AIL Part 12

[lls_mutant]

Title: Accidentally In Love Part 12: Holding Out for a Hero
Author: lupinslittlesis
Rating: PG-13 to R
Disclaimer: Standard
Summary: Sirius copes with loss… and with gain.
Author's Notes: Finally. :P And thanks to magnetic_pole for the once-over! (Once-over, not beta, so blame me, not her, for remaining mistakes!)



"Will you please leave me alone?" Remus begged James, clutching his head. "I told you already, I have no idea where I was last night!"

"I just don't get it!" James shouted for the fifth time. "I sent you a message. I told you Sirius needed you. I don't care how drunk you were-"

"James, I don't think he was drunk," Sirius muttered, but James ignored him.

"-You should have been there. When you were in St. Mungo's-"

"Stop it, all right? Just stop it! I don't want to talk about that right now!"

"Well, I'm bloody well going to! I couldn't tear him away, Remus! And when he needed you, you were out getting pissed out of your mind!"

"James, if I had been drinking, I would have at least remembered where I started! The last thing I remember about last night is leaving the flat and walking past Vindaloo's."

"And why should I believe that?" James snapped, and then clapped his hands over his mouth. "Oh, God. Remus… Moony… I didn't mean that."

"You did," Remus said, and then dropped his head back into his hands. "I suppose I don't blame you. I wouldn't believe it."

"But I do," Sirius said firmly.

James and Remus both stared at him.

"I do," Sirius insisted.

"Why?" James asked.

"Because the Death Eaters-"

"Sirius!" Remus snapped, and suddenly Sirius remembered again he wasn't allowed to tell James what Remus was doing.

"Bloody hell," he muttered, dropping his own head into his hands.

"The Death Eaters what?" James asked. "Sirius, the Death Eaters what?"

Remus looked at him with a strange combination of steel and pleading.

"I don't remember what I was going to say," Sirius said lamely. "My head is killing me."

James sat down. "You do remember," he told Sirius bitterly. "You just won't tell me."

"James-" Sirius began.

"It's not like that," Remus said. "It's for Dumbledore." James turned and looked out the window. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone, James."

"You told Sirius."

"I had to."

"You had to."

"Well, yes." Remus sighed. "James, please. Don't get your knickers in a twist over this?"

"And why shouldn't I?" James asked. "You told Sirius, but you couldn't tell me or Peter?"

"In case you missed it, we are living together!" Remus snapped back.

"Would the two of you please stop it?" Sirius broke in. "James, you know there are things you're doing that you can't tell us because Dumbledore ordered you to keep it secret."

It was a shot in the dark- well, the semi-dark- but James's face revealed the truth. He kicked the bedpost and swore, shoving his hands deep in his pockets. "It's not right," he grumbled.

"It is," Remus said tiredly. "James, if I knew what you were doing and I was captured… Voldemort doesn't just kill people. He tortures them first. Do you want to bet your life, and everything you're trying to do, that I could withstand torture?"

"Yes," James said. Remus blinked, drawing back. "You, Sirius, and Peter are my best friends. I should be able to trust any of the three of you with my life. That's how this sort of thing works."

"Well, we might trust each other," Remus said, "but Dumbledore doesn't."

James sat down on the bed as well. "I know."

"He's only looking out for us," Remus pressed.

"If he was looking out for us, he'd let us trust each other."

Sirius opened his mouth to agree with James, and then thought of the Imperius Curse and Frank Longbottom sending him to the Sterling Artesa, and shut his mouth again. What if someone got a hold of James like that? Or Remus? Or Peter? What was terrifying wasn't the realization that they could betray him, but the realization that it wouldn't require torture or threats or death… only a spell and a word.

"It will be all right," Remus said lamely.

"Let's just forget it," James said. "We're tired, we're all worried, and none of us feel well. We'll just forget it."

"Right," Sirius agreed. "Where are Peter and Lily, anyway?"

"They went to pick up takeaway for lunch," James said.

"It's lunch time already?" Remus asked.

"Yeah. You two were out for a while." James fidgeted, and glanced at Sirius. Sirius read the question and nodded. "I'll go see if they're back," he offered lamely, and retreated.

Sirius watched him go, and then turned to see Remus looking at him. "What?"

"You believe me? That I don't remember what happened?"

"I do. Do you remember who you were with last night?"

"Not for certain."

"You got an owl from Regulus that morning," Sirius said.

"I know." Remus looked down at the rug on the bed, picking at the fabric. "I have a note from him as well."

"But you can't tell me what happened."

"No." Remus sighed. "I can't tell me what happened."

Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus's waist, and Remus leaned his head against Sirius's shoulder. "This will all end soon," Sirius said.

"I know. I just hope it ends well."

***

Peter and Lily had brought back fish and chips. Remus wanted to be hungry, but the smell of the grease turned his stomach. But he didn't mind.

