Writing Post
Jun. 7th, 2009 08:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lls_mutantI'm having a LOT of trouble with this scene, and it's driving me bonkers. I'm going to expound. There are some spoilers for A Lot to Live Up To. It doesn't confirm what's going on with Hoshi, but it sure gives you some massive hints. It does reveal another character that's coming into this part of the story and suddenly wanting to be a bigger character (WTF?), and that character's presence might give you more of an idea where I'm going, but some of you (lj user=kappamaki33> and ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
puszysty, I'm looking at you two) have already guessed a lot of that part anyway.
So, there are two co-plots for this chapter- not so much an A and a B, but they have equal weight. One plot is Dee trying to deal with the ectopic pregnancy. The other plot is Dee and Hoshi starting to really become friends as Dee finds out more about him.
This chapter takes place over two days. It starts with Dee waking up from surgery. Throughout the chapter, Dee's very convinced she feels nothing about this pregnancy. or, more accurately, she feels dead inside. She's got this idea in her head that strength means not crying, but bearing up and supporting Lee and getting better as fast as she can. So through most of the chapter, she's trying to quench her feelings of loss and sorrow about the pregnancy, or push them aside. She especially does it with Lee (which, yes, is a HUGE mistake), but you also see her do it with Felix, Adama, and Noel, although she comes the closest to breaking down with Noel. But obviously, losing a baby IS a big deal, and Dee's anything but okay.
Cottle keeps her in the infirmary for 48 hours for observation and so she can rest, but Dee's bored out of her skull. Hoshi's also in the infirmary, and he's bored out of his. So over the course of the chapter there are several conversations between them, starting out very basic and clinical and eventually increasing insofar as they're personal.
While all this needs editing and sharpening, I'm pretty happy with most of it. The part that's killing me is the last scene.
The two plots come together in the final few pages. Hoshi has to have an extremely painful procedure done, and the schedule gets changed at the last minute. So Felix can't come down and help him through it, and he asks Dee to hold his hand through it and just keep him talking. Dee does, and about the only question she can come up with is why he left Sagittaron.
Hoshi relates the story (must be trimmed down a bit) while the doctors do the procedure. And this is where I'm having trouble. The idea is that Dee sees him going through this, and realizes two big things:
1.) this is the first time she's ever seen Hoshi truly afraid. She can see how scared he is, having this thing done, but he's holding onto her hand and talking and getting through it anyway. The idea is that Dee's seeing someone be truly strong, but without having that stiff upper lip.
2.) the fact that Hoshi asked her to be there for this and then did tell her the story... he really made himself vulnerable to her.
Seeing him go through this is what finally triggers Dee to break down and start crying and start feeling the grief. It's in no way a full healing- all this scene is meant to do is to open the door, and let Dee begin feeling what she's feeling. She's not even close to healing; she's just beginning the grieving process. And I've been meaning for her to cry on Hoshi's shoulder. The chapter is supposed to end with them both falling asleep in Hoshi's bed- not necessarily on each other, but definitely facing each other.
What I'm having trouble with is making the transition from Hoshi's story to Dee's breakthrough. For Hoshi, this story is old news, and we find out that the doctors had heard it already anyway, because it came out when he gave them his medical history. But for the reader and for Dee, this story is new, and it's not necessarily an easy story for Dee to hear. Dee's mind should be pretty heavily on the story.
I was able to break it up a bit, in that the doctors had left for a little bit and then came back to do a few checks, and I added a little levity in there that got Hoshi out of where he was and Dee's mind off the immediate story. But at the same time, the shift still is seeming awkward to me.
I don't know if posting this section of the scene will help or not, but here it is:
"It's okay," Hoshi cut her off. "Are they gone?"
"They're gone," Dee said.
Hoshi extended his legs, and now that they were alone, she could feel him starting to tremble. It began in his hands and spread throughout his body. His one hand stayed clasped in hers, but the other covered his face as he shook. Dee covered their joined hands with her free one, staring at the image that seemed so familiar to her, and yet so different.
