DVD Commentary- DTF Part 6

[lls_mutant]

This is it. This is THE chapter- the one everything's been building up to. I'm actually pretty fond of this chapter in my head, but it's a draining chapter to both read and write. But I think it would be a draining time. I'm sure I'll have much to say about this one (when don't I?), so onward!

The newspaper on the table was full of headlines that Sirius didn’t want to see. Lord Voldemort was gaining power. Mysterious disappearances and Muggle deaths were increasing. Restrictions were tightening on giants, vampires, goblins and werewolves as the blame for the deaths and disappearances was placed on them. They weren’t linked in the paper, except in a column on page twelve by Timothy Potter.

Arden had been irate, ranting about libel and slander and conspiracy theories. Timothy Potter had finally cracked, and he for one had seen it coming.

I suck at politics. There's a reason I don't write more Ministry fic.

Sirius did his best to ignore it, but it was impossible and he found his temper flaring more frequently. The results were never good, and the Potter house became a welcome refuge.

“You could just stay here for the rest of the summer,” James suggested. “My parents would have you.”

“I can’t,” Sirius sighed. “Not yet.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t give up that easily. That’s not what family’s supposed to be.”

Because Sirius does not give up easily. EVER.

“And the way your parents treat you isn’t what family is supposed to be, either.”

Sirius had no answer to that, but he returned home the next day anyway.

He spent a tense weekend at the Lupins’, having forgotten it was the full moon in his haste to leave his own home. Remus was quiet and withdrawn, beyond what Sirius had seen in years. Sirius spent the evening and the night in the garage with Damien, working on an engine. In between tutorials on engine blocks and combustion cycles, Damien explained that Remus had been to the Ministry yesterday, and there was a new official at the Registry Office that made Sirius’s parents look open-minded. Damien’s mouth was thin and tight as he explained this, and Sirius could only imagine what had been said.

Sirius forgetting is, needless to say, totally in character. I'm a firm believer that a lot of Sirius's thoughtlessness towards Remus (the Prank, the studying thing, the full moon thing, whatever) is a result of Sirius simply not thinking, not him being mean. Sirius is fully capable of being mean, naturally, and I'm sure there were times he was mean to Remus on purpose. But he's also fully capable of being utterly thoughtless, because he's so focused on something else.

Marilyn brought sandwiches out to them shortly before moonrise and sat on an overturned bucket making a pretense at marking papers. There was an atmosphere of helpless waiting hanging over the garage, but none of them spoke of it, even as it bound them together. Sirius would have liked to have asked questions about what this was like for Remus’s parents, but for once he remained silent.

He sat with Remus the next day after Damien had healed the wolf-inflicted wounds; Remus never allowed them to see the full extent of the damage. His friend lay in bed with his eyes closed, not saying anything. Sirius longed to transform into the dog Remus found it possible to talk to, but Remus simply held his hand and said nothing. It never occurred to Sirius that Remus was waiting for him to speak.

This is all related to the arrival of Macnair at the Ministry.

He went home with heavy trepidation, not knowing what to expect. It wasn’t his father- Arden would either ignore him or be furious, and while the first was preferable, Sirius was now used to the latter. It was his mother that was unpredictable, swinging between loving gentleness and frigid anger.

“Not in public!” Those words still cut through Sirius’s heart, although it was hard to admit just how much. But he heard them at odd moments, creeping up on him when he least expected it, breaking the wounds open anew.

When had it changed? He remembered his mother before Hogwarts. Maybe she wasn’t always as demonstrative with him as she was with Regulus, but there had been small touches and kisses and kind words. She’d been proud of him, consistently. Back before Hogwarts. Back before… back before Remus.

He hated to think it, and every time the thought entered his mind he slammed the door. But the truth was his parents had approved of James and of Peter. Remus represented Sirius’s first open act of defiance; the first schism with his family, the first thing that made him truly question his father and begin to open his eyes.

This really makes me wonder if Sirius had some unacknowledged motives about the Prank in my universe.

He missed the way it used to be, and yet he couldn’t go back. What had begun about Remus had blossomed. There were other half-bloods and Muggleborns at Hogwarts that Sirius knew and liked, even if he was not as close to them as his other friends. And with the rising darkness in the land, Sirius couldn’t pretend he felt differently.

Because that's true, too, especially given that one of Sirius's best friends by 1981 is Lily.

***

“There’s been an owl from Hogwarts,” his mother said.

Sirius, who had been lounging in across the plush arms of a chair, sat upright. “What did it say?”

“O.W.L. results,” his mother said, waving the parchment between her fingers.

“Can I see them?”

Her lips twitched in a grin. “I’m very disappointed in you, Sirius.”

“What?!”

“An E in Charms?” She tutted and shook her head. “Honestly. When you received an O in everything else….”

He snatched the paper from her and studied it eagerly, and then let out a loud whoop. He wasn’t surprised- magic and classes came easily to him. But to see it in writing like that was heady indeed.

“I hope you’ll continue your Transfiguration,” his mother said wistfully.

“I plan to.”

“Maybe you’ll even become an Animagus.”

“Who knows?” It was all he could do to keep from changing into a dog right then and there.

She smiled at him, ruffling his hair affectionately and Sirius wished the moment would last forever.

