Commentary on Mentors
Mar. 15th, 2005 06:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lls_mutantThe fic-commentary meme that's going around intrigued me, and I decided to play. The problem? I write chaptered fics. Eek.
I thought about doing a commentary on Accio Bananas, but to be honest, you don't want to hear a lot of my commentary. It will tell you more about me than I want you to know. So I did my only other one-shot, Mentors.
And it's long. Sheesh.
So, without further ado....
The office was as small and gray and bedraggled as Alphard Black had anticipated. The Werewolf Registry was far from the best-funded office in the Ministry. The chairs were ripped and stuffing peeked out, and the magazines on the table were even more outdated than in the average dentist's office. Alphard gave his name to the bored receptionist and then turned back to the waiting room.
Heh. I know the Werewolf Registry is part of Werewolf Support Services. However, I see the Support Services as being sort of lip service in the Wizarding World. They certainly aren’t helping Remus get a job or anything.
There was only one occupant: a man in his late thirties, flipping through a magazine without really looking at the pages. He had tawny hair pulled neatly back into a tail, wire-rim glasses over amber eyes, and a cold, empty expression that Alphard knew well.
"Well, well, well. If it isn't Damien Lupin."
If you haven’t figured it out yet, Damien Lupin is intended to be the lion-man that we got a glimpse of when JKR opened her study door. Now that I see the cover of Half-Blood Prince, I do concede that the lion-man may be Godric Gryffindor, but I still like the idea that it’s Mr. Lupin Sr. (This is also why Remus has the infamous amber eyes in my universe- he gets them from his father.) How did Damien get the limp the lion-man has (because he doesn’t have it here)? Let’s just say I know.
The man's head shot up. "Alphard Black," he smirked back. "How are you?"
"I'd recognize you anywhere. You were the most meddlesome Auror I've ever come up against."
"And you're still one of the slipperiest Dark Wizards to get by us."
"Although I hear you're not with 'us' anymore. May I presume that this is why?"
"No."
"You're in the Werewolf Registry Office."
"I'm waiting for someone."
Alphard laughed. "That has to be the most ridiculous piece of claptrap I've ever heard. Waiting for someone. We're all here for the same reason, Damien."
"Your first time, isn't it?"
Alphard blinked. "How do you know?"
"They always either put on a front or cower in a corner. One or the other."
Damien really is Mr. Sensitivity, isn’t he? Although I’ve written him a little inconsistently (particularly Chapter 2 of Deny Thy Father), Damien Lupin is my favorite OC of mine, with Alex Sommers right behind him.
"Which did you do?"
"Neither. I'm not a werewolf."
"Talk about denial."
"I'm-"
"Dad?"
Both men spun at the voice, and Alphard Black's mouth dropped open.
Standing beside what was obviously the Registry Official was a young boy. He couldn't have been any older than nine or ten- the same age as Alphard's nephew Sirius. He had sandy hair and pale skin and serious amber eyes- in many ways the spitting image of the ex-Auror glowering at Alphard. But the eyes were old, far too old for the child that stood there.
"I'm done," the boy said.
Damien looked at the official, who shrugged. "Same as always, Lupin," he said. "Kid's fine. Just keep him contained."
"We always do," Damien growled.
The boy looked at Alphard, shying closer to his father. Alphard extended his hand. "Hi. I'm... I'm Alphard Black."
With a tight, reluctant nod from Damien the boy took it. "I'm Remus," he said quietly. "Are you new?"
It was at that point that it finally hit Alphard. Damien wasn't the werewolf- his son was. His eyes met Damien's, and in those seconds his old animosity melted away. What a thing to have to deal with.
"Yes, Remus, I am new. This is my first time here."
I must confess to being very, very proud of this part, starting from where Remus comes in and where realization dawns for Alphard. This is probably one of the best scenes I’ve written.
*
First time melted into second, then to third and then to innumerable. As the months passed what seemed impossible became livable, if barely. It was still a terrible secret to be hidden, from his own mind if possible, but it was a fact he couldn't escape.
No one could escape it. There was no cure, no way out. Once you were bitten, that was it. Alphard wondered- often- if it would have been better for the wolf just to kill him outright. It seemed much easier, and yet each day he went on. And every two months he appeared in the dingy little office, to be reminded of rules and regulations, read new laws, and subjected to a quick and perfunctory physical by badly trained mediwizards who were just grateful for the job.
And yet, as the months turned into years, nothing was easier.
**********
Dear Remus-
I've written you a letter the day after the full moon for the past two years, but I've never had the nerve to send it. Funny, isn't it? An old man like me afraid to send a letter to a thirteen year old boy like you. It's preposterous. I don't even know if I'll send this one. Your father would disapprove, I'm sure, and question the propriety of me writing to a young boy. He wouldn't be the only one. I question it myself, but I have to know.
And already we have indication of Alphard’s sexuality, although Remus doesn’t remotely pick up on it. I imagine Remus as being pretty confused when he gets this letter out of the blue.
How do you do it, Remus? That's what I ask you in every single letter. Every time I see you in the Werewolf Registry Office you have your head high and you look people in the eyes. Not the Officials, but the rest of us. You go on, you live, you smile. I can't do it, and I should be far better equipped for it than you are.
Answer me that one question, and perhaps I can sleep at night.
Alphard Black
*
Mr. Black-
I don't mind you writing to me, although you're right about my father, I suppose. I'm not quite sure how to answer your question though, because I never knew I did it. I hate going to the Office, because the Registry Officials never look at me, or if they do it's only like I'm a bug or worse. But maybe I'm just used to it now, because I've been a werewolf for nine years and I don't remember the four before it. I don't really know. It's a good question though.
And I can't sleep at night either.
Remus Lupin
I know the nightmares thing is a cliché, but I think there’s some truth in it. But I also think Remus’s mind just goes 100 miles a minute naturally, and sleep is hard for him sometimes. Especially when you have someone prying into your mind like that.
I tried to keep Remus’s style of writing very simple here, because he’s only supposed to be 13. That’s part of why so many of his letters are short, too. Okay, so part of it is because long letters make for a more boring correspondence fic, but also because these are guys, and they don’t like writing letters. They just do it because they have no other real way to communicate.
*
Dear Remus,
Nine years. I guess that explains it to an extent. I've only been a werewolf for three.
Does the word ever bother you? Werewolf, I mean. It's a word I can't get out of my head and I hate it. I hate everything it implies and the way people treat me because of it. I'm only grateful that most people don't know. No one in my family knows. I would be cast out if they did. Your family accepts it so thoroughly. I'm jealous of that.
Alphard
At this point in the story, Remus is most definitely Alphard’s mentor, although he doesn’t always know it. Alphard (as we see later) admires Remus greatly, but he can not live up to the standards that Remus sets for himself. Alphard is old, and it’s hard for him to adapt to this new life. Remus, on the other hand, has never really known anything else. That’s why some of these questions don’t seem to make a lot of sense to Remus. He cant’ really remember not being a werewolf.
*
Mr. Black-
You should tell Sirius. He knows about me, and he's been great. I'll bet he wouldn't turn his back on you. Maybe the rest of your family would be good, too? Although I guess from what Sirius tells me, maybe not.
Like here. This is the best advice 13-year-old Remus can offer. Big help, huh? ;)
My family doesn't accept it. You think they do, but they don't. Time stopped for my father when I was four, and he treats me that way a lot of the time. My mother still cries, I think. I feel funny telling you that, because you see her and she always tries to pretend she's adjusted. But she runs away to the University every morning, and she's happy in her Muggle world. I think there she can pretend there's nothing wrong with me. I think she's gotten better since I've come to school, but I don't know.
I originally wanted to show more of a relationship between Alphard and Marilyn, and how much he really respects her. It’s hinted at in Deny Thy Father that Marilyn is sort of what started changing Alphard’s mind on Muggles. He really admires her for being able to cope with this (although Marilyn is a master actress and doesn’t cope as well as she acts like she does, as Remus indicates here). He doesn’t approve of Damien marrying her (although I don’t think Damien is a pureblood), but that’s more because old habits die hard. Alphard’s old enough that I thought it would be very hard for him to completely change the views he’s held all his life.
We don't talk about it. We pretend it doesn't exist. But I feel shabby complaining about it, because I know they love me and that's why they have to pretend.
I think that's part of why I love James and Sirius and Peter. They know, and they don't try to ignore it or to forget. Pete tries to say I'm still normal, but Sirius and James don't. They just accept it.
By the way, you didn't happen to take Ancient Runes in school, did you? I'm having trouble with this translation.
Remus
*
Remus-
You mistranslated the third word. It should be frog, not chicken. The runes are very similar. Pull out East Asian Runes and Characters if you want more about it. And feel free to ask me any time, especially on the Oriental runes- I travel to Asia quite a bit for my work. I'm actually headed to Datong in two days. I need to go to the Yanguan Caves and the Hanging Monastery. I'll be gone for a month, but an owl will find me. And I'll write and let you know how it goes.