It wasn't until then that she realized Hoshi was crying.
It was quiet, but it shook his body and Dee wasn't sure what to do. If she'd gone through what he'd just taken, she'd be doing the same thing, but she had no idea how to approach it.
"You're not fighting this alone this time," she whispered to him. "You're not alone. I'm here." And as the words left her mouth, it occurred to her that she meant it. "Louis, I'm here."
She wasn't aware that she was crying herself until the tears dripped onto her hands. She moved her top hand and tentatively touched his hair. When he didn't jerk back or yell at her to frak off, she stroked it gently, the short strands soft under her fingers.
She heard footsteps, and touched him more firmly. "Someone's coming," she said, wiping her face.
Hoshi took a deep breath and got himself under control, and then flipped over onto his back, wiping his own cheeks. He tried to wipe at his nose, realized he only had his bare hand, and made a face. Dee started to giggle as she hunted around for something more appropriate. He smiled, too, and by the time Cottle pushed aside the curtain, they were both in hysterical peals of laughter.
"Do I even want to know?" Cottle asked. Dr. Robert was with him, looking from one to the other of them with an amused grin.
"I can't wipe my nose," Hoshi complained, and then bent over again as the laughter convulsed him.
Cottle shook his head, fished a rag from his pockets and handed it to Hoshi. He waited until Hoshi cleaned himself up, and then gestured for him to turn on his side again. "I just want to check and make sure you're not bleeding out on me," he said. Hoshi nodded and obediently turned over.
"Looks like it stopped well enough," Dr. Robert said, peering over Cottle's shoulder. "Going to be a nasty bruise, though."
"I'm still surprised we didn't pick up anything during the biopsy you did on New Caprica," Cottle mused. "Usually if the blood samples warrant something like this…"
"Maybe the Pegasus lab got a bad reading," Dr. Robert said. "Or more likely, the equipment was malfunctioning on New Caprica. Not like we had the best resources there," he said bitterly.
Cottle grunted agreement. He finished his check and then gave Hoshi his pills. "By the way," he said, "if it makes you feel any better, the Admiral had to sit down for a few minutes before he could continue his business."
"You've got guts, I'll give you that, Lieutenant." Dr. Robert added.
They left, discussing the procedure. Hoshi watched them and then shuddered. "I do not want to be Cottle's first attempt at a biopsy," he said. "But I'm pretty sure I'm going to be." He slipped out of bed, wiping his face again with the rag that Cottle had given him. He slipped off the hospital gown, and Dee could see what Dr. Robert meant when he said it was going to be a large bruise. The dark mark was already four or five inches long. He pulled on his tanks and sweats and settled back on the bed, shifting until he was comfortable.
"I'm really sorry about pushing the Sagittaron question," Dee said again.
He waved his hand. "Honestly, Dee, please don't worry about it. It was a long time ago, and all three of them knew parts of it anyway. I had to tell them about it because my medical records were on the Pegasus, and we didn't get the crews records off before we lost the ship. I don't like to talk about it, but I will, especially to the doctors. Dr. Robert was particularly interested in it, and he asked me a lot of questions last time." He gave a small smile. "I'll tell you, though, he's one person who's grateful for the military. When I went down to New Caprica to have the one biopsy done, he hardly had the time of day for me. But when I went over to his ship for this one, he had one of the better bedside manners I've ever seen." He looked at Dee carefully. "I know Cottle isn't really easy to talk to, and not many psychologists escaped the Cylons. But if you ever needed to talk to a doctor about the pregnancy, I'll bet he'd be a really good one to talk- Dee?"
Maybe it was watching something that draining, maybe it was watching Hoshi put himself in such a vulnerable position and come out the other side with his chin up and smiling. Maybe it was her hormones finally kicking in, or maybe it was just Hoshi's gentle suggestion, but she put her face in her hands and burst into tears.
