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lls_mutantTitle: Replace the Fear
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lupinslittlesis
Pairing: Pfft. Same as always.
Rating: R for gratuitous sex at the end.
Disclaimer: If they were mine, things would be different. Like I'd be writing this from a laptop in Hawaii or something.
Author's notes: So, this isn't anything close to what I'm supposed to be writing. But I'm suffering from a nasty case of writer's block, and anything written is good. This was written reflecting three things: 1.)aura218's comment that there's rarely any fic with Remus as the pursuer and Sirius as the pursued, 2.) nassima's lovely art that can be viewed here, and 3.) my simple kink for a Remus that bottoms for reasons that are neither submissive nor dominant- just that that's what he's into. So just a little MWPP-era "how they got together" fic.
Sadly, I do think that this fic is reflecting my writer's block- I can see that expository style cropping up in spots, and a few of those dreaded cliches. I think you can tell I'm more a novel-length writer as well… or at least there were things where I was like "ooooh, THIS could be fun!" And yes, I REALLY like my AIL characterization of Peter and James, although they're both far more accepting here. But there are other spots and ideas I'm very, very pleased with, so it's getting posted.
"Padfoot, what did you get for number eighteen?"
Sirius, who was sitting on the floor of their dorm room and rapidly writing the answer to question twenty, looked up. "A straightforward switching spell followed by a transfiguration of the wings. Same thing?"
James propped his feet up on the bed. "Yeah. I just wasn't sure. It seemed a little too straightforward for a McGonagall N.E.W.T. question."
Sirius chuckled. "Maybe because all of the others were exceptions instead of the rules? She thought she could throw us for a loop with a simple question?" He leaned back against his bed, shifting to take the weight off his tailbone. "Evil wench. It would be like her. Only McGonagall would set twenty essay questions for a weekend."
"No," James said, "Peter's stuck downstairs doing that essay for Divination, Lily said she's got a ton of Potions work, and Remus has been holed up in the library for hours with his Arithmancy partner."
"Yeah." Sirius stared down at his parchment.
"What?" James asked, eyeing his best friend.
"Huh? I didn't say anything."
"You didn't need to. What is it?" James asked.
"Nothing." Sirius picked at the carpet beneath him.
"It's Remus and Christian, isn't it?" James was smirking.
"Shut up."
"It is."
"Prat." Sirius rolled up his Transfiguration homework. "I don't know why I told you."
James snorted and kicked Sirius in the thigh. "After two years of you torturing me about Lily, turnabout is fair play."
"Yeah, but Lily never was going with some bloke under your nose-"
"Yes she was," James interrupted.
"And telling you about it," Sirius finished with a pointed glare.
"Okay. Point," James conceded, and the mug expression dropped from his face. "Does he really talk about it all that much?"
"No," Sirius admitted.
James sighed. "I ought to just tell him I know. I wouldn't implicate you. I know him well enough that it's believable I could have figured it out."
A flood of gratitude left Sirius sagging against the bed. "Would you, Prongs?"
"Sure. I'd been thinking about it anyway." James kicked Sirius again. "Come on. Let's finish this up so we can go have some fun."
***
Sirius was basking outside under a tree when a shadow fell over him.
"What are you doing?"
"Highly complicated mathematical proofs of the existence of life in my head," Sirius said. "What are you doing?"
Peter flopped down beside him. "I'm bored."
"How can you be bored? N.E.W.T.s are in less than three weeks. Don't you have to study?"
"Don't you?"
"That's all I've been doing all morning. I'm taking a break." Sirius tilted his face to the sun.
"Where's James?"
Sirius shrugged. "Not sure. I forgot to smack a tracking charm on him."
"Funny."
"I thought so." Sirius cracked one eye open. Peter was sitting, fiddling with the grass. "Relax, then, if you're tired of studying."
"I thought we could go do something."
Sleeping in the sun was nice, but Sirius had never been an inactive person. "What did you have in mind?"
"There's that clearing in the Forbidden Forest we always meant to investigate," Peter suggested. "No one would catch us."
It took all of two seconds to decide. "That works."
After a few furtive glances around, and then a dog and a rat were bounding towards the Forbidden Forest, completely uncaring of any rules that Dumbledore and Filch may have set down.
The Forest, for all that the authorities made it seem threatening, was beautiful and peaceful today, with the early summer sunlight slanting through the trees and shining off the needles. Beside Sirius, Peter slipped back into his human form. "It's easier to keep up with you this way," he panted. Sirius debated running off for a moment, just to be contrary, but decided against it. In a way, it was nice not to be alone.
The problem with being alone these days was that Sirius tended to think. Think about the looming end of their school days, think about the world outside school and the conflict that raged, think about his parents (not that he'd ever admit it)... and think about sex. He hated thinking about sex.
He looked up at Peter, nudging him for a quick scratch behind the ears. Lucky Peter. Peter's life was normal. Peter had had several girlfriends, some of them very pretty. The current, Liz, wasn't overly pretty but was extremely funny and intelligent, and Peter insisted that made up for a lack of large breasts and long hair. Then there was James with Lily: perfect, red-haired, intelligent, beautiful Lily. James and Peter could talk for hours about knickers and tits and curves and all that. The only time Sirius could contribute anything to the conversation was when wanking came up, because straight like Peter or James, bi like Remus, or (oh did he have to say it? yes) gay like Sirius, every bloke wanked.
But it was a problem when the object of your fantasies slept two beds over from you. And even worse, when you knew he wasn't thinking about you at all, because he had some boyfriend that for some reason he only felt comfortable telling you about. But then, the fine art of masturbation was never discussed in that much detail.
"Forest is quiet today," Peter observed as they walked. "It's like the whole world is lazy." He ducked under a tree branch. "It's not much farther, is it?"
Sirius shook his head.
"I didn't think so. Hopefully we won't run into the centaurs. You're good, but Remus was definitely the one who talked us out of that last time." Peter made a face. "I'll miss all this when we leave."
Abruptly, Sirius transformed back into a human. "I will too," he admitted. "But let's not talk about that now. Let's get to that clearing."
It could be hard to tell one clearing from another in a forest, but this one had its distinctions, and Sirius and Peter knew they'd found it instantly by the little pool in the center of it. "You know," Sirius decided, "it's actually very pretty."
Peter snorted. "Don't turn ponce on me and start going on about scenery and flowers."
Sirius flushed red. "I am not turning ponce," he said. And then added quietly, before he could think about it, "I've been one since fifth year."
Peter turned around, eyes far calmer than James's had been when Sirius first told him. "I know."
"What?" Sirius fell back a step. "How could you know?"
Peter shrugged. "I just do. I have since fifth year. If you're interested, I know you had a thing for that Wimborne Wasps Chaser Cotba, and then that Muggle cinema star whatshisname, and finally- and for the past year or so, I might add- one Mister Moony."
Sirius's cheeks began to hurt thanks to the amount of blood rushing to them. "Shut up. You haven't told anyone this, have you?"
"Nope." Peter walked over to the pool and knelt beside it. "Looks like it's what, three or four meters across? I wonder how deep this is. You can't see the bottom."
"Peter, I'm serious. I don't want anyone else to know."
"I know. Why do you think I've kept my mouth shut? I assume Prongs knows, though." Peter shifted to sit down. "There's some fish in here. They're nice. Sirius, come look at these."
The fish were pretty- small creatures that flitted around the pool, bright with jewel-like colors. Sirius dipped one finger in, trying to touch one. Peter slapped his hand. "Don't do that. Some fish don't like the human touch."
"Oh yeah." Sirius rocked back on his tailbone, hugging his knees to him.
Peter chuckled, and stood up to retrieve a big stick. "Look. The thing I don't get is why you just don't tell Remus you're interested already."
"What makes you think he'd be interested back?" Sirius hedged.
Peter shrugged. "Don't know that he would be," he said, and Sirius breathed a sigh of relief that Peter didn't magically know everything that was happening. "But you'll never know unless you ask."
"You'll laugh at my reason," Sirius said, leaning over with interest as Peter poked the stick into the pool. "That is deep."
"Yeah, I can't feel the bottom at all. I won't laugh. What's your reason?"
"It might fuck everything up," Sirius admitted in a rush. "And that's the last thing I want. Not again."
Peter cringed. "All right. I can see that. Does Moony know you're a poof?"
"I don't know. It doesn't matter, okay? I just don't want- hey, what was that?"
There was a distinct ripple that didn't come from the motions of Peter's stick. Peter frowned. "Maybe I've stirred up the fish?"
"I think you've stirred something up all right," Sirius said. The fish were scurrying to the sides of the pool, and some of them disappearing all together. "Maybe we should- ARGH!" A hand-like appendage shot out of the pool and wrapped its grip around Sirius's ankle.
"Kelpie!" Peter gasped.
"No shit!" Sirius scrabbled for his wand. "Does it look like it's a big one, Peter?"
"Like I'm getting any closer?"
"Some help you are." Sirius took aim and shot at the hand. There was a gurgled roar from the pool, and a shaft of pain in his ankle. "BUGGER ME!" he roared as a bone snapped. "PETER! Give me a hand here!"
"What am I supposed to do?" Peter demanded, but he brandished his stick and smacked the kelpie's hand.
"I don't know! But do it anyway!" Sirius stared down into the well through a haze of pain and saw a face, distorted by water but clear in its malevolence. He thought he was doing a remarkable job of not panicking right now, but that was coming closer and closer to changing as his heart pounded in his ears in time with the painful throbbing of his ankle. He took careful aim and fired a Conjunctivitus Curse, but the curse refracted in the water and missed. There was a gurgling roar again, and the kelpie's hand tightened, and Sirius went down, his ankle completely useless.
Peter came running, stick in one hand and wand in the other, and then the kelpie's head broke the surface of the water. It was hideous, something out of a child's horror book and yet terrifying in its reality at the same time. Sirius froze as the creature loomed over him, and then Peter was there, stabbing at the kelpie with his stick and looking for all the world like some sort of jousting monk from the Medieval ages. Peter hit it square in the face, and the kelpie finally relinquished its hold on Sirius, hands pulled back to protect its eyes. Both boys fired Conjunctivitus Curses, Sirius hitting it square in the chest and Peter in the face. The kelpie sank back into the water, howling with pain. Peter scrambled over and dragged Sirius away, Sirius trying to help.
"It looks like your ankle's broken," Peter said, hunkering down to examine it more closely. "Can you put any weight on it?"
Sirius tried and yelped. "I don't think so," he said, gritting his teeth against the haze of agony. "This is exactly what I wanted- to be brought back to the castle by the power of your wand."
"You could try to limp on that ankle," Peter riposted, offended. "I don't have to help you."
Sirius sighed. "Sorry. It's just," he gestured to the rapidly swelling ankle as justification and Peter softened.
"I probably shouldn't have stuck that stick in, huh?" he asked, slightly sheepish.
"Let that be a lesson to you, Mister Wormtail," Sirius intoned. "Some things are not meant to be played with."
***
James finally found Remus in the entrance hall, sitting on the steps and talking to Christian, who was standing and about to leave. Although James's taste ran definitively towards women, he was certainly intelligent enough to figure out what might be attractive about a bloke, and he wondered what exactly the attraction was. Christian wasn't hideous (not like some greasy gits he could name), but we was short and somewhat pudgy, with plain brown hair, blain brown eyes and a preponderance of freckles.