They sat at the table, white paper and food spread out in front of them, Sirius and Remus both in pajama bottoms and t-shirts and the others in borrowed clothing (although Lily required an enlarging charm on the shirt she borrowed from Sirius), and bottles of beer around. The windows were open and a gentle breeze tickled the curtains, and they could hear the sound of Muggle automobiles from the streets below.

It was like a storm had passed over them, leaving the air rain-washed and fresh. The situation had been redefined, and no one had to pretend that they had any control over the situation. Dumbledore was in charge, and although no one put the words to it, they were soldiers acting on his commands. And when Sirius smiled at him across the table, Remus felt a bit more at peace with the world. Although he still wished he could remember what had happened last night.

"So," Sirius was saying to James and Lily, "I hope you've picked out a name for this sprog."

"Maybe," James said, and Lily smiled enigmatically. "We're not telling, though."

"Why not?" Sirius said. "We won't laugh!"

Lily fixed him with an evil eye of doom. "You will."

"We're your friends!" Sirius protested.

"Exactly."

"So what are the bets on?" Remus asked. "Boy or girl?"

"Boy," James and Sirius said simultaneously.

"I'm hoping for a girl," Peter said, and Lily kissed him on the cheek.

"Really, Wormtail?" James asked. "I would have thought you'd be on our side."

"Not really. I have sisters. I know what to do with a girl. Boys confuse me."

"Um, Wormtail?"

"Shut up. That's not what I mean. Besides, girls are fun."

"No way," Sirius argued. "Boys are much more fun." James spurted beer out his nose, and Sirius backhanded him. "We are talking about your offspring, James. Get your mind out of the gutter."

"How are boys more fun?" Lily challenged.

"You can teach them to play Quidditch and play with trains and play with-"

"Anything boys can do, girls can do better," Lily interrupted in a sing-song.

"Except write their names in the snow," Remus contributed helpfully.

"You haven't… no, wait. I don't want to know."

"Sirius can even dot the is," Peter said.

"And James has the neatest writing, which makes sense. He writes well with his hand, so why not his-"

"I SAID I didn't want to know!" Lily laughed, and then put a hand over her stomach. "Sorry, sprog, if I disturbed your slumber."

Sirius was watching with a half-disgusted, half-fascinated look on his face. "You could see it move!" he exclaimed.

They all laughed, and when Remus put his hand over Lily's belly to feel the life moving inside, he couldn't help but think there might be hope for the Wizarding World after all.

***

The peace could only last so long, and the next morning Sirius was back at work.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU THINKING?"

Moody's voice was probably echoing off corridors in the eighth floor, not just the walls of Elphias Doge's office where Doge, Moody, and Lupin were confronting their errant Auror trainee. Sirius wanted to slump down in his seat, but he held his backbone poker-stiff. "Sir, I-"

"I'M NOT FINISHED! DID IT NOT OCCUR TO YOU-"

"Alastor, the Aurors are not the only people working in this building," Doge said dryly. He was siting at his desk, twirling a quill between his fingers.

Moody lowered his voice from a roar to a shout. "-That going into a bar known to be frequented by Death Eaters was not a good idea?"

"That's why-"

"You took Potter," Moody finished mockingly. "It's something, at any rate, but still. Two of you against an entire bloody bar!!!!!"

"Whatever possessed you to go in the first place?" Damien snapped, taking advantage of Moody pausing for breath. "What could possibly justify such a careless endeavor?"

"He was my brother," Sirius managed to say.

"He's a suspected Death Eater!" Damien shouted.

"And I don't care if it's your bloody mother-" Moody picked up.

"Especially YOUR mother-"

"You have to maintain CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!!!!!! This is WAR, boy, WAR! Bonds of blood don't count!"

"ENOUGH!" Doge rumbled, and Sirius was rather amazed he could outshout both Damien and Moody at full force. "Alastor, Damien, you've made your point." Moody muttered something, but Doge ignored him and turned the full focus of his gaze on Sirius.

"Black. You are already walking a thin line. A very thin line. Last month-"

"Sir, I-!"

"Quiet! Last month, I warned you that you needed to pull yourself together. I cannot impress upon you enough how precarious and dangerous this current time is. This is not a time when we can allow ourselves to feel anything- anything at all. I realize that this was your brother, but that is the exact reason you were not allowed anywhere near this particular case. There are enough other suspected Death Eaters to chase down that you should have your hands full enough.

"If this was a normal situation, this event coupled with your breakdown last month would result in suspension from your job, without pay." Sirius's blood ran cold. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. "However, this is not a normal situation. We cannot spare a single man, and despite your impulsiveness and emotional responses, you are competent when you think before you act. So therefore you are on probation. You are to clear all cases with all three of us, and you are not to go on any sort of mission without one of the three of us."

"I'm not a child!" The words broke out before Sirius could stop them.

