Fic: 35 Years of Virginity and Counting!
Jun. 10th, 2005 05:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lls_mutantTitle: 35 Years of Virginity and Counting!
Pairing: The usual (R/S, for those new to the f-list
Rating: PG to PG-13
Disclaimer: If they were mine, I'd be lazing at an exotic summer resort drinking virgin strawberry daquiris right now. Instead, I'm here at work. Guess.
The Point: It's a Friday afternoon in summer, and my distillations finished up earlier than I expected. I was bored and reading through, and I came across a fic where Remus was a virgin post-PoA. I don't really think he was (or that Sirius was), but I don't think it's beyond the realm of possibilities, either. And I was feeling silly. This probably won't be cross-posted anywhere; it was just for some fun and a way to blow off the last hour of work without washing my stinky dishes that make me throw up.
35 Years of Virginity and Counting!
First kisses were always messy and awkward, but drenched in the sense of anticipation and excitement. That was true of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin as much as any other couple, despite the fact that their first kiss happened when they were thirty five years old.
“Wow,” Sirius whispered as he pulled back enough to breathe.
“Yes,” Remus agreed.
They blinked at each other, and then leaned in for another kiss.
Naturally, it was clumsy. It always was, until you learned a partner’s rhythms. And Sirius hadn’t been kissing too many inmates in Azkaban, what with the effect of the Dementors tending more towards impotency and less towards the subjects of bad Muggle porno movies. But Remus… wait a minute.
“So what’s your excuse?” he asked as he pulled away again.
“Huh?” Remus’s hair was mussed and his eyes were dazed and he looked very much like he would like to be back to doing exactly what they’d been doing.
“We’re being awfully clumsy,” Sirius explained. “I’ve been out of practice for the past thirteen years. But what’s your excuse?”
Remus blinked. “Sirius, you do realize you’re saying I’m a bad kisser, right?”
Sirius shrugged. “Yeah. So? I’m saying I am, too.”
“And that makes it so much better,” Remus drawled. “I thought we were doing pretty well.”
“If you compare us to kissing a slobbering dog… wait. Don’t.”
Remus snorted. “Well, it’s not like I’ve had a lot to compare to.”
Sirius’s eyes glinted as he leaned back against the battered arm of the sofa. “Oh? And just how much have you had to compare to, Mr. Moony?”
“Kissing, you mean?” Remus asked, a faint blush staining his cheeks.
“Yeah. Kissing.”
Remus muttered under his breath, tallying on his hands. “Six people.”
“Six. In all the years you’ve been alive- the thirty-five years- you’ve kissed six people.”
“It’s not that unbelievable!”
“Yes it is.”
“Oh yes? How many people have you kissed, Mr. Padfoot?”
“Seven,” Sirius said with a highly superior sort of air. “But you have to remember I was out of commission for twelve years in the dankest pits of Azkaban prison. So I ask again, what’s your excuse?”
“Well, I didn’t kiss anyone until I was sixteen,” Remus said, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.
“Fair enough,” Sirius agreed. He himself had always felt that teenaged romance was overrated.
“Then my first kiss was Brooke Peterson. But she broke up with me three days later to date the Hufflepuff Quidditch captain.”
“Okay. That’s one.”
“Who was your first?” Remus asked.
“Anna Vogt. When I was seventeen. She slapped me though.”
Remus snickered. “Who else?”
“Abigail whatsername- but I got caught by her boyfriend.”
“I remember that. It took Madame Pomfrey days to get the tentacles off your face.”
“And Jennifer Timlin.” Sirius sobered. “She died when she was home at Christmas. Voldemort killed her whole family.” They both stared at the fireplace for a long minute. “Anyway, that put me off for a long while. I liked her, even if we’d only been dating for two weeks before she was killed.”
“Yeah.”
Sirius shook himself. “And you? At Hogwarts?”
Remus shook his head. “I didn’t kiss anyone else at Hogwarts, because when I was sixteen and a half I started realizing I was gay, and that threw me for a loop for a few years.”
“Yeah. That happened to me when I was nineteen. But it only threw me for a few months. Then I met up with Drew Heffeneffer.”
“And?”
“Well, I kind of panicked and I wasn’t really ready to have any sort of… thing… so that didn’t exactly last long. That’s four for me. We’re still on one for you.”
“I also met up with Drew Heffeneffer, not long after you. But he had some nasty names for you and I didn’t want to stick around. So that’s two.”
“James was five.”
“James doesn’t count!”
“I kissed him- with tongue- on his stag night.”
“Because you were both drunk and Peter dared you to.”
“Still counts.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “Six?”
