Parent frustrations.

[lls_mutant]

I swear to God, all I've done today is feed kids. If one's not eating, the other's... well, not eating, given that it's Toby and I spend more time trying to get him to eat than anything. But seriously. My day has gone: get up, nurse, get shower, nurse, give Toby breakfast (and eat something myself), nurse, quick go up and brush my teeth and then play with Toby for ten minutes, nurse during Sesame Street, watch the rest of Sesame Street, nurse, give Toby lunch, nurse, hold Trevor, nurse... Getting the idea?

Oh, I think there was a breakdown in there, too. Just exhausted and tired and lonely, and feeling even worse because after my parents visited when Trevor was born, I felt like I lost a major support. When they visited, my stepfather went on and on and on about everything we were doing "wrong." I'm nursing Trevor. (Both of them are opposed to this idea.) Howard needs to be firmer with Toby. Toby was throwing too many tantrums. (Never mind that he was up late constantly, had a new baby brother, his grandparents and dad constantly around, and was just generally grumpy.) Toby's eating is terrible. (Duh. If everyone thinks I'm so smart, why do they insist on informing me of the obvious?) Toby should be potty-trained right now, because it's SO much harder to have two in diapers. (Incidentally, it's not. It's more expensive, yes. But if Toby was as potty-trained as a two-year old boy could be, he'd be needing help wiping, either needing a potty seat cleaned out constantly or missing and spraying the bathroom, and probably telling me he had to go potty every time I picked up Trevor once he realized that that phrase is a guarantee of attention. How in the hell would that be easier than changing his diaper six times a day? And that's IF he potty trained.) We don't have his bed on the frame yet. He doesn't use a pillow. (Who fucking cares?) We use a family doctor as opposed to a pediatrician. And oh yes, Toby's a terrible eater.

ARGH.

It was more Bill than my mom, but when Bill made some comment (yet again) about Howard being upstairs trying to get Toby to settle down before bed for ten minutes, I snapped and said "He has to do what's comfortable for him" and then left the room to call my doctor. Perfectly polite answer, I think, but Bill was apparently all offended and didn't speak to me the rest of that day or the next one. My mom wanted me to apologize before they left, even though she knew I WAS being polite and reasonable and DAMN IT! I was tired of our parenting ability (and especially my husband) being criticized in our house for a solid week. I never did manage to apologize- I just couldn't do it. I DID sincerely thank him for all the help he gave us, because I truly agreed with that statement. But why should I apologize for politely defending a parenting choice? If I took ALL of Bill's advice, I'd be changing doctors, changing how I feed my child, starving out a two year old in the throes of his biggest life change EVER, and trying to potty train a child that, frankly, isn't quite ready for it.

Anyway, during my discussion with my mom she did manage to sneak in the comment that Bill had some valid points. That hit harder than anything. I mean, some of the things he was saying I don't agree with at all. (As I said, who cares if Toby uses a pillow? EVER?) Some of the things I CAN see his point, but it's not black and white. Excellent example: pediatrician vs. family practitioner. We've actually been quite happy with our doctor, and I picked a single-doctor family practice for a reason. I go to a multi-doctor practice for OB/GYN, and I'm not crazy about being seen by a different doctor every time. I'd much rather the same doctor sees the whole family, and always sees the kids. But that doesn't mean that seeing a pediatrician is wrong, either. There are advantages and disadvantages to both approaches, and you really have to pick what's right for you. And some of Bill's points I did agree with. Believe me, I feed Toby 2-3 meals a day, every day. I KNOW he's a crappy eater. Some of it is Toby, and some of it is our fault, but it's going to be a long hard road to get him to eat better and it's not something I want to discuss every day for the next six months. And I REALLY didn't appreciate him saying that Toby was "messed up" or that if he invited a kid to his house and he acted like Toby does at meals, he wouldn't invite him back. (Yeah, and that might be WHY we haven't taken Toby out to dinner since he got off baby food and why we don't go visiting socially unless the people are prepared for Toby, and bring his food with us. He's TWO, for crying out loud. His social calender isn't exactly swinging.) But yeah, Mom pointed out that Bill had some valid points, which instead of making me feel like everything was okay, made me feel like she thought he had the right to sit there and criticize our parenting in our own home.

