Parent frustrations.

[lls_mutant]

I swear to God, all I've done today is feed kids. If one's not eating, the other's... well, not eating, given that it's Toby and I spend more time trying to get him to eat than anything. But seriously. My day has gone: get up, nurse, get shower, nurse, give Toby breakfast (and eat something myself), nurse, quick go up and brush my teeth and then play with Toby for ten minutes, nurse during Sesame Street, watch the rest of Sesame Street, nurse, give Toby lunch, nurse, hold Trevor, nurse... Getting the idea?

Oh, I think there was a breakdown in there, too. Just exhausted and tired and lonely, and feeling even worse because after my parents visited when Trevor was born, I felt like I lost a major support. When they visited, my stepfather went on and on and on about everything we were doing "wrong." I'm nursing Trevor. (Both of them are opposed to this idea.) Howard needs to be firmer with Toby. Toby was throwing too many tantrums. (Never mind that he was up late constantly, had a new baby brother, his grandparents and dad constantly around, and was just generally grumpy.) Toby's eating is terrible. (Duh. If everyone thinks I'm so smart, why do they insist on informing me of the obvious?) Toby should be potty-trained right now, because it's SO much harder to have two in diapers. (Incidentally, it's not. It's more expensive, yes. But if Toby was as potty-trained as a two-year old boy could be, he'd be needing help wiping, either needing a potty seat cleaned out constantly or missing and spraying the bathroom, and probably telling me he had to go potty every time I picked up Trevor once he realized that that phrase is a guarantee of attention. How in the hell would that be easier than changing his diaper six times a day? And that's IF he potty trained.) We don't have his bed on the frame yet. He doesn't use a pillow. (Who fucking cares?) We use a family doctor as opposed to a pediatrician. And oh yes, Toby's a terrible eater.

ARGH.

It was more Bill than my mom, but when Bill made some comment (yet again) about Howard being upstairs trying to get Toby to settle down before bed for ten minutes, I snapped and said "He has to do what's comfortable for him" and then left the room to call my doctor. Perfectly polite answer, I think, but Bill was apparently all offended and didn't speak to me the rest of that day or the next one. My mom wanted me to apologize before they left, even though she knew I WAS being polite and reasonable and DAMN IT! I was tired of our parenting ability (and especially my husband) being criticized in our house for a solid week. I never did manage to apologize- I just couldn't do it. I DID sincerely thank him for all the help he gave us, because I truly agreed with that statement. But why should I apologize for politely defending a parenting choice? If I took ALL of Bill's advice, I'd be changing doctors, changing how I feed my child, starving out a two year old in the throes of his biggest life change EVER, and trying to potty train a child that, frankly, isn't quite ready for it.

Anyway, during my discussion with my mom she did manage to sneak in the comment that Bill had some valid points. That hit harder than anything. I mean, some of the things he was saying I don't agree with at all. (As I said, who cares if Toby uses a pillow? EVER?) Some of the things I CAN see his point, but it's not black and white. Excellent example: pediatrician vs. family practitioner. We've actually been quite happy with our doctor, and I picked a single-doctor family practice for a reason. I go to a multi-doctor practice for OB/GYN, and I'm not crazy about being seen by a different doctor every time. I'd much rather the same doctor sees the whole family, and always sees the kids. But that doesn't mean that seeing a pediatrician is wrong, either. There are advantages and disadvantages to both approaches, and you really have to pick what's right for you. And some of Bill's points I did agree with. Believe me, I feed Toby 2-3 meals a day, every day. I KNOW he's a crappy eater. Some of it is Toby, and some of it is our fault, but it's going to be a long hard road to get him to eat better and it's not something I want to discuss every day for the next six months. And I REALLY didn't appreciate him saying that Toby was "messed up" or that if he invited a kid to his house and he acted like Toby does at meals, he wouldn't invite him back. (Yeah, and that might be WHY we haven't taken Toby out to dinner since he got off baby food and why we don't go visiting socially unless the people are prepared for Toby, and bring his food with us. He's TWO, for crying out loud. His social calender isn't exactly swinging.) But yeah, Mom pointed out that Bill had some valid points, which instead of making me feel like everything was okay, made me feel like she thought he had the right to sit there and criticize our parenting in our own home.

And worse, it made me feel like I can no longer blow off steam by talking to her about any frustrations I have.

The worst is I can't talk to her about the two biggest things. One is the nursing. It's getting easier, but it's still more exhausting than I ever would have believed, and can be very lonely at 3:00 in the morning. We supplement with two bottles right now, so Howard can feed Trevor and can give me some night relief. And Howard's always told me that whatever I decide is what's right for us, and although he really thinks we should do this 2-6 months, it's not worth my sanity if it comes to that. And just him saying that means a lot, really. But it still is such a burden in that I MUST feed Trevor. A lot of times, hey- it wouldn't matter if I was nursing or bottlefeeding. Howard's at work (or traveling), or it's after 3:00 in the morning, which is my shift. There often isn't a choice in the matter regardless. But I can't talk to her about that, or any pain, or just anything about it because all she'll do is tell me to give up the nursing and bottlefeed. Not that there's anything wrong with bottlefeeding- hell, I'm a huge supporter of it. But I've made this decision and she should respect it, rather than judging me on it. And if I DO decide to give up before 6 months (I will ride it out another month for sure), I don't want to be hearing "I told you so." Or if Trevor has ear infections, I don't want to be hearing, "see? You should have just bottlefed anyway. All that breastfeeding propaganda is hooey." Sure, I think some of it IS. But some of it (especially the antibodies and the calories things) is not.

The other thing I just can't talk about anymore is Toby and food. She thinks I should starve him out. That's what the doctor says, too. We tried a couple of times. Toby went over 36 hours without eating a thing, and Howard couldn't handle it. Truthfully, I couldn't really, either. And I REALLY couldn't handle Howard feeling guilty about it- he shouldn't have to go through that. There has to be another way, even if it takes longer. Plus, if you talk to experts, there's no one agreed upon strategy. For example, a lot of experts will agree that crying it out will work for a child to learn to go to sleep. They may not agree with it, but they'll often agree it works. Or at least a lot of them will. However, no one seems to agree about eating, and in fact, many experts argue AGAINST any variation of starving a kid out. Howard and I want to eventually talk to a professional- either a pediatrician or a nutritionist or some sort of therapist, but there are a couple of behaviors we want to correct first that we do have more control over and should be pushing, like Toby feeding himself.

And, of course, my parents are coming on Monday to help while Howard's away on his first trip. This could be really good or really bad.

I don't know. I'm not going to resolve anything here, and it's time to nurse again anyway (big shock), but I just needed to vent. Like I said, it's just been one of those days emotionally and I am going bonkers.

But in the end, we shall survive and everything will be fine. We're hardly unique in our situation, and billions of other families have survived the transition just fine. We will, too.

But I can't wait to get there.