“Well at that point it was getting really dangerous to go out, you know?”
“Very well, Padfoot. My next one was at twenty-three, just so you know. But yes, it was not the time to be picking up random people in bars.”
“It wasn’t the time to be going to bars,” Sirius said. “Six was an accident. Polly Fenwick, after Benjy died. I kissed her for comfort, and it got just a little out of hand.”
“Ouch.” Remus cringed. “And seven?”
“You. Just now.”
“Prat,” Remus said, swatting his arm affectionately. “That doesn’t count.”
“You’re still on three,” Sirius reminded him.
“Okay. Three was when I was twenty-three. Tim Langdon. But it was when I was in Egypt, and we met the last night he was there. Four, five and six are all the same story. I don’t even know first names. Three times I went to this club- this place I never go- because I decided I was sick of it and wanted to get laid finally. I could find a partner no problem, but every time I chickened out. Those three happened in 1983 and 1984. Then in 1985 the news of the Plague- it’s actually called AIDS- hit the media, and I got scared. So I stayed away from it for a long time. And by that time…” Remus shrugged.
“Wait a minute. Are you telling me you’re a virgin?” Sirius demanded.
“Well, yes. After a certain age it just… well, I’ve lived without it this long and… heck, aren’t you?” Remus demanded.
Sirius felt that at least he had the grace to be embarrassed. “Yes. But like I said, a few years of Voldemort’s reign and years of prison doesn’t really allow for sex.”
Remus burst out laughing. “I can’t believe it,” he choked.
“What! It’s no funnier than you! In fact, at least I have a better explanation!” Sirius insisted, squirming uncomfortably.
Remus laid his hand on Sirius’s arm. “Pads, it’s just funny, that’s all. I never thought… if you’d asked me back at Hogwarts, I never said the two of us would have made it this long without having sex.”
Sirius chuckled, a dry, reluctant sound. “I guess. Let me ask you something, Remus. If I’d asked you before Voldemort’s fall-“
“Neither of us would be virgins today,” Remus sighed. “I would have done you.”
Sirius laughed again. “Yeah. Same here.” A silence drifted over them. “And now?”
“If you recall, you’re the one who stopped us kissing and decided to take a trip down memory lane,” Remus pointed out. “I was perfectly happy to keep going, and maybe go into the bedroom because let’s face it, thirty five is just a bit too old to be a virgin.”
“You’re right,” Sirius agreed, leaning in. “Let’s take care of that, shall we?”
Remus ducked away and got to his feet, offering his hand. Sirius accepted eagerly. As they headed towards the bedroom, Sirius asked, “Remus? You do know what’s involved in this, right?”
“Padfoot, I’m a virgin, not an idiot,” Remus reminded him patiently. “Get in here.”
Pairing: The usual (R/S, for those new to the f-list
Rating: PG to PG-13
Disclaimer: If they were mine, I'd be lazing at an exotic summer resort drinking virgin strawberry daquiris right now. Instead, I'm here at work. Guess.
The Point: It's a Friday afternoon in summer, and my distillations finished up earlier than I expected. I was bored and reading through, and I came across a fic where Remus was a virgin post-PoA. I don't really think he was (or that Sirius was), but I don't think it's beyond the realm of possibilities, either. And I was feeling silly. This probably won't be cross-posted anywhere; it was just for some fun and a way to blow off the last hour of work without washing my stinky dishes that make me throw up.
35 Years of Virginity and Counting!
First kisses were always messy and awkward, but drenched in the sense of anticipation and excitement. That was true of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin as much as any other couple, despite the fact that their first kiss happened when they were thirty five years old.
“Wow,” Sirius whispered as he pulled back enough to breathe.
“Yes,” Remus agreed.
They blinked at each other, and then leaned in for another kiss.
Naturally, it was clumsy. It always was, until you learned a partner’s rhythms. And Sirius hadn’t been kissing too many inmates in Azkaban, what with the effect of the Dementors tending more towards impotency and less towards the subjects of bad Muggle porno movies. But Remus… wait a minute.
“So what’s your excuse?” he asked as he pulled away again.
“Huh?” Remus’s hair was mussed and his eyes were dazed and he looked very much like he would like to be back to doing exactly what they’d been doing.
“We’re being awfully clumsy,” Sirius explained. “I’ve been out of practice for the past thirteen years. But what’s your excuse?”
Remus blinked. “Sirius, you do realize you’re saying I’m a bad kisser, right?”
Sirius shrugged. “Yeah. So? I’m saying I am, too.”
“And that makes it so much better,” Remus drawled. “I thought we were doing pretty well.”