They were definitely subtle, James decided. They didn't touch much, except for a friendly clasping of hands when Christian turned to go. And perhaps because he wanted this for Sirius or perhaps because it was the truth, James didn't see any spark of undying love in Christian's smile, and Remus's eyes didn't seem to follow him as he left. And yet, according to Sirius, they were sleeping together.
"All right Moony?" James leaned against the banister.
"Oh, hello Prongs." It definitely wasn't his imagination that Remus flushed. "What are you doing?"
"Just taking a break. Done that essay set for McGonagall yet?"
Remus groaned. "She's a heartless wench."
James chuckled and sat down beside Remus, who scooted over enough to make room for him. "That she is. So, was that him?" he asked, trying to sound casual.
"Was that who?" Remus queried back. "You know that was Christian Marshall.'
Shit. So much for Plan A. James leaned back on his elbows. "You two have been spending a lot of time together, haven't you?"
Remus shrugged. "Not that much, no. Certainly less than you spend with Evans or Sirius spends arguing Quidditch versus Quadpot with Grabowski. We've got a huge project due in Arithmancy in a few days."
Oh, screw trying to be tactful. You couldn't do that with Remus- he had a polite answer for everything. "And you're shagging him," James blurted.
Remus turned bright red. "Keep it down," he hissed, but the few students in the hall had no apparent interest in their conversation. "How in the bloody hell did you know that?"
"You don't hide it well," James tried, and Remus snorted.
"We hide it extremely well. Sirius told you."
"Don't tell him," James begged.
Remus shook his head. "I won't. So. Um." He twisted his fingers together, shoulders hunched over and pulling back even further from James. They sat in awkward silence.
"So is it serious?" James finally asked. "I mean, how long have you two been together?"
"Three months," Remus said, playing with a loose thread on the cuff of his sleeve. "And no. It's not serious at all."
"Why not?"
"He's got an apprenticeship with Gregorovitch after Hogwarts," Remus explained, and there was not catch in his voice. "He'll be off to Bulgaria for a few years. I'm staying here- well, in England."
"So why bother?" James asked.
Remus shrugged again. "Why not? Christian's a great bloke, he likes me, and we have a good a good time together. No one's getting hurt."
Except Sirius, James thought bitterly, but fairness reminded him Remus didn't know that. Remus, however, was still stuck back in the moment of revelation.
"Listen, James. It's not I don't appreciate how you're taking this. I do. But why are you even bringing it up now?" James fumbled for an answer, but Remus answered himself. "Sirius asked you to, didn't he?"
Before James could say anything (not that he needed to), the door was flung open and Peter came over the threshold, carefully guiding a levitated Sirius. Sirius's face was white under smudged dirt and his lips were drawn in a taut line of pain.
"Padfoot!" James was off the steps and by Sirius's side in a heartbeat. "What happened?"
"Broken ankle," Peter said. "We need to get him to Pomfrey. I'll tell you what happened later. Remus, are you coming?"
James looked back over his shoulder to see Remus as white as Sirius himself. "Yeah," Remus said, pulling himself together. "I'm coming."
***
Madame Pomfrey might have been excellent at repairing bones, but Sirius decided it was a talent she could practice at will. His ankle hadn't been broken so much as shattered, Pomfrey said, and until she knew exactly how it happened she couldn't take the easiest measures. Sirius and Peter, both well-versed enough in Defense against the Dark Arts to know that there was no secret way to mend the wounds of a kelpie's grip, both refused to answer and as a result, Sirius had a night-long date with a dose of Skele-grow and a good helping of agony, even though he was convinced there was an easier way to repair the breaks.
It did not, however, escape his notice that Remus stayed with him through the night, sitting by his bedside and keeping him company.
"Well, why not?" Remus had said when Sirius thanked him around dawn, as the Skele-grow was finishing its work. "You always stay up with me." His smile as he said it made the words deepen from fairness and gratitude to fellowship. "So what were you and Peter thinking, poking a stick in a hole in the Forbidden Forest?"
Sirius laughed. "It was rather dim of us, wasn't it?"
"Dim, but typical," Remus said. He scooted his chair closer and Sirius could sense the warmth of his body through the cotton of his own pajamas. "Sirius, are you well enough that I can ask you something?"
Remus's brown eyes were closed and guarded, and Sirius's stomach twisted in response. "James talked to you," he guessed.
"Yes. Sirius, why didn't you just tell me you were uncomfortable with me telling you about Christian? You've been good about it, but I didn't mean to put you in a bad position. If it bothers you, I won't bring it up."
Sirius flushed. "It doesn't bother me. Not like you mean, anyway," he said defiantly. He closed his eyes. "Don't worry about it, Moony. 'Sfine."
Remus leaned over and adjusted the blankets, and Sirius was sure he wasn't imagining the soft gentle touch of lips on his forehead. "All right, Sirius," he whispered. "We won't talk about it."
Sirius pretended to sleep.
***
He finally did drift off to sleep late just before classes began for the day. Madame Pomfrey took pity on him and let him sleep, although a mountain of work was sure to be accumulating by his bedside. By the time he was up and around and able to attend his last class of the day, he had convinced himself that those last few words with Remus had been a Skele-grow induced dream. Dinner only confirmed that, as the conversation centered around his and Peter's kelpie adventure, and the work that had been assigned today in their classes, and plans for after Hogwarts. In fact, Sirius was so relaxed he didn't even think about it when James defected to spend the evening with Evans and Peter disappeared with talk of a Divination project, and he was left alone walking up the stairs with Remus, laughing about the predictions Peter had read from their tea leaves.
Therefore he was caught totally unprepared when, once they were safe inside their dorm room, Remus kissed him.
His lips were gentle against Sirius's, but firm at the same time. Sirius stood in shock, eyes wide open and arms slack at his sides until Remus pulled away.
"Sirius?" Remus asked, eyes darkening. Sirius could only stare, and Remus took a few steps back. "Oh, Sirius, I'm sorry. I thought… I knew something was bothering you about hearing about me and Christian and you sounded like it wasn't because we're both blokes, and so I figured it was because, well, you… but no. Sirius- I'm sorry."
Somewhere inside, Sirius found his voice. "You're seeing Christian."
Remus bit his lip. "I broke off with him this morning. It wasn't going to last much longer anyway."
"Why not?" Sirius staggered to his bed in his best zombie imitation and sat down. "Why not?" he repeated, his hand moving to touch his lips, where the warmth of Remus's lips still lingered.
Remus approached cautiously, and when Sirius didn't immediately push him or move away, sat down next to him. "It was never going to. We both knew it, but we thought it would be fun. And I thought I never had a chance with you. I wasn't even sure if you were gay," Sirius cringed on the word, "and even if you were, I never thought you'd want me. Then yesterday James ran interference for you, and you said it wasn't…." Remus trailed off and shook his head. "I thought maybe the reason you didn't want to hear about Christian anymore might be because you were jealous. I hoped it was, anyway."
Lightning crashed through Sirius. This… this was the last thing…. "Then why were you with Christian?" he asked through numb lips that were slowly regaining feeling.
"He liked me," Remus said simply. "I liked him well enough. It was enough to be going on for now." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Padfoot."
Sirius turned to look at Remus, who was now hunched in on himself again. He could see the walls coming up and shutting him in and Sirius out, as if they were concrete structures and not simply constructs in Remus's imagination, and had to move to stop it. "Remus, no." He reached out and lay a hand on Remus's shoulder. "You were right."
"I was?"
"You were. I was jealous."
This time it wasn't a surprise when Remus moved in to kiss him again, although perhaps because he moved so slowly. His hands were hesitant as he reached for Sirius, his movements jerky. Sirius closed his eyes under the kiss, and savored every second of it, because there wouldn't be another one. He broke the kiss gently, and pulled away.
"What is it?" Remus asked.
Sirius shook his head. "I can't."
"Sirius-"
"Remus, I've known you like blokes for over four months now. Don't you think if this was something I wanted to pursue, I'd have told you by now?"
"But Christian-"
"Why would I have let that stop me? I didn't know you wanted me, too. But Remus, this is somewhere I can't go- somewhere we can't go."
"Why not?"
He looked so surprised, so distraught. Sirius had never thought this situation would come about, and if he'd even entertained it, he'd never thought it would be so hard. But he'd given this thought- and lots of it- for years. "Moony, you're one of my best friends. You and Peter and James… no. You're not just my friends. You're my family. The three of you mean more to me than anything in the world, do you understand? I can't mess that up."
Remus shrugged. "Who says we will?"
"Remus, this isn't a joke, or a prank, or anything like that. I need you in my life. I need to know you're always in my life. I won't risk that on something that you can throw away so easily."
Remus drew back, stung. "That's rich, saying I'd throw it away that easily."
"That's what you're doing to Christian."
"It is not!" Remus's cheeks were flushed with color, but he calmed down quickly. "Sirius, Christian and I never intended to be long-term. We never called it love and we knew it. It was honest. But you're different. Everything about this is different, and it wouldn't be something I'd end so easily."
Sirius buried his face in his hands, breathing deeply. It was like walking on ice, or ice covered rocks in a river of fire. One wrong step, one wrong word… and there they were, back in sixth year.
"Remus, if you care about me in any way, leave us as we are, all right? I've fucked up everything I've ever touched. I won't fuck this up, too."
Remus sighed and moved away. "All right Sirius."
"Thank you." He bent over and picked up a discarded Charms text, and Remus stood.
"I'm going downstairs."
"All right."
Remus gathered his things together and left. But as he crossed the threshold of their room, Sirius thought he heard him whisper, "I'll wait."
***
Sirius wasn't sure what he was expecting over the next few weeks, but he knew what he feared. He was terrified that Remus would either be hovering over him, waiting for an opportunity, or retreat in an angry sulk. Neither happened. In fact, if Sirius hadn't been there for those two kisses, he would doubt that they ever happened at all.
However, the two kisses kept happening, at unexpected moments of the days, but always in his head.
"I don't understand why you're fighting it," James said the night before N.E.W.T.s were to begin. "As soon as he thought you might be interested- might, even, not were- he split with Christian. What more do you want?"
Sirius shrugged. For sixth year not to have happened. But he couldn't say the words out loud, not even to James.
James opened his mouth to continue, but he was cut off by Peter and Remus stumping in. "I swear," Peter groaned, flinging himself across his bed, "if I ever see a Transfiguration diagram again, I will boot. I promise you."
"You'd better close your eyes during the exam tomorrow then," Remus said, turning back his own covers. Sirius watched him, trying not to be obvious but aware that he was staring. In a few days N.E.W.T.s would be over and so would Hogwarts, and life would be completely different than what it had been.
He turned away and snuggled down in his bed, closing his eyes and willing himself to drift off to sleep. With the amount of work that they'd had, it wasn't hard.
Hhe woke up later, his heart pounding and sweat sluicing down between shoulder blades, with Remus shaking him.
"Sirius. Sirius, calm down."
Sirius forced his breathing into something resembling normal. He was only at Hogwarts, not in number 12 Grimmauld Place, and the breeze blowing in billowed drapes of red and gold, not ghosts from his memory. Remus handed him a glass of water and Sirius took it, the liquid sloshing onto his pajamas as he lifted it to his lips.
"Are you all right?" Remus asked.
"Yeah," Sirius responded automatically. He glanced over at Remus's rumpled bed. "I didn't wake you up, did I?"
"No. You weren't being that loud. I couldn't sleep," Remus confessed. "I was going over my Transfiguration notes."
"Why couldn't you sleep?"