If you read my “ten things I’ve done that you haven’t” meme, you know that I’ve eaten frog. It was because I mistranslated the characters when I ordered. (My spoken Chinese has never been good, so I did a lot of “point and mumble” when I ordered food in China.) I’ve also been to Datong, which is a mining town in China, the Yanguan Caves and the Hanging Monastery. They’re really, really cool.
Every letter we've written has been about lycanthropy, but I admit I look forward to receiving your letters. Although I love him, Sirius is a pretty poor correspondent, and to be honest, I miss Hogwarts. I miss Gryffindor Tower and classes and everything. To be absolutely truthful, I miss being young.
Anyway, that was rather repulsive, so I'll close and send this before I tear it up and forget to write another one.
Because men and expressing emotions just don’t go together ;)
Alphard
*
Mr. Black-
Thanks a lot for the help. The sentence makes a lot more sense now. What do you do, anyway? I asked Dad, but he just sort of muttered something at me.
I know this is probably rude to mention, but Dad seems to think you're a Dark Wizard or something. I guess it makes sense- Sirius told us his parents are Dark Wizards. It really bothers him, to be honest, although he doesn't talk about it much. James can't stand it. His grandparents were killed by Dark Wizards. He never told Sirius, but he told me the night Sirius told us about his parents. I don't think he wanted to talk to Sirius for a few days after that, but the two of them won't stay apart from each other for long, ever. And besides, it's not Sirius's fault. Fortunately, I think Sirius was so wrapped up in thinking about it that he didn't notice how angry James got.
You know, it can be really hard to kill of Harry’s entire family without an excess of angst. You have to get rid of SO many people. So James barely knew his grandparents. It seemed easier. Why Dark Wizards killed them, I’m not sure. I have no idea of what they did or what sort of power struggle was going on or if they were unwilling sacrifices in some sort of bizarre ritual. Neither does James ;). But you need to get rid of Harry’s entire family except Petunia, so we’re down one set of grandparents. (Bear in mind that witches and wizards- which I assume James’s grandparents to be- have exceptionally long lifespans, so these people could have been capable of taking Harry if they were still alive.
Is it true that they eat dogs and snakes in China? Mum's very fond of Chinese takeaway, and Dad teases her and says her chicken stuff is cat on a stick, but I think he's joking. (Most days. Although there is this one takeaway that I'm not so sure.)
Heh. The cat on a stick joke comes from one of my sister’s ex-boyfriends.
Remus
*
Dear Remus-
The easy questions first, I guess. They do eat dog and snake in China. Snake's not bad, but dog is a bit tough for my liking. Flavorful, but I'd rather have a good beef lo mein. I put a few tourist cards in the envelope. It's a pretty interesting area, especially the caves. The amount of carving is simply amazing.
Yup. Eaten dog, too. No snake though.
The carving in the Yuanguan caves is amazing. These caves are COVERED with miniature Buddhas. It’s really need to see, and to see how well all this carving has lasted over the centuries. The Hanging Monastery is cool, too, because it’s this tiny monastery cut into the side of a cliff, and it housed three religions simultaneously.
As for what I do, I'm a curse breaker for Gringotts. Basically, my job is to go into these old places and bring back treasure. It's actually pretty interesting, and since I travel so much it's pretty easy to keep the lycanthropy hidden. I keep my own hours, and no one cares what they are as long as I bring back plenty of gold. And heck, my employers are goblins. I don't think they even look much at me most times.
Goblins don’t seem to care about much at all, according to Bill Weasley’s talk of them. If you’re a wizard, they don’t have the slightest interest in you.
Now the hard part. There is a difference between a wizard that uses Dark Arts and a Dark Wizard. Dark Arts are powerful things, and many, many wizards use them. A Dark Wizard gets into philosophical connotations.
Many wizards see the Dark Arts as tools. Some choose to use them, some choose not to. That's how I feel about them. They're tools. Perhaps not the most pleasant of tools, but they get the job done.
Your father would know. A few years back, well, many years back, I was a little careless with the Dark Arts. Your father was one of the Aurors on the case. They never proved anything- and to be honest there wasn't much to prove- but your father knew I had been using Dark Arts, and not in the most innocent of ways.
I don't use them anymore, and I'm not just saying that. It's not even just the bite. It was Sirius, of all things. He was the first great-nephew, and he was just getting interesting around the same time as I had my run-in with your father. If I was locked up in Azkaban, I wouldn't get to be a part of his life at all. Totally sappy, but I never had kids, and I think I might have liked to.
I really wish I’d been able to go into more detail about Alphard’s past. But for one, I wasn’t quite sure WHAT he did with them, and for two, he needs to be a sympathetic character. Maybe one day I’ll write Alphard’s story back then. That’s one I KNOW we’re never going to hear, as I suspect Uncle Alphard is a convenient way for Sirius to have financial independence at age 17. But I’d like to know more about “Dark Arts” first.
Anyway, that should explain a few things for you.
Alphard
*
Mr. Black-
Okay then. A little uncomfortable, but then we're both Dark Creatures, so I guess Dark Arts in the past shouldn't matter much, should it?
Sorry. I've started this letter about nine times and I don't know how to write it.
I think I'll just keep thinking of you as the only nice person at the Werewolf Registry, and Sirius's uncle. It's easier that way, if you don't mind.
You know what? Screw the whole Dark Arts thing, and forget I ever asked about it. Or ever said anything about it. Let's just forget it all together.
Anyway. China. Tell me more about China. And when I write back next time, I'll tell you about our Transfiguration lessons with Professor McGonagall. Deal? Deal.
Remus
*
Alphard sat still with the letter in his hand, uncertain as to what to do. The boy was unnerved, and with Damien Lupin for a father, Alphard knew he shouldn't be surprised.
But he wanted to keep writing. Why?
He knew the answer even before he set pen to paper. Remus was lonely, despite three very good friends at Hogwarts. Lonely for a like mind, someone who understood intimately. And Alphard was lonely, too.
And so, even knowing that it wasn't smoothed over, he pulled a parchment to him and began to write. "Dear Remus... China it is."
Ergh. Not one of my favorite interspersions of text. Can we say “forced and patched”?
**********
The dark brown owl arrived at dinner, bearing a parchment with Remus's name. His parents looked surprised.
"That's not the Pettigrew's owl, or the Potter's. And it's not the one Sirius uses," Damien said.
"Maybe Sirius had to use a different one?" Remus suggested, taking the letter. "His family has a few. May I please be excused?" Although he knew his father wasn't convinced, he was allowed to leave.
Not fond of this section, either. It just feels so… expository. “This happened, then this happened.” I hate it when I get into that list style.
Remus retreated to his room, closing the door behind him and sitting on the bed covered with a simple blue spread. He'd been waiting for this letter, waiting to see if Alphard had fulfilled the promise he'd made before Christmas. And as he opened the letter and read it, he began to smile.
Dear Remus,
Well, finally after two months, I took your advice. I told Sirius tonight.
You were right about him. He accepted it very well. James was there too, and he didn't even understand that my family wouldn't be like yours. I don't think James has ever known what it is to not be accepted.
I never married, you know, and never had children. Sirius sometimes makes me wish I did. Of course, Arden then tells me of all the trouble you boys get into, and the numbers of owls he's had from Hogwarts saying you're all in detention again for a hex in the hallways or a dungbomb-firework crossover that's gone off in the hallways. It's easier to just be the uncle who can laugh at the stories instead of the father than has to be mad.
But with my luck, my kid would have been like Regulus.
Merry Christmas,
Alphard
There are a few things I like about this letter and the one that follows. One is that it acknowledges that the marauders were nasty to PEOPLE. That’s something that didn’t come through in Deny Thy Father for a reason. In Deny Thy Father, I was writing exclusively from Sirius’s point of view. I have this theory that Sirius never realized how cruel he was being to people, because he never thought about it. It simply didn’t matter enough to him- the people weren’t important. And that’s far crueler than if it had been a personal jab at Snape or something.
The other thing I like is the potshot at Regulus. Just cause.
*
Mr. Black,
I don't usually hex people. That's Sirius and James. The dungbomb firework, however, was all my idea. But it's not my fault I didn't get caught. Just Sirius and James again. I'm really glad you told Sirius, though. Want to bet I get an owl from him in the next day or two?
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s Remus without a sense of mischief and humor. (Well, actually, there’s a lot of things.) But I love Remus quickly defining that although he usually doesn’t single out people, he’s still one of the marauders.
My father actually decided it was time for The Talk over vacation. I can't believe he admits I'm old enough to hear it; never mind that I've heard a lot of it already. That's the thing about reading books that are way too advanced for you; you learn a lot about sex.
But for all that I've read about and Dad talked about it, I don't think I'll ever have it. How can I do it when I know I'm a werewolf?
Is it lonely, never having married? I do know I will never get married. I can't do that to someone- tie them to my life like that. Is it really hard?