"You are twenty. In this career, you are still a child," Doge said firmly. "And I will not hear of another infraction like this, is that understood?"

"I-"

"You are putting yourself, your coworkers, and anyone with you at an incredible risk. I do not know how I can emphasize this more. Probation. If you mess up again, suspension. And if you continue to be a problem…" Doge raised his eyebrows meaningfully. "Desperate or not, we'll terminate you. Understood?"

Sirius crossed his arms, slumped in the chair, and glared out the window. "Understood."

***

The Dragon Rider Pub was as warm and welcoming as always, but Sirius was not in the mood to see it. He thumped down at a table with Lily, James, Remus, Frank, Alice, and Gideon Prewett.

"So, what exactly did happen?" Gideon asked.

"Yes, tell us again," Peter said, joining them. "And start with the part where you three got bailed out by two pregnant women, because that's never getting old."

"Piss off, Wormtail," James growled. "I don't want to talk about it," he told Gideon.

"Baby," Alice said, smirking.

"No, shutting the fuck up sounds like a brilliant idea," Sirius snapped, tracing his wand over the circle of condensation his beer left on the table. Remus nudged him under the table, but Sirius ignored him.

Gideon seemed unperturbed by the general mood. "I heard Moody shouting," he said amiably.

"I think the people in the Department of Magical Games and Sports heard Moody shouting," Sirius scowled. "What part of 'I don't want to talk about it' is so hard to understand?"

"Well, I do." Gideon became very serious. "Frank gave you the tip, didn't he? Against Doge's direct orders?" Frank opened his mouth to argue, but Gideon held up his hand. "I'm not accusing you of anything," he said. "It's just that this is the second time that I know of that one of you has tried to kill the other. It makes someone wonder."

"It does," Peter said, turning serious. "I've heard rumors…" he trailed off.

"What rumors?" Gideon pressed.

Peter looked uncomfortable. "All sorts," he admitted. "There're several rumors going about that there's a leak in the Auror department. There are rumors that there's more than one. People are talking about torture and interrogation-"

"By Aurors?"

"No, by Death Eaters. That Death Eaters are torturing people to come over to their side."

"Well, we know that's true," Sirius said, looking at Remus.

"We do?" James asked, surprised. "I mean, I suspected it-"

"We do," Peter said, looking down at the table. "They'll threaten to kill your family, I've heard. And then you."

Sirius looked at the table, and he wondered how James and Peter couldn't possibly figure out what had happened to Remus. Under the table, Remus's fingers fumbled for his. Sirius squeezed them back. Gideon's attention was now entirely focused on Peter.

"What other rumors have you been hearing?" he asked.

Peter glanced at the others, but now everyone's attention was on him, as well. "All sorts," he said. "Disappearances, rumors of You-Know-Who turning corpses into Inferi, pressure tactics, recruitment of Dark Creatures-"

"Like giants," Gideon said. "Vampires as well?"

"All of them. Banshees, werewolves… I've even heard talk of him approaching creatures like goblins and merpeople. Creatures that aren't dark, necessarily, but are still living under rules they don't like."

"Are they accepting?" Lily asked, fingering the top of her glass of orange.

"No," Frank said, looking deliberately away from Remus. "Not all of them."

"But he's killing those that don't," Peter pointed out.

"Now, look," Alice said crossly. "How can you possibly know that?"

Peter's face became very serious, and very pale. "The same way I know you're having a boy," he said. "And that you're going to name him Neville."

"Frank!" Alice smacked her husband. "You weren't supposed to tell the names!"

"I didn't," Frank protested. "And besides, I rarely see Pettigrew here!"

"Peter's a Divination expert," James said dryly. "If you can put stock in it."

Frank snorted, but Gideon looked interested. "Do you have the Inner Eye?"

"No, I'm not a seer. But there's an art to Divination, and half of it is knowing what's bunk and what's not," Peter said.

"Do you do fortunes?"

For a moment, Sirius thought that Peter's face looked very hard indeed. "No," he said, and Sirius wondered if he'd imagined the expression. "Not often. Divination can actually be useful, if you know how to use it."

Gideon pondered Peter's words. Then, "Would you mind if we talked about this at greater length?"

"Of course not. When can you meet?"

"Oh, come on Prewett!" Alice protested. "You're not going to use Divination as a way of foiling Death Eater attacks!"

"Nothing else we've been trying has been working," Gideon said seriously. "At this point, I'm willing to try anything."

"It's not foolproof," Peter cautioned. "I can try."

"You try. It will be up to me to determine if it's reasonable." Gideon fixed Sirius, Frank, and Alice with a stern look. "I suspect it might be best if this were not mentioned to Doge."

"How about Moody?" Frank asked innocently, and Gideon fired a stretching jinx at him as he stood up to go talk to another table.

