Commentary

[lls_mutant]

such_heights asked for commentary on Though I Speak With The Tongues of Men and Angels (longest title EVER for me), and since it's one of my favorites, I was more than delighted to comply!



Without a doubt, this is my favorite story that I've written (excluding Accidentally In Love, which is it's own category). It's even surpassed Mentors, which is saying something. It's also the most personal story, and this commentary is likely to be rather personal. Just warning ya 

So, this started as a joke- at least the premise did. I made some smart-alec comment about Sirius as an altar boy, and shaggydogstail said I would own her soul if I wrote it. It sounded like such a crack premise, but when I got thinking about it… it wasn't. Especially since Sirius must have been christened to be a godfather to Harry. (Well, it's a reasonable assumption, anyway. There might be religions where it's not so mandatory.) I would also like to take this moment to point out just how valuable a beta can be. I did some cursory research on The Church of England, but the goddess minnow_53 had her work cut out for her! Thanks again, Minnow! And thanks again, too, to Maggie, who offered commentary. Some of her points I didn't address in the story, and maybe I can in the commentary.

One of the very first things I decided- and really, how the story took shape- was to use the Bible books as section headings. It worked out perfectly, and it really shaped the story as I was leafing through the Bible. Most of them are pretty self-explanatory, even if the section has nothing to do with the Bible book. (Good example: Revelation) But I was really proud of that little touch, and I find it interesting how such a detail can really shape the structure of the story.

Now. Onward!

Genesis

When Sirius Black was fourteen, he told James Potter that it seemed ironic for his parents to go to church, because anyone who approved the mass genocide of Muggle-borns didn't exactly have a Christian attitude. When he was twenty, he'd learnt something about the history of the world and the nature of the righteous, and bitterly thought that his parents were perhaps not so different from those who used the name of God to justify their crimes. When he was thirty-four he finally understood that faith is truly a personal decision, and no one person can be categorized solely by what he chooses to call himself. But when Sirius Black was eight, church on Sundays was a given.

I really liked that beginning, and I think it was one of the strongest opening sentences I've ever written. It sums up the story- and canon Sirius- so well, I think. (In case you've never read one, I'm not always that modest in my commentaries.)

The Blacks did not attend All Hallows by the Tower, although Sirius would very much have liked to. They didn't attend Victoria Docks, either. Both were populated by Muggles, who were surely lesser in the eyes of God, as they had not been gifted with magic. Instead, the Blacks went to St. Cedric's across town. It was a small church between a launderette and a pizza place, and only appeared if you were with someone who could pull out his wand and trace a cross in the air. It was a shabby church, Sirius thought, nothing like the beautiful old building that All Hallows was housed in. There was no stained glass and the pews were old and scratched, and the altar was extremely simple. But it was a Wizarding, Church of England establishment and therefore the Blacks attended it.

For the record, I grew up Methodist, spent some time as an agnostic, did the Lutheran thing during grad school, and am now Baptist. I firmly believe in a God, but I also believe that God is smart enough to realize He must approach different people in different ways, and some people He doesn't approach at all. Translation: religion is a very personal business, and the only people I can't agree with are Satanists and those who force their religious beliefs on others.

Sirius had never actually volunteered to be an altar boy. His mother simply took him to the vicar one day and told him that Sirius was now eight years old, and that he was ready. The vicar cheerfully agreed, and Sirius resigned himself to having to sit still, not fidget, and no longer doodle on his hymnbook during the sermon. He expected that being an altar boy would be boring and hard work. But he didn't expect the Reverend Matthew Saul.

Mr. Saul was the curate, and far younger than the vicar. He was still old, naturally: thirty-six. He had graying hair and a receding hairline and a beard, and a smile that could put anyone at ease. Sirius liked him because there were always jokes in his sermons, and he talked about his own life. He had almost tangible confidence in his faith and in God, which was something Sirius admired greatly.

Mr. Saul was very much based on a pastor I had in grad school. He was very young and totally awesome- he used to play D&D with us. (He had a character named Quatch, who was part tree.)

But no matter how easy Mr. Saul made faith look, it was anything but simple for a young wizard studying the Bible. While the vicar normally veered away from passages on the occult, Sirius had stumbled across one of them by chance, while he was trying to find a chapter Mr. Saul had mentioned. What he read disturbed him, but when he asked his father, his father just scowled that a Muggle must have written it, and not everything in the Bible was to be taken literally. After all, what fool truly believed that five thousand species of animals would fit into Noah's ark? Sirius was to shut his mouth and learn his lessons, and that was that.

Can we spot the Firefly reference?

It was an answer, but it wasn't a satisfactory one. Mr. Saul found Sirius sitting on the steps after church, the Bible open across his knees and his head buried in his hands as he tried to twist his mind around the words on the page.

"What's wrong, Sirius?"

"This. It doesn't make sense."

"What doesn't make sense?" Mr. Saul sat down and looked at the top of the page. "Ah. Leviticus. The law about magic."

"Are we evil?"

Mr. Saul rubbed his beard. "Because we're wizards?"

"Yes. It says that we should be put to death. Is that true?"

"Well, that's a good question Sirius. What do you think?"

Sirius scrunched his nose as he thought. "The Bible sounds pretty definite here," he said tentatively.

Mr. Saul laughed. "It does, doesn't it? But Sirius, the Bible sounds pretty definite about a lot of things."

"What do you mean?"

Mr. Saul took the Bible from him. "Let's look, shall we?" He flipped the pages. "Here we go. Leviticus, chapter twenty-five, verse forty-four -- Read it to me."

