Commentary on Life and AIL Part 2
Dec. 1st, 2005 12:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lls_mutantSorry about the three posts in a row, but ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jlarinda asked for commentary on Part 2 of Accidentally in Love, and it's freaking long. It was fun to comment on though- hope you enjoy it!!
Other comments:
1.) Tomorrow!!!!! Induction is tomorrow! I can't wait! Whoohoo!!!! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend, btw. I won't be on LJ too much ;)
2.) Does anyone know a good community where I can post A Boy Thing? I'm actually pretty pleased with it, but it's definitely not good for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
remusxsirius given that it's more Lily and James, and it's not really gen, given that it focuses on love. But I'm actually pretty happy with it and wouldn't mind crossposting it a bit.
3.) I thought there was a third thing, but now I can't remember it. Oh well.
And with that...
jlarinda requested Chapter 2 of Accidentally In Love (it was the right chapter), mainly because of the kiss at the end. But I'm always game for doing the whole thing, so here we go.
One thing I can comment on that I notice about my own writing is I am most definitely an American, and have never been to England in my life. I do think it's often noticeable, especially in the boys' slang. Ah well!
Onward!
The howl of the train whistle announced the arrival of the Hogwarts Express to King's Cross Station. Sirius stretched his legs, kicking Lily Evans in the process.
"Ouch!"
"Sorry Evans. Accident," he lied.
I love the idea of Sirius Not Liking Lily at first. Aside from the fact that I think Sirius would be jealous that she's taking James away from him (time-wise, and loyalty-wise, not a romantic thing), I do think Sirius has Issues with Women. With his mother, can you blame him? Plus, it sets things up so nicely. With James in that "I'm in love, watch me disappear off the face of the earth!" phase of a relationship, Sirius and Remus have an excuse to hook up, and Peter can feel resentful that he's left out in the cold, laying a few seeds.
She narrowed her eyes and glared at him but didn't say anything. Fortunately James, who had been staring out the window excitedly, chose that moment to turn back to the compartment.
"So you and your parents are coming, right Lily?" he asked anxiously. "Everything's all set?"
"Everything's fine, James," Lily laughed, turning very different eyes on him. "We'll be there at five on Christmas Day."
"All right," James said as the train lurched to a stop. "I'll miss you," he said softly to Lily, and leaned in to kiss her.
Sirius gagged. "Oh Wormtail," he simpered, turning to face Peter who had had his nose in a book. "I'll miss you so."
Peter promptly dropped the book and joined in. "Sirius... how will we ever stand to be apart?"
"I do not know, but your beauty shall remain in my mind as a constant reminder."
"My loins will burn for you!"
"Loins? Um, Peter? What kind of book are you reading?" James asked.
I'm not sure WHAT Peter was reading. Knowing my Peter, probably a mystery novel or something. Mind candy with substance. But Sirius and Remus are the ones that read the bodice-rippers!
Sirius placed his hand over his heart and knelt before Peter. "Listen not to the infidel! I shall long for you every moment that we are separated!"
"Darling, I pine! I pine!" Peter shrilled, hands clasped beside his face as he batted his eyelashes.
This has to be my favorite Peter-line in the whole damn thing. If I could take the time to draw, this would be the precise moment I would draw.
"Oh the agony!"
"The suffering!"
"The pain!"
"The misery!"
"The nausea," Remus growled, rubbing his eyes as he woke up. "All four of you are sick. Sick sick sick sick sick."
"I thought you and Alex were an item?" Lily asked.
"Women are the root of all evil," Remus told her solemnly, and found himself being kicked in the shins by an annoyed Lily. "Hey! That hurts!"
"There they are!" James shouted, waving out the window. "And Lily, be nice to Remus. Alex dumped him."
"Tactful, Prongs," Remus complimented as he rubbed his shins.
No kidding. I think my favorite thing about this entire scene is they act like BOYS.
"Thanks. You guys ready?"
Sirius lifted his bag and glanced out the train window and suddenly drew in a sharp breath. There in the crowd were his parents. Around him the others were gathering their things together, but Sirius stood frozen, staring at them. They couldn't see him, and he could look all he liked.
His father was greyer and older than Sirius remembered, his shoulders a little more hunched. Had he ever really been afraid of that man? It didn't seem possible. Unconsciously he flexed his back, but there was nothing there.
His mother looked worse. Her hair was completely grey and was not so neatly chignoned as it had always been, and her stance was not so regal. Sirius noticed that her robes looked a little worse for the wear, and she wasn't wearing any jewelry.
My idea in AIL is that Sirius's father was actually rather mentally off from the beginning. Something about working in the Department of Mysteries- the magic there addled his brain. Of course, it's not like a Black is going to admit it, and it was hard to tell because the outlet for that was Sirius, and Sirius was busy defying his family anyway. His mother was broken by three things, bit by bit: first by losing Sirius when he ran away, then by losing Regulus, and finally by losing her husband. Thus she went from the lady that we saw in Deny Thy Father to eventually becoming the batshit crazy portrait we saw in OotP.
Had he caused this? Did she cry over him at night? Did she miss him? Did she regret anything? He stood on the train, hand pressed to the window, watching them stand as their own little island as students poured out. They looked alone and old and tired.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. But she hates him, too.
His mother turned towards the train and her face brightened. Sirius's heart leapt into his throat, and for one brief moment he believed she could see him. Then he saw Regulus pushing through the crowds and their mother waving to her second son. Waving. Sirius had always believed that waving was beneath his mother. He turned away and found himself looking into James's suddenly serious eyes.
"All right, Padfoot?" James asked quietly, hand on Sirius's shoulder.
"All right Prongs." Sirius covered James's hand and quickly squeezed, and then pulled himself together and forced a smile. He wouldn't be the one with regrets. "Let's go introduce your parents to your lady love."
One thing I hate in R/S fics- although far from everyone does it!- is when the author says (in not so many words) that Remus was really Sirius's best friend. No. James definitely was. Their love just wasn't the same type as Remus and Sirius's.
***
Romance. Could they all just shut up about romance? Personally, Remus never wanted to hear the word again.
He wasn't under the illusion that he was suffering from a broken heart. Not at all. In fact, the break up with Alex hadn't bothered him much at all. Really. Why should he care, anyway? There were others. There would be other chances, or no chances now that he'd learned his lesson. He didn't care, he repeated for the hundred and seventy-sixth time in two weeks. He didn't... oh bugger. He breathed deep and resolved not to think about it for the duration of the holidays.
Poor Remus. He's trying to pretend it doesn’t matter, but it does.