Sniffle. Even though Sirius and his mother are having difficulties, Sirius has just done something that reflects VERY well on the House of Black. It would be a very easy time for them to relate to each other and for her to show affection. And Sirius does want someone to be proud of him and does want things to go back to "normal", so he's eager to do the same.

***

His father had little to say when his mother informed him Sirius’s O.W.L. results had come. There was a grunt and a few muttered words of approval and that was the end of it. Still, Sirius remained undeterred. Eleven O.W.L.s was exceptional and he knew it, and so did his mother.

She didn’t press the issue though, he noticed. She didn’t insist Arden should be proud or tell Regulus he should do as well or even order a special dessert with dinner to celebrate. Even if Sirius wouldn’t admit it, it hurt.

It hurt when he received an excited letter from James, telling him he’d gotten twelve O.W.L.s and his parents were buying him a new broomstick. It hurt when he heard from Remus, who’d matched his eleven, and he mentioned his parents had taken him out to dinner at a fancy Muggle restaurant to celebrate. Even Peter, who’d only managed six, had had a night off from his summer job for a celebration. He said it was the first night since his father’s death his mother had been truly happy.

It seemed like O.W.L.s were important everywhere but in the Black household.

And here we see reflected that his mother is proud because of how it reflects on her more than anything else.

I do wonder exactly how many O.W.L.s Peter got. I'm still a little unclear on the grading system, but McG got frustrated with Peter often (which I've had to conclude was laziness more than anything), and that tells me Peter wasn't brilliant in school. Thing is, the way I've always seen the marauders is that Sirius and James were exceptionally brilliant. They probably had IQs above genius level, maybe 160-170. While I don't think Remus was as smart as them, I don't think he wasn't smart, either. Sirius refers to Remus as another "big" person in the Shack scene, someone Peter would admire. I generally think of Remus as pretty much on my own level. He's a smart person, he could get any degree he wanted, but he's not a genius. I give Remus an IQ of maybe 140. Then Peter is still quite bright, but would have to work to accomplish what he wanted. I generally give him an IQ of 120-130. Still highish, but closer to normal. However, if you want to rate common sense, the trend goes the opposite way.

***

He was surprised to get a package a week later. It was a penknife, with a note from his great uncle Alphard congratulating him on his O.W.L. results and an invitation to meet up in Hogsmeade when school resumed.

It's a magical penknife, naturally.

“Did you tell him?” he asked his mother.

“Of course not.” She was brisk, flipping through a potions book.

“Did Father?”

“I doubt it. Your father hasn’t had much to say to Alphard these days.”

I very clearly assumed that Alphard was Arden's brother. I'm really not sure why. It's interesting that I did, since my dad was an only child and my uncles were on my mother's side.

He shrugged it off, but was mildly surprised when he received a package and a note from Andromeda and Ted as well, although Andromeda did mention that Alphard had told her. He was glad to hear they were still speaking, despite Alphard’s disapproval of her marriage. Andromeda had sent a box of chocolate frogs, a welcome gift for his return to Hogwarts. Or it would have been, if his mother hadn’t thrown them out when she discovered who they were from.

I don't know that Sirius's mother is changing so much as Sirius is seeing (and bringing out) her true nature more and more.

***

This is one of my all-time favorite scenes that I've ever written. There's nothing revolutionary about it, it was just fun to write and it came out exactly how I wanted. If I ever remixed Crawling in the Dark, this would be something I would mention, because this conversation is a very treasured memory for Regulus (until it went bad). Regulus did love Sirius very much, but my Sirius just didn't really tolerate his presence. In a typical older brother fashion, but still. It's off-putting.

“What are you doing?”

“What’s it look like? Go away.” Sirius was stretched out on his bed, chewing on his quill.

As usual, Regulus ignored him and came over to look. “’Dear Remus,’” he read aloud. “You’re writing to the Mudblood?”

“No, I’m writing to Binns’s pet frog.”

“Binns has a frog named Remus?”

Sirius looked up and fixed his younger brother with a withering glare. “You’re such an idiot.”

Regulus was stung into silence, but not for long. “Everyone in Slytherin knows about him,” he said.

“That he’s a half-blood? It’s not exactly a secret.”

“Not that. The other thing.”

Sirius froze. “What other thing?”

“He’s a shirt lifter.”

He let out his trapped breath in a relieved exhalation. “No he’s not.”

“He is too. Everybody says it.”

“You hang out with six people. That’s not everybody.”

I admit it, I modified this from The Wedding Singer, when the kids say "Everybody's saying it" and Adam Sandler responds with something like "Who's everybody? You're six. The only people you know are your parents!" But it ended up quite different (and "Everybody says it" is a total kid line) so I didn't feel too guilty.

“Well, all the Slytherins say it. They say you and James are shagging, too.”

This was so absurd that Sirius burst out laughing, turning over onto his back. “So what’s Peter doing during this Gryffindor orgy? Snapping pictures?”

To his surprise, Regulus started laughing too. They both laughed, unable to stop until Regulus had to sit down next on Sirius’s bed before his legs gave out.

“Can I ask you a question?” Regulus said as the laughter died away.

“Sure. Why not?”

Regulus lay down beside him. “How do you get a girl to like you?”

“Huh? I thought I was shagging James.”