"'Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the heathen that are round about you; of them you shall buy bondmen and bondmaids.' What's a bondman?"

"Think about it, and read the last part of the sentence again."

Sirius's lips moved silently as he tried to digest the meaning. Then… "Slaves?"

"Yes. According to the Bible, God was sanctioning slavery."

"But that's wrong!" Sirius protested.

"By today's standards, with what we know now, yes, it is. Sirius, the Bible is a living document. If you look at it carefully enough, so much of the Old Testament was overturned by what Jesus said. And we've learned so much since that time that many of the picky details aren't relevant to us today. But the message… that's what endures."

Yes, I am totally aware of the inconsistency here with House Elves. I debated changing it, especially since I want to show religion in a good light in this section. But I figured a.) Mr. Saul probably doesn't have a house-elf, so it's not on his mind at all, and b.) Sirius isn't at a point in his life where he'd even think about it. And I liked the inconsistency, because that's how our world often is. So I left it.

"Death to wizards doesn't sound like a picky detail to me."

"It does if you consider that Moses- who wrote the book of Leviticus- was most likely a Muggle, who knew nothing of magic. Magic, in this context, is trafficking with Satan, getting power from the devil."

"Oh."

"We don't do that," Mr. Saul clarified.

"Oh. All right."

Mr. Saul laughed and ruffled Sirius's hair. "It's not that easy, but you don't have to understand it all now, Sirius. Faith isn't something you accomplish- it's a journey. Your faith will change all through your life, and you'll always have questions."

"Do you have questions?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"Millions of them."

"Like what?"

Mr. Saul rubbed his chin again. "Like how God can let people like Grindelwald gain so much power. How people can be so blind. Why Jesus only appeared so many years ago and hasn't appeared since. What if He has appeared again and we simply didn't recognize it? Why is the sky blue? What is the purpose of life? What is Heaven like? I have more questions than there are stars in the sky, Sirius, and most of them will never be answered."

This is the section that was most inspired by that pastor. I remember bringing him a question- I don't even remember on what, I think about tithing- and the very liberating feeling I got when he assured me questions are normal, and that he had them too. It made God so much more accessible, in a way.

He also said something to me during that same conversation that formed the fundamental basis for this story. He explained how there were phases of faith. First you believed in something because it was what you were taught. You sort of just accepted it was true. Then he said most people go through a phase of deconstruction, where they actively destroy their faith- often out of rebellion (many go through it in their teenage years). Then there's reconstruction, where you start to put your own faith together, based on your experiences and observations. I think there was a fourth phase too, but I really don't remember it. But he also explained that it wasn't a process you went through once, but that you would go through many, many times in your life. It was the first time I'd really heard faith described as fluid, which given how recently I'd come back to the church, was what I needed to hear. It made me feel like an absence from the church could be a reasonable thing, and that it wasn't something that needed forgiveness so much as comprehension.

"Oh." For some reason, Sirius found that exciting. The challenge of mysteries that people couldn't solve and the certainty that he could was irresistible. And at the same time, there was a comfort he couldn't define in the fact that someone so confident didn't know everything. He looked back down at the open Bible in his lap. "Can I ask you more?"

Mr. Saul smiled. "That's what I'm here for, Sirius. I can't promise you answers, but we can worry about them together."

Love that aspect of Mr. Saul. Oh- I picked the name Saul based on a Bible story, where Saul deals with a witch.

Revelation

Sirius had never intended to stay an altar boy. His parents expected him to serve until he went to Hogwarts, where he would only attend church during the holidays. But Sirius liked the task: it was peaceful and rather interesting, and far better than having to sit still during the service. And best of all, being an altar-boy sometimes got him out of lessons.

Every now and then wizards died and were laid to rest at St. Cedric's. Sometimes they were members of the congregation, sometimes they weren't, and sometimes they were what Mr. Saul called "holiday specials." "They only come to church at Christmas and Easter," he told Sirius. "When they feel they really have to." But they were still buried in the churchyard, each and every one of them, with prayers for their soul. The ministers preferred older boys to serve at such times, because funerals generally took place at short notice and there was no time for preparation. They'd pay five Sickles and write a note for Dumbledore, and the chosen boy would take the Knight Bus at ten and be back in time for supper. Sirius loved funerals.

Heh. Minnow and I went in a few circles about this, because I am VERY attached to the phrase "flower children". In the Methodist church, there are generally a lot of lilies on the altar at Easter, and poinsettias at Christmas. One of the pastors I had referred to people as "flower children- they come to church when there are flowers on the altar." It was cute. It was also not very British.

Well, usually.

Professor Binns died on a Tuesday. The pupils weren't quite sure how to react to this; Binns hadn't exactly been winning Teacher of the Year awards. Plus, they first realized he was dead when his ghost began instructing his Fifth Year History of Magic students on goblin revolutions as if nothing was amiss. It was disconcerting, to say the least.

Mr. Saul Flooed Sirius and asked him to help at the service for Professor Binns. Sirius, his mind only on the afternoon off and the five Sickles, agreed. It didn't occur to him that most of the Hogwarts staff and many of the students would be present until he was carrying the cross in the procession, and saw Professor McGonagall staring at him in open-mouthed shock. And when he glanced at the students, he saw James and Peter pulling faces at him, and Remus with his head down on the pew in front of him, laughing so hard that his shoulders were shaking.

Oh, shit.