Personally, I don't consider the whole Alex-affair angst for Remus. It's just normal teenaged romance bullshit. Alex wasn't a sexual predator ready to pounce, he was a typical teenaged boy who wanted more than his partner was ready to give. One thing that made me really happy was the number of people who said "oh my God, I know EXACTLY how Remus felt!" Well, not happy that they felt that way, but yeah. So many teenagers have relationships where one party is ready to go faster sexually than the other, and they feel pressured. As long as the party that wants to go faster accepts the wishes of the one that wants to go slower (which Alex did- he NEVER would have assaulted Remus in any way, just verbal pressure), it's not nice and it's not good, but it's sadly normal.
Remus isn't letting himself admit how important Alex was to him, especially because he's angry and hurt. Poor kid. But again, normal. I can do a lot of things for him, but I can't make him not go through puberty!
Remus's father was waiting on the edge of the crowd, and Remus swallowed hard. Another holiday, another two weeks of pretending. He hated this.
Across the station James was introducing his parents to Lily Evans. Pretty, smart, red-haired, Head GIRL Lily Evans. It wasn't fair. Heck, by all rights James should be the gay one. Remus was the werewolf, Sirius the abused kid who ran away from home, Peter the one who lost a loving father. There had better be a very good reason James got skipped and they were back to Remus again. Then James caught his gaze and smiled at him, and Remus felt guilt for thinking anything like that.
His father was smiling as Remus wormed his way through the crowd. Even as he smiled back and hugged him, the traitorous part of his mind wondered how his close his father would let him get if he knew that about two weeks ago his son had been in bed in the Hogshead Inn giving another bloke a blow job. His stomach twisted with shame and he nearly was sick right there on the platform.
"Ready to go?" Damien asked.
No. "Sure." Remus hitched his bag higher on his shoulder. "I guess."
He wished he could talk to his father about what had happened with Alex. Not all the details, but just enough. But as he looked at his father's face, he knew that was a nonstarter.
Realistically, if it had been a girl, Remus would have felt much the same way. Remus and Damien don't much discuss emotions. Ever.
He turned around as he left, and spotted Sirius, who waved to him. Remus waved back and spent the ride home wishing he had Sirius's courage to just tell his family the truth about what he thought, and to hell with the consequences.
But there were some consequences he just wasn't ready to face.
***
Christmas was two days away, and James and Sirius could no longer put off doing their Christmas shopping. They joined throngs of other last minute shoppers in Diagon Alley.
"Hey, did you ever talk to Remus about what was bothering him?" James asked Sirius as they pushed through the crowds.
Sirius blinked, trying to remember exactly what James was referring to. "Oh! Oh right, after that full moon. Yeah. It was Alex. Things were going bad already."
James whistled between his teeth. "He really got burned, didn't he?"
"Pride, I think, more than anything else." Sirius shrugged. "He'll be okay."
"He seems to have recovered. And I'll kick Hufflepuff's arse next time we play them in revenge," James agreed cheerfully, and Sirius managed to stop himself before he reminded James that Alex was a Slytherin, not a Hufflepuff. "Gringotts first?"
"If I want money to spend, it had better be." They set out towards the large marble bank.
The cold air reddened their noses and cheeks and froze their breath before them. The sky above was grey and threatening, but not enough to dampen either boy's mood. The snow was wet enough to pack, and cold when it slithered down Sirius's neck after James threw a particularly well-aimed snowball. As much as Sirius loved Remus and Peter, there was nothing that quite compared to the freedom of being out with James. By the time they entered Diagon Alley they were wet, liberally dusted with snow, and laughing hard enough to turn heads. They only managed to pull themselves together when they stepped inside Gringotts.
I'm so bad at writing pranks and such. I just don't have the creativity for that aspect, given that I was a total goodie-two-shoes in high school. So any time I can put in something like this between James and Sirius which shows they weren't perfect little angels, I do.
"I have the key to Alphard Black's vault," Sirius said, flashing it at the goblin before him.
"Can't let you in. You're not him," the goblin said without even looking up.
James and Sirius exchanged confused glances. "Gringotts sent me the key," Sirius insisted. "I'm his great-nephew, Sirius Black. They said the vault was mine now." He put the key firmly on the papers under the goblin's nose.
The goblin studied the key, sighed, and then flipped through the book. "Fine. Black, Black... oh. Yes." He grinned nastily. "I see."
"You see what?" Sirius demanded.
The goblin, incidentally, knows exactly what happened to Alphard. He knows he was a werewolf, and he knows he killed someone and was consequently executed. Sirius knows the first part, but all he ever heard was that his uncle died of pneumonia. Remus has never told Sirius about his uncle- no one has. That's why, in OotP, Sirius assumes his uncle was disowned for leaving him money. It's the only real reason he can think of, because he doesn't know the truth.
Because, y'know, my version is the truth and JKR's isn't. Heh.
The goblin's grin widened, but his only comment was "I suppose it's in order, or as in order as it will ever be for old Black. Idiot." He gestured for the boys to follow him.
"What do you mean, idiot?" Sirius asked, following and settling himself into the cart.
"Don't call me an idiot," the goblin retorted. Sirius rolled his eyes at James, who opened his mouth to frame a suitable retort and had the words whipped away by the speed of the cart.
For some reason, that little exchange cracks me up. Perhaps I am easily entertained.
Alphard's vault was number 711. The goblin inserted the key and opened the door, and Sirius's mouth fell open. It wasn't a fortune, per se, but there was still a good-sized heap of gold galleons.
"Close your mouth, Padfoot," James said with a huge grin, "and gather up what you need."
"James, do you realize..."
"Sirius, come on." James cocked his head at the goblin, who was looking at his pocket watch and tapping his foot. He bent down and began to pile some gold into Sirius's moneybag. Sirius shook himself out of his shocked stupor and helped.
When they were outside again, Diagon Alley looked even more beautiful than Sirius could remember seeing it. The stores were a lot more exciting now that he knew he had money, and suddenly the world before him was open with possibilities.
Ironically, aside from Christmas gifts, there wasn't much in Diagon Alley that Sirius needed to buy. The Potters had bought his seventh year textbooks for him, and his school robes fit fine. But he was in desperate need of a jacket and new shoes, and nothing could excite him enough to go into the required stores.
"We could go into Muggle London," James suggested. "At least it will be different."
"Sounds good," Sirius agreed, with a bit more enthusiasm.
Muggle London might be very interesting; especially to Sirius who rarely saw it, but absolutely nothing could make shoe shopping compelling for either boy. James charmed the first pair of boots that Sirius tried on so they would fit, and the boys were out about five minutes after they entered.
Heh. Because boys and shoes… yeah. They just don't go together. Although Sirius had a certain vanity about him, I doubt he spent a lot of time fussing over his clothes. If he was THAT concerned with his appearance, I suspect he would have managed a few more baths during PoA.
"Honestly," James said, looking back at the store with the relief of an escaped convict. "Why do girls like shopping for shoes? They're shoes! You wear them on your feet!"
