lls_mutant | FIC: The Touch of Your Grace

Title: The Touch of Your Grace
Author:

lls_mutant
Pairing: Felix Gaeta/Noel "Narcho" Allison
Rating: R
Spoilers: Through the current webisodes, speculation based on trailers for 4.5.
Summary: "You think you're the only one on this ship who feels guilt over the things he's done?"
Warnings: Talk of rape. (No rape takes place "on screen".)
Author's Notes: I got curious about the idea that Narcho was the first choice for Gaeta's lover in the webisodes, especially as he strikes me as exceedingly different from Hoshi. Thanks a million to my beta

trovia, who really helped me out with this one.

"Listen up!" Helo shouted over the racket. "We need a new call sign for Lieutenant Agathon!"

"Carburetor!" was Noel's shouted suggestion. She was a Cylon. A thing. Didn't matter if she was married to a human, she was a machine. He repeated the mantra in his head.

"Athena," Hot Dog suggested.

Athena. The goddess who had sprung, fully grown, from Zeus's head. The name fit.

The group settled back down, and Noel tried to turn back to the game. But he couldn't concentrate. He rubbed his forehead, but the familiar headache was growing.

"I'm gonna call it a night," he said, after losing the hand.

Cole looked up at him, eyebrows raised. "You sure?"

"Yeah. I've got early duty tomorrow anyway," Noel lied.

As he passed Helo's table, his hand brushed against Sharon-now-Athena's hair, and he shuddered. Cylons might be machines, but he'd never be able to tell with his eyes closed.

***

He expected the nightmare that night. Most other nightmares were blurry, ludicrous distortions of reality, but not this one. A woman struggling against him, fear in her eyes, her breath on his neck as she cried.

He made it out of bed just in time to vomit into a can in the corner.

"You okay, Narcho?" Shark asked blearily.

"Fine," he said. "What they call whiskey on this ship tastes like shit."

Shark muttered agreement and turned back over, and Noel climbed back into his own rack. It had been over a year. The dream should be going away.

But it wasn't.

***

The crowd was gone, but the mood lingered. The dance was over and his tags had never been drawn. Noel scowled in irritation as he finished coiling the last rope and tossed it into a corner, and then shrugged his fatigue jacket on.

"Everything done?"

Noel turned. Gaeta was looking around at the near-empty deck, hands in his pockets as he shifted restlessly.

"Just about. Ring's down, but the table and the chalkboard are still here."

Gaeta grabbed an eraser and started on the chalkboard. Noel watched him from the corner of his eye. It was rare to see Gaeta in anything but his duty blues. Noel wondered idly if that was because his civilian clothes made everyone think of New Caprica, or if Gaeta had been like that anyway.

"Frakking dance," Gaeta muttered into the silence.

"Don't like it?" Noel asked.

"Would like it better if my tags got drawn."

Noel snorted. "Your tags were in there? I'm surprised no one called you out." Gaeta rolled his eyes, and Noel grinned predatorily. "Who would you have called out?"

Gaeta shrugged. "I don't know. Sharon Agathon, probably."

"The Cylon? What the frak? If you could have gotten her in the ring, she would have killed you. Do you have a death wish?"

"Who would you have called out?" Gaeta asked, instead of remotely answering the question. There was an edge in his eyes, something that didn't go with duty blues and CIC and computer consoles.

"Got me," Noel said. "Whoever could have given me the best fight, probably."

Gaeta smiled. It was nowhere near a happy expression. "It's not too late."

"What, now?" Gaeta didn't look like he'd be much of an opponent, but beggars couldn't be choosers. "There's no ref."

"Don't care."

Noel shrugged off his fatigues. "You're on."

The gloves were already put away, and Noel noticed that Gaeta didn't suggest they pull them out. As he wrapped his hands, he watched Gaeta pull off his own jacket and start wrapping his own tapes. He wasn't a large man; Noel anticipated he'd be quick rather than strong. He also noticed the play of muscles in his arms and a haunted look about him that at another time might start his blood burning a whole different way. But right now, he needed this release.

They circled each other, feinting and testing. Gaeta's punches were quite graceless, but his reflexes were quick. His motions were sharp and angry, guarded and quick. And when he landed a right cross across Noel's cheek, the bout began in earnest.

They weren't evenly matched; Noel knew that going in. But it felt so good to fight, to let out the anger and the rage and to let it out, pounding into his opponent mercilessly.

Up to a point, anyway.

There was a moment when his arms began to tire and his vision began to clear, and he slowed down. Gaeta's mouth was bloody and his eyes were angry as they met his, and he was retreating. Noel moved in on him, breathing heavily.

"That's enough," he heard himself saying.

Gaeta shook his head. "I'm still standing."

Standing with blood running down his face and his skin already bruising, backing away. His shoulders hit a wall, and Noel stepped right into his face. "It's over."

Gaeta turned his head and spit the blood out, wiping his mouth on his forearm. "I'm not done."

"I am. I got what I wanted."

"Yeah, well I didn't."

"Then find someone else to beat the shit out of you. I'm done."

Gaeta lifted his chin, his eyes ice cold and hard. And yet, they were standing so close and the air was so hot between them that it wasn't really a shock when his hand shot out and pulled Noel's head closer into something like a kiss, but so much more edged and biting.

The fight was gone but the adrenaline was not, and this was exactly what he needed. He bit down on Gaeta's lips and Gaeta's hips bucked into his as he groaned.

"Frak me," Gaeta whispered, when Noel let him up for air. "Hard."

Noel didn't need to be asked twice. He yanked at his own pants with one hand and pushed on Gaeta's shoulder with the other. "You got lube?" he asked.

Gaeta spit into his hand and slicked Noel's erection. "That'll work," he gasped, turning back around and bracing himself against the wall. "Come on. Do it."

He pushed in, because Gaeta sure as hell seemed to know what he wanted. And it was exactly what he needed, hot and fast and hard, uninhibited and completely without pretension to being anything but what it was. When they were done Gaeta collapsed against the wall and Noel against Gaeta, both of them breathing heavily.

"You're one hell of a frak," Noel told him.

"Thanks," Gaeta said, closing his eyes. "Seriously. Thanks."

"Any time." He was relaxing now, and now that the restless need for action was sated, he could take the situation better. He was aware that his right eye was throbbing and touched it gingerly. Who would have guessed that Gaeta, CIC brownnoser and mouse, had this in him? He grinned and pulled out.

That was when he noticed the blood.

"Shit! Gaeta, are you okay?"

Gaeta turned around, hitching his own pants back up to where they belonged. "I'm fine," he said. But Noel noticed he didn't even ask what he was talking about.

"What the hell are you playing at?" he demanded, slamming Gaeta against the wall again. Gaeta didn't squirm or look away, he just met Noel's gaze evenly and didn't answer. Noel sighed. "Fine. Don't tell me. I don't really care. But we're getting you to sickbay."