Sirius tried to focus on his duties during the service, but his ears were burning and he honestly thought he might die from the shame of it all. When the benediction was finished, he nearly ran back down the aisle.

This is one of those sections that could have gone a few different ways. Sirius in canon is a very strong, very determined person. He defied his entire family based on what he felt was right. Would his faith have been shaken this easily because his friends laughed at him?

This is one of those areas where Sirius and I blur into each other. I chose to let him have some shaking because that's what I experienced. As you might guess, I once considered being a pastor. My mom never really took that ambition seriously, which I can understand. This was an ambition that lasted all of six months of junior high. And if it had been a serious ambition, it would have withstood a little disapproval. (My mom is not at all religious.) But a few choice comments at the right time really made me shy about displaying my faith. In fact, it still does. And part of the "right time" was age.

When Sirius makes his decision to defy his family, he's 16. Here, he's 12. Four years might not seem like much, but it is, and I think at 12, Sirius might have still been more desperate for approval, especially as he felt his family slipping away. The lack of approval didn't destroy his faith, but it stunted the expression of it.

***

"The altar boy answered, 'Oh, about a Galleon,'" James said, and then cracked up, clutching his pillow. Remus and Peter were laughing, too. Sirius just scowled.

"Shut up."

"But," James said, "an altar boy!" For some reason this sent the three of them into howls- flat-out howls- of laughter.

Can you blame them? I mean, it's Sirius.

"Bugger off," Sirius snapped, and threw down his book. He stomped out of the room. "Stupid wankers," he said, although without quite the heat that he'd shown them. He slipped out of the portrait-hole and stomped down the corridors, not caring in the slightest that it was well after bedtime.

"Wankers," he muttered. "Wankers, all of them."

"Mr. Black."

Oh, great. The night just got better and better, didn't it? "Hello, Professor McGonagall."

"I assume you're quite aware that you should be in your tower right now."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Then I also assume that you are prepared with an explanation as to why you are not?"

The words came out of his mouth before he could even think. "My roommates are wankers."

McGonagall's mouth twitched a little at the side. "Your language leaves something to be desired." She studied him. "Are they giving you a hard time about Professor Binns' funeral?" she asked.

"No," Sirius lied unconvincingly.

"Oh. Well, if they were, I can certainly understand their surprise," Professor McGonagall continued. "You are the last person I'd have expected to see handling the Holy Sacraments, Mr. Black. But that shouldn't really be a deterrent."

Sirius eyed her suspiciously.

"People have always been persecuted for their beliefs," McGonagall said. "Sometimes tortured to death. It makes a little schoolboy teasing seem insignificant, doesn't it?"

Sirius nodded, but the truth was that it didn't seem insignificant at all. Not to him.

McG is actually summing up another point I wanted to make here. Sirius's departure from religion here is a choice for him. McG is right- a little schoolboy teasing is no big deal. Sirius is framing the conflict as friends vs. religion, scared that if he chooses the latter, the former will reject him. He's wrong, but he doesn't see it that way at this age.

***

"Have you given any more thought about joining our advanced Bible-study group, Sirius?" Mr. Saul asked him the summer after his first year at Hogwarts.

"Yeah," Sirius said, putting his vestments on the hanger and pulling his own robe back on. "I don't think I'm going to."

Mr. Saul looked at him in surprise. "I thought you wanted to."

"Well, sort of," Sirius admitted. "But it takes up a lot of time, doesn't it? And it's mainly useful if you want to join the priesthood or something.

"Yes, but I'm sure you can fit it into your other studies. I think you'll enjoy it."

Something in Sirius wavered. "I know that," he said, trying to sound casual. "But I don't think I'm going to."

"Forgive me for asking, but why not?" Mr. Saul sat down in a chair, but Sirius remained standing.

"I don't know," he said with a shrug.

"Yes, you do. Did your friends find out?"

Sirius didn't answer, but the truth must have shown on his face, because Mr. Saul sighed. "You shouldn't let that bother you, you know. Faith is something between you and God, not between you and your friends."

"I don't let it bother me," Sirius lied. "I just don't want to study theology in a lot of depth, or get too involved in church things."

"Well, if you ever change your mind, let me know," Mr. Saul said.

Sirius nodded, but he knew he wouldn't.

Funny, how that hurt, almost like having to let go of a dream.

It would be fun to write a canon-faithful version of Sirius deciding to become a priest, but then having to leave that dream behind because of the war (or Azkaban). Seriously. I'll bet I could make it work. And it would be different.

***

By the time Sirius was sixteen, he attended church because he was told to. To be honest, he didn't give it much thought. Religion wasn't exactly a high priority at Hogwarts, and when he was home, he told himself it was easier not to argue with his parents, although it had been years since his parents had managed to make Sirius do anything he didn't want to do. So he sat at the end of the unofficial family pew, surly and grumpy, reciting the responses by rote. He often reflected that Voldemort didn't think very highly of the church, but he knew by now to keep that opinion to himself.


Exodus

Sirius left home forever on a Friday. Mr. Saul arrived at the Potters' the following Tuesday.

Sirius was glad to see him. He was an anchor, a touchstone - even if Sirius wouldn't admit it. They sat in the parlor with the Potters, who stayed until the cake and tea was gone and then graciously (or, in James's case, not-so-graciously but good-naturedly) excused themselves.

"Well," Mr. Saul began.

He looked older than Sirius remembered. He'd lost more hair and shaved off the beard, and he looked tired and serious. But still, Sirius felt the words welling inside him. The Potters were wonderful, but he couldn't confide in them the way he could in Mr. Saul.