"Dee… Dee, I'm… come here."
Somehow, Dee ended up in the bed with him, lying on her side and crying into his shoulder.
I'm all ears for suggestions on how to smooth this the frak out.
puszysty, I'm looking at you two) have already guessed a lot of that part anyway.So, there are two co-plots for this chapter- not so much an A and a B, but they have equal weight. One plot is Dee trying to deal with the ectopic pregnancy. The other plot is Dee and Hoshi starting to really become friends as Dee finds out more about him.
This chapter takes place over two days. It starts with Dee waking up from surgery. Throughout the chapter, Dee's very convinced she feels nothing about this pregnancy. or, more accurately, she feels dead inside. She's got this idea in her head that strength means not crying, but bearing up and supporting Lee and getting better as fast as she can. So through most of the chapter, she's trying to quench her feelings of loss and sorrow about the pregnancy, or push them aside. She especially does it with Lee (which, yes, is a HUGE mistake), but you also see her do it with Felix, Adama, and Noel, although she comes the closest to breaking down with Noel. But obviously, losing a baby IS a big deal, and Dee's anything but okay.
Cottle keeps her in the infirmary for 48 hours for observation and so she can rest, but Dee's bored out of her skull. Hoshi's also in the infirmary, and he's bored out of his. So over the course of the chapter there are several conversations between them, starting out very basic and clinical and eventually increasing insofar as they're personal.
While all this needs editing and sharpening, I'm pretty happy with most of it. The part that's killing me is the last scene.
The two plots come together in the final few pages. Hoshi has to have an extremely painful procedure done, and the schedule gets changed at the last minute. So Felix can't come down and help him through it, and he asks Dee to hold his hand through it and just keep him talking. Dee does, and about the only question she can come up with is why he left Sagittaron.
Hoshi relates the story (must be trimmed down a bit) while the doctors do the procedure. And this is where I'm having trouble. The idea is that Dee sees him going through this, and realizes two big things:
1.) this is the first time she's ever seen Hoshi truly afraid. She can see how scared he is, having this thing done, but he's holding onto her hand and talking and getting through it anyway. The idea is that Dee's seeing someone be truly strong, but without having that stiff upper lip.
2.) the fact that Hoshi asked her to be there for this and then did tell her the story... he really made himself vulnerable to her.
Seeing him go through this is what finally triggers Dee to break down and start crying and start feeling the grief. It's in no way a full healing- all this scene is meant to do is to open the door, and let Dee begin feeling what she's feeling. She's not even close to healing; she's just beginning the grieving process. And I've been meaning for her to cry on Hoshi's shoulder. The chapter is supposed to end with them both falling asleep in Hoshi's bed- not necessarily on each other, but definitely facing each other.
What I'm having trouble with is making the transition from Hoshi's story to Dee's breakthrough. For Hoshi, this story is old news, and we find out that the doctors had heard it already anyway, because it came out when he gave them his medical history. But for the reader and for Dee, this story is new, and it's not necessarily an easy story for Dee to hear. Dee's mind should be pretty heavily on the story.
I was able to break it up a bit, in that the doctors had left for a little bit and then came back to do a few checks, and I added a little levity in there that got Hoshi out of where he was and Dee's mind off the immediate story. But at the same time, the shift still is seeming awkward to me.
I don't know if posting this section of the scene will help or not, but here it is:
"It's okay," Hoshi cut her off. "Are they gone?"
"They're gone," Dee said.
Hoshi extended his legs, and now that they were alone, she could feel him starting to tremble. It began in his hands and spread throughout his body. His one hand stayed clasped in hers, but the other covered his face as he shook. Dee covered their joined hands with her free one, staring at the image that seemed so familiar to her, and yet so different.
It wasn't until then that she realized Hoshi was crying.
It was quiet, but it shook his body and Dee wasn't sure what to do. If she'd gone through what he'd just taken, she'd be doing the same thing, but she had no idea how to approach it.