"No, we're not."

Noel stepped back and reassembled his clothing, then picked up their jackets and handed Gaeta his. As Gaeta took a few steps forward, his face twisted in pain and he had to stop. "We're going," Noel said. "That's an order, Lieutenant."

That got a smile, brief and fleeting though it was. "Fine," was all Gaeta said. But he did accept help as Noel put his arm around his waist, leading him to sickbay.

Gaeta didn't speak on their way, and that was fine with Noel. He didn't really want to know if this was an accident or intentional, and Gaeta's silence left him free to think what he wanted- or not think at all. Somehow, that was easier.

When they walked in, Ishay spotted them and groaned. "I thought we were done with the boxing injuries," she said with a scowl. "Where the hell have you two been?"

"It's not just that," Noel began, and then very suddenly realized just how bad this was going to look, especially since Gaeta looked far, far worse than he did. "It's… um…"

Gaeta sighed. "We got a little over enthusiastic and forgot the lube."

Ishay looked from one to the other of them. "Right." She measured them once more and then grabbed Gaeta by the arm, pulling him away. "You stay right there," she ordered, especially as Gaeta yelped with the loss of balance.

Noel shifted uncomfortably. He could hear Ishay questioning Gaeta behind a privacy curtain, and Gaeta's responses. The words were unclear, but his tone was brisk and annoyed. Finally, the curtain pulled back and Gaeta moved out towards the door. Noel was going to follow him, but Ishay came over, still glaring at him suspiciously. "You need help?" she asked ungraciously. Noel shook his head. She snorted disbelief and shined a light in his eyes and inflicted a few other indignities.

She had a blood pressure cuff tight around his arm when she said, "He says it was entirely consensual, and that it was even his idea."

"Damn right," Noel said, eyes narrowing. His chest tightened and he slammed the doors in his mind shut.

Ishay's face was stony. "I'll believe him this time. But if he's in here again with a bloody face and that kind of damage, you're headed for the brig. Got it, Lieutenant?"

"Yes,sir," Noel ground out, and then hustled out of the infirmary.

But by the time he got into the hall, Gaeta was nowhere to be seen.

***

It was no surprise when he had the nightmare again that night. The surprise was when the body below his shifted, shortening and broadening until it became Gaeta's.

But when he woke he could fall back asleep, because this time he knew it was just a dream.

***

Gaeta addressed them three days later, outlining a training mission. If you looked carefully enough, you could see the bruise at the corner of his mouth. But Noel noticed that no one seemed to really be looking. When the briefing was over, he stayed slumped in his seat until the other pilots had left the room.

Gaeta seemed to linger as well. He was still shuffling papers when everyone was gone. Noel pushed out of his chair and idly approached him.

"You feeling better?" he asked.

Gaeta looked up and shrugged. "Guess so. Why do you ask?"

"You're joking, right?"

"Not particularly. It just wasn't something I planned on talking about." Gaeta looked back down at his notes. Noel unconsciously did, too, noting that Gaeta had rather slender fingers and neat handwriting. He glanced back up at his face. Gaeta was avoiding his gaze. But standing this close, Noel could feel the heat from his body, smell the faint scent of soap that clung to him, see where he'd missed with the razor that morning.

"So you didn't plan on talking about it," he said, pitching his voice low and stepping even closer. "Did you plan on any sort of repeat performance?"

Gaeta raised his eyebrows. "Not much of a boxer, if you hadn't picked that up yet."

"Yeah, I figured that out. And you know that's not what I meant."

"Yes. I know." Gaeta glanced towards the door, and then he moved in, kissing Noel hard.

Noel had actually been thinking off duty, drinks, and racks, but he wasn't going to have trouble adapting to the idea. He responded immediately, pulling Gaeta against him, mouth on his and hands roaming from shoulder to thighs.

Gaeta pushed him up against the wall and dropped to his knees, fumbling with the fly of the flight suit. It was hot, fast, messy, and not overly skillful, but then, it didn't need to be. In minutes, Noel was leaning against the wall panting for breath, and Gaeta was standing back up, straightening his uniform.

"You'd better get to the hangar deck," Gaeta said, picking his papers up and looking nothing like a man who'd just given a blow job seconds before. "I'll see you around, Lieutentant."

"Wait-" Noel began, but Gaeta was gone, his polished shoes clicking against the metal floor in precise staccato beats. Noel leaned his head back, closing his eyes.

This was going to be one hell of a day.

***

"I don’t get it," Noel grunted, pushing the barbell up. Cole was standing over his head, lightly poised as he spotted him.

"I don't get why you're complaining," Cole replied. "If a piece of hot ass kept giving me blow jobs with nothing required of me, I wouldn't be arguing about it."

"I'm not arguing," Noel hastily qualified. "I just don't get it."

"Sounds like you're getting lots," Hot Dog put in from the military press.

"Shut up," Noel told him.

"But he does have a point," Cole said grudgingly.

"If it happened once or twice, sure." Noel heaved the barbell back into place and sat up. "Six times. He's done it six times."

"If you want to direct him my way-" Hot Dog offered.

"Shut up!"

"I just can't shake the feeling that there's more to it," Noel said as he stood up to spot Cole. "And I just don't think it's good."

***

The thing was he was attracted to Gaeta. Extremely attracted. So whenever Gaeta found him, it was hard to resist, because he wanted this. It was purely physical- Noel didn't even know Gaeta's first name, and hadn't bothered to ask. But things like that had never bothered him before, and he didn't get why they should bother him here in the showers, his back against the cold tile of the wall and his fingers tangled in Gaeta's hair.

But they did.

***

Noel couldn't sleep- the hunger made his belly tight and him irritable. He knew he should rest, conserve his energy, because so far no one had found any sort of food source and what they had wasn't going to last much longer. But he couldn't, and so he was here, in the empty gym, jabbing at the heavy back and trying to burn off his edginess without burning off his strength.

He was surprised when the door opened and Gaeta came in, wearing his tanks and fatigue bottoms. And judging by the way Gaeta pulled back on seeing Noel, he'd been expecting to be alone as well.

"Need a spot?" he asked, more because he needed to say something.

Gaeta shook his head. "Not lifting. Thanks, though." He began to wrap his own hands.

Noel watched him covertly. When Gaeta turned away, he could see the edge of a tattoo on his back. Odd that he hadn't realized that was there before. He wasn't sure if he was imagining it, but it seemed like the air got heavier, and something crackled between them. And he was pretty sure he saw Gaeta watching him from the corner of his eye. Considering. Like a lean, hungry cat, ready to pounce.

"Want a bout?" Gaeta asked him.

"Yeah. Sounds good."

He knew, he knew how this was going to go. He was sure of it, even before they both stepped into the center of the room. And he stepped there because he wanted it.