"Your parents talked to me on Sunday."

Time seemed to stop, and Sirius stared at him blankly.

"Sirius, I'm very disappointed in you."

This section hurt to write, because I like Mr. Saul. I also wanted to be very, very careful that it wasn't "religion is automatically evil." What happened here was that Mr. Saul got very focused on the side of the argument he heard first, because he is human.

"In me?" Sirius asked, his voice cracking.

"Sirius, this is your family that you've walked out on. Your father, your mother, your brother. There must be some way for you to mend the rifts."

"There isn't," Sirius said, sitting back and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Sirius-"

"Do you even know why I left?"

"Your mother said that you don't hold the same values."

"They support Voldemort!"

Mr. Saul cringed. "Perhaps it's best if you don't say that name."

"Why not? It's just a name if you say it. Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort!"

"Sirius!" Mr. Saul snapped, and then he took a deep breath. Sirius sensed he had pushed the man too far, and was glad. "I know you don't agree with your parents. I understand that. Really, I do. I don't agree with them either."

"I know."

"But to cut them out of your life forever, to walk out…. There has to be a middle ground."

I don't think Mr. Saul really believes the Blacks fully support Voldemort. My thought was Mr. Saul fully understood the lengths Voldie was willing to go to for power, and couldn't quite comprehend that his own parishioners would accept that.

"There's never a middle ground with murderers," Sirius insisted.

"They're your parents," Mr. Saul said. Sirius made a face. "Sirius, the Bible says to honor thy father and thy mother."

"It also says that thou shalt not suffer a witch to live," Sirius reminded him. "Are we picking and choosing which parts of Scripture are valid now?"

"It's one of the Ten Commandments!"

"The witch one is a commandment, too. It just didn't rate capitalization."

Heee. One of my favorite lines in the fic.

Mr. Saul closed his eyes. "Sirius," he finally said with heavy patience, "what worries me is that this… this may be something you regret one day. God does not make rules to make us miserable. He makes them because He truly knows what's best for us. Cutting your parents out of your life will come back to haunt you."

"Did she tell you she scorched my name off the family tapestry?" Sirius demanded angrily. "Did she tell you she was glad to see the back of me? Did she tell you that she called me an abomination, her shame, and no son of hers? I'll honor her when she damn well honors me!"

He could see from the look on Mr. Saul's face that this was all new to him. But when he said, "It must be a misunderstanding," Sirius knew he wasn't going to listen.

And if Mr. Saul wasn't going to listen, Sirius wasn't, either.

***

If James had ever asked him (although he didn't), Sirius would have said that he'd given the whole visit no more thought. It would have been a lie, obviously, but not enough to fool James.

But when St. Cedric's was burned down and Mr. Saul was killed, Sirius holed himself up in his room and cried.

Death Eaters burn churches in my world.

Does the name Death Eaters seriously bother anyone else? I've used the quip about "Hi, we're evil! Have a pamphlet on our program!" twice (once in AIL and once in Let the Water Hold You Down), but I stand by it.


James


"Godfather?" Sirius asked, unbelieving and ready to bounce off the couch. Only the fact that Harry was nestled in his arms kept him from doing so. "You really want me to be godfather to Harry?"

"Oh, don't act so surprised, Padfoot!" James laughed. "Who did you think I was going to ask?"

"Okay, let me rephrase that." He looked at Lily. "You really want me to be godfather?"

"Sirius, it took me how many years to go out with James? Would I give in easily on something this important?"

"No," Sirius admitted, and then looked down at the sleeping black-haired bundle. "But me. Godfather." He thought about it a little more, but the concept still overwhelmed him with happiness. "Me."

"You," James laughed. "Absolutely."

Could he be any cuter? I think not.

***

James and Lily were disappointed that they couldn't celebrate Harry's christening properly, but Sirius was perversely pleased that it was only the three of them at the ceremony. This was such an intimate time. As he stood with the Muggle minister, James, and Lily, he felt a great peace flood through him- great peace, great hope, and great determination. When the minister handed him Harry and asked if he vowed to pray for this child, draw him by example into the community of faith, and walk with him in the way of Christ, Sirius said "I do" with all his heart. When the holy water was poured on Harry's head, it was as if Sirius himself was being baptized again.

This is something that's going to come up in AIL 13 or 14. I believe that the reason Remus and Peter weren't at the christening was that they chose not to be there. They decided that it would make the gathering bigger than it needed to be and would be too obvious, so for the safety of Lily and James and Harry, the offered not to go. As much as James and Lily hated not having them there, they saw the wisdom of it. (That's also why Dumbledore was not there.) It was very obviously not a rift between Remus and the Potters, because Peter wasn't there either.

I included this moment as Sirius's reintroduction to God. Sirius left God when he was in his teens- a very normal time. I think then he saw such horrible things in the war he didn't want to go back. But Harry was a miracle to him- a wonderful little miracle that made him not only believe in God again, but want to care. Harry was Sirius's guardian angel in so many ways :)

He hadn't felt this peace since his teens. It spread through his soul like a hot cup of coffee spreads through the body, warming him from the inside out. Sirius closed his eyes, the scents of hot wax and that slightly musty church smell taking him back to a time when life seemed so much easier.