"Got me, mate," Sirius said, clutching his bag. To be honest, he liked the boots he'd just bought. Doc Martins, the clerk had said, black leather that laced partway up his calves. They were- whoa.
"I mean, Lily owns seven pairs," James said, still walking. "What would you do with seven pairs? Two is my limit. One good pair and one for everyday. And then I guess the sneakers I wear for Quidditch. And I suppose you need boots. But that doesn't make me- Sirius?"
Lily is meant NOT to be a shoe-monger. Actually, it turns out James has more shoes than he realizes…
Sirius barely heard him. He was staring at a shop window.
"Padfoot? Hello?"
It was a black leather jacket shouting motorcycles and Muggle and defiance and just unbelievably cool.
And, as we all know, unbelievably sexy.
James whistled between his teeth. "Bet that costs a lot of galleons," he said.
"Probably." Sirius's nose was practically pressed to the glass.
"If your parents ever saw you wearing it, like on the train to Hogwarts..."
Sirius tore his eyes away and gave James a wolfish grin. "Yeah. I'm gonna see how much it is."
James hesitated for just a moment, and then said, "Come on Padfoot. Don't drag me into another store."
"Well wait out here then." He took a few steps towards the door.
"Wait!"
"What now?"
"No, seriously. Wait. It's going to be expensive, right?"
Sirius glanced at the window again. "Probably."
"Well, wait until Boxing Day. A lot of stores have great sales on Boxing Day. Maybe you can get it for less."
Sirius snorted. "Prongs, you actually know something about shopping?"
Actually, James was told by his mother to get an idea for something to get for Sirius for Christmas. He went home and promptly reported.
James flushed a deep red and shoved him. "Git."
Sirius shoved back playfully, but admitted, "You're probably right. But we're coming back here on Boxing Day."
"Fine," James said with a long suffering sigh. "It's almost dinner time. Let's go home."
Sirius cast one last longing look at the jacket. "All right."
***
"Remus, will you please help me with the tree?" Marilyn asked, struggling with a large evergreen. Remus, who had been sitting on the sofa reading Lord of the Flies for the twenty-seventh time, lazily pulled out his wand and waved it carelessly. The tree floated and straightened under his guidance.
You know, I forgot that Remus may or may not have been seventeen at this point. Fortunately, I think since his birthday is October in my universe, he is.
"I'll hold it here while you screw it in."
"Every Christmas I say I'm going to put the tree up without magic," Marilyn grumbled as she got down on the floor. "And every year it takes maybe ten minutes for me to change my mind." She finished tightening the screws that supported the tree. "There. Want to help me decorate it?"
Remus heaved a huge, weary sigh. "Sure," he said, only because "no" wasn't really an option. "Aren't we going to wait for Dad?"
It's fun to make Remus be a moody teenager every now and then.
"He won't be home tonight until one or two. It's just you and me, kid." She reached out and ruffled his hair before he could duck away. "I thought we'd set up the tree and then just get some Chinese food."
"All right," he said with as much enthusiasm as he'd ever devoted to his Potions essays. His mother rolled her eyes at him but didn't push the issue.
He did cheer up some as they decorated the tree, especially as they pulled out ornaments that Remus himself had made over the years. Some were all right, but most were badly formed and tacky, clumsy with blobbed letters, blotted paint and too much glue.
"I should make you some new ones," Remus mused as he held up a truly atrocious ball covered with sequins. "At least now I know how to spell Christmas. Oh no, you are not going to hang that one!"
"But it's my favorite!" Marilyn insisted, looking at it affectionately.
"The 's' is backwards! I couldn't even write my own name!"
Based on my sister's way of signing her name when she was about that age :) My mother always loved the backwards s-es.
"You were only four," his mother said, running a finger over it. "You were so little then." She hung it on a high branch.
"Four," Remus muttered. "I made it before I was bitten then, didn't I?"
"Yes," Marilyn said, her voice clipped. "But that's not why I love it. Come on. Let's go get supper."
Remus was largely silent until they returned. "Mum?" he asked as they settled on the floor in front of the tree, eating from the take away boxes with chopsticks and a bottle of cheap wine between them. "Did you ever want to have another kid once I was bitten?"
"No." Marilyn leaned over and poked through his dinner. "Hand over a few cashews."
"Because you weren't allowed," Remus pressed, stealing some of her pepper steak in retaliation.
"Well, we're not," Marilyn agreed, "but the Werewolf Registry wasn't the real reason. Are you old enough that I can I tell you something without you getting upset?"
The idea that Marilyn and Damien aren't allowed another child actually seems pretty reasonable to me. I don't think my Werewolf Registry would have taken away their other kids, had they had them, but I do think the idea of bringing another child into a house with a young werewolf would just qualify as a Bad Idea. It's also kind of nice to put this restriction in. On the one hand, it seems very harsh. On the other, it's not a huge source of angst, because it IS one that Marilyn and Damien actually agree with. And Marilyn tells the truth- they never wanted kids and weren't planning on a second anyway.
He shrugged. "Sure."
"We never planned on having you, either."
"Oh." Because he'd promised, Remus didn't shoot back at her like he wanted. "Oh. Is that why you and Dad got married then?"
"Hardly. We were married for four years before you came alone." Marilyn picked through the fried rice, systematically removing bits of fried egg. "I worked very hard for my degree, and your father was an Auror. It's a very dangerous job. We decided against children- we didn't think they fit into the life we planned. When I found out I was pregnant, I cried for three days and your father didn't really speak for a week."
It always bugs me in younger fanfic when I see that True Love must desire to procreate. I mean, it sounds funny to hear me say that, given that I'm STILL WAITING for this kid to come out, but it still bugs me. Kids are such a personal decision, and some people just don't want the life that you have to live if you're going to be a parent. It's also one of the many reasons I DESPISE Mpreg. Aside from the biological impossibility, while some gay couples might want kids, just because they are a couple does not immediately mean that two men must want children. Anyway, Marilyn and Damien would have actually been very, very happy going through life without a child. But when a child came, it did add to their life.
Off my soapbox now.
"You're really pushing the 'don't be upset' thing, Mum."
"Baby, you know we love you."
"Then why...?" Remus trailed off, completely unsure of what his question even was.
"You know, sometimes I think God made the gestation period nine months so people would have time to get used to the idea. We were upset at first, but by the time you showed up we were so excited. The first time I held you in my arms I cried again, and this time because I was happy." Marilyn smiled wistfully. "No, not just happy. It's not the right word. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. And your father... your father was so proud he took you into Headquarters before he even brought you home." She laughed. "You dirtied your diaper there, and your father- the great Auror Damien Lupin- was in an absolute panic. He and Alastor Moody tried to get you settled- oh, that was funny to watch- and unfortunately, you, well, weren't finished."