"I can't believe it," Alice said, idly waving her wand at her husband to lift the jinx and watching Gideon go. "Divination. It's such a hoax."

"A waste of talent," James agreed. "And an easy O if you're good at making up stories."

"You know, I am sitting right here," Peter said crossly.

"Sorry you're offended, Peter, but nothing you say can ever make me think much of Divination," Alice said.

"Even when you find out that baby's a boy?"

"You have a fifty-fifty chance." Alice stood up. "I'm going to the ladies'."

Lily struggled to her feet. "I'll join you. This has to be one of the worst parts."

"Oh, I don't know. There's the swelling, and I can't sleep."

"True. And there's the broom restrictions- not that I could sit a broom anyway. But when you're married to someone who considers Quidditch more of a religion than a sport-"

"Oh, I believe it. And then there's husbands not wanting to have sex-"

"GO TO THE LADIES'!" Frank roared. Sirius snickered as he noticed James's ears were red as well. "Honestly," Frank said, turning back to the rest of them. "So Pettigrew, did you really get all that from tea leaves or a crystal ball?"

"Tarot cards," Peter said dryly, and then sighed. "All right, I overheard you and Alice talking about names. It's Eunice for a girl."

"But the sex?"

Peter shrugged. "You heard your wife. Fifty-fifty chance." But his face was defiant. Sirius remembered the night Peter had told him not to stop for Chinese, but he said nothing.

***

The story of Arden Black's death was on page three of the Daily Prophet the next day, but it hit the Wizarding World as if it had been splashed across the front page. Sirius read the story with a curious dead feeling in the pit of his stomach and Remus watching him as if he might explode.

"It's strange," he said, reaching for another piece of toast as Remus slowly chewed his cereal. "I should feel something. He was my father." He bit into the scone and set it down. "I did last time. You'd think…" He shook his head and folded the paper. "It's going to scare people, though."

"It scares me," Remus said. "If anyone should have been safe… I mean, your family is as pure as Wizarding families get."

"Or at least they pretend to be." Sirius picked the scone up again and contemplated it. "They just blow people off the tapestry that don't fit in. But that's exactly it. My family should have been safe. I wonder why they weren't." He set the toast down again, folded the paper, and stood up. "I have to shave before I go."

"Sirius?" Remus asked just as Sirius stepped out of the kitchen.

"Yes?"

Remus's eyes bored into him. "Nothing."

Sirius smiled, came back and dropped a kiss on Remus's lips, and then left for the bathroom. He was whistling as he left.

***

Remus could feel the difference in the air when he stepped out. He tried to tell himself it was his imagination, but it wasn't. He didn't see Prudence Pringle at the corner, and he when he went to the corner shop Albert Henkelin wasn't there buying cigarettes or a paper. He stuffed his hands deep in his robe pockets, despite the heat of the morning, and made his way to the Ministry.

Macnair did not seem surprised to see him, but did invite him to sit down and even offered a drink; something he had never done before. Remus politely declined. "I have something for you," he recited. "Something that I intercepted."

"Oh?" Macnair's eyebrows shot up to his hairline.

"I know he's my friend, but I can't in good conscience keep this from the Dark Lord," Remus said. He turned the folded, sealed parchment over in his hands. "Please pass this along."

Macnair took the parchment and broke open the seal. He closed his eyes for a long moment. "You know what this is," he said.

"Yes," Remus lied.

"And you know what will come of it."

"I'm afraid so. But my loyalties lie to the Dark Lord, not to Black."

"The Dark Lord will be grateful," Macnair said. "I am quite sure." He tucked the parchment into a pocket in his robe. "I'll see you again soon, Lupin."

"Yes."

Remus rose and nodded, but Macnair was already looking out the Ministry-added window. He retreated quickly and began walking to the Dragon Rider Pub.

He wasn't stupid, he told himself. Whatever Regulus had put in that parchment had something to do with that night. Remus had tried to open it, but something had stopped him. Not just conscience- but something powerful and real and painful. The same thing forced him to take the parchment to Macnair and give the prepared speech, and the same thing kept him from feeling much about it now.

The pub was empty when he walked in, and Remus sighed. He wouldn't mind an easy morning, but he'd rather wait on customers than wash dishes or clean up the kitchen. But before he could hang up his cloak, Fabian emerged from his office. "Remus, would you please come in?"

Remus followed him warily. Fabian's face reflected guilt mixed with sadness and determination. His stomach froze. "What?"

Fabian fingered an envelope. "I put an extra two weeks pay in," he said. "It was the least I could do. You're a bloody great employee. But you're too good for this."

Remus took the envelope with numb fingers. "Too good for this?"

"I told you that when you started," Fabian said, looking at a point over Remus's shoulder.

"You also told me you could lose your business if word got around that you had a werewolf working for you," Remus said bitterly. "Word got around, didn't it?" Fabian shrugged, and Remus shoved the envelope back into his hand. "I don't want your bloody pittance."