"Nerves." Remus took the empty glass from Sirius and set it down on the nightstand. "Should I ask what you were dreaming about?"
"My parents," Sirius admitted. He shivered, although the details of the dream were already rapidly fading from his mind. "They died."
Remus's face was sympathetic, but there was a light of something else in his eyes. "You miss them, don't you?"
Sirius snorted. "No," he replied immediately. "My mother is an evil, shallow bitch and my father isn't much better. I'm well cleared of them." But his voice lacked the conviction and vehemence it held during the days when he spoke these sentiments, and somewhere inside he felt like crying. He huddled deeper in the blankets.
Remus didn't laugh. Instead, he just laid a hand on Sirius's shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"All right." He began to draw away, but Sirius clapped his hand over Remus's quickly.
"Stay."
"What?"
"Stay," Sirius whispered. "Just for a while."
The shutters came down over Remus's eyes, but not before Sirius saw a flicker of hope. "All right." He sat down at the head of the bed, gently guiding Sirius's head to his lap. He Accioed a book over to him and began running soothing, gentle fingers through Sirius's hair.
It wasn't quite what Sirius had meant, he supposed as his eyelids grew heavy again. But it was probably just as well.
He was just about asleep when he felt the flutter of Remus's lips graze across his forehead. "I'm here, Pads," Remus whispered. "I'll always be here."
***
Whether Sirius liked it or not, leaving was something they had to do.
N.E.W.T.s passed in a flurry of exhaustion and cramped hands and sore heads, and frantic last-minute studying. Sirius was confident he'd done well, and then the last few days flew by in sun drenched freedom. Before he knew it, he was standing with a packed trunk, ready to leave Hogwarts.
Life wouldn't change that much, not in the important ways, he reminded himself furiously. They were all moving to London, all four of them. He and James were sharing a flat- or more accurately, James was staying in his flat until he and Lily were ready to get married. James had a part-time job in Quality Quidditch Supplies that would allow him to devote most of his time to Dumbledore's Order, and Sirius had been accepted by the healers at St. Mungo's. Remus had found a small bedsit near them, and Dumbledore had helped him get a job with Florean Fortescue, making ice cream. It wasn't what Remus had planned, they all knew, but he seemed quite happy with it. And Peter, surprising them all with his daring, had taken a flat with his girlfriend and a job breeding and training owls. But they were all within easy walking distance of each other, much less Floo or Apparation or portkey or broom or flying motorcycle or any of the other numerous transportation methods available to Muggle or Wizard.
In fact, life would be better. No more rules. No more professors. No more homework. And no more waiting on the sidelines, wanting to make a difference and not being able to. Yes, it was good they were leaving Hogwarts, Sirius told himself as he left his trunk to be loaded on the Hogwarts Express for the last time. He thundered down the steps, catching up to the other three.
"Ready, Padfoot?" James asked, slinging his arm around Sirius's shoulder.
"Ready," Sirius confirmed.
They were boarding the train when Sirius caught sight of Regulus. "Should we hex him?" Peter asked.
On just about any other occasion, Sirius would have said yes without a thought. But today, it hit him hard that this would be the last time he'd be guaranteed to see his brother. He shook his head.
"Regulus," he called out. His brother turned, and Sirius lifted a hand. With a cold, angry glance Regulus deliberately turned his back. Sirius stared after him for a long moment, then lifted his head. "Come on," he said, his voice too strident. "Let's get a compartment before they're all gone and we have to hex some first years to get one."
James nodded sharply and began hunting up the nearest available compartment, and Peter sent a rather satisfying curse at Regulus that made him yelp. But Remus just grabbed his arm and pulled him in to the compartment James found, with a squeeze of compassion and a sad smile that Sirius didn't understand.
***
Freedom did agree with them all. Sirius was surprised at how quickly he and James settled into life in the flat. It was a whirlwind of takeout and socks scattered about the place in a matter of days, Lily, Peter, and Remus dropping by on a regular basis, and late nights just sitting up together and doing whatever they pleased. That was all complemented by the regular hours of work and Order meetings, work for Dumbledore and long hours in libraries and on watch. Before Sirius knew it, a full month had gone by.
A month of freedom naturally called for a party, and of course parties required alcohol. Sirius was now slumped on the couch next to Remus at one o'clock in the morning.
"Should I be surprised or amused that James lasted until after midnight before dragging Lily to his room?" Remus asked, lolling his head back on the couch.
"Impressed," Sirius decided. "Usually it takes them less than an hour."
Remus snickered. "We should be flattered then?"
"No, Wormtail should be. It's only cause Peter buggered off with Liz that they felt they could be rude enough to go boink each other in the other room."
"Better there than here," Remus said philosophically. "That's not really something I need to see."
Sirius shuddered. "Me neither. What about you, Remus? Why aren't you off shagging someone?"
"Why do you think?" Remus turned his head without lifting it to look at Sirius.
"You could find someone."
"I told you I'd wait until you're ready."
Sirius wasn't sure if his stomach jumped from nerves, too much alcohol, or happiness. "You shouldn't."
"Why not? I'm not missing anything."
"You like sex," Sirius pointed out.
"So do most people," Remus said patiently. "That doesn't mean I can do without it pretty happily."
"Are you happy?" Sirius asked.
"Right now? Yes. I'm completely drunk and I'm here with you." Remus's head dropped down to Sirius's shoulder. "I don't need anything else."
Sirius smiled and draped an arm around Remus's shoulder. There was just no way to argue with a statement like that. They sat in silence for a while, and Sirius closed his eyes and leaned his cheek against Remus's hair.
"You asleep?" Remus asked eventually. Sirius made a negative sound. "Good. I need to sit up. My back is killing me." Remus eased up, but Sirius kept his arm around his shoulders. "So how are things going at St. Mungo's?"
"Only you would ask that under the influence of excessive amounts of beer," Sirius groaned.
"Maybe because I have alcohol poisoning."
"You don't."
"I do. I'm in serious trouble."
"Very funny. If you had alcohol poisoning, you wouldn't be conscious right now. And you'd have probably thrown up."
"Oh."
"But it's good," Sirius said. Remus blinked, and then connected the answer with the earlier question. "I like it. I'm through a lot of the basics and I'm starting in trauma next week."
"Oh. Wow."
"Yeah."
Remus blinked slowly, opened his mouth, and then closed it without saying anything. Sirius was never quite sure of what happened next or who moved, but his next memory of the night was Remus's lips against his, warm and messy and tender, and his own enthusiastic response.
It felt so bloody good to be there on the couch, Remus's body pressed to his. Remus's tongue probed at his lips and Sirius opened his mouth under the kiss, sinking deeper into the cushions as the kiss deepened. His fingers ghosted over Remus's skin: face, neck, shoulder, and back. He felt like he could lose himself in that kiss, never come up from that swirling darkness again.
Remus broke the kiss gently, trailing hot lips down Sirius's neck. His hands were tentative on Sirius's back, nudging up the hem of the shirt Sirius wore until they smoothed across bare skin. But they didn't dare more quite yet; they just lingered.
Sirius lost all track of time or meaning- there was just sensation and nothing more. He wasn't aware of anything until Remus whispered in his ear, "Should I stay?"
And the implication came crashing down.
His body was pleading with him to say yes. If Remus stayed, this would go to its natural conclusion, and they would spend the night wrapped up together, asleep in each others' arms.
And then tomorrow morning, Remus would be gone, and Sirius would be left to wonder exactly how he was going to blow this into some spectacular mess.
He pulled away reluctantly.
"No," he said, readjusting his shirt. "You should go."
***
"You told him to go?" James demanded the next morning, as Sirius nursed the hangover that was intensified by half a bottle of rum after Remus left. "Why?"
"I can't do this, James," Sirius said, head cradled in his hands. "I won't hurt Remus again."
James sat down beside him. "I've got news for you, buddy. You already did."
***
Sirius saw Remus once in the week that followed, and he cringed at the sight. Remus looked tired and pale, far more so than usual, his eyes sad when he greeted Sirius. Sad and embarrassed, and Sirius noted with sorrow that Remus didn't sit next to him or even speak much to him. It was silly, but he missed it intensely.
But there wasn't much time to dwell on it. Dumbledore told them gravely that Edgar Bones and his family were dead. Sirius hadn't really known Bones beyond seeing him at Order meetings- an older, more furtive gentleman who spent most of his time whispering with Elphias Doge and Dorcas Meadowes- but the news of his death was still chilling. But nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the nightmare that was his first week of work.
Sirius had always assumed he had a strong stomach for wounds. After all, he'd been dealing with Remus's werewolf-inflicted injuries for over five years now in some way, shape, or form. But those were nothing, Sirius discovered, to the wounds he saw in the trauma center. The first day found him barely making it to the toilet in time, vomiting after he'd seen a little girl with her stomach split open and on the verge of death.
He came home that night and couldn't even speak to James, because every time he looked at him he imagined that moment of pulling back the sheet or wiping away the blood to see James's face, white and cold beneath his hands. He couldn't sleep that first week, but stayed up at nights, sitting on the windowsill and smoking.
He was never so grateful for the weekend, and for a day when he didn't have to see what sort of damage a wand or a human could do.
"It's not so much the spell-inflicted damage," he confessed to James on Saturday afternoon as James helped him wax the bike. "I mean, they brought this one woman in from a cauldron explosion, and I was all right with that. And Moony tears himself up badly sometimes, and I'm usually fine with that. It's the stuff that you know another person did, and did deliberately. That's what makes me sick." He threw the cloth he was using to the ground. "Maybe I'm not meant to be a Healer."
James snorted. "We're not meant to be anything, Padfoot," he laughed. "If you don't want to be a Healer, don't be one. But for Merlin's sake, don't chicken out on it."
Sirius glared at him. "When have I ever chickened out on anything?"
James met his glare evenly. "Last Saturday, when you told Remus to go home."
Sirius didn't have an answer to that, except to pick up his rag and throw it at James's face.
Peter wasn't much better. Sirius tried to explain the difficulties to him, but Peter simply made a face. "I don't see the difference," he said. "Gore is gore. What does it matter if it was brought on by an exploding cauldron or a rampaging goat or a Death Eater? It's still going to turn your stomach to look at it."
He couldn't ask Remus, because Sirius didn't see Remus all weekend. Which was frustrating, because Remus would have understood.
***
It was on the following Friday that Sirius Apparated to Florean Fortescue's ice cream parlor, splinching himself mildly on the way. Fortescue helped sort him out and then Remus led him to the back.
"What happened?" he asked when they were alone; catching Sirius's shaking hands in his. "Sirius, are you all right?"
"I'm fine," Sirius said, his voice millions of miles away. "I'm fine. But she's not."
"Who's not?"
"The woman…."
"Sirius. Sirius, what happened?" Remus overturned an empty ice cream bucket and sat down across from him. "What woman?"
"They brought us a woman. She was bleeding and she was… Remus, she wasn't very old. She was a few years older than us, I think. She was bleeding." Sirius's lips were shaking and numb.
"Sirius…."
"She died, Remus. She died under my hands. I couldn't save her." He buried his face in his hands and the image of the young woman with the long brown hair and pain-filled, pleading eyes came back to him. He heard her husband crying and the baby wailing and once again there was nothing he could do as the life faded from her in his memory. His shoulders were shaking, wracked with silent tremors of grief.
Remus just sat there, beside him, saying nothing, wrapping his arm around Sirius's body and holding him close until the worst of it subsided. When Sirius sat up, Remus eased away, watching him with worried eyes.
