FIC: He That Believeth In Me (3/5)

[lls_mutant]

***

Sirius had never been in a Muggle hospital before, but the first thing he noticed was that the scent was the same as St. Mungo's. As he walked through the door he felt oddly comforted that Gabriel wasn't just feeding him a line. However, he could feel the distance between them, the awkwardness. But he tried to put it out of his mind. After all, they'd always known that what was going on between them could never be allowed to come to fruition, and it was better nipped now anyway.

Sirius had never met Gabriel's mother before, and she reminded him very strongly of Mrs. Pettigrew. She had some tube hooked to her arm dripping clear liquid into her, and a lot of machines that Sirius itched to examine more closely. She had a great smile and a great laugh, despite her wan face and nervous hands that betrayed just how much she had to fear.

They were telling her about the night they got drunk and went around blessing random passerbys on the pavements with holy water in squirt guns when the Patronus appeared. It was a phoenix, and Dumbledore's voice said, "Sirius, I need to see you immediately. Come to my office."

There was a long silence.

"Was that an angel?" Mrs. Graham said, her voice a soft whisper. "It must have been. An angel…"

Gabriel was staring at the place where the Patronus had been, his mouth hanging open. Sirius sighed and pulled out his wand. "I'm afraid I have to go. But if you'd both look at me… Obliviate." He did it carefully, gently. And then he Apparated away to find a Floo.

Dumbledore was waiting when Sirius arrived, dizzy and irritated. "You know," Sirius snapped, "it might be worth checking to find out if someone is dealing with Muggles before contacting them with a Patronus. If I hadn't had my wand with me, there would be two Muggles very convinced that God Himself just spoke to me and proclaiming a miracle in a hospital ward."

"But you wouldn't be out without your wand," Dumbledore said mildly. "Not after what happened to James."

"Look, just because you're right…" Sirius mumbled. He sat down. "What's happening?"

Dumbledore pulled out a scroll. "We've intercepted this from Death Eaters," he said. "I have reason to believe that it contains very crucial information about Voldemort's plans. However, the person who intercepted it for me can not break the spells that the sender put on it."

Sirius took the letter. "So, any particular reason you're asking me?"

Dumbledore twinkled at him. "If I recall, Mr. Black, you always were quite good at reading things that weren't meant to be read. According to Madame Pince, you managed to read most of the Restricted Section without her permission." Sirius inclined his head proudly, and Dumbledore sighed. "But beyond that, as you might guess, the sender was Regulus."

Sirius made a face. "You do know we haven't spoken since I ran away from them, right? That it's been years, and I don't have any special insight to my brother's mind? If I did, I'd understand what the hell he was doing in the Death Eaters."

"I realize that, but even that gap is better than anyone else can do."

"All right." Sirius cocked his head to the side and studied Dumbledore, who was playing with something that looked suspiciously like a cigarette lighter. "There's something else, isn't there?"

"Yes. That night James and Lily were attacked, you were out, am I right?"

"Yes."

Dumbledore clicked the lighter-device open and closed. "I would never presume to tell you whom you may and may not see, Sirius. It is neither my business nor my place, and I am certainly not one to advise in romantic liaisons, if that is indeed what it was." Sirius opened his mouth to angrily retort, but Dumbledore held up a hand. "However, I must caution you that your companion is a Muggle. You are a pure-blood wizard. I would just like to point out the danger that your friend may be in if you continue to be seen in public together."

"So you're saying-"

"I am not in any way saying to end the friendship, Sirius. I am merely suggesting it would be wise to limit your friend's exposure to the eyes of the wizarding world."

Sirius couldn't find anything to argue about that, and the thought of what the Death Eaters could do to Gabriel made his blood run cold. But then an even worse thought occurred to him. "Professor Dumbledore," he said slowly. "I've been offered a place in the seminary in September. It would mean living in the Muggle world, with them, in the same dorm. Does that mean…."

"You must do what you think is right, Sirius," Dumbledore said, which clearly meant I know what is right but you need to figure it out yourself.

Sirius sighed. For the first time, he began to wonder if God was giving him a loud and clear NO.

***

He was able to decipher the letter. It contained nothing of what he was looking for- no regret, no fear, unless that was carefully coded as well. Sirius had long fell out of understanding Regulus's secret language.

But it was only the beginning.

"Sirius, we need you here tonight."

"Sirius, we have word that the Death Eaters are going to attack the McKinnons."

"Sirius, we need your help to protect the Bones family."

"Sirius, there's another letter that needs to be worked out."

"Sirius, we need you today."

"Sirius, we need you."

He did everything Dumbledore asked of him, and he did it willingly. The threat Voldemort possessed to this world- what he could do if he ever was allowed to gain power- dictated that he could do nothing else. He had to do what was right: his whole soul demanded it, and he wouldn't change it even if he could.

But at the same time, he found himself lying.

"I'm sorry I missed class Father, but I was ill."

"I'm sorry this essay was late, but my friend was in terrible trouble and needed help."

"I'm sorry I couldn't make the study session, but my aunt died."

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there, but… oh, hell. Confundus."

It was a balancing act that couldn't last.

Dumbledore took him aside from an Order meeting two nights before he was to begin seminary. "Sirius, I understand that your commitment to the seminary is a deep one. But I need to know if I can rely on you, whenever I need you. Voldemort does not plan his attacks around your class schedule."

He'd known this was coming, but it still hit. Sirius stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked away. "I know."

"If you refuse, I understand."

Sirius shook his head. "It's just… well, it's not fair." He chuckled bitterly. "I'm sorry. I know that. But the priesthood isn't just something I wanted. It's something I honestly think God wants me to do."

"Yours is not the only life that will be put on hold, Sirius," Dumbledore said softly.

"I know," Sirius muttered. "Can I have a night to think about it?"

"Of course."

***

He rode through the night sky, because only up here could he find anything resembling peace.

It wasn't that he didn't know the answer. There was only one answer to give. It was just that he didn't know how to say it.

***

The Rector nodded. "I'm very sorry you won't be joining us this year, Sirius. I wish you the best, and we will pray for you." He extended his hand.