They circled each other, guards raised, light, testing jabs. Like this was truly a boxing match, and they didn't both know how it was going to end. And Noel even let Gaeta land the first punch, because suddenly, he got it. That punch was meant to set the tone, to give him permission- to let everything loose. And he did.

And then Gaeta landed an uppercut in Noel's ribs, and something cracked into pain.

Pain had never been something that made him stop. Instead, he landed a hard right cross across Gaeta's face, sending him flying to the floor, and followed it up with a kick to the ribs. Gaeta rolled away, pulling himself to his feet slowly, eyes closed. And Noel could see where this could go, if they both let it- the fire was too hot in his blood and Gaeta was only going to come back for more. So he closed the distance between them in two steps, and fastened his mouth over Gaeta's.

Gaeta opened his mouth under his, his body melding against Noel's. But he was biting as much as he was kissing, and his hands encircled Noel's biceps, the fingers digging in. He started to push Noel back against the wall, but this time, Noel pushed back, pulling away.

"No," he gasped. "Not this time."

Gaeta pulled back, eyes narrowing as he studied Noel's face. "What do you want then?"

His body was still right there, flush against him, and the energy of the fight was still running through them both. But unlike the first time, this didn't seem like it was just a frak. There was something more here, something insidious and complicated. Gaeta saw his hesitation, and struck him across the face.

Noel grabbed his wrist, holding it tightly enough to bruise and turning him around roughly. "You frakking bastard," he growled, and bit his neck. Gaeta gasped, eyes closed and head bent, pushing back against him. His arms strained against Noel's grip, but not hard enough to break out. He pushed Gaeta over the weight bench and tore at both their pants, and then pinned Gaeta's arms against the equipment with his own.

And hesitated.

Just for a moment, a split second of knowing this was as confusing as shit and not sure he wanted any part of it. And then Gaeta turned his head.

"I frakked a Cylon."

"What?"

"On New Caprica. An Eight. I frakked her."

Hot anger ripped through him as the words hit harder than any blow ever could. He thought of raiders, swooping towards them, heart accelerating in fear, showers of fire and sparks and blood as Viper after Viper, Raptor after Raptor, ship after ship, friend after friend blew into pyrotechnic smithereens. Stories he'd heard of New Caprica, stories he remembered from the Colonies, all in flashes that lasted no more than the space of a heartbeat.

He pushed in roughly, his hand over Gaeta's mouth to stifle a scream that never came.

The power of it surged through his veins, coursed through his blood, and he lost the shattered vestiges of his control. He'd felt like this once before, in a slim, long body and matted blonde hair under his fingers. The image fled as he opened his eyes, and Gaeta's hand closed around his, and release shot through him, whiting out the world.

He stayed there for a long moment, on his knees, leaning against Gaeta's back, the weight bench supporting both of them as they caught their breath. Finally he pulled away, and this time he wasn't at all surprised to see the blood. He readjusted his clothing hastily, but Gaeta stayed at the bench, head buried in his arms.

A sick feeling flooded Noel, intensely enough that he had to scramble for a waste can in the corner and vomit. When he was done he looked up to see Gaeta watching him.

"There's not as much damage on your face as I thought there would be," he said sourly.

"You've got a nasty cut on your cheek," Gaeta said. "Sorry about that."

Noel touched it, wincing at the stickiness as much as the pain. He shook his head. "What the frak is going on in your head?" he demanded, although he could guess the answer. "And why me?"

"Excuse me?" Gaeta shifted cautiously, turning to face Noel more directly. He was trying to slip back into that professional, poised exterior, but this time it wasn't working, like his hands were shaking too much as he tried to pull on a suit that didn't quite fit.

"Actually, just answer the why me part? I get that you get off on this masochistic shit. But why the frak me? I didn't lose any more than anyone else on New Caprica. I've hardly ever spoken to you. Hell, I don't even know your first name!"

"Felix," Gaeta said idly.

"Excuse me?" Noel mimicked.

"My first name. It's Felix."

"Well, Felix- and I'm going to call you that because I think being up your ass twice qualifies me to address you by your bare name- would you mind answering the real question? Why me?"

Gaeta shrugged. "You seemed into it," he said simply. "And you were on the Pegasus."

"Not every man on the Pegasus rode that bitch," Noel said.

"I know." Gaeta's eyes were clear and fastened on his. "You did."

"You don't know a damn thing about it," Noel said, turning his face away. His stomach began to rebel again, and he leaned his head against his knees, breathing deeply.

"I didn't think I needed to," Gaeta said softly.

"You think you're the only one on this ship who feels guilt over the things he's done?"

"Sometimes it feels like it," Gaeta snorted, but as Noel stared at him he visibly softened. He crept over, crawling, and sat down beside Noel, shoulder to shoulder. "I'm sorry," he said finally, very softly. "I went to far."

"I didn't stop you," Noel said with a bitter laugh. He leaned his head against Gaeta's shoulder, and felt Gaeta lean against him. In the echoes of the violence, they were silent.

***

Noel was slumped in his chair in the pilots' ready room when Cole walked in, and then drew up short. "What the frak?" he demanded.

"It's nothing. Just boxing. I heard they're sending us looking for food. Is that true?"

"Never mind. I want to know-" but even Cole had to cut off, because Apollo was walking in the door.

And he was accompanied by Gaeta.

Noel had told the truth when he said there wasn't much damage to Gaeta's face, but if you looked, you could see the traces of a shiner, and bruises on his neck where the teeth marks were. Noel would bet fifty-one out of fifty-two pilots weren't looking.

But Cole was, and the minute the briefing was over and everyone was gone and they were alone, he turned on Noel.

"Gaeta again?" he demanded. "What the frak?"

Noel drew himself up. "It's not your business."

"No?" Cole said, not backing down at all. "When one of my pilots shows up with bruises on his face, it's my business. When I have good reason to believe he's lying about how he got them, it's my business. And when one of my friends is clearly getting frakked over-"

"It's not like that, okay?" Noel insisted, shrugging him off. "It's getting sorted."

Cole looked at him for a long time. "It had better," he said finally. "Or I'm going all the way to Adama about this. I mean it, Noel. No more of this." He turned on his heels and walked out.

"Right," Noel said to the empty flight room. "No more of this."

***

"So," Hot Dog asked two weeks later. "Still getting those mysterious blow jobs?"

"Shut up, Costanza," Noel snapped.

"I'll take it that's a no, then," Hot Dog said gleefully. "Too bad."

Noel glared at him, but didn't really have the energy to argue. Nearby, Cole gave him a grim smile. Noel turned away, pretending he hadn't seen. He really didn't feel like answering questions right now, especially when he knew Cole wouldn't like the answer.

The truth was he hadn't seen Gaeta in the two weeks, and he really, really wanted to.

***

"I've got nothing," Noel said, tossing in his cards.

Helo grinned around his lollipop-substitute (whatever it was- Noel somehow doubted that they'd made algae lollipops) and raked in the pot. "It's all mine," he said happily.

