From the Immeritus Vaults
Jan. 4th, 2007 04:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lls_mutantSo. My mom gave me this amazing Christmas gift- this CD of pictures that had been slides of my dad. I was just looking at it for the first time, and needless to say was crying my eyes out. It led me to two conclusions: 1.) I want a frame of three openings that has a picture of Dad, a picture of hubby, and a picture of Toby in it, and 2.) I needed to find something funny. But I was lazy and didn't feel like getting off my butt, so I surfed my old files.
You all who knew me at Immeritus will remember this. You all who didn't, well, I wrote one of these not long after OotP and the other after JKR answered another FAQ question. Apparently I started a third one, but I have to be in exactly the write mood to write these. They're unbeta-ed, and just plain silly- the HP crew in the "breakroom". So without further ado...
The cafeteria was nearly empty when Sirius stormed in.
“That’s it?” he demanded angrily. “That’s IT?”
“What?” Percy Weasley looked up from the computer. “What happened?”
“She killed me! That psychotic wench KILLED me!”
“You’re joking!”
“No! She- hey, where have YOU been this whole book? Isn’t the Weasley family supposed to be on the front lines against Voldie there?”
Percy snorted. “Don’t you READ the book, Padfoot? I’ve been ignoring the folks and all that.”
“Right. Sorry. I was just ticked.”
“YOU were ticked?” Lupin had come in and was putting change into the soda machine. “YOU? At least you get to die! I’m still stuck in this wretched plotline, being tortured by this banshee for the amusement of millions!”
“Hey- I got tossed into Azkaban for twelve years for a crime I didn’t commit and then had to stay inside that stupid house before I got one of the most ambiguous death scenes of all time?”
“Cry me a river, Padfoot. Try being exiled for those twelve years, having all of your friends KILLED except the traitor, I can’t get a job, the entire WORLD hates me except for the fans who are ready to snog me senseless or smother me with hugs, you go kicking off and no one cares how –I- feel about it, and, oh yeah. I get to torture myself once a month!”
Sirius held up his hands. “All right. You win!”
“Well I don’t know what you’re all complaining about,” Harry grumbled, coming in.
“Right now I’m complaining about this fricking machine EATING my dollar,” Lupin grumbled. He kicked it. “GIVE ME MY SODA! I’VE HAD IT!”
“Whoa- sounds like it’s that time of the month,” Harry joked.
“Oh, give it UP Potter, that is the most overused joke in fandom! I am NOT. ACTING. LIKE.” Lupin punctuated each word with a kick, “A. PREMENSTRUAL. WOMAN!”
Harry and Sirius looked at each other. “Riiiiiiight.”
Laughter in the air announced an influx of people. “I lost an electron!” Snape was saying to Hermione. “’Are you sure?’ the other atom asked. ‘Yeah, I’m positive!’”
Ron and Snape roared with laughter, but Hermione just sighed. “That has got to be the corniest joke I’ve ever heard.”
“Oh, come on Hermione. Lighten up!”
“When do I ever have a chance to do that?” Hermione asked. “Hey, move out of the way, Lupin. I want a soda.”
“It ate my dollar!”
“Here.” Snape came over and shook the machine. A Diet Coke rolled out. “Diet?”
“I’ve got to keep my figure. Psycho there keeps emphasizing how thin I am.”
“I’ll trade,” Snape offered, running his fingers through his hair. “God, I need a shower. Can we quit with the grease already?” he shouted at the ceiling. “It’s making me break out!”
“At least you’re alive,” Sirius sing-songed.
“Yeah, for now. Hey, what was the pot up to anyway?”
“Forty dollars and seventy two cents.”
“Who won?”
“Who do you think? Sybill. It’s no fun betting against a Seer.”
“Maybe we won’t let her play next time,” Ron said. He dug through his pockets. “I’ve got a buck on Lupin being the next to croak.”
“PLEASE?” Lupin shouted at the ceiling. “Before you come up with anything ELSE?”
“I’ve got a dollar on Mad-Eye Moody,” Harry volunteered.
“Two dollars on myself,” Snape tossed in his money.