"Thank you, sir," Sirius said. "I hope… I hope that maybe, once this is all resolved, I can come back."

The Rector smiled. "I hope so, too. Will you be seeing Bishop Goodwin at all?"

"I believe so." To be honest, Sirius suspected Dumbledore wasn't giving him mornings off for Mass, but he'd make sure he found time. "He'll keep you updated."

"I'm glad. Go in peace, my child, and may God's blessing be on you."

It was hard to leave the classroom, to leave St. John's. It wasn't the place he'd been the happiest- nothing could compare to Hogwarts- but it was the place he'd felt the most at peace. He stared at it, refusing to admit that the image was blurry with tears.

"Sirius."

He turned to see Gabriel, and smiled, closing his eyes. "Hey, Gabe."

"I hear you're leaving."

"Word travels fast."

"Is it… is it because of…" Gabriel gestured futilely. "Because of us?"

Sirius shook his head. "No."

"Oh. I'm glad," Gabriel said, but Sirius thought he might have been lying.

"Just out of curiosity, what would you have done if I'd said yes?"

Gabriel whistled between his teeth. "I don't know," he admitted. "I really don't."

"Yeah. Me either. Guess that's why it's not us." Sirius grinned and picked up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder. "Listen, I can't explain why I'm leaving, so let's not draw this out. Just… send me a letter when you're ordained, yeah? I want to take Communion from you."

Gabriel smiled. "I'll do that."

He extended his hand and Sirius took it, and then they both pulled each other close into a one-armed hug. "Take care," Gabriel whispered. "And whatever it is you're doing, somehow I know that the right thing to say is be safe."

There was no such thing, but he didn't need to say that. Sirius just grinned. "I will be."

***

"So," Sirius said bitterly, "are you happy?"

Remus looked up, surprised. They were sitting by a lake, pushing a paper boat back and forth to each other. "Happy? About you leaving seminary? No."

"I thought you would be."

"I told you I'd get over that. I am over that." Remus sighed.

"You said that, but you never liked Gabe."

Remus just shrugged. "That's different. Look, Sirius, you and I will never see eye to eye on God. I don't want to see eye to eye on God with you, because if I do, well then, I just don't understand anything. But you are… you're one of my best friends. I want you happy. I want the best for you. And this past year, you have been happy. Really, truly happy. How could I not want this for you?"

Sirius closed his eyes. The sunlight warmed the back of his neck, and even with his eyes closed, it burst in on his consciousness. "Thank you."

When he opened his eyes, Remus was smiling at him with amusement and something else. "You're welcome."

***

"Here, Sirius." James dropped a packet in front of him, as well as a cup of hot chocolate to fight the chill in the air. "More letters from Dumbledore. Three this time."

"Oh, goodie." Sirius groaned. "He does enjoy tormenting me, doesn't he? Where's Lily? Tell her I'll address all her invitations AND listen to her talk about bridesmaids' robes for a full half-hour if she'll do this."

James chuckled. "Not on your life, buddy. This is your work, she's got her own."

"You must be desperate if you're willing to look at bridesmaids' robes," Remus observed.

"Talk about, not look at," Sirius clarified. "And yeah. One of them is from Regulus again."

"You know," James said, in his deliberate I'm-changing-the-subject voice, "speaking of the wedding-"

"We weren't," Peter pointed out helpfully.

"It's too bad you can't marry us, Sirius."

"James, are you asking me to engage in a threesome with you and your wife?"

Remus snickered and Peter burst out laughing. James flushed red. "That's not what I meant. I meant you leaving seminary."

The words were like poking at a half-healed wound, but Sirius ruthlessly pushed the pain aside. "First of all, I wouldn't have been able to even if I still was in seminary. Not being ordained, I can't perform any of the sacraments. Secondly, Lily never would have let me."

"Lily loves you!" James declared.

Sirius blinked a few times. "Prongs, you are aware that your bride to be is Anglican, and I am Catholic?"

"Anglican is like Catholic, right?"

"Oh, Merlin," Remus groaned, and dropped his head onto the table. "Even the atheist knows this one's going end badly," he said, his voice muffled by the wood.

"You know, though," Peter said thoughtfully, "that's a good question. Most of the English pure-blood families are Anglican. Why isn't yours, Sirius?"

"Funny, that. From what I can tell, centuries back one of the Siriuses married a Catholic girl. She had him by the short hairs, from what the portraits say, and got him to convert. And since part of the Catholic wedding ceremony involves promising to raise your children Catholic," Sirius continued, with a meaningful glance at James, "he did. Anyway, the Blacks eventually convinced themselves that Catholics were right to the exclusion of anyone else-"

"Something Catholics are very good at doing," Remus muttered.

"-And they basically acted like they were in this exclusive little club. They see themselves as being more enlightened than the masses of common Wizards who dare go to the Anglican Church. Besides, the Church's formation was partly steered by Muggle politics, and the Blacks would rather die than have anything to do with Muggle politics. At least, that's what I've been able to piece together. But that wasn't the point. They aren't the same thing, and Lily wouldn't want a Catholic wedding. Trust me."

James considered that. "You can still be best man though, right?"

"If you ever get off your arse and ask me to, yes."

"I didn't ask?" James blinked and then shrugged. "Oh. Padfoot, will you be the best man?"

"Of course."

"I did ask you guys to be groomsmen, right?" he asked Remus and Peter. They both nodded, smirking. But James was serious.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. I really thought I'd asked you."

"Hey, don't worry about it. I think it's kind of funny."

"I would, but…" James just shook his head. "A lot more on my mind than I'd like." He chewed on a quill. "I never thought I'd be planning security measures for my wedding." He chuckled. "Of course, I never thought I'd be planning a wedding anyway."

The conversation lightened from there, and for a little while it almost felt like they were back in Hogwarts working on their homework. But Sirius kept fingering the letter from Regulus. He didn't want to think about it, but it was impossible not to.

"I don't know why I get so worked up," he confided later to Remus. James had left to meet up with Lily, and Peter had gone home to squeeze in a couple hours of sleep before he met with the Prewett brothers to discuss some plans. "There's never anything in them that's worth getting worked up about."