“Come on. For real.”

Because Regulus totally doesn't believe his brother is gay. I think the only reason he believes it about Remus (and at this point it's a half-believe) is because Remus is a half-blood, and with Regulus's mindset….

“Why would I know?”

“All the girls like you,” Regulus pointed out.

“Yeah. I know.”

“So? How do you do it?”

Sirius shrugged. “Don’t know.”

“You must have a lot of girlfriends,” Regulus sighed enviously.

Sirius shook his head. “Nope. Never had a girlfriend.”

“Why not?”

“All the girls might like me, but…” he shrugged a shoulder casually, “I don’t like any of them.”

This line is TOTALLY stolen from the guy (the very hot guy, who looked like Robert Sean Leonard in Dead Poets Society) that sat behind me and my best friend in AP Physics my junior year. I so remember him telling us this. Heh.

“Are you a poofter?” Regulus asked.

“Nah. I’ve just had better things to do.”

Regulus snorted. “Like what?”

“Hanging out with Remus, Peter, and James. Hexing Snape. Seeing how long it will take us to drive McGonagall to St. Mungo’s. Sneaking out with James to go to the Three Broomsticks. Getting eleven O.W.L.s. Mastering advanced and terribly dangerous magic. I’ve got too much on my mind for girls.”

“Wow. But… what about, y’know, sex?”

“Guess it would be nice,” Sirius agreed. “But just if it was sex. Problem is girls then want you to pay attention to them and talk about feelings and relationships and stop hanging out with your friends so you can be with them. Can’t be bothered with all that.”

“And James doesn’t make you do any of that?” Regulus teased. Sirius swatted him.

Sirius honestly has no clue he's gay in my universe here- he's telling the truth. He's got so much on his mind right now that, aside from smutty jokes, he really just can't be bothered with sex. I'm one of those people who can completely believe that Sirius was too busy for a girlfriend. I think most of the marauders were.

There's another thing at work here, too. There's a huge stereotype that teenaged guys are desperate for sex and will have it as soon as the opportunity presents itself. I don't believe that. I think guys are more sexually aware and more prone to early sex, yes, but I refuse to paint the entire gender with one brush. Give guys some credit, girls- they are motivated by more than just their sex drives.

“Very funny. Actually, he has a crush on Lily Evans.”

“The redhead prefect? She’s hot.”

“She’s okay, I guess.”

“Does she like him?”

Sirius laughed. “Nope. Thinks he’s a conceited git.”

“She’s right.”

This one little sentence is actually meant to speak volumes. Because this is entirely Sirius's perspective, and so focused on the marauders and Sirius's family and Sirius's inner thoughts and feelings, we see very little of the public side of the marauders. Part of it is that I suck at writing bullying and pranks, but part of it is genuinely this is supposed to focus on Sirius's issues with his family. But more than that, I believe that Sirius didn't know how cruel he was because he simply didn't think about it. The adult Sirius, while he maintains a streak of cruelty to people like Kreacher and Snape, is empathetic and more mature than what he was at 15. He grew out of a lot of it- that much is clear when he discusses SWM with Harry. He now realizes he was a jerk… which implies he didn't realize it before. Regulus, however, as an outsider, did. And I like the idea that Regulus was actually ashamed of Sirius, to an extent. Of course, as we've seen, my Regulus was pretty nasty to people he didn't like as well. Family trait :)

Sirius shrugged.

“What about Peter?” Regulus pressed. “Does he have a girlfriend?”

Sirius snorted with laughter. “No.”

“And does Remus have a boyfriend?”

“Remus isn’t a poof.”

“Yes he is.”

“No he’s not!”

Here, I think Regulus is more trying to annoy Sirius than actually argue any point.

“Why do you defend him like that?”

“He’s my friend!”

“He’s the reason Father doesn’t talk to you anymore.”

“Shut up!”

“But Sirius, he’s a filthy Mudblood. No- listen to me. You know Mother and Father hate him. If you just dropped him like they want you to, everything would go back to normal!”

“And what was normal when we were kids, Regulus?” Sirius got off the bed and began pacing. “Being locked inside all day? Never having any friends because no one was good enough for us? Being whipped for playing with Muggles?”

“I was never whipped.”

“I was!”

“Liar. Father would never do that!”

“You’ve seen him hit me!”

“Yeah, when you get in trouble! You know you’re not supposed to go outside. You know you’re not supposed to talk to Mudbloods. You know you’re not supposed to argue with Father, and you do it all anyway!”

“Because it’s not right! It’s not normal! And I’m not dropping one of my best friends just because Father thinks he’s not good enough! It’s not fair!”

“But you can’t trust people like that!”

“I can’t trust Father, either!”

“What’s the big deal about Remus?”

“It’s not about Remus! It’s about Father! Remus is one of my best friends and he’s not anything Father ever said he was and Father won’t see that! And Ted- Ted makes Andromeda happy and is the best thing that ever happened to her and he won’t see that, either! He thinks these people are evil and beneath us because they aren’t purebloods and Blacks, and it’s just stupid! It’s narrow-minded and cruel, and I won’t do it!”