I have to keep reminding myself that Moody still had two normal eyes all through AIL, and probably was not called Mad-Eye until after VW I ended.
"Meaning..." Remus prodded with a mix of amusement and dread.
"You hit Moody square in the eye. Headquarters was in an uproar for hours." They both laughed, and Remus wondered if this moment wasn't the time to tell her. "Your father still took you back though, as often as he could," Marilyn continued, unaware of her son teetering on the edge of confession. "And Moody never went near you without performing at least three checks that you were covered! From what I hear, he's now paranoid about babies as well as Dark Wizards, food he doesn't make himself, and other things that go bump in the night. And when you showed your first signs of being magical- you turned your carrots into butterflies so you wouldn't have to eat them- I thought your father was going to burst. He's always been so proud of you, Remus, and so have I."
"Even after I was bitten?" he asked, setting down his dinner.
"Especially after you were bitten, baby. Come on. Let's finish and clean up."
Remus obeyed, ducking his head so she couldn't see his expression, and wishing desperately that his parents' opinions didn't matter so much.
***
This was killing him. Beyond killing him. Sirius had held off as long as he could, feeling more than a little awkward about having one off in the Potters' guest bed, but there was a time and a place for everything, and this was most definitely the time.
Because let's face it. Guys can probably jerk off no problem in a fairly public place, but knowing that you might get caught by someone you consider a mother… it's kind of squicky, you know? I think so, anyway.
Checking to make sure the door was locked (twice) and that no house elf was lurking in the corners (three times), Sirius got down to business. The only problem was the voices in his head.
You'd be ready and raring to go if I was James Potter...
A picture of two men, one on his hands and knees and the other one behind him, thrusting endlessly in an image in a book...
Yes Alex, I would fuck Sirius Black...
A body beneath his, slender and angular, sometimes with black hair and sometimes with brown...
Pads, please....
Sirius's eyes shot open as he lay panting on the Potters' guest bed, body still shaking with the force of his orgasm. Oh, it had never been like that, never....
He drew in a deep breath and rolled over to get his wand. The cleaning charm took all of ten seconds, and then his mind wandered back to... it.
His fantasies had always been vague. The feeling of warmth, hands on him, heat and passion, but never a face or a hair color or any single distinguishing feature. On the rare occasion, Sirius wondered about it. (Okay, on the one occasion he'd actually thought about it Sirius wondered about it.) But he had just assumed his fantasies were vague because no girl had taken his fancy.
Well, that was sort of right.
He'd put off doing this for nearly two weeks, ever since Alex's accusation. He was afraid- Sirius could admit that. He was afraid of exactly what would come into his mind. Ever since that night with Alex, the question of his sexuality kept coming back to haunt him at the most inappropriate times, and Sirius knew it was a question that had to be settled. And without knowing it, Remus and James had settled it for him tonight.
He tried to convince himself this was a one-time thought, that it meant nothing, but Sirius was a fundamentally honest person. It meant everything.
He is. Honest, I mean.
To be honest myself, I do think this was probably a pretty easy realization. Realistically, I think Sirius should have struggled with it much longer. And he sort of did- that's why he DOES hold off on having sex with Remus for so long, because he's weirded out by it. But it is still a pretty quick acknowledgement, given that all of Deny Thy Father is from Sirius's point of view and he never thought about it. (Deliberate. Not only did I not want to scare off gen readers at Immeritus, where DTF was first posted, but I firmly believed Sirius just had too much going on, so sex of any kind got pushed to the back burner.)
Queer. Gay. Homosexual. Faggot. Shirtlifter. Pansy. Pouf. Nancy-boy.
Yes. Check. Uh-huh. Yup. Um... yeah. Unfortunately. Affirmative. And that too.
"I'm gay," he announced to the ceiling.
The ceiling did not respond, but the affirmation spoken for the first time out loud echoed in his ears as if it had been shouted.
As much as he hated it a sense of peace flooded him as he listened to those two syllables ringing in his head. Those three treacherous words "Am I queer?" would stop popping up as he studied Charms or ate a sandwich or brushed his teeth. Of course, he thought sourly, they'd probably just stop popping into his head in that order. Now "Am" and "I" would be switching places and "I am queer" would be invading as he threw snowballs at James and dried the dishes and ate Christmas dinner. Great.
This comes from what someone told me about their own experiences coming out to themselves. And that's all I'm saying about that.
He thought about telling James, but that thought was dismissed quicker than a Snitch on a sugar high. Just yesterday James had told him a raunchy joke about a wizard, a broomstick, and Snape's hair. Sirius had laughed, but he had been offended. Yesterday he'd told himself it was because of Moony. James shouldn't talk about Remus that way, even if he didn't know that's what he was doing. But tonight he admitted James shouldn't talk about Sirius that way. Sirius had never appreciated just how hard it was for Remus to watch them do something he didn't approve of, and for a moment considered laying off Snape in a show of support.
James and homophobia: My James is homophobic because frankly, he has no reason NOT to be. He's never known anyone to this point that's gay, and he's only heard the jokes and all that. He doesn't really think about it- sort of an echo of Alphard's letter in Mentors concerning the Prank, really. Sirius never really thought about what it meant for Remus to be a werewolf, Remus never really thinks about what it is NOT to be a werewolf, and James never thinks about what it is to be gay. I think that's really something that most people can identify with- it can be hard to step outside our own perspective and look at someone else's life.
Also, please note the mention of Sirius harassing Snape. Thank you.
Nah. He'd think of something else instead. Something like- oh shit.
Remus. It had been Remus's voice in his head when he'd come. Remus was the only one who called him "Pads" as opposed to Padfoot. It had been Remus.
No. Not the thought that he needed now. Not when... I would fuck- not NOW!
But that was the question, wasn't it? He knew Remus would sleep with him. Would he sleep with Remus?
That was a terrifying thought. His mind scurried away from it and he pulled the covers up to his chin, trying to bring back some level of chastity.
"You've just figured out you're queer," Sirius muttered sternly to himself, wincing on the last word. "It's a little early to be plotting bed partners, isn't it? Go to sleep."
He tried to obey, but it was a long, sleepless night.
Oooh, Sirius has suddenly found the keys to his sexuality, and now he wants to try them out. There's definitely some impulse there- he knows Remus is gay. He knows Remus is willing. He knows Remus is attractive. Sex IS the logical conclusion. But he is scared, and although Sirius in canon is an impulsive man, I can't believe he acts on every single impulse he has immediately. That's just painting someone with too broad a brush- I mean, he'd never survive. How many of us look down from a really high place and have this weird impulse to jump?
