Timestamp Meme

[lls_mutant]

From the timestamp meme:

You are all sick. Well, at least ignipes, lazy_neutrino, and snorkackcatcher. But notice I wrote it anyway :)

For snorkackcatcher, who asked for the half hour preceding Accio Bananas!



"I can't believe it," Hermione said, sitting down slowly.

Ginny regarded her earnestly. "Do you need a cup of tea or something?" she asked.

Hermione ignored her. "Gay! They're gay!"

"Yes."

"How could I possibly have missed that?"

Ginny shrugged. "It's not like either of them are flaming. Really, it would be quite offensive if you had just cottoned on."

Hermione waved her hand dismissively. "It was right there though. Just the way they treat each other. But…."

Ginny raised her eyebrows. "But what?" Hermione flushed, and Ginny became far more interested in the conversation. "Hermione, but what?"

"Remember what we were talking about last night?"

Ginny grinned as she thought of the giggle-filled conversation that she, Hermione, and the portrait of a young Druella Black had had. "Of course."

"We could get answers! Real answers!"

Ginny's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. "You know, we could always ask Tonks."

"Tonks!" Hermione said with a snort. "The problem with Tonks is she never includes real details!"

"Sure she does. Remember when she told us about chasing down that Dark Wizard in Bulgaria?"

"Remember when you asked her about the Holywood Harpies game?" Hermione shot back. "Tonks includes details when it suits her."

"Hermione, I suspect blow jobs might interest her more than Quidditch."

"Maybe," Hermione said doubtfully. "But we know they interest Sirius and Professor Lupin."

"I can't believe you're serious about this," Ginny said.

Hermione swallowed hard. "I can't, either."

Ginny grinned. "Well then. Let's do it. Before you lose your nerve. Come on."



For ignipes, who seconded the motion for the half-hour immediately following Accio Bananas!



"Are you all right?" Sirius asked as he guided Remus up the stairs.
"I still feel like I can't breathe," Remus admitted. They made their way into their room, and Remus flopped across the bed dramatically. "Damn Arthur. And damn Molly. And damn you."

"Why me?" Sirius asked settling beside him.

Remus turned his head. "A banana eating contest? That was the best you could do? A bloody banana eating contest?"

"What would you have said?" Sirius challenged.

"Nothing, as I was the one with my mouth full of banana. I'm going to get you for this, Sirius Black."

"I'd like to see you try. I'm very dangerous, you know."

"Right."

"Armed, too."

"Uh-huh."

"And you're still recovering from choking on a banana. Lily would have laughed herself sick at you."

"It's not as bad as the time when she demonstrated on a pickle."

The image of Lily Potter's unlipsticked mouth around a giant dill pickle in the middle of the Dragon Rider Pub flooded Sirius's mind, and he dissolved into laughter. "I haven't thought about that in years," he said. "Do you remember what James said?"

"I believe it was something like 'that's my wife!' He was so proud."

"You nearly died of embarrassment."

"Well, yes! It's not every day your best friend's wife shows you up in fellatio in a pub, for crying out loud!"

Sirius thought about that. "She didn't show you up. You're much better than she was. Well, as far as I could tell from a pickle."

Remus smiled. "Sirius, just who do you think taught me how to deep throat?"

"Lily taught you?"

"On that very same pickle."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"I wish I could thank her."

Remus thought about the encounter with the Weasleys. "Well, maybe we can't thank her. But I could spread the joy."

***



For lazy_neutrino, who offered the out of a week after Accio Bananas!



"More whiskey, Molly?" Remus offered.

"Thank you," Molly said, extending her glass. "I know I shouldn't say it, but it's so nice that the children are back at school."

Remus chuckled. "I can see where Fred and George would make one feel that way."

Molly waved her hand. "Ha! I'm used to Fred and George. It's Ginny that's the trial these days. All hormones and mood swings and at the same time, into everything. It's Fred and George combined, complete with PMS. It's enough to drive a mother mad."

"I know," Remus said sympathetically, even though he didn't have the first clue. "But I must apologize for my part in it."

"Your part?"

"Oh, come on, Molly. You know what we were all doing. Did you really believe Sirius's line about a banana eating contest?"

"Yes…" Molly said, with a suspicious look. "But… oh, Remus! You weren't!"

"We were."

"Oh, for Heaven's sake! Does Arthur know?"

"Molly, do you think there's a man alive that doesn't recognize a blow job? Even if it's being given to a banana?"

Molly had to chuckle at that. "No, I suppose not." She took a ladylike sip of her fourth glass of whiskey. "So. You and Sirius. I had no idea that you were gay."

"Bisexual, as it happens."

"I see. And what, may I ask, prompted you to give my daughter lessons about oral sex?"

"She asked."

Molly studied him with sharp eyes. "I do hope, Remus, that you included some more practical advice in your tutorial. Like protecting yourself from disease or how so many boys only want one thing."

"You're taking this much better than I anticipated."