And worse, it made me feel like I can no longer blow off steam by talking to her about any frustrations I have.

The worst is I can't talk to her about the two biggest things. One is the nursing. It's getting easier, but it's still more exhausting than I ever would have believed, and can be very lonely at 3:00 in the morning. We supplement with two bottles right now, so Howard can feed Trevor and can give me some night relief. And Howard's always told me that whatever I decide is what's right for us, and although he really thinks we should do this 2-6 months, it's not worth my sanity if it comes to that. And just him saying that means a lot, really. But it still is such a burden in that I MUST feed Trevor. A lot of times, hey- it wouldn't matter if I was nursing or bottlefeeding. Howard's at work (or traveling), or it's after 3:00 in the morning, which is my shift. There often isn't a choice in the matter regardless. But I can't talk to her about that, or any pain, or just anything about it because all she'll do is tell me to give up the nursing and bottlefeed. Not that there's anything wrong with bottlefeeding- hell, I'm a huge supporter of it. But I've made this decision and she should respect it, rather than judging me on it. And if I DO decide to give up before 6 months (I will ride it out another month for sure), I don't want to be hearing "I told you so." Or if Trevor has ear infections, I don't want to be hearing, "see? You should have just bottlefed anyway. All that breastfeeding propaganda is hooey." Sure, I think some of it IS. But some of it (especially the antibodies and the calories things) is not.

The other thing I just can't talk about anymore is Toby and food. She thinks I should starve him out. That's what the doctor says, too. We tried a couple of times. Toby went over 36 hours without eating a thing, and Howard couldn't handle it. Truthfully, I couldn't really, either. And I REALLY couldn't handle Howard feeling guilty about it- he shouldn't have to go through that. There has to be another way, even if it takes longer. Plus, if you talk to experts, there's no one agreed upon strategy. For example, a lot of experts will agree that crying it out will work for a child to learn to go to sleep. They may not agree with it, but they'll often agree it works. Or at least a lot of them will. However, no one seems to agree about eating, and in fact, many experts argue AGAINST any variation of starving a kid out. Howard and I want to eventually talk to a professional- either a pediatrician or a nutritionist or some sort of therapist, but there are a couple of behaviors we want to correct first that we do have more control over and should be pushing, like Toby feeding himself.

And, of course, my parents are coming on Monday to help while Howard's away on his first trip. This could be really good or really bad.

I don't know. I'm not going to resolve anything here, and it's time to nurse again anyway (big shock), but I just needed to vent. Like I said, it's just been one of those days emotionally and I am going bonkers.

But in the end, we shall survive and everything will be fine. We're hardly unique in our situation, and billions of other families have survived the transition just fine. We will, too.

But I can't wait to get there.

Comments

[aome.livejournal.com]

a) *hug*
b) Let me know when you're ready for some adult company, and I'll trek down to visit
c) I, for one, think that it's awesome you're nursing Trevor, and if you need support, I know someone (on LJ - she's also a college friend of mine) who is involved with La Leche League and could probably offer tons of advice and support you're not getting elsewhere. Would you like contact info?
d) Remember what I said, about wanting to jump off a bridge for the first month or so after acquiring the second child? Hang in there, it'll get better. Really.
e) I got your card - thanks!
f) *hugs again*

[ignipes.livejournal.com]

Sorry you're having such a frustrating time lately. You're an amazing mother, and you're absolutely right to do what feels best for you and your family, including ignoring advice that is giving you more pain than comfort.

*hugs*

[misscake]

*huge hugs*

Nursing is very demanding and frustrating, especially if you don't have a support source to turn to. But it really DOES get better and easier. Definitely look up your local La Leche League - they are a great resource.

And my mother did a lot of those same things to me - mostly because she did not breastfeed and did not understand. She also would make comments about how well my son would eat with her when he wasn't eating for me.

Would you feel comfortable telling your mom and stepfather that you really appreciate their assistance with things like bathtime but that you and Howard have made your parenting decisions and unsolicited "advice" feels more like criticism? I finally had to do that with my mom and it helped curb some of her comments.