"You're not fighting this alone this time," she whispered to him. "You're not alone. I'm here." And as the words left her mouth, it occurred to her that she meant it. "Louis, I'm here."
She wasn't aware that she was crying herself until the tears dripped onto her hands. She moved her top hand and tentatively touched his hair. When he didn't jerk back or yell at her to frak off, she stroked it gently, the short strands soft under her fingers.
She heard footsteps, and touched him more firmly. "Someone's coming," she said, wiping her face.
Hoshi took a deep breath and got himself under control, and then flipped over onto his back, wiping his own cheeks. He tried to wipe at his nose, realized he only had his bare hand, and made a face. Dee started to giggle as she hunted around for something more appropriate. He smiled, too, and by the time Cottle pushed aside the curtain, they were both in hysterical peals of laughter.
"Do I even want to know?" Cottle asked. Dr. Robert was with him, looking from one to the other of them with an amused grin.
"I can't wipe my nose," Hoshi complained, and then bent over again as the laughter convulsed him.
Cottle shook his head, fished a rag from his pockets and handed it to Hoshi. He waited until Hoshi cleaned himself up, and then gestured for him to turn on his side again. "I just want to check and make sure you're not bleeding out on me," he said. Hoshi nodded and obediently turned over.
"Looks like it stopped well enough," Dr. Robert said, peering over Cottle's shoulder. "Going to be a nasty bruise, though."
"I'm still surprised we didn't pick up anything during the biopsy you did on New Caprica," Cottle mused. "Usually if the blood samples warrant something like this…"
"Maybe the Pegasus lab got a bad reading," Dr. Robert said. "Or more likely, the equipment was malfunctioning on New Caprica. Not like we had the best resources there," he said bitterly.
Cottle grunted agreement. He finished his check and then gave Hoshi his pills. "By the way," he said, "if it makes you feel any better, the Admiral had to sit down for a few minutes before he could continue his business."
"You've got guts, I'll give you that, Lieutenant." Dr. Robert added.
They left, discussing the procedure. Hoshi watched them and then shuddered. "I do not want to be Cottle's first attempt at a biopsy," he said. "But I'm pretty sure I'm going to be." He slipped out of bed, wiping his face again with the rag that Cottle had given him. He slipped off the hospital gown, and Dee could see what Dr. Robert meant when he said it was going to be a large bruise. The dark mark was already four or five inches long. He pulled on his tanks and sweats and settled back on the bed, shifting until he was comfortable.
"I'm really sorry about pushing the Sagittaron question," Dee said again.
He waved his hand. "Honestly, Dee, please don't worry about it. It was a long time ago, and all three of them knew parts of it anyway. I had to tell them about it because my medical records were on the Pegasus, and we didn't get the crews records off before we lost the ship. I don't like to talk about it, but I will, especially to the doctors. Dr. Robert was particularly interested in it, and he asked me a lot of questions last time." He gave a small smile. "I'll tell you, though, he's one person who's grateful for the military. When I went down to New Caprica to have the one biopsy done, he hardly had the time of day for me. But when I went over to his ship for this one, he had one of the better bedside manners I've ever seen." He looked at Dee carefully. "I know Cottle isn't really easy to talk to, and not many psychologists escaped the Cylons. But if you ever needed to talk to a doctor about the pregnancy, I'll bet he'd be a really good one to talk- Dee?"
Maybe it was watching something that draining, maybe it was watching Hoshi put himself in such a vulnerable position and come out the other side with his chin up and smiling. Maybe it was her hormones finally kicking in, or maybe it was just Hoshi's gentle suggestion, but she put her face in her hands and burst into tears.
"Dee… Dee, I'm… come here."
Somehow, Dee ended up in the bed with him, lying on her side and crying into his shoulder.
I'm all ears for suggestions on how to smooth this the frak out.