"All right?"
Sirius wiped at his face. "Yeah. I will be. I'm sorry, Moony."
"For what?"
"For bursting in on you like this."
Remus shrugged. "It's all right, Sirius. I understand. Anyone would be upset."
"But I-" he sighed. "It's pointless, isn't it?"
"Not at all. It's just going to take time, Sirius." Remus was standing up. "I need to get back to work. Stay back here until I'm done."
"All right."
Sirius watched Remus walk out, and as he turned his head Sirius caught sight of a smile. Fortescue and his customers would believe it was real, but Sirius knew it was fake.
And that shattered him inside even more.
***
Sunday was bright and sun-flooded; the quintessential summer day, and something in Sirius had snapped. Snapped Friday night in a flood of alcohol and drinking alone, under the weight of war and death and loneliness.
Now Sirius was sitting under a tree in a clearing, waiting for the young man who was walking towards him.
"Hello, Sirius." Remus's smile was warm, but his eyes were wary.
"Remus. Have a seat." Sirius patted the ground next to him. Remus sat, hesitant, and Sirius took a deep breath.
"I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being there the other day." The words sounded curiously formal to him.
Remus smiled wider, and this time there was nothing forced about it. "Any time, Sirius. Are you doing better?"
"Yeah. I sat down with Healer Gerpen and he had a lot to say." Sirius waved that aside. "But that wasn't what I wanted to talk to you about."
"What is it, then?"
Sirius took a deep breath. "You."
"What about me?" Remus asked.
"I wanted to know…" Sirius swallowed hard around the lump in his throat, "are you still waiting?"
Remus's eyes were completely closed off now. "Yes," he said, and Sirius thought he looked like a doe, ready to flee if the situation turned ugly. No, not a doe. Like a stag, ready to flee, or ready to fight.
"See, the thing is," he said, stumbling over the words because he didn't know how to say them and take away that look of fear and embarrassment, "I don't want you to wait anymore."
"Sirius, I told you, I-"
"No. Remus, I…" Sirius bit his lip. "I've been thinking about it and I… I don't want you to wait anymore."
There must have been something different in his tone or in his face, because the comprehension began to dawn, and the glass shutters that had closed over Remus's eyes began to shatter slowly. "Sirius?"
He shook his head, begging mutely, and hesitantly, Remus leaned over and kissed him.
The touch of Remus's lips to his was like a key unlocking his prison, bursting open the fear and the doubt that had been eating him alive for years. He reached up and cupped Remus's face, kissing him with the frantic passion of a man drowning, pulling him close and slipping his hands under his shirt.
"This time," he whispered, "I mean it."
Remus drew back, and Sirius finally saw the light and the happiness that had been missing from his eyes since… when had it gone? He wasn't sure, but it didn't matter now. They were here, together, the warmth of the sun streaming down on them and Remus's shirt already crumpled in the grass. Mouths pressed to skin, hands on smooth flesh, and before he knew it Sirius's shirt had joined Remus's, and he was stretched on his back, fly open as Remus stroked him gently. He rocked his head back to feel the sun against his closed eyes, the light saturating the moment and emphasizing the mood. He wanted it to last forever, and yet… he caught Remus's wrist, gently, pulling his hand away.
"What do you want?" he asked softly, tracing Remus's cheek with his free hand. "You've waited for me for so long… anything you want, Remus."
Remus smiled, lying back and pulling Sirius on top of him, so their bodies were aligned. "Anything I want?" he asked, his voice hoarse.
"Anything," Sirius promised.
Remus's eyes met his. "You. Inside me," he said, and Sirius nearly lost it right there.
There was no need to ask if Remus was sure; he'd had months to change his mind. There was only need to pull of their remaining clothes, which Sirius did eagerly, Remus's hands tangling with his. They were laughing then, laughing as they were naked lying on the grass, and Remus's legs wrapped around Sirius's waist. It was then that Sirius felt a shaft of doubt.
"I've never done this," he confessed, his lips brushing over Remus's.
"I know," Remus whispered. "But it will be fine. Trust me."
Two little words that made Sirius close his eyes for a long time. "I do," he finally said.
Remus fumbled for his wand and muttered two spells, both of which Sirius was familiar with in theory but had never tested (well, on anyone else) in practice. And then Remus was rocking his hips up, urging Sirius forward gently, guiding the best he could. It was awkward and Sirius never understood how exactly Remus didn't sprain anything, but then he began to push into Remus and Remus's head tipped back in pleasure, and he didn't think about anything. He just watched, trying to keep it together and trembling with the sheer heaven of being together like this, Remus's body wrapped around his and his heat tight around him. He couldn't move, he could only stare down at Remus, trying desperately not to come right now and end the experience here.
"Move, Sirius," Remus whispered, thrusting his hips in a small motion.
He began to move, watching the play of tendons in Remus's neck and the expression on his face, feeling the way Remus clenched around him and his fingers clung to his forearms. Remus's hips were guiding him, showing him the way and urging him to move a little harder, a little faster, until Sirius had to close his eyes and do nothing but thrust because the world would end if he didn't and- oh- he needed this and needed it now and finally the dam broke, and he came, clinging to Remus who was still moving beneath him.
He lay still over Remus's body, gasping for breath and trying to reorient himself in a world where he couldn't tell which way was up. Finally, he opened his eyes to see Remus smiling at him.
"Was that good?" he asked.
"Very," Remus replied, a glint of mischief.
"Did you…?"
Remus shook his head, and if Sirius wasn't mistaken he was laughing. "Not yet, anyway," he said. "Roll off."
Sirius obeyed, embarrassed at first and forgetting it promptly when Remus took his hand and guided it to his cock, showing him exactly how to touch. The wanton look on his face and the parting of his lips sent a thrill through Sirius even as he stroked, and then Remus was shaking against him, gasping for air and clinging to Sirius's arms.
"Now you did," he couldn't resist teasing.
"Your powers of observation never cease to amaze me," Remus managed after a moment. He opened his eyes. "So."
"So," Sirius agreed, wiping his hand on the grass and then curling a tendril of Remus's hair around his finger.
"Are we…?"
"Yes, we are." Sirius flushed. "If you want to be."
Remus smiled. "I'm glad to be done waiting."
"Me too," Sirius said, the sunlight and Remus's smile lighting up his soul. "Me too."
Author:
lupinslittlesisPairing: Pfft. Same as always.
Rating: R for gratuitous sex at the end.
Disclaimer: If they were mine, things would be different. Like I'd be writing this from a laptop in Hawaii or something.
Author's notes: So, this isn't anything close to what I'm supposed to be writing. But I'm suffering from a nasty case of writer's block, and anything written is good. This was written reflecting three things: 1.)
aura218's comment that there's rarely any fic with Remus as the pursuer and Sirius as the pursued, 2.) nassima's lovely art that can be viewed here, and 3.) my simple kink for a Remus that bottoms for reasons that are neither submissive nor dominant- just that that's what he's into. So just a little MWPP-era "how they got together" fic.Sadly, I do think that this fic is reflecting my writer's block- I can see that expository style cropping up in spots, and a few of those dreaded cliches. I think you can tell I'm more a novel-length writer as well… or at least there were things where I was like "ooooh, THIS could be fun!" And yes, I REALLY like my AIL characterization of Peter and James, although they're both far more accepting here. But there are other spots and ideas I'm very, very pleased with, so it's getting posted.
"Padfoot, what did you get for number eighteen?"
Sirius, who was sitting on the floor of their dorm room and rapidly writing the answer to question twenty, looked up. "A straightforward switching spell followed by a transfiguration of the wings. Same thing?"
James propped his feet up on the bed. "Yeah. I just wasn't sure. It seemed a little too straightforward for a McGonagall N.E.W.T. question."
Sirius chuckled. "Maybe because all of the others were exceptions instead of the rules? She thought she could throw us for a loop with a simple question?" He leaned back against his bed, shifting to take the weight off his tailbone. "Evil wench. It would be like her. Only McGonagall would set twenty essay questions for a weekend."
"No," James said, "Peter's stuck downstairs doing that essay for Divination, Lily said she's got a ton of Potions work, and Remus has been holed up in the library for hours with his Arithmancy partner."
"Yeah." Sirius stared down at his parchment.
"What?" James asked, eyeing his best friend.
"Huh? I didn't say anything."
"You didn't need to. What is it?" James asked.
"Nothing." Sirius picked at the carpet beneath him.
"It's Remus and Christian, isn't it?" James was smirking.
"Shut up."
"It is."
"Prat." Sirius rolled up his Transfiguration homework. "I don't know why I told you."
James snorted and kicked Sirius in the thigh. "After two years of you torturing me about Lily, turnabout is fair play."
"Yeah, but Lily never was going with some bloke under your nose-"
"Yes she was," James interrupted.
"And telling you about it," Sirius finished with a pointed glare.
"Okay. Point," James conceded, and the mug expression dropped from his face. "Does he really talk about it all that much?"
"No," Sirius admitted.
James sighed. "I ought to just tell him I know. I wouldn't implicate you. I know him well enough that it's believable I could have figured it out."
A flood of gratitude left Sirius sagging against the bed. "Would you, Prongs?"
"Sure. I'd been thinking about it anyway." James kicked Sirius again. "Come on. Let's finish this up so we can go have some fun."
***
Sirius was basking outside under a tree when a shadow fell over him.
"What are you doing?"
"Highly complicated mathematical proofs of the existence of life in my head," Sirius said. "What are you doing?"
Peter flopped down beside him. "I'm bored."
"How can you be bored? N.E.W.T.s are in less than three weeks. Don't you have to study?"
"Don't you?"
"That's all I've been doing all morning. I'm taking a break." Sirius tilted his face to the sun.
"Where's James?"
Sirius shrugged. "Not sure. I forgot to smack a tracking charm on him."
"Funny."
"I thought so." Sirius cracked one eye open. Peter was sitting, fiddling with the grass. "Relax, then, if you're tired of studying."
"I thought we could go do something."
Sleeping in the sun was nice, but Sirius had never been an inactive person. "What did you have in mind?"
"There's that clearing in the Forbidden Forest we always meant to investigate," Peter suggested. "No one would catch us."
It took all of two seconds to decide. "That works."
After a few furtive glances around, and then a dog and a rat were bounding towards the Forbidden Forest, completely uncaring of any rules that Dumbledore and Filch may have set down.
The Forest, for all that the authorities made it seem threatening, was beautiful and peaceful today, with the early summer sunlight slanting through the trees and shining off the needles. Beside Sirius, Peter slipped back into his human form. "It's easier to keep up with you this way," he panted. Sirius debated running off for a moment, just to be contrary, but decided against it. In a way, it was nice not to be alone.
The problem with being alone these days was that Sirius tended to think. Think about the looming end of their school days, think about the world outside school and the conflict that raged, think about his parents (not that he'd ever admit it)... and think about sex. He hated thinking about sex.
He looked up at Peter, nudging him for a quick scratch behind the ears. Lucky Peter. Peter's life was normal. Peter had had several girlfriends, some of them very pretty. The current, Liz, wasn't overly pretty but was extremely funny and intelligent, and Peter insisted that made up for a lack of large breasts and long hair. Then there was James with Lily: perfect, red-haired, intelligent, beautiful Lily. James and Peter could talk for hours about knickers and tits and curves and all that. The only time Sirius could contribute anything to the conversation was when wanking came up, because straight like Peter or James, bi like Remus, or (oh did he have to say it? yes) gay like Sirius, every bloke wanked.
