FIC: A Lot to Live Up To (Part 8)

[lls_mutant]

Title: A Lot to Live Up To, Part 8
Author: lls_mutant
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Dee and Hoshi
Pairings: Dee/Lee, Hoshi/Gaeta, and past Hoshi/Narcho.
Summary: Some events pull people together, and the same events can drive others apart.
Spoilers: Eventually through the end, but this part just through The Woman King
Author's Note: Thanks to my awesome beta trovia!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7




"Should I be jealous?"

"I doubt it, sir, Hoshi's not that into women."

"He's sleeping in the same bed as my wife and has his arm around her, Gaeta. How does that qualify as not that into women?"

"Well, he's got his arm around her. Not his tongue in her mouth."

"Hmm. I see your point."

"Exactly, sir." A pause. "I wouldn't be jealous."

"I think we should get a camera," a third voice said. "Seriously. This is one of those moments you always dream about, but you never think you'll see." A sniffle. "I… I… I'm getting all emotional."

"I hate you," Hoshi mumbled, turning away, and Dee decided it would be best if she woke all the way up. She blinked, her vision clearing until Lee, Felix, and Noel resolved into three distinct forms rather than one large blob.

"I'm sorry," Dee mumbled, rubbing her eyes. "We just were talking and…" But Lee was smiling, and Dee realized he'd been joking earlier. "Oh."

"All right," Cottle was pushing aside the curtains again. "It's time to break up this slumber party and where did the three of you come from?"

"Caprica, Picon, and Scorpia," Lee suggested.

"The CIC and the hangar deck," Noel supplied.

"Well, doctor, when a man and a woman love each other very much-" Felix began.

"All right, wise guys." Cottle shook his head and motioned to Dee. "I need to see you in your own bed." He glanced at the other four. "Unless you want this peanut gallery to see you with your feet in stirrups."

"I'm coming," Dee said, and she smiled as Lee nodded to the other three and followed her.

The actual examination was gentle and thorough. Dee lay back, staring up at the ceiling and holding on to Lee's hand, especially when Cottle finished with the internal and brought out the sonogram machine. She couldn't bear to look at the screen, even if all that was on it were grainy images that she didn't understand. Lee squeezed her hand tight, but when Dee looked up at him he didn't meet her eyes, and she could see that he was crying. She squeezed his hand tight. She knew Cottle could see the emotion passing between them, but he didn't comment. Instead, he finished the exam and picked up a tourniquet.

"I need a blood sample," he said. "And then you're free to go, but I want you to report back tomorrow for the results. Dee dutifully extended her arm. But she regretted it once Cottle began to poke around with his syringe. She tried not to say anything, because after watching Hoshi go through a bone marrow biopsy it seemed pretty petty to be wincing over a simple blood test, but she couldn't hold back an exclamation of pain after one particular attempt.

"Frak it," Cottle swore. "You've got flyaway veins." He tried one more time, making Dee squirm, and then gave up. "Major," he said, looking over at Lee, "go see if Dr. Robert has made it back to the infirmary."

"Yes, sir."

Cottle loosened the tourniquet on Dee's arm, and watched Lee leave. Once he was sure he was gone, he turned back to Dee.

"I don't expect that this is going to be something that just goes away quickly," he said. "An ectopic pregnancy is for all intents and purposes a miscarriage." He put the syringe down and pulled out a cigarette. "There's a pregnancy loss support group that meets that you might want to consider, and if you find you're really having trouble, we can send you over to see Dr. Stroffa." He took a deep drag. "I'm going to have both your husband and the Admiral keep a close eye on you for the next week."

Dee nodded.

Lee returned with Dr. Robert, who was obviously practiced at this, and in one careful, smooth motion he had the needle directly into Dee's vein. "Thank you," Dee said in relief.

They left the infirmary together, Lee's arm around Dee's waist, their ears ringing with strict instructions for follow up care, how long she could be on duty, and avoiding alcohol, sex, and heavy lifting for a while. Of the three, alcohol was the only one that sounded even vaguely appealing to Dee. They walked through the halls of Galactica, nearly in silence.

"Are you hungry?" Lee asked. "I've got ten minutes left before I have to fly CAP."

"I should eat," Dee conceded.

Lee guided her into the mess hall. She noticed that a few people were looking at her oddly, like they'd realized they hadn't seen her in a few days, but for the most part, life was going on around her. People had their own concerns, their own dramas and their own lives.

"So," Lee said, sitting down and putting a tray of food in front of her, "are you going to tell me how you ended up in bed with Hoshi of all people?" He made a face, and then smiled.

Dee laughed. "I know it's strange," she admitted. "I was bored."

Lee didn't seem like he knew whether to laugh or not over that statement. He decided to go the safe route. "What's he in there for, anyway?"