On to Part 2
jlarinda asked for commentary on Part 2 of Accidentally in Love, and it's freaking long. It was fun to comment on though- hope you enjoy it!!Other comments:
1.) Tomorrow!!!!! Induction is tomorrow! I can't wait! Whoohoo!!!! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend, btw. I won't be on LJ too much ;)
2.) Does anyone know a good community where I can post A Boy Thing? I'm actually pretty pleased with it, but it's definitely not good for
remusxsirius given that it's more Lily and James, and it's not really gen, given that it focuses on love. But I'm actually pretty happy with it and wouldn't mind crossposting it a bit.3.) I thought there was a third thing, but now I can't remember it. Oh well.
And with that...
jlarinda requested Chapter 2 of Accidentally In Love (it was the right chapter), mainly because of the kiss at the end. But I'm always game for doing the whole thing, so here we go.One thing I can comment on that I notice about my own writing is I am most definitely an American, and have never been to England in my life. I do think it's often noticeable, especially in the boys' slang. Ah well!
Onward!
The howl of the train whistle announced the arrival of the Hogwarts Express to King's Cross Station. Sirius stretched his legs, kicking Lily Evans in the process.
"Ouch!"
"Sorry Evans. Accident," he lied.
I love the idea of Sirius Not Liking Lily at first. Aside from the fact that I think Sirius would be jealous that she's taking James away from him (time-wise, and loyalty-wise, not a romantic thing), I do think Sirius has Issues with Women. With his mother, can you blame him? Plus, it sets things up so nicely. With James in that "I'm in love, watch me disappear off the face of the earth!" phase of a relationship, Sirius and Remus have an excuse to hook up, and Peter can feel resentful that he's left out in the cold, laying a few seeds.
She narrowed her eyes and glared at him but didn't say anything. Fortunately James, who had been staring out the window excitedly, chose that moment to turn back to the compartment.
"So you and your parents are coming, right Lily?" he asked anxiously. "Everything's all set?"
"Everything's fine, James," Lily laughed, turning very different eyes on him. "We'll be there at five on Christmas Day."
"All right," James said as the train lurched to a stop. "I'll miss you," he said softly to Lily, and leaned in to kiss her.
Sirius gagged. "Oh Wormtail," he simpered, turning to face Peter who had had his nose in a book. "I'll miss you so."
Peter promptly dropped the book and joined in. "Sirius... how will we ever stand to be apart?"
"I do not know, but your beauty shall remain in my mind as a constant reminder."
"My loins will burn for you!"
"Loins? Um, Peter? What kind of book are you reading?" James asked.
I'm not sure WHAT Peter was reading. Knowing my Peter, probably a mystery novel or something. Mind candy with substance. But Sirius and Remus are the ones that read the bodice-rippers!
Sirius placed his hand over his heart and knelt before Peter. "Listen not to the infidel! I shall long for you every moment that we are separated!"
"Darling, I pine! I pine!" Peter shrilled, hands clasped beside his face as he batted his eyelashes.
This has to be my favorite Peter-line in the whole damn thing. If I could take the time to draw, this would be the precise moment I would draw.
"Oh the agony!"
"The suffering!"
"The pain!"
"The misery!"
"The nausea," Remus growled, rubbing his eyes as he woke up. "All four of you are sick. Sick sick sick sick sick."
"I thought you and Alex were an item?" Lily asked.
"Women are the root of all evil," Remus told her solemnly, and found himself being kicked in the shins by an annoyed Lily. "Hey! That hurts!"
"There they are!" James shouted, waving out the window. "And Lily, be nice to Remus. Alex dumped him."
"Tactful, Prongs," Remus complimented as he rubbed his shins.
No kidding. I think my favorite thing about this entire scene is they act like BOYS.
"Thanks. You guys ready?"
Sirius lifted his bag and glanced out the train window and suddenly drew in a sharp breath. There in the crowd were his parents. Around him the others were gathering their things together, but Sirius stood frozen, staring at them. They couldn't see him, and he could look all he liked.
His father was greyer and older than Sirius remembered, his shoulders a little more hunched. Had he ever really been afraid of that man? It didn't seem possible. Unconsciously he flexed his back, but there was nothing there.
His mother looked worse. Her hair was completely grey and was not so neatly chignoned as it had always been, and her stance was not so regal. Sirius noticed that her robes looked a little worse for the wear, and she wasn't wearing any jewelry.
My idea in AIL is that Sirius's father was actually rather mentally off from the beginning. Something about working in the Department of Mysteries- the magic there addled his brain. Of course, it's not like a Black is going to admit it, and it was hard to tell because the outlet for that was Sirius, and Sirius was busy defying his family anyway. His mother was broken by three things, bit by bit: first by losing Sirius when he ran away, then by losing Regulus, and finally by losing her husband. Thus she went from the lady that we saw in Deny Thy Father to eventually becoming the batshit crazy portrait we saw in OotP.
Had he caused this? Did she cry over him at night? Did she miss him? Did she regret anything? He stood on the train, hand pressed to the window, watching them stand as their own little island as students poured out. They looked alone and old and tired.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. But she hates him, too.
His mother turned towards the train and her face brightened. Sirius's heart leapt into his throat, and for one brief moment he believed she could see him. Then he saw Regulus pushing through the crowds and their mother waving to her second son. Waving. Sirius had always believed that waving was beneath his mother. He turned away and found himself looking into James's suddenly serious eyes.
"All right, Padfoot?" James asked quietly, hand on Sirius's shoulder.
"All right Prongs." Sirius covered James's hand and quickly squeezed, and then pulled himself together and forced a smile. He wouldn't be the one with regrets. "Let's go introduce your parents to your lady love."
One thing I hate in R/S fics- although far from everyone does it!- is when the author says (in not so many words) that Remus was really Sirius's best friend. No. James definitely was. Their love just wasn't the same type as Remus and Sirius's.
***
Romance. Could they all just shut up about romance? Personally, Remus never wanted to hear the word again.
He wasn't under the illusion that he was suffering from a broken heart. Not at all. In fact, the break up with Alex hadn't bothered him much at all. Really. Why should he care, anyway? There were others. There would be other chances, or no chances now that he'd learned his lesson. He didn't care, he repeated for the hundred and seventy-sixth time in two weeks. He didn't... oh bugger. He breathed deep and resolved not to think about it for the duration of the holidays.
Poor Remus. He's trying to pretend it doesn’t matter, but it does.
Personally, I don't consider the whole Alex-affair angst for Remus. It's just normal teenaged romance bullshit. Alex wasn't a sexual predator ready to pounce, he was a typical teenaged boy who wanted more than his partner was ready to give. One thing that made me really happy was the number of people who said "oh my God, I know EXACTLY how Remus felt!" Well, not happy that they felt that way, but yeah. So many teenagers have relationships where one party is ready to go faster sexually than the other, and they feel pressured. As long as the party that wants to go faster accepts the wishes of the one that wants to go slower (which Alex did- he NEVER would have assaulted Remus in any way, just verbal pressure), it's not nice and it's not good, but it's sadly normal.