Happy New Year,
Remus
I do firmly believe that Remus never married, because I’d think his wife would wonder about where he was in OotP. I think this might be part of the reason, too. I don’t like “woe is me, no one will ever love me” Remus (unless he’s being a hormonal teenager), but I do like “I don’t want to put someone else through this prejudice” Remus. He DOES have an over-exaggerated sense of personal responsibility. (At times. When it suits him.)
*
Dear Remus,
You're thirteen, sex and love will find its place in your life one day, I'm sure. It all seems strange and repulsive at one time (especially right after talking to your parents about it), but eventually it won't.
Because there’s two kinds of people that never have sex: your parents and your children. Heh.
I never married, but I haven't been alone for my whole life, either. I've had lovers, one of whom lasted fourteen years. In my family, only Andromeda knows about that, and that's only because she arrived unexpectedly. She thought it was funny, but she never told. It's over now- it was well before the bite. He left because I wouldn't tell anyone, and it got to be too much, I suppose. There have been others, but I miss him the most.
I know it's hard, but don't be so quick to shut yourself off. It is lonely sometimes, and I regret letting him get away.
Glad to know you all made it back to school safely, and keep an eye on Sirius, will you? I'm very worried.
You know, you can call me
Alphard
*
Remus put the letter down with a heavy sigh. He wondered how Alphard felt about Andromeda now. He'd heard about her marriage and Arden's reaction from James: Sirius had little to nothing to say on the subject. He checked the date again. Alphard had written this two days after Andromeda's announcement. Looked like he'd keep speaking to her after all.
He wondered if he should write about Sirius and what Mr. Black had done, but Alphard had been there. He knew. And Remus was pretty sure Sirius wouldn't appreciate them discussing it behind his back. Yes, what he and Mr. Black- Alphard, because Remus didn't think he could think of Alphard and Sirius's father by the same name- had was outside of his friendship with Sirius.
What’s interesting to me here is that now Remus HAS to know Alphard’s gay. And he doesn’t react. I tend to think he’s in a bit of denial here. Not about his own life (I don’t think he’s in denial as much as he just hasn’t reached the conclusion), but about Alphard’s. He knows it, but he doesn’t want to think about it. Which makes sense. Would YOU want to think about your 60-something mentor having sex? Eww, no. Definitely not. (And yes, there’s more to homosexuality than just sex. But that’s what a 14-year old kid is going to think about first.)
*
Dear Alphard,
Of course I'll keep an eye on Sirius. He's not talking about it much, just for the record, but James is pretty upset. Which is good. Thought you might like to know that James told Sirius he can come to his house any time at all. Dad was livid when he saw Sirius too, and I don't think he'd ever turn him away if he came to our house, even if he doesn't really like him. I really wish he did.
I like the version of events where Remus acknowledges James and Sirius’s very close friendship, but isn’t all that jealous of it. In my mind, girls have more of a social hierarchy than boys do. Remus knows he’s important to both of them, and vice versa, and that’s enough. The fact that James and Sirius were “bestest friends” just never seems to bug him in canon. Really wish we had more information about Remus and Peter!
Hey, guess what? Professor McGonagall remembers you. She heard us talking about the holiday and James and Sirius were talking about you being a Gryffindor, and her face just lit up and she turned red! What did you guys do when you were kids? Were you and she an item? I know you said she'd never date you, but did you go after her or something? It was really funny, especially when Peter noticed and started asking her all these questions. He knows exactly what questions to ask, too. He started just asking her about did you have classes together and stuff, and then if she ever thought you were annoying (she told us about the snowballs), and then asked her if running through the common room in her night gown was her way of getting your attention! She went so red- it was hysterical! Not so hysterical though when she gave all four of us an extra essay. The woman has no sense of humor, some days.
Look! Peter mention! It was hard to get him and James into this fic and not make it sound forced. I wanted it to be obvious they were a huge presence in Remus’s life, because I don’t like the fics where it’s Sirius and Remus and the rest of the marauders. But because of the relationships discussed, Sirius was easier to bring in to this one. But even Sirius isn’t in this much, so….
I suppose I'd better go start on her essay. Full moon in a few days, and by tomorrow I'll be feeling too shitty to get much done.
Remus
**********
Dear Remus-
I can't believe the four of you managed to swipe Minerva McGonagall's bra. How four fourth years did it is beyond me, but I thank you very, very much. I'm supposed to meet her in Hogsmeade for a Christmas drink tomorrow. The look on her face when I hand it to her will be priceless.
I really want to do something similar to old McKinnon in the Office, just to make him smile. I don't know if you heard, but his wife died two months ago from cancer. Terribly sad for the old bloke; they'd been married for fifty seven years.
I have to admit, I'm afraid he's going to retire soon. I wonder who they'll give us when he does? The thought scares me. For all that the Werewolf Registry Office is intended as support, the people working there have as much sensitivity as an icicle. Bad simile, I know, but with the moon in a few days that's as creative as I get.
I love being able to use Alphard’s exhaustion as an excuse for my own lack of creativity here.
How did your Defense exam go, by the way?
Alphard
*
Dear Alphard-
Defense exam went well; he graded me an O. James and Sirius also pulled O's, and Peter got an E. Don't you dare tell Professor McGonagall we're the ones who took her bra- she still hasn't graded my Transfiguration essay and I spent a lot of time on it. By the way, I meant to tell you that she has picture of Jagged Edge- that lead singer for the Broken Sneakoscopes in her office. And it's autographed. To Minnie. But you didn't hear that from me.
I admit, the Minnie thing was inspired by Naked Quidditch, and Jagged Edge by Slash (well, the name Slash. Hehe. There should be some sort of joke there about homosexual fiction and Guns and Roses, but I’m too lazy to think of it.) I picture the Broken Sneakoscopes to be much harder than the Weird Sisters in terms of music, something like Guns and Roses, actually. Or Rolling Stones. A Dinosaur band that still tours.
I didn't know about McKinnon's wife. Dad probably did- he talks to McKinnon all the time. I guess McKinnon used to be an Auror and then transferred to the Registry after he got his hip broken? Dad wouldn't have told me though- he rarely tells me anything bad or sad. Remember what I said about the over-protective bit.
Oh yeah, I've been meaning to tell you that I did tell him James, Peter, and Sirius know. He completely went off the deep end at first, especially over Sirius. He doesn't like him, I think. Well, mostly. He does, he just won't admit it because Sirius is a Black. I know you and he are civil, but I don't think it's any shock to you that he doesn't really like your family. The Auror thing, I guess.
Definitely tell me about McGonagall's reaction, and preferably in a letter I can show the others. Sirius doesn't know we write. I don't know why I don't tell him, but I kind of like it this way.
Remus
In case you’re wondering, Remus still hasn’t told Sirius that he writes to Alphard as of part V of Accidentally In Love. (I think.) He never told Sirius how Alphard died though. More on that later.
*
Sirius, Peter, James, and Remus-
I really liked this letter. It was a lot of fun to write. McG can be SO much fun- I really do wonder what she was like when she was younger, because that woman KICKS ASS!
Boys, boys, boys, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Imagine the scene. It's the Three Broomsticks, decorated for Christmas. There's a tree in the corner, fairy lights draped around, and outside carolers are singing. It's warm, which is good because I've been in Siberia for the past week and I still haven't unthawed.
The door opens, and in walks Minerva McGonagall. I remember Minerva as a pretty girl with long black hair and a sly smile. She used to have quite the figure, let me tell you- almost every boy in our dorm drooled over her constantly, especially when she wore those red robes. Now she's much more uptight, her hair in a bun and those stupid glasses that make her look years older than she is, and gray in her hair which I suspect you four put there. But still, she's lovely.
The back history: they were friends. McG had a crush on Alphard when she was 15, but it was not reciprocated. However, he knew and was very flattered- and grateful. Eventually, Minerva was the first one Alphard told he was gay. She’s one of the few he ever volunteered the information to. I think McG would take it relatively well because she’s so fair.
We've been writing, but I haven't seen Minerva in years. We used to get on quite well, except when I stole her bra the first time and she pretty much buried me in the snow. But her eyes brightened when I stood up, and she made her way over to me eagerly. If Minerva McGonagall was someone I could love, I would have been smitten right there.
And then... with the carols in the background and colored lights and the smell of butterbeer... the perfect reunion for two old school friends... I tossed her bra at her as she made her way to the table.
Heh. Her screech attracted the attention of every patron in the bar.
He’s lucky she DID like him at one time, or she would have hexed him.
"You... you..." That was all she could say. Gentlemen, between the five of us we reduced the articulate, intelligent Minerva McGonagall to stuttering one word incoherently. Be proud of yourselves, because few grown wizards have ever accomplished that feat.
"I thought you might need it," I told her, "when the Broken Sneakoscopes come to town. You can throw it at Jagged Edge. I've got tickets, Minnie."
She gaped at me again, and her face flushed the most delightful shade of red. Then she smacked me. Not hard, but like she would have as a school girl. I didn't mind- I was doubled over laughing.
"You haven't changed a bit, Alphard Black!" she shouted at me.
Nope. Not a bit.