One of my personal pet peeves about R/S fic cliches are the fics where Sirius really runs away because his parents won't accept Remus (or worse, his relationship with Remus). I hate it because it undermines Sirius as a character. One of the things I love about Sirius was he was able to see that his family was wrong. I do think that Remus was a vehicle to Sirius's new view, but I also believe that that view encompassed more than just his friends. Sirius might have that cruel streak, but it very, very obviously does not extend to Muggleborns, as evidenced by his treatment of Hermione.

“You’re an idiot, Sirius.”

“I don’t care!"

"You are going to regret it. One day he’s going to turn against you, just like Father says, and you’re going to wish you listened to us.”

“Get out.”

“And when that happens, you won’t have anywhere to turn, because Mother and Father will just say they told you not to be friends with a worthless Mudblood poof.”

“GET OUT!”

With an annoyingly superior look at his brother, Regulus left.

Sirius stalked about the room, wanting in the worst way to punch something and finally settling on his pillow. It was far less satisfying than he’d hoped.

The letter to Remus was still on his bed, unfinished. Sirius shoved it away. He’d finish it another time, when he wasn’t so angry.

***

“You didn’t write,” Remus said on the train.

“Huh?” Sirius pulled his attention back from the window.

“For the past three weeks, after you were at our house. Was everything all right?”

Peter and James were both watching now. Sirius flushed under their questioning gaze. “Yeah. Everything was fine.”

“You sounded all right when you wrote to me,” Peter said. “Maybe the owl just got lost? Or your parents intercepted it?”

“Yeah. Maybe that’s it. I wouldn’t put it past your parents, Sirius,” James said, liking the theory. “My letters got to me, but they’ve never liked Remus.”

Sirius had to look away from the hurt expression on Remus’s face. Remus knew he hadn’t written at all.

***

“Did you see the look on his face?” Sirius was doubled over laughing.

James was clutching his stomach with one hand and wiping tears from his eyes with the other. “He’s going to kill us next time,” he gasped out. “Absolutely kill us.”

“It was brilliant,” Peter confirmed.

There was nothing but stony silence from the fourth member of their group.

Look! We're harassing Snape! I write it so rarely, I feel obligated to point it out.

“Uh-oh. Mr. High-and-Mighty-Prefect Moony is upset with us,” Sirius sighed.

“C’mon, Moony. It was only a joke,” James said when Remus didn’t rise to the bait. Remus simply opened the door to the Great Hall and walked in. Sirius scowled with annoyance.

“What’s your problem?” he asked as he thumped into his regular seat across from Remus and next to James.

“I haven’t said a word,” Remus said, serenely ladling lamb stew into his bowl.

“Then what’s with the guilt trip?”

“I didn’t say anything!”

This seems like a Remus way to do it, to me. King of guilt trips- and it's canon. Don't tell me you wouldn't have felt incredibly guilty in Harry's shoes during that map bit in PoA.

“Then why are you sulking about Snape?” James demanded.

“I’m not sulking. You played a joke. I didn’t think it was funny.” Remus pulled an Arithmancy book from his bag and opened it.

“Well what makes you so much better than the rest of us that you don’t find it funny?” Sirius snapped.

“I remember what it was like not to have friends.” Remus tore a piece of bread in half and dunked it in his stew, eyes on his book.

Sirius, James, and Peter exchanged glances. “Maybe we did go a bit far,” James finally admitted. Peter, flushing bright red, nodded.

“We’ll behave, Mr. Prefect,” he promised.

“Or at least take it down a notch,” Sirius suggested.

Since when did Sirius become Emeril?

Remus smiled at them, and Sirius was relieved. That was the great thing about Remus: he never stayed mad for long.

Okay, yeah, so that's heavy foreshadowing to the fact I don't think the Prank (God, I hate that capitalization!) was as huge a deal between Sirius and Remus as everyone says.

***

It was also the frustrating thing, Sirius decided. Remus didn’t get truly mad even now when he had every right to. They rounded the corner, flattening themselves against a wall and panting for breath.

“I think we lost them,” Remus gasped.

“You’d think Snape would be a little better behaved towards you,” Sirius growled. “You’re the only one that stands up for that slimy git!”

“Not that he knows it,” Remus said dryly.

“Whatever. He should not have been dangling you like that in front of the Slytherins!” Remus only shrugged, which annoyed Sirius even more deeply. “Remus, he called you the Gryffindor whore! He told them all to come get a piece!”

Look, I'm really uncreative with insults, okay?

Remus finally cringed, and Sirius could see he’d been hurt. But all he said was, “Look. Let’s just get back to the Tower. It’s a full moon tonight.”

“Remus, we can’t just let this go!”

“We can for tonight.”

“Remus. Remus!”

But Remus was walking away.

***

“Well, hello, Black. Where’s your little whore?”

Seriously- this part is making me cringe. I really wish I'd come up with a better insult. However, the thing I wanted to show was that Sirius didn't have some noble reason for doing what he did. Snape annoyed him, Sirius (without thinking things through) sent him to the Shack. It was supposed to be childish, and I accomplished that, but it also should have been… I don't know. Like I said, I suck at insults.

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Snivellus?”

“Yes, I would. He disappears every month, doesn’t he? Just when you need him.”

“Shut up.”

“Witty retort, Black.”

“Want to know where he goes?”

“Excuse me?”

“Talk about wit. Want to know where he goes?”

