lls_mutant

So, I'm here at my mom's, right? Before this goes any further, I'd like to state for the record that my mom and I really do have a good relationship. It's just I never TALK about the good things in an entry. I should. Heck, most of this week has been great. But I'm grumpy, and actually I'm mad at her husband and two little remarks she made, so I'm venting. It keeps ME sane while I'm here.

There have been no discussions about my weight. My mom might have actually gotten the message... mostly. Except that at one point, my sis (who is a size 10-12 and looks pretty damn good, I think) said 'oh, I forgot to have you bring cheesecake!' I live near a Cheesecake Factory restaurant, and after our rehearsal dinner, instead of having a bridesmaids' lunch my bridespeople (I had a male attendant) and I sat around and had cheesecake, instead. Everyone thought this was an excellent idea. So she says that and I say, 'oh, yeah! Too bad!' and my mom says "well, neither of you need it anyway." Grrr. NO ONE needs cheesecake. Check your dictionary, Mom. That's not the meaning of the word need. But we know what you're trying to really say.

And also, Mom? Don't think I haven't noticed you have NOTHING sweet in this house. My mom lost weight a decade ago. You know how my mom controls her weight? She sometimes skips meals, but she eats really boring food and no dessert. When I did Weight Watchers, I specifically sought out foods where I said 'I'd eat this even if I WASN'T on a diet.' It is possible, y'know. But I also had dessert after every. single. meal (well, except breakfast). It doesn't have to be big- a bite of chocolate, a diet ice cream sandwich... little things. There is NOTHING in this house- not even ice cream. Maybe it is because my mom isn't eating it these days, but I feel like she's trying to control what I eat. This, I realize, is me over-reacting and being over sensitive, which is why I don't mention it. But it would be nice to be able to eat my way and not have eyes watching me. (And EVERYTHING in this house is diet. Me, I'd rather put a small amount of real salad dressing (full fat) on my salad than drench it in fat free shite.) And it bugged me my mom didn't even want to get dessert for tonight. We're having people over. Personally, I think it's rude to host guests and not offer dessert. It doesn't have to be fancy- hell, Oreo cookies would be fine. But I think it's a much more gracious gesture to have dessert- especially when at least two o the guests are 6. But that's just me.

Yes, I'm being TOTALLY bitchy today.

The other thing with my Mom... WHY do people not understand this concept??? I want to work. I want to stay at home and raise my son. These two desires are, in my field, mainly mutually exclusive at this point in time. My husband and I have discussed it, I have done much soul searching, and I have made the conscious, cold-blooded decision to give up work as I know it and raise our son for a few years. That does not mean I do not want to work. That does not mean I will not miss work. That does not mean I don't have some regrets. It means I looked at the two conflicting desires and decided which one was more important to me. That does not regulate the other one to a position of non-importance.

I don't want sympathy for this decision. I don't want pity. What do I want? I want understanding. Not necessarily of my final decision, but of the fact it was not an easy one to make. I want my mother to understand that I am not just tossing my work and my degree aside without thinking about it, and I want her to stop making comments about how much good my Ph.D. does me now.

Mom? You did not pay for my Ph.D., except in that your taxes went towards the program that funded me. I worked through my Ph.D. alone. Sure, you supported me emotionally. But would you please continue to fully support me now? The simple fact is this: I cannot raise a child and do Ph.D. level work at this stage. My husband and I both feel strongly about not putting our baby in day care- and yes, that includes having his mother watch him- for 50 hours a week. There is no such thing as part-time research- at least, not where I work and not for 5 (more realistically, 7, since we want 2) years. Not only does my husband make considerably more than me, but he also has his Ph.D., so asking him to stay home is asking him to give up the same amount of time and dedication that it's asking me. I am at peace with his decision. He is at peace with this decision. So please stop making snarky comments about me hanging up the academic hood here.

Why, why, WHY is it so impossible for my family to understand I can want two things at once? And why is it impossible for them to understand that I know I can't have those conflicting things, and I can make a decision and live with it? That's what galls me most of all. They don't understand these two things: I can feel more than one emotion at a time, and I can cope with sadness, anger, and frustration and live my life just fine.

Which makes the next part all the more ironic.

I probably wouldn't be so annoyed at my mother if her husband hadn't gotten my back up. I don't even know what I DID. We're sitting outside, and Bill's grilling steak. Mom and Chris like theirs so raw it could walk off the plate, and I always request medium rare. Now, Mom and Chris are actually pretty picky. Me, as long as it's not dripping blood and not really well-done, I'll eat it and be pretty happy. I only say I like medium rare because, well, I do, but saying "I don't care" is really annoying to the chef. So something happens with the steaks- I can't even remember what- something about Mom and Chris's needing to cook a little bit longer at least, and I laugh and say something about how it's not a big deal (especially if mine gets a little more done than medium rare) and Bill explodes, accusing me of treating everything like one big joke and never taking anything seriously.

This is especially ironic since all my life my family has told me I'm too serious and I need to lighten up. In fact, this is exactly why Bill's outburst touched a nerve.

So I'm a serious person. Big. Fucking. Deal. I overreact sometimes, and I do try to curb that. But yes, I am serious and you know what? I LIKE IT THAT WAY. That's how I AM. But I've also seen a point (especially about the overreacting, because that IS annoying and it does me harm) and tried to lighten up on certain things. And it's happened. Sure, I get up in arms about some things, but the doneness of my steak? Not one of them. And I do try to be optimistic. In my experience these days, most things come out fine in the end- especially the little things. So my steak is a little more done than I like it? My life is not significantly altered in any way. So get off my fucking back about laughing over the condition of my steak.

And yes, I realize the irony in overreacting about Bill's overreacting.

Of course, Howard put it all into perspective when he told me that the Red Sox lost 14-2 and the Yankees also won their game. That explains a LOT about Bill's mood. But still.

Anyway, I feel much better for having vented, and now I'd better get my butt in gear because I have a list of several items that need to be done (and I'm so walking to Stewarts' to get something for dessert after I eat my lunch. HA!). If you've made it this far, thanks for listening, and if you didn't, believe me, I don't blame you :)

I've disabled comments because a.) I've been really, really slow at responding to comments and b.) I just needed to vent. There's nothing much that needs to be said to this!

And