So, thanks to you boys, I'm headed to the Broken Sneakoscopes concert on Friday night with the most eligible girl of my year. A few decades late, but such is the way of it. Heh. A rock concert. Us. At our age.
Andromeda will just be furious that I got tickets and she can't go.
This is just one of those mental images that I love.
Anyway, please accept my payment in the form of the attached sweets. I suspect they may be gone already, but again, such is life. And thanks again!
Uncle Alphard
*
Remus-
I haven't changed a bit, have I? Thanks again. Those are words I could never hope to hear, and the very words I was desperate for.
Alphard
*
Alphard-
I think this is my favorite letter from Remus in the entire fic. He sounds so teenager-ish here, and I love sarcastic, having-a-sense-of-humor Remus.
You owe us big time. Big Time. McGonagall can't prove it was us, but she's pretty sure. And guess who she's blaming? Me. Yes, that's right. Me.
I gave her my best innocent look (which is more confused, because angelic innocence is a sure sign of guilt) and demanded to know why she thought I could ever be involved in such a caper. "One," she told me, "you used the word caper. Choose your words better next time, Mr. Lupin. No innocent would use the word caper. And two, while I know Mr. Black and Mr. Potter did the dirty work, neither of them would have noticed the picture. You, on the other hand, would."
Although I love this letter, I’ve never been happy with that paragraph.
Oops.
So, I have detention. It's my second ever. And guess what the wench is making me do? Wash her pantyhose. "Since you can't seem to keep your hands off my underwear, Mr. Lupin...." Ugh. There has GOT to be some sort of rule against this!
James and Sirius are stuck cleaning the trophy cases, and Peter has to help Ogg and Hagrid with something. Wankers. Wankers all of them. THEY'RE not cleaning pantyhose.
You so owe me.
Remus
*
Dear Remus-
Oops. Sorry about the pantyhose, but it WAS worth it. And yes, I owe you, and I'll pay up some day. I promise.
We did go to the concert. Front row, and I know I'm getting old because I complained the music was too loud. But if you could have seen Minerva dancing... I wish I'd taken a camera, because that picture would have been worth all your trouble. And she did throw her undergarments at the lead singer. For the record, he is quite fit and I can understand her attraction.
Heck with giving it to Remus- I want the picture! But given McG’s behavior in… is it PS/SS when she gets drunk? I can see this happening.
We went to a bar afterwards, and got spectacularly drunk. And I told her. Pick yourself up off the floor, because I know you're shocked. I told her I'd been bitten four years ago, and she laughed. Can you believe it? She laughed. "So that's why you recruited Remus Lupin in your little panty raid," she said. I knew she had to be drunk to mention your name.
I admitted I write to you, and she turned sober for a few minutes. She worries about you, I think. I've never asked her if she's had children- it's a strange thing to ask, I know. The truth is, neither of us want to know about the other's lives now. When we're together it's as if we're in our teens again, and whatever's happened in her life that she's trying to forget and whatever's happened in mine never happened. But I do know this about her life now: Minerva McGonagall genuinely cares for you.
Heh. She’s wondering about his motives. Something that always bugs me- but I made Minerva do it because I think so many people do do it- is the assumption that gay men MUST be pedophiles. I’m attracted to men, and the thought of hooking up with any of the kids in my youth group simply nauseates me. I think (and more on this) that Alphard is somewhat attracted to Remus- or concedes that Remus IS attractive- especially when Remus is 16/17. But he would NEVER act on it. And when he first meets Remus, the draw is entirely based on lycanthropy- not on the fact that Remus is a nice-looking boy.
See you tomorrow at the Registry.
Alphard
*
Dear Alphard-
What happened yesterday? You were as pale as a ghost when you left, and you didn't say a word. Is it the new man that took McKinnon's place?
Diggory wasn't bad, although he said another man is coming in this summer. He wasn't nice, not like McKinnon. McKinnon always treated me like my teachers do, and even as he asked me questions and read off the restrictions his voice was kind. Diggory was much more formal. But I'm scared of this new man coming in as well.
So what happened?
Remus
One of the reasons I put this section in was to bring Remus back to being a friend to Alphard. I remember something my youth pastor said once about the kids. She told them she was their friend, but they weren’t necessarily hers. And I could see what she meant. A friendship is reciprocal. Now, in the case of my youth pastor, it SHOULD be the way she described it, because you’re supposed to be there to support the kids. But in this case, I wanted Remus to be a friend and a mentor to Alphard just as much as Alphard was a friend and mentor to Remus. Over the past few pages we’ve been seeing a shift in that original dynamic, which given their ages is natural. Now I’m trying to bring them back across that generation gap that’s been developing.
*
Dear Remus-
Sorry it's been so long since I've sent you a letter. I've written every day for the past two weeks and torn every letter up, because this is harder than I thought it would be.
I think you know I'm gay. You're a bright boy, and I haven't been that subtle about it. That said, I know I told you that I had a lover for fourteen years, and it ended because I was ashamed. I think that's what I told you.
I loved him, but I never said the words. It bothered him, and I suppose that's fair. It ended badly, which I guess is the only way a relationship of fourteen years can end when it's kept secret and not really acknowledged and all that. It ended ten years ago.
Problem is, ten years isn't enough to erase some wounds.
It seems completely cruel- to both him and me- that Andrew Diggory is now working in the Werewolf Registry Office.
Andrew Diggory is Amos Diggory’s brother. And for other references, Tom Weasley in Deny Thy Father is Arthur Weasley’s cousin, and Tina Lovegood in DTF and Accidentally In Love is Luna Lovegood’s aunt. Sirius did mention that the pureblood families were pretty inbred!
The meeting wasn't good. He hadn't had time to look over all of the files, and apparently he'd spent a lot of time on yours because of your unique situation. So he didn't know to even expect me. And he was appointed so quickly, I didn't know to expect him. So the first time we'd seen each other face to face in nine years was when I opened the door and walked in.
His face went white, and I stopped dead. I thought that everything I'd ever felt for him was over, but it's not. But when he saw me in his office, anything he might have felt died right there on the altar of his desk. His eyes went completely cold and when he spoke to me his voice was flat. You'd have thought we'd never known each other.
Meeting up with exes really sucks, doesn’t it?
I wanted him to scream and yell at me and tell me I'd been an idiot, or to berate me and demand to know what I'd done to get myself bitten. But he didn't even give me that courtesy, although I heard his voice break.
It was a short interview. Was yours long? I'm not sure which I'm hoping to hear.
Sorry to be so incoherent,
Alphard
*
Dear Alphard,
Oh wow. I don't think I would have come up with that in a million years. I'm not quite sure what to say. I'm really sorry. I know going to the Registry Office is hard for you anyway, and with this.... I really wish I could say something profound and useful.
My interview was pretty long, actually. I got the impression Diggory had never really met a werewolf, especially when he said I wasn't what he was expecting. I asked him what he was expecting, and he said he didn't really know. But I guess not a quiet kid with good grades and only two detentions in his life.
It was kind of embarrassing, actually. He kept asking me all kinds of questions. Some of them I didn't mind, like how my teachers treat me and where I go for transformations. But he started asking me if I have friends, and if I need help in my studies, and if I have girlfriends and if that's difficult, and all sorts of personal stuff. It was weird, like he was curious, but too curious. Invasive, almost. I didn't want to answer some of them, because it didn't seem right, but some of the questions made me laugh- especially when he asked if I like my meat cooked. No. I prefer it raw and dripping with blood. (Actually, Peter says I do. But just because he likes his charred doesn't mean all of us do.)
This didn’t come out quite right, and what I wanted to convey is coming across much better in the character of Caradoc Dearborn. Andrew was supposed to be someone who tried to treat werewolves like he treated anyone else and overcompensated. He asks all sorts of personal questions because he’s curious, but Remus can tell just how many of them are based in superstition or fear or wrong information. On the one hand, Remus is glad he’s interested and at least trying, and on the other it’s annoying, because it’s not actually being treated normally.
I miss McKinnon, but Diggory isn't a bad replacement. He's completely and utterly clueless, but he's at least willing to listen and try to help. Ugh. I don't want- never mind.
Hey, are you even in the area? If you are, we could go over to the Three Broomsticks tonight. I can sneak out no problem, and, well, and. Let me know.
Because Remus IS a true marauder. And yes, he stole James’s invisibility cloak. And no, he didn’t ask.
Remus
*
R-
See you there at 9:00.
-A
*
Remus breathed a small sigh of relief that James and Sirius were not lurking in the Three Broomsticks. It had been easy enough to ditch them- the whole "I'm going to the library" thing was more than plausible. And even though their antics might very well cheer Alphard up, a second sense told Remus this wasn't what was needed.
Alphard was sitting in a corner table, waiting for him. Remus was surprised that he hadn't ordered any whiskey, but was not at all surprised at the strained, exhausted look on his face. Wishing he knew better what to say, he slipped into the booth across from Alphard.
"Hey."
Alphard smiled. "Hey."