Remus isn't letting himself admit how important Alex was to him, especially because he's angry and hurt. Poor kid. But again, normal. I can do a lot of things for him, but I can't make him not go through puberty!
Remus's father was waiting on the edge of the crowd, and Remus swallowed hard. Another holiday, another two weeks of pretending. He hated this.
Across the station James was introducing his parents to Lily Evans. Pretty, smart, red-haired, Head GIRL Lily Evans. It wasn't fair. Heck, by all rights James should be the gay one. Remus was the werewolf, Sirius the abused kid who ran away from home, Peter the one who lost a loving father. There had better be a very good reason James got skipped and they were back to Remus again. Then James caught his gaze and smiled at him, and Remus felt guilt for thinking anything like that.
His father was smiling as Remus wormed his way through the crowd. Even as he smiled back and hugged him, the traitorous part of his mind wondered how his close his father would let him get if he knew that about two weeks ago his son had been in bed in the Hogshead Inn giving another bloke a blow job. His stomach twisted with shame and he nearly was sick right there on the platform.
"Ready to go?" Damien asked.
No. "Sure." Remus hitched his bag higher on his shoulder. "I guess."
He wished he could talk to his father about what had happened with Alex. Not all the details, but just enough. But as he looked at his father's face, he knew that was a nonstarter.
Realistically, if it had been a girl, Remus would have felt much the same way. Remus and Damien don't much discuss emotions. Ever.
He turned around as he left, and spotted Sirius, who waved to him. Remus waved back and spent the ride home wishing he had Sirius's courage to just tell his family the truth about what he thought, and to hell with the consequences.
But there were some consequences he just wasn't ready to face.
***
Christmas was two days away, and James and Sirius could no longer put off doing their Christmas shopping. They joined throngs of other last minute shoppers in Diagon Alley.
"Hey, did you ever talk to Remus about what was bothering him?" James asked Sirius as they pushed through the crowds.
Sirius blinked, trying to remember exactly what James was referring to. "Oh! Oh right, after that full moon. Yeah. It was Alex. Things were going bad already."
James whistled between his teeth. "He really got burned, didn't he?"
"Pride, I think, more than anything else." Sirius shrugged. "He'll be okay."
"He seems to have recovered. And I'll kick Hufflepuff's arse next time we play them in revenge," James agreed cheerfully, and Sirius managed to stop himself before he reminded James that Alex was a Slytherin, not a Hufflepuff. "Gringotts first?"
"If I want money to spend, it had better be." They set out towards the large marble bank.
The cold air reddened their noses and cheeks and froze their breath before them. The sky above was grey and threatening, but not enough to dampen either boy's mood. The snow was wet enough to pack, and cold when it slithered down Sirius's neck after James threw a particularly well-aimed snowball. As much as Sirius loved Remus and Peter, there was nothing that quite compared to the freedom of being out with James. By the time they entered Diagon Alley they were wet, liberally dusted with snow, and laughing hard enough to turn heads. They only managed to pull themselves together when they stepped inside Gringotts.
I'm so bad at writing pranks and such. I just don't have the creativity for that aspect, given that I was a total goodie-two-shoes in high school. So any time I can put in something like this between James and Sirius which shows they weren't perfect little angels, I do.
"I have the key to Alphard Black's vault," Sirius said, flashing it at the goblin before him.
"Can't let you in. You're not him," the goblin said without even looking up.
James and Sirius exchanged confused glances. "Gringotts sent me the key," Sirius insisted. "I'm his great-nephew, Sirius Black. They said the vault was mine now." He put the key firmly on the papers under the goblin's nose.
The goblin studied the key, sighed, and then flipped through the book. "Fine. Black, Black... oh. Yes." He grinned nastily. "I see."
"You see what?" Sirius demanded.
The goblin, incidentally, knows exactly what happened to Alphard. He knows he was a werewolf, and he knows he killed someone and was consequently executed. Sirius knows the first part, but all he ever heard was that his uncle died of pneumonia. Remus has never told Sirius about his uncle- no one has. That's why, in OotP, Sirius assumes his uncle was disowned for leaving him money. It's the only real reason he can think of, because he doesn't know the truth.
Because, y'know, my version is the truth and JKR's isn't. Heh.
The goblin's grin widened, but his only comment was "I suppose it's in order, or as in order as it will ever be for old Black. Idiot." He gestured for the boys to follow him.
"What do you mean, idiot?" Sirius asked, following and settling himself into the cart.
"Don't call me an idiot," the goblin retorted. Sirius rolled his eyes at James, who opened his mouth to frame a suitable retort and had the words whipped away by the speed of the cart.
For some reason, that little exchange cracks me up. Perhaps I am easily entertained.
Alphard's vault was number 711. The goblin inserted the key and opened the door, and Sirius's mouth fell open. It wasn't a fortune, per se, but there was still a good-sized heap of gold galleons.
"Close your mouth, Padfoot," James said with a huge grin, "and gather up what you need."
"James, do you realize..."
"Sirius, come on." James cocked his head at the goblin, who was looking at his pocket watch and tapping his foot. He bent down and began to pile some gold into Sirius's moneybag. Sirius shook himself out of his shocked stupor and helped.
When they were outside again, Diagon Alley looked even more beautiful than Sirius could remember seeing it. The stores were a lot more exciting now that he knew he had money, and suddenly the world before him was open with possibilities.
Ironically, aside from Christmas gifts, there wasn't much in Diagon Alley that Sirius needed to buy. The Potters had bought his seventh year textbooks for him, and his school robes fit fine. But he was in desperate need of a jacket and new shoes, and nothing could excite him enough to go into the required stores.
"We could go into Muggle London," James suggested. "At least it will be different."
"Sounds good," Sirius agreed, with a bit more enthusiasm.
Muggle London might be very interesting; especially to Sirius who rarely saw it, but absolutely nothing could make shoe shopping compelling for either boy. James charmed the first pair of boots that Sirius tried on so they would fit, and the boys were out about five minutes after they entered.
Heh. Because boys and shoes… yeah. They just don't go together. Although Sirius had a certain vanity about him, I doubt he spent a lot of time fussing over his clothes. If he was THAT concerned with his appearance, I suspect he would have managed a few more baths during PoA.
"Honestly," James said, looking back at the store with the relief of an escaped convict. "Why do girls like shopping for shoes? They're shoes! You wear them on your feet!"
"Got me, mate," Sirius said, clutching his bag. To be honest, he liked the boots he'd just bought. Doc Martins, the clerk had said, black leather that laced partway up his calves. They were- whoa.
"I mean, Lily owns seven pairs," James said, still walking. "What would you do with seven pairs? Two is my limit. One good pair and one for everyday. And then I guess the sneakers I wear for Quidditch. And I suppose you need boots. But that doesn't make me- Sirius?"