Fabian shoved it back. "Look. It's all I can do, all right? And besides, half of it is your wages, anyway."

"It is not all you can do," Remus flared. "I told you before- keep me on in the kitchen only."

Fabian shook his head. "I'm sorry Remus," he said firmly. "But I can't, especially now. You're fired."

***

It was raining as he walked home. Remus didn't notice.

He let himself into the flat and stood in the center, looking around blankly. In his mind he saw the poky little bedsit he'd been staying in before money grew too tight, with the cracked mirror and the rickety table. He'd been proud of it when he'd just been starting out, but now…

Now if it wasn't for Sirius, it would be a lifetime of poky bedsits and rickety tables. Instead, he was here in relative luxury, just because he was sleeping with Sirius.

The rational voice in his mind reminded him that even if nothing had ever transpired between them Sirius still would have offered this sort of arrangement, but Remus didn't feel like listening. Instead, he tossed his cloak off and slumped onto the couch.

He was still sitting there when Sirius came home, tired and rumpled and wet from the rain.

"I didn't expect you home," Sirius said with a weary smile. Remus opened his mouth to tell him about the dismissal, but Sirius flopped on the couch beside him and closed his eyes. "Fourteen families were attacked last night, Moony. Fourteen." He ran his fingers through his hair. "It's never been that bad. Most of them couldn't get distress signals out. Some of them survived all right, but…" he shuddered. "I had to pick up a dead baby today. She was only six months, I think. Six months, and they killed her, because her Mum was a Muggle-born witch."

"That's horrible," Remus said. Suddenly, being fired from his job didn't seem so important. Sirius nodded and scrubbed his face with his hands.

"I just want to forget about this blasted war and today and every bloody wizard and witch in England," he said. "Can we do that tonight?"

"Sure," Remus said. "It sounds like a good idea to me, too." Sirius just smiled.

***

Two days later, the news wasn't splashed across the front page of the Daily Prophet, or even the third page. It was a small piece in the Obituary section, and Remus only found it because Lily dropped the paper while they were all over.

James bent to pick it up, and his eyes widened. "Sirius…."

"What?" Sirius's voice was tired. James handed him the paper.

Silence.

"What happened?" Remus asked, craning his neck to look. Regulus blinked back at him from the pages, looking hard and bored, and yet at the same time young and puzzled. Remus hadn't known that was possible.

It took a minute to register that it was an obituary. But as soon as it hit his stomach dropped out of his body and he knew that Regulus was dead because of that note that Remus had given McNair. He grabbed the paper, but Sirius yanked it away. The paper burst into a ball of flame. Remus wasn't sure which one of them made it do that.

"Sirius…" James began again, reaching a hand out.

Sirius's lips were white, and he shook his head violently. James gripped his shoulder tightly, and Remus took a step back.

Regulus was dead. Remus couldn't get his mind around that, or sort out the guilt from the regret from the grief from that awful little bit of relief from the horror. He looked helplessly at Peter, but Peter's whole face was just as white as Sirius's lips.

"What happened?" James asked, reaching for the paper. "They don't give much detail…."

"He was a Death Eater," Sirius whispered.

"No!"

"Oh, come on James," Lily said. "Are you really shocked?" Her voice was hard as glass, and Remus didn't say anything about how insensitive it was to say that in front of Sirius because Death Eaters weren't a topic he really wanted to broach with Lily.

"Lily-" James began, his voice strained, but Sirius had turned to Remus.

"You were working with him."

"Sirius-"

"I know you were! You told me!"

"Wait," James cut in. "What's this all about?"

"Remus has been spying on the Death Eaters," Sirius told James, and then reeled back to Remus. "And Dumbledore said… or you said… a single soul…."

Remus wanted to rail at Sirius for revealing that, but he bit down on his tongue sharply.

"You've been spying on the Death Eaters?" James repeated, gazing at Remus with shock. Remus opened his mouth and closed it, because what was going to come out was not civil and not anything he should say. He glared at Sirius, but Sirius only glared back.

"That's what you were doing. You told me!" he said. "And I found the letters! I know you were working with him!"

"The letters? Sirius-"

Sirius hurled his mug against the wall, where it shattered into a storm of glass. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAVE HIM!" he shouted, pushing Remus.

"I COULDN'T!" Remus shouted, pushing back. "I don't know what happened, Sirius, but I couldn't save him!"

"Regulus?!?" Peter suddenly demanded. "You were trying to save Regulus? What has Regulus ever meant to you?"

Remus looked at James frantically, but James's eyes were cold. Remus hadn't seen him like this since… since Sirius had sent Snape into the Shrieking Shack. And that drew other comparisons that Remus didn't want to think about right now. Especially with Sirius turned away, his shoulders shaking. He reached out and touched Sirius's shoulder, but Sirius threw him off.