”Hey” probably isn’t all that British. ::Sigh:: Sadly, that’s one of areas I feel my writing is lacking: 1970’s British slang.
"How are you?"
Alphard shrugged. "As good as can be expected, I suppose."
Remus sat in silence, helpless.
Alphard raised an eyebrow at him. "What?"
"I should be able to say something. That's why we're here, isn't it?"
Alphard snorted. "Remus, stop torturing yourself. Let me give you the answer in advance. There's nothing you can say to make it go away, or make everything better. We're here because we're friends, and that's what friends do when one of them is having trouble. They're there. You're here, and that means enough. Now want a drink?"
I like this approach on Alphard’s part, but I think I was kind of heavy handed in getting my message across. Sometimes all you really need IS a friend to listen. It’s kind of interesting though how Alphard is teaching Remus how to be his friend.
"All right."
Alphard caught Madame Rosmerta's eye and ordered two butterbeers. "How's Peter holding up these days?" he asked as the pretty landlady put the drinks in front of them.
One of those moments where it’s best if you’ve read Deny Thy Father. This happens not all that long after Peter’s father’s death- maybe 4 or 5 months.
"All right," Remus said. "A few months really helps. He doesn't talk about it much to me, but I think he does to James."
"It's got to be hard. I was lucky enough not to lose my father until late."
"I know. Mum's very sympathetic- her mother died when she was pretty young. She wants the Pettigrews to come over for Easter dinner. She says Easter's the hardest, with all the talk about Resurrections and new life."
"Yeah."
"Anyway, how are you doing?"
"Not so good."
"You didn't sound good in your letter. Tell me about it?"
And Alphard did. It wasn't an easy story for him to tell, and Remus already knew the outline anyway. He thought it was a shame Alphard and Andrew had ended, and although Alphard insisted he was over it, Remus was perceptive enough to see that this was not the case. He didn't have anything valuable to input; in fact, he barely said anything. He just let Alphard talk himself hoarse. But when they said goodnight Alphard hugged him like Remus had seen him hug Sirius- tight and long- and he knew that what he hadn't said had made a world of difference.
I really liked the hug here. Remus is reading it almost right- Alphard feels about him about 70% how he feels about Sirius. But his feelings for Sirius are much more paternal- Sirius has not put the same sort of effort into the relationship that Remus has, and it shows. Remus is more of a friend. That’s why Alphard has such a hard time defining their relationship later, because it is more reciprocal (my word of the day!) than the relationship he has with Sirius.
**********
Dear Alphard,
Egypt sounds fascinating. That's one of the places I'd really like to go someday. Maybe I will, once I'm done school. I would love to travel. And thank you for the box; it keeps certain nosy roommates out of my letters.
I really, really, REALLY want to go to Egypt someday.
You are never going to believe what happened yesterday. I still can't believe it myself. I'm not even sure I should tell you this, because they broke about a million rules and some of them are big, but if anyone understands it will be you.
When DTF first came out, a lot of people said they wished I showed more of Remus’s reactions to the werewolf conversation and the Animagus transformation. The reason I didn’t was because DTF was Sirius’s story, and also because those two things are SO done in fanfic (at least what I’ve seen) that I was having a hard time coming up with something unique, especially since Remus does tell us the general gist of his reactions in canon. But yeah, it is kind of fun to write Remus’s reactions.
Sirius, James, and Peter told me that they became Animagi so they could stay with me during full moons.
I don't know how well it will work, but it's worth a shot. But I couldn't believe it. It... Alphard, no one has ever done anything like this for me, and I would never expect them to. Not because I don't think they care about me or anything like that, but because so few wizards ever accomplish it. If I'd known they were doing it I would have killed them because they could have killed themselves. But they did it- I don't know how, and they told me last night for my birthday. I'm still in shock. It's really embarrassing to admit it, but I fainted when they showed me.
Heh. Poor Remus. Not a manly reaction, but given that he knew they were up to something but not what and then turned from animals into people, I think I’d faint too.
I still can't believe it. I really can't. Just... how many people have friends that would not only not leave them when they find out they're a werewolf, but would do something like THIS? How did I get so lucky?
Mum says whenever God closes a door, He opens a window. Not sure how much I believe that- I never really have for most of my life. I'm not even sure what I think about the concept of a God, except that He's really got it in for me if He does exist. But maybe not. To give me something like this....
Either that or JKR’s got it in for you, dear. The inclusion of God here was interesting to me. I like playing with religion, because I’m semi-religious, and I always wonder how the Wizarding world and religion cope from the wizard’s side.
I want to tell them how much it means to me, but I can't. How can you put something like this in words?
It's three o'clock in the morning. I slept for a bit, and now I can't sleep. I don't think I'll ever sleep again, but it's not like it was. I feel like the whole world is open now, and like all I can see is sunlight. I don't know, that sounds corny. I can't tell you what this means to me. I can only hope you know.
Remus
sniffle. I love it when Remus is happy.
*
Dear Remus-
I'm stunned. Simply stunned. Hold on to them Remus. Hold on to them whatever may come. Friends like that don't come about every day.
I've never believed in God either. But now I think I believe in angels.
::GAG:: Corny, corny, corny! Of all the lines I’ve written that I’m not happy with, that one has to be in the top ten.
Alphard
*
Dear Alphard-
Well, last night was the full moon. And today I'm already sitting here in the common room, only having a few wounds healed. I vaguely remember it. It's not the nicest of memories, I suppose. I can actually remember warring with that hunger and being absolutely appalled that that's me. But I remember it.
I read once about how this person at Auschwitz felt when they were freed. They said even though they saw the sunlight every day in the camp, they never really felt it. It was like it was through this glass ceiling, and when the Allies freed them then it was broken and the light was real. That's kind of how I feel today. I want to shout to everyone and sing and just throw my arms up and celebrate, but of course I can't because then I'd have to explain and I don't want to do that.
I really wish I could remember where I read that.
I don't think I told you what they are. Peter's a rat. He makes a very cute rat, all gray and plump and cuddly. You ought to see his face. He looks almost comical, he's so cute. I want to take a picture and show any future girlfriends he might have. Sirius is a dog. A big, huge black dog that's even bigger than my wolf. Needless to say, he now does great puppy dog eyes. But what I find truly amusing is that he can't resist a tummy rub in dog form. And James is a stag. You should see James. It's like he stepped out of a woodland story book or something or that Muggle movie Bambi. It's almost intimidating, but believe me, between James and Sirius then can keep one wolf in check no problem, and I barely maimed myself at all.
The rat thing: everyone always says “Peter was a RAT. Didn’t that give them any clue?” Well, rats ARE pets in the wizarding world- there are a few for sale at the Magical Menagerie. So wizards must not have the same view on rats. And I like the idea of a cute rat Peter. Sort of how Tina (see my icon) draws him. Cuddly Peter is one of my favorite MWPP characterizations. And you know, James must have been so annoyed. A rat can get around Hogwarts no problem. A dog isn’t that obvious. But a stag? Outside of the Forbidden Forest (where he has to watch out to be sure Hagrid doesn’t have a hankering for venison), how does a freaking STAG blend in?
I have to stop now, or I'm going to completely lose it and I don't feel like doing that. Nothing can take this away from me. Nothing.
Hahahhaha. Famous last words, Remus. You should know better than to utter them!
Remus
*
Dear Remus-
I laugh every time I get one of your letters these days. I laugh because I have never seen you like this, so happy you're jumping off the page. It's wonderful to see.
I can see Sirius as a dog. I hope I get to one day. It must be a sight. I'll remember what you said about the tummy rubs.
I hope you're always this happy. It's a lovely thing to see.
Alphard
I thought about doing a commentary on Accio Bananas, but to be honest, you don't want to hear a lot of my commentary. It will tell you more about me than I want you to know. So I did my only other one-shot, Mentors.
And it's long. Sheesh.
So, without further ado....
The office was as small and gray and bedraggled as Alphard Black had anticipated. The Werewolf Registry was far from the best-funded office in the Ministry. The chairs were ripped and stuffing peeked out, and the magazines on the table were even more outdated than in the average dentist's office. Alphard gave his name to the bored receptionist and then turned back to the waiting room.
Heh. I know the Werewolf Registry is part of Werewolf Support Services. However, I see the Support Services as being sort of lip service in the Wizarding World. They certainly aren’t helping Remus get a job or anything.
There was only one occupant: a man in his late thirties, flipping through a magazine without really looking at the pages. He had tawny hair pulled neatly back into a tail, wire-rim glasses over amber eyes, and a cold, empty expression that Alphard knew well.
"Well, well, well. If it isn't Damien Lupin."
If you haven’t figured it out yet, Damien Lupin is intended to be the lion-man that we got a glimpse of when JKR opened her study door. Now that I see the cover of Half-Blood Prince, I do concede that the lion-man may be Godric Gryffindor, but I still like the idea that it’s Mr. Lupin Sr. (This is also why Remus has the infamous amber eyes in my universe- he gets them from his father.) How did Damien get the limp the lion-man has (because he doesn’t have it here)? Let’s just say I know.