"Hope?" asked Remus.

"I guess. But it's not like he knows we're getting any of these. There isn't going to be any secret coded message meant for me."

"I didn't know you wanted one," Remus said softly.

Sirius thought about that. His hatred of his family had been so vocal and so all-consuming, it surprised him too, now that he let himself think about it. "I didn't either," he admitted. "I don't know why I do. You and James and Peter are my brothers. But it's still…" he broke off, unable to continue because he couldn't find the words to explain what it all meant to him.

"He's still your brother," Remus said. "We are too, but we can't replace that, no matter how much you wish we could."

Sirius summoned a smile. "Are you sure you didn't take Divination, Moony?"

Remus returned the smile. "Load of rubbish," he said. "Listen, do you want me to stay while you do Regulus's letter?"

Sirius smiled gratefully. "Yeah. That would be good. Thanks."

***

Sirius didn't think about St. John's all the time. It wasn't that it was too painful, but that he was too focused on the task at hand. But at odd times, the memories came back to him.

James' and Lily's wedding was one of those times. He'd been running around all morning helping James, but found a moment to slip into Lily's dressing room.

"You look beautiful," he told her.

Lily turned around, her ivory dress robes fluttering. Her hair was captured up in some sleek, elegant style with little sparkly things decorating it, but the jewels were no match for her eyes. "Thank you, Sirius," she said. "You do, too."

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"Almost. Have you seen my sister? She's supposed to be helping me."

Sirius made a face. "What do you need?"

Lily turned around. "The sash needs tied. Would you…?"

"Of course." He carefully tied the length of fabric into the best bow he could manage, and then gave it a little help from his wand. "There." He put a hand on her shoulder and gently turned her around, and then kissed her forehead. "I'm glad you'll be my sister," he whispered.

"Me, too. Sirius, this might sound odd, but would you mind…?"

She didn't have to finish. He took his hands in hers and they both bowed their heads and closed their eyes. "Dear Lord," Sirius began, meaning to use a prayer he'd learned at weddings from his childhood. But the words felt too remote, too cold, and not… not enough. He tightened his grip on Lily's hands.

"Dear Lord," he whispered, "we ask you for your blessing on James and Lily, and on the life they are about to form together. Help them to love, to honor, and to respect each other, and to support each other in good times and bad. May their lives together be blessed and happy, and may you keep them safe in…" his voice faltered, and Lily squeezed his hands. "keep them safe in these dangerous times.

"God, there should be poetry and music and words to ask you all that I want to ask, to tell you how much this couple means to me. But there isn't. I can only hope you hear the prayers in my heart and bless them, because when you love two people like this, you can't bear to think of anything but the best for them. Amen."

He kissed her forehead, and Lily wiped delicately at her eyes. "Somehow, I don't think that's in the Catholic prayer book."

"Not in so many words," Sirius agreed. "But I meant every one."

***

It was raining out- a steady, cold autumn late winter rain that would turn the remaining snow to slush. Sirius spooned out the stew into two bowls, looking at it warily.

"It should taste all right," he told Remus, setting one bowl in front of him. "I mean, I've never made it before, but I can follow a Potions instruction set just fine. It's not that different."

"Quite a ringing endorsement," Remus laughed. He tore off a piece of bread and buttered it. "Where are James and Peter?"

"James is practicing his family man act, I believe. Something about painting the nursery. And Peter was meeting some guys from work for a drink. It's just you and me tonight."

"I'm glad," Remus said.

"Me, too." And he was. When they were in school, they'd had more time to spend together. But these days, with Remus looking for work and with constant demands on their time from the Order, their time together was rushed and harried. "What have you been up to these days?"

Remus brightened. "I have a new job," he said.

"Really? Where?"

"Marlene McKinnon offered me one, actually. She's got an eight year old daughter who was in Muggle primary school, but she wanted to pull her out because of Voldemort. But she can't get off her job at the Ministry- it's too important right now and anyway, she needs the money. So I'm tutoring."

Sirius grinned broadly. Remus looked happy and relaxed and hopeful. "That's fantastic," he said, and then thought about it a little more. "You know, you'd actually make a really good teacher."

Remus shrugged. "Too… I don't know. Sedate. I'd rather travel more."

That took Sirius by surprise, even though it shouldn't have, not after Remus's short-lived stint at Gringotts. He studied Remus carefully, wondering what else he wasn't seeing.

There was gray in Remus's hair. Just a strand here or there, but it was there. Gray in his hair and the tiniest etching of lines by his eyes. "You're going gray already," Sirius said bluntly.

Remus flushed. "I know," he said, running his fingers through his hair self-consciously. "It's a side effect of being a werewolf, or so I keep telling myself."

"Are you going to color it?" Sirius asked.

"Why bother?" Remus shrugged. "I don't really care, and it's not like I'm on the prowl, looking for romantic prospects."

With a start, Sirius realized he knew absolutely nothing about that side of Remus. "What ever did happen to your boyfriend, anyway?"

"Oh, that?" Remus laughed. "Sirius, that ended ages ago. About two weeks after you visited my flat. It was never anything serious, and I didn't want him figuring things out, anyway."

"Have you had any other boyfriends since? Or girlfriends?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'd rather not answer." Remus looked very uncomfortable.

"I won't judge you," Sirius promised.

"No. That's not what I'm worried about. Padfoot, can we just leave it? Please? It's the sort of thing that will bring up more problems than it's worth."

"All right."

"What about you, Sirius?" Remus asked. "Have you been seeing anyone?"

Sirius shook his head. "No."

"Have you ever been seeing anyone?" Remus asked, picking up his spoon. "Hey, this stew isn't bad. I'm impressed."

"Thanks. What do you mean, heave I ever been seeing anyone?"

"Have you ever actually had a relationship?"

Sirius shook his head. "There was almost something, but… I don't know. It just seems like asking for trouble."

"You're not in seminary anymore," Remus pointed out.

"But I want to go back when all this is over."

Remus chewed a bite thoughtfully. "Have you ever thought what would happen if the right person came along? If you did fall in love?"

Sirius thought about Gabriel, conjuring up his smile and the feeling of kissing him. For all that he'd been interested, when it came down to it, the choice had been simple. Not necessarily easy, but simple. "I can't. It's not just that it would make it so much harder to go back, but…" he picked up a napkin and scrunched it in his hand.

"But?" Remus asked, leaning in.

Sirius tried to say he was gay, but the words just wouldn't come. Remus raised his eyebrows and reached out and touched Sirius's hand with tentative fingers. "It's okay," he whispered. "You don't have to say it."

Sirius dropped his head into his hand. "Why can't I say it to you?" he asked. "I said it to James. I said it to Father O'Brien."

"Because you're made of defiance," Remus said with a sad smile. "You can take on the world. You revel in it. Actually having someone accept you… that's not easy, is it?"

"When did you become a psychologist?" Sirius said with bitter amusement.

"I didn't. I just know you."

Sirius left it. "Anyway. It's still a sin, and even if I never went back to the priesthood, I'd have to believe that."

Remus eyed him. "You'd have to believe that?"

"Okay. If I wasn't going back, I'd say fuck it and go ahead and do it anyway. But I am. And that's one thing I'm pretty sure the Catholic Church won't forgive. I may not agree with it, but if I'm going to be celibate anyway, I can deal with it. And then, once I'm in, I can start campaigning for change."

"Bring the Catholic Church down from the inside?

"To its knees."

"Well, that would make blow jobs easier."

It was a stupid joke, but they both cracked up anyway.

***

"What is it like?"

Remus looked up from the parchment he was reading. "Huh?"

"Sex," Sirius asked baldly. "What's it like?"

They were sitting in Remus's tiny flat, because Sirius didn't want to act as if his own was so much better, even though it was. The summer heat was nearly stifling, heavy and humid. Even the cooling charms they'd put on the place didn't help.

Remus sat back and chewed on his quill. "Well, you've had an orgasm before, right?"

"Yeah. Just never in company." Sirius considered that. "Unless you count you guys being in the room back at Hogwarts. But I'm pretty sure you were all asleep."

"Well, that's a part of it physically, I guess. But there's more to it. It's hard to explain. And then there's just the feeling of being that close and that intimate with someone else…." He shook his head. "I really can't explain it."

Sirius looked down at his feet and wiggled his toes. "This is going to be a stupid question, but how? I mean, I know the basics, I guess. But what's normal? What do people actually do, and what's just a wank magazine exaggeration?"

Remus looked nonplussed. "I haven't been with that many people that I could tell you what's normal," he admitted. "The best I can do is tell you what I've done and what I like."

"Well?"

Remus looked away and ran his hand over the back of his neck. "Well, there's always mutual masturbation," he said, his voice moving from trembling to clinical. "That's very non-threatening, and fairly direct. Oral sex. Oral sex is… powerful. I didn't think it would be, but it truly is, particularly when the partners give it simultaneously. And anal sex. That's… well, it depends if you are penetrating or receiving."

"Have you…?" Sirius asked, with a strange sort of fascination.

Remus shrugged one shoulder. "Received. Three times. The first time was, well, I won't lie. It hurt. But in an odd sort of way. It was incredibly intense, and once everything got going… Merlin. It was like nothing I've ever felt before." He turned his head so he was looking forward, but steadfastly avoided Sirius's gaze. "And I've only ever had one girlfriend, and it never got that far. All we ever did was kiss."

"Yeah," Sirius said. "That's all I've ever done, too."

Remus swung his head back sharply. "Gabriel?"

"Yeah."

"I knew it." Remus chewed his lip. "Have you seen him since you left seminary?"

"What?" Sirius's brow furrowed. "You know I haven't."

"Yeah. I know that. I-"

Before Remus could finish, a silver duck soared in the window. "Moony! Padfoot!" James's voice said. "Come quick! I'm a father! Hurry up, you've got to see him right away. I'm a FATHER!"

***

Babies were miracles. Sirius had always heard that and vaguely believed it, but he didn't understand it until he held James and Lily's newborn son in his arms.

"He's so tiny," he whispered, and he also understood why people said that. When you held a new life like this, a little miracle, your mind couldn't process it, and all you could come up with were silly statements of the obvious.

James beamed with pride, hovering just in case Sirius dropped him. "We're calling him Harry," he said. "Harry James."

Sirius touched the tiny fingers. "Hello, Harry James." Harry's fingers closed around his, and Sirius felt his heart swell to the point it might burst.

"Listen, I'm sure this won't be a shock to you, but would you be godfather, Padfoot?" James asked.

Sirius had known the question was coming, of course. He'd have to be stupid not to. But as he looked down at Harry, it took on so much more meaning, and his vision blurred.

"Of course," he said when he could speak. "I will."

***

The christening was tiny; just Sirius, James, Lily, and the Anglican priest. Not even Peter and Remus, who worried that their presence would make the gathering too large and attract too much notice from the Death Eaters. Dumbledore agreed with them and was also absent.

Sirius was perversely glad. It was much more intimate this way, much more… well, not meaningful, but it was the closest word he could find.

He and Lily had always shared the bond of faith, but James had never given anything more than lip service to religion. Sirius knew he had a vague belief that God existed and was good, but it never really went beyond that. But now, as he held Harry for the christening, James's head was bent and his lips moved in prayer, and there was something about his posture that told Sirius James was praying with all his heart.

***

The excitement of Harry's birth had pushed aside the conversation he'd had with Remus, but it didn't erase it. Sirius found himself thinking about it at odd times; at Order meetings, when he was reading a book, when he was playing with Harry, when he was trying to sleep. The last was easily the most difficult, because any other time he could convince himself it was a discussion of abstracts. In bed, his body responded to his thoughts and the temptation to masturbate became overwhelming.

The masturbating didn't bother him at all. He was willing to accept celibacy should he ever become a priest, but he also firmly believed there was a reason twenty-one year old young men were not priests, and that was because come on, there were limits to a man's self control. And he wasn't a priest right now, and if God didn't believe in a good wank, then he would have made the male body differently. Sirius thought that the Catholic Church (or its more conservative members) probably needed to indulge in what they despised on this one.

But thinking of men… thinking of sex with men, that was different. And yet, he couldn't stop, even as he told himself it was wrong. The images came unbidden, and the resultant orgasms left him sweaty and breathless, far more intense than they had been before.

And then, one night, he thought of Remus.

He shouldn't. As far as he was concerned, thinking of Remus like that should be thinking of Regulus like that. But it wasn't. He could see Remus's face above him, feel Remus's hands against his skin. He couldn't really imagine more, but that was enough.

***

The sun setting did nothing to reduce the heat. There was no breeze, no movement in the humid air. Sirius sat back from his desk, brushing his sweat-damp hair out of his eyes.

The letter was the first one they'd intercepted from Regulus in months, and for some reason it was harder to crack. Regulus had used a different spell, and whatever it was, it was tricky. He glanced at the clock: two thirty in the morning.

"All right," he said out loud to the empty flat. "One more try, then I'm going to bed."

He would never admit that he was a little surprised that he found the right spells this time, because that would have to admit that he doubted his own brilliance, and that wasn't on. But this time, the words swam in front of him. Sirius grinned.

His grin slowly drained off his face as he read the letter. He jumped to his feet and ran to the fireplace.

***

"Remus! Remus, wake up!"

"Hungh?" Remus rubbed at his eyes with one hand and propped himself up on an elbow. Sirius noticed that he wasn't wearing a shirt, but the letter in his hand outweighed that fact. "Sirius? What are you doing here?"

Sirius sat down on the bed, the springs squealing in protest. "It's Regulus," he said. "Here. Look at this."

Remus rubbed his eyes again and sat up fully. Sirius handed him the letter.

I'm going to do it. I hope you do the same, before you get in too deep. Good luck.

Remus's eyes scanned the letter several times. "Merlin's beard," he whispered. "He's…."

"We've got to find him," Sirius said urgently. "We've got to help him."

"Sirius," Remus said slowly, "how are you going to help him?"

But Sirius had already thought of that. "Someone like Voldemort won't take desertion lightly. We'll get him to Dumbledore for protection, and then we'll work things out from there. We can do it, Moony. We can save him."

In his excitement, Sirius didn't notice the sadness in Remus's eyes.

***

They Apparated to Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Sirius had never wanted to enter his family's home again, but with stakes like these, he was willing to try.

Remus watched the house appear with his head cocked to the side. "It's not what I expected," he admitted.

"What were you expecting?"

"More cobwebs in the windows, peeling paint and a spiked fence around the place. Your typical haunted house type of stuff."

"Remus, my family doesn't exactly think of themselves as evil and put up signs. Most people don't."

"Voldemort's followers are called Death Eaters."

Sirius sighed. "Touché. Well, don't die laughing when we go in, because I think the inside might live up to your expectations a bit more."

They walked up the front steps. Sirius went to open the door, but the door swung open before he could touch it, and a withered, ugly face looked up at them accusingly.

"Mistress says to go away," Kreacher informed him. "Filth such as yourself is not welcomed by my Mistress."

"I'm not here to see your precious Mistress," Sirius sneered. "I'm here to see Regulus."

Kreacher drew back as if Sirius had slapped him. "Master Regulus is not here!" he shouted, and he slammed the door.

Sirius stepped back and looked at Remus for guidance. Remus shrugged.

"If he's leaving the Death Eaters, it's not very likely he'd come home, is it?" Remus asked. "That's the first place they'd think to look for him."

"I guess," Sirius admitted. "But I don't know where else to look for him."

"I'll help you," Remus promised.

***

All the help in the world couldn't have helped. Sirius could admit that objectively, but when he saw the obituary in the newspaper the next morning- confirmation that Regulus had been dead already when Sirius had read the note- he couldn't believe it.

His brother was dead. Sirius had never known it would hurt this much.

***

"To Regulus!" James said, holding up a bottle of beer.

"To Regulus!" Peter slurred, clinking his against it.

The four of them had gathered in Sirius's flat. Both James and Peter had seen the obituary and come without Sirius's invitation, but he was grateful that they were there.

"To Regulus," he said, and drank deeply. "I should say something meaningful," he said. "I should be able to sum up his life or to honor him or something. I'm going to be a fucking priest, for God's sake. That's what I'm supposed to be good at. But I can't think of a thing. Not a single fucking thing."

"Padfoot, no one's expecting a eulogy right now," Remus said.

"Except Sirius," James pointed out. "Do you have any idea what happened to him?"

"He wanted to leave Voldemort's service," Sirius said. "It seems out of character."

"Not really," Peter mused. "I can see where Regulus- being a Black and all- agreed with the whole idea of pure-blood super… superness… no. Superty."

"How much have you had to drink, Wormtail?" Remus demanded crossly.

Peter ignored him. "Superiority," he managed. "And your family. They must have pressured him, too. And he was probably thinking just wave his wand at a few people and threaten them and walk around in menacing-looking robes and masks and people would fall into line like that." Peter tried to snap and failed miserably. "But then he probably found out what working for the Dark Lord really entailed. What he'd have to do. And he got scared and chickened out and decided to run away." Peter finished and took another long pull at the bottle. The other three watched him with concern.

"I think that's enough, Peter," James said.

Peter groaned and dropped his head into his hands.

James gave him a disgusted look and then turned back to Sirius. "Have you gone to see Bishop Goodwin?" he asked. "Maybe Regulus said something in Confession."

Sirius shook his head. "Even if he did- which I doubt, Regulus was never very devout- anything revealed in Confession is sacred. He's not going to just tell me, 'hey, yeah. Your brother said he was a Death Eater."

"I think you should go and see Bishop Goodwin anyway," Remus said. "Don't Catholics say Masses for the souls of people who have died?"

Remus's words were like air to a drowning man. They gave him some sense of clarity, something real he could do. Sirius smiled at him gratefully, and Remus smiled back.

And Peter threw up.

"Oh, for crying out loud, Peter!" James complained. He pulled out his wand and vanished the mess, much to Sirius's relief. "Come on. Let's get you home." He turned and rolled his eyes at Sirius and Remus. "I'll see you guys later."

"Are you coming back after you get him home?" Sirius asked hopefully.

James looked at the clock and shook his head. "No. Sorry, Padfoot, but I should get home to Lily and Harry."

"You're right," Sirius agreed manfully. "See you later."

As they left, the flat seemed quieter. Sirius got up and used the bathroom, and then grabbed two more beers for himself and Remus."

"Thanks," Remus said, taking the proffered beer. Sirius sat down beside him. "Are you feeling any better?"

"I guess. It's odd, really. We weren't close."

"But that doesn't make it any easier," Remus said sympathetically.

"No." Sirius sighed. "It does make my head hurt though."

Remus wisely took the hint and changed the subject. "James seems like he's holding up pretty well. I hear Harry's still not sleeping through the night."

Sirius chuckled. "I guess that might not come for a while, yet. I'm surprised Lily let him out of the house."

"She probably kicked him out in hopes of getting a little time to herself. He has been hovering. But I'm betting that's why he didn't bat an eyelash at Wormtail getting sick all over him," Remus hypothesized. "Peter never could hold his liquor."

"Lightweight," Sirius agreed. "Not like us." Although he was feeling a bit light and floaty, but in a good way. A very good way.

Remus slumped down on the couch next to him. Their arms were touching, and Sirius could feel the warmth of Remus's body through their thin robes. His arm was warm and solid and strong. Sirius swallowed.

"Remember that time we went to that Muggle pub?" Remus was asking. "We were just a week out of Hogwarts, and we hand to, erm, convince the barman we were of age because we didn't exactly have IDs, and Peter looks like he's about fourteen anyway."

Sirius made noises of agreement as Remus rambled on, but he was really watching Remus's foot. It was long and slender, arched against the table. The alcohol blurred his mind enough that he couldn't process consequences.

He leaned over and kissed Remus.

Remus stopped talking mid-sentence, his eyes flaring open with shock. Sirius saw them because his own eyes were opened. They stayed there for a long minute, not so much kissing as joined at the lips, staring at each other. Then Remus gently pulled away.

"Not tonight," he said quietly, his voice trembling. "Not tonight, Sirius."

"Why not?"

"Because you've had a shock, and you're hurting." Remus sighed. "Don't mistake me, Sirius. I'm willing. I'm more than willing, believe me. But not tonight, when it would feel like taking advantage of you."

Sirius nodded.

"If you think about this for a while, and this is still something you want, let me know," Remus said. He smiled, leaned in, and kissed Sirius on the lips. "I'll be here."

***

Think about it, Remus had told him. That was easy enough- Sirius couldn't stop thinking about it.

It was odd in some ways. Of course he'd thought about sex before, and a lot. But most of his fantasies had been vague, nameless faces and bodies and feelings, or absurd- the sorts of fantasies that were fun to think about, but no one really wanted to come true because the reality would be horrible. There was safety in those sorts of fantasies.

Safety. When Sirius realized that, in the middle of a plan Dumbledore was describing to some members of the Order, it brought him up short. Safety implied fear.

Sirius Black was scared of sex? Impossible.

He couldn't talk to James about it. James would laugh his arse off. He obviously couldn't talk to Remus. And talking to Peter was akin to talking to your grandmother about sex. You couldn't, because they might actually offer good advice and then you'd have to face the fact that they'd had sex and that was just wrong.

It took until mid-October, when the leaves were dancing in the swirling wind and the air was crisp with the smell of cold and bonfires. Then he finally was able to nonchalantly stay after Sunday Mass one morning, helping Bishop Goodwin tidy up.

"Although why I need help is beyond me," Bishop Goodwin admitted. "We've never had many parishioners to begin with, and fewer and fewer are willing to venture out in these dark times. I've never seen attendance at Sunday Mass so low."

"You'd think people would be here," Sirius mused. "Aren't times of fear and crisis supposed to bring out devotion?"

"Yes, but when the very act of leaving your house could expose you to an attack, praying at home becomes a more appealing option. I hope we haven't reached the point where those in the congregation are Death Eaters."

"I'm here," Sirius pointed out.

Bishop Goodwin looked at him with a mock stern glance. "You're Sirius Black. The danger only makes it more appealing to you. You're like a fictional paladin, going into war with prayers to God on your lips."

It was a description that pleased Sirius to no end. He grinned. "You know me too well."

"Indeed I do. Now, my son, what are you here for? You only ever stay until everyone's gone if you have something to talk about."

Sirius sighed. But since Bishop Goodwin had guessed, he might as well dive right in. "I have questions about sex," he said, not bothering to couch it in pretense.

Bishop Goodwin smiled. "I'm not surprised. Shall we adjourn to my study?"

Bishop Goodwin's study was the same as it had been all of Sirius's life, with a polished wood desk, deep, comfortable maroon chairs, and a Hufflepuff banner in the corner. "Interesting question," Bishop Goodwin said as he began setting out the makings of tea. "If Jesus went to Hogwarts, what House do you think He'd be in?"

Sirius thought about it. "I'm not sure," he admitted.

"They all fit, don't they?"

"Not Slytherin."

"Really?" Bishop Goodwin raised his eyebrows. "Oh, that's right, you're a Gryffindor. And a rebel Black, for that matter. So let me remind you that the defining House trait is not pure-bloodedness or bigotry, but ambition."

"Still doesn't fit," Sirius said.

"I don't know. I'd call someone who stared off with twelve devoted followers and ended up with billions world wide, spanning over two millenia quite ambitious."

Sirius blinked. "I never thought of it before."

"Most people don't. I remember shocking Father Silas with that one. I believe he made me say a few Hail Marys after I said that." Sirius chuckled, and Bishop Goodwin went on. "Most people forget that priests are not divine beings of God who grew up with ambitions of being saints, but ordinary men called on to minister to others. We have lives, and we've done things that most people don't picture priests as doing."

"Like having sex," Sirius said with a smirk.

"Like having sex," Bishop Goodwin agreed.

"Have you had sex?" Sirius asked.

"I would be lying to say I have not," Bishop Goodwin said, handing Sirius a cup, "but I don't think that that's the matter at hand."

"Well, it's related," Sirius said. "I still want to go back to seminary. Very much. And once Voldemort-"

"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," Bishop Goodwin corrected sternly.

"Fine, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," Sirius said, barely refraining from rolling his eyes. "Once he's defeated, I will return. But at the same time… there's this… this friend of mine. I didn't realize I had feelings for them, but I do. Strong ones. And they feel…" Sirius had to stop, because he didn't know how Remus really felt about him, versus how he felt about sex. "Well, they feel something, too."

Bishop Goodwin took off his glasses and twirled the ear piece. "I see," he said at length. "Sirius, I believe you must use this time away from Seminary to explore your feelings."

Sirius pulled back. "What, actually have sex?"

Bishop Goodwin looked at him levelly. "Sirius, you're one of the brightest lads I've ever met. I am a Catholic priest. Do you truly believe I am counseling you to have premarital intercourse?"

"No, sir."

"Very well, then. I am not counseling you to have intercourse. But," Bishop Goodwin held up a finger, "I do think you need to consider what you truly want in life. You intend to become a priest, yes. But you have taken no vows at this point. If you decide that you want a wife and a family, there is no sin in you changing your mind and pursuing that course. It does not mean giving up God, or even a life of service. If you take your vows, you need to go into them with your eyes open, knowing your options and choosing this because it is what you truly believe, and what you truly feel called to do."

"I do want it," Sirius insisted.

"I believe you. But I also know that you are twenty-one. You are very young, and you come from a family that has undoubtedly given you an… interesting perspective on love." Bishop Goodwin smiled. "It's not a Godly thing to admit, but if I grew up with your mother, I would fear all women myself."

"I've never had a girlfriend," Sirius admitted.

Bishop Goodwin smiled, but the smile faded fast. "And that does concern me, Sirius. It makes me wonder how educated of a choice you are making. And perhaps God has a different plan for you. Perhaps He's giving you a different opportunity."

"He might be, but it's my choice as to which ones I take," Sirius pointed out.

"All the same, I encourage you to seriously consider these feelings you are having," Bishop Goodwin said. "They may lead to something you want more."

Sirius nodded, looking down at his fingers. "And… and if I decided to have sex?"

"Well, I can't stop you. But I would put forth the idea that God did not make His rules to make us miserable; He made them because He truly knows what's best for us."

"But it wouldn't be an unforgivable sin."

"I'm not going to grant you absolution, Sirius. One would hope that if you know something is a sin, you would do your best to resist temptation." The bishop rubbed his eyes. "Confession ahead of time does not grant you the right to go ahead and do it anyway."

"I'm sorry."

Bishop Goodwin pulled himself together. "Sirius, millions of young men and women have struggled with exactly what you're struggling with right now. Chastity is not easy, not when you are in love. I will say that priests have had premarital sex before taking their vows, you would neither be the first nor the last. But again, what I most encourage you to do is to consider what you really want for your life. God is giving you an important sign; be sure you read it correctly."

***

It was a whirlpool of sin and desire, wants and dreams. Sirius couldn't make sense of it. After a while, he stopped trying.

***

"Sirius," Lily said on Christmas Eve, "I have a big favor to ask of you."

"Anything, Lily, you know that." Sirius was sitting on the floor, dangling a teddy bear for Harry, who was clumsily grabbing at it. "Want me to go out and slay the bad guys? Rescue your manly husband from distress? Or just get a quart of milk?"

"Actually, it's worse than any of that," Lily said solemnly.

"Oh, no. Oh, no!" Sirius fell back dramatically, draping his arm over his eyes. "No! Not the heathens!"

Lily laughed. "We will corrupt your soul," she hissed. But then she turned serious. "Will you go with me tonight, Sirius? I really want to go, but James doesn't want me going out alone. And he doesn't want us taking Harry out if we don't have to."

Sirius removed the arm and looked over at her. "Sure, Lily. I'll sacrifice my immortal soul and go to a pagan ritual. Anything for you."

Lily came over and kicked him lightly in the ribs. "You're impossible," she said, but she knew him well enough to know that he meant "yes."

Sirius would never forget that midnight mass in 1980. Not because it was Anglican. He'd been to a handful of Anglican services before that, and despite his blandishments, insults, and protests, he believed God was God and it wasn't really that different, anyway. And not because it filled him with peace. Quite the contrary. His soul was restless when he arrived, and it only became more agitated as he sat and listened.

It was hard to hear about God's love when he thought of the people they'd lost. He'd been lucky enough not to lose any of those dearest to him, but the Order had lost members he considered friends, people had been killed simply for having the wrong ancestors… and Regulus. Regulus's own stupidity had gotten him killed.

That was hard enough, but when he looked at Lily, the candlelight glinting off her red hair, her face serene but her hands twisting in constant worry, and he thought of the life Harry was growing into… it was hard to remind himself that God had a plan, and everything happened for a reason. Maybe it did, but he couldn't fathom what it might possibly be.

They walked back to Godric's Hollow slowly, not bothering to Apparate. There was snow falling, and a hush came with it. Sirius reached out and took Lily's mittened hand in his. She squeezed it, smiling back at him.

"Are you scared, Sirius?" she asked.

"Yes," he admitted.

Lily chuckled. "The true power of Voldemort," she said dryly. "He can scare even the courageous Sirius Black."

Sirius smiled. "I'm not scared of him for me," he said. "But I'm scared of losing James, or Remus, or Peter, or you. Or, God forbid, Harry." Lily squeezed his hand. "My own death I can make peace with pretty easily. But losing someone… that's hard."

"I know what you mean," Lily said.

They arrived at the house, and both of them smiled to see the warm lights in the windows. "Looks like 'Santa' is still up," Lily said. "I thought he might be."

James wasn't the only one there. Remus was helping him decorate the tree, laughing as James argued with the fairy lights. The golden light shone down on his face, and with a start Sirius realized just how intensely attractive Remus still was to him. The feeling only intensified when Remus looked at him and smiled.

"You walked home?" James demanded from Lily.

"James, please don't. It's Christmas." Lily came over and kissed her husband. "Besides, I was with Sirius. We were safe enough. It looks beautiful. Harry will love it."

James softened at her reassurance and her praise. "Of course he'll love it," he said, "lots of shiny things. But hey, everyone should get what they want on Christmas."

Everyone should get what they want on Christmas. Suddenly, Sirius came to an abrupt decision. He turned to Remus. "That sounded like a come on line if I ever heard one," he leered, and James flushed red. "Shall we purloin some of that eggnog, head to my place, and let the lovebirds get it on?"

"Such class," Remus laughed, Transfiguring his glass into a more suitable carrying vessel. "I'll bring the glass back next time I see you." James just shook his head and laughed.

They took the motorbike back to Sirius's place. The night air was cold on Sirius's face, and Remus's arms were warm around his waist. Despite the fact it was two in the morning, he felt awake and alive.

Remus had always known him as well as he knew himself; Sirius knew this. But still, it took him by surprise when they entered the flat and Remus kissed him, warm and sure and firm. But he melted into it, letting Remus back him over to the couch and falling down onto it when it hit him in the back of the knees.

They'd kissed once before, an aborted effort that had been lovely even so. And Sirius had kissed Gabriel, several times. But never once had it felt like this. With Gabriel, it was easy enough to stop. With Remus, Sirius could tell it would be impossible.

Good thing he didn't want to.

He laid back on the couch and pulled Remus down on top of him, so their bodies were aligned. Remus groaned, kissing him more deeply and tangling his hands in Sirius's hair. Sirius's hands ran down Remus's back, and suddenly he realized they were both still wearing their cloaks. He began to laugh.

Remus pulled away. "What's so funny?"

Sirius tried to work the clasp of Remus's cloak. "This." It was hard, partly because he'd never done it on someone else, especially from this position, and partly because his fingers were brushing against Remus's cheeks, and it was an intoxicating feeling.

Remus looked down at what he was doing and chuckled. He pushed himself up onto his elbows, undid the clasp with one hand, and let the cloak slide down to the floor. "Maybe I should ask while we're paused," he said, "but what do you want to do?"

Sirius grinned at him; a hell-bent, eager smile that hid the butterflies threatening to rip his stomach in half.

"Everything."

***

He'd asked Remus to start off big, to get over what he feared the most. "You don't have to do it, Padfoot," Remus had laughed, but Sirius simply insisted he wanted to. He didn't have to argue very hard.

It was uncomfortable, even to the point of pain. But a few well-consumed eggnogs helped, and so did Remus's gentle ministrations. Before long his hands were twisted in his bed sheets in pleasure, and he was moving with Remus's thrusts, which were growing more erratic by the second. He came with his face buried in the pillow, his entire body trembling with the spasms and overcome with the sensation.

***

They fell asleep afterwards, wrapped around each other, Sirius's head on Remus's shoulder. It was hot and sweaty and Sirius's arm began to hurt, but he couldn't bring himself to move away. Not just yet.

***

Remus woke him with gentle kisses on his shoulders. The kisses moved down his body, following Remus's warm weight and hands. Sirius rolled over on his back and tipped his head back, his fingers toying with the soft ends of Remus's hair. He'd never realized anything could feel quite like this.

He returned the favor, clumsily but eagerly. He was self-conscious at first, but his efforts left Remus gasping and writhing against the bed, and he couldn't help but be immensely pleased with himself.

***

They made Christmas breakfast together, laughing at first and then discovering cooking bacon naked was not the best idea. When the messy feast was finished, they brought it back to bed with them, eating carefully so as not to get powdered sugar and jelly in the sheets. Breakfast culminated with a wrestling match, which led to another round of lovemaking.

When Sirius closed his eyes that Christmas day, all he could see was light.

***

"I don't want to go tomorrow," Remus said that night, as he lay nestled in the crook of Sirius's arm.

"So don't."

"I have to," Remus groaned. "Work."

"For the Order? Or something else?" Remus shook his head, and Sirius sighed. "You could stay," he offered again. "Blow it off and stay one more day."

Remus pulled away and folded his hands beneath his cheek. "I want to," he said. "Believe me, I want to." But there was a sadness in his eyes.

"Remus?"

Remus just shook his head. "Let's not talk about it, Sirius. James was right, everyone deserves to get what they want for Christmas. Let me have Christmas, and then we'll deal with the rest later."

***

The sun hadn't even come up yet when Remus got out of bed, shrugging on the robes that hadn't touched his body in over twenty four hours. Sirius turned over, watching him. "Do you really have to go?" he asked, one more time.

"You know the answer to that," Remus answered.

"I know. But I didn't want yesterday to end."

"Me neither." Remus leaned over and kissed Sirius on the lips. "But it does."

Sirius was used to Boxing Day being a flat sort of day, with nothing to do but wait another whole year for Christmas to come again. But today it was worse than usual, and Sirius found himself at odd ends. He decided to go bother James.

The Potter house was far more cheerful, and when Sirius entered, he was greeted by a delighted squeal from Harry. The living room was strewn with glittering bits of wrapping paper and various toys, and the fairies were lounging around indolently until James and Sirius walked in. "Looks like it was a good Christmas," Sirius said.

"Lily and I enjoyed it," James admitted ruefully. "Harry just chewed on the wrapping paper." He cocked his head and studied Sirius. "We were surprised you didn't make an appearance. Or Remus."

"Yeah, well." Sirius rubbed the back of his neck. "We were busy."

James stared at him for a long moment, and then sank down to the couch. "Oh, Sirius! You didn't!"

Sirius blushed. "I did. Well, we did. What's so wrong with that?"

"Nothing, if that was really what you wanted."

"How do you know it's not?" Sirius asked.

"Well, maybe it is. But Sirius, it's Remus."

"Afraid I'll hurt his delicate sensibilities?" Sirius scoffed.

"No," James said, perfectly seriously. "Afraid you'll fall in love. And then, when this war ends and you can go back to seminary, you're going to have to choose, and the choice between Remus and priesthood will tear you apart, no matter which one you choose."

On to Part 4