But it was a problem when the object of your fantasies slept two beds over from you. And even worse, when you knew he wasn't thinking about you at all, because he had some boyfriend that for some reason he only felt comfortable telling you about. But then, the fine art of masturbation was never discussed in that much detail.
"Forest is quiet today," Peter observed as they walked. "It's like the whole world is lazy." He ducked under a tree branch. "It's not much farther, is it?"
Sirius shook his head.
"I didn't think so. Hopefully we won't run into the centaurs. You're good, but Remus was definitely the one who talked us out of that last time." Peter made a face. "I'll miss all this when we leave."
Abruptly, Sirius transformed back into a human. "I will too," he admitted. "But let's not talk about that now. Let's get to that clearing."
It could be hard to tell one clearing from another in a forest, but this one had its distinctions, and Sirius and Peter knew they'd found it instantly by the little pool in the center of it. "You know," Sirius decided, "it's actually very pretty."
Peter snorted. "Don't turn ponce on me and start going on about scenery and flowers."
Sirius flushed red. "I am not turning ponce," he said. And then added quietly, before he could think about it, "I've been one since fifth year."
Peter turned around, eyes far calmer than James's had been when Sirius first told him. "I know."
"What?" Sirius fell back a step. "How could you know?"
Peter shrugged. "I just do. I have since fifth year. If you're interested, I know you had a thing for that Wimborne Wasps Chaser Cotba, and then that Muggle cinema star whatshisname, and finally- and for the past year or so, I might add- one Mister Moony."
Sirius's cheeks began to hurt thanks to the amount of blood rushing to them. "Shut up. You haven't told anyone this, have you?"
"Nope." Peter walked over to the pool and knelt beside it. "Looks like it's what, three or four meters across? I wonder how deep this is. You can't see the bottom."
"Peter, I'm serious. I don't want anyone else to know."
"I know. Why do you think I've kept my mouth shut? I assume Prongs knows, though." Peter shifted to sit down. "There's some fish in here. They're nice. Sirius, come look at these."
The fish were pretty- small creatures that flitted around the pool, bright with jewel-like colors. Sirius dipped one finger in, trying to touch one. Peter slapped his hand. "Don't do that. Some fish don't like the human touch."
"Oh yeah." Sirius rocked back on his tailbone, hugging his knees to him.
Peter chuckled, and stood up to retrieve a big stick. "Look. The thing I don't get is why you just don't tell Remus you're interested already."
"What makes you think he'd be interested back?" Sirius hedged.
Peter shrugged. "Don't know that he would be," he said, and Sirius breathed a sigh of relief that Peter didn't magically know everything that was happening. "But you'll never know unless you ask."
"You'll laugh at my reason," Sirius said, leaning over with interest as Peter poked the stick into the pool. "That is deep."
"Yeah, I can't feel the bottom at all. I won't laugh. What's your reason?"
"It might fuck everything up," Sirius admitted in a rush. "And that's the last thing I want. Not again."
Peter cringed. "All right. I can see that. Does Moony know you're a poof?"
"I don't know. It doesn't matter, okay? I just don't want- hey, what was that?"
There was a distinct ripple that didn't come from the motions of Peter's stick. Peter frowned. "Maybe I've stirred up the fish?"
"I think you've stirred something up all right," Sirius said. The fish were scurrying to the sides of the pool, and some of them disappearing all together. "Maybe we should- ARGH!" A hand-like appendage shot out of the pool and wrapped its grip around Sirius's ankle.
"Kelpie!" Peter gasped.
"No shit!" Sirius scrabbled for his wand. "Does it look like it's a big one, Peter?"
"Like I'm getting any closer?"
"Some help you are." Sirius took aim and shot at the hand. There was a gurgled roar from the pool, and a shaft of pain in his ankle. "BUGGER ME!" he roared as a bone snapped. "PETER! Give me a hand here!"
"What am I supposed to do?" Peter demanded, but he brandished his stick and smacked the kelpie's hand.
"I don't know! But do it anyway!" Sirius stared down into the well through a haze of pain and saw a face, distorted by water but clear in its malevolence. He thought he was doing a remarkable job of not panicking right now, but that was coming closer and closer to changing as his heart pounded in his ears in time with the painful throbbing of his ankle. He took careful aim and fired a Conjunctivitus Curse, but the curse refracted in the water and missed. There was a gurgling roar again, and the kelpie's hand tightened, and Sirius went down, his ankle completely useless.
Peter came running, stick in one hand and wand in the other, and then the kelpie's head broke the surface of the water. It was hideous, something out of a child's horror book and yet terrifying in its reality at the same time. Sirius froze as the creature loomed over him, and then Peter was there, stabbing at the kelpie with his stick and looking for all the world like some sort of jousting monk from the Medieval ages. Peter hit it square in the face, and the kelpie finally relinquished its hold on Sirius, hands pulled back to protect its eyes. Both boys fired Conjunctivitus Curses, Sirius hitting it square in the chest and Peter in the face. The kelpie sank back into the water, howling with pain. Peter scrambled over and dragged Sirius away, Sirius trying to help.
"It looks like your ankle's broken," Peter said, hunkering down to examine it more closely. "Can you put any weight on it?"
Sirius tried and yelped. "I don't think so," he said, gritting his teeth against the haze of agony. "This is exactly what I wanted- to be brought back to the castle by the power of your wand."
"You could try to limp on that ankle," Peter riposted, offended. "I don't have to help you."
Sirius sighed. "Sorry. It's just," he gestured to the rapidly swelling ankle as justification and Peter softened.
"I probably shouldn't have stuck that stick in, huh?" he asked, slightly sheepish.
"Let that be a lesson to you, Mister Wormtail," Sirius intoned. "Some things are not meant to be played with."
***
James finally found Remus in the entrance hall, sitting on the steps and talking to Christian, who was standing and about to leave. Although James's taste ran definitively towards women, he was certainly intelligent enough to figure out what might be attractive about a bloke, and he wondered what exactly the attraction was. Christian wasn't hideous (not like some greasy gits he could name), but we was short and somewhat pudgy, with plain brown hair, blain brown eyes and a preponderance of freckles.
They were definitely subtle, James decided. They didn't touch much, except for a friendly clasping of hands when Christian turned to go. And perhaps because he wanted this for Sirius or perhaps because it was the truth, James didn't see any spark of undying love in Christian's smile, and Remus's eyes didn't seem to follow him as he left. And yet, according to Sirius, they were sleeping together.
"All right Moony?" James leaned against the banister.
"Oh, hello Prongs." It definitely wasn't his imagination that Remus flushed. "What are you doing?"
"Just taking a break. Done that essay set for McGonagall yet?"
Remus groaned. "She's a heartless wench."
James chuckled and sat down beside Remus, who scooted over enough to make room for him. "That she is. So, was that him?" he asked, trying to sound casual.
"Was that who?" Remus queried back. "You know that was Christian Marshall.'
Shit. So much for Plan A. James leaned back on his elbows. "You two have been spending a lot of time together, haven't you?"
Remus shrugged. "Not that much, no. Certainly less than you spend with Evans or Sirius spends arguing Quidditch versus Quadpot with Grabowski. We've got a huge project due in Arithmancy in a few days."
Oh, screw trying to be tactful. You couldn't do that with Remus- he had a polite answer for everything. "And you're shagging him," James blurted.
Remus turned bright red. "Keep it down," he hissed, but the few students in the hall had no apparent interest in their conversation. "How in the bloody hell did you know that?"
"You don't hide it well," James tried, and Remus snorted.
"We hide it extremely well. Sirius told you."
"Don't tell him," James begged.
Remus shook his head. "I won't. So. Um." He twisted his fingers together, shoulders hunched over and pulling back even further from James. They sat in awkward silence.
"So is it serious?" James finally asked. "I mean, how long have you two been together?"
"Three months," Remus said, playing with a loose thread on the cuff of his sleeve. "And no. It's not serious at all."
"Why not?"
"He's got an apprenticeship with Gregorovitch after Hogwarts," Remus explained, and there was not catch in his voice. "He'll be off to Bulgaria for a few years. I'm staying here- well, in England."
"So why bother?" James asked.
Remus shrugged again. "Why not? Christian's a great bloke, he likes me, and we have a good a good time together. No one's getting hurt."
Except Sirius, James thought bitterly, but fairness reminded him Remus didn't know that. Remus, however, was still stuck back in the moment of revelation.
"Listen, James. It's not I don't appreciate how you're taking this. I do. But why are you even bringing it up now?" James fumbled for an answer, but Remus answered himself. "Sirius asked you to, didn't he?"
Before James could say anything (not that he needed to), the door was flung open and Peter came over the threshold, carefully guiding a levitated Sirius. Sirius's face was white under smudged dirt and his lips were drawn in a taut line of pain.
"Padfoot!" James was off the steps and by Sirius's side in a heartbeat. "What happened?"
"Broken ankle," Peter said. "We need to get him to Pomfrey. I'll tell you what happened later. Remus, are you coming?"
James looked back over his shoulder to see Remus as white as Sirius himself. "Yeah," Remus said, pulling himself together. "I'm coming."
***
Madame Pomfrey might have been excellent at repairing bones, but Sirius decided it was a talent she could practice at will. His ankle hadn't been broken so much as shattered, Pomfrey said, and until she knew exactly how it happened she couldn't take the easiest measures. Sirius and Peter, both well-versed enough in Defense against the Dark Arts to know that there was no secret way to mend the wounds of a kelpie's grip, both refused to answer and as a result, Sirius had a night-long date with a dose of Skele-grow and a good helping of agony, even though he was convinced there was an easier way to repair the breaks.
It did not, however, escape his notice that Remus stayed with him through the night, sitting by his bedside and keeping him company.
"Well, why not?" Remus had said when Sirius thanked him around dawn, as the Skele-grow was finishing its work. "You always stay up with me." His smile as he said it made the words deepen from fairness and gratitude to fellowship. "So what were you and Peter thinking, poking a stick in a hole in the Forbidden Forest?"
Sirius laughed. "It was rather dim of us, wasn't it?"
"Dim, but typical," Remus said. He scooted his chair closer and Sirius could sense the warmth of his body through the cotton of his own pajamas. "Sirius, are you well enough that I can ask you something?"
Remus's brown eyes were closed and guarded, and Sirius's stomach twisted in response. "James talked to you," he guessed.
"Yes. Sirius, why didn't you just tell me you were uncomfortable with me telling you about Christian? You've been good about it, but I didn't mean to put you in a bad position. If it bothers you, I won't bring it up."
Sirius flushed. "It doesn't bother me. Not like you mean, anyway," he said defiantly. He closed his eyes. "Don't worry about it, Moony. 'Sfine."
Remus leaned over and adjusted the blankets, and Sirius was sure he wasn't imagining the soft gentle touch of lips on his forehead. "All right, Sirius," he whispered. "We won't talk about it."
Sirius pretended to sleep.
***
He finally did drift off to sleep late just before classes began for the day. Madame Pomfrey took pity on him and let him sleep, although a mountain of work was sure to be accumulating by his bedside. By the time he was up and around and able to attend his last class of the day, he had convinced himself that those last few words with Remus had been a Skele-grow induced dream. Dinner only confirmed that, as the conversation centered around his and Peter's kelpie adventure, and the work that had been assigned today in their classes, and plans for after Hogwarts. In fact, Sirius was so relaxed he didn't even think about it when James defected to spend the evening with Evans and Peter disappeared with talk of a Divination project, and he was left alone walking up the stairs with Remus, laughing about the predictions Peter had read from their tea leaves.