*more hugs*

[lazy-neutrino.livejournal.com]

made me feel like she thought he had the right to sit there and criticize our parenting in our own home

I'm afraid I think your mum is completely out of order here. There are ways to offer advice and support, and I think that's what she's trying to do, but in the wrong way. You're doing fine. Absolutely fine, though it sounds like a bloody nightmare to me, and I really admire you for it.

My sister nearly strangled her partner when she had her second. He was much less supportive than Howard seems to be. Except that to strangle him I think they might have had to be speaking to each other and things had got so bad that he didn't know she wasn't speaking to him.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Actually, with the nursing it's just more an ear to listen when I'm tired. It's going really well, it's just... exhausting. ::Sigh:: But if I have questions, I'll ask you for the contact info. Thanks!

And you were so right (not that I doubted you). I will be so glad when we're a little further along.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much. I really appreciate it. (Seriously. It means so much just knowing people are listening.)

[busaikko]

** massive hugs to you **

I have two boys, 4 years apart, both breastfed (until 3 years and 2 years). Absolutely nothing you are doing sounds wrong at all. Breastfeeding consumes time like nobody's business; boys DO NOT get the hang of potty training until around age 3, and summer is best for toilet training anyway because they can go around without pants. (OLD PEOPLE, in my case in-laws, do not understand that modern paper diapers/diaper services, if that's what you use, make diapering SO EASY. My mother in law tried to potty train my son when he was 4 months. Over a newspaper. Did not work!) I applaud you on keeping calm and not lashing out -- how horribly frustrating!

Also, about your son's eating, I'm not sure what people are on about, but starving a kid sounds... bad. Scientific studies (in some baby book I had--Penelope Leach?) show that kids are generally self-regulating. They eat what they need. Even if it doesn't seem like a lot to adults. So long as you are not serving up Ding-Dongs (and I realise I don't know you, but you don't *seem* the type, being -- from what I read -- a very sensible, loving mother after my own heart), grazing and/or picky eating will never, ever damage a kid (based on my kids and those of my friends... I can give you plenty'o'anecdotes!). Forced eating and/or starving, on the other hand, seems kind of guaranteed to give you more trouble in the end (like food hoarding, or tantrums, or obesity, or what have you).

When your parents come, my suggestion is that you either hand them this post or tell them exactly what is written here, and let them know that help is fine but advice is not. Not right now. You are doing what *you want to do* and not causing any harm to either of your children, and that needs to be respected.

Good luck! *more hugs* (and if you ever need to vent or whatever, my email is busaikkobaby atmarkyahoo dotcom.)

... we are working on getting our 9-year-old out of our family futon. If you ever need a fun fact to make your inlaws blow a gasket *g*

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thank you- especially for the phrasing there. It's exactly what I want to say if they don't back off next time. Especially the word "unsolicited", because they've also given lots of GREAT advice.

Thanks!

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! And you're right- Howard is incredibly supportive. Even in the land of good husbands, he stands out :) I wouldn't do this otherwise! :)

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

Is Trevor going through his three-week growth spurt? I swear, it's like the kid never leaves your breast. If so, he should go back to his regular feeding schedule in a few days. Breastfed kids go through feeding frenzies around 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months and 6 months, where it seems like all they do is eat. All you can do is let him eat and ride it out.

Yeah, with Toby, the worst thing to do is fight with him re his eating habits. You could try sneaking food past him, that's OK. *g* And potty-training--oy.

And your parents... it's OK if they don't agree with you, but IMHO they still should be supporting your parenting decisions, because you are doing what you think is best, and that should trump everything. I wonder if one reason why they're so against breastfeeding, is because they feel left out of the feeding. Anyone can feed a bottle, but only the mom can breastfeed. My MIL felt like this when I nursed my daughter. At any rate, maybe you need to tell your mom what you said here, that you need her support, not her criticism, and that you hope she'll be there.

It does get better, honest. The first few weeks are always the most hectic, is all. (((hugs)))

[wickedevra.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* Sorry for all the stress. You really need your mom to just support and encourage you, I'm sure. If it helps, I was the fussiest child on earth; my mum gave up trying to make me eat a single fruit or vegetable, and I seem to have survived ok ;)

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

I'm not a parent and I know less than zero about kids, so I'll just offer some hugs. I know you're doing the best you possibly can! *hugs*

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks- you just gave me a much needed smile! :) (It would so make my parents blow a gasket, so I might use it. It would divert my stepfather for a while, I think!)

