Once a Day
Feb. 21st, 2005 04:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lls_mutantSilly little ficlet today, although I think Remus's parents should be along soon.
I was floating around on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
remusxsirius and saw ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
midnitemaraud_r's brilliantly funny piece Dr. Strangelust (or How Remus Learned to Stop Worrying and Love to Wank. Absolutely brilliant, and I must say I loved the socks. (It goes so well with JKR's sock fetish that runs through the novels!)
I also commented that I loved that Sirius was so clueless about the habits of girls, on whichmidnitemaraud_r wisely (for the most part) commented that Sirius would never have the chance to learn. Well, I agree he's not getting anywhere with any girls, but I couldn't QUITE agree. I mean, bananas, anyone? You always have someone willing to explain.
Title: Once a Day
Rating: soft R
Pairing: none, really
Disclaimer: not mine
“Wanking,” Sirius declared grandly, “has to be the best thing on earth.”
“Oh, come on now,” James argued, settling down on the common room couch next to Sirius. “There’s Quidditch.”
“And steak,” Peter pointed out. “I’m not sure which I’d rather have, a good wank or a good steak.”
“The wank,” Remus decided, flopping in front of the fire and flipping a gobstone back and forth between his hands. “Definitely the wank.”
“But steak!” Peter protested. “A good, juicy filet mignon, maybe with a nice red wine sauce and some mushrooms… and a loaded baked potato…. I mean, wanking is great and all, but how often do you get a steak like that?”
Remus considered. “Toss is a good dessert, maybe something chocolate… but… nah. Sirius is right.”
“Sirius is right about what?” Lily Evans asked from the table she was working at.
Remus clamped his mouth shut and focused his eyes on the gobstone, Sirius ignored her, and James did his best to disappear. But Peter just answered her as if he was talking to one of the other three.
“We’re debating wanking,” he explained. “Black and Lupin think it’s the best thing in the world. I say it’s great, but a good steak dinner is better. And Potter thinks Quidditch is better.”
Lily chewed on her quill. “For once- and this might be an occasion worth noting- Black is right. Wanking is the best thing on earth.”
Remus sputtered and Sirius sat straight up. “But… but… you’re a GIRL!” Sirius finally managed.
“Brilliant deduction, Black,” Lily snorted.
“You don’t wank!”
“It’s impossible!” Remus agreed.
James pulled his shirt up over his head, cringing in the corner of the couch in agony.
“Well, not like you blokes do, I’m sure,” Lily agreed, making a gesture with her hand. “But girls masturbate.”
“HOW?” Remus and Sirius demanded in unison.
Lily looked at Peter. “Are they really this clueless.”
Peter sighed heavily. “Yes.”
“Are you?”
Peter snorted. “I have sisters and a single mother who every now and then gets drunk on boxed wine. I probably know more about it than you do. Clitoral stimulation, right?”
“Right,” Lily said, nodding and grinning.
“Clitoral who-what?” Sirius asked, deeply skeptical
“What’s clitoral?” Remus asked.
Lily and Peter howled with laughter, and even James emerged from the turtle shell-like sanctuary of his shirt. “Moony, you just lost any chance you ever had of shagging a girl,” he said. “What’s clitoral. Honestly. How could you not know what clitoral is?”
“Do YOU know, Potter?” Lily asked dryly.
“Course,” James said loftily. “It’s girl stuff. Down there,” he said, pointing vaguely between his legs. “Between stuff.”
Peter sighed. “It’s a bundle of nerves that’s found between the labia,” he explained to Remus.
“Oh.”
“See? Use big words and he gets it.”
“Who cares?” Sirius demanded. “What I want to know his how do you do it?”
“With a lot less effort and mess than you blokes do, that’s for sure,” Lily said primly.
“What, you just jerk it?”
Peter rolled his eyes. “You can not be this clueless! You press it, rub it, stroke it… but you don’t jerk it! Jeeze, Padfoot, and people think you’re some sort of Casanova?”
“So a girl can just what… press it and come?” Sirius demanded.
“It’s not quite THAT easy,” Lily said. “It takes some effort. But yes, touch it just right, kind of like this…” she wiggled her middle finger in a fast fluttering motion, “and yes, a girl can come. WITHOUT, might I add, the mess that you blokes make.”
“Wow,” was the general consensus from James, Remus, and Sirius.
“And girls really do this,” Sirius said, fascinated.
“But just every once in a while, right?” Remus asked.
Lily snorted. “If once in a while is at least once a night, sure.”
“Every night?” Sirius said, his voice cracking. He got down on his knees and prostrated himself in front of Lily. “You are my goddess,” he said. “My goddess of wanking. I solemnly swear I will live up to your standards. Once a night.”