“I’ll see your two dollars-“
“Wrong game, Arthur.”
“Oops. I’ll put in two on MYSELF, and another one on each of my kids.” Arthur unrolled a sheaf of bills. “Let’s see. I’m not supposed to be able to tell the difference, am I? Look! There’s a freaking TWENTY. You’d think I could tell it was a TWENTY from the TWENTY that’s on it!”
“I’ve got one on Tonks,” Vernon said. “And one on Dudders.”
“Gee. Thanks Dad.”
“No problem.”
“Hey, can anyone get this soda machine to work?” Draco had come in and was now banging it.
“Snape can,” Lupin said, finishing off the diet Coke and letting out a huge belch, which was greeted with applause.
Snape handed Draco his soda and knocked out one for himself. “So how long of a break DO we have, anyway?”
“Well, I hear the broad’s gotten herself knocked up-“
“Lovely way to talk about her Sirius.”
“She killed me! What do you want me to say?”
“Anyway,” Harry interrupted, “I don’t think she’s supposed to be done this year. We’ve got a while yet. Maybe a year or so.”
“A year of rest,” sighed Ron. “And then it’s going to be hell going back.”
“Look who’s writing it,” Hermione pointed out. “It’s going to be hell anyway.”
“Yeah,” Harry sighed, putting his head on the table. “Psychotic wench.”
The clamor had quieted. Snape, Lupin, and Sirius, and Arthur were playing poker in one corner. Ron and Harry were eating sandwiches. Percy was still reading a slash fic, with Draco looking over his shoulder. Hermione and Ginny had hooked up a DVD player and were watching Moulin Rogue!.
“You’ve got to admit,” Hermione sighed, “Ewan McGregor is SO sexy.”
“I heard he goes full frontal in The Pillow Book,” Ginny said, waggling her eyebrows.
“No way! Ooooh, we’ve got to rent that!”
“Or we can find you pictures on the internet,” Percy volunteered.
“Wait. I’m still reading this,” Draco protested. “Man, I didn’t even know that was possible!”
Neville Longbottom entered the room and began putting his change into the soda machine.
“Don’t waste your money,” Lupin warned without looking up.
Snape sighed and set his cards down. As he went over to shake the machine, Sirius picked up Snape’s hand and examined it, and then pulled a dollar he’d been about to bet back in.
“Thanks, Sev,” Neville said as Snape handed him his Mountain Dew. “She really needs to get that thing fixed.”
“Tell me about it. Either that or one of the rest of you needs to learn how to shake it down. See-“
“By the way, she answered the FAQ question,” Neville interrupted, not paying attention in the least.
“No! Which one?” Harry demanded, practically spewing lettuce across the table.
“The Howler, of course. Tough luck on your question too, Perce.”
Percy waved a hand. “She’s already answered it. Everyone knew I was acting on my own- oh my God. This is just WRONG!”
“What?”
“Hagrid/Flitwick slash.”
“Oh, that’s just WRONG!” Sirius echoed. “Yuck!” He jumped up and went to look over Percy’s shoulder. “Oh man, you guys have GOT to see this!”
Snape glanced back at them, but when he saw Sirius was engrossed in the computer screen, he picked up the abandoned hand. He smirked smugly and added another dollar to his bet.
“Doesn’t ANYONE care about She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s answer?” Neville asked.
“Not really,” Harry shrugged.
“Hey,” Ron interrupted, “Did you guys see The Village yet? Seriously, I think M. Night Shyalaman is reading WAY too much Harry Potter. First of all, Adrien Brody could have played Snape. Then it was Noah PERCY and LUCIUS Hunt.”
“Dude,” Draco said, looking up from the computer, “you really need to get out more.”
“And ‘Those-We-Do-Not-Speak-Of?”
Draco considered. “Okay. MAYBE you have a point.” He glanced back at the Percy and Sirius, who were still staring at the computer screen. “You guys are way too into this.”
“But look,” Sirius said, gesturing at the corresponding artwork.
“Sirius, it’s your turn.”
“Oh. Whoops.” He vaulted over the chair and back into his seat. “Hey! Who changed the ace for the three?”
