Give Me Strength

[lls_mutant]

You know what would make an awesome BSG vid? (And I say this without seeing any of the footage, so I could be wrong, or there could be not enough footage to make it work.) Gaeta and Zarek, Season 4.5, Brand New Day from Dr. Horrible. Seriously.

See that? That thought right there? Blatant escapism. Why I find it necessary to escape into a show where people's lives SUCK is beyond me, but that's exactly what it is.

The thing is, I shouldn't need escapism. This is eating therapy, not brain surgery.

Yes, I am yet again freaking out about having to take my son to an eating program. I'm so not dealing well. Well, that's not totally true. Actually, it's not true at all. I'm dealing FINE. I'm not drinking or doing drugs or shutting down or shutting out. I'm just occasionally crying and immersing myself in the lives of fictional characters and feeling like I'm in a state of stasis.

I said before the holiday that I thought that the reason I couldn't get into Christmas was because we had Toby's eating hospital hanging over our heads. I think I was right. We had a really nice Christmas, but I got worn out because traveling with kids is hard, and Howard and I got no time to shut down at all with us all sleeping in the same room. But the day after Christmas, I was in the bathroom at my sister's- the only time alone either of us got all trip- and I just burst into tears. I was just sitting there in her bathroom crying and praying, because God, I'm scared, and I shouldn't be.

I'm not even sure what I'm scared about. I mean, my kid will be FINE. I'm in no danger of losing him. I know parents who have lost a child, I know parents who have had to watch their child be treated for cancer, I know parents who've had to watch their child have brain surgery. I have no right to be scared. But I am.

I think part of it is I'm scared that I'm going to walk in there and the doctors are going to tell me what a horrible mother I am that I can't get my son to eat. I have no idea why I think this, because the doctors have been nothing but nice and we've been working with therapists the past nine months who assure me this is not my fault. (Also see the evidence that Trevor eats anything that doesn't eat him back, and even that would be smart to get a running start.) But I feel like I'm failing my child, and I feel like I should be able to do something. Never mind the fact that I AM doing something. I'm getting him the help he needs. I'm taking him to this program because they'll help him and they'll help me and this is what a good mother should do. I'm admitting I can't do this alone and I'm doing what I need to do. Maybe it's the first part of that sentence that makes me so scared. I can't do this alone.

I have orientation tomorrow. I just found out about it today. I'm going down alone to meet the psychologist and get a look-around. I could bring Toby, but I don't want to. This appointment is for me, to get ME used to what's going on and to get me adjusted. Then I can help him.

I feel like a little kid though.

I know that when the time comes I will totally pull it together and do what I need to do. I'll get through this. We'll get through this. But right now... I don't know. I'm scared, and I'm oddly lonely. Howard is a tower of support and going through this himself, and I know that. My mother tries. But my mother has never quite gotten me. I'm one of those people that needs to feel and express emotions. But just because I'm scared or sad or disappointed doesn't mean I don't accept and work with whatever's happening- I just need to be scared or sad or disappointed for a while. I need to wallow in it and then I can get on with my life. If I try to bury it or put it off, it just doesn't work. Oh well.

Howard just came in and said he's going to bed, so I think that's what I'll do, too. Especially since I took cold medicine. Ick. Wish me luck tomorrow. If nothing else, I'll need it just coping with traffic ;)