"Bastard," Gaeta sighed. He began to shuffle the cards. As he did, his eyes flicked to Noel's face, as if he was gauging. Noel sat back, watching him intently and wondering how the others could be so frakking stupid that they weren't picking up what was passing between the two of them with nearly audible sparks. "Everyone still in?"

"I am," Helo said, and Racetrack and whatshisface- Timmins, maybe? Some CIC drone- concurred.

"One more hand," Noel said. "My rackmates are out and I might actually sleep."

"Sleep?" Helo demanded. "Sleep is for the weak!"

"Yeah, well." Noel sniffed haughtily. "CAG's got us in for an early briefing."

"We can sleep during the briefing," Racetrack suggested.

He had no real respect for Apollo, but Noel treated that suggestion to the glare it deserved. Of course, he didn't plan on sleeping, anyway, and there was only one real reason he was playing cards with this group, and that reason had just finished dealing the hand.

The hand seemed to stretch on forever. It was hard to concentrate with Gaeta sitting across the table, focused on his cards and laughing at something Racetrack was saying. And when the hand was called, he was in no way shocked to find out he'd lost.

"Well, I'm headed to my rack," he said. "Good night." They all said goodnight, but Gaeta didn't even look up.

He walked back to the racks that he shared with the others from the Pegasus and checked his watch. They'd be gone for another hour; he was pretty sure on that, and the boots might buy another ten minutes before someone started banging on the door. He hoped he was right about this.

He was stretched on his bunk reading a report when the door opened, and he leapt off. Gaeta entered, a wary look on his face.

"I assume-" he began, but before he could finish Noel had crossed the room and pulled him in, kissing him hard.

Gaeta- Felix his mind whispered, but not yet- melded right to him, his hands working under Noel's clothes. But as he began to push Noel backwards, Noel grabbed his wrists and flipped him, so he landed on his back in Noel's rack. Before he could move, Noel pinned him down with his body, not letting go of his wrists despite the fact that Gaeta was starting to struggle.

"Before we do this," Noel said, "you and I are going to get something straight." Gaeta stilled, watching him warily. "If we're going to keep this up, it's going to be on my terms.

"You don't have to love me, that's fine. I sure as hell don't love you. You don't even have to like me, although I kind of think we might like each other if we'd actually talk for once. But if we're frakking, we're frakking for one reason only; because we both get off on it."

Gaeta's eyes narrowed. "Who says we haven't been?"

Noel shook his head and rearranged his hands so that one was still holding Gaeta's wrists, and the other could undo his pants. He tugged them down and then shifted again so both his hands were pinning Gaeta's arms to the bed. "We haven't been," he said, and lowered his head and began.

Gaeta fought him. Of all that they'd done so far, this was the first time he'd really fought. Not hard- Noel didn't really have to work to keep him down, but hard enough, until biology overcame psychology and he gave in, straining against Noel's mouth and gasping into release.

Noel pulled away gently, swallowing and crawling up to lie beside Gaeta. Gaeta was still breathing heavily, one arm thrown over his face.

"Felix?" Noel asked softly.

"It's not supposed to go like this," Gaeta whispered, arm still over his face.

"It doesn't have to," Noel pointed out. "You can walk out of here. Find someone else to beat the shit out of you. But if you're going to keep coming to me, it's going to go like this."

Gaeta finally moved his arm from his face, revealing red eyes and a grim determination. "All right," he said, turning on his side so he was facing Noel. With one hand tucked under his cheek, he looked impossibly young. "We'll do it your way."

Noel smiled. "I knew you'd see reason," he laughed, and began undoing Gaeta's jacket properly.

"Yeah, well, blow jobs do tend to have that effect," Gaeta agreed, and this time when his hands slid under Noel's tanks, Noel let them.

***

"It's not going to end up well," Cole told him a week later.

Noel smiled. "Maybe not," he agreed. "But it will be one hell of a ride."

***

The mess was nearly empty. Noel looked around, balancing his tray. To his surprise, he saw Felix sitting alone at a table, staring distastefully at his own food.

"Hey," he said, sitting down next to him.

Felix looked up, raising his eyebrows in surprise. "Hi. I thought you were on duty."

"Just got off." Noel poked the sludge in front of him. "I think this is an experiment that failed."

"My stomach is telling me I'm hungry," Felix said, "but I'm not convinced I'm that hungry yet."

"Funny how a month ago algae actually tasted good."

They smiled at each other. Noel picked up his fork, but he noticed Felix still wasn't eating. Something about the way he was sitting suggested that it wasn't just the lack of cuisine.

"Something wrong?"

Felix shrugged. "Not really."

"Okay, then, I've got a question for you."

"Ask away."

Noel swallowed. "I got a proposition today when I was over on the Zephyr. Turned it down because I do have standards, but also because I really figured I should ask. Are we exclusive?"

"Huh." Felix sat back and considered that. "Good question."

"Yeah."

"What do you think?"

"I think you're either on duty, in your lab, or in my bed, so I'd say you are."

Felix gave his fair enough nod. "If I am, you are," he said.

"Right."

"Right."

They smiled at each other again, and then Noel leaned in. "Then if we're exclusive, you'll tell me what the hell is bothering you."

Felix looked around and pushed his plate away. "Fine," he said, "but not here. Let's go somewhere else."

With a shrug, Noel scooped up both plates and followed Felix out of the mess.

***

Noel stared down at the quivering mass on his plate. "I've never heard any of that before." He finally gave up on the meal as a bad job and took one of the cigarettes Felix had offered him two hours ago.

"Yeah, well, no one has." Felix leaned his head back against the airlock wall. "It's not exactly something I tell people about."

"Yeah, I can see why." Noel took a long drag. "Although, hate to tell you this, but I think everyone pretty much assumed you were frakking Baltar anyway."

"I know."

"But the part about Circle. And the gun…"

"Yeah. Exactly." Felix stretched his legs out in front of him. "Wouldn't blame you if you wanted to walk away at this point."

"Because you couldn't bring yourself to shoot Baltar?" Noel asked mockingly. "Felix, come on. No offense, but you're a CIC guy. I'm not exactly shocked."

"Gee. Thanks. You know, I am the one who fires the nukes."

"Yeah, but that's not the same thing as killing a man face to face. Especially a man that you… I don't even know what to call it."

"I loved him," Felix said simply. "Just because it went to hell and wasn't reciprocated doesn't mean I didn't love him."

Noel tipped his own head back and closed his eyes. The smoke flooded his lungs, and he blew it out slowly. It burned each breath, and it felt good.

When the cigarette was almost gone, he heard himself asking, "Did you love her?"

"No," Felix said softly.

"Then why did you sleep with her?"