He hadn't consciously prayed for years, but now he closed his eyes and bowed his head and did so. He prayed for Harry, that he would grow up happy and strong, in a world that was better than the one they knew now. He prayed for James and Lily, for God to give them strength for what they all knew lay ahead. He prayed for Peter and Remus, that they would stay safe and that when this was all over, they would be able to go on with their lives. And he prayed for himself, and asked God to help him keep his promises.


***

After Harry's christening, Sirius began attending church again. He didn't actually tell anyone- he just tagged along with Lily one day. It would have been pointless to mention it- Peter wouldn't have cared, and Remus would have scoffed at him. James, despite a profession of faith, maintained that it wasn't safe for Harry to be out, which was probably true. So Sirius sat beside Lily in a Muggle church, and somehow that seemed right.

Corinthians

Corinthians is the first heading name that isn't obvious as to why I chose it. The book is actually Paul's letter(s) to the Corinthians from jail, and as Sirius is heading into hiding here, I feel that's appropriate. But I also chose Corinthians because of the verse people associate the most with it- the "Love is patient, love is kind" and aside from weddings, that's something I associate with Lily. This is the Sirius-Lily section, so it seemed appropriate.

"All right then," Sirius said awkwardly.

"All right," James echoed.

"We'll do it tonight."

This is a little awkward as to what he's talking about. Meh.

James nodded, standing in the tiny kitchen. Sirius couldn't take his eyes off him. Every detail of his best friend stood out in sharp relief, every color intensified. "It will just be for a little while," Sirius heard himself saying.

"Right. Just a little while." James nodded sharply.

Lily walked into the kitchen. Sirius thought she looked beautiful, her red hair soft in the morning sunlight. She looked serene. Untouchable.

If only.

"Is everything ready?" James asked her.

"I think so," Lily answered, her voice shaking. "Would you mind watching Harry for a while?"

James didn't blink. "Not at all." He looked once more at Sirius. "I'll see you tonight, Padfoot."

"Right." Sirius watched him go.

"Come on, Sirius. I want to take a walk," Lily said.

They walked out into the autumn sunshine, dried leaves dancing at their feet and scuffling on the wind. Sirius buried his hands deep in his pockets. It occurred to him that Lily and James weren't the only ones who wouldn't be able to go for walks like this any time soon.

They didn't speak as they walked, but the silence was companionable. Sirius chuckled to himself, remembering a time when friendship between them would have seemed impossible. He hadn't wanted Lily in his life; and now, he couldn't imagine life without her.

I love writing Sirius and Lily at each other's throats at the beginning, because they're both jealous of the time James spends with them. But I also love them really coming around to each other, even if they still harass each other mercilessly. To me, Sirius-Lily is a brother/sister relationship, and Sirius/Lily is just one of those ships I can't ever do at all.

They passed Muggles going about their daily business. The crowds flowed around them like a river. For a moment Sirius wished he could just give up his magic and join that world, where lies and betrayal and death weren't looming so imminently.

Lily saw him watching them. "Funny, isn't it? How they don't know that we could be on the brink of destruction?"

"Would you go back?" Sirius asked. "If you could give it all up, would you?"

Lily shook her head. "Not for anything, Sirius. Come on." She took his hand, and when Sirius looked up, he realized that he'd known their destination all along.

"This is right, isn't it?" he said softly, staring at the stained glass.

"Yes."

"James?"

"I didn't tell him where we were headed, but he knows. I think he's more with Remus on the whole God issue these days."

Sirius closed his eyes against the pain, and then opened them to see Lily watching him. He squeezed her hand and they stood there without saying anything for a while.

I wasn't 100% happy with the prose of this section, but I really liked the feeling.

Lamentations

I really hate rereading this section. I was pleased with how raw sections were, but it makes me uncomfortable.

When the cell door slammed behind him, Sirius vowed he would never trust God again.

***

What the fuck? How could You fucking do this? What did they do to deserve this? Do You have any idea what good people they were? He took me in when I had no place else to go. He was my brother. She tried to protect people- even people who didn't deserve it. And You took them. You left Harry- a baby- on his own, without his parents. I hate You.

***

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did to James and Lily. How could I have been so blind? How could I not have seen what was happening? How can I ever forgive myself?

***

He found he could still remember Bible verses he'd learned as a child. He recited them to himself when the featureless days grew too long, to keep his mind sharp.

He was dimly aware that this was a form of prayer.

***

Harry. I've betrayed Harry. I promised that I would… I would be an example. Guide him. And instead, I'm here. He bowed his head, the long, matted strands falling forward against his cheeks. I'm sorry.

He tried to imagine himself teaching Harry to pray, but the image was sucked away before it could fully form.

***

He never believed that prayer kept him strong and his mind intact. His own innocence and his own powers did that. After all, God wouldn't bother to watch what was going on in a little cell in a dank prison- surely He had better things to do. If the entire Wizarding world could forget Sirius's existence, why should one mere deity remember him?

Then again, when he asked for the Daily Prophet and saw Peter inside, he realized that perhaps God hadn't forgotten him after all.

Peter

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth…. The words ran through his head as he swam to shore, as he found shelter, as he started the long journey down to St. Ottery Catchpole. He could see Peter so clearly, frozen in time as he blew up the street behind him and condemned Sirius to twelve years of hell.

He prowled the roads and fields, growling at rats wherever he met them. Naturally, none of them were Peter. Peter was snuggled up in a shoebox somewhere, a cherished family pet that had been taken to Egypt, for Merlin's sake. With a deep bitterness, Sirius thought that he had never been to Egypt.