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no subject
Date: 2009-06-08 01:51 am (UTC)The other thing I thought of might be to change Hoshi's last couple lines that set Dee off to something that's not so nail-on-the-head related to her pregnancy. You could try something that's more related to his experience, but something that would set Dee off anyway. Maybe Hoshi talks about how he saw Dr. Robert's bedside manner with little kids, or compares Robert to a doctor he dealt with when he was a kid (this would obviously depend on what age Hoshi was when the cancer first appeared). I would think that the loss of that hope, that vision of having a baby that would grow up, would hit Dee hard enough to get a reaction out of her.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-08 10:51 am (UTC)::sigh:: It was easier when they were beating the shit out of each other. Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-08 03:39 am (UTC)Also, I thought it went kind of fast from Hoshi asking for a kleenex to the two of them laughing hysterically.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-08 04:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-08 10:54 am (UTC)Yeah, that might be one aspect of it. He's still in pain, but not like he was. And that's a good point about the laughing. I'll have to change the phrasing.
They were easier to write beating the shit out of each other. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-08 09:29 am (UTC)The core of this scene is supposed to be Dee crying. Though structurally, the moment that's supposed to be the climax of the scene instead is when Robert und Cottle come in, and when Hoshi talks about Robert. But that's not important for the story you're telling right now; it's just plotty set up for something that you'll do later. So you're marginalizing Dee's reaction. But you're saying that you wrote it before without that interruption, and it didn't work. So I'm not sure. It's hard to navigate blindly.
I bet the actual problem is somewhere else. If the exposition is broken, the climax can't work. :) It looks to me that if you've sufficiently set up Dee's emotional developement, you should just be able to have her start crying without any explanation or trigger whatsoever. It should work. If it doesn't, then that's because you didn't set it up. I've seen this before. Hell, I've DONE this before. :D
Feel free to send over the chapter if you want me to have a look at that.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-08 11:02 am (UTC)I bet the actual problem is somewhere else. If the exposition is broken, the climax can't work. :)
I'm thinking so, but I think it's within the scene. I'm starting to wonder if I can make the two things happen together.
I think the problem I'm having is where they both are emotionally right now. The whole scene before this is Hoshi having the biopsy done and telling Dee the Sagittaron backstory. He's been dreading the procedure through the whole chapter, so he's sort of on the other side right now, and it's over and he should be headed for an upswing. And that's when Dee's breaking down. And while it's a good thing, it's painful for her.
I think my problem with this is through the whole chapter, Dee and Hoshi are starting to get to know each other and understand each other, and there's a point (it's actually right there in that snippet- where Dee calls Hoshi "Louis" for the first time without any sort of prompting) where Dee realizes that Hoshi actually means something to her and maybe she likes him. This is where their friendship is beginning. And what essentially happens in this scene is a one-upping: "I just had a pencil-sized needle stuck through my hip!" "Oh yeah? I just lost my baby!"
I might need to rethink the location of Dee's breakdown... ooooooh. There's a point right before this when Hoshi was listening to a religious service on the wireless. I might switch the order, give him a little breathing time, and then have that scene and Dee listening and... yeah. THAT might work.
::goes off to write:: Actually, goes off to get the kids up and take Toby to OT, but yeah. THAT might work...
Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-08 03:36 pm (UTC)I like the idea of giving Hoshi some breathing room. Maybe Dee listens to the service and is quiet. And just like she had noticed Hoshi and had become attuned to him during his procedure maybe he's realizing she's crying. And maybe he asks her about it. It happens in real life conversations that after someone has shared something big with another person, they feel open and vulnerable and are ready to hear the other person's story too.
They are both hurting in the scene and are becoming aware of each other's pain. Oooh! Dee could break down and him hold her hand and her not not tell her story. Maybe Hoshi could just say she doesn't have to and says if she's ever ready . . . it leave an opening to their future, gets rid of the one-up manship because her story is yet untold but they still get to bond in the scene.
Or none this is helpful and you've already written the scene and figured everything out. That would be great too. :-)