"I'm a Good Wife Because..."

[lls_mutant]

I had my Mothers of Preschoolers meeting today, which is always a really nice, really fun time. There's child care, and then 64 women, all (duh) mothers of preschoolers, get together and have a really nice breakfast, listen to a speaker, do crafts, have discussions, whatever. It's a lovely organization. It's also a Christian one. And it focuses very strongly on supporting mothers and women in general, and I've never felt that this chapter is at all judgmental about things like divorce or single motherhood or anything like that. (I don't think we HAVE any single mothers, but I think that's because the meetings are at 9:00 on a Wednesday morning. We also just don't have many mothers that work full time (or at least conventional hours) because of when it's held. And most single moms are working moms, too.)

Anyway. One of the things that happens every meeting is that the group that makes breakfast gets up and each member introduces themselves and answers a light-hearted question. It changes from month to month. My group had to answer "Something I want to do for ME this year is _____ ". Cool, right? Today's group had to answer "I'm a good wife because..."

Wow. Was the reaction to that question depressing.

It wasn't just the women answering it. It was every one of us looking at each other and saying "wow. I don't know how to answer that!"

Now, I'm sure that in a group of 64 women, there are women struggling very hard with their marriages right now. For some, it might just be a stupid fight they had with their husbands this morning and they'll kiss and make up tonight, but others may be teetering on divorce. There's probably at least one woman in that room who has had or will have an affair. But I know I was in that room, and I know my marriage, and I felt hard-pressed to answer that question. And it's not because I'm a bad wife. I love my husband dearly, I feel like we have a great marriage, and while there are things we could stand to work on (who doesn't have that?), I'm very confident and comfortable that our marriage will last until death do us part. I should be able to answer that question no problem.

And yet, all I could think was "thank God I don't have to do it this month!" But if you asked me "what do you need to work on as a wife?" I could reel off a list in a heartbeat.

And it hit me. It's not the "good wife" part. It's the getting up in front of everyone and saying "you know what? This is what I'm awesome at." We just aren't trained to do that. And a quick survey of the women at my table resulted in wide eyes and "YES! That's my thing, too!" Even when we don't mean to, we associate being wives with sacrifice and martyrdom, and we don't stand up and take the credit that is rightfully ours.

In some ways, I suppose that's good. I'm a big fan of 1 Corinthians 13, and Paul's right when he says "Love is never boastful." Because seriously? Keeping score is a bad thing to do in marriage- even if you're keeping score of the positive, because then you start resenting your partner for what they might not be doing. And getting complacent, only focusing on what you do right, is a bad thing. You need to see what you're doing wrong, too. A balance is necessary.

But a balance is necessary. We should be able to say, "hell yeah, I AM good at this! I don't get jealous and worry unnecessarily when my husband travels! I buy him his favorite soup and listen to him when he needs to talk and I support him in what he needs." Why are we so hesitant to say that? Why do those things not jump to our brain quicker, and even if they do, why is it so hard to get them our of our mouths?

I don't know if men would have a problem with this, too. Part of that is because I can't see a group of men gathering and having this sort of discussion in this large of numbers and taking it seriously. At least, not the men I know. (I'm pretty sure at least one guy cite how awesome he is in bed. Maybe he'd mean it, maybe he'd be going for the joke answer because he doesn't want to put his emotions out there, but I'm positive this would be said.) But I wonder if that "I shouldn't say it or even think I'm good at it" thing kicks in.

Anyway, yeah, that realization was sort of a downer. And it's funny, because I've been thinking a lot about feminism and women's issues these days. Partly because of a discussion that came off the is-slash-misogynistic discussions, partly because I just read "A Thousand Splendid Suns", and try NOT to think about these issues after reading that, and partly because I've been trying to pat out the ideas for an original novel, and I'm trying to be conscious of gender, race, and orientation, especially as this is an "aliens invaded Earth and enslaved the population" type of thing- we need more than white upper-class Americans in this. And I'm writing Cally!fic, which is really fun and ends up taking the gender!fail of 4.5 and showing them how it didn't have to suck so badly on that score if they'd just kept Cally alive. ::mutters::

Anyway, those are my deep and meaningful thoughts of the day. The rest of my brain was in use thinking about what amounts to space pirates.

Comments

[snorkackcatcher]

But I wonder if that "I shouldn't say it or even think I'm good at it" thing kicks in

Yes. Well, for me, anyway. I can't speak for the entire male sex, but given how people struggle with selling themselves on CVs and so on, I suspect it's reasonably common.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

I find that oddly reassuring, and at the same time, even more depressing. People should be able to acknowledge the things they're good at without feeling guilty or being called conceited. ::Puts Atlas Shrugged down now::

[blue-crow.livejournal.com]

It's the getting up in front of everyone and saying "you know what? This is what I'm awesome at." We just aren't trained to do that.

Actually, this makes me really glad to have been to art school- or maybe that's just something you need to know how to do to get in. I think other disciplines are less boastful, but the whole art school thing is really being trained to be so confidant in your abilities and ideas that you can say without a doubt, 'my ideas are worth your time, because they and I are awesome, and here's why.'

I'm not sure its a gender thing- then again, it might be and I might spend time around a bunch of people who have been trained out of it. But most of my classmates are women and while some of them are less certain of their work, many of them are quite confidant.