“If you compare us to kissing a slobbering dog… wait. Don’t.”
Remus snorted. “Well, it’s not like I’ve had a lot to compare to.”
Sirius’s eyes glinted as he leaned back against the battered arm of the sofa. “Oh? And just how much have you had to compare to, Mr. Moony?”
“Kissing, you mean?” Remus asked, a faint blush staining his cheeks.
“Yeah. Kissing.”
Remus muttered under his breath, tallying on his hands. “Six people.”
“Six. In all the years you’ve been alive- the thirty-five years- you’ve kissed six people.”
“It’s not that unbelievable!”
“Yes it is.”
“Oh yes? How many people have you kissed, Mr. Padfoot?”
“Seven,” Sirius said with a highly superior sort of air. “But you have to remember I was out of commission for twelve years in the dankest pits of Azkaban prison. So I ask again, what’s your excuse?”
“Well, I didn’t kiss anyone until I was sixteen,” Remus said, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.
“Fair enough,” Sirius agreed. He himself had always felt that teenaged romance was overrated.
“Then my first kiss was Brooke Peterson. But she broke up with me three days later to date the Hufflepuff Quidditch captain.”
“Okay. That’s one.”
“Who was your first?” Remus asked.
“Anna Vogt. When I was seventeen. She slapped me though.”
Remus snickered. “Who else?”
“Abigail whatsername- but I got caught by her boyfriend.”
“I remember that. It took Madame Pomfrey days to get the tentacles off your face.”
“And Jennifer Timlin.” Sirius sobered. “She died when she was home at Christmas. Voldemort killed her whole family.” They both stared at the fireplace for a long minute. “Anyway, that put me off for a long while. I liked her, even if we’d only been dating for two weeks before she was killed.”
“Yeah.”
Sirius shook himself. “And you? At Hogwarts?”
Remus shook his head. “I didn’t kiss anyone else at Hogwarts, because when I was sixteen and a half I started realizing I was gay, and that threw me for a loop for a few years.”
“Yeah. That happened to me when I was nineteen. But it only threw me for a few months. Then I met up with Drew Heffeneffer.”
“And?”
“Well, I kind of panicked and I wasn’t really ready to have any sort of… thing… so that didn’t exactly last long. That’s four for me. We’re still on one for you.”
“I also met up with Drew Heffeneffer, not long after you. But he had some nasty names for you and I didn’t want to stick around. So that’s two.”
“James was five.”
“James doesn’t count!”
“I kissed him- with tongue- on his stag night.”
“Because you were both drunk and Peter dared you to.”
“Still counts.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “Six?”
“Well at that point it was getting really dangerous to go out, you know?”
“Very well, Padfoot. My next one was at twenty-three, just so you know. But yes, it was not the time to be picking up random people in bars.”
“It wasn’t the time to be going to bars,” Sirius said. “Six was an accident. Polly Fenwick, after Benjy died. I kissed her for comfort, and it got just a little out of hand.”
“Ouch.” Remus cringed. “And seven?”
“You. Just now.”
“Prat,” Remus said, swatting his arm affectionately. “That doesn’t count.”
“You’re still on three,” Sirius reminded him.
“Okay. Three was when I was twenty-three. Tim Langdon. But it was when I was in Egypt, and we met the last night he was there. Four, five and six are all the same story. I don’t even know first names. Three times I went to this club- this place I never go- because I decided I was sick of it and wanted to get laid finally. I could find a partner no problem, but every time I chickened out. Those three happened in 1983 and 1984. Then in 1985 the news of the Plague- it’s actually called AIDS- hit the media, and I got scared. So I stayed away from it for a long time. And by that time…” Remus shrugged.
“Wait a minute. Are you telling me you’re a virgin?” Sirius demanded.
“Well, yes. After a certain age it just… well, I’ve lived without it this long and… heck, aren’t you?” Remus demanded.
Sirius felt that at least he had the grace to be embarrassed. “Yes. But like I said, a few years of Voldemort’s reign and years of prison doesn’t really allow for sex.”
Remus burst out laughing. “I can’t believe it,” he choked.
“What! It’s no funnier than you! In fact, at least I have a better explanation!” Sirius insisted, squirming uncomfortably.
Remus laid his hand on Sirius’s arm. “Pads, it’s just funny, that’s all. I never thought… if you’d asked me back at Hogwarts, I never said the two of us would have made it this long without having sex.”
Sirius chuckled, a dry, reluctant sound. “I guess. Let me ask you something, Remus. If I’d asked you before Voldemort’s fall-“
“Neither of us would be virgins today,” Remus sighed. “I would have done you.”