Yeah, we don't give Toby junk (he'd eat nothing but cookies, yogurt, and oatmeal if I let him, I'm sure), but he does insist on the same 15 or so items, many of which ARE sweet. (Granola bars, apple sauce, blueberry muffins, etc.) The doctor says it's toddler imperialism, which I believe, but getting out of it... eek.

Thanks!

[sasha-davidovna.livejournal.com]

I only have a few minutes as we're out the door to a family dinner soon, but just wanted to send hugs your way as well. It sounds like Trevor may be going through a growth spurt and if so, he should be back to normal in a few days, but I well remember the days when it seemed like I was attached to her 100% of the time, and I didn't have another one running around needing attention either! Do what seems right to you - you have great instincts, imho - and try to not let the criticism get to you. Toby and Trevor are healthy and happy, that's what matters.

♥

[mysid.livejournal.com]

HUGS!

It will all get easier, I swear--at least the feeding situations will. Your mom and stepfather, on the other hand... [sigh]. I find that parents tend to get defensive when we make choices they didn't (like breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding) and defend their own choices in the guise of "offering advice".

Stick with the breastfeeding; it will get easier. When babies go through a growth spurt, it does seem like they eat constantly, but as soon as your boobs catch on--"Oh, make more milk? OK."--you'll start to get more free time between feedings.

One of my favorite parts about breastfeeding: I could sleep during the 3 am feeding! I just lay with the baby beside me (within the crook of my arm), got her latched on, and went to sleep. (You can't do that bottlefeeding!) Whenever she finished, she just fell asleep too. I wasn't sleep deprived at all. And no, there was no risk of rolling onto her. The way my arm was around her, it wasn't possible.

As for Toby--don't sweat the picky eating. No child will starve himself. If he's eating less than people think he should, then they're just expecting him to eat too much.

My son was three--almost four--when he got the hang of the potty.

Hugs again!

[busaikko]

We bought a bed just so my mother could feel that we weren't warping him psychologically, though he doesn't want to sleep there. (Er... but perhaps we haven't mentioned to her that we all bathe together. My friends say their teenaged sons still join in the family bath. For more familial gasket-blowing!)

My friend's elder son ate pretty much nothing but sausages, rice, cucumbers, and beans for the first seven years of his life. He was a tiny little thing, and her mother in law tried desperately to fatten him up. At around age 8 he started eating all on his own, and now (at age 10) looks like a little rugby player. A few months of apple sauce has never killed a child yet, as far as I know! You and he will both survive, and keeping on an even keel is much more important, IMO. Good luck!

[minnow-53.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a stressful time, just when you need the most support. :( One random point, if it helps: in England, we don't even have the choice of a pediatrician as an everyday doctor: it's a GP or nothing. And most kids do just fine on it!

The nappy decision is the same one I made, btw! Yes, it is easier, and it does absolutely no harm. Avoids extra pressure, keeps everyone happy: what could be more desirable at a time of maximum stress? It's easy to potty train a child who hasn't been forced into it: he/she will pretty well train him/herself, in fact.

This awful time will pass, even if it feels like forever. Just hang in there. The main thing is that you and Howard are solid, so try to grit your teeth and ignore your parents as much as you can. Parents always disappoint. That's what they do! Just tell yourself that you'll never treat your own two like that. :D

*many, many hugs*

Edited to remove awful grammatical error! :/

Kids

[(Anonymous)]

Hi! I'm a lurker who loves your fics and has been reading your motherhood comments. (I also love "For Better or For Worse.") I've never commented before so you don't know me but I just had to add my 2 cents worth here. My older daughter stopped eating when she was 12 months old. I stopped nursing around then and she drank toddler formula, but quit that cold turkey by 20 months and didn't drink milk. As far as I can figure out she lived on Laughing Cow cheese cubes. She is now 14, won't eat anything I cook as a matter of principle, and beats most of the high school freshman guys arm wrestling. My younger daughter is 6 and lives on drinkable yogurt. So my advice on food is, have the good foods around and hope they eat them, don't have the junk in the house, and relax. When they start school, always buy the school lunches because it's much less stressful not to see whatever you've sent in the lunchboxes come home uneaten. It's worth the money! Stop thinking that Toby isn't a good eater. Remind your relatives and yourself that Toby eats what his body tells him he needs and if he isn't destined to be a hulking 40 pounder at age 3 that's the way it is. I left a pediatrician when he obsessed over weight gain with my baby while ignoring that my entirely healthy 8-year old weighed all of 44 pounds at the time.