I've had an idea for a long time for a fic of the Lost Years with Peter and Percy, and Peter's perception. I wanted to call it Cast Away, and deal with when Percy gave Scabbers to Ron, after Peter developed an affection for Percy. It would be cool. I also think an awesome title for such a fic would be Little Drop of Poison. There's lyrics in the song that go 'Well a rat always knows when it's in with weasels/Hair, you'll lose a little every day.' Is that PoA or what?

Yes, Peter was safe and snug, with heat and water and crumbs from the table. Blankets at night and a mattress or fresh straw to sleep on. Loving hands and laughter and music around him (how Sirius had missed music!) and-

Speaking of music, the sound floated to him now. An organ, muted against the more mundane sounds of Muggle traffic and footsteps and Sunday morning conversation. Drawn, Sirius slunk up the steps to the church.

He got a few odd looks and one old lady tried to shoo him out, even waving her handbag, but Sirius evaded her and faded away from Muggle sight. He managed to wedge himself under a pew before anyone else could spot him. He closed his eyes and let the sound of the music wash over him.

He was asleep even before the sermon began.

***

He woke up long after the congregation had tramped out, woke to the sound of broom bristles on the floor and cheerful, off-key humming. He slunk out from his hiding place and saw the vicar. He meant to leave quietly- after all, he'd paused here far longer than he'd planned- but the vicar caught sight of him first.

"Well. Hello there, lad. When did you come in?"

As he was a dog, Sirius didn't have to answer. He didn't mean to respond at all, but his tail started wagging regardless. The doggy part of his heart liked this man instantly. He was short and rather pudgy, with blond hair that was slipping away and robes fraying at the seams. The vicar patted him on the head and scratched behind his ears, which Sirius was always a sucker for.

I never decided if the man was related to Peter. There was a slight resemblance that Sirius responded positively to on a gut level, but blond, pudgy men aren't exactly rare, y'know? And Pettigrew isn't a very uncommon last name.

"You're a mite thin, aren't you?" he asked rhetorically. "Why don’t you come back to the rectory and I'll see what I can find for you, aye?"

For a moment, all thoughts of Peter were forgotten in the face of food and Sirius followed the man, tail still wagging eagerly.

At one time, he might have laughed at the food set before him: a plate of bread with a small slice of ham, and a bowl of water. But right now it tasted like ambrosia, and only after he wolfed it down did Sirius notice that the man was eating the same thing.

"I'm afraid I don't have much to give you, lad," the vicar said, and Sirius yelped and wagged his tail. There was no way this kind man could know how much of a feast bread and ham was to him.

He reached down and scratched Sirius's ears again. "I'd like you to stay here," he sighed. "It would be a comfort and a kindness to me, to have the company. But I'm afraid it wouldn't be a comfort or a kindness to you."

Sirius nuzzled under his arm. That was all right- he had no intention of staying. The vicar chuckled though. "Well, we can find you a home, I'm sure, if you'd like."

Well, no. Sirius wouldn't like.

He sighed, flopping down on the floor at the vicar's feet. What if he had actually studied theology more deeply, perhaps even followed that long-forgotten, never-admitted desire to become a minister? The implications were far too complex for his mind in this form, and he suspected that if he dwelled on them, he'd go mad, because it was so easy to see how James and Lily might still be alive if he'd followed God instead of following his friends.

He growled, deep in his throat. The vicar patted him soothingly.

"Well, why don't you stay tonight and we'll find you a home tomorrow, aye?"

Sirius wagged his tail. A comfortable night indoors with food and clean water was appealing. He padded alongside the vicar as he went about the rest of his duties. The quiet of the little church and the musty smell were a comfort to him.

An old lady walked in, her shrill "Hello!" intruding on the peace of the room. The vicar sighed and struggled to his feet, dredging up a smile.

"Hell, Mrs. Kelly," he said. Had he been human, Sirius would have smirked. "How are you today?"

"Oh, terrible," the woman began. "I've been having trouble with my neck again, and the headaches! God has cursed me, Mr. Pettigrew."

The name hit Sirius with the force of a sucker punch, and he was out into the streets before the vicar could say a word. Amazing, how Peter could not even be here and still steal the only peace he'd found since that horrible November day.

***

Judges

I really liked the title here for the Remus section. It's exactly what Sirius is terrified of.

Seeing Harry was not a shock, not really. He'd expected him to look like James (although maybe not quite that much). He'd also been the one to seek Harry out. So no, Harry was not a shock.

Remus was.

He'd deliberately not thought much of Remus since his escape. Oddly enough, thinking of James and Lily was easier. He knew what James and Lily would say- or rather, wouldn't say. They were dead, after all, and there was no changing that. On the rare occasions he'd imagined Remus, he'd thought of him in some research lab doing intricate work, or traveling the world. He rarely imagined any sort of companion- he knew Remus's old insecurities far too well for that- but he imagined a life of friends and adventure. At least, he hoped it was a life of friends and adventures.

He didn't expect the shabby, skinny, ragged man who was walking on the Hogwarts grounds talking amiably with Hagrid, wistfulness and struggle etched clearly on his face.

Sirius darted back into the Forbidden Forest and transformed back into a human, his hands clammy and shaking. When he closed his eyes, he saw the shadow of Remus's form, the skinny shoulders hunched against the wind and the world. Sirius was sure he recognized Remus's robes and that first patch Remus had put in the elbow, although the multitude that had joined it were new to him.

He watched Remus carefully during the year. He wasn't able to see much of him- Remus was the one person in the castle who would recognize him instantly. But what he saw told him enough about the life Remus had been leading over the past twenty years, and Sirius knew it wasn't supposed to be like this.