The man's head shot up. "Alphard Black," he smirked back. "How are you?"
"I'd recognize you anywhere. You were the most meddlesome Auror I've ever come up against."
"And you're still one of the slipperiest Dark Wizards to get by us."
"Although I hear you're not with 'us' anymore. May I presume that this is why?"
"No."
"You're in the Werewolf Registry Office."
"I'm waiting for someone."
Alphard laughed. "That has to be the most ridiculous piece of claptrap I've ever heard. Waiting for someone. We're all here for the same reason, Damien."
"Your first time, isn't it?"
Alphard blinked. "How do you know?"
"They always either put on a front or cower in a corner. One or the other."
Damien really is Mr. Sensitivity, isn’t he? Although I’ve written him a little inconsistently (particularly Chapter 2 of Deny Thy Father), Damien Lupin is my favorite OC of mine, with Alex Sommers right behind him.
"Which did you do?"
"Neither. I'm not a werewolf."
"Talk about denial."
"I'm-"
"Dad?"
Both men spun at the voice, and Alphard Black's mouth dropped open.
Standing beside what was obviously the Registry Official was a young boy. He couldn't have been any older than nine or ten- the same age as Alphard's nephew Sirius. He had sandy hair and pale skin and serious amber eyes- in many ways the spitting image of the ex-Auror glowering at Alphard. But the eyes were old, far too old for the child that stood there.
"I'm done," the boy said.
Damien looked at the official, who shrugged. "Same as always, Lupin," he said. "Kid's fine. Just keep him contained."
"We always do," Damien growled.
The boy looked at Alphard, shying closer to his father. Alphard extended his hand. "Hi. I'm... I'm Alphard Black."
With a tight, reluctant nod from Damien the boy took it. "I'm Remus," he said quietly. "Are you new?"
It was at that point that it finally hit Alphard. Damien wasn't the werewolf- his son was. His eyes met Damien's, and in those seconds his old animosity melted away. What a thing to have to deal with.
"Yes, Remus, I am new. This is my first time here."
I must confess to being very, very proud of this part, starting from where Remus comes in and where realization dawns for Alphard. This is probably one of the best scenes I’ve written.
*
First time melted into second, then to third and then to innumerable. As the months passed what seemed impossible became livable, if barely. It was still a terrible secret to be hidden, from his own mind if possible, but it was a fact he couldn't escape.
No one could escape it. There was no cure, no way out. Once you were bitten, that was it. Alphard wondered- often- if it would have been better for the wolf just to kill him outright. It seemed much easier, and yet each day he went on. And every two months he appeared in the dingy little office, to be reminded of rules and regulations, read new laws, and subjected to a quick and perfunctory physical by badly trained mediwizards who were just grateful for the job.
And yet, as the months turned into years, nothing was easier.
**********
Dear Remus-
I've written you a letter the day after the full moon for the past two years, but I've never had the nerve to send it. Funny, isn't it? An old man like me afraid to send a letter to a thirteen year old boy like you. It's preposterous. I don't even know if I'll send this one. Your father would disapprove, I'm sure, and question the propriety of me writing to a young boy. He wouldn't be the only one. I question it myself, but I have to know.
And already we have indication of Alphard’s sexuality, although Remus doesn’t remotely pick up on it. I imagine Remus as being pretty confused when he gets this letter out of the blue.
How do you do it, Remus? That's what I ask you in every single letter. Every time I see you in the Werewolf Registry Office you have your head high and you look people in the eyes. Not the Officials, but the rest of us. You go on, you live, you smile. I can't do it, and I should be far better equipped for it than you are.
Answer me that one question, and perhaps I can sleep at night.
Alphard Black
*
Mr. Black-
I don't mind you writing to me, although you're right about my father, I suppose. I'm not quite sure how to answer your question though, because I never knew I did it. I hate going to the Office, because the Registry Officials never look at me, or if they do it's only like I'm a bug or worse. But maybe I'm just used to it now, because I've been a werewolf for nine years and I don't remember the four before it. I don't really know. It's a good question though.
And I can't sleep at night either.
Remus Lupin
I know the nightmares thing is a cliché, but I think there’s some truth in it. But I also think Remus’s mind just goes 100 miles a minute naturally, and sleep is hard for him sometimes. Especially when you have someone prying into your mind like that.
I tried to keep Remus’s style of writing very simple here, because he’s only supposed to be 13. That’s part of why so many of his letters are short, too. Okay, so part of it is because long letters make for a more boring correspondence fic, but also because these are guys, and they don’t like writing letters. They just do it because they have no other real way to communicate.
*
Dear Remus,
Nine years. I guess that explains it to an extent. I've only been a werewolf for three.
Does the word ever bother you? Werewolf, I mean. It's a word I can't get out of my head and I hate it. I hate everything it implies and the way people treat me because of it. I'm only grateful that most people don't know. No one in my family knows. I would be cast out if they did. Your family accepts it so thoroughly. I'm jealous of that.
Alphard
At this point in the story, Remus is most definitely Alphard’s mentor, although he doesn’t always know it. Alphard (as we see later) admires Remus greatly, but he can not live up to the standards that Remus sets for himself. Alphard is old, and it’s hard for him to adapt to this new life. Remus, on the other hand, has never really known anything else. That’s why some of these questions don’t seem to make a lot of sense to Remus. He cant’ really remember not being a werewolf.
*
Mr. Black-
You should tell Sirius. He knows about me, and he's been great. I'll bet he wouldn't turn his back on you. Maybe the rest of your family would be good, too? Although I guess from what Sirius tells me, maybe not.
Like here. This is the best advice 13-year-old Remus can offer. Big help, huh? ;)
My family doesn't accept it. You think they do, but they don't. Time stopped for my father when I was four, and he treats me that way a lot of the time. My mother still cries, I think. I feel funny telling you that, because you see her and she always tries to pretend she's adjusted. But she runs away to the University every morning, and she's happy in her Muggle world. I think there she can pretend there's nothing wrong with me. I think she's gotten better since I've come to school, but I don't know.
I originally wanted to show more of a relationship between Alphard and Marilyn, and how much he really respects her. It’s hinted at in Deny Thy Father that Marilyn is sort of what started changing Alphard’s mind on Muggles. He really admires her for being able to cope with this (although Marilyn is a master actress and doesn’t cope as well as she acts like she does, as Remus indicates here). He doesn’t approve of Damien marrying her (although I don’t think Damien is a pureblood), but that’s more because old habits die hard. Alphard’s old enough that I thought it would be very hard for him to completely change the views he’s held all his life.
We don't talk about it. We pretend it doesn't exist. But I feel shabby complaining about it, because I know they love me and that's why they have to pretend.
I think that's part of why I love James and Sirius and Peter. They know, and they don't try to ignore it or to forget. Pete tries to say I'm still normal, but Sirius and James don't. They just accept it.
By the way, you didn't happen to take Ancient Runes in school, did you? I'm having trouble with this translation.
Remus
*
Remus-
You mistranslated the third word. It should be frog, not chicken. The runes are very similar. Pull out East Asian Runes and Characters if you want more about it. And feel free to ask me any time, especially on the Oriental runes- I travel to Asia quite a bit for my work. I'm actually headed to Datong in two days. I need to go to the Yanguan Caves and the Hanging Monastery. I'll be gone for a month, but an owl will find me. And I'll write and let you know how it goes.
If you read my “ten things I’ve done that you haven’t” meme, you know that I’ve eaten frog. It was because I mistranslated the characters when I ordered. (My spoken Chinese has never been good, so I did a lot of “point and mumble” when I ordered food in China.) I’ve also been to Datong, which is a mining town in China, the Yanguan Caves and the Hanging Monastery. They’re really, really cool.
Every letter we've written has been about lycanthropy, but I admit I look forward to receiving your letters. Although I love him, Sirius is a pretty poor correspondent, and to be honest, I miss Hogwarts. I miss Gryffindor Tower and classes and everything. To be absolutely truthful, I miss being young.
Anyway, that was rather repulsive, so I'll close and send this before I tear it up and forget to write another one.
Because men and expressing emotions just don’t go together ;)
Alphard
*
Mr. Black-
Thanks a lot for the help. The sentence makes a lot more sense now. What do you do, anyway? I asked Dad, but he just sort of muttered something at me.
I know this is probably rude to mention, but Dad seems to think you're a Dark Wizard or something. I guess it makes sense- Sirius told us his parents are Dark Wizards. It really bothers him, to be honest, although he doesn't talk about it much. James can't stand it. His grandparents were killed by Dark Wizards. He never told Sirius, but he told me the night Sirius told us about his parents. I don't think he wanted to talk to Sirius for a few days after that, but the two of them won't stay apart from each other for long, ever. And besides, it's not Sirius's fault. Fortunately, I think Sirius was so wrapped up in thinking about it that he didn't notice how angry James got.