"She was… she was kind. I was lonely, I was scared, and she helped me. She… she got people out of detention for me. She was kind." Felix was wrapping up on himself again, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his head in his arms. It was a little hard to understand what he was saying. "Kindness wasn't something I saw a lot of on New Caprica."

It was dawning on Noel that very, very few people had any real idea of what exactly Felix Gaeta had seen on New Caprica, or what had happened afterwards. He'd known about the Resistance work, but he'd never heard the story about the Cylon or the Circle until tonight, either. When Felix looked up, his eyes were red rimmed and scared, and Noel wasn't sure how to respond.

"The Eight," he said finally. "Do you still think about her?"

"No." He was telling the truth, Noel could see that. But he was also still huddled in on himself, and it didn't take a genius to know that there was something more here. Something bad.

Hoshi's voice came over the intercom. "Action stations, action stations. Set condition one throughout the ship." They looked at each other and struggled to their feet.

"Make it back," Felix told him.

Noel forced a smile. "I will."

***

It was a pair of Cylon scouts. Noel got one of them, exploding into a shower of sparks and tiny shards of metal. As it blew up, he imagined that the Eight was inside.

And that night, there were no nightmares.

***

"Okay, you and I really need to talk, now," Cole said, sitting down across from Noel.

"This is not about Gaeta again," Noel warned him.

"Yes, it is."

"Stinger-"

"You seen him recently?"

"Not really. He sort of needed a little space." Noel hadn't seen him since three nights ago in the airlock.

"Space," Cole deadpanned.

"Yeah, space."

"I thought you said you guys just agreed you were exclusive."

"Well, maybe it doesn't have to do with me," Noel shot back.

Cole snorted. "Whatever it is, it's got him in the brig."

Noel sat straight up. "What?"

"The brig, lover boy."

"What for?"

Cole shrugged. "Got me. Hey, where are you… oh, never mind."

***

Felix was huddled on the bed, head cradled in his hands when Noel walked in.

"You know," Noel said, casually leaning against the bars, "I always knew this was going to happen. I just always assumed it would be the other way around."

"What would they toss you in the brig for?" Felix asked, not looking up.

"I was in the brig twice on the Pegasus," Noel said. "Once for insubordination and once for public drunkenness."

"Right."

"It's true. Ask anyone from the Pegasus. Except Hoshi."

"Why not Hoshi?" Felix said, finally looking up. His eyes were dilated funny, and his gaze didn't quite meet Noel's.

"His version of the story tends to be a little less flattering than mine. Are you on some sort of sedative or something?"

"Yeah." But Felix stumbled to his feet and approached the bars. "They gave me something. Calm me down, I guess."

"What did you do?"

"Stabbed Baltar."

"You're kidding," Noel gaped.

"With a pen."

Noel began to laugh. "You are kidding!" he declared, and then looked at Felix's face again. The laughter drained right out of him. "You're not kidding at all," he said. "What were you doing anywhere near Baltar?"

"Adama and Roslin had me try to interrogate him."

"You," Noel said.

"Yeah."

Noel had never been Adama's biggest supporter and had actually voted for Baltar in the election because he thought Roslin was a raving lunatic, but right now he really wanted to bash their heads together. Hard. He didn't have to see that conversation to know that there was no possible way it could have gone well, especially for Felix. He reached through the bars and touched Felix's hand.

Felix turned to him, lacing his fingers through Noel's. He opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it again.

Noel leaned his head against the bars so his forehead touched Felix's. Their breaths mixed, and he closed his eyes. "I missed you," someone whispered. Noel honestly wasn't sure which one of them it was.

The bulkhead clanged open and they both shot away from each other; Noel snapping to attention and Felix sitting on the bed. Admiral Adama and President Roslin entered, bulldogged by Colonel Tigh. Tigh glared at Noel.

"Lieutenant Allison, what the frak are you doing here?"

"Just visiting Lieutenant Gaeta, sir."

"Who told you he was in the brig? Get out of here."

"Wait." President Roslin held up a hand. She glanced at Adama, who nodded. "Lieutenant Allison, would you kindly wait outside?"

"Yes, sir." This didn't look good.

To his surprise, he was only standing outside for a few moments when the President stepped out into the hall, alone. "Lieutenant," she began. "How did you know that Mr. Gaeta was in the brig?"

"Stinger- I mean, Captain Taylor told me."

"Why would he tell you that?" Roslin asked, arms crossed.

"He must have had his reasons," Noel said, cocking his head at her.

"I see," Roslin said, and Noel didn't care if she got it at all. "Well, Lieutenant, I suspect that the Admiral will be releasing Mr. Gaeta from the brig after questioning. After all, he's needed in the CIC and a small matter such as arriving for duty intoxicated can be ignored if he never does it again. Am I right?"

"I imagine you are, sir."

She smiled. "I knew you'd see it that way. When the Admiral and the Colonel release him, can we count on you to get him back to his rack to sleep any remaining alcohol off?"

"Yes, sir."

"Very good. Wait here, then." She disappeared into the brig. Noel shook his head. Somehow, he rather thought he'd be hearing a lot about this later.

***

To his surprise, nothing was said. "Not really a surprise," Felix said a night a few weeks later when Noel remarked on it. "They can't say too much against me. Not now that they've decided to give Baltar his trial. They need me." He sounded hard and bitter, and Noel knew enough not to say anything, but just poured them both another drink.

"Any idea when the trial's going to be?" Noel asked.

"Not for months, from what I gather," Felix said. He ran his fingers down the glass and sighed. "Plenty of time to forget about it for a while."

"Want help?" Noel offered, cocking an eyebrow.

Felix laughed. "Do I ever."

***

"Thanks, Narcho." Racetrack plunked herself down at the table.

Noel glared at her. "Thanks for what?" he demanded.

"Finally getting caught with Gaeta," Racetrack said around a mouth of food. "Made me a nice little pile of cubits."

"How?" Noel asked, staring at her disgustedly.

"I've been making book on you two for a while now. Was pretty sure there was something going on, but Starbuck didn't believe me. She said that Gaeta'd never get laid, and most certainly not by you."

Noel snorted. "Who'd we get caught by?" he asked, more out of idle curiosity. He'd figured it was an open secret by this point.

"Skulls."

"And she believed him?"

"Sure. Skulls has had a thing for Gaeta for years," Racetrack disclosed carelessly. "Everyone knows that."

It never failed to amaze Noel just how into each other's lives the Galactica crew was. When he and Louis had been together on the Pegasus years ago, no one had cared, and certainly no one had been betting on it. "So, how much did you win?" he asked.

"Why?" Racetrack asked, grinning. "Looking for a cut?"

"Hell yeah."

She considered. "Well, tell me one thing, and I'll give you fifteen percent of what I've made."

"Shoot."

"Why Gaeta?"

Noel shrugged. "I like smart men," he said, because he certainly wasn't going to tell her the whole story.

"Right." Racetrack sputtered with laughter. "You like smart men? I don't believe it."