“Nice bluff, Padfoot,” Arthur muttered. “Okay, show ‘em. I’ve got a full house. Kings over jacks.”
“A bunch of junk,” Sirius muttered.
“Four of a kind,” Snape laid his hand down.
“Royal flush. I win.” Lupin started pulling the pot towards him as Arthur shuffled the cards.
“Wait a second! That’s my ace!”
“Well, next time don’t go reading smut in the middle of a hand.” Lupin stacked his chips meticulously. “So what DID she say, Neville?”
“Basically nothing, except that Dumbledore had sent Petunia letters before.” Neville slurped his soda. “Oh, and she went on and on about you, Sirius.”
“Don’t tell him that,” Ron said, rolling his eyes. “He’ll be preening for ages.”
“Yeah, but we can always remind him he’s dead,” Snape pointed out.
“Like anyone at that table should talk,” Harry sing-songed.
“We’re the table of Doom,” Arthur agreed.
“Doooooom,” Sirius echoed, doing his “best” ghost impression.
“I’m feeling a Council of Elrond mood coming on,” Snape said, shuffling the cards and dealing, sending Lupin’s cards from the bottom.
“Well, just don’t break out into song,” Lupin said dryly, picking up his cards. He slipped one over to Arthur, who took it, looked at it, made a face, and returned it. “So what else did she say, Neville?”
“Arthur’s not the next Minister of Magic.” Neville settled down over Snape’s shoulder.
“Doom,” Sirius agreed.
“Would you guys stop that?!” Harry shouted. “Doom doom doom! Don’t you think I get enough of that on the job? Geeze! This is supposed to be a break! And Sirius, Lupin’s going for a straight flush. Spades.”
“Hey!”
“Thanks Harry. Glad someone’s cheating on my side.” Sirius smirked as he drew a card. “Did she say anything remotely positive?”
“More people are going to die.”
“Doo-“
“SHUT UP!”
“Did she say anything useful?” Draco asked, having finally reclaimed the computer and retreated to a nice safe James and Lily (under a blanket) fic.
“Nope. Unless you care about the age of the Weasleys or who Harry’s really based on.”
“Someone she hates,” Harry muttered. “Someone she wants to torture and-“
“HEY! I was cheating this time! How could I possibly lose?” Sirius demanded as Snape pulled the pot in.
“You owe me,” Neville muttered to Snape.
“Right. I’ll lay off you next book.”
“I’ll believe that when I see you get a shower.”
“Hey! That was low!”
“But accurate,” Ron put in.
“Deal,” Snape said, shoving the cards at Sirius. “Wanna come over here and play, Weasel Boy?”
“At the Table of Doom? No thanks. I’ll stick here next to Harry.”
“And that will be so much better,” Harry deadpanned. “Hey, what are you two sniffling about?”
“Shut up, Harry,” Hermione said, handing Ginny a Kleenex and taking one for herself as Moulin Rogue! ended. “Sad ending.”
“DOOM!” It was a group echo from the poker table.
“ENOUGH! The four of you! Honestly! Shut up before I take your cards away!” Harry threatened. “It’s bad enough with She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named calling the shots without you bozos encouraging her!”
Sirius fished out some money. “Here Harry. Take the others and go see Prisoner of Azkaban. Laugh at Lupin’s moustache. That will cheer you up.”
“Fine.” Harry took the money. “C’mon guys. Let’s go see how badly the idiots at Warner Brothers screwed it up.”
“Watch out for Voldemort!” Snape shouted as they left. “He might be lurking in the dustbins!”
Harry flicked an obscene gesture at him as he retreated. The four playing poker chuckled, and Lupin dealt the next hand. “Poor kid does have a point,” he said, examining his cards. “The Wench has got it in for him.”
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, making a face at his hand. “He really needs to learn to cheat.”
“Like that would help, Dead Man Walking?” Arthur asked.
“Only at playing poker.” Sirius drew another card and swore. “And sometimes, not even then.”
You all who knew me at Immeritus will remember this. You all who didn't, well, I wrote one of these not long after OotP and the other after JKR answered another FAQ question. Apparently I started a third one, but I have to be in exactly the write mood to write these. They're unbeta-ed, and just plain silly- the HP crew in the "breakroom". So without further ado...