"Sirius…."

It was Peter who said, "Remus, maybe you'd better go." Remus stared at him, aghast, but neither James nor Sirius contradicted him, and Lily looked on in stunned silence.

"Fine," Remus said, surprised at how normal his voice sounded. "I'll be…" where would he be? He couldn't bring himself to say home right now. "I'll be… oh, just find me!" He swore under his breath and stalked out of the room.

No one followed him, and that hurt as well.

***

The sun had set by the time the world came back into focus, and the guilt in Sirius rose with the increasing darkness. They hadn't spoken of Remus for the past three hours; James and Lily and Peter had listened to Sirius rant and rail about Regulus and his stupidity, and eventually subside into recollection. He'd never said it to himself, but as he spoke Sirius realized so many of the truly pleasant memories he had of home related to his brother or his mother.

"Do you really think Remus could have saved Regulus?" James tentatively asked late that evening.

Sirius shrugged.

"It depends on what you mean by saved," Lily said softly. "You said he was trying to save a single soul…"

"Yes…" Sirius said, and he closed his eyes again, scrubbing his face. "Oh, shit."

"You-Know-Who kills people who defy him," Peter muttered, staring at his hands. "Want to bet that's what Regulus did?"

Sirius stood up abruptly. "I have to go."

It took him almost an hour to find Remus. He hadn't been at the flat or at the Dragon Rider, nor at any of the other pubs that they ever frequented. A couple of quick spells after trying all the usual haunts had led him to a tiny cottage outside Tillsonburg. There was a light in the window, and Sirius knocked. No answer. Not one to be so easily deterred, Sirius Apparated inside.

Remus was lying on an old and battered couch, arm thrown over his face.

"I know you're awake," Sirius said.

Remus grunted, but made no other comment.

"So this is the cottage Caradoc left you, huh?" Sirius said, turning around. It was small and sparsely furnished; a man's retreat from the world, not a true home. "It's nice," Sirius said lamely.

"Bullshit."

Sirius sighed. "I'm trying to break the ice, Remus. I'm trying to say I'm sorry."

Remus didn't answer, but he let his arm slide off his face. Sirius took a few deep breaths. "It would be nice if you said something," he prompted when the silence grew too heavy.

"What are you sorry for?" Remus demanded bitterly.

Sirius shrugged.

"It would be a lot more compelling of an apology if you actually cared what you were sorry about," Remus said, shutting his eyes again.

Sirius pulled out his wand and sent a jet of water at Remus.

"Hey! What was that for?" Remus sputtered.

"Don't give me that right now!" Sirius said, his anger rushing back. "I am not in the mood to argue semantics!"

"Neither am I!"

"Then why the fuck did you just ask if I even knew what I was apologizing for?"

"Because I'm betting you don't know what really pissed me off!"

"Shall I go through the list? I shouldn't have said what I said to you. I shouldn't have pushed you. I shouldn't have blamed you!"

"You shouldn't have told the others I was spying on the Death Eaters!" Remus snapped, jumping to his feet.

"I know that!" Sirius said, wounded. "And I'm trying to say I'm sorry!"

"Saying you're sorry doesn't undo it, Sirius. They still know!"

"They're your best friends! Is that so bad?"

"Yes! Sirius, if one of them is captured and tortured, do you have any idea what that means?"

"Yes," he muttered, sinking down into a chair. "We've only been through it a thousand times."

"Exactly." Remus said, fixing him with a glare that made Sirius feel three years old again.

"Shit."

They stood there in silence until Sirius looked up at Remus, who was still glaring down at him, arms crossed. "I don't know what you want me to say."

"I don't either," Remus muttered. "I just want it to all go away."

"Well, I can't do that!" Sirius stood up himself. "I fucked up and I'm sorry, okay? But I can't undo it!"

"Well, then, what the fuck do you suggest we do?"

It was an instinctual response, to grab Remus and kiss him full on the mouth. Remus pushed away but Sirius held tight, his lips and teeth rough. There was no way to convince Remus how sorry he was with words, only like this.

They'd had sex so many times before this, sometimes rough and sometimes quick and hot and hard, but Sirius had never felt this desperation before. Soon Remus was no longer struggling against him but was responding, just as brutal and hungry as Sirius.

They found their way to the battered couch. The arm dug into Sirius's abdomen uncomfortably and his leg was twisted until his hamstring protested, but he barely noticed. He was only focused on Remus behind him, his breath hot in his ear, his hands hard on his body. It was intensity and heat and his body screaming… and before the end Sirius realized he hated sex this way. As soon as the thought blazed through his mind he froze, and just waited for Remus to finish. It didn't take long.

Remus pulled out, falling against the couch and panting for breath. Sirius eased down beside him. He pulled his robes around him, staring at a shelf across the room.

