Ficlet: Book Club

[lls_mutant]

I was bored. I decided to mock fanfic cliches. Too bad I'm too late for the challenge, but oh well. Suggestions on where/if I should cross-post this?

Title: Book Club
Rating: Totally G, Sirius/Remus if you want to see it that way, Sirius and Remus if you don't.
Summary: Sirius and Remus discuss the merits of certain pieces of literature.
Real Summary: Lissa pokes fun at the concept of either of them reading The Lord of the Rings, especially since she thinks Tolkien is a very dry writer, even if he did spin a pretty good tale and lay the foundations for my favorite genre. Not happy with the ending, so if anyone has a suggestion for a punchline, lay it on me.




Sirius was stretched across the bed, arm flung over his face in a rather dramatic manner, and dozing restlessly when the bed dipped under someone's weight.

"What is this?" Remus asked, amusement in his voice.

"It's a book, Moony. I thought a professor would recognize one." Sirius cracked one eye open and tilted his chin down to see Remus wrinkle his nose.

"Books," he said dryly.

"What? You like to read. Just the other day you were telling me about that one book- the one with the Auror who was chasing down Dark Wizards in Brazil. Are you done with that yet, by the way?"

"No. And yes, I like to read, but too many teachers overestimate the importance of books," Remus complained. "It's so much easier to learn something through practical methods, and the knowledge sticks much longer because you've truly learned it, and not just memorized it."

Sirius chuckled. "I'll bet you and Hermione got along brilliantly when you taught her."

Remus grinned devilishly. "I'll have to tell you about her final exam sometime."

"Moony! Gossiping about a student?" Sirius sat up.

"Well, get me drunk first, and then ask me," Remus relented. "Then I can at least pretend it was an accident."

"I'll remember that."

Remus looked back down at the book. "Anyway, I know it's a book, idiot. I meant, what are you of all people doing reading Muggle books?"

"I like Muggle books," Sirius said, greatly offended.

"Yes, but the last one you read was called Mistress on Loan."

"So?"

"So, Tolkien never wrote for Regency Romances, you know."

"I know. I am smarter than you, remember."

Remus thwapped him upside the head with the book. "I'm not sure I want to be bothered with this conversation."

"Me either, if you're going to insinuate that I only read bodice-ripper novels." Sirius nudged him with his toe, and Remus rolled his eyes.

"Fine, but usually when you want intelligence in your literary endeavors, you stick with the Wizarding world."

"I was curious," Sirius admitted. "And bored."

"Oh. And?" Remus turned the book over, studying it.

"And what?" Sirius asked.

"How is it? I've never read The Lord of the Rings."

"Really? I would have thought you would have, with your Mum being a Muggle and everything."

"I tried," Remus admitted. "I couldn't get past the sixty page description of a hobo party."

"Hobbit," Sirius corrected automatically.

"Whatever. Regardless, I find Tolkien to be an incredibly dry writer. Kind of like Deanndra Dancy, and her interminable talk about Ministry workings."

"Yeah, I can see that. It doesn't bother me though," Sirius said. "It's okay."

"Okay?"

"Well," Sirius began, "I just find a lot of it implausible."

"The Lord of the Rings is what's known as fantasy, Padfoot."

"You're so lucky I'm too lazy to get up and get my wand. I know that, berk. But, well…" Sirius searched for an example. "Let's try an experiment. What do you think when I say 'elf'?"

"Little beings that run around doing housework that Hermione is desperately trying to free and mucking up spectacularly, despite her good intentions," Remus answered.

"Right. We know what elves are. But Tolkien… he describes them as tall and willowy with pointed ears."

"He got the pointed ears right."

"Yeah, but the speech. I mean, can you imagine Kreacher saying," Sirius took the book and flipped through it, "'For all those who come to know him love him after their own fashion, even the cold maiden of the Rohirrim. It was at early morn of the day ere you came there, Merry-'"

"Stop!" Remus laughed. "All right, I see your point. Although it does read a bit like the Bible, doesn't it?"

"And I would know, because the Bible was required reading in the House of Black," Sirius drawled.

"As was The Lord of the Rings," Remus shot back.

"Shut up. So that's one thing. There's also the magic."

Remus perked up. "I've heard there's a Wizard in it. What's his specialty?"

"Walking around spouting wisdom."

"Oh, so he's Dumbledore, then?"

Sirius snorted. "Tolkien got the part about needing to focus magical energy right. But Gandalf uses a staff, not a wand."

Remus waggled his eyebrows. "And you know what they say about the size of a wizard's wand."

Sirius stared at him. "You are not lusting after Gandalf," he informed Remus. "As you so aptly pointed out, it would be like lusting after Dumbledore."

Remus shuddered. "Anyway," he said, after a long pause. "Magic."

"Right. Magic. No incantations. No Unforgivables. The spells are like nothing I've ever seen. I mean…" he flipped through the volume again. "There's this one spot here, where Helm's Deep is under siege, right? And Gandalf comes charging in, white light streaming. Now, he's obviously used some sort of Divination to even know when he's going to show up, but what sort of magic generates a light and drives enemies away? Nothing I'm familiar with, or you could bet I'd have used it. Or here, back here, where Gandalf and Sauraman are dueling-"

"Padfoot, you do realize that Tolkien was a Muggle, and most Muggles don't know magic really exists?" Remus flopped down on the bed, propping himself up on his elbows. "Cut the man some slack."

"But it's bloody terrible! I mean, I just can't help reading it and thinking 'if that had happened to me, I would have just stopped the buggers with an Impedimenta Jinx or I would have Transfigured the Shelob into-"

"Frodo isn't a Wizard," Remus reminded Sirius.

"Oh. Right. But still. It's distracting."

"Then don't read it," Remus suggested.

Sirius made a face and studied the book. "But I have to know how it ends," he sighed. He reached for the book and flipped to the end. "I only have- wait a minute!" He turned the pages. "How much of this book is an Appendix anyway?" He sighed. "Two more chapters, Moony. Then I'll be done."

"Well then, I'll leave you to it." Remus stood up, but Sirius was already bent over the book, reading feverishly.

Comments

[shaggydogstail.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, I think that's probably a fairly accurate picture. Ironically, it's basically the same for most British Muggles! I can see the Blacks having a certain amount of involvement in the Church for reasons of social standing, rather than true belief, and that Sirius and Regulus would have had some form of rudimentary religious instruction simply because that's what you do. I don't see them as being particularly devout.