"He didn't say," she lied lightly. She didn't know why she lied, but oddly, it seemed like the right thing to do.

"Mmm." She could tell Lee didn't believe her, but he didn't press her on the issue, either. Instead, he just stared at her for a long moment as she tried to eat. The food wasn't very good to begin with, but it seemed even dryer under his scrutiny.

Lee sighed. "Dad wants us to join him for dinner tomorrow night, if you're feeling up to it," he said finally.

"All right."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Dee smiled brightly. "Just tired." She pushed the tray away. "You should go. You have to fly CAP."

"I should walk you back," he began.

"Lee," Dee laughed, "I can walk back to our quarters." She reached out and touched his cheek. "I'll be all right."

He caught her hand and kissed it. "If you're sure."

"Of course I'm sure. There's no need to play the white knight."

He gave her another smile and walked out of the mess hall. Dee watched him go, and then got to her feet. She hoped she could make it to their quarters before she burst into tears again. She barely did, and ended up crying herself to sleep in their bed.

***

She managed to get out of bed and shower again before Lee came home for the night. When he opened the hatch she was sitting at the desk, going over the plans she and Hoshi had been working on together during the morning.

"Did you get out at all today?" he asked her.

"No, I'm working a half-shift tomorrow," Dee said, not looking up. "I figured I should rest today."

Lee nodded. "I brought us some dinner," he finally said.

It felt like all she was doing was sleeping and eating. Dee restrained her sigh of frustration and looked again at the plans. "Let me just finish this," she said.

"All right."

A half hour later, Lee said, "Dee? Are you going to eat?"

"Go ahead without me," she said.

Lee was still for a moment, and then she heard him moving about, doing something with the trays. When she looked up, she saw he had put a plate beside her. She looked over her shoulder and smiled at him. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

She turned back to the plans.

Numbers soothe me, Hoshi had told her. As Dee forced her mind back into circuits and code, she understood exactly what he meant. When your mind was so full of technical details that required full attention, there was no room for emotions that you didn't want to feel. She worked on.

There was motion in the background.

"Dee?" Lee said softly. "Come to bed."

"Go ahead without me."

Lee came over and gently pulled the plans out from under her hands. "No. Come on."

His eyes were so sad, and Dee remembered suddenly that he was hurting, too. She nodded, and stripped off her clothes to curl up beside him.

They didn't talk as they lay nestled together, his arms wrapped tight around her and her head on his shoulder, but Dee thought maybe they didn't need to. As she wept, her tears mingled with his.

***

"Lieutenant."

Adama's voice was softer than normal, and Dee glanced up at him with her best professional expression. "Sir?"

Adama handed her a file. "You have an appointment in sickbay in a few minutes, right?"

Dee glanced at her watch and raised her eyebrows. "Yes. Follow up from yesterday," she said lamely. She glanced at the note paper clipped to the folder. "Take these to Cottle?"

"You got it. And tell him I need an answer right away."

"Yes, sir."

He clapped her on the shoulder and smiled sadly at her. Dee wished there was a way you could politely yell at your commanding officer not to do that, because otherwise she was going to cry on duty, and that was exactly what she was trying to avoid.

Her first day back hadn't been all that bad, all things considered. She finished up what she was doing, tucked the file under her arm, and headed down to sickbay.

It didn't hit her until she entered, and then the thought that the last time she entered she was pregnant hit her with the force of a tidal wave.

She couldn't go in. Not right now. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and then glanced around frantically. To her relief, she noticed that the door of Cottle's private office was slightly ajar, and she heard his voice from inside. She stepped just inside the door and waited quietly.

"It's possible that Howell got a bad reading over on the Pegasus," Cottle was admitting. "But I'm still surprised we didn't pick up anything during the biopsy you did on New Caprica." He listened, and the expression on his face was impatient. "Mike, I'm just saying… Mike, I'm… Oh, frak it, Robert, all I'm saying is that if the equipment was malfunctioning then, I'm worried about trusting this reading now! I don't want to tell an officer one thing and then have to tell him another in two weeks. I want to be sure about this." He listened again, and whatever Dr. Robert said on the other line soothed him somewhat. He stubbed out his cigarette. "Right. Thank you. I've got to go, Mike. I've got a patient." He chuckled at something and hung up the phone.

"Lieutenant. Don't you knock?"

"Sorry, sir." Dee extended the file. "The Admiral wanted me to give this to you."

Cottle took the file. "Thank you." He flipped through the papers on the desk. "I won't even keep you long. Your blood tests came back exactly as expected, and you're recovering well. How are you feeling after your shift?"

"All right, sir. Tired."

"Well, don't overdo it, unless the Cylons attack. Then I suppose you don't have a choice, because if it comes down to you or Hoshi in the CIC, you're the one in there for the next few days. Got that?"