Lily is meant NOT to be a shoe-monger. Actually, it turns out James has more shoes than he realizes…
Sirius barely heard him. He was staring at a shop window.
"Padfoot? Hello?"
It was a black leather jacket shouting motorcycles and Muggle and defiance and just unbelievably cool.
And, as we all know, unbelievably sexy.
James whistled between his teeth. "Bet that costs a lot of galleons," he said.
"Probably." Sirius's nose was practically pressed to the glass.
"If your parents ever saw you wearing it, like on the train to Hogwarts..."
Sirius tore his eyes away and gave James a wolfish grin. "Yeah. I'm gonna see how much it is."
James hesitated for just a moment, and then said, "Come on Padfoot. Don't drag me into another store."
"Well wait out here then." He took a few steps towards the door.
"Wait!"
"What now?"
"No, seriously. Wait. It's going to be expensive, right?"
Sirius glanced at the window again. "Probably."
"Well, wait until Boxing Day. A lot of stores have great sales on Boxing Day. Maybe you can get it for less."
Sirius snorted. "Prongs, you actually know something about shopping?"
Actually, James was told by his mother to get an idea for something to get for Sirius for Christmas. He went home and promptly reported.
James flushed a deep red and shoved him. "Git."
Sirius shoved back playfully, but admitted, "You're probably right. But we're coming back here on Boxing Day."
"Fine," James said with a long suffering sigh. "It's almost dinner time. Let's go home."
Sirius cast one last longing look at the jacket. "All right."
***
"Remus, will you please help me with the tree?" Marilyn asked, struggling with a large evergreen. Remus, who had been sitting on the sofa reading Lord of the Flies for the twenty-seventh time, lazily pulled out his wand and waved it carelessly. The tree floated and straightened under his guidance.
You know, I forgot that Remus may or may not have been seventeen at this point. Fortunately, I think since his birthday is October in my universe, he is.
"I'll hold it here while you screw it in."
"Every Christmas I say I'm going to put the tree up without magic," Marilyn grumbled as she got down on the floor. "And every year it takes maybe ten minutes for me to change my mind." She finished tightening the screws that supported the tree. "There. Want to help me decorate it?"
Remus heaved a huge, weary sigh. "Sure," he said, only because "no" wasn't really an option. "Aren't we going to wait for Dad?"
It's fun to make Remus be a moody teenager every now and then.
"He won't be home tonight until one or two. It's just you and me, kid." She reached out and ruffled his hair before he could duck away. "I thought we'd set up the tree and then just get some Chinese food."
"All right," he said with as much enthusiasm as he'd ever devoted to his Potions essays. His mother rolled her eyes at him but didn't push the issue.
He did cheer up some as they decorated the tree, especially as they pulled out ornaments that Remus himself had made over the years. Some were all right, but most were badly formed and tacky, clumsy with blobbed letters, blotted paint and too much glue.
"I should make you some new ones," Remus mused as he held up a truly atrocious ball covered with sequins. "At least now I know how to spell Christmas. Oh no, you are not going to hang that one!"
"But it's my favorite!" Marilyn insisted, looking at it affectionately.
"The 's' is backwards! I couldn't even write my own name!"
Based on my sister's way of signing her name when she was about that age :) My mother always loved the backwards s-es.
"You were only four," his mother said, running a finger over it. "You were so little then." She hung it on a high branch.
"Four," Remus muttered. "I made it before I was bitten then, didn't I?"
"Yes," Marilyn said, her voice clipped. "But that's not why I love it. Come on. Let's go get supper."
Remus was largely silent until they returned. "Mum?" he asked as they settled on the floor in front of the tree, eating from the take away boxes with chopsticks and a bottle of cheap wine between them. "Did you ever want to have another kid once I was bitten?"
"No." Marilyn leaned over and poked through his dinner. "Hand over a few cashews."
"Because you weren't allowed," Remus pressed, stealing some of her pepper steak in retaliation.
"Well, we're not," Marilyn agreed, "but the Werewolf Registry wasn't the real reason. Are you old enough that I can I tell you something without you getting upset?"
The idea that Marilyn and Damien aren't allowed another child actually seems pretty reasonable to me. I don't think my Werewolf Registry would have taken away their other kids, had they had them, but I do think the idea of bringing another child into a house with a young werewolf would just qualify as a Bad Idea. It's also kind of nice to put this restriction in. On the one hand, it seems very harsh. On the other, it's not a huge source of angst, because it IS one that Marilyn and Damien actually agree with. And Marilyn tells the truth- they never wanted kids and weren't planning on a second anyway.
He shrugged. "Sure."
"We never planned on having you, either."
"Oh." Because he'd promised, Remus didn't shoot back at her like he wanted. "Oh. Is that why you and Dad got married then?"
"Hardly. We were married for four years before you came alone." Marilyn picked through the fried rice, systematically removing bits of fried egg. "I worked very hard for my degree, and your father was an Auror. It's a very dangerous job. We decided against children- we didn't think they fit into the life we planned. When I found out I was pregnant, I cried for three days and your father didn't really speak for a week."
It always bugs me in younger fanfic when I see that True Love must desire to procreate. I mean, it sounds funny to hear me say that, given that I'm STILL WAITING for this kid to come out, but it still bugs me. Kids are such a personal decision, and some people just don't want the life that you have to live if you're going to be a parent. It's also one of the many reasons I DESPISE Mpreg. Aside from the biological impossibility, while some gay couples might want kids, just because they are a couple does not immediately mean that two men must want children. Anyway, Marilyn and Damien would have actually been very, very happy going through life without a child. But when a child came, it did add to their life.
Off my soapbox now.
"You're really pushing the 'don't be upset' thing, Mum."
"Baby, you know we love you."
"Then why...?" Remus trailed off, completely unsure of what his question even was.
"You know, sometimes I think God made the gestation period nine months so people would have time to get used to the idea. We were upset at first, but by the time you showed up we were so excited. The first time I held you in my arms I cried again, and this time because I was happy." Marilyn smiled wistfully. "No, not just happy. It's not the right word. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. And your father... your father was so proud he took you into Headquarters before he even brought you home." She laughed. "You dirtied your diaper there, and your father- the great Auror Damien Lupin- was in an absolute panic. He and Alastor Moody tried to get you settled- oh, that was funny to watch- and unfortunately, you, well, weren't finished."
I have to keep reminding myself that Moody still had two normal eyes all through AIL, and probably was not called Mad-Eye until after VW I ended.
"Meaning..." Remus prodded with a mix of amusement and dread.