Molly shrugged. "I've raised seven children, Remus, and not one of them has wanted to ask me questions about sex. It's good to know she has someone I trust that she can talk to."

"I see."

Molly gazed out the window, swirling her whiskey. "I'm not sure I would have demonstrated on a banana, however."

"Sirius did offer."

Molly raised her eyebrows. "I wouldn't have minded seeing that."

"God, don't repeat that in front of Sirius!" Remus said, panic-stricken.

"I won't. Bananas, though. You couldn't have Transfigured one into something a little more realistic?"

"The thought never crossed my mind." He pondered this. "Is that how you learned?"

Molly grinned evilly. "Oh yes. My older sister Transfigured a candle and taught me. I have to admit, though, she wasn't quite as… how shall I put this?"

"Talented?" Remus offered.

"Open-mouthed, I would say, as you are. Now that I think of it, you did have that banana awfully far down your throat."

"Want to know how I did it?" Remus offered, as casually as he could.

Molly considered. "Yes. Yes, I do."

***

Two days later, Arthur let Remus have the last sausage, and poured his coffee for him. He left for work, singing under his breath. And when Remus ventured outside into the rain, he found that his old umbrella had been replaced with a shiny new one, and a simple note-

Thanks. I owe you! –A.W.



snow_blossoms, want to try again? The Prank in the AIL universe is actually handled in Chapter 6 of Deny Thy Father.

And, to totally change pace, for aome, Caradoc's death.



It was ironic, really. Caradoc had no idea of where Aberforth Dumbledore was these days. He didn't know what Albus had planned for Tuesday, much less for August twenty fourth. And he certainly had no idea of any plans that the Ministry might have.

Really made the way the Death Eater twisted his insides unnecessary, although Caradoc had to admit some pleasure in vomiting blood on the floor. Let them get that out.

The masks added to a sense of unreality, as did the sight of his hands, flayed of skin and covered in pus. Caradoc closed his eyes, although it did nothing to shut out the horrors.

He wouldn't be sad to leave this world. He'd expected it for a long time. There were few he'd miss. His mind flashed to those faces, lingering on them for a moment as he said his good-byes. He didn't expect he'd be coherent much longer.

The end, when it came, was a blessed release.

Comments

[rynne.livejournal.com]

Two days later, Arthur let Remus have the last sausage, and poured his coffee for him. He left for work, singing under his breath. And when Remus ventured outside into the rain, he found that his old umbrella had been replaced with a shiny new one, and a simple note-

Thanks. I owe you! –A.W.

*DEAD* Just... *DEAD*

All of those were great, but that Arthur bit made me laugh so hard I'm surprised my family didn't come check on me. :p

[magnetic-pole.livejournal.com]

Brilliant, sweetie. Thanks for an end-of-the-day laugh. Maggie

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

*claps in delight at first three* Loved loved *loved* these! Perfect bookends to one of the bona fide R/S classics! Lily teaching Remus, Remus teaching Molly, and then Arthur at the end-- much love.

And the last one--Caradoc shows such resolve, and grace in his final moments. You breathed life into this character in AIL, and this is a sad, but rather triumphant, death in that he's not broken.

[lucymay-lj.livejournal.com]

These were great! The Accio Bananas bits had me laughing myself silly.

[sambethe.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

Oh what fun!

And your Caradoc, he always made me smile. That was a hard (but well done) read.

[aome.livejournal.com]

Your Molly is a LOT more open-minded than OotP Molly. :D The "Banana" ones were all loads of fun to read, though. And thank you for the Caradoc one. At least he was peaceful.

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

"Want to know how I did it?" Remus offered, as casually as he could.

Molly considered. "Yes. Yes, I do."

That's awesome! Enjoyed these. :-D

[snow-blossoms.livejournal.com]

Ahhh, I've never read "Deny Thy Father," but now I think I'd better! Thanks :)

[ignipes.livejournal.com]

Eeeee, perfect! And so much love for whiskey-drinking Molly and pickle-demonstrating Lily. Wonderful!

[snorkackcatcher]

*snicker* Us sick? You were the one who came up with the original concept. And additions. :D

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :) It was definitely fun to write :)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! And glad you enjoyed it! :)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks- it was fun to write.

Well, not the Caradoc one. aome is mean :) But yeah, while I think that many people would have broken, I just couldn't do that to Caradoc. ::sigh::

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I was chuckling writing them, myself :)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

And yeah, that one was hard to write. ::hugs Caradoc::

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Molly's more openminded in this, but then, Accio Bananas! was never meant to be canon :) Glad you enjoyed them!

And you're welcome. It was a tough one to write!

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I enjoyed writng them :)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

You're welcome :) If you want to pick another spot, go for it!

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it- it was way too much fun :)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Very true :) I never said I wasn't sick. You've all just joined me!

[lazy-neutrino.livejournal.com]

That was the bit I was going to pull out and praise to the skies. (And also the 'open-mouthed' comment!) I have been looking forwward to reading this for days. Thank you! :)