Therefore he was caught totally unprepared when, once they were safe inside their dorm room, Remus kissed him.
His lips were gentle against Sirius's, but firm at the same time. Sirius stood in shock, eyes wide open and arms slack at his sides until Remus pulled away.
"Sirius?" Remus asked, eyes darkening. Sirius could only stare, and Remus took a few steps back. "Oh, Sirius, I'm sorry. I thought… I knew something was bothering you about hearing about me and Christian and you sounded like it wasn't because we're both blokes, and so I figured it was because, well, you… but no. Sirius- I'm sorry."
Somewhere inside, Sirius found his voice. "You're seeing Christian."
Remus bit his lip. "I broke off with him this morning. It wasn't going to last much longer anyway."
"Why not?" Sirius staggered to his bed in his best zombie imitation and sat down. "Why not?" he repeated, his hand moving to touch his lips, where the warmth of Remus's lips still lingered.
Remus approached cautiously, and when Sirius didn't immediately push him or move away, sat down next to him. "It was never going to. We both knew it, but we thought it would be fun. And I thought I never had a chance with you. I wasn't even sure if you were gay," Sirius cringed on the word, "and even if you were, I never thought you'd want me. Then yesterday James ran interference for you, and you said it wasn't…." Remus trailed off and shook his head. "I thought maybe the reason you didn't want to hear about Christian anymore might be because you were jealous. I hoped it was, anyway."
Lightning crashed through Sirius. This… this was the last thing…. "Then why were you with Christian?" he asked through numb lips that were slowly regaining feeling.
"He liked me," Remus said simply. "I liked him well enough. It was enough to be going on for now." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Padfoot."
Sirius turned to look at Remus, who was now hunched in on himself again. He could see the walls coming up and shutting him in and Sirius out, as if they were concrete structures and not simply constructs in Remus's imagination, and had to move to stop it. "Remus, no." He reached out and lay a hand on Remus's shoulder. "You were right."
"I was?"
"You were. I was jealous."
This time it wasn't a surprise when Remus moved in to kiss him again, although perhaps because he moved so slowly. His hands were hesitant as he reached for Sirius, his movements jerky. Sirius closed his eyes under the kiss, and savored every second of it, because there wouldn't be another one. He broke the kiss gently, and pulled away.
"What is it?" Remus asked.
Sirius shook his head. "I can't."
"Sirius-"
"Remus, I've known you like blokes for over four months now. Don't you think if this was something I wanted to pursue, I'd have told you by now?"
"But Christian-"
"Why would I have let that stop me? I didn't know you wanted me, too. But Remus, this is somewhere I can't go- somewhere we can't go."
"Why not?"
He looked so surprised, so distraught. Sirius had never thought this situation would come about, and if he'd even entertained it, he'd never thought it would be so hard. But he'd given this thought- and lots of it- for years. "Moony, you're one of my best friends. You and Peter and James… no. You're not just my friends. You're my family. The three of you mean more to me than anything in the world, do you understand? I can't mess that up."
Remus shrugged. "Who says we will?"
"Remus, this isn't a joke, or a prank, or anything like that. I need you in my life. I need to know you're always in my life. I won't risk that on something that you can throw away so easily."
Remus drew back, stung. "That's rich, saying I'd throw it away that easily."
"That's what you're doing to Christian."
"It is not!" Remus's cheeks were flushed with color, but he calmed down quickly. "Sirius, Christian and I never intended to be long-term. We never called it love and we knew it. It was honest. But you're different. Everything about this is different, and it wouldn't be something I'd end so easily."
Sirius buried his face in his hands, breathing deeply. It was like walking on ice, or ice covered rocks in a river of fire. One wrong step, one wrong word… and there they were, back in sixth year.
"Remus, if you care about me in any way, leave us as we are, all right? I've fucked up everything I've ever touched. I won't fuck this up, too."
Remus sighed and moved away. "All right Sirius."
"Thank you." He bent over and picked up a discarded Charms text, and Remus stood.
"I'm going downstairs."
"All right."
Remus gathered his things together and left. But as he crossed the threshold of their room, Sirius thought he heard him whisper, "I'll wait."
***
Sirius wasn't sure what he was expecting over the next few weeks, but he knew what he feared. He was terrified that Remus would either be hovering over him, waiting for an opportunity, or retreat in an angry sulk. Neither happened. In fact, if Sirius hadn't been there for those two kisses, he would doubt that they ever happened at all.
However, the two kisses kept happening, at unexpected moments of the days, but always in his head.
"I don't understand why you're fighting it," James said the night before N.E.W.T.s were to begin. "As soon as he thought you might be interested- might, even, not were- he split with Christian. What more do you want?"
Sirius shrugged. For sixth year not to have happened. But he couldn't say the words out loud, not even to James.
James opened his mouth to continue, but he was cut off by Peter and Remus stumping in. "I swear," Peter groaned, flinging himself across his bed, "if I ever see a Transfiguration diagram again, I will boot. I promise you."
"You'd better close your eyes during the exam tomorrow then," Remus said, turning back his own covers. Sirius watched him, trying not to be obvious but aware that he was staring. In a few days N.E.W.T.s would be over and so would Hogwarts, and life would be completely different than what it had been.
He turned away and snuggled down in his bed, closing his eyes and willing himself to drift off to sleep. With the amount of work that they'd had, it wasn't hard.
Hhe woke up later, his heart pounding and sweat sluicing down between shoulder blades, with Remus shaking him.
"Sirius. Sirius, calm down."
Sirius forced his breathing into something resembling normal. He was only at Hogwarts, not in number 12 Grimmauld Place, and the breeze blowing in billowed drapes of red and gold, not ghosts from his memory. Remus handed him a glass of water and Sirius took it, the liquid sloshing onto his pajamas as he lifted it to his lips.
"Are you all right?" Remus asked.
"Yeah," Sirius responded automatically. He glanced over at Remus's rumpled bed. "I didn't wake you up, did I?"
"No. You weren't being that loud. I couldn't sleep," Remus confessed. "I was going over my Transfiguration notes."
"Why couldn't you sleep?"
"Nerves." Remus took the empty glass from Sirius and set it down on the nightstand. "Should I ask what you were dreaming about?"
"My parents," Sirius admitted. He shivered, although the details of the dream were already rapidly fading from his mind. "They died."
Remus's face was sympathetic, but there was a light of something else in his eyes. "You miss them, don't you?"
Sirius snorted. "No," he replied immediately. "My mother is an evil, shallow bitch and my father isn't much better. I'm well cleared of them." But his voice lacked the conviction and vehemence it held during the days when he spoke these sentiments, and somewhere inside he felt like crying. He huddled deeper in the blankets.
Remus didn't laugh. Instead, he just laid a hand on Sirius's shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"All right." He began to draw away, but Sirius clapped his hand over Remus's quickly.
"Stay."
"What?"
"Stay," Sirius whispered. "Just for a while."
The shutters came down over Remus's eyes, but not before Sirius saw a flicker of hope. "All right." He sat down at the head of the bed, gently guiding Sirius's head to his lap. He Accioed a book over to him and began running soothing, gentle fingers through Sirius's hair.
It wasn't quite what Sirius had meant, he supposed as his eyelids grew heavy again. But it was probably just as well.
He was just about asleep when he felt the flutter of Remus's lips graze across his forehead. "I'm here, Pads," Remus whispered. "I'll always be here."
***
Whether Sirius liked it or not, leaving was something they had to do.
N.E.W.T.s passed in a flurry of exhaustion and cramped hands and sore heads, and frantic last-minute studying. Sirius was confident he'd done well, and then the last few days flew by in sun drenched freedom. Before he knew it, he was standing with a packed trunk, ready to leave Hogwarts.
Life wouldn't change that much, not in the important ways, he reminded himself furiously. They were all moving to London, all four of them. He and James were sharing a flat- or more accurately, James was staying in his flat until he and Lily were ready to get married. James had a part-time job in Quality Quidditch Supplies that would allow him to devote most of his time to Dumbledore's Order, and Sirius had been accepted by the healers at St. Mungo's. Remus had found a small bedsit near them, and Dumbledore had helped him get a job with Florean Fortescue, making ice cream. It wasn't what Remus had planned, they all knew, but he seemed quite happy with it. And Peter, surprising them all with his daring, had taken a flat with his girlfriend and a job breeding and training owls. But they were all within easy walking distance of each other, much less Floo or Apparation or portkey or broom or flying motorcycle or any of the other numerous transportation methods available to Muggle or Wizard.
In fact, life would be better. No more rules. No more professors. No more homework. And no more waiting on the sidelines, wanting to make a difference and not being able to. Yes, it was good they were leaving Hogwarts, Sirius told himself as he left his trunk to be loaded on the Hogwarts Express for the last time. He thundered down the steps, catching up to the other three.
"Ready, Padfoot?" James asked, slinging his arm around Sirius's shoulder.
"Ready," Sirius confirmed.
They were boarding the train when Sirius caught sight of Regulus. "Should we hex him?" Peter asked.
On just about any other occasion, Sirius would have said yes without a thought. But today, it hit him hard that this would be the last time he'd be guaranteed to see his brother. He shook his head.
"Regulus," he called out. His brother turned, and Sirius lifted a hand. With a cold, angry glance Regulus deliberately turned his back. Sirius stared after him for a long moment, then lifted his head. "Come on," he said, his voice too strident. "Let's get a compartment before they're all gone and we have to hex some first years to get one."
James nodded sharply and began hunting up the nearest available compartment, and Peter sent a rather satisfying curse at Regulus that made him yelp. But Remus just grabbed his arm and pulled him in to the compartment James found, with a squeeze of compassion and a sad smile that Sirius didn't understand.
***
Freedom did agree with them all. Sirius was surprised at how quickly he and James settled into life in the flat. It was a whirlwind of takeout and socks scattered about the place in a matter of days, Lily, Peter, and Remus dropping by on a regular basis, and late nights just sitting up together and doing whatever they pleased. That was all complemented by the regular hours of work and Order meetings, work for Dumbledore and long hours in libraries and on watch. Before Sirius knew it, a full month had gone by.
A month of freedom naturally called for a party, and of course parties required alcohol. Sirius was now slumped on the couch next to Remus at one o'clock in the morning.
"Should I be surprised or amused that James lasted until after midnight before dragging Lily to his room?" Remus asked, lolling his head back on the couch.
"Impressed," Sirius decided. "Usually it takes them less than an hour."
Remus snickered. "We should be flattered then?"
"No, Wormtail should be. It's only cause Peter buggered off with Liz that they felt they could be rude enough to go boink each other in the other room."
"Better there than here," Remus said philosophically. "That's not really something I need to see."
Sirius shuddered. "Me neither. What about you, Remus? Why aren't you off shagging someone?"
"Why do you think?" Remus turned his head without lifting it to look at Sirius.
"You could find someone."
"I told you I'd wait until you're ready."
Sirius wasn't sure if his stomach jumped from nerves, too much alcohol, or happiness. "You shouldn't."
"Why not? I'm not missing anything."
"You like sex," Sirius pointed out.
"So do most people," Remus said patiently. "That doesn't mean I can do without it pretty happily."