"Yes, sir."

Cottle handed her a form. "I need you to sign this," he said. "I got clearance from Lieutenant Hoshi to give you pertinent information about his medical status due to the fact that you two share the same job. What I need from you is your signature that whatever I tell you remains confidential."

"Of course."

"Dee," Cottle leaned forward, "just so you're aware, this does mean you can not discuss it with Lee. Louis doesn't want anyone that he hasn't told to know, and quite frankly, I don't blame him. As far as I know, Major Adama is not aware of the situation, and Louis is adamant that he stays that way."

"I understand that, sir," Dee said. She looked at the sheet, reading it over one more time, and then signed her name next to Hoshi's.

"Good. Now get out of here, I've got work to do."

***

By the end of the week, Dee was able to work a full shift, and Cottle concluded that the hGC levels in her blood were back down to zero. It was over, and although there was one more week of mild restrictions, Dee had her life back.

Well, that's what the medical charts indicated, anyway.

She opened the hatch to the lab and found Felix sitting at the table, bent over a set of star charts and tapping a pencil on the surface. He looked up with one of his brief, duty bound smiles when she entered.

"Lieutenant. Haven't seen you around much."

"Sorry," Dee said, "I've been sleeping a lot. Here are the star charts you were looking for."

He took them without comment and turned back to his work. Dee noticed that he looked tired, and she bit her lip. "How's Hoshi doing?" she asked.

Felix didn't look up. "He's doing fine, not that you'd know that."

"What do you mean?" Dee asked. "Cottle had me sign a confidentiality clearance so he could tell me if Hoshi wasn't…" she trailed off. "What?"

"Louis," Felix emphasized, "is aware of that. But for frak's sake, Dee, you two spent the whole time you were in the infirmary joined at the hip, you get out and you can't even go back to keep him company for an hour? You know how hard a time he's having, not to mention how bored he is!"

Guilt flooded Dee, because she hadn't even thought of it. "Oh, Gods, Felix, I'm so sorry. I-"

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to," Felix said stiffly.

Dee rubbed her forehead. "I know. Frak. I just…. He must be furious with me."

Felix put down the pencil. "Oddly enough, Dee, he's not. He says he understands. But I don't. It's not like you, Dee. Why haven't you visited him at all?"

She sat down at the table. "Felix," she began, and her throat closed up, "I lied to you. Sort of. Earlier."

"Huh? When?"

"When I told you that Cottle found a paraovarian cyst."

"Oh." He still looked a little baffled. "That sounded pretty serious."

"It was and it wasn't, but the reason he found it was because…" she wiped her eyes, because this was the first time she'd actually said the words out loud since she'd told Noel back in the infirmary, "I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was trying to get pregnant, and I did, and I lost the baby."

"Oh. Oh, Gods, Dee…" Felix looked around frantically, and located a box of something like tissues. He plunked it in the center of the table. "No wonder he said he understood. When I took you down there-"

"That's when Cottle discovered it," Dee said. "He operated right away. And every time I go near that infirmary, all I can think is that's where…" she wiped angrily at her eyes again.

"Okay. You're off the hook," Felix said. He looked completely helpless beyond that, though. "I'm sorry, Dee. I didn't know." He was silent for a moment, letting Dee try to pull herself back together. "How are you doing with it? Or is that a stupid question?"

Dee sighed, and then blew her nose. "I think I'm still doing my best not to deal with it," she admitted.

"Ah." Felix rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Well, if you ever need someone to listen… I don't think I can be much good with the advice or say the right things, but I can at least keep my mouth closed while you talk."

Oddly enough, it was exactly the right thing to say.

***

It was late when Dee made her way back to her quarters. She felt like she'd cried for hours, and she wasn't sure how much it had helped, but by the end she and Felix were laughing hysterically over the number of times they'd each walked in on Baltar talking to thin air, or worse, with his pants down. It was the first time she'd ever really heard Felix laugh about Baltar, and the thought that he was healing helped her as well.

Lee was in bed, but he turned over when she opened the hatch. "Dee?"

"No, just the bogeyman," Dee said, shimmying out of her uniform and climbing into bed. "Sorry I was so late."

"Where were you?"

"With Felix."

That caught Lee's attention. His eyes opened wide, and he turned over, propping his head up on his hand as he reached out and took her hand. "Did you finally tell him?" he asked. "About the baby, I mean?"

How could he say it so easily? Dee marveled. But she nodded. "Yeah, I did."

"Good," Lee said. "I've been hoping… I mean, I know it's hard for you and me to talk about it. Every time one of us says something about it, it seems like we're only hurting the other," he said bitterly. "It's probably just as well if we've got other people to talk to about it."

"Yeah."