You know, it can be really hard to kill of Harry’s entire family without an excess of angst. You have to get rid of SO many people. So James barely knew his grandparents. It seemed easier. Why Dark Wizards killed them, I’m not sure. I have no idea of what they did or what sort of power struggle was going on or if they were unwilling sacrifices in some sort of bizarre ritual. Neither does James ;). But you need to get rid of Harry’s entire family except Petunia, so we’re down one set of grandparents. (Bear in mind that witches and wizards- which I assume James’s grandparents to be- have exceptionally long lifespans, so these people could have been capable of taking Harry if they were still alive.
Is it true that they eat dogs and snakes in China? Mum's very fond of Chinese takeaway, and Dad teases her and says her chicken stuff is cat on a stick, but I think he's joking. (Most days. Although there is this one takeaway that I'm not so sure.)
Heh. The cat on a stick joke comes from one of my sister’s ex-boyfriends.
Remus
*
Dear Remus-
The easy questions first, I guess. They do eat dog and snake in China. Snake's not bad, but dog is a bit tough for my liking. Flavorful, but I'd rather have a good beef lo mein. I put a few tourist cards in the envelope. It's a pretty interesting area, especially the caves. The amount of carving is simply amazing.
Yup. Eaten dog, too. No snake though.
The carving in the Yuanguan caves is amazing. These caves are COVERED with miniature Buddhas. It’s really need to see, and to see how well all this carving has lasted over the centuries. The Hanging Monastery is cool, too, because it’s this tiny monastery cut into the side of a cliff, and it housed three religions simultaneously.
As for what I do, I'm a curse breaker for Gringotts. Basically, my job is to go into these old places and bring back treasure. It's actually pretty interesting, and since I travel so much it's pretty easy to keep the lycanthropy hidden. I keep my own hours, and no one cares what they are as long as I bring back plenty of gold. And heck, my employers are goblins. I don't think they even look much at me most times.
Goblins don’t seem to care about much at all, according to Bill Weasley’s talk of them. If you’re a wizard, they don’t have the slightest interest in you.
Now the hard part. There is a difference between a wizard that uses Dark Arts and a Dark Wizard. Dark Arts are powerful things, and many, many wizards use them. A Dark Wizard gets into philosophical connotations.
Many wizards see the Dark Arts as tools. Some choose to use them, some choose not to. That's how I feel about them. They're tools. Perhaps not the most pleasant of tools, but they get the job done.
Your father would know. A few years back, well, many years back, I was a little careless with the Dark Arts. Your father was one of the Aurors on the case. They never proved anything- and to be honest there wasn't much to prove- but your father knew I had been using Dark Arts, and not in the most innocent of ways.
I don't use them anymore, and I'm not just saying that. It's not even just the bite. It was Sirius, of all things. He was the first great-nephew, and he was just getting interesting around the same time as I had my run-in with your father. If I was locked up in Azkaban, I wouldn't get to be a part of his life at all. Totally sappy, but I never had kids, and I think I might have liked to.
I really wish I’d been able to go into more detail about Alphard’s past. But for one, I wasn’t quite sure WHAT he did with them, and for two, he needs to be a sympathetic character. Maybe one day I’ll write Alphard’s story back then. That’s one I KNOW we’re never going to hear, as I suspect Uncle Alphard is a convenient way for Sirius to have financial independence at age 17. But I’d like to know more about “Dark Arts” first.
Anyway, that should explain a few things for you.
Alphard
*
Mr. Black-
Okay then. A little uncomfortable, but then we're both Dark Creatures, so I guess Dark Arts in the past shouldn't matter much, should it?
Sorry. I've started this letter about nine times and I don't know how to write it.
I think I'll just keep thinking of you as the only nice person at the Werewolf Registry, and Sirius's uncle. It's easier that way, if you don't mind.
You know what? Screw the whole Dark Arts thing, and forget I ever asked about it. Or ever said anything about it. Let's just forget it all together.
Anyway. China. Tell me more about China. And when I write back next time, I'll tell you about our Transfiguration lessons with Professor McGonagall. Deal? Deal.
Remus
*
Alphard sat still with the letter in his hand, uncertain as to what to do. The boy was unnerved, and with Damien Lupin for a father, Alphard knew he shouldn't be surprised.
But he wanted to keep writing. Why?
He knew the answer even before he set pen to paper. Remus was lonely, despite three very good friends at Hogwarts. Lonely for a like mind, someone who understood intimately. And Alphard was lonely, too.
And so, even knowing that it wasn't smoothed over, he pulled a parchment to him and began to write. "Dear Remus... China it is."
Ergh. Not one of my favorite interspersions of text. Can we say “forced and patched”?
**********
The dark brown owl arrived at dinner, bearing a parchment with Remus's name. His parents looked surprised.
"That's not the Pettigrew's owl, or the Potter's. And it's not the one Sirius uses," Damien said.
"Maybe Sirius had to use a different one?" Remus suggested, taking the letter. "His family has a few. May I please be excused?" Although he knew his father wasn't convinced, he was allowed to leave.
Not fond of this section, either. It just feels so… expository. “This happened, then this happened.” I hate it when I get into that list style.
Remus retreated to his room, closing the door behind him and sitting on the bed covered with a simple blue spread. He'd been waiting for this letter, waiting to see if Alphard had fulfilled the promise he'd made before Christmas. And as he opened the letter and read it, he began to smile.
Dear Remus,
Well, finally after two months, I took your advice. I told Sirius tonight.
You were right about him. He accepted it very well. James was there too, and he didn't even understand that my family wouldn't be like yours. I don't think James has ever known what it is to not be accepted.
I never married, you know, and never had children. Sirius sometimes makes me wish I did. Of course, Arden then tells me of all the trouble you boys get into, and the numbers of owls he's had from Hogwarts saying you're all in detention again for a hex in the hallways or a dungbomb-firework crossover that's gone off in the hallways. It's easier to just be the uncle who can laugh at the stories instead of the father than has to be mad.
But with my luck, my kid would have been like Regulus.
Merry Christmas,
Alphard
There are a few things I like about this letter and the one that follows. One is that it acknowledges that the marauders were nasty to PEOPLE. That’s something that didn’t come through in Deny Thy Father for a reason. In Deny Thy Father, I was writing exclusively from Sirius’s point of view. I have this theory that Sirius never realized how cruel he was being to people, because he never thought about it. It simply didn’t matter enough to him- the people weren’t important. And that’s far crueler than if it had been a personal jab at Snape or something.
The other thing I like is the potshot at Regulus. Just cause.
*
Mr. Black,
I don't usually hex people. That's Sirius and James. The dungbomb firework, however, was all my idea. But it's not my fault I didn't get caught. Just Sirius and James again. I'm really glad you told Sirius, though. Want to bet I get an owl from him in the next day or two?
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s Remus without a sense of mischief and humor. (Well, actually, there’s a lot of things.) But I love Remus quickly defining that although he usually doesn’t single out people, he’s still one of the marauders.
My father actually decided it was time for The Talk over vacation. I can't believe he admits I'm old enough to hear it; never mind that I've heard a lot of it already. That's the thing about reading books that are way too advanced for you; you learn a lot about sex.
But for all that I've read about and Dad talked about it, I don't think I'll ever have it. How can I do it when I know I'm a werewolf?
Is it lonely, never having married? I do know I will never get married. I can't do that to someone- tie them to my life like that. Is it really hard?
Happy New Year,
Remus
I do firmly believe that Remus never married, because I’d think his wife would wonder about where he was in OotP. I think this might be part of the reason, too. I don’t like “woe is me, no one will ever love me” Remus (unless he’s being a hormonal teenager), but I do like “I don’t want to put someone else through this prejudice” Remus. He DOES have an over-exaggerated sense of personal responsibility. (At times. When it suits him.)
*
Dear Remus,
You're thirteen, sex and love will find its place in your life one day, I'm sure. It all seems strange and repulsive at one time (especially right after talking to your parents about it), but eventually it won't.
Because there’s two kinds of people that never have sex: your parents and your children. Heh.
I never married, but I haven't been alone for my whole life, either. I've had lovers, one of whom lasted fourteen years. In my family, only Andromeda knows about that, and that's only because she arrived unexpectedly. She thought it was funny, but she never told. It's over now- it was well before the bite. He left because I wouldn't tell anyone, and it got to be too much, I suppose. There have been others, but I miss him the most.
I know it's hard, but don't be so quick to shut yourself off. It is lonely sometimes, and I regret letting him get away.
Glad to know you all made it back to school safely, and keep an eye on Sirius, will you? I'm very worried.
You know, you can call me
Alphard
*
Remus put the letter down with a heavy sigh. He wondered how Alphard felt about Andromeda now. He'd heard about her marriage and Arden's reaction from James: Sirius had little to nothing to say on the subject. He checked the date again. Alphard had written this two days after Andromeda's announcement. Looked like he'd keep speaking to her after all.
He wondered if he should write about Sirius and what Mr. Black had done, but Alphard had been there. He knew. And Remus was pretty sure Sirius wouldn't appreciate them discussing it behind his back. Yes, what he and Mr. Black- Alphard, because Remus didn't think he could think of Alphard and Sirius's father by the same name- had was outside of his friendship with Sirius.