Sirius laughed again. “Yeah. Same here.” A silence drifted over them. “And now?”
“If you recall, you’re the one who stopped us kissing and decided to take a trip down memory lane,” Remus pointed out. “I was perfectly happy to keep going, and maybe go into the bedroom because let’s face it, thirty five is just a bit too old to be a virgin.”
“You’re right,” Sirius agreed, leaning in. “Let’s take care of that, shall we?”
Remus ducked away and got to his feet, offering his hand. Sirius accepted eagerly. As they headed towards the bedroom, Sirius asked, “Remus? You do know what’s involved in this, right?”
“Padfoot, I’m a virgin, not an idiot,” Remus reminded him patiently. “Get in here.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 09:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 10:51 pm (UTC)“Padfoot, I’m a virgin, not an idiot,” Remus reminded him patiently. “Get in here.”
I'm literally chortling with glee! I loved the "James doesn't count!" bit, too!! And you know, you even made it sound not only plausible, but totally believable. Really!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:02 pm (UTC)But not as much as I simply love that icon. ::sighs happily::
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:03 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:04 pm (UTC)“If you compare us to kissing a slobbering dog… wait. Don’t.” - LOL!
One beta-y nitpick:
But what’s you’re excuse?” - should be "your"
I should really get on reading AIL...
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:07 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed it! :)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:20 pm (UTC)Ha, this made me giggle. Silly, yet cutely believable througout really.
(And it's got to be harder to have sex at Hogwarts than most fic writers assume. Especially when the paintings watch you and report back to the faculty!!!!)
Not so much assume, as like to imagine...*winks*
And Sirius hadn’t been kissing too many inmates in Azkaban, what with the effect of the Dementors tending more towards impotency and less towards the subjects of bad Muggle porno movies
Hooray, Dementor induced impotency, my official weirdest ever kink! Thank you for stoking my pet perversion (although it wasn't, strictly speaking, necessary...)
OK, my own weirdness aside, I thought this was a lot of fun, and a great twist on the old 'but surely you're not a virgin!' theme. Nice one.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:21 pm (UTC)Sorry, the surname just killed me laughing. And
“I would have done you.”
was just perfect. Oh, this is so sweet in a mad sort of way, I love it.
kxx
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:31 pm (UTC)(psst...I didn't get a chance to reply when you commented about friending you - you mentioned hoping I don't mind a lot of R/S? Hee, they're my OTP, d00d.) :))
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:38 pm (UTC)I don't totally believe it either, but I also don't think either of them were really sleeping around a lot, either. (We'll never know, of that I'm pretty sure, unless Remus says he or Sirius "had a lot of girlfriends", but even that leaves room for interpretation.) So being silly worked for me today :)
Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:40 pm (UTC)Not so much assume, as like to imagine...*winks*
True. :) But it's one of those cliches that gets me. Some sex, okay. I'll fall for it. But Hogwarts the brothel???? :)
Hooray, Dementor induced impotency, my official weirdest ever kink!
Heh. Actually, I read Dead from the Waist Down the other day ;) I've always figured Sirius wasn't exactly indulging in prison orgies just given the effect of the Dementors, but it did cross my mind as I was writing the line!
Glad you enjoyed it!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 11:41 pm (UTC)And LOL- they're mine, too. So that definitely works! :) But given that you found me in a gen essay.... Heh. I figure it's best to warn people, because except the occaisional odd gen essay, they're pretty much the only pair I write!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 12:21 am (UTC)Y'know, someone, somewhere has probably written the Azkaban orgy. Not sure I want to read it though *eyebrows*
But it's one of those cliches that gets me. Some sex, okay. I'll fall for it. But Hogwarts the brothel???? :)
Yup, it's a den of inquity, all right. Especially that Astronomy Tower (because high exposed places IN SCOTLAND, which is bloody cold, are so romantical. *rolls eyes*) And will people ever realise that Silencing Charms are not employed on inanimate objects (i.e. bed hangings)? Don't get me started on fan-fic cliches though, I could be here for several hours, nay, weeks. *grumble*
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 01:01 am (UTC)Hee! This would make a great LJ sub-title, wouldn't it? :D
Very cute. Loved the 'slobbering dog' comparison, too.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 01:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 02:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 04:07 am (UTC)Ok enough procrastinating for me off to finally read the AIL update!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 04:20 am (UTC)I kinda see this as reasonably plausable (as much as anything that happens in fanfic:). Stuff happens, ykno? As much as the assumption is that *everyone* is getting laid *all* the time, the reality? Not everyone, not all the time.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 04:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 10:32 am (UTC)^_^xx
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 12:01 pm (UTC)