“Why should I listen to you?”

“No one said you have to. But if you want to find out, wait until it’s dark and then poke the big knot under the Whomping Willow. It takes you into a tunnel. He’ll be at the end.”

Incidentally, ever since reading nyxfixx's Feat In Azkaban, I've thought I didn't do half as good a job on this scene as should be done. nyxfixx totally kicked my ass on that one! :)

“You’re lying.”

“Maybe. You’ll just have to find out, won’t you?”

As he walked away one sentence rang through his mind… That will show them.

I'm trying to be subtle about it, but it's there. Sirius sort of- deep down- knew that this would affect Remus. He's on edge with Remus because Regulus is RIGHT. As mentioned, Remus was the catalyst for everything that's happened. Sirius resents that, because he doesn't want to lose his family, but he loves (platonically at this point) Remus, and he can't face that resentment.

***

They sat outside, huddled in their cloaks and waiting for the right time. Sirius wanted to relax, but he couldn’t. Why had he told Snape where Remus was? It wasn’t so much that he was worried about Snivellus, but Remus would kill him if he mentioned the transformation.

“You all right, Padfoot?” James asked, breaking into Sirius’s thoughts as if he’d been reading them.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask, what’s going on with you and Moony these days?”

Sirius groaned. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve been biting each other’s heads off since the summer,” James said.

Peter nodded. “It’s been a long two months.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sirius muttered. It was partly true. He was aware he was angry with Remus for no good reason, even if he didn’t name it to himself. But he hadn’t realized that Remus was being just as short with him as he was with Remus. “Nothing’s wrong.”

So much for subtle. :P

“Are your-“ Peter began, but James held up a hand to silence him.

“What’s that?” he whispered.

Sirius followed the line of James’s sight and his insides lurched, both in excitement and fear. Snape was really going to do it. He was really-

“Shit!” James swore. “He’s going into the tunnel! If he gets to the end-“ James transformed into the stag before he could finish the sentence and sprinted to the willow. Sirius and Peter ran after him, neither slipping into their Animagus forms. By the time they were halfway to the tree James was human again and was slithering into the passage.

Sirius and Peter had just entered the passage themselves when they heard the growls of the werewolf. The door had been opened.

“NO!” The frantic cry was from James. Sirius could imagine him grabbing Snape and pulling him back. The door slammed shut and then the keening howls began as the werewolf realized it had lost its prey.

“Oh no,” Peter whispered, white and trembling. “He’s really going to tear himself up tonight….”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Wormtail. We’ll be with him. Man, can you imagine the look on Snape’s face? Want to wager if he pissed himself?” Sirius was chuckling.

And right there was the extent of Sirius's thought about what he did.

Peter didn’t answer. He was moving down the tunnel, walking like someone who had been hypnotized. Sirius huffed impatiently and then followed.

The howls were growing louder, chilling in their intensity. Then the deep growls started, and Sirius began to worry. Those were the growls that usually preceded the wolf attacking itself. Maybe Peter was right. He was about to say they should hurry when James and Snape rounded the corner, nearly smacking into them.

Snape’s normally sallow skin was pure white right down to his lips, and he was shaking so hard Sirius was sure he’d fall over if only James would stop supporting him.

“So, Snivellus,” he said in a friendly, conversational tone. “Learn a little lesson about minding your own business tonight?”

“You!” Snape hissed. “This is your fault!”

James and Peter both snapped around to look at him. Sirius grinned at them, waiting for them to see the joke. When neither of them spoke, he shrugged and said, “I told you you didn’t have to believe me.”

“You almost killed me!”

“Technically, no. You-“

“That was a werewolf, you idiot! You said that…” and suddenly, visibly, the pieces fell into place in Snape’s head. “That was Lupin,” he said, his voice filled with disgust. “Remus Lupin is a werewolf. That’s what he’s been hiding.”

It began to dawn on Sirius that this had not been the best idea.

The actual sending wasn't great, but I do really like this part.

“That wasn’t Remus,” James said, shoving Snape further up the passage. “Keep your mouth shut.”

“It was Lupin.” The color was returning to Snape’s face along with a crafty sneer. “So that’s why he disappears every month. I never noticed it was always the full moon, but-“

“Gentlemen.”

They all spun to see Albus Dumbledore, slightly hunched over in the low tunnel. “May I see you all in my office? Immediately?” The words were polite, but the tone was pure steel.

Because Dumbledore knows EVERYTHING. Sort of.

Sirius tried to meet Peter’s eye, but Peter looked away. Only then did he look at James. Some part of him had been expecting it, but his heart sank all the same, in sadness and in shock. James was furious.

As they left the tunnel, a distant howl of pain rent the air.

***

Oh God, writing Dumbledore. I HATE writing Dumbledore. I had to write him for either Crawling in the Dark or Let the Water Hold You Down (I forget which I did it for), but either one my beta re-wrote most of DD's lines so they sounded more like him.

Sirius was no stranger to Professor Dumbledore’s office, to the point where he had a chair he thought of as his. The others settled around, Peter opting to stand near the fireplace, arms crossed and eyes fixed on one of the portraits.

“Firstly, I must inquire if you are all right, Mr. Snape?”

“Yes, sir.” Snape seemed much more subdued in the presence of the Headmaster, the sly smile wiped from his face. Sirius was glad to see it go.