"Are you happy?" Sirius asked.
"Right now? Yes. I'm completely drunk and I'm here with you." Remus's head dropped down to Sirius's shoulder. "I don't need anything else."
Sirius smiled and draped an arm around Remus's shoulder. There was just no way to argue with a statement like that. They sat in silence for a while, and Sirius closed his eyes and leaned his cheek against Remus's hair.
"You asleep?" Remus asked eventually. Sirius made a negative sound. "Good. I need to sit up. My back is killing me." Remus eased up, but Sirius kept his arm around his shoulders. "So how are things going at St. Mungo's?"
"Only you would ask that under the influence of excessive amounts of beer," Sirius groaned.
"Maybe because I have alcohol poisoning."
"You don't."
"I do. I'm in serious trouble."
"Very funny. If you had alcohol poisoning, you wouldn't be conscious right now. And you'd have probably thrown up."
"Oh."
"But it's good," Sirius said. Remus blinked, and then connected the answer with the earlier question. "I like it. I'm through a lot of the basics and I'm starting in trauma next week."
"Oh. Wow."
"Yeah."
Remus blinked slowly, opened his mouth, and then closed it without saying anything. Sirius was never quite sure of what happened next or who moved, but his next memory of the night was Remus's lips against his, warm and messy and tender, and his own enthusiastic response.
It felt so bloody good to be there on the couch, Remus's body pressed to his. Remus's tongue probed at his lips and Sirius opened his mouth under the kiss, sinking deeper into the cushions as the kiss deepened. His fingers ghosted over Remus's skin: face, neck, shoulder, and back. He felt like he could lose himself in that kiss, never come up from that swirling darkness again.
Remus broke the kiss gently, trailing hot lips down Sirius's neck. His hands were tentative on Sirius's back, nudging up the hem of the shirt Sirius wore until they smoothed across bare skin. But they didn't dare more quite yet; they just lingered.
Sirius lost all track of time or meaning- there was just sensation and nothing more. He wasn't aware of anything until Remus whispered in his ear, "Should I stay?"
And the implication came crashing down.
His body was pleading with him to say yes. If Remus stayed, this would go to its natural conclusion, and they would spend the night wrapped up together, asleep in each others' arms.
And then tomorrow morning, Remus would be gone, and Sirius would be left to wonder exactly how he was going to blow this into some spectacular mess.
He pulled away reluctantly.
"No," he said, readjusting his shirt. "You should go."
***
"You told him to go?" James demanded the next morning, as Sirius nursed the hangover that was intensified by half a bottle of rum after Remus left. "Why?"
"I can't do this, James," Sirius said, head cradled in his hands. "I won't hurt Remus again."
James sat down beside him. "I've got news for you, buddy. You already did."
***
Sirius saw Remus once in the week that followed, and he cringed at the sight. Remus looked tired and pale, far more so than usual, his eyes sad when he greeted Sirius. Sad and embarrassed, and Sirius noted with sorrow that Remus didn't sit next to him or even speak much to him. It was silly, but he missed it intensely.
But there wasn't much time to dwell on it. Dumbledore told them gravely that Edgar Bones and his family were dead. Sirius hadn't really known Bones beyond seeing him at Order meetings- an older, more furtive gentleman who spent most of his time whispering with Elphias Doge and Dorcas Meadowes- but the news of his death was still chilling. But nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the nightmare that was his first week of work.
Sirius had always assumed he had a strong stomach for wounds. After all, he'd been dealing with Remus's werewolf-inflicted injuries for over five years now in some way, shape, or form. But those were nothing, Sirius discovered, to the wounds he saw in the trauma center. The first day found him barely making it to the toilet in time, vomiting after he'd seen a little girl with her stomach split open and on the verge of death.
He came home that night and couldn't even speak to James, because every time he looked at him he imagined that moment of pulling back the sheet or wiping away the blood to see James's face, white and cold beneath his hands. He couldn't sleep that first week, but stayed up at nights, sitting on the windowsill and smoking.
He was never so grateful for the weekend, and for a day when he didn't have to see what sort of damage a wand or a human could do.
"It's not so much the spell-inflicted damage," he confessed to James on Saturday afternoon as James helped him wax the bike. "I mean, they brought this one woman in from a cauldron explosion, and I was all right with that. And Moony tears himself up badly sometimes, and I'm usually fine with that. It's the stuff that you know another person did, and did deliberately. That's what makes me sick." He threw the cloth he was using to the ground. "Maybe I'm not meant to be a Healer."
James snorted. "We're not meant to be anything, Padfoot," he laughed. "If you don't want to be a Healer, don't be one. But for Merlin's sake, don't chicken out on it."
Sirius glared at him. "When have I ever chickened out on anything?"
James met his glare evenly. "Last Saturday, when you told Remus to go home."
Sirius didn't have an answer to that, except to pick up his rag and throw it at James's face.
Peter wasn't much better. Sirius tried to explain the difficulties to him, but Peter simply made a face. "I don't see the difference," he said. "Gore is gore. What does it matter if it was brought on by an exploding cauldron or a rampaging goat or a Death Eater? It's still going to turn your stomach to look at it."
He couldn't ask Remus, because Sirius didn't see Remus all weekend. Which was frustrating, because Remus would have understood.
***
It was on the following Friday that Sirius Apparated to Florean Fortescue's ice cream parlor, splinching himself mildly on the way. Fortescue helped sort him out and then Remus led him to the back.
"What happened?" he asked when they were alone; catching Sirius's shaking hands in his. "Sirius, are you all right?"
"I'm fine," Sirius said, his voice millions of miles away. "I'm fine. But she's not."
"Who's not?"
"The woman…."
"Sirius. Sirius, what happened?" Remus overturned an empty ice cream bucket and sat down across from him. "What woman?"
"They brought us a woman. She was bleeding and she was… Remus, she wasn't very old. She was a few years older than us, I think. She was bleeding." Sirius's lips were shaking and numb.
"Sirius…."
"She died, Remus. She died under my hands. I couldn't save her." He buried his face in his hands and the image of the young woman with the long brown hair and pain-filled, pleading eyes came back to him. He heard her husband crying and the baby wailing and once again there was nothing he could do as the life faded from her in his memory. His shoulders were shaking, wracked with silent tremors of grief.
Remus just sat there, beside him, saying nothing, wrapping his arm around Sirius's body and holding him close until the worst of it subsided. When Sirius sat up, Remus eased away, watching him with worried eyes.
"All right?"
Sirius wiped at his face. "Yeah. I will be. I'm sorry, Moony."
"For what?"
"For bursting in on you like this."
Remus shrugged. "It's all right, Sirius. I understand. Anyone would be upset."
"But I-" he sighed. "It's pointless, isn't it?"
"Not at all. It's just going to take time, Sirius." Remus was standing up. "I need to get back to work. Stay back here until I'm done."
"All right."
Sirius watched Remus walk out, and as he turned his head Sirius caught sight of a smile. Fortescue and his customers would believe it was real, but Sirius knew it was fake.
And that shattered him inside even more.
***
Sunday was bright and sun-flooded; the quintessential summer day, and something in Sirius had snapped. Snapped Friday night in a flood of alcohol and drinking alone, under the weight of war and death and loneliness.
Now Sirius was sitting under a tree in a clearing, waiting for the young man who was walking towards him.
"Hello, Sirius." Remus's smile was warm, but his eyes were wary.
"Remus. Have a seat." Sirius patted the ground next to him. Remus sat, hesitant, and Sirius took a deep breath.
"I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being there the other day." The words sounded curiously formal to him.
Remus smiled wider, and this time there was nothing forced about it. "Any time, Sirius. Are you doing better?"
"Yeah. I sat down with Healer Gerpen and he had a lot to say." Sirius waved that aside. "But that wasn't what I wanted to talk to you about."
"What is it, then?"
Sirius took a deep breath. "You."
"What about me?" Remus asked.
"I wanted to know…" Sirius swallowed hard around the lump in his throat, "are you still waiting?"
Remus's eyes were completely closed off now. "Yes," he said, and Sirius thought he looked like a doe, ready to flee if the situation turned ugly. No, not a doe. Like a stag, ready to flee, or ready to fight.
"See, the thing is," he said, stumbling over the words because he didn't know how to say them and take away that look of fear and embarrassment, "I don't want you to wait anymore."
"Sirius, I told you, I-"
"No. Remus, I…" Sirius bit his lip. "I've been thinking about it and I… I don't want you to wait anymore."
There must have been something different in his tone or in his face, because the comprehension began to dawn, and the glass shutters that had closed over Remus's eyes began to shatter slowly. "Sirius?"
He shook his head, begging mutely, and hesitantly, Remus leaned over and kissed him.
The touch of Remus's lips to his was like a key unlocking his prison, bursting open the fear and the doubt that had been eating him alive for years. He reached up and cupped Remus's face, kissing him with the frantic passion of a man drowning, pulling him close and slipping his hands under his shirt.
"This time," he whispered, "I mean it."
Remus drew back, and Sirius finally saw the light and the happiness that had been missing from his eyes since… when had it gone? He wasn't sure, but it didn't matter now. They were here, together, the warmth of the sun streaming down on them and Remus's shirt already crumpled in the grass. Mouths pressed to skin, hands on smooth flesh, and before he knew it Sirius's shirt had joined Remus's, and he was stretched on his back, fly open as Remus stroked him gently. He rocked his head back to feel the sun against his closed eyes, the light saturating the moment and emphasizing the mood. He wanted it to last forever, and yet… he caught Remus's wrist, gently, pulling his hand away.
"What do you want?" he asked softly, tracing Remus's cheek with his free hand. "You've waited for me for so long… anything you want, Remus."
Remus smiled, lying back and pulling Sirius on top of him, so their bodies were aligned. "Anything I want?" he asked, his voice hoarse.
"Anything," Sirius promised.
Remus's eyes met his. "You. Inside me," he said, and Sirius nearly lost it right there.
There was no need to ask if Remus was sure; he'd had months to change his mind. There was only need to pull of their remaining clothes, which Sirius did eagerly, Remus's hands tangling with his. They were laughing then, laughing as they were naked lying on the grass, and Remus's legs wrapped around Sirius's waist. It was then that Sirius felt a shaft of doubt.
"I've never done this," he confessed, his lips brushing over Remus's.
"I know," Remus whispered. "But it will be fine. Trust me."
Two little words that made Sirius close his eyes for a long time. "I do," he finally said.
Remus fumbled for his wand and muttered two spells, both of which Sirius was familiar with in theory but had never tested (well, on anyone else) in practice. And then Remus was rocking his hips up, urging Sirius forward gently, guiding the best he could. It was awkward and Sirius never understood how exactly Remus didn't sprain anything, but then he began to push into Remus and Remus's head tipped back in pleasure, and he didn't think about anything. He just watched, trying to keep it together and trembling with the sheer heaven of being together like this, Remus's body wrapped around his and his heat tight around him. He couldn't move, he could only stare down at Remus, trying desperately not to come right now and end the experience here.
"Move, Sirius," Remus whispered, thrusting his hips in a small motion.
He began to move, watching the play of tendons in Remus's neck and the expression on his face, feeling the way Remus clenched around him and his fingers clung to his forearms. Remus's hips were guiding him, showing him the way and urging him to move a little harder, a little faster, until Sirius had to close his eyes and do nothing but thrust because the world would end if he didn't and- oh- he needed this and needed it now and finally the dam broke, and he came, clinging to Remus who was still moving beneath him.