"Did… did you talk to Hoshi about it today?" Lee asked. In the darkness, he sounded rather insecure.

"Not talk. He's… he's got enough on his mind."

"Like what?"

"I can't tell you." Silence, and Dee realized how that sounded. "I really can’t tell you, Lee," she said hastily. "Cottle made me sign an agreement."

"I understand," Lee said, but there was a catch in his voice.

Dee thought about what he'd said. "Who have you mentioned it to?" she asked, suddenly deeply afraid of the answer.

"Helo," Lee said, and Dee relaxed. Lee darkened. "Dee, we're not even talking, and even if we were, I wouldn't talk to her about it."

"I know," Dee said lightly.

Lee decided not to pursue it. "Helo's a good one to talk to," he said, lying back. "Do you know he and Sharon have been trying for another baby?"

"I thought maybe," Dee said.

"Yeah." Lee was silent for a long time. Dee had almost thought he'd drifted back off to sleep when he said softly, "Everyone says we can try again, like that's some sort of blessing. So why doesn't it make me feel any better right now?"

"Because it still won't be this baby," Dee said hollowly.

Lee fumbled for her hand. She squeezed it tight, and they lay side by side in the darkness.

***

"Specialist," Dee said, resisting the urge to rub her forehead, or even better, beat Gage over the head with the manual, "how many times to I have to tell you this is not the Pegasus. This communications console is outdated, and-"

"I know that," Gage huffed back at her. "But I worked on a Mercury class battlestar before the Pegasus, and it's just sort of second nature."

"Second nature isn't going to help when the Cylons find us again. This should be your second nature, Specialist."

"Lieutenant Dualla."

Dee spun, and a smile broke out over her face as she saw Hoshi standing in front of her. He was in his duty blues, had finally shaved, and although he still looked tired, it looked more like he had a bad hangover than he was coming off chemotherapy.

"Five minutes, Specialist," Hoshi told Gage, "and then I'll pick up where Lieutenant Dualla left off."

"Yes, sir." It wasn't Dee's imagination that Gage looked relieved.

"There was a time you'd have been delighted about dumping him on me," Hoshi said as they watched him go.

Dee chuckled. "I still am. He's impossible. I guess he's smart enough when he puts his mind to it, but stubborn as anything."

"And you don't like him because of the thing with Helo and Tyrol."

"Well, yeah." Hoshi looked down at the console, Dee looked at the CIC floor. Dee hastily picked up her training binder. "I'm really sorry I never came to see you after I got out," she said awkwardly. "Felix really let me have it last night."

Hoshi took the binder from her, opened it, and leaned over so it looked like they were quietly discussing the contents. "Don't worry about it," he said, flashing her a quick smile. "Listen, so you know, I'm on half shifts for the next week or two, and then I have to go in for consolidation."

Dee blinked. "That's good, right?" she asked.

Hoshi's grin widened. "Very good," he said. "As far as Cottle and Robert can tell, it looks like the cancer's headed for remission."

Dee found herself wanting to squeal with delight and hug him. But aside from the fact that it was not at all appropriate for the CIC, she wasn't quite sure how he'd take that. In the infirmary it had been easier, but out here, back where they'd already set up habits and attitudes and opinions… she honestly wasn't sure. So she smiled and said, "That's fantastic."

"Thanks. Anyway, I'll have to-"

"DRADIS contact!" Felix's voice rang out through the CIC, snapping them both to attention and action. "I've got six Raiders coming in at six one four one! Constant bearing, decreasing range!"

Adama looked around the CIC, and then met her eyes, looked between her and Hoshi, and gestured to Dee to get down to the CIC floor. With a start, Dee realized exactly what she was meant to do.

"Let's get the alert Vipers out there!" she heard herself ordering. "Set condition one throughout the Fleet."

"Aye, sir," Hoshi said. He sat down, pulling on his headset and immediately slipping right back into his slot. "All hands to action stations. Gunnery, report in."

"Baseships?" Adama demanded from Gaeta.

"Not yet, sir. I'm guessing this was an exploratory mission that found us by accident."

"They'll know we're here soon enough. Mr. Gaeta, transmit the coordinates. Mr. Hoshi, have the Fleet spool up the FTL drives."

"Aye sir."

The signal came in that the alert Vipers were ready to go. "Launch alert five," Dee ordered.

"CAP's coming in, sir," Felix told her.

Adama glanced at Dee. It was a brief glance of permission, and Dee swallowed hard. She checked the DRADIS to make sure her gut was right, and then nodded. "Prepare to engage. Weapons hot." She waited with bated breath for Adama to say belay that, but he just nodded.

"Apollo, this is Galactica actual," Felix said, grinning just a little. "Your wife just gave the go ahead; blow the bastards out of the sky."