Potty training means you have to work to a little kid's schedule. Diapers are on your schedule. Keep Toby in diapers for a while!

Family doctors are great. We moved when my teenager was 5 and I've never found a doctor since then that I liked as much as the family doctor we all went to then. It is so much easier when you all see the same doctor, especially when 2 or 3 of you get sick at once. Belive me, that time will come, even with kids who rarely get sick!

In a month or so nursing will seem so much easier that bottles. Especially when the baby starts catching the colds Toby brings home. Keep it up!

It can be tough to tell your relatives what they can do with their so-called "advice". Sometimes you just have to smile, nod and ignore them. But you sound like you're doing a great job and are a mother who is totally in tune with her children's needs.

Finally, 2 authors I recommend without reservation.

For sleep issues, if they ever arise, Dr. Mark Weisbluth (Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child - I think).

For sibling rivalry, difficult children and especially teenagers, anything by Dr. Anthony Wolf. Maybe you don't need him quite yet! He changed my life and saved my vocl chords.

Good luck and keep up the good work!

[(Anonymous)]

Keep up breastfeeding! I did it to my boy for nearly eleven month (until he started walking - I don't think breastfeeding and walking fit) and he turned out very healthy, no allergies, perfect weight. He is ten now, and we went through all these eating troubles. The solution in the end was (he was six when we started it) that he was allowed to choose one meal a week for the family, whatever it was (even if we all have to eat just sweet pancakes for dinner) if he promised to eat anything we decide to cook for the rest of the week. I mean of course it won't be just cabbage and asparagus and other things children find hard to accept, but it's a healthy, widely varied diet (and because we're German this means daily home cooked meals, with fresh vegetables, lots of fish, some organic meat and no prefabs). Maybe this could be a way for you, too.
Wish you good nerves with your parents, don't let it come too near to you!

Love Nicole

[hamsterwoman]

I just wandered in off aome's f-list, hope you don't mind random commenting from a fellow parent of two closely-spaced kids.

My daughter was a terrible eater as a toddler -- she would eat nothing but baby food and Cheerios and yogurt and berries until she was, like, two and a half (I think in her case it was some kind of texture issue with anything that was solid-but-not-crunchy, but who knows...) and there was just really nothing we could do. She turned out fine. She is still an excruciatingly slow eater with things she doesn't like, but as she got older she's expanded her repertoire of foods to include the weirdest things (she likes olives and onions, for instance), and it's gotten to the point where now (she's six and a half) eating is not a daily but only an occasional struggle. She even occasionally asks for more food! Starving a kid to combat picky eating seems rather extreme, especially if it doesn't even necessarily work. It is bound to work itself out, probably with fewer issues if you don't try to fight it too much.

(And food pickiness can totally be nature rather than nurture -- her brother will happily scarf down anything in sight before she's taken two bites. So it's almost certainly not something you guys are doing -- it's just the way your son is.)

As for potty training, if a kid's ready by two, that's great, but that's rather early, especially for a boy. My daughter potty trained in a couple of days at two, even with a new baby at home (and it was exactly as much of a pain as you imagine, getting interrupted to take her potty every 5 minutes, so no, not at ALL easier than two in diapers). My son wouldn't even think about it until he was past three, but once he was ready, he was ready -- he's never had an accident since, and was able to go for much longer between potty stops due to better bladder control at that point, which was definitely an added bonus. All of the boys in his preschool got potty trained around the same age, three plus/minus a few months. Definitely not something to stress about for a good long while yet.

I never had any arguments with my parents until I had kids, when suddenly I couldn't turn around without encountering another piece of unsolicited advice or criticism. It's something genetic apparently, some dormant need to dispense parenting advice triggered by becoming grandparents. It is incredibly annoying, and I have not come up with anything more clever to do with it than just try to ignore it and not interpret it as an insult to my intelligence, but *sigh* guess that's just the way things are.

Good luck with both kids and with your parents!