***

It was a miracle he neither expected nor deserved, when Remus hugged him in the Shrieking Shack. And when Remus came and found him and Buckbeak two days later, Sirius thought maybe God had forgiven him at last.

***

"Do you believe in God?" Sirius asked as they walked down the center of a bazaar in Morocco.

"Of course," Remus said, studying a stall of dates and figs. "My mother was Catholic. I never really had a choice."

"I didn't know that."

Remus made a face. "God and I aren't exactly on speaking terms. He made it clear He was out to get me a long time ago."

"In 1981?" Sirius asked bitterly.

"In 1964."

"Oh."

"It's all right," Remus said, although Sirius hadn't apologized. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," Sirius lied.

"Do you still believe in God?" Remus asked when the silence had stretched so long that Sirius thought Remus had forgotten about the conversation.

Sirius pressed his lips together. "Don't really want to."

Remus arched an eyebrow. "But you do. Fearing hellfire and damnation?"

"Something like that."

Remus stopped, and because he did, Sirius stopped too. The Muggles surged around them, full of color and life. Vendors were shouting in a tongue Sirius didn't understand, the swish of cloth met his ears and the smell of fruits and spices assaulted his nose. And in an environment as different from the Shrieking Shack as a place could be, Remus Lupin hugged him again.

It wasn't an answer or a miracle, but it was the right thing to do.

snorkackcatcher pointed out that I had left the relationship between Sirius and Remus entirely up to the reader. There's absolutely no indication if they are more than friends, and really the only reason you might think they were is if you know I usually write them as more than friends. He asked if it was deliberate, and oh boy, yes, it was.

First of all, because of the nature of the fic and it's focus on religion, and the Bible's take on homosexuality, I just didn't want to go there. It's too complicated of an issue, and although I can sum my feelings up with a West Wing platitude (the Bible represents the best of the knowledge known at the time, but we've learned a lot in 2000+ years), it also wasn't relevant to the story. In fact, it was detrimental because going into it elevated Remus to a higher prominence in the story, and I didn't want him there.

But there was more than that. I firmly believe that every good romantic relationship has a base of friendship, and sometimes you need that friendship more than you need your lover. Here, in this moment of serious doubt, Sirius didn't need a lover. He desperately needed a friend. And another canon thing I am totally inflexible on is that Sirius and Remus were good friends. They might have been more, but they were certainly not less.

Proverbs

Sirius had no choice but to go to Hogsmeade when Harry was entered in the Triwizard Tournament, and both he and Remus knew it. There was never any question about Remus's inability to go, either. They both just accepted it as another separation, but this one in good faith and on good terms, and for a good reason.

It was like that year after his escape again, but different. He might still be subsisting on rats and living in the wild, but Sirius didn't mind. Now Remus knew the truth, and so did Harry. And oh, Harry….

Sirius reveled in every note he received from the boy. They were more than he ever could have asked for, meant more than Harry would ever know. To Harry, they probably seemed like dull accounts of his summer, but to Sirius, they were expressions of a trust that he'd never expected to encounter. Sirius treasured those letters, and only refrained from sleeping with them because he thought Remus would fall about laughing if he ever found out.

I really, really, really like that image.

The letters had been wonderful, but to be here, so close to Harry, and able to be a part of his life… Sirius would have eaten an entire cave full of rats just for one visit.

***

The day Harry, Hermione, and Ron were to visit (honestly, Sirius didn't expect Harry to come without those two) he woke up surprisingly nervous. His stomach was jumping all over the place and his palms were clammy, and he realized he hadn't felt quite like this since he was a teenager falling in love, or what he considered love, for the first time.

It bothered him. In fact, it kept him on edge the entire day, until he saw the three young people walking towards the fence where he was waiting. And then all of a sudden the reason he was nervous hit him like a rampaging Hippogriff.

Harry was looking to Sirius for advice, for guidance… and Sirius didn't want to fuck this up, too.

His stomach went from quivering to frozen over, and for a moment he wanted to turn and run away. This was too important, too big, too… James would never forgive him if he messed this up.

Naturally, he didn't run away, because Sirius Black was anything but a coward. But in his thirty-four years, he'd learned that bravery was not the lack of fear, but the ability to fear something and go forward anyway. And somehow, he felt a hand on his shoulder, real in spirit even if not in physical form. As the kids approached, he wagged his tail.


Song of Songs

Song of Songs was the closest I could get to an ascent type title. But it's also a book about love, and that's the summation here. That Sirius does love God, even if their relationship has been strained.

When Sirius Black was eight, he thought he'd have his life sorted out and know everything by his thirties. When he was fourteen, he was convinced he did know everything already. When he was twenty, he still maintained that belief, although he had a sneaking, unacknowledged suspicion that he was wrong. Now he was in his thirties, he bloody well wished he could remember what he thought he knew, because he certainly didn't know everything and he hated knowing that. Especially when Bellatrix Lestrange hit him square in the chest and he toppled back through the Veil.

***

He opened his eyes to see a shadowy figure before him.

"Do you believe in God?"