"Women," Lee said over the speaker. "Most wives would be satisfied with half a dozen roses, mine wants half a dozen dead toasters. Engaging Cylon raiders."

"Hey Mort," Dee heard Narcho say, "you've got a Raider coming in on your left seven."

"My DRADIS is clear, Narcho."

"So are my frakking eyes. I'm going after him-"

"Narcho!" Starbuck shouted. "Get back in form- oh frak! Four more Raiders and-"

"DRADIS contact," Felix said, his voice far more urgent. "I've got a baseship bearing in at 330 (_)"

"Mr. Hoshi," Adama said, "order the Fleet to jump."

"Aye, sir."

"Mort! Get the frak out of there! Damn it- I'm going after him."

"Narcho!" Starbuck ordered, "get the frak back-"

"Narcho, Kat. I see him. Take the shot!"

"Frak! There really is a raider back there!" Mort shouted.

"No shit! Targeting… damn it! No joy, and FRAK! Mort! DAMN IT!"

Dee winced, but a stern glance from Adama kept it together. "Kat, we’ve got two raiders coming in at your squadron."

"We’ve got them, sir. Narcho, Hot Dog," she ordered.

"Fleet's away, sir," Hoshi confirmed.

Adama nodded. "Land the birds," he ordered. "Let's get out of here."

"Board is green," Felix confirmed, once the Vipers were in. "Jumping in three, two, one…"

They jumped.

"DRADIS shows clear, sir," Felix said.

"Fleet is all present and accounted for," Hoshi checked in.

The CIC was silent for a long moment. Adama cleared his throat. "Secure from action stations. Set condition three throughout the Fleet. Good work, people." It was funny how there were rituals after an attack, Dee thought. Felix sighed and rubbed his face with his hands before turning back to his station. Timmins and Martins gave a small high five, and she saw Gerrison bow his head in prayer. Adama was staring at the table, but he glanced up long enough to give Dee a brief smile, and Dee suddenly wondered exactly why Helo had been so silent. She glanced back at him, and he gave her a discreet thumbs up before he turned back to his job.

"You're relieved, Lieutenant," Adama said.

"Yes, sir."

It wasn't until Dee stepped out of the CIC that she allowed herself to start trembling.

***

"Not bad," Lee said as he came in, still sweaty from his Viper suit. He swept her up and kissed her.

"You stink," Dee giggled. "But I got my half-dozen dead toasters. Very romantic, Major Adama."

"Only the best for my wife," he said. He released her with a smile. "Hey," he said as he began stripping down, "was that Hoshi I heard on comm?"

"Yeah. He's back in the CIC. Sort of, anyway."

"What do you mean?"

Dee bit her lip. "I guess he'll be out again."

Lee looked baffled. "Why?"

"I'm not supposed to tell you."

"But I'm your husband."

"And Hoshi's superior, but not commanding, officer."

"He told you, but not me."

"We have the same job."

Lee looked at her levelly. "Right," he finally said, and stepped out of his pants. "I'm going to get a shower."

Dee shook her head. She settled down into a chair, not wanting to admit just how tired she was, especially as the adrenaline ebbed from her body. She heard the shower shut off, and then Lee came out, looking contrite. "I'm sorry," he said, kissing her. "If you can't tell, you can't tell, and it's ridiculous for me to get so bent out of shape about it. It's just…"

"Mort?" Dee asked sympathetically.

"Exactly."

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

"Thanks. And I hate to be thinking about it, but…" Lee shook his head.

"What?"

"Nothing," Lee sighed. "It's just that there's a problem."

"Isn't there always?

Lee sat down. "Mort was a squadron leader."

"Who's next in line?"

"One of two people," Lee sighed. "And neither of them ideal."

"Who?" Dee pressed.

"Starbuck and Narcho," Lee said, sitting down at his desk.

Despite the gravity of the situation, Dee smiled at that. But her smile faded as she realized that it really didn't matter who the second person was, it was obvious who was going to get the promotion. "Do you even really need to consider it?" she asked dully.

"Helo's insisting that we take a look at it seriously," Lee sighed. "He's still new enough to the whole XO thing that he wants to do even the smallest things exactly by the book."

"Nothing wrong with that," Dee said.

"Yeah, but the choice is obvious."

"Is it?" Dee asked. "All the former squadron leaders are either still leaders or dead."

"Kara's made captain," Lee said. "Noel hasn't."

"Maybe Noel should have by now," Dee said. "The formal promotion system dropped by the wayside long ago."

"No it hasn't," Lee said, stung.

"It has. There are a lot of people who should have received promotions. Cally, for one."

"It would have been a paygrade increase, nothing more." Lee rolled his eyes. "Who else?"

"Felix."

"New Caprica kind of frakked that up," Lee said dryly.