“Mr. Potter?”

“I’m fine,” James confirmed.

“Mr. Pettigrew?”

“Sirius and I were halfway back the tunnel,” Peter snapped. “We’re both fine. It’s Remus that won’t be.”

One thing I do hate is when people write Peter as evil from age 11. I think that Peter must have cared very greatly about his friends- it makes what he did all the more tragic, in that he saved his own skin over them.

Dumbledore nodded sadly. “An unfortunate fact that we can do nothing about tonight,” he said softly. “Now. Mr. Pettigrew. Kindly tell me what happened this evening.”

That's right, Peter. Rat everyone out! Although in this case, it's very well merited.

Peter gulped and glanced over at James, who nodded. “We- James, Sirius and I- were sitting outside.”

“Why?”

“We… we’ve known since second year about Remus,” Peter said, his voice faltering. “And-“

“Wait. You’ve known there’s a werewolf at this school and you never did anything about it?” Snape demanded, glaring at Dumbledore.

Snape is hard for me to write as well. Part of the reason I don't. Heh. Notice how I managed to pretty much leave him out of Let the Water Hold You Down? :P

“Mr. Snape, I realize that you are rightfully upset, but please allow Mr. Pettigrew to speak.” Dumbledore’s words allowed no argument. “Mr. Pettigrew?”

Well, we saw someone approaching the tree. James realized it first, and he figured out what they were going to do. He ran over to stop him. Sirius and I followed, but we weren’t as fast. James got into the tunnel and pulled Snape away just as he opened the door- at least, that’s what it sounded like.”

“I see.” Dumbledore leaned back, contemplating the four of them. “Is that the way of it, Mr. Snape?”

“Potter pulled me back and slammed the door, yes,” Snape said, his eyes flashing with anger.

“And you saw the werewolf.”

“It nearly killed me!”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic!” Sirius said. “Remus wouldn’t have killed you!”

And here's what I think about Sirius's thoughts about Remus as a werewolf.

“On the contrary, Mr. Black,” Dumbledore said coldly, “Remus is not himself during these transformations. He would have killed Mr. Snape while he is transformed, there is absolutely no question about that. And when discovered, the Werewolf Capture Unit would have seen to it that he was disposed of as well.”

The blood drained suddenly from Sirius’s face and a loud ringing began in his ears. “Disposed of? That means Remus would have been…”

“Killed,” Dumbledore clarified softly.

Okay, so this does seem like it's relatively out of canon, but this was pre-HBP. I don't think it's completely unbelievable.

Oh no.

“Mr. Snape.” Dumbledore sounded very far away as Sirius sat frozen in his chair. “Why were you in the tunnel below the Whomping Willow to begin with?”

“Sirius Black told me to go there if I wanted to know where Lupin was. They set it up, the four of them.”

Both Peter and James had jerked forward. “What?” “Sir, we knew nothing-“

“They didn’t know, sir,” Sirius said hollowly. “Peter and James had nothing to do with it.”

“Did Remus?”

“No sir.”

“Liar. I know why you did it and-“ Snape cut himself off.

“Please continue, Mr. Snape,” Dumbledore said mildly.

When Snape didn’t speak, Sirius spoke again in the same hollow, dead tone. “He called Remus a fag and a whore. He had him dangled and was telling the Slytherins to come get a piece until I hexed him and he stopped.”

“I see.” Sirius thought that the Headmaster suddenly looked very old. Peter was gaping at Sirius, and James was looked at Snape in disgust.

Yeah. Dumbledore looks old and tired because that's utterly lame. And James is disgusted at my lack of creativity.

“Mr. Pettigrew,” Dumbledore finally said, shocking Peter back into attention. “You may return to Gryffindor Tower. You will tell no one about this.” Peter nodded. “After daybreak, I suspect you will want to visit the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey will let you know how Remus is then.”

“Yes sir.” With ill-disguised relief, Peter opened the door and slipped out.

“Mr. Black. Through that door is a waiting room, especially for times like these. Please remain there until I am ready for you.”

“Yes sir.” Without looking at James, Sirius opened the door.

Have you ever looked at a piece of art or read a piece of fic (or written a piece of fic) where you thought "You know, even JKR must think this could be canon?" I generally feel that way when I look at a lot of buttfacemakini's art, and some of the better details-writers, like shaggydogstail's magical music. This is my contribution to "should be canon", because I would really, really, really not put it past Dumbledore to have a room like this. This room is the best I've ever written Dumbledore.

It was a small room with no furniture whatsoever. As Sirius shut the door behind him, a bright, harsh light lit the room, bouncing and refracting off shards of mirrors.

Everywhere he turned his own reflection stared back at him. From the four walls, the back of the door, the ceiling, the floor. He laughed bitterly. How like Dumbledore.

The mirrors reflected back a tall sixteen year old boy with black hair, grey eyes, and a sculpted face, wearing Hogwarts robes. He saw himself reflected from every angle, miniature Siriuses that blinked back at him.

One caught his eye, and he drew closer to examine it. It was him, and yet it wasn’t. Not now. It was a confused, uncertain eleven year old boy with a bright red face… right after he’d called his new roommate a Mudblood.