The balance is way important. To improve you always need the list of things you could do better. But focusing on the negative is never the way to present yourself, I guess- I never want to read fic that's begun with a full disclaimer about how bad the fic is, how quickly it was written, how sugarhigh the person was when they wrote it. Maybe that situation is very different- but it probably shouldn't be.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

This is an interesting concept, and it makes sense. I mean, I can get up and say "here's my research, and it has worth," but the worth of my research is more solidly based in fact. (It's also kind of necessary to read- or at least read the abstract- of pretty much anything published in your area of research, so the advertising almost does itself.) Whereas in art, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

(Also, I totally agree with you about "warning! bad fic!" being a total turnoff.)

I'm getting the impression that it's not a gender thing, but a people thing.

[grey-sw.livejournal.com]

I think people are hesitant to say these things because it means showing vulnerability before a group: somebody might laugh, or snark, or one-up you, or flat-out contradict you, and that hurts. It's hard to say something you think someone might disagree with, and even more so when it's an issue close to you. So we all keep silent to protect ourselves. On the other hand, when it's "this and that is what I need to work on", the worst thing that can happen is that someone will agree with you... which isn't as hurtful, because you brought it up first. Besides, there's no disagreement, so there's still that primate-sense that you're a welcome member of the troop, so to speak (ook ook ook EEK EEK etc!)

In my experience, people hardly ever discuss issues like this in other than very close company. On the one hand, it's neat that you guys do, but on the other, it'll be difficult, because your instincts are constantly going WARNING! WARNING! SELF-ESTEEM DANGER IN CONVERSATIONAL SECTION TWO! at you. Maybe it might help if you write it down in a private journal or something?

edit: oh, yeah, I meant to mention that one convenient exception to the "we don't talk about that" rule is the internet, where nobody knows you're a dog. Between quasi-anonymity and typing rather than saying, it's just easier to risk disapproval here. <3

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

The vulnerability point is interesting- thank you! The most I ever took was psych 101, so I hardly know a thing about some of this stuff.

That might be a part of the reason it felt uncomfortable, too. I mean, usually the questions are more ice breaker variety- a favorite Thanksgiving tradition, New Year's resolution, favorite Christmas memory... this one was a little more personal in its way.

And way too true about the internet! :)

[safenthecity.livejournal.com]

Urgh, that question would make me really uncomfortable as well, but I think for different reasons. For me, I don't have particularly good assocations with the term 'wife,' especially pertaining to heterosexual marriages. For whatever reason, while the idea of being married to someone doesn't bother me, the idea of being a wife does. Does that make sense? I don't know. But I know that if I were married and someone asked me what made me a good wife, I would be really incomfortable because of what "wife," in my very special mind, implies.

But that's just my two cents. Why people are reluctant to own up to their goodness I don't know. I try to own what I do well and what I suck at pretty evenly. It keeps me sane.

[rinelk.livejournal.com]

I felt a little of the same thing. History keeps "husband" from having an all-consuming connotation, but thinking about being good at being a wife really brings out the 50s vibe that word can have. So you two sort of attenuated challenges to feminism: even regarding it as desirable to be a good wife, and suggesting however obliquely that good wives are more likely to be found in a group of people who do relatively little paid work than the larger population. If we weren't so attentive to gender politics, it probably would pass below our notice, but we are, so even a mild, indirect, and unintentional suggestion that women should stay home and make babies can make one feel oppositional. But she specifically said it wasn't the "good wife" part which made her pause (and I'm delighted she feels that way).

And I should point out, as a man, that jokes are often serious. Yes, the obvious joke to make would be that one is a good lover, or even just has a humongous schlong, but most of us see attentiveness to one's partner's sexual needs as a genuinely very important expression of love, and probably the nicest thing any person can do for another except organ donation or other life-saving activities.

If I were to have to give one reason I'm a good husband, I too would find it much easier to think of flaws than strengths, but I know I tend to feel like I've done well when I reduce my wife's stress level rather than increase it. It matters a lot to me (and hopefully to her) that her job search, stressful as it is, is going a lot more smoothly because I'm not forcing her into a situation where we're both looking.

Took a long time to think of an answer, though, and it's not like I'm a miserable husband, so I suspect a little of the same thing is going on. Then again, I'm a pretty atypical guy in a lot of ways, so I'm not the greatest test case.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Ah, Kelse. :) CPR, organ donation, orgasms. Okay, so I TOTALLY get what you're saying, but your list amuses me nonetheless. :)

Yeah, it's not like I can't come up with ways I'm a good wife. The first one that occurred to me is that Howard travels a LOT for work, and I'm never insecure about that. I don't take it personally and I've never once even thought there was someone else. I can come up with a lot of reasons, but it was just my gut instinct way "I have no clue! " It was very strange.

It is seeming like it more be a people thing than a woman thing, though. (Based on my highly structured survey here.)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

It does make sense, because while I don't have the connotations with the word "wife", I definitely do with "stay at home mom" versus "housewife." I am a SAHM, I am NOT a housewife. I refuse to be a housewife, even if that's what I technically am right now. But "wife" is, to me, literally "a female partner in a marriage." In a homosexual marriage, I consider them both wives or husbands, although I think if I was married to a woman I'd probably prefer the term "partner" myself.

But yeah, even though I don't feel it on that word, I know how you feel based on other words :)

[prophetkristy.livejournal.com]

SPACE PIRATESSSSSSS!!

*ahem*

You *are* an awesome wife. You're an awesome cook and you never seem to be all that down about how much your husband travels.

Actually, these things just make you awesome as a person! Why should being a person be any different than being a wife? (how's THAT for feminism?)