"Are you all right?" Remus asked, but his voice sounded strange.

"Yes," Sirius said, using someone else's voice as well. He'd never actually associated guilt and sex, but for the first time, he felt dirty. He didn't realize he was still staring at the shelf until Remus's arms were around him.

"Sirius, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We won't do that again."

Sirius blinked back to reality, to find Remus watching him intently, his eyes like shattered glass. "What?"

Remus wrapped his arms around him, and Sirius was surprised to find he was shaking. "I'm sorry." Remus buried his face in the crook of Sirius's shoulder.

"How did you know?" Sirius asked, his voice still distant. He imagined he was floating over them, looking down at their bodies huddled together on the couch. "I didn't say anything. I thought I was fine."

"Pads, I know you," was all Remus said.

They sat in silence for a while. Their bodies were warm and pressed together, but Sirius felt like they couldn't be further apart.

"Maybe you should go see James," Remus finally suggested in a small voice.

Sirius pulled away gratefully. "What will you do?" he asked.

"I'll stay here tonight." Remus looked around at the cottage. "It's cozy and it's…" he shrugged. "It's mine."

Sirius nodded tightly. "All right. Will you be home tomorrow?" He emphasized the word "home".

Remus looked up at him with a guilty expression, and huddled on the sofa, Sirius thought he looked very young. "Do you want me to be?"

"Don't be daft. Of course I do. I'll see you tomorrow, Moony."

"All right."

***

James didn't seem surprised to see Sirius stumble out of the fireplace. "Did you find him?"

"Yes." Sirius stood awkwardly, hands stuffed in the pockets of his robes as he looked around. "Where's Lily?"

"She went to bed." James put down the Daily Prophet and studied Sirius more closely. "You don't look so good, Padfoot."

"I don't feel so good," Sirius admitted.

James waved his wand and two glasses of whiskey appeared. Sirius took one gratefully, but as he took a sip, he found that he wasn't really thirsty for it.

"What happened?" James asked finally.

Sirius turned the glass in his hand, watching the light play off the amber liquid. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"A personal one?"

"Padfoot-"

"No, I mean, one about you and Lily."

James sat back and studied Sirius's face. "Of course. You know that."

Sirius kept his eyes fastened on his glass. "Have you ever had sex when, you know, you're really angry with each other?"

"Like, make-up sex? Of course."

"No. Not make-up sex."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I mean, we're not at an end or anything-"

"I never thought you were."

"Oh."

"Did you think you were?" James asked.

Sirius shrugged. "I suppose I deserved it if we were."

James's face tightened. "No, you didn't."

"James, I shouldn't have told you about what Remus is doing."

"But if he really loves you, then he should understand. Hell, he should have told us himself." Sirius opened his mouth to argue, and James sighed. "I understand why he didn't, so don't get all upset." James ran his hand through his hair. "My point is, there's no way it should have been the end of the road for the two of you."

Sirius nodded absently. "But I shouldn't-"

"But you did," James said. "And if Remus knows anything about you after all these years, he'd better know that you're an impulsive idiot. He knew what he was getting into when he signed on, and that's something he has to accept about you."

"You make it sound so black and white," Sirius scowled.

James smiled humorlessly. "From the king of black and white."

"I am not."

"Are too." James waved his hand dismissively. "That's why you're so wound up about this sex thing."

Sirius flushed. "You think?"

"I think. Did you tell Remus you didn't like it?"

"After, yeah."

"And his reaction?"

"He felt guilty," Sirius admitted.

"And you're acting like it's this big deal. Sometimes you try things you don't like in bed, Sirius."

"Thank you for the lecture, Loverboy."

"Look, you asked for my advice- that's it. Don't make the sex part of it more than it should be. You tried something you didn't like, so don't do it again."

"You really are a genius," Sirius scoffed. "Can I crash here tonight?"

"No."

The answer was so unexpected that Sirius blinked. "What?"

"No. Absolutely not. Go home."

"Why? Do you have hot sex planned?"

"No. I'm not letting you go to bed angry with Remus. Go home and find him, and even if it's not all worked out, sleep in the same bed."

"Remus isn't even coming home."

"He will. I'll bet you every Galleon I have he will."

"Prongs, you are a sentimental git."

"And I'm right. Get out of here."

"Fine. I'm going, I'm going," Sirius muttered, and Apparated home.

"Stupid Prongs," he muttered as he stood in the middle of the living room, staring at the couch. "Stupid idiot." Remus was probably still out at that blasted cottage. Remus didn't care. Remus was-

"Sirius?"

Remus was already here.

"Hi," he whispered.

Remus smiled grimly. "Sirius, come to bed. We'll talk about it in the morning, all right?" Sirius half-laughed. "What?" Remus asked.

"Let's just say I almost owe James money," Sirius said. "All right."

It was going to be all right.