"You hit Moody square in the eye. Headquarters was in an uproar for hours." They both laughed, and Remus wondered if this moment wasn't the time to tell her. "Your father still took you back though, as often as he could," Marilyn continued, unaware of her son teetering on the edge of confession. "And Moody never went near you without performing at least three checks that you were covered! From what I hear, he's now paranoid about babies as well as Dark Wizards, food he doesn't make himself, and other things that go bump in the night. And when you showed your first signs of being magical- you turned your carrots into butterflies so you wouldn't have to eat them- I thought your father was going to burst. He's always been so proud of you, Remus, and so have I."
"Even after I was bitten?" he asked, setting down his dinner.
"Especially after you were bitten, baby. Come on. Let's finish and clean up."
Remus obeyed, ducking his head so she couldn't see his expression, and wishing desperately that his parents' opinions didn't matter so much.
***
This was killing him. Beyond killing him. Sirius had held off as long as he could, feeling more than a little awkward about having one off in the Potters' guest bed, but there was a time and a place for everything, and this was most definitely the time.
Because let's face it. Guys can probably jerk off no problem in a fairly public place, but knowing that you might get caught by someone you consider a mother… it's kind of squicky, you know? I think so, anyway.
Checking to make sure the door was locked (twice) and that no house elf was lurking in the corners (three times), Sirius got down to business. The only problem was the voices in his head.
You'd be ready and raring to go if I was James Potter...
A picture of two men, one on his hands and knees and the other one behind him, thrusting endlessly in an image in a book...
Yes Alex, I would fuck Sirius Black...
A body beneath his, slender and angular, sometimes with black hair and sometimes with brown...
Pads, please....
Sirius's eyes shot open as he lay panting on the Potters' guest bed, body still shaking with the force of his orgasm. Oh, it had never been like that, never....
He drew in a deep breath and rolled over to get his wand. The cleaning charm took all of ten seconds, and then his mind wandered back to... it.
His fantasies had always been vague. The feeling of warmth, hands on him, heat and passion, but never a face or a hair color or any single distinguishing feature. On the rare occasion, Sirius wondered about it. (Okay, on the one occasion he'd actually thought about it Sirius wondered about it.) But he had just assumed his fantasies were vague because no girl had taken his fancy.
Well, that was sort of right.
He'd put off doing this for nearly two weeks, ever since Alex's accusation. He was afraid- Sirius could admit that. He was afraid of exactly what would come into his mind. Ever since that night with Alex, the question of his sexuality kept coming back to haunt him at the most inappropriate times, and Sirius knew it was a question that had to be settled. And without knowing it, Remus and James had settled it for him tonight.
He tried to convince himself this was a one-time thought, that it meant nothing, but Sirius was a fundamentally honest person. It meant everything.
He is. Honest, I mean.
To be honest myself, I do think this was probably a pretty easy realization. Realistically, I think Sirius should have struggled with it much longer. And he sort of did- that's why he DOES hold off on having sex with Remus for so long, because he's weirded out by it. But it is still a pretty quick acknowledgement, given that all of Deny Thy Father is from Sirius's point of view and he never thought about it. (Deliberate. Not only did I not want to scare off gen readers at Immeritus, where DTF was first posted, but I firmly believed Sirius just had too much going on, so sex of any kind got pushed to the back burner.)
Queer. Gay. Homosexual. Faggot. Shirtlifter. Pansy. Pouf. Nancy-boy.
Yes. Check. Uh-huh. Yup. Um... yeah. Unfortunately. Affirmative. And that too.
"I'm gay," he announced to the ceiling.
The ceiling did not respond, but the affirmation spoken for the first time out loud echoed in his ears as if it had been shouted.
As much as he hated it a sense of peace flooded him as he listened to those two syllables ringing in his head. Those three treacherous words "Am I queer?" would stop popping up as he studied Charms or ate a sandwich or brushed his teeth. Of course, he thought sourly, they'd probably just stop popping into his head in that order. Now "Am" and "I" would be switching places and "I am queer" would be invading as he threw snowballs at James and dried the dishes and ate Christmas dinner. Great.
This comes from what someone told me about their own experiences coming out to themselves. And that's all I'm saying about that.
He thought about telling James, but that thought was dismissed quicker than a Snitch on a sugar high. Just yesterday James had told him a raunchy joke about a wizard, a broomstick, and Snape's hair. Sirius had laughed, but he had been offended. Yesterday he'd told himself it was because of Moony. James shouldn't talk about Remus that way, even if he didn't know that's what he was doing. But tonight he admitted James shouldn't talk about Sirius that way. Sirius had never appreciated just how hard it was for Remus to watch them do something he didn't approve of, and for a moment considered laying off Snape in a show of support.
James and homophobia: My James is homophobic because frankly, he has no reason NOT to be. He's never known anyone to this point that's gay, and he's only heard the jokes and all that. He doesn't really think about it- sort of an echo of Alphard's letter in Mentors concerning the Prank, really. Sirius never really thought about what it meant for Remus to be a werewolf, Remus never really thinks about what it is NOT to be a werewolf, and James never thinks about what it is to be gay. I think that's really something that most people can identify with- it can be hard to step outside our own perspective and look at someone else's life.
Also, please note the mention of Sirius harassing Snape. Thank you.
Nah. He'd think of something else instead. Something like- oh shit.
Remus. It had been Remus's voice in his head when he'd come. Remus was the only one who called him "Pads" as opposed to Padfoot. It had been Remus.
No. Not the thought that he needed now. Not when... I would fuck- not NOW!
But that was the question, wasn't it? He knew Remus would sleep with him. Would he sleep with Remus?
That was a terrifying thought. His mind scurried away from it and he pulled the covers up to his chin, trying to bring back some level of chastity.
"You've just figured out you're queer," Sirius muttered sternly to himself, wincing on the last word. "It's a little early to be plotting bed partners, isn't it? Go to sleep."
He tried to obey, but it was a long, sleepless night.
Oooh, Sirius has suddenly found the keys to his sexuality, and now he wants to try them out. There's definitely some impulse there- he knows Remus is gay. He knows Remus is willing. He knows Remus is attractive. Sex IS the logical conclusion. But he is scared, and although Sirius in canon is an impulsive man, I can't believe he acts on every single impulse he has immediately. That's just painting someone with too broad a brush- I mean, he'd never survive. How many of us look down from a really high place and have this weird impulse to jump?
On to Part 2
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Date: 2005-12-01 06:21 pm (UTC)BEST OF LUCK tomorrow, very exciting!
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Date: 2005-12-01 06:35 pm (UTC)WOW! Baby's coming tomorrow! Yay!!!!
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Date: 2005-12-01 06:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-01 06:51 pm (UTC)Say hi to Toby for all of us.
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Date: 2005-12-01 06:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-01 07:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 01:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 01:22 am (UTC)And yup- TOMORROW!!! =WHOOHOO! :)
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Date: 2005-12-02 01:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 04:17 am (UTC)