Dee shrugged. "Timmins. Racetrack. Stroud. Hoshi. Everan."

"Dee, come on. Look, it would be nice if we could proceed with the typical process, yes. But the military as we know it has completely changed. Circumstances have changed, and while I recognize people are getting frakked over, it's unavoidable." Lee sighed. "Besides, in most cases, it would now just be ceremonial anyway. We can't pay more, and their responsibilities wouldn't even change."

"Maybe in most cases," Dee conceded, "but not this one. If you promote Noel to captain, he's the obvious choice for squadron leader."

"Starbuck's the better pilot."

"Yes, and Noel's the better leader."

"Right." Lee sat down, staring at his hands. "Have you talked to Noel?"

"About this? No. I just-'

"No. About the baby."

"About that?" It was out of left field; Dee regarded him with confusion. "Not really. Noel's a good friend, Lee, but he's not exactly well versed in what to say to someone who's had an ectopic pregnancy."

"Well, what about Felix?"

"You're changing the subject deliberately," Dee accused.

"Maybe a little," Lee admitted. "But you're avoiding answering the question."

"Yes," Dee sighed. "I talked to Felix."

Lee nodded. He smiled when she said that, but Dee noticed that the smile didn't reach his eyes. He wasn't happy about her talking to Felix, she realized, although she couldn't put her finger on way. "A lot?" he asked.

Dee shrugged. "A fair amount. But you talked to Helo, right?"

"Yeah." Lee sighed. "Yeah, I did. I do." He glanced at his watch. "Speaking of which, I need to meet him tonight to go over this. Do you mind?"

"No, of course not." Dee shook her head. "Just, Lee? I meant what I said."

"Yeah, I know." He picked up his duty blue jacket. "Hey," he said awkwardly, before he opened the hatch, "you know… if you ever wanted to go to that pregnancy loss support group that Cottle told us about, I'd be willing to go with you. For support and everything."

Dee wrinkled her nose. "I don't think I will."

Lee shrugged. "Okay, then. I'll see you tonight. Don't wait up."

He left, and the hatch echoed behind him.

Dee stared at the hatch for a long moment, and then shook her head. Lee had to listen to her about Noel. She dug through her locker, finally finding the box that had the pictures she'd taken from Belzen's personal effects. There was also small wrapped packet in the box that she stared at for a moment in confusion, and then set aside in favor of the pictures. She leafed through them until she found the earliest one of Noel. It was of the Air Group, all wearing their duty blues, and she noticed Noel had the junior lieutenant's pins on his collar. At least Cain had promoted him since to a full grade lieutenant. She sighed, and set the stack of pictures down, wondering idly if she should give them to Noel or Hoshi.

She picked up the small packet she'd set aside, and then finally unrolled the cloth from it. A prayer icon to Hestia, goddess of fertility, fell out.

Dee burst into tears.

***

"You have something for me," Hoshi said dubiously as they walked to her quarters. "Should I expect it to explode?"

"No," Dee said. She glanced sidelong at him. He'd just finished his half-shift, and he looked pale and tired. She wondered if this was a good idea, but it was too late now.

He followed her in and looked around curiously. "I've been in the officer's quarters on the Pegasus," he remarked. "I'm surprised how similar they are."

Dee shrugged. "I guess that's as good a lead in as I'm going to get," she said. She handed Hoshi the stack of framed and unframed pictures from Belzen's effects. "I was looking for a manual," she explained as he sat down heavily. "I found them before the battle at New Caprica. I… I didn't think the people in them should be lost forever."

Hoshi stared at the pile. "Thank you," he whispered. He picked up the largest of the frames, the one of Belzen and his family, and opened it. His eyes immediately teared up, and he touched the picture softly. Then he opened the one of himself, Cain, and Belzen, and set it aside quietly again, without comment.

He picked up the packet of unframed pictures and began sifting through. At first he told Dee names, and little one sentence descriptions. She was the head of the galley. He was a great pilot, but could barely read. He couldn't tell his right from his left, how he'd ever…. but soon even that tapered off as he slowly flipped through the pictures.

"Thank you for these," he said, as he continued his slow pilgrimage. "There are so many people in here that-" he stopped, frozen.

"What is it?" Dee asked.

There was a little smile on his face as he pulled out a picture. It was the black and white picture of a teenaged boy sitting on a hospital bed. When Dee had thumbed through the pictures the first time, he'd merely been one face in an untold story. This time, with Hoshi right there, she saw that the eyes were identical, and she realized exactly who the boy in the picture was.

"Oh," she said softly.

"Yeah. I didn't know he even had this. I…" he looked at the picture again, and then shook his head and set it aside reverently. "Although it shouldn't surprise me." He began to go through the pictures again. Dee waited silently until he'd finished with all of them. He shuffled them all back into neat piles, and then stacked them together, the one of himself on top. "Thank you," he told Dee. "This means… this means so much to me."