Moments flashed before his eyes:

-Death Eaters, willing to kill children-

Remus, cold and too thin and dressed in ragged clothing while Peter was warm and fat and snug

The walls of Azkaban

James on the floor, dead and cold, Lily in front of the crib, the same way

Harry crying then, Harry trying not to cry after the Triwizard Tournament

Voldemort resurrected and Cedric's murder

Harry witnessing both those things

Harry being strong enough to stand it

James and Lily, whispering to Harry, helping him in his hour of need

Harry staring at him incredulously, asking when he could move in

The warmth of Remus's embrace

Laughter and pranks and friendship and warmth, the Potters' fireplace and Mrs. Potter's warmth and James's smile and Remus's laugh and Peter's younger affection and Harry's hug and Molly's Boggart and Arthur's devotion and Ginny's red hair and Fred and George's inventiveness and Ron's loyalty and Hermione's intelligence and Harry's trust and Harry's faith and Harry's life….

"Yes," he whispered. "I don't understand, but I believe."

The shadowy figure materialized, and he could see James's face just before he was enfolded in a warm embrace. "Welcome home, Padfoot," James whispered. "Welcome home."

I fully admit that that last sentence is inspired by the "Mr. Prongs would like to welcome Mr. Padfoot home" icon, which made me cry the first time I saw it.

Not much commentary on the writing in this one, but a lot on the faith. Like I said, it's one of my favorite stories. Thanks for reading!

Comments

[such_heights]

Yay, thanks for doing this! Interesting to read the personal place this has come from - that's why I and I'm sure lots of other people enjoyed it, because it seemed personal and real and expresses something a lot of people go through. I especially liked what you had to say about Mr. Saul, who was a delightfully human OC.

I fully admit that that last sentence is inspired by the "Mr. Prongs would like to welcome Mr. Padfoot home" icon, which made me cry the first time I saw it.

Oh good, I'm glad that's not just me!

Hurrah for an excuse to re-read this, too. =D

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

Oh cool, I'm glad someone requested this. This is one of my favorites of yours, and I enjoyed learning more about what inspired it.

First you believed in something because it was what you were taught. You sort of just accepted it was true. Then he said most people go through a phase of deconstruction, where they actively destroy their faith- often out of rebellion (many go through it in their teenage years). Then there's reconstruction, where you start to put your own faith together, based on your experiences and observations.

Hmm, this rings true for me as well. I'm still deconstructing a bit, I think. :-)

[snorkackcatcher]

It wasn't just you -- that one even gave me a bit of a lump in the throat, and I did wonder if there was a connection. :)

Thanks for this LLS -- fascinating an open meta on a terrific story.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

You're welcome, and thanks for requesting it, because this is one of my favorites :) I'm glad you enjoyed the commentary!

And yeah- that icon is just a punch to the gut, isn't it?

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was kind of embarrassed to admit there was, but there was. :) I can't imagine that that sentiment wouldn't be true, though.

I'm glad you enjoyed it- thanks for reading! :)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much- I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Hmm, this rings true for me as well. I'm still deconstructing a bit, I think. :-)

I know I am. I don't think I ever totally stop! :)

[mitzy7.livejournal.com]

I've said it before and I'll say it again- your writing never fails to make me cry in one of the best ways possible. There's so much I love about this fic, and reading it with a commentary is as good as reading a completely new one.

I fully admit that that last sentence is inspired by the "Mr. Prongs would like to welcome Mr. Padfoot home" icon, which made me cry the first time I saw it.
Heh, yes, me too.

It was very interesting to read how personal a place this piece of writing came from, and to learn about your own faith too.
I just noticed that when Sirius is asked about his belief and he focuses on the bad things, it is the memories of Harry that make him gradually realise the good. Which carries through on the comment you made about Harry being Sirius' guardian angel. I like =)

[aome.livejournal.com]

Finally getting around to reading the commentary. I love seeing the kinds of thought that went into a story, and this story seems to particularly lend itself to some really deep and careful considerations. I especially was touched by the comment about religion's ongoing fluidity - blind faith, deconstruction, reconstruction - over and over. I'm in the 'deconstruction' phase right now, feeling completely adrift, and it's good to know there might, eventually, be a reconstruction again.

Hope you and Toby survived dinner. :P

[msmoocow.livejournal.com]

Before I start, I should probably mention that I jumped to your journal from snorkackcatcher's out of mild curiosity and a bit of a surfing binge, which led me to this post. Now, "...Men and Angels" has long been one of my favorite genfics. I first came across it in omniocular and I fell in love. The tone, the imagery, the characterization...it left me stunned. I'd been reading fic on and off for a couple of years, but that was around the time I actually started becoming active in fandom. Until then, most of my fic diet was composed of fluffy little romance stories in which characters got together and lived happliy evar aftur, LOLZ! But this was one of my first forays into gen, and I'm so glad I found it.

This commentary is fascinating. As I read it, everything seemed to click into place, kind of like an "oh yeah, I completely get what she's trying to achieve" sort of way. Thank you for doing it. Would you mind terribly if I memmed this post?

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed both the fic and the commentary.

It's interesting that you noticed that it's Harry that makes Sirius remember the good things. I didn't do that consciously- it was just a good place for Sirius to see a two things in the same event- how horrible Cedric's murder was, but how amazing it was that Harry survived and was able to do what he did- but I like your interperation much better and wouldn't argue with it at all! :)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks :) I'm really glad the story touched you- it meant a lot to me and I'm glad it's one people can relate to!

We did survive dinner. I cheated and gave him Spaghetti-O's. :)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Welcome! :) I'm really glad that you like the fic- it's one of my all-time favorites that I've written. I'm also very glad you like the commentary. :)

Don't mind at all if you mem the post- in fact, I'm quite flattered!

Thanks, and I'm glad you stopped by :)