I'll probably send this over to you tonight or tomorrow. I'm gonna take another go at the whole chapter, because there's a LOT of places where Cottle is talking too much. Normally, I like Cottle talking, but when he's doing the medical jargon... that's not overly interesting.

I bet the actual problem is somewhere else. If the exposition is broken, the climax can't work. :)

I'm thinking so, but I think it's within the scene. I'm starting to wonder if I can make the two things happen together.

I think the problem I'm having is where they both are emotionally right now. The whole scene before this is Hoshi having the biopsy done and telling Dee the Sagittaron backstory. He's been dreading the procedure through the whole chapter, so he's sort of on the other side right now, and it's over and he should be headed for an upswing. And that's when Dee's breaking down. And while it's a good thing, it's painful for her.

I think my problem with this is through the whole chapter, Dee and Hoshi are starting to get to know each other and understand each other, and there's a point (it's actually right there in that snippet- where Dee calls Hoshi "Louis" for the first time without any sort of prompting) where Dee realizes that Hoshi actually means something to her and maybe she likes him. This is where their friendship is beginning. And what essentially happens in this scene is a one-upping: "I just had a pencil-sized needle stuck through my hip!" "Oh yeah? I just lost my baby!"

I might need to rethink the location of Dee's breakdown... ooooooh. There's a point right before this when Hoshi was listening to a religious service on the wireless. I might switch the order, give him a little breathing time, and then have that scene and Dee listening and... yeah. THAT might work.

::goes off to write:: Actually, goes off to get the kids up and take Toby to OT, but yeah. THAT might work...

Thanks!