The cafeteria was nearly empty when Sirius stormed in.
“That’s it?” he demanded angrily. “That’s IT?”
“What?” Percy Weasley looked up from the computer. “What happened?”
“She killed me! That psychotic wench KILLED me!”
“You’re joking!”
“No! She- hey, where have YOU been this whole book? Isn’t the Weasley family supposed to be on the front lines against Voldie there?”
Percy snorted. “Don’t you READ the book, Padfoot? I’ve been ignoring the folks and all that.”
“Right. Sorry. I was just ticked.”
“YOU were ticked?” Lupin had come in and was putting change into the soda machine. “YOU? At least you get to die! I’m still stuck in this wretched plotline, being tortured by this banshee for the amusement of millions!”
“Hey- I got tossed into Azkaban for twelve years for a crime I didn’t commit and then had to stay inside that stupid house before I got one of the most ambiguous death scenes of all time?”
“Cry me a river, Padfoot. Try being exiled for those twelve years, having all of your friends KILLED except the traitor, I can’t get a job, the entire WORLD hates me except for the fans who are ready to snog me senseless or smother me with hugs, you go kicking off and no one cares how –I- feel about it, and, oh yeah. I get to torture myself once a month!”
Sirius held up his hands. “All right. You win!”
“Well I don’t know what you’re all complaining about,” Harry grumbled, coming in.
“Right now I’m complaining about this fricking machine EATING my dollar,” Lupin grumbled. He kicked it. “GIVE ME MY SODA! I’VE HAD IT!”
“Whoa- sounds like it’s that time of the month,” Harry joked.
“Oh, give it UP Potter, that is the most overused joke in fandom! I am NOT. ACTING. LIKE.” Lupin punctuated each word with a kick, “A. PREMENSTRUAL. WOMAN!”
Harry and Sirius looked at each other. “Riiiiiiight.”
Laughter in the air announced an influx of people. “I lost an electron!” Snape was saying to Hermione. “’Are you sure?’ the other atom asked. ‘Yeah, I’m positive!’”
Ron and Snape roared with laughter, but Hermione just sighed. “That has got to be the corniest joke I’ve ever heard.”
“Oh, come on Hermione. Lighten up!”
“When do I ever have a chance to do that?” Hermione asked. “Hey, move out of the way, Lupin. I want a soda.”
“It ate my dollar!”
“Here.” Snape came over and shook the machine. A Diet Coke rolled out. “Diet?”
“I’ve got to keep my figure. Psycho there keeps emphasizing how thin I am.”
“I’ll trade,” Snape offered, running his fingers through his hair. “God, I need a shower. Can we quit with the grease already?” he shouted at the ceiling. “It’s making me break out!”
“At least you’re alive,” Sirius sing-songed.
“Yeah, for now. Hey, what was the pot up to anyway?”
“Forty dollars and seventy two cents.”
“Who won?”
“Who do you think? Sybill. It’s no fun betting against a Seer.”
“Maybe we won’t let her play next time,” Ron said. He dug through his pockets. “I’ve got a buck on Lupin being the next to croak.”
“PLEASE?” Lupin shouted at the ceiling. “Before you come up with anything ELSE?”
“I’ve got a dollar on Mad-Eye Moody,” Harry volunteered.
“Two dollars on myself,” Snape tossed in his money.
“I’ll see your two dollars-“
“Wrong game, Arthur.”
“Oops. I’ll put in two on MYSELF, and another one on each of my kids.” Arthur unrolled a sheaf of bills. “Let’s see. I’m not supposed to be able to tell the difference, am I? Look! There’s a freaking TWENTY. You’d think I could tell it was a TWENTY from the TWENTY that’s on it!”
“I’ve got one on Tonks,” Vernon said. “And one on Dudders.”
“Gee. Thanks Dad.”
“No problem.”
“Hey, can anyone get this soda machine to work?” Draco had come in and was now banging it.
“Snape can,” Lupin said, finishing off the diet Coke and letting out a huge belch, which was greeted with applause.