“At least,” Lily said smugly. “And I’d like to see you try.”
I was floating around on
remusxsirius and saw midnitemaraud_r's brilliantly funny piece Dr. Strangelust (or How Remus Learned to Stop Worrying and Love to Wank. Absolutely brilliant, and I must say I loved the socks. (It goes so well with JKR's sock fetish that runs through the novels!)I also commented that I loved that Sirius was so clueless about the habits of girls, on which
midnitemaraud_r wisely (for the most part) commented that Sirius would never have the chance to learn. Well, I agree he's not getting anywhere with any girls, but I couldn't QUITE agree. I mean, bananas, anyone? You always have someone willing to explain.Title: Once a Day
Rating: soft R
Pairing: none, really
Disclaimer: not mine
“Wanking,” Sirius declared grandly, “has to be the best thing on earth.”
“Oh, come on now,” James argued, settling down on the common room couch next to Sirius. “There’s Quidditch.”
“And steak,” Peter pointed out. “I’m not sure which I’d rather have, a good wank or a good steak.”
“The wank,” Remus decided, flopping in front of the fire and flipping a gobstone back and forth between his hands. “Definitely the wank.”
“But steak!” Peter protested. “A good, juicy filet mignon, maybe with a nice red wine sauce and some mushrooms… and a loaded baked potato…. I mean, wanking is great and all, but how often do you get a steak like that?”
Remus considered. “Toss is a good dessert, maybe something chocolate… but… nah. Sirius is right.”
“Sirius is right about what?” Lily Evans asked from the table she was working at.
Remus clamped his mouth shut and focused his eyes on the gobstone, Sirius ignored her, and James did his best to disappear. But Peter just answered her as if he was talking to one of the other three.
“We’re debating wanking,” he explained. “Black and Lupin think it’s the best thing in the world. I say it’s great, but a good steak dinner is better. And Potter thinks Quidditch is better.”
Lily chewed on her quill. “For once- and this might be an occasion worth noting- Black is right. Wanking is the best thing on earth.”
Remus sputtered and Sirius sat straight up. “But… but… you’re a GIRL!” Sirius finally managed.
“Brilliant deduction, Black,” Lily snorted.
“You don’t wank!”
“It’s impossible!” Remus agreed.
James pulled his shirt up over his head, cringing in the corner of the couch in agony.
“Well, not like you blokes do, I’m sure,” Lily agreed, making a gesture with her hand. “But girls masturbate.”
“HOW?” Remus and Sirius demanded in unison.
Lily looked at Peter. “Are they really this clueless.”
Peter sighed heavily. “Yes.”
“Are you?”
Peter snorted. “I have sisters and a single mother who every now and then gets drunk on boxed wine. I probably know more about it than you do. Clitoral stimulation, right?”
“Right,” Lily said, nodding and grinning.
“Clitoral who-what?” Sirius asked, deeply skeptical
“What’s clitoral?” Remus asked.
Lily and Peter howled with laughter, and even James emerged from the turtle shell-like sanctuary of his shirt. “Moony, you just lost any chance you ever had of shagging a girl,” he said. “What’s clitoral. Honestly. How could you not know what clitoral is?”
“Do YOU know, Potter?” Lily asked dryly.
“Course,” James said loftily. “It’s girl stuff. Down there,” he said, pointing vaguely between his legs. “Between stuff.”
Peter sighed. “It’s a bundle of nerves that’s found between the labia,” he explained to Remus.
“Oh.”
“See? Use big words and he gets it.”
“Who cares?” Sirius demanded. “What I want to know his how do you do it?”
“With a lot less effort and mess than you blokes do, that’s for sure,” Lily said primly.
“What, you just jerk it?”
Peter rolled his eyes. “You can not be this clueless! You press it, rub it, stroke it… but you don’t jerk it! Jeeze, Padfoot, and people think you’re some sort of Casanova?”
“So a girl can just what… press it and come?” Sirius demanded.
“It’s not quite THAT easy,” Lily said. “It takes some effort. But yes, touch it just right, kind of like this…” she wiggled her middle finger in a fast fluttering motion, “and yes, a girl can come. WITHOUT, might I add, the mess that you blokes make.”
“Wow,” was the general consensus from James, Remus, and Sirius.
“And girls really do this,” Sirius said, fascinated.
“But just every once in a while, right?” Remus asked.
Lily snorted. “If once in a while is at least once a night, sure.”
“Every night?” Sirius said, his voice cracking. He got down on his knees and prostrated himself in front of Lily. “You are my goddess,” he said. “My goddess of wanking. I solemnly swear I will live up to your standards. Once a night.”
“At least,” Lily said smugly. “And I’d like to see you try.”