Noel looked around the mess hall. "I was with Louis there for two years, back before the Cylons attacked," he said.

Racetrack looked over her shoulder. "No way. Is that true, Hoshi?"

Hoshi chewed lazily and swallowed before answering. "Not only is it true, but once during sex, I whispered the solution to a differential equation in his ear. He came on the spot."

Noel's face flared red and the entire mess hall exploded into laughter. Louis winked at him and went back to eating, perfectly calm, and Racetrack dumped a pile of cubits in front of him.

"It's worth it for that one," she chortled. "You're going to be hearing about this for weeks." She grinned and stood up, and left with a whistle.

He was still sitting there with his cheeks flaming when Cole sat down with him, chuckling. "I hear the differential equation story has finally hit the Galactica," he said.

"Don't even ask."

"Wasn't going to. Was going to ask about another rumor that's been circulating."

"Yes, we've been busted. Shut up." Noel wasn't laughing now, because Cole was never fun to listen to on the subject of Felix.

"I'm just saying, why's he want to keep it secret?"

"Discreet. And just because he's the only one from the crew of the Galactica that knows the meaning of the word doesn't mean he's an ass. Hell, when I was frakking Louis, you didn't know about it until we'd been together for a year!"

Cole stared at him, open mouthed. "This is serious, isn't it?" he finally said.

"So what if it is?" Noel demanded. "Why are you so set against this? He's a good guy!"

"Look, I know things have been going fine recently," Cole said. "But whatever got you two started- whatever was getting you two to pound the shit out of each other and leaving that look on your face… that's not right. And it doesn't just go away. Whatever that was, it's still there. And it's going to bite you in the ass. And when it does, I'm just going to say 'I told you so.'"

"Thanks," Noel said sourly, and stood up. "I'll see you later."

"Just remember," Cole said, "I told you so."

***

"Give it back!"

"Forget it," Felix laughed, rolling away. He pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders. "Just one night I'm going to sleep in this rack and not end up freezing my ass off."

"Not sure how you could," Noel muttered. With the privacy curtain drawn and the two of them skin to skin, the rack felt plenty warm to him. But he snuck his hand under and tickled Felix's ribs. Felix shrieked, kicking reflexively.

From underneath, Shark kicked the bottom of the rack. "Would you two keep it down up there? Some of us are trying to sleep!"

"Sorry," Noel said, and pulled Felix closer. "You heard the man," he whispered. "No more arguing."

"Cover thief."

"Takes one to know one." Noel yanked the covers, and before Felix could yelp, covered his mouth with his hand. "Shhh. Don't want to wake everyone." Felix licked his hand, and reflexively, Noel pulled back.

"Oh, come on. It's not like you've minded my tongue on you before," Felix laughed.

"You're supposed to being quiet," Noel murmured, and then kissed him, because if Felix was going to stick his tongue someplace, it might as well be where it belonged.

The newness of it had worn off, and now Felix's body was completely familiar under his hands. But there was one thing they hadn't done in the six months that they'd been together, and Noel was trembling now as he lay back on the bed and pulled Felix on top of him. When he realized what Noel wanted him to do, Felix stilled, eyes wide.

"You sure?" he asked quietly.

Noel nodded. "Not something I ask for often," he admitted, "but when I do, I'm sure of it."

He kept his eyes closed, trying to will his body to relax. It wasn't that he wasn't comfortable with the idea, but the sensation of it… it was the kind of thing that left him helplessly gasping for air and clinging to Felix's arms, fingers gripping at his shoulders as Felix moved in him. He came with a cry that he muffled in the crook of Felix's neck, and for a long time afterwards he could barely move.

"Are you all right?" Felix asked, when the silence had stretched too long.

Noel nodded. "Yeah. Fine."

"You sure?"

He smiled. "Yeah. It's not what you're thinking. It's just… that sort of thing is so intense, you know?"

Felix grinned evilly. "I know. Believe me, I know."

Noel rested his head against Felix's shoulder. "I like it. A lot. I just can't do it with someone I'm not comfortable with."

"I get it." Felix kissed him, and arranged them so they were both more comfortable. "Don't steal the covers tonight, okay?"

"Only if you don't," Noel responded.

He wasn't surprised that Felix dropped off to sleep so quickly. Or that he stayed awake for a long time, nestled into his lover's arms and staring at the ceiling, a smile tugging at his lips.

***

"They should airlock him," Spearson insisted savagely. "He deserves to die."

"I don't even get why they're giving him a trial," Cole said, laying down a card.

"You have to give him a trial," Hoshi pointed out. "Not giving him a trial goes against the Articles, which is about all we have left."

"You think they should let him off?" Spearson asked, eyes narrowed.

"No, I think they should give him a trial," Hoshi said. "That's an entirely different issue."

"What about you, Narcho?" Spearson asked. "You guys have been quiet." He looked meaningful at Felix.

Noel shrugged. "He collaborated with the Cylons. Don't see what more there is to say," he said.

"They should just airlock the bastard and be done with it," Felix scowled. He threw down his hand, looked at his watch, and said, "I should get to the lab." He touched Noel's shoulder, and then left.

"The lab?" Hoshi asked skeptically. "At this time of night?"

"Not going to follow him?" Cole said.

"Nope," Noel said. "That one translates to I want to be alone." He didn't want to admit it, but as the trial drew closer, Felix had been spending a lot more time in his lab. He drummed his fingers on the table, and stopped as he noticed Cole watching him.

"I told you so," Cole mouthed.

***

Noel didn't see Felix's face when the news swept the Fleet that Baltar was acquitted, but he didn't need to in order to know his expression. But then the Cylons attacked, and Baltar trials and even Felix had to be forgotten, because there was only the fight.

And the fight didn't look good.

The nukes streaked through space, reminding him of fireworks on Scorpia. He shook his head, fixing on a Cylon raider and tailing it, firing until the thing exploded into tiny sparks, like the sparklers his parents had put on his thirteenth birthday cake. The chatter over the comm- hard, bitter and edged- was only on the edge of his consciousness, filtering out what was important from what was just desperate attempts to keep flying. And he couldn't listen to the deaths at all.

It was strange, he thought for the first time, to have Felix's voice in his ear as he flew, guiding him. Strange, and made the pull of the Galactica seem so much stronger, and the threat of imminent death a little more real. He clung to the stick on his Viper, because it was all he had to get him through this.

For some reason the raiders began flying away. Noel didn't believe it at first and chase the nearest one, but it accelerated and outran his shots. And then the Galactica was calling them home, and when they landed, they jumped. It was real, and they were alive. His hands were shaking, but when he climbed out of his Viper he smiled and high-fived with the rest… at least, until Kara Thrace made her big entrance.

Noel didn't believe a word out of her mouth, but at least it looked like no one else did, either, and when she was gone from the hangar deck, he was free to take care of his Viper.