Snape handed Draco his soda and knocked out one for himself. “So how long of a break DO we have, anyway?”
“Well, I hear the broad’s gotten herself knocked up-“
“Lovely way to talk about her Sirius.”
“She killed me! What do you want me to say?”
“Anyway,” Harry interrupted, “I don’t think she’s supposed to be done this year. We’ve got a while yet. Maybe a year or so.”
“A year of rest,” sighed Ron. “And then it’s going to be hell going back.”
“Look who’s writing it,” Hermione pointed out. “It’s going to be hell anyway.”
“Yeah,” Harry sighed, putting his head on the table. “Psychotic wench.”
The clamor had quieted. Snape, Lupin, and Sirius, and Arthur were playing poker in one corner. Ron and Harry were eating sandwiches. Percy was still reading a slash fic, with Draco looking over his shoulder. Hermione and Ginny had hooked up a DVD player and were watching Moulin Rogue!.
“You’ve got to admit,” Hermione sighed, “Ewan McGregor is SO sexy.”
“I heard he goes full frontal in The Pillow Book,” Ginny said, waggling her eyebrows.
“No way! Ooooh, we’ve got to rent that!”
“Or we can find you pictures on the internet,” Percy volunteered.
“Wait. I’m still reading this,” Draco protested. “Man, I didn’t even know that was possible!”
Neville Longbottom entered the room and began putting his change into the soda machine.
“Don’t waste your money,” Lupin warned without looking up.
Snape sighed and set his cards down. As he went over to shake the machine, Sirius picked up Snape’s hand and examined it, and then pulled a dollar he’d been about to bet back in.
“Thanks, Sev,” Neville said as Snape handed him his Mountain Dew. “She really needs to get that thing fixed.”
“Tell me about it. Either that or one of the rest of you needs to learn how to shake it down. See-“
“By the way, she answered the FAQ question,” Neville interrupted, not paying attention in the least.
“No! Which one?” Harry demanded, practically spewing lettuce across the table.
“The Howler, of course. Tough luck on your question too, Perce.”
Percy waved a hand. “She’s already answered it. Everyone knew I was acting on my own- oh my God. This is just WRONG!”
“What?”
“Hagrid/Flitwick slash.”
“Oh, that’s just WRONG!” Sirius echoed. “Yuck!” He jumped up and went to look over Percy’s shoulder. “Oh man, you guys have GOT to see this!”
Snape glanced back at them, but when he saw Sirius was engrossed in the computer screen, he picked up the abandoned hand. He smirked smugly and added another dollar to his bet.
“Doesn’t ANYONE care about She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s answer?” Neville asked.
“Not really,” Harry shrugged.
“Hey,” Ron interrupted, “Did you guys see The Village yet? Seriously, I think M. Night Shyalaman is reading WAY too much Harry Potter. First of all, Adrien Brody could have played Snape. Then it was Noah PERCY and LUCIUS Hunt.”
“Dude,” Draco said, looking up from the computer, “you really need to get out more.”
“And ‘Those-We-Do-Not-Speak-Of?”
Draco considered. “Okay. MAYBE you have a point.” He glanced back at the Percy and Sirius, who were still staring at the computer screen. “You guys are way too into this.”
“But look,” Sirius said, gesturing at the corresponding artwork.
“Sirius, it’s your turn.”
“Oh. Whoops.” He vaulted over the chair and back into his seat. “Hey! Who changed the ace for the three?”
“Nice bluff, Padfoot,” Arthur muttered. “Okay, show ‘em. I’ve got a full house. Kings over jacks.”
“A bunch of junk,” Sirius muttered.
“Four of a kind,” Snape laid his hand down.
“Royal flush. I win.” Lupin started pulling the pot towards him as Arthur shuffled the cards.
“Wait a second! That’s my ace!”
“Well, next time don’t go reading smut in the middle of a hand.” Lupin stacked his chips meticulously. “So what DID she say, Neville?”
“Basically nothing, except that Dumbledore had sent Petunia letters before.” Neville slurped his soda. “Oh, and she went on and on about you, Sirius.”