He lay still over Remus's body, gasping for breath and trying to reorient himself in a world where he couldn't tell which way was up. Finally, he opened his eyes to see Remus smiling at him.
"Was that good?" he asked.
"Very," Remus replied, a glint of mischief.
"Did you…?"
Remus shook his head, and if Sirius wasn't mistaken he was laughing. "Not yet, anyway," he said. "Roll off."
Sirius obeyed, embarrassed at first and forgetting it promptly when Remus took his hand and guided it to his cock, showing him exactly how to touch. The wanton look on his face and the parting of his lips sent a thrill through Sirius even as he stroked, and then Remus was shaking against him, gasping for air and clinging to Sirius's arms.
"Now you did," he couldn't resist teasing.
"Your powers of observation never cease to amaze me," Remus managed after a moment. He opened his eyes. "So."
"So," Sirius agreed, wiping his hand on the grass and then curling a tendril of Remus's hair around his finger.
"Are we…?"
"Yes, we are." Sirius flushed. "If you want to be."
Remus smiled. "I'm glad to be done waiting."
"Me too," Sirius said, the sunlight and Remus's smile lighting up his soul. "Me too."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 02:57 pm (UTC)A couple of small, nitpicky things though - I think when you write Messier, you mean Mr. Mssrs. is the plural of Mr.. And, you missed out a C in Conjunctivitus.
But apart from that, I loved this story! Great work : )
no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 03:11 pm (UTC)Yes. I have a Ph.D. Why do you ask? :) I think I'll be changing that now.
Thank you though- I'm glad you enjoyed it! I love complicated dynamics between the boys, and it always amazes me that not more people write Sirius as being hesitant to make some sort of commitment. He's got just as much baggage as Remus does!
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 03:01 pm (UTC)Oh, and the sex was okay, too, I guess. ;)
Great fic, I think it'll be added to my recs page! Thanks for sharing!
no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 03:12 pm (UTC)And thanks for the rec! :) Glad you enjoyed it!
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Date: 2005-09-10 04:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 04:10 pm (UTC)I always enjoy seeing Remus as the pursuer--I'm sure I've ranted before about the lack of this in fan-fic, and I really like how you did it without giving him any OOC pushiness. His determined patience was nicely IC and very believable.
I also really enjoyed the stuff about Sirius and Peter--it seemed so natural. Peter is seldom written well in fan-fic, largely, I think, because it is so difficult to write him as someone the Marauders would have been friends with without writing a character who bears no resemblance to Peter in canon. (Characterising Peter give me migraines, it really does.) But you pulled it off, so bravo to you.
There was one little typo--amusing though it was to think of James and Lily going for a 'boink,' I'm fairly certain they would rather bonk. *g*
Oh, yeah, quite liked the sex as well. Not that I'm very interested in that sort of thing. ;)
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Date: 2005-09-11 09:02 pm (UTC)The hesitant, self-doubting Sirius (at least under the cocky exterior) is my favorite characterization. I mean, the poor kid was essentially rejected by his family and ran away at 16. I think it bothered him far more than he ever let on, or he'd never be so bitter about it 20 years later. Plus, Sirius makes Mistakes in canon. Big Mistakes. And he's smart enough to know it!
My favorite scenario is actually the sort in AiL, where it's much more a mutual thing, and depending on the moment they switch off roles. But that's not all that common in fanfic either, unfortunately, and I can also see the Remus-the-pursurer- and you and
I'm glad you like my Peter :) I was a little frustrated that it was the same. freaking. characterization that I use in Accidentally In Love, but hey- I like that Peter, so.... Ah well. I'm very pleased with him, and it's actually really hurting to write him turning traitor.
Heh. I actually used boink intentionally, more for a private joke than anything else! I used "boink" from another character in a Pern fanfic, and the resultant little snippet just... it makes me grin :)
Thanks so much!
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From:bravo
Date: 2005-09-10 05:13 pm (UTC)This was... so sweet and lovely. I loved Peter in this... I never ever read Peter that I like and agree with and is soooo cannon... if that makes any sense.
This was really great, complicated and now I really want to know what happened sixth year... since Sirius was so bent on it. *G*
Just a typo or 2... if you don't mind and no one else has posted them...
Remus shrugged again. "Why not? Christian's a great bloke, he likes me, and we have a good a good time together. No one's getting hurt." one too many 'a good's.' :)
Hhe woke up later, his heart pounding and sweat sluicing down between shoulder blades, with Remus shaking him. One too many H's... :)
Re: bravo
Date: 2005-09-11 09:13 pm (UTC)And sixth year is when I assume Sirius ran away and sent Snape to the Whomping Willow, given that he was 16 when both events happened. So that should hopefully clear that up!
Thanks again!
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Date: 2005-09-10 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2005-09-10 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 05:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 06:14 pm (UTC)kxx
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Date: 2005-09-11 09:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 06:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 09:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 06:48 pm (UTC)(this is probably going to be a very long comment, just so you know)
So, where to begin! It was a real story with a plot and some turns and suspense and tension and release before the end! Which is a very welcome change after too many linear R/S as teenagers fics hovering around in LJ.
And you worked so much of canon in it, and so subtly! Not the obvious and unuseful new things such as Slughorn's name, but the way Remus should be the one to be bi (bebi, heh - sorry, too much work), and Sirius the one most probably gay. You can't know how I was waiting for this after HBP! All these fics around that just went on with poor gay Remus desperately pining on his hetero friend, argh. And the war, showing its ugly face in the corners of the fic, that makes this just post Hogwarts time so closer to what JKR wrote.
And Remus saying he'll always be there, I don't think I ever saw it said by Remus, though it's such a cliché the other way around. And you know? It broke my heart, realising that it won't be truer afterwards than it would have been if Sirius had said it.
Peter. The way you wrote him here made me feel like I could have been his friend - made me see the four of them as friends, and I'm wondering if it isn't the first time. He's human, this Peter, not brilliant, and once again it's so subtly implied with this job he takes, but he's not a complete idiot at school, clearly. And I found myself looking at the signs, at any small fracture that could have announced what would come, exactly like I imagine Remus (or maybe Sirius, though I'm wondering if he would have been willing to) would have looked back to understand. There was so few... Maybe this coldness around the blood of others, and this way to have a physical reaction, but not a moral one?
And this Sirius. I guess people are so used to the loud, sexually confident, extrovert Sirius of fanon that they forgot that this option was equally likely. Maybe more likely? A lot of things in Sirius' life suggest that there's a lot he had to overcome, and we definitely see him having moments of doubt and guilt. And anyway, I love him so much more like this!
And last - Remus' reason for bottoming is the best reason ever! And the most likely, too. Though I love to use it for Sirius myself :)
I loved this fic, really, really loved it. But more than this, I think it's the first R/S fic (the first fic?) I read since the HBP release that I will wish to reread, and that has substance.
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Date: 2005-09-11 09:24 pm (UTC)All these fics around that just went on with poor gay Remus desperately pining on his hetero friend, argh.
This really bothers me, to be honest- it seems like some form of homophobia, or at least of stereotyping. Sirius CAN'T be gay because he's too cool, and Remus- gentle, sweet, innocent Remus, must be the gay one. I didn't mind it as much pre-HBP, but yeah- now I do. (The funny thing is, Remus has always had some bi leanings in my head for AiL. It's just he gets into a relationship with Sirius so early, and is so cut off from most people that he doesn't quite realize it at that young an age.)
I don't think I ever saw it said by Remus, though it's such a cliché the other way around.
I'm glad someone picked up on that! It was exactly what I was going for, and when you think about what they've both been through, it makes sense. Sirius has known nothing but rejection and hate from his family, whereas Remus has known nothing but love that defies society. Which one WOULD be more patient?
Maybe this coldness around the blood of others, and this way to have a physical reaction, but not a moral one?
that one one of em :) The other one I put in this fic was it took Peter some time to help Sirius with the kelpie. He was flustered and scared more than anything- which I think is a lot of the reason he DID go over to Voldemort in canon. He WAS scared.
And last - Remus' reason for bottoming is the best reason ever! And the most likely, too. Though I love to use it for Sirius myself
For some reason I have my bottom!Remus kink, but usually as long as this is the reason, I'm totally happy with either of them :) (Because, y'know, in Moon and Fire Sirius was clearly not enjoying himself at all. ;) )
Thanks so much- I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)
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Date: 2005-09-10 06:52 pm (UTC)Thank you for a wonderful fic. I'm sorry for your writers block.
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Date: 2005-09-11 09:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 06:57 pm (UTC)^_^xx
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Date: 2005-09-11 09:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 07:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 09:27 pm (UTC)Thanks!
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Date: 2005-09-10 07:22 pm (UTC)A couple of typos here and there - an 'of' instead of 'off' and the like, but nothing jarring, in case you're anywhere near as anal as I am. *g*
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Date: 2005-09-11 09:28 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed it!
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Date: 2005-09-10 08:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 09:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 08:13 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2005-09-10 09:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 09:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 02:13 am (UTC)Nice break from the AIL-verse; I enjoyed seeing things light again for a little bit, and I liked the Remus who was more sure of himself than Sirius was. Good use of the artwork - and SO completely different from mine! :D It's always great to see the different ways people view things.
However, memo to Sirius, who blamed Peter for poking a stick into the pool - Sirius had first poked his HAND in there, so he can hardly fault Peter for actually taking the safer route. :-P
Anyway - highly enjoyable fic, as your work always is. Hope your writer's block eases soon!
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Date: 2005-09-11 02:27 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 02:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 09:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 03:33 am (UTC)I loved Sirius' and Peter's interaction at the lake--I liked how you show that Peter does come through in saving Sirius from the Kelpie, that alone I think shows why he was part of the Marauders.
I loved how you rationalized Sirius' hesitance about being with Remus--poor lad really was in a Catch-22 there, terrified of really hurting Remus again. And I liked how Sirius came to realize he needed and wanted Remus after everything.
And of course, there's nothing wrong at all with the gratuitous sex. ;-)
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Date: 2005-09-11 09:36 pm (UTC)Thanks so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I felt bad for Sirius, too, but it made sense to me that he would be so nervous over it. It must have been such a huge mistake to him- at least from the Remus perspective! (Snape, well... heh.)
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Date: 2005-09-11 06:27 am (UTC)I always love your Peters.
Wait, that sounds wrong. Heheheh.
Seriously, I love your characterizations. All of them. In almost everything you've posted. I especially love your Peter, as he almost always aligns with MY Peter. :)
My Peter was a fellow Marauder, friend, confidant, and trusted loved one. He's also the traitor, liar, thief, and murderer. But Marauder Peter was all of the former. I hate when people write him otherwise, because he's not.
Anywho, lovely work, dear. I did enjoy. Will add to list for Al to read! :) Smooches for you and Toby!
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Date: 2005-09-11 09:37 pm (UTC)Thanks so much, and glad you enjoyed it!! :)
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Date: 2005-09-11 06:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 09:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 05:00 pm (UTC)Though I did find one grammarical error I think. You should add "whether" right before "straight like James and Peter..."
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Date: 2005-09-11 09:39 pm (UTC)Thanks again!
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Date: 2005-09-11 05:46 pm (UTC)I like the fresh take on their relationship. Very enjoyable fic!
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Date: 2005-09-11 09:40 pm (UTC)Thanks again, and glad you enjoyed it!
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Date: 2005-09-11 06:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 09:40 pm (UTC)