"I'm glad." Dee shifted awkwardly.

"Was that…?"

"No, I had this for you, too." Dee pushed the prayer icon of Hestia back to him. She smiled, and she felt tears welling in her eyes. "I think it's broken. I hope you can still get your money back."

"Oh, Dee…." He sighed heavily, looking at her face. "I'll admit I fully intended it to be tasteless. But not this tasteless."

"I'm not blaming you," Dee said, choking up. "It's just… right now I'm wanting her about as far away as she can get. Between fertility and hearth and home… I think she's cursing me."

Hoshi picked up the prayer icon and turned it over. "Hey," he said slowly, "have you considered that pregnancy loss support group?"

"No," Dee said flatly. "I don't need to sit around being all… tears and shared bonding and sisterhood."

Hoshi sighed. "It's not like that."

"Because you've been to so many pregnancy loss support groups."

"Not pregnancy loss. But support groups, yes." She looked at him, and he gave a dry laugh at her surprise. "Dee," he said, bending the picture of him as a teenager between his fingers, "I ran away at seventeen because I was diagnosed with a disease that left me in the hospital- alone- for the better part of a year. I joined the military, which goes against everything I was taught. And I've had to fight off that same disease three more times. If you honestly think I've never been in a therapy group, then you have a remarkably high opinion of my ability to cope with disaster." He looked back down at the picture. "They're really helpful."

"I don't need a support group," Dee said.

Hoshi shrugged. "If you want, I'll even go with you to the first meeting. And I'll cover your shifts, if you cover for me when I'm at mine."

"Thanks," Dee said awkwardly. "I'll think about it."

Hoshi looked at her levelly. "Right," he said. He picked up the pictures and stood up. "Well, I should go. I need to sleep. Thank you for these, Dee."

"You're welcome."

"And Dee?"

"Yes?"

Hoshi turned around and looked her straight in the eye. "You can call me Louis, you know."

Dee flushed. "I know. Thank you, Louis."

He smiled, the big one that lit up his whole face. "You're welcome."

***

"Look," Dee ground out, "I don't get why both you and your father are so determined that Kara Thrace is the one for this position!"

"I don't get why you're not seeing it!" Lee snarled back. "For Gods' sakes, Dee, she's a captain, she's been CAG, and she's the best pilot in the Fleet! This has nothing to do with personal feeling!"

"I never said it did!"

"You sure as hell implied it!" Lee ran his hand through his hair impatiently, pacing the length of their quarters. "Why is this so important to you anyway?"

"Because Narcho is one of our people!"

"What? So is Starbuck!"

"Come on Lee," Dee said, turning in her chair and crossing her arms, "don't tell me you don't see it."

"Don't see what?"

"When was the last time someone from the Pegasus got promoted? When was the last time a Pegasus person got any authority?"

"Showboat's one of the squadron leaders."

"Yeah, and who else? Laird's second to Tyrol, instead of being deck chief. Helo's acting XO, instead of you. Showboat's the only Pegasus pilot in any position of authority. Even in the support positions; the Marines originally stationed on Galactica are in command, the gunners… even in the galley! The Pegasus people have all been shoved into secondary positions, even when some of them deserve to be higher up!"

"And the first time you see fit to serve as the Pegasus advocate is when Noel Allison is getting turned down for a promotion," Lee snapped. "Forgive me if I find it hard to believe that this is really about the Pegasus and not about your friend."

Dee slammed her binder down on the table. "This is not about Noel."

"It is, too. It's about Noel and Kara. You have issues with Kara, you're friends with Noel-"

"Lee!"

"Then what is this about, Dee? It's a frakking squadron leader! You're not a pilot, you're not a CO, you're not… this isn't about you! None of this is about you!"

"Then why are you getting so worked up? If I don't have any authority to say anything, why not just ignore it?"

"Because it's the most you've said to me in the past two weeks!"

"It is not!" Dee snapped back.

"It is too! You won't talk to me about the baby, which I get, Dee. I really do. You won't tell me what the frak is going on with Hoshi, which wouldn't be a big deal except you're spending so much time with him now. You won't tell me what you talk about with Felix. All you do is recite military trained responses back at me! You aren't telling me a thing that's actually going on in your head!"

"This is real!" Dee said, seizing on the one accusation she could defend. "This is what I'm really thinking right now, that you're frakking over one of our guys because there's a chance to promote Kara Thrace!"

"That's not what I mean, and you know it!"

"That doesn't mean it's not true," Dee said. "And you're not listening because when it comes to Starbuck, you've got a giant blind spot that keeps you from seeing anything resembling the truth."