He pulled back, thinking to close his eyes, but other reflections drew him. Always that same black haired boy, but always filled with hate, shame, guilt, fear, anger, weakness, pettiness, suspicion, greed….

Dark.

“That’s not all there is,” he whispered, willing the mirrors to show him something else. But the mirrors did not change.

He slumped down until he was sitting on the floor, cradling his forehead in his hands. A reflection of himself stared back up- the look on his face when he’d told Snape where to find Remus.

That will show them….

He stared at it, hating himself.

Dumbledore's version of Azkaban. Sheesh.

He’d lost all track of time and was curled into a ball when the door finally opened. Soft light flooded in, dimming the mirrors around him.

“I am impressed, Mr. Black. Most students are begging me to open the door within minutes. You lasted twelve hours.”

Sirius looked up at the Headmaster with red-rimmed eyes. “Remus?” he croaked.

“He survived the night. Come out, Sirius. I must speak with you.” Dumbledore extended his hand, helping Sirius to stand.

He let Sirius attend to some basic needs, and then teacher seated student gently, and then returned to his own desk. “Now,” he said, neutrally, “tell me why you did this.”

And Sirius told him. Told him he’d been angry at Snape, calling Remus the names he had and humiliating him, when Remus was the only one of them that would draw a line. Told him how he’d thought the joke would go- that Snape would see the wolf, but Remus would never attack and all that would happen was Snape running out of the tunnel, screaming. Told him he’d never considered the possibility Snape could die, or that if he did, the responsibility and guilt would rest with Remus.

“And what will your parents say?” Dumbledore asked once the flow of words had ended.

“They’ll be furious I got in trouble, but they’ll be glad, because Remus will never speak to me again.”

“They don’t like Remus.” It was a statement, not a question. “Because he’s a werewolf?”

“No. They don’t know that. My father would probably peel the skin from my back if he knew I was friends with a werewolf. Because he’s a half-blood. They call him a Mudblood, they say I can’t trust him and he’ll… I don’t know what they think but since we’ve been friends nothing’s been the same!”

“Do you think that?”

“NO! He’s one of my best friends!”

Dumbledore sighed heavily. “One of these days, Sirius, you will need to make the choice between what is easy and what is right.”

“Neither of them is easy! Or right! Don’t you see? It’s not easy to walk away from Remus! I love him- he’s my friend! And it’s not right either! He’s done nothing wrong- I know that! But it’s not easy or right to walk away from my family! That’s not what family is! Family doesn’t give up like that! We don’t give up each other! Family comes first and sticks together and defends each other and it’s unbreakable! You love them no matter what! That’s family!”

“Then ask yourself, Sirius, who fits that definition?”

“SHUT UP!” Red roared across his field of vision as Dumbledore laid his finger on a raw and gaping wound. “Shut up! They love me! Somewhere deep down they do. I do. I love them. Can’t you see that? I. LOVE. THEM!”

Dumbledore said nothing, and Sirius was only vaguely aware that there were tears coursing down his cheeks.

“I’ve known they would hate Remus from the first time I met him. He never hid that he was a half-blood. But he was my roommate and eventually my friend and now I’d die for him, just like I would for James or Peter. I really didn’t know what I was doing to him. Please, sir, believe me.”

Can I hug Sirius? Please? Damn it, when I let Sirius get into ranting mode, I get GOOD. Erm, sorry for the blatant egoism. (But my other favorite thing I've ever written is that speech to James in Wandwavers, which is another Sirius rant.

“I believe you,” Dumbledore said softly. “And what’s more, I believe he doesn’t know what he’s doing to you.”

“Don’t tell him. Please.”

“I have no intention of doing so. I am somewhat concerned that you do not seem to have the same regard for the life of Mr. Snape, however.”

“I won’t lie. I don’t like him. I never will. But I didn’t mean for him to die.”

Dumbledore’s blue eyes fixed on him in a long, probing stare. “No. I believe that too.” He sighed and stood up, walking over to stroke Fawkes. “I will be writing your parents, of course, although I shall not do so until the holiday. I do not want to take the risk of a Howler being sent here and exposing Mr. Lupin. There will be two month’s detention, and two hundred House points from Gryffindor.”

“That’s it, sir?” Sirius asked after it appeared Dumbledore had finished speaking. “I’m not expelled?”

“No. I’m willing to give you a second chance, Sirius.” He fixed Sirius with another long stare. “I can only hope others are willing to do so as well.” With those words, Sirius knew that Dumbledore was quite aware that the worst punishment was not something he could deliver. “And if they are, remember your definition of family.” With that, he waved Sirius from the office.

***

It was mid-morning. The halls were silent; students were in classes. Sirius slipped through them quickly, making his way to the Hospital Wing.

Madame Pomfrey’s eyes were cold when he asked to see Remus. “If it were up to me, I’d never let you near him again,” she muttered. “But Dumbledore has insisted.”

He had insisted, Sirius realized, because he wanted him to see the extent of the damage.

Remus lay in the hospital bed, paler than usual and unnaturally still. There was a deep gouge in his cheek that had been closed but not yet completely healed, and another across his nose. He had several bandages around his arms and neck, and the leg that stuck out from under the sheets was wound in heavy, brown-stained gauze. Sirius leaned over and retched in a nearby basin as the sight- and the guilt- flooded his senses.