He was just finishing when someone touched his arm. He whirled, only to see Felix standing there with wide, haunted looking eyes and far paler than usual. "You made it back," he said softly.

Noel smiled. "Did you doubt it, baby?" he asked with a leer. He was tempted to grab Felix, bend him back and kiss him, but there was something about Felix's body language that told him not to. "You want to celebrate?"

"You'd better believe it," Felix said, still not smiling. "Come on."

They walked through the halls, Felix leading the way. It didn't take Noel long to realize they weren't headed to the racks, but that was understandable because everyone was either headed there or to Joe's. Felix punched an access code and opened up an airlock, and as soon as they were inside his mouth was on Noel's.

It started out fair enough; sex between them was often hot and passionate, especially after Noel had just come back from a run. But when Felix bit his lip, the alarm bells started to go off in his head. And as he shoved him against a wall hard, that was an even bigger sign.

"What the hell?" he demanded as he pushed Felix away slightly.

"Do you need a written invitation?" Felix snapped back. He kissed Noel again, but this time there was no doubt about it- the kiss was all teeth and it hurt. He slid down Noel's body, yanking at the fly of his flight suit. Noel suddenly realized where this was going and grabbed him by the wrists.

"No," he said firmly.

"Why not?"

"I know what you're doing, and I've got a damn good idea of why. We are not going back there, Felix. I don't care what happened at that damn trial!"

Felix drew back as if he'd been slapped, and Noel knew he'd hit the target correctly. But Felix's eyes narrowed. "Never bothered you before," he sneered. "When we started, you had no problems with it. You were happy to frak me any way you could. It didn't matter what damage it did or why."

"Yeah, well, I wasn't in love with you then!" Noel shouted.

His voice echoed in the airlock, stilling them both. Felix blinked rapidly, and Noel swallowed hard. Neither of them knew what to say. Noel looked around, casting about for a topic. And then it hit him.

"This airlock," he began, realization dawning with slow horror, "this is where they were going to execute you, isn't it?" Felix just looked away, confirming it. Noel backed away. "What the frak? You brought me here to… to…" he couldn't force himself to say the words. He sat down with a heavy thump. "Felix, what the hell happened on New Caprica?"

"I've told you," Felix said dully.

"You've told me a lot of it," Noel acknowledged. "But there's something else. Some piece to the puzzle. Something that made you not fight them when they tried to toss you out. Something that made you bring me here. What is it? For the Gods' sake, tell me!"

"I've told you everything!" Felix shouted. "I told you! Do you need a detailed itinerary of my days down there? Wake up in freezing cold tent, go in and help the Cylons oppress the humans until I end up throwing up behind Colonial One-"

"Felix, stop. Just stop." Noel stood up, took a deep breath, and then struck him across the face. Not hard, but enough to snap Felix out of the loop his mind was stuck on. Felix stared at him like he'd never seen him before. Noel grasped him by the shoulders.

"I don't care what you did on New Caprica," he said. "I've done horrible things as well. You know it better than almost anyone, because that's why you chose me in the beginning, and one of the things I regret I did to you. But it's over, okay? You can't go back, you can't change it, you can only go forward and live in the now. You keep going down this road and it's going to destroy you."

"I want…" Felix began, but his voice trailed off.

"I know," Noel said. "I wanted it, too." He looked around the airlock and shivered. "Come on. We're getting out of here."

This time, Felix didn't protest.

***

They both slept in Noel's rack, nestled together, face to face. Neither of them slept well that night, but they both pretended they did.

And in the morning, they both acted like the night before had never happened.

***

Noel was in the rec room when Felix found him, a strange look on his face and an urgent energy underlying his motions as he bent down to Noel's ear. "My rack," he whispered. "Right now."

"Felix…."

"Trust me. It's not that."

Noel shrugged and followed. Felix wasn't lying, he found out quickly enough. There was none of the violence or self-loathing that had been in him just two nights ago; only a sort of desperation that made Noel know the truth before Felix could even say it.

"I've been assigned to a mission," Felix told him as they lay panting and sweaty in the aftermath. "I could be gone as long as two months."

"Two months?" Noel said. "Where are you going?"

"Confidential."

"On what ship?"

"Confidential."

"Why?"

Felix sighed. "Confidential. Technically, I'm not supposed to tell anyone I'm going. They'll find out when we're gone. But there is no frakking way I'm leaving for two months and not telling you." He turned onto his side, tucking his hands under his face as he looked at Noel. "Look, I know that right now I'm in no place to tell you what you want to hear."

"What, that you'll be back safely in two months?" Noel asked lightly.

"Funny. But I-"

"Look, Felix, I'll be here. Okay?"

"But the other night-"

"I'll be here."

Felix smiled at him and touched his cheek. "I'll be back," he said. "I promise."

***

Two months didn't sound long, and Noel couldn't even really say that his life was that much different, given how often Felix was usually on duty or in his lab. But it dragged by anyway, and now, Noel knew exactly why.

***

Noel swung out of his Viper, scanning the Raptors they'd escorted back from the Demetrius. Tigh might trust that damn basestar, but at least Adama had the sense to take some precautions. The crew was climbing off one by one. They looked exhausted, filthy, and disheartened.

"Get a gurney over here, now!" Helo was roaring. "And get Cottle!"

A nagging suspicion began to bloom. "No," he whispered, to no one in particular. "No… please don't…" Noel started striding towards the Raptor.

"Narcho!" Chief Laird yelled at him. "Get back over here and take care of your bird! You still have to go through your check!"

He ignored him, and the bottom dropped out of his stomach as he saw two Marines carry Felix out of the Raptor, gray and unconscious. He grabbed the arm of the nearest nurse. "What's going on?"

"Let go of me, Lieutenant," he said, glancing at Noel's rank insignia. "I need to work."

"But what's going on?" Noel roared.

"Lieutenant Allison!" Laird shouted. "Get over here now!"

Noel spotted Ishay and released the nurse he was holding. "Ishay," he begged. "Please. Tell me what's going on."

"Lieutenant-"

"Ishay. Please. Come on- we've been together since the night of that dance."

Recognition lit her face, and for a moment, Ishay softened. "I can't be sure," she said. "It looks bad. I'm afraid we're going to need to amputate if he's going to live."

"If?" Noel whispered.

They were wheeling the gurney away. Noel began to follow, but Ishay stopped him. "We need to work, Lieutenant. I'll come get you when it's over."

"And if he-"

"I'll come get you then, too."

***

He was jabbing into the heavy bag in the gym when Cole found him. Cole didn't greet him or ask any questions; he held the bag steady. Noel's punches accelerated slowly at first, and then into a silent flurry of anger and pain. He punched until his arms gave out and he slumped to the floor, head buried in his arms and tears coursing down his face.

Cole just sat down beside him, arm around his shoulder and not saying a word.