“Don’t tell him that,” Ron said, rolling his eyes. “He’ll be preening for ages.”
“Yeah, but we can always remind him he’s dead,” Snape pointed out.
“Like anyone at that table should talk,” Harry sing-songed.
“We’re the table of Doom,” Arthur agreed.
“Doooooom,” Sirius echoed, doing his “best” ghost impression.
“I’m feeling a Council of Elrond mood coming on,” Snape said, shuffling the cards and dealing, sending Lupin’s cards from the bottom.
“Well, just don’t break out into song,” Lupin said dryly, picking up his cards. He slipped one over to Arthur, who took it, looked at it, made a face, and returned it. “So what else did she say, Neville?”
“Arthur’s not the next Minister of Magic.” Neville settled down over Snape’s shoulder.
“Doom,” Sirius agreed.
“Would you guys stop that?!” Harry shouted. “Doom doom doom! Don’t you think I get enough of that on the job? Geeze! This is supposed to be a break! And Sirius, Lupin’s going for a straight flush. Spades.”
“Hey!”
“Thanks Harry. Glad someone’s cheating on my side.” Sirius smirked as he drew a card. “Did she say anything remotely positive?”
“More people are going to die.”
“Doo-“
“SHUT UP!”
“Did she say anything useful?” Draco asked, having finally reclaimed the computer and retreated to a nice safe James and Lily (under a blanket) fic.
“Nope. Unless you care about the age of the Weasleys or who Harry’s really based on.”
“Someone she hates,” Harry muttered. “Someone she wants to torture and-“
“HEY! I was cheating this time! How could I possibly lose?” Sirius demanded as Snape pulled the pot in.
“You owe me,” Neville muttered to Snape.
“Right. I’ll lay off you next book.”
“I’ll believe that when I see you get a shower.”
“Hey! That was low!”
“But accurate,” Ron put in.
“Deal,” Snape said, shoving the cards at Sirius. “Wanna come over here and play, Weasel Boy?”
“At the Table of Doom? No thanks. I’ll stick here next to Harry.”
“And that will be so much better,” Harry deadpanned. “Hey, what are you two sniffling about?”
“Shut up, Harry,” Hermione said, handing Ginny a Kleenex and taking one for herself as Moulin Rogue! ended. “Sad ending.”
“DOOM!” It was a group echo from the poker table.
“ENOUGH! The four of you! Honestly! Shut up before I take your cards away!” Harry threatened. “It’s bad enough with She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named calling the shots without you bozos encouraging her!”
Sirius fished out some money. “Here Harry. Take the others and go see Prisoner of Azkaban. Laugh at Lupin’s moustache. That will cheer you up.”
“Fine.” Harry took the money. “C’mon guys. Let’s go see how badly the idiots at Warner Brothers screwed it up.”
“Watch out for Voldemort!” Snape shouted as they left. “He might be lurking in the dustbins!”
Harry flicked an obscene gesture at him as he retreated. The four playing poker chuckled, and Lupin dealt the next hand. “Poor kid does have a point,” he said, examining his cards. “The Wench has got it in for him.”
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, making a face at his hand. “He really needs to learn to cheat.”
“Like that would help, Dead Man Walking?” Arthur asked.
“Only at playing poker.” Sirius drew another card and swore. “And sometimes, not even then.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 10:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 10:50 pm (UTC)The CD sounds like a great gift, by the way. *hugs*
M.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 11:03 pm (UTC)I can totally see this going on in the 'break room'.
I have one where the students go on a field trip to a Muggle cinema and end up watching 'Prisoner of
Alfonso CuaronAzkaban' and one where the characters appear for an impromptu Q&A in JKR's kitchen post-HBP, but I think I like yours best.no subject
Date: 2007-01-05 12:25 am (UTC)*hugs for you*
no subject
Date: 2007-01-06 04:51 am (UTC)The Table of Doom really adds to the break room's decor.
Date: 2007-01-06 06:12 am (UTC)That pun was painful, intentional or not. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-01-07 10:56 pm (UTC)I hope it's okay that I friend you, if not don't worry about unfriending me (: