BSG FIC: Aftermath

[lls_mutant]

Title: Aftermath
Author: lls_mutant
Rating: PG-13 at most
Pairings: Gaeta/Hoshi, implied past Hoshi/Narcho, implied past Gaeta/Baltar
Summary: Hoshi has to deal with the immediate aftermath of the mutiny.
Spoilers: through Blood on the Scales
Author notes: Written because we all know we're not getting closure with Hoshi on a deeper personal level. Unabashed pairing fic, in its way.



It was Tigh who'd gotten him out of the brig and brought him here. Louis wasn't sure whether he should be grateful or hate him for it. He couldn't hear the voices through the airlock bulkhead, but he did hear the guns fire. When they did, his knees gave out and he sagged against the wall, biting down on a scream.

Adama had done it, and Felix was gone.

The bulkhead opened, and the Marines started filing out. Louis pushed himself to his feet, straining for a glimpse beyond them. But he could see nothing.

He couldn't breathe, his chest was so tight.

The last one to leave the airlock was the Admiral. "Close it," he ordered, his face stony.

"Wait." It tore from Louis's throat before he could stop himself. "Admiral, please. May I…?"

Adama glared at him. "Traitors don't rate funerals."

"It's not a funeral," Louis fired back, drawing himself up straight and very aware that Lee Adama and Gaius Baltar were watching him. "I just want to… we were…" his throat closed up again, and all he could manage was, "Please."

"Five minutes," Adama relented.

"Thank you, sir." Louis took a deep breath and entered the airlock.

The bodies were sprawled on the floor, pieces of rope nearby. Louis stepped over Zarek without a second glance and knelt down to turn Felix over. His eyes stared sightlessly at nothing, and his face was empty of any expression. Louis sat heavily beside the body.

"You were always so determined to do the right thing," he said quietly. "How did you end up doing something so wrong? Do you know how many people died? They're still finding bodies. You killed-" he broke off, shaking his head, because they'd followed of their own accord. Louis didn't understand what had happened, but he knew that much. He opened his mouth to say more, but no words came out. Only an inarticulate expression of grief and pain, and he huddled over Felix's lifeless chest as the sobs seized him. He fumbled for Felix's hand, holding it against his cheek.

"One more minute, Lieutenant." Lee's voice was even over the intercom. Louis stiffened, suddenly aware that the Adamas and Baltar were watching him.

He sat up fully, wiping his cheeks with the palms of his hands, and trying to regain some sort of dignity as he avoided looking at the window where they were standing. He carefully arranged Felix's hands over his chest and closed his eyes gently. He leaned over and kissed his forehead, one cheek, the other, and then his lips. "Sleep well, baby. I love you."

He pulled himself up to standing, dusted his uniform off, and walked out of the airlock. The door closed behind him and the heard the airlock activate. He cringed.

Lee and Baltar started down the corridor, but the Admiral was staring at him. Acutely uncomfortable, Louis saluted stiffly and turned to leave. If Adama wanted to stare at the airlock door all night, he could.

"Dad," he heard Lee say, "come on."

Adama shook his head. "If I hadn't let him chase that Raptor-"

Louis froze in his tracks.

"Raptor?" Lee asked.

"This didn't have to happen. If that Raptor had never been found, Gaeta would have died and honorable death, and all of these people- my people-"

Louis turned around. "You're joking, sir."

Adama's eyes met his, challenging and red. "Do you have something to say, Lieutenant?"

His blood boiled into hot hatred, and it felt good. "You're complaining about your people dying in the same breath that you're saying you should have left Felix on that Raptor? That this is my fault for finding him?"

"How much you are at fault for is still under question," Adama said. "I find it hard to believe you knew nothing about this."

Lee took Adama's arm. "Dad," he said, "don't do this."

"Someone needs to answer for this."

Baltar stepped in. "You just executed Tom Zarek and Felix Gaeta. They answered for what they did."

"It's not enough. So far we've found seventy people dead."

"So you're going to drag me in front of the firing squad because I found Felix?" Louis demanded. "Because you couldn't even leave a Raptor at the jump coordinates after we jumped back? Because I insisted that you send a search and rescue mission for a Raptor with four humans on it? I shouldn't have even had to ask! You're talking about your people, but you abandoned four of them for no reason! There were no Cylons threatening us. We had fuel. There was no real danger in looking for them. But none of them were what you mean by 'your people', were they? Laura Roslin or Kara Thrace go missing, and you move worlds to find them. Felix Gaeta goes missing, and who the frak cares? Not you!"

"You're way out of line, Lieutenant."

He was, and it felt good. For a brief moment, he had the vaguest understanding of what Felix must have been feeling, this urge to fight, to destroy, to throw himself against something. His eyes narrowed.

"And when we found that Raptor," he said viciously, "with three humans dead, what did you do? You believed Felix. You must have, or he would have been in the brig. But he told you that an Eight killed three humans- and she probably would have killed him- and you ignored it! You didn't even investigate, or talk to your precious Cylons!"

"You don't know that!" Adama growled.

"An Eight?" Baltar asked quietly, but Louis ignored him.

"Why didn't you investigate, Admiral? Because it was only Brooks, who came over from the Pegasus. It was only Shark, it was only Easy. Both Pegasus pilots. And IT WAS ONLY GAETA. Why didn't you investigate how Felix got shot and lost his leg? Because it was only Gaeta. And why did you-"

Adama punched him hard across the face. Louis rolled with it and came up spitting blood, restrained by two Marines. He fought against them, desperate to get to Adama, to shake him, to make him see, to hurt him like he was hurting now.

Baltar stepped in front of him, grabbing his arms. Gaius frakking Baltar, who Felix had loved. Who Felix had loved so much that he'd asked for him at the end, not Louis.

He spat in Baltar's face.

"Lieutenant. Lieutenant Hoshi, please. Calm down. I know you are angry but this is not the way-" Baltar began, but Louis kicked at him, and he jumped back.

"What other way is there?" Louis shouted. He pulled forward towards Adama ineffectually. "Answer me!" he shouted. "Answer me, Admiral. What other frakking way is there?!"

"I don't have to answer to you," Adama said. He gestured to the Marines. "Take him to the brig."

"No!" For a wild moment he thought he would break free, but then one of the Marines struck him upside the dead, and the world went black.

***

He came to on a bed in the brig, a pounding headache and a moment's confusion before he tried to launch himself off the bed. Louis overbalanced, falling forward until a hand caught him.

"Easy," a familiar voice said. He felt himself being guided, and the toilet appeared just in time. He retched until his sides and back cramped painfully with the spasms and there was nothing left to bring up. He sat back on his heels, wiping his mouth slowly.

"You okay?" That same familiar, comfortable voice washed over him. A cup of tepid water appeared and Louis drank gratefully, grimacing at the metallic taste. Finally, he looked up.

"Noel?"

"Take it easy, Louis." Noel's hands were firm and gentle on his back. "What happened to Felix?"

"Dead," Louis said, closing his eyes again. "Firing squad."

There was a long silence. "And Zarek?" Noel asked, his voice cracking.

"Same thing." Louis rubbed his forehead, and then it dawned on him. "You… you knew? You were in on it?" He looked up at Noel, blinking rapidly and wanting to run as fast and as far as he could from everyone.

Noel at least had the grace to look guilty as he nodded, and Louis turned away. Felix had told Noel, whom he was friends with, yes, but mainly because of Louis, and yet he couldn't-

"He didn't tell you for a reason," Noel said softly. "And it wasn’t that he didn't trust you."

The room began to spin, and Louis groaned, leaning forward and fairly certain he was going to vomit again. "Come on," Noel insisted, helping Louis to his feet and back to the bed. "Sleep. You need it. I'll keep watch."

"Watch," Louis said, already drifting away. "We're in the brig, Noel. I think we're safe."

"Yeah," Noel said quietly. "That's what Felix figured, too."

***

"On your feet."

"For crying out loud, give him a minute to wake up."

"You shut up, you mutinous piece of filth. Lieutenant Hoshi, get on your feet."

Louis sat up slowly, wary of his stomach. The Marine was one of the two that had restrained him at the airlock. Noel was standing to the side, his hands cuffed and his eyes red. Louis stared at him, but Noel wouldn't quite meet his eyes.

The Marine cuffed his hands. "Let's go," he ordered. Louis glanced one more time at Noel, and Noel smiled… and something about it broke what was left of his heart.

He was not at all surprised to see Admiral Adama, Colonel Tigh, and Lee Adama sitting at the table. The Admiral nodded to the Marine, and he stepped back.

"Mr. Hoshi," Adama said. "Have a seat."

No one uncuffed him, so Louis sat down awkwardly.

"Mr. Hoshi," Tigh began, "exactly how much did you know about Gaeta's plans?"

"Only that he was going to meet with Zarek three days ago," Louis said dully. "Before the Vice President was arrested."

"What was the meeting about?"

"I assume the mutiny," Louis said, barely refraining from rolling his eyes. "I don't know."

"You had a romantic relationship with Lieutenant Gaeta, didn't you?" Lee pushed.

"Until he told me he was going to meet with Zarek," Louis said through a clenched jaw. "He left me at the same time."

"He left you?" Tigh asked incredulously. "Right after you'd searched all of space for him, he left you?"

"Yes. He left me, locked me in the brig, mutinied and got himself shot by a firing squad. Do we really need to rub this in any more?"

The Admiral looked at Tigh and Lee and nodded. To Louis's surprise, they both left the room, as did the Marine. Adama sat back, regarding him with a long, even stare. Finally he sighed, picked up a pen, twirled it between his fingers for a moment and then set it down again.

"Lieutenant Allison has already confirmed that you knew nothing of Gaeta's plans."

Louis's stomach froze, a lesser version of the feeling he'd felt all day. "What's going to happen to Noel?"

"That's not relevant right now," Adama said firmly. He picked the pen back up. "I need to apologize," he said, and Louis nearly choked, "for what I said outside the airlock. I do not think this was your fault for finding Gaeta, and I should not have said it was." He paused, and rubbed a hand over his face. "You loved him, I understand. I'm sorry for your loss, Lieutenant."

"Thank you," Louis managed. An expectant pause stretched between them, and Louis stared at Adama in silence. Did the man really expect him to say I'm sorry, too? I shouldn't have said Felix never mattered to you? He kept his lips firmly pressed together.

Finally, Adama sighed. "What I need to know now is if I can trust you back in the CIC. After Gaeta, you're the most skilled navigator that I've got, and I need you on duty as soon as possible. Can I trust you to follow orders?"

"Do you really expect me to say 'no', sir?"

"Lieutenant Allison did."

Louis sighed, and reflexively tried to massage his forehead, and had to give up. "I'll obey orders," he said. "That's probably why Felix didn't tell me in the first place."

***

He was "escorted" to the CIC. Here and there, curious eyes followed him. Him, the lover of a traitor. It seared his soul and made him cringe away from each face he met.

But that was nothing compared to actually walking into the CIC.

His eyes automatically went to the tactical station, and his heart fell at the empty seat. Although no one really moved, every gaze in the place fell on him, waiting to see how he'd react. For a moment he was frozen, and then next to him, Adama inclined his head towards the station. Louis walked over and took his seat.

He shivered as he sat down, even though he'd sat in that seat so many times before. He pulled his mind away from that and focused on the Dradis, letting the rhythmic beeps wash over him.

The CIC exhaled.

***

The hour passed, and it got a little easier. It helped that there was no choice. There were repairs o make, ships to refuel, CAPs to monitor, and life to go on. He fell into the routine of it easily, and the work soothed his mind a little, even if nothing could sooth his soul.

He was coding a patch when he noticed the tiny alert blinking in the corner of the screen.

The file was titled "Aftermath." He opened it, because he needed to know this station inside and out and a file named "Aftermath" had never existed before. And when the words flashed on the screen, he wanted to jump back, jolted as if he'd touched something hot and live electricity flowed down his nerves.

Dear Louis,

I always said that you the one good thing left for me, a single star in the night. You told me I was being melodramatic, but if you're reading this, I was right.

I remember that night we found Earth, before we learned what a fallacy it was. I tried to imagine my life down there. I couldn't picture my work. I couldn't picture the people. But I could see a place of our own, and inside that, I could picture us so clearly. And we were happy.

There are so many things I wish I could have told you. I wish I could have told you what I was doing. But you… you deserve so much better than the firing squad I probably got. Would you have followed me? I'm not sure I want to know.

I am sure that if I was given the chance, I asked to see Gaius Baltar and not you before I died. And, knowing you, you're angry about that. You're thinking he meant more to me than you ever did. It's not that simple. I can't really explain it, except to say it’s not that simple, and I can't face you for many reasons.

I didn't die by gun, nor did I die by execution, even though one of those two must have happened. I died on that Raptor, before you found me. And that's why I'm all right with this. I feel like I should write my confession, but I can't, even though there's a part of me that begs for it. But find Gaius, and tell him that I know what my Eight did, too. He'll explain everything. And you'll know why I had to do this.

I had to fight for what I believe in, and I don't regret it. Not at all. But be wary of the Cylons and the alliance that Adama believes so strongly in. The Cylons can not be trusted. It's not just that they'll kill you; it's that they'll rip your heart out before they do it. That's what happened on New Caprica. That's what Caprica Six did to Gaius. It's what Tigh's doing to Adama. And it's what the Eight did to me.

There's one last thing I want to tell you. I knew it for sure when I was on the Demetrius mission, but obviously I couldn't tell you then. I knew it in the infirmary, but it didn't seem the time or place, and I couldn't bring that sort of happiness to myself, anyway. I knew it in the Raptor, but that was when everything ended. But I also know it now, under everything else, and before I die I need to say the words.

I love you, Louis. And you were the last good thing in my life, the single star in my darkness. I love you, and I hope you have the future you deserve.

Take your time coming home; I'll be waiting.

Love,
Felix

He stared at the screen for a long moment, until the dradis beeped again and he was startled back into the present.

"It's not real," he whispered, fingers flying madly over the keyboard as Raptor 119 approached. "It's not real."

But it was.

***

There were still stares when he left his station at the end of his shift. Still stares and whispers. Still people speculating on his loyalties, his actions, what he knew, his life. But Louis didn't hear them. He drifted through the corridors of Galactica, silent.

He'd printed out a copy of the letter and then wiped the file from the computer. The letter was folded in his breast pocket, burning. But the burn felt good… or at least clean.

He opened the door to the officer's racks, and the sight of Felix's rack- untouched- made him double over. For a long moment he wasn't sure that he could do this.

Then he touched the note in his pocket, took a deep breath, and began.

Comments

[blue-crow.livejournal.com]

Gods damn it. People need to stop writing this sort of fic because you're all conspiring against me to make me cry. I love the way you take Hoshi and give him a spine here, and you make him so demanding.

I really want to read his conversation with Gaius, too. I want for them to develop some semblance of a truce. I don't know if they'd ever have anything in common, but...

[prophetkristy.livejournal.com]

I'd agree but: I wasn't able to cry at the episode. It's only the fic that's let me cry. And I do need it.

(also: our wonderful ficcers are way better writers than those working on the show right now :-/)

[blue-crow.livejournal.com]

I'm the opposite. I think the love that's so evident for Felix in the fic makes me floaty enough to not cry, that I really feel the connection. Whereas in the show, it just felt so... empty and finite and everything. I sobbed then. D:

[tin-o-biscuits.livejournal.com]

(also: our wonderful ficcers are way better writers than those working on the show right now :-/)

SO SAY WE ALL.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

There was a cut scene in, oh, geeze, The Captain's Hand, maybe? Where the current commander was saying that Hoshi had been insubordinate. Between that and a plot idea for Dee and Hoshi, I've decided in my head that he's the ultimate bitch. :) But the poor guy must really be hurting and confused.

I thought for a minute about writing that conversation, but safenthecity did it so well that I didn't have anything that worked.

[prophetkristy.livejournal.com]

YEAH HOSHI! YOU TELL HIM BABY!

I'm also proud of Noel for sticking to his guns. Another thing I bet we'll never see on screen.

I was prepared to make it through THIS one, at least, without crying--though the bodies made me wibble--and then the LETTER. *clutches you and sobs like a baby*

Is Hoshi secretly starting an underground resistance? *flail*

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

::grin:: I was having fun getting to yell at Adama through Hoshi. Did it show?

I don't know if it came across, but Noel got the firing squad as well. He's the one mutineer I could believe it might happen, since he almost killed Adama. But ever since writing Gaeta/Narcho, I've fallen in love with the character.

I wish! But no, I think Hoshi's just hoping to find a planet and then high-tail it as far away from the military as he can. ::Sigh:: I really, really want to see what they're going to do with Hoshi (if anything) in the rest of the series.

Thanks! :)

[prophetkristy.livejournal.com]

Well, I got just as much enjoyment out of reading the yelling! I am, after all, the one posting curse words I don't normally use in my own LJ directed at Adama. ;-)

I wouldn't be surprised if Narcho got the firing squad. He did actually say "no" to Adama's face right at the time where he was not taking any of that shit.

Aww, poor Hoshi. I doubt we'll ever see you again. (hey, maybe Kandyse McClure and Brad Dryborough will just happen to be at the same showing of the play that we go to! A girl can dream.)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

It's fun to curse at Adama, even if I'm annoyed that RDM is doing this to me.

And yeah, I hate to say it, but Narcho would have been believable as executed. He didn't repent. If he had, I think that Adama would have spared him. But he felt he was right still, too. I wonder if we'll ever see him again. (I could also believe a dishonorable discharge for him.)

I think we'll see Hoshi again, unless Sam becomes the Hybrid for the Galactica. Who else can fly the damn thing????????

[tin-o-biscuits.livejournal.com]

Oh, Doc. Why did I read this before bed. I'm sobbing and I know I'm not gonna sleep well.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks! And sorry about that- I hope you slept!

[tin-o-biscuits.livejournal.com]

No. No, I did not. Know what I dreamt about? I DREAMT THAT I WAS GOING TO BE EXECUTED. My family was trying to get me out of there but I was just calmly writing down the songs I wanted them to play at my funeral... D:

[safenthecity.livejournal.com]

OH GOD. I should not be laughing at your pain, but oh god... That's the most amazing reaction-to-a-fic dream... ever. ♥ I will try to send you dreams of a barely-clothed Felix to make it better.

[tin-o-biscuits.livejournal.com]

It was really horrible- I was going to be executed in the house I grew up in. And I was picking awful songs for my funeral!! "Creep" by Radiohead?! I mean, I love that song, but SO not funeral apropro. :X

I will try to send you dreams of a barely-clothed Felix to make it better.
:3 Thank you.

[safenthecity.livejournal.com]

CREEP? Of all the songs. I once had a dream that my aunt was going to be executed... for pretty much nothing. So I stole her away, because security was shitty. I laughed about it when I woke up. What were you being executed for, do you know?

No problem! Just send him my way when you're done.

[tin-o-biscuits.livejournal.com]

I don't remember. I just remember being very calm and, frankly, bored by the whole thing. And working on a sucky playlist. D:

[safenthecity.livejournal.com]

Ah, well, at least if you were bored you weren't scared. That's something, right?

[foreverrhapsody.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm sniffling now, but it's a good kind of sniffling.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks! (And that icon is too cute :) )

[foreverrhapsody.livejournal.com]

Thanks, The Land Before Time was one of my most favorite movies ever when I was a kid. Just the first one, though

[daybreak777.livejournal.com]

Such great fic being produced now. I need to make a recs list quickly before it all gets away from me. There are such great lines here, making me go, "Awww," out loud. Here are a few:

"Sleep well, baby. I love you."
Why were they making Louis leave? Did they airlock Felix after? Gods. Adama kept Sharon's body on ice. Poor Felix. Poor Hoshi.

I died on that Raptor, before you found me.
Felix died so many times. On New Caprica, on that operating table, on the raptor, picking up pieces of Dualla's brains, after seeing the Quorum members.

I'll be waiting.
Ouch. You're good. I like this. I like all of it. They were my very first real slash (and canon!) pairing, short though it was. From the hug in Revelations to their last look. This story breaks my heart for Hoshi. But I'm glad that someone carries Felix's memory with him.

Thanks for writing this!

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Why were they making Louis leave? Did they airlock Felix after?

Yup. That's exactly what happened.

Thanks so much- and yeah, I feel the same way. I want someone (besides Baltar) to remember Felix. ::sniff::

[trovia.livejournal.com]

Beautiful and heartbreaking. I love that at least, the webisodes and the mutiny story have produced a new character for us to play with. I love the appearance of Noel, how you have Baltar listen up at the mentioning of an Eight, how Hoshi takes a stand against Adama (somebody has to!).

Everybody is writing such beautiful fic about Felix' death. Me, I'm only writing silly stories right now, tackling my "Little Black Dress" pairings. I guess I'm compensating. I couldn't write anything that sad.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Silly stories are needed though! Because otherwise we're all just sitting around making each other cry. (Although I know with me that's like shooting fish in a barrel on this subject.) Hell, your icon is making me cry.

Thanks so much!

[falafel-musings.livejournal.com]

Ouch. I hadn't even wanted to think about what they would do with Felix's body after the execution. Flush it into space with no funeral or words, etc, is probably accurate. Yet it makes me sick and devastated all over again. It makes me think nobody will pin his photo to the remembrance wall either.

Even though I find Hoshi a MEH character you made me really feel for him here - his rage at Adama, his jealousy of Baltar, his hurt at what Felix had done to himself and others. Man, Hoshi is completely right about Adama's lack of objectivity, especially how he dropped everything to find Roslin and Kara when they were lost, but did nothing to save Felix. It was good that Adama finally acknowledged Hoshi's own feelings of love, even though it was too little, too late.

Felix's message was very haunting because it's practically a suicide note. He believes he is fighting a losing battle, but he needs to fight it all the same. He can't just lie down and take this anymore. I'm still not sure I believe Felix/Louis were in love, but I do believe that Hoshi was 'the last good thing' in his life before those Raptor murders.

At the end of this fic, Hoshi seemed much like post-New Caprica Felix. He is tainted by his connection to a traitor, just like Felix was tainted by his relationship with Baltar. One would hope Hoshi doesn't go through the same emotional breakdown as Felix and that the letter convinces him to hold onto his sanity and have a 'bright furture' just like Felix wanted.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Hopefully I'll get this off- I'm typing at the hospital because we are BORED.

First off, thanks. I'm really glad this hit you, because damn it, revenge is sweet, girl! You've been breaking me with your last two.

I'm still debating what I think of Felix and Louis being in love. I've been toying with how I would have written the story. I wrote them in love for this because on the one hand, I like the idea that Felix had someone he loved. Maybe not all-consuming love (and notice he never actually said Louis WASN'T more important to him than Baltar ;) ), but love nonetheless. But it's a nice thought, that Felix had a little happiness in his life. (And love or not love, I think that Hoshi did bring him some happiness.) And I think the fact he broke off with Hoshi cleared the way well for the Baltar scene.

I like Hoshi and Narcho about the same with Felix. But the other two considerations I would have gone for are a.) keeping Felix single and b.) hooking up Felix and Tom.

While I said I like the idea Felix had someone, in some ways, his plotline works a little bit better if he didn't- especially that last scene with Baltar. Not because there's someone else that matters, but because Felix has to turn back to Baltar because there's no one else that cares. So, that would have worked for me, I guess.

I also think it really could have been interesting (and I know I'm biased) if they'd hooked Tom and Felix up as lovers. However, that would have been something they would have had to actually devote some time to. For one, RDM was determined to make Zarek a total sleaze, and the idea that he was in bed with a much younger man would have really accentuated that, and I personally think to the detriment of the character. (Although I admit I am totally jumping on to the idea of Zarek/Racetrack and wishing I could work that one in before he died.) But they also would have had to address that a Zarek/Gaeta relationship had a lot of elements of the Roslin/Adama, just with a few role reversals. Which honestly? Would have been really intereting, but you couldn't retcon it.

I like the comparison between Felix and Louis at the end of the two plotlines. I'm really curious to see if we're going to get ANY reaction from Hoshi in the show. Not romance, obviously, but when he takes the Dradis station? Even if they were just casual aquaintences, that must have been tough.

And I'm determined that SOMEONE will pin Felix's picture on the wall, and I'm betting it's Baltar that does it. (Although I had an idea for a tiny ficlet where after Dee's suicide Adama notices a picture of her with the one edge torn, then after the mutiny he sees Felix added, with the edge still torn, and eventually he sees Hoshi add himself to complete the picture, right before the Galactica goes down in flames.)

Okay. I'm getting "help". Guess I'm done babbling!

[falafel-musings.livejournal.com]

I still think Gaius was the love of Felix's life, but if Earth hadn't been an irradiated dirtpile, I can easily believe that Felix/Louis could have settled down together and been very happy. Felix's body and soul would have healed and he would have grown to love Louis. He would probably love him in a more healthy comfortable way than his obsessive idolising love for Gaius.

I'm really interested in seeing more Gaeta/Zarek fics from you (slashy or gen) now that we have the context of their canon relationship. I really liked your idea that Gaeta and Zarek might be the same man at different stages of life. I wonder if when Zarek was a young revolutionary on Sagittaron he experienced a similar moment of horror, like Gaeta seeing the Quorom - a moment when he realised the deadly consequences of rebellion. You also gave me the idea (in my last fic) that Adama could contemplate putting Gaeta in prison for a long time, but realising that Gaeta would eventually grow into another Zarek.

It would also be interesting to see you fic them as lovers. I'd guess that Zarek knows Felix is gay, that he knows Felix likes older men, the hero-worship, etc. Tom himself has spent most of his adult life in prison. In all that time he has probably been 'jailhouse gay' on ocassions. I actually thought there was some chemistry between Zarek and the guy he was conspiring with on Kobol. So I could see a basis for slash. Like you say, there is a tactile physicality between them. I wish the show had pushed the tension between them a little more. I wanted to know what Zarek would have done if Gaeta had suffered a serious nervous breakdown over the sight of the Quorom. Would he have tried to soothe him and comfort him? Or would he have been really badass and told Gaeta that if he didn't pull it together he'd have to get the marines to do him too? When it comes to Zarek I can almost imagine a combination of the two.

I definitely see what you are saying with the Adama/Roslin parallels. In the mutiny story it felt like it was Adama Vs Gaeta and Roslin vs Zarek, with the latter two being the more ruthless of the pairings.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Your assessment of Felix growing to love Louis is actually the scenario that makes the most sense to me. One of the things I was thinking when I was writing this was that when Felix was writing the letter, he wasn't just pouring out his heart and soul- he was saying what he wanted to say, and what would bring both him and Louis the most comfort. Did he love Louis when writing this? Maybe. Maybe not. Did he want to believe he loved Louis while writing this? Absolutely.

I really like the idea of Zarek having seen something similar. I really feel like I ought to read the comic books that deal with his background. (And I was glad you had Adama realize that Gaeta could easily become another Zarek- and how cruel prison would have been to Gaeta. I really think the firing squad was in some ways the kindest thing that could have been done. It was a quick, clean death for Felix, and given how much he'd taken on his own shoulders, I can't really see any other ending for him.)

I think it might have been you who got me thinking about Tom and Felix as lovers- you or millari. I've always thought of Tom as straight because I like unrequited Tom/Laura (and in YFL 7 I found a way to let Tom and Racetrack sleep together, because I REALLY liked that idea!), but yeah, there is something sort of swinging about Tom. Aside from just the jailhouse thing, I could see Tom being bi. Not gay, because the attraction for Laura was very clear, I think, but definitely bi. And yeah, Gaeta is drawn to charasmatic leaders, and Tom is drawn to strength of character. I think they could have been interesting. (And seriously- they constantly had their hands on each other :) ) I'd like to try to fic them as lovers again sometime, but I'm curious as to how different in ways it would be from Youth's Final Luxury. Because really, love for each other motivates them some in YFL as well- it's just a different kind of love. (The one thing I do keep thinking is I've been kicking around a Firefly/BSG crossover, where Felix and Tom go off with Serenity. Felix stays on board as the new pilot, and Tom goes to one of the moons and gets into government, and every time Serenity stops there Felix and Tom hook up as a sort of booty call. I know, I'm weird.)

I agree that I would have liked to see the show push the tension between them more, but at the same time, I kind of like that they didn't. For all that Ron was talking about them having different goals, I didn't see that as much as I saw them having different ideas about the hows of the revolution. Felix thought he could lock everyone up; tom realized it's not that simple. But what I really liked about what they did do- and I thought went against expectations- is that they did seem to have them be fairly equal, and there was sort of an insuation that they cared about each other. Not to the level I write them to, but you could see there must have been a friendship there on some level. We know so little about any of Felix's friends... (I wish we knew more about Narcho, for example, and why Felix trusted him with such an important assignment. I also wish we knew more about felix and Gage.) But yeah- I also would have liked to see more about what would have happened if Felix had resisted more. But I'm kind of glad we didn't, because this was a little less expected.

Yeah, the Adama vs. Gaeta and Roslin vs. Zarek aspect was interesting! But something else I was thinking is that Zarek has a problem with the Adama aristocracy. Laura being in power is very much a symptom of that problem, even as it enables it as well. But if he and Gaeta had been lovers, instead of the military leader basically restoring his president lover to power, it could have been very much the president restoring his military leader lover to power. The personal connection would have been more intense.

I have to say, though, this arc definitely exceeded my expectations for anything they would give Gaeta. I'm really sad to see him go (but still hanging on for head!Gaeta to Baltar), and I'm heartbroken, but I'm pleased with it at the same time. I just really, really, really want to see some reaction from Adama. I am so not optimistic though :P

[eaocon.livejournal.com]

What a beautiful story, sad and tragic. Thank you.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it :)

[safenthecity.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. God.

The entire Gaeta community is collaborating to completely crush me.

I love Hoshi. Going to Felix's body... Felix's letter... broke me all over again. "I know what my Eight did, too."

I am in so much need of Hoshi, and I am so sad the show won't give it to us. So thank you.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Heh- look who's talking! Revenge is sweet. You're the reason I didn't even go near Hoshi and Baltar talking, because your scene with them is now canon in my head :)

Thanks so much!

[safenthecity.livejournal.com]

Ahaha, thank you so much. I am horrifically insecure about my writing, because I am hypercritical of myself, so it's nice to know other people like it. <3 I'm flattered and honored that you have taken my scene into your canon.

Seriously, his letter to Louis? The way he just assumed he was on a suicide mission, and new Louis would have to take over his post? :(

[cylune9.livejournal.com]

Oh, Gods. That was heartbreaking. Poor Hoshi. I love his voice and reaction and the letter... you made me cry.

He was, and it felt good. For a brief moment, he had the vaguest understanding of what Felix must have been feeling, this urge to fight, to destroy, to throw himself against something.

I can relate to that too. :(

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks :) I'm glad you liked it!

[beatnikspinster.livejournal.com]

What a beautiful and sad letter. It's the closure on their relationship I'd wanted. Good story.

[rebelliousrose.livejournal.com]

Oh, so very beautiful. I hate Gaeta's ending with a passion; Adama forgives every-damn-body-else for everything and can't forgive Gaeta, when it's obvious what broke him the rest of the way was Dualla's death? *sputters indignantly*

I love this. You gave Felix the dignity and grace that he should have had. Thank you.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

The only thing that's saving Gaeta's ending for me is that I really think he wanted to die, and he wanted to die fighting. He was at peace, and I think if Adama had spared him it would have tortured him. ::sigh:: I'm okay with him being executed- what I'm NOT okay with is that I really would like to see some evidence from Adama that HE'S not okay with it. I mean, I get why he did it. Whether or not I agree with it, this was a pretty black and white case of military law. But Gaeta was one of Adama's men, and on the fringes of one of his kids. I want to see that explicitly bother Adama at some point. That he HAD to do this, and he's not at all happy about it. I know he's been drinking pretty hard, but with everything else going on... I just wish it didn't feel like he'd completely forgotten and doesn't give a shit about Felix. ::Sigh::

Thanks so much :)

[puszysty.livejournal.com]

You've gone and made me cry. Damn you.

Oh Hoshi. I like how you've characterized him here, feeling so wronged by...everyone.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

I really wish they'd been able to deal with Hoshi in the aftermath of the muntiny some more. I'd love to know if he was furious with Gaeta, if he forgave him, if he wished he could have been a part of it, if he deplored what Gaeta did... I'm tempted one day to write a fic where he's angry. We've all been writing grief, but no one's really written anger at Felix yet, and I can see that. It's so tough, because there's about six hours (possibly) between when Gaeta takes over the CIC and when he's executed. Not a lot of time to process that.

Glad you enjoyed it!