I don't generally scar Remus too badly. He was left with a few scars from this escapade. But I felt like torturing Sirius.

He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, wishing that the intense tearing pain could go on forever because pain was punishment, but his stomach was empty and the heaves had quieted. He was just about to speak when a heavy hand on his shoulder spun him around and he was standing nose to nose with a furious Damien Lupin.

“What did you do?”

Oh, yeah. THIS is the Damien we all know and love!

Sirius gulped. Damien Lupin had always been intimidating, but right now with his yellow eyes flashing behind his glasses, his long hair pulled severely back, and his grease-stained Muggle clothing exposing he was nowhere near as slight as his son, he was terrifying.

“What did you do?” Damien repeated, his voice thick with rage.

“I… I’m sorry,” Sirius stammered. “I didn’t… I didn’t…” His eyes skipped back to Remus and the bile rose again.

“You betrayed him! I told him you were no good.” Sirius cringed away. “I told him not to trust you. You’re just like them.” He raised his hand and Sirius braced himself for the backhanded blow that never came. He opened his eyes tentatively to see Damien standing there, muscles strained and thrown into sharp relief as he held himself back.

“Get out,” Damien hissed. “Get away from him. Now.”

Amazed that the man had restrained himself when he had every right to pound Sirius to smithereens, Sirius obeyed.

One thing I've always wanted to be very clear. Damien is emotionally constipated. He is expressively stupid. He has a hard time showing love, even though he feels it very deeply, he is psychotically over protective, and he tends to blow his top. But Damien is not, and never will be, categorized as abusive. And Remus, although he craves his father's approval, is not scared of him in the slightest. No reason to be- Damien has never struck his son. (And never, EVER his wife!) But that's something Sirius really doesn't have a lot of experience with- someone who might be furious with him, but respects life enough to know that you just don't take your anger out like that on someone.

***

He slunk into his Charms class, slipping into a seat in the back. He could see James and Peter sitting together farther up, taking notes as Flitwick demonstrated the Patronus Charm. He watches as a silver eagle shot from the end of Flitwick’s wand and soared about the room.

“Of course, when a Dementor is present this is much harder,” Flitwick explained. “This is an extremely complex charm that many fully qualified wizards cannot master, which is why we will work on it in Charms as well as in your Defense Against the Dark Arts classes. Extra protection is always a good thing.” The eagle flew over Sirius’s head and back to Flitwick.

In addition to their essays on the theory of the Patronus Charm they were assigned the task of writing a list of happy memories to use next class when they would attempt the charm themselves. Sirius wrote the assignment down gloomily. Happy memories. He looked at Peter and James, who were obviously ignoring him and thought that all of his happiness was now a memory.


He was relieved when the day was over and he could return to Gryffindor Tower. Relieved, and at the same time apprehensive, because now he had to face James and Peter and there was no more putting it off. It was a Friday night and most of the students were relaxed and happy as he climbed in the porthole. A few called out to him, but he shook his head and claimed to be sick as he retreated to the dorm room.

It was empty. That was good. He’d been afraid he would come back to find the curtains on James’s and Peter’s beds would be drawn. He sat down on his own bed, pulling out his Charms essay and resigned to the wait.

As he waited he found himself making his list of happy memories. They had to be strong, powerful memories, Flitwick said. It was hard.

1.) The morning I turned into a dog for the first time.
2.) Showing Remus we’d become Animagi.
3.) Being at Peter’s house and floating on the raft.
4.) The time James and I snuck out to Hogsmeade and stayed at the pub until two in the morning.
5.) When Remus, Peter and I saw James score his first goal in Quidditch.
6.) Playing in the snow with Neil and Sid.
7.) Sitting at my mother’s feet last Christmas.
8.) The time James-

One of the things I really wanted to show here was that Sirius didn't have happy memories of his family, and that he really didn't have many before he was eleven. I also wanted to make sure that James got top billing, because they are best friends.

James opened the door.

For a long time they said nothing; they just stared at each other. Sirius wanted nothing more than to crawl under the bed and hide, but he stayed where he was, watching the disappointment in James’s eyes.

“Where’s Peter?” he finally asked, his voice cracking. What a dumb thing to say just now.

“He’s still up with Remus.” James’s eyes were boring into him. “What were you thinking, Sirius?”

“I wasn’t,” Sirius said softly. “I just thought it would be a joke, like a hex or a…” he shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

James snorted. “Sorry,” he scoffed. “Remus nearly dies in more ways than one, and you’re sorry.”

Sirius cringed. “What else can I say?”

James shook his head. “Look. Let’s not talk about it.”

Sirius’s eyes widened. “Not talk about it?”

“I can’t stand to look at you just now, and I’m tired.” James pulled the covers back and began changing into his pajamas.

“James, I really didn’t think-“

“Sirius, shut up, okay? Just shut up.”

Stung, Sirius did.

I kept James's reaction very muted here for a reason. James is Remus's friend and loves him dearly, yes. He must have been outraged. But at the same time, he's Sirius's best friend, too. He's angry, but he loves Sirius- even more than he loves Remus. James is monstrously conflicted, and I can't help but wonder if this is when he and Lily started having their first conversations in my universe.

To Part 2

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