On to Part 2

***

Comments

[aome.livejournal.com]

"Anything boys can do, girls can do better," Lily interrupted in a sing-song.

"Except write their names in the snow," Remus contributed helpfully.

This entire conversation was hilarious.

"Do you do fortunes?"

For a moment, Sirius thought that Peter's face looked very hard indeed.

I'm wondering what he was thinking then.

Such a painful series of moments for Remus. As if the poor boy hasn't had enough. And, wow, I'm actually mourning Regulus.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

I'm wondering what he was thinking then.

Hehe. Actually, I can answer that because I don't think it's too much of a spoiler, given that my Divination-Peter is pretty much standard. My Peter isn't a Seer, but he understands the science of Divination. He's very good at sorting through parlor tricks and what might actually be worthwhile, and very good at interpretting things because he is quite intuitive. He doesn't think much of "doing fortunes", though, although occasionally he'll read palms. When someone asks him something like that, he considers it a mocking of Divination, and of him for believing in it.

Such a painful series of moments for Remus. As if the poor boy hasn't had enough. And, wow, I'm actually mourning Regulus.

I know. I feel bad for Remus, but he does lend himself so well to torturing. :P But sadly, I think a lot of it fits into canon.

And I actually miss Regulus. I really liked him!

[aura218.livejournal.com]

What has Regulus ever meant to you?"

Awesome line. So, so awesome.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I was proud of that one :)

[rissabby.livejournal.com]

Whoa. This chapter was very, very heavy on Remus. Heavy as in adding to his burdens. *sigh* I only want good things happening to him, but it just never goes that way.

I did like Sirius thinking through what each of them have to 'put up with' to be together. Sounds very therapeutic. I think my relationships might benefit from a think-through like that...

I thought the birth scene was very realistic.
I did a home birth on a very hot July day (with no air-conditioning). I had medical help, but no pain reducing potions. You caught the sense of labor taking ForEver, but then things speed up and blur together, and then there's a Baby!

Thanks for the chapter. I actually gasped when I saw this at the top of Remus/Sirius. I think I'll go scan some of the early chapters again.

I noticed one of your commenters sounded like the story was new to her, and after reading this chapter she was now going to start at the beginning. It made me smile to think that after this chapter she would then be encountering Alex and Alex in the library.

[rissabby.livejournal.com]

hmm. don't know why I ended up in part 1. I thought I pressed the right button... something about pondering...
Obviously, my comment above is for part 1 and 2, and more of it addresses part 2. sry

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Unfortunately, JKR set the stage for Remus. Evil woman :) I feel bad for him too.

I'm glad you thought the birth scene was realistic! One of the reasons I've been so slow in updating is I had a baby last December (2005, not 2006), and writing with a baby is tough. The funny thing was I was considering giving Lily my birth story, but then I got into a conversation someplace about Wizarding births and we got talking about C-sections and why they'd be less likely in the Wizarding world, and how people could get around them, and how much more pleasent giving birth must be for Wizards.

Lucky Wizards indeed. I'd so much rather have a Pain Reducing Potion than an epidural, although I'm glad I had the epidural! (Made that emergency C-section much easier.)

Thanks for commenting! :)

[jazzonia.livejournal.com]

Like woah.

I say without a doubt that Accidentally in Love is the best fic I have ever had the pleasure to read; upon your update I read all chapters again, and subsequently cried and laughed and squee'd, you know, all those emotions that come with great fanfic.

A wonderful, wonderful job -- and not only this part, but for the whole series.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it! (And sorry this took so long- LJ didn't condenscend to notify me of comments and I missed it somehow. :P)

[yourssincerely.livejournal.com]

I haven't read this chapter yet - any day now, I will find some time to kick back and enjoy, I promise - but I was just wondering if this chapter was going to be posted on Astronomy Tower. I know the previous chapters are there because that's where I first stumbled upon this fic, and I just wanted to know if you were going to continue uploading on that site or not.

Can't wait to read this :)

[yourssincerely.livejournal.com]

Sorry this isn't going to be a long review - I have to run out quite soon and it took me longer to read than expected (I hadn't realized there was a part two!) But I just really want to say that this is one of the most brilliantly written R/S fics out there - heck, one of the most brilliantly written fics ever. I gobbled up this chapter - you weave all the little plots together beautifully and you portray each character so well, and your prose is simply stunning. I am blown away by this fic each time I read it (and I have read it several times over at Fiction Alley).

Though your cliffhanger is killing me, WONDERFUL job with this chapter, and if time is what you need to make the consequent chapters as wonderful as this one, take all the time you need :D

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much-I'm glad you enjoyed it! :) I've really had a lot of fun with it. And yeah- I did submit it to Fiction Alley, and plan to keep doing that with all the chapters. (I just tend to be slow submitting there, and it's always posted here first.)

Thanks again! :)