Lee stared at her. "I don't need this," he said. He grabbed his jacket. "I'm going out. Maybe by the time I get back you'll have gotten your head out of your ass."

"Maybe you'll manage to pull your own out while you're gone," Dee snarled.

Lee glared at her and stormed out, slamming the hatch behind him. Dee picked up the binder and threw it at the closed hatch. It fell open, the pages fluttering as it landed under an air vent.

"Frak it."

She was starting to wonder if this was ever going to get any easier.

***

"All in," Dee scowled, pushing her cubits across the grating of the walkway.

Noel downed a shot. "I'll call you."

"I'm folding," Louis said, studying his cards as he sat cross-legged, resting his chin on his hand.

"Me, too," Felix agreed.

"Yeah, well, I'm feeling lucky," Noel said. "Not that I should. Show 'em, Dee." Dee laid down her cards, and Noel snorted with superiority. "Told ya. Not that- hey! Watch where you're walking!"

"Play in the rec room like everyone else!" the Marine shot back.

"Bastard," Noel muttered. The four of them were sitting crammed into a corner of the floor, because Louis wasn't supposed to be around smoke.

"You're in a good mood," Louis observed.

"Yeah, well." Noel slammed back another shot. "You would be too, if you got passed over for a promotion by some bitch that the Admiral was playing favorites with."

Dee smirked. "Yes, and I believe he made my life a living hell for the eight months that I was his XO." Felix snorted, and Louis ignored her spectacularly. She cocked her head at Narcho. "You know about the promotion?"

"Of course I know about it," Noel grumbled. "It was Starbuck. If the Admiral didn't strip Mort's pins off his warm corpse and put them on her collar, they must have been considering someone else, too. And I'm next in line." He eyed her. "I take it I was right."

Dee nodded, sipping her drink. "You were."

"Did you talk to Lee?"

"Oh, yes." Dee knocked back the rest of her drink. "We had some fantastic words about it, where Lee accused me of playing favorites and meddling in things I should keep my nose out of and covering up that I was really upset about the whole… baby thing."

Silence.

"What?" Dee demanded, looking around at all three of them. "Look, this is not about me! And if any of you think I was going to argue for Starbuck to be a squadron leader over Noel…"

"All right," Felix conceded, "that's fair enough."

"But?" Dee asked him.

Felix sighed, and looked at Louis and Noel for support. "Dee," he said cautiously, "I'm not saying that it was about the baby. But maybe you really should talk to someone. I mean, someone who knows what to say back."

"Shut the frak up, Felix. If we're going to start recommending counseling to each other…" Dee cut herself off before she could say something she regretted. "I'm sorry," she said, once she got herself back under control, and Felix nodded stiffly. She rubbed her head. "Maybe you guys are right," she said finally.

"Of course we are," Noel said carelessly, shuffling and dealing the next hand. "So, give me the details. Exactly why was I passed over for the squadron leader again?"

***

Dee took a deep breath, and then turned around and walked away. She got three steps before Louis grabbed her arm and pulled her back. "Come on," he said. "It's not the lion's den."

"It feels like it."

"Dee, what are you expecting in there?"

"Tears, wailing, and hello, my name is Dee and I'm a pregnancy loss survivor."

"It's not like that," Louis said, rolling his eyes. He tightened his grip on Dee's arm and pulled the door open, yanking Dee inside.

The group looked up, and the very first thing that registered was that Helo was sitting in the room. "What…" she began softly, and then it registered as she saw Athena sitting next to him. Of course Helo would support his wife.

Ishay smiled at her. "Dee," she said warmly. "Do you want to join us?" She looked up, and then did a double take as she saw Louis. "I thought Major Adama would…."

"Dee was more comfortable with me," Louis explained. "If you want me to go…."

"Whatever Dee wants," Ishay said.

Dee looked around the room. There were ten women and three men, most of whom she didn't know or didn't know well, although she noticed that Seelix was sitting in one of the chairs, and was clutching a tissue. But although the chairs were in a circle, it didn't look… well, Dee wasn't sure she knew exactly what she'd pictured anymore.

"Stay," she whispered to Louis as she sat in one of the empty chairs. "Just this time."

"All right." He sat down beside her.

There was no pressure to speak, and Dee just quietly listened through the whole thing. But when Helo began to talk about how he was coping with losing Hera, she began to cry.

Louis reached out and laced his fingers through hers.

***

"Did you go to the group?" Lee asked her.

"Yes."

"How was it?"

"It was fine."

"Are you going back?"

"Yes."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Lee asked.

Dee looked at him, and remembered Helo talking, his soul stripped bare. She tried to imagine Lee like that, and her heart broke.

"No," she said, forcing a smile. "I'll keep going alone."

On to Part 9