***

It was quiet in the infirmary when Noel was finally able to get in. Cottle was nowhere to be seen, and the nurse on duty looked like he'd been here far too long. And Felix was asleep, restless, gray, and sweaty. Noel dragged a chair over and curled uncomfortably in it, staring at the stump for a long time.

He wasn't sure when he drifted off, but it was the sound of footsteps that woke him. He lifted his head and rubbed his eyes to see Cottle standing over Felix, checking machines and talking in a low voice. Felix was answering, and even in the monosyllabic responses Noel could hear the pain. Cottle injected something into Felix and then stepped away, nodding to Noel. Felix turned, eyes widening.

"Hey," he said softly.

"Hey," Noel said, uncertain of what he was supposed to say now. "You're back."

"Yeah."

They stared at each other, because all of the normal things were trite and stupid, and all the big things hurt to say.

"Oh, frak it," Noel finally said, and leaned over and pulled Felix into his arms. Felix clung to him, face buried in his shoulder, and they held on to each other in silence.

***

"They shouldn't have released you," Noel insisted.

"Cottle didn't have a choice," Felix said with a heavy sigh. He'd been able to get a bottom rack, and Noel had unofficially switched racks with Hoshi in a move that was supposedly temporary but everyone was pretty sure was permanent. "They need me in the CIC."

Noel shook his head. "You can't even get through a day without a shot of morpha," he pointed out. "How are you going to calculate jumps?"

"I can do it," Felix said irritably.

"I didn't say you couldn't," Noel backtracked. "I meant you shouldn't have to."

"Yeah, well. I'd better get up to the CIC." Felix hauled himself up with his crutches. Noel stood as well.

"I'll see you later," he said, kissing Felix before he could move away. He was rewarded with a brief smile.

"Yeah," Felix agreed. "I'll see you later." He limped away, but before he navigated through the bulkhead, he turned back around. "It will get easier, Noel," he said, and then left.

"Yeah," Noel sighed. "Easier."

***

To his surprise, it did. Not much, but a little. Felix's smiles became a little more frequent, and they both began to adjust. The first night they slept in the same bed Noel was terrified to fall asleep, not wanting to jar Felix's leg. But after that, it did get a little easier, and even though nothing was quite right, he began to think that maybe it would be, someday.

It frustrated him that no one made it any easier. Felix wasn't given private quarters, or any sort of real accommodation. It drove him crazy that a Cylon had shot Felix, but no one investigated. No one was punished. Felix was on shift constantly, although he didn't seem to mind that, especially after Earth was discovered to be such a shithole. He was obviously still in pain, and getting any sort of medicine for it took some doing. So it was the shock of his life when Tigh (of all people) actually suggested Felix go over to the Zephyr and get some rest. Noel managed to beg some morpha out of Ishay and said goodbye casually, because it was only going to be a week and Felix was going to sleep most of it anyway- thank Gods.

He never expected Raptor 718 to not show up at its destination.

***

"Pull yourself together, Lieutenant. They know where we are."

"No, sir, they don't," Noel said with barely restrained politeness. "It was a false alarm and the Fleet's jumped back. Over two days, and they're not here. Just let me take my Viper and look."

Tigh whirled to face him. "And what would you do? Jump randomly?"

"Yes! It's better than doing nothing!" Noel shouted. "I am not just going to sit here and wait while Felix is out there like this! The whole damn Fleet has made him wait for what he needs until it's convenient for them, and for once what he needs is going to matter! Me and Felix…" he trailed off suddenly, fixed under Tigh's fierce gaze, and suddenly he remembered that Felix never spoke of his private life in the CIC. Tigh had no idea.

But it was dawning on him now. Noel sighed.

"We've lost too much already," he said quietly.

Tigh nodded. "I'll have to run it by the old man."

That was as good as a yes. "Thank you, sir," Noel said stiffly, and turned around and left the CIC.

***

"This is crazy," Cole said as Noel climbed into his Viper.

"I know."

"Do I get to say I told you so?"

Noel shook his head. "Not yet."

***

Well after well, coordinate after coordinate. Nothing but empty space. Each try only made him more frantic. After everything they'd been through, it couldn't end like this.

***

"Can I say it now?" Cole asked when he came back to refuel.

Noel started to glare, but the expression leeched off his face. He was exhausted. Every muscle of his body was crying out for rest, and he knew that the waste of fuel wasn't going to be looked on kindly. "Is this crazy?" he asked Cole.

"Yeah," Cole admitted. "I'm sorry, but it is."

"Yeah."

"Noel." Cole laid a hand on his shoulder. "He'd understand. There's a point where you have to assume… he'd understand."

"He would," Noel said. "I won't." He sighed. "One more time," he promised, "and then I'll come home."

Cole nodded.

***

He had enough fuel for one more jump, plus the return. Noel had deliberately saved this one for last, just in case. He jumped back to the coordinates the Fleet had jumped to three days ago.

And there, in front of him, was a Raptor, drifting aimlessly in space.

He seized the comm unit. "Raptor 718, Raptor 718. Do you copy?"

The comm unit crackled to life with static and Felix's voice, faint and breathless. "Galactica, come in."

Noel leaned his head forward in relief, laughing. "You're nowhere near the Fleet, but you're home. I'm bringing you home."

***

He thought he'd had enough shocks, but nothing could have prepared him for when the Raptor doors opened, and the inside was filled with blood and corpses and Felix, wild-eyed and exhausted and blue. And when Felix told him what happened, how the Eight he'd known on New Caprica had killed the others and was going to kill him, Noel felt like he'd known it all along.

In a strange way, it was a relief. He held Felix against him, alive and human and warm, and he knew he'd never, ever think a Cylon could be this human again.

***

"Zarek?"

"Yes, Zarek," Felix said irritably. "Tigh won't listen, not that that's a surprise. Adama won't listen. Zarek will."

"Felix, tossing your lot in with him is…" and Noel had to stop, because he wasn't sure how to end that sentence. Because the thing was, Felix was right.

The Cylons had destroyed their homes. Their families. Hell, all of humanity, except the thirty nine thousand of them here in this Fleet. They'd kept them on the run, picking them off. They'd tried to live with the humans, and that horror had been called New Caprica. And still they came, trying to kill them all. There was a reason Noel had done the things he'd done, that Cain had done what she'd done. Why they all did what they did, defending the remaining people of the colonies with their lives and their deaths.

Billions dead. His friends dead. His commanding officer, his ship, his home, all gone. He looked at his lover, whom he'd nearly lost twice- both times because of Cylons. Cylons that the Colonial Fleet had trusted.

Noel set his jaw and stepped towards Felix. "Fine," he said. "But I'm coming with you."

Two related pieces:

A Graphic novel interpretation of the airlock scene, by

tin_o_biscuits

Our Last Night Alive- ficlet done for a timestamp meme, where the prompt was Noel/Felix, the night before the mutiny, The Touch of Your Grace universe.