What’s interesting to me here is that now Remus HAS to know Alphard’s gay. And he doesn’t react. I tend to think he’s in a bit of denial here. Not about his own life (I don’t think he’s in denial as much as he just hasn’t reached the conclusion), but about Alphard’s. He knows it, but he doesn’t want to think about it. Which makes sense. Would YOU want to think about your 60-something mentor having sex? Eww, no. Definitely not. (And yes, there’s more to homosexuality than just sex. But that’s what a 14-year old kid is going to think about first.)
*
Dear Alphard,
Of course I'll keep an eye on Sirius. He's not talking about it much, just for the record, but James is pretty upset. Which is good. Thought you might like to know that James told Sirius he can come to his house any time at all. Dad was livid when he saw Sirius too, and I don't think he'd ever turn him away if he came to our house, even if he doesn't really like him. I really wish he did.
I like the version of events where Remus acknowledges James and Sirius’s very close friendship, but isn’t all that jealous of it. In my mind, girls have more of a social hierarchy than boys do. Remus knows he’s important to both of them, and vice versa, and that’s enough. The fact that James and Sirius were “bestest friends” just never seems to bug him in canon. Really wish we had more information about Remus and Peter!
Hey, guess what? Professor McGonagall remembers you. She heard us talking about the holiday and James and Sirius were talking about you being a Gryffindor, and her face just lit up and she turned red! What did you guys do when you were kids? Were you and she an item? I know you said she'd never date you, but did you go after her or something? It was really funny, especially when Peter noticed and started asking her all these questions. He knows exactly what questions to ask, too. He started just asking her about did you have classes together and stuff, and then if she ever thought you were annoying (she told us about the snowballs), and then asked her if running through the common room in her night gown was her way of getting your attention! She went so red- it was hysterical! Not so hysterical though when she gave all four of us an extra essay. The woman has no sense of humor, some days.
Look! Peter mention! It was hard to get him and James into this fic and not make it sound forced. I wanted it to be obvious they were a huge presence in Remus’s life, because I don’t like the fics where it’s Sirius and Remus and the rest of the marauders. But because of the relationships discussed, Sirius was easier to bring in to this one. But even Sirius isn’t in this much, so….
I suppose I'd better go start on her essay. Full moon in a few days, and by tomorrow I'll be feeling too shitty to get much done.
Remus
**********
Dear Remus-
I can't believe the four of you managed to swipe Minerva McGonagall's bra. How four fourth years did it is beyond me, but I thank you very, very much. I'm supposed to meet her in Hogsmeade for a Christmas drink tomorrow. The look on her face when I hand it to her will be priceless.
I really want to do something similar to old McKinnon in the Office, just to make him smile. I don't know if you heard, but his wife died two months ago from cancer. Terribly sad for the old bloke; they'd been married for fifty seven years.
I have to admit, I'm afraid he's going to retire soon. I wonder who they'll give us when he does? The thought scares me. For all that the Werewolf Registry Office is intended as support, the people working there have as much sensitivity as an icicle. Bad simile, I know, but with the moon in a few days that's as creative as I get.
I love being able to use Alphard’s exhaustion as an excuse for my own lack of creativity here.
How did your Defense exam go, by the way?
Alphard
*
Dear Alphard-
Defense exam went well; he graded me an O. James and Sirius also pulled O's, and Peter got an E. Don't you dare tell Professor McGonagall we're the ones who took her bra- she still hasn't graded my Transfiguration essay and I spent a lot of time on it. By the way, I meant to tell you that she has picture of Jagged Edge- that lead singer for the Broken Sneakoscopes in her office. And it's autographed. To Minnie. But you didn't hear that from me.
I admit, the Minnie thing was inspired by Naked Quidditch, and Jagged Edge by Slash (well, the name Slash. Hehe. There should be some sort of joke there about homosexual fiction and Guns and Roses, but I’m too lazy to think of it.) I picture the Broken Sneakoscopes to be much harder than the Weird Sisters in terms of music, something like Guns and Roses, actually. Or Rolling Stones. A Dinosaur band that still tours.
I didn't know about McKinnon's wife. Dad probably did- he talks to McKinnon all the time. I guess McKinnon used to be an Auror and then transferred to the Registry after he got his hip broken? Dad wouldn't have told me though- he rarely tells me anything bad or sad. Remember what I said about the over-protective bit.
Oh yeah, I've been meaning to tell you that I did tell him James, Peter, and Sirius know. He completely went off the deep end at first, especially over Sirius. He doesn't like him, I think. Well, mostly. He does, he just won't admit it because Sirius is a Black. I know you and he are civil, but I don't think it's any shock to you that he doesn't really like your family. The Auror thing, I guess.
Definitely tell me about McGonagall's reaction, and preferably in a letter I can show the others. Sirius doesn't know we write. I don't know why I don't tell him, but I kind of like it this way.
Remus
In case you’re wondering, Remus still hasn’t told Sirius that he writes to Alphard as of part V of Accidentally In Love. (I think.) He never told Sirius how Alphard died though. More on that later.
*
Sirius, Peter, James, and Remus-
I really liked this letter. It was a lot of fun to write. McG can be SO much fun- I really do wonder what she was like when she was younger, because that woman KICKS ASS!
Boys, boys, boys, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Imagine the scene. It's the Three Broomsticks, decorated for Christmas. There's a tree in the corner, fairy lights draped around, and outside carolers are singing. It's warm, which is good because I've been in Siberia for the past week and I still haven't unthawed.
The door opens, and in walks Minerva McGonagall. I remember Minerva as a pretty girl with long black hair and a sly smile. She used to have quite the figure, let me tell you- almost every boy in our dorm drooled over her constantly, especially when she wore those red robes. Now she's much more uptight, her hair in a bun and those stupid glasses that make her look years older than she is, and gray in her hair which I suspect you four put there. But still, she's lovely.
The back history: they were friends. McG had a crush on Alphard when she was 15, but it was not reciprocated. However, he knew and was very flattered- and grateful. Eventually, Minerva was the first one Alphard told he was gay. She’s one of the few he ever volunteered the information to. I think McG would take it relatively well because she’s so fair.
We've been writing, but I haven't seen Minerva in years. We used to get on quite well, except when I stole her bra the first time and she pretty much buried me in the snow. But her eyes brightened when I stood up, and she made her way over to me eagerly. If Minerva McGonagall was someone I could love, I would have been smitten right there.
And then... with the carols in the background and colored lights and the smell of butterbeer... the perfect reunion for two old school friends... I tossed her bra at her as she made her way to the table.
Heh. Her screech attracted the attention of every patron in the bar.
He’s lucky she DID like him at one time, or she would have hexed him.
"You... you..." That was all she could say. Gentlemen, between the five of us we reduced the articulate, intelligent Minerva McGonagall to stuttering one word incoherently. Be proud of yourselves, because few grown wizards have ever accomplished that feat.
"I thought you might need it," I told her, "when the Broken Sneakoscopes come to town. You can throw it at Jagged Edge. I've got tickets, Minnie."
She gaped at me again, and her face flushed the most delightful shade of red. Then she smacked me. Not hard, but like she would have as a school girl. I didn't mind- I was doubled over laughing.
"You haven't changed a bit, Alphard Black!" she shouted at me.
Nope. Not a bit.
So, thanks to you boys, I'm headed to the Broken Sneakoscopes concert on Friday night with the most eligible girl of my year. A few decades late, but such is the way of it. Heh. A rock concert. Us. At our age.
Andromeda will just be furious that I got tickets and she can't go.
This is just one of those mental images that I love.
Anyway, please accept my payment in the form of the attached sweets. I suspect they may be gone already, but again, such is life. And thanks again!
Uncle Alphard
*
Remus-
I haven't changed a bit, have I? Thanks again. Those are words I could never hope to hear, and the very words I was desperate for.
Alphard
*
Alphard-
I think this is my favorite letter from Remus in the entire fic. He sounds so teenager-ish here, and I love sarcastic, having-a-sense-of-humor Remus.
You owe us big time. Big Time. McGonagall can't prove it was us, but she's pretty sure. And guess who she's blaming? Me. Yes, that's right. Me.
I gave her my best innocent look (which is more confused, because angelic innocence is a sure sign of guilt) and demanded to know why she thought I could ever be involved in such a caper. "One," she told me, "you used the word caper. Choose your words better next time, Mr. Lupin. No innocent would use the word caper. And two, while I know Mr. Black and Mr. Potter did the dirty work, neither of them would have noticed the picture. You, on the other hand, would."
Although I love this letter, I’ve never been happy with that paragraph.
Oops.
So, I have detention. It's my second ever. And guess what the wench is making me do? Wash her pantyhose. "Since you can't seem to keep your hands off my underwear, Mr. Lupin...." Ugh. There has GOT to be some sort of rule against this!
James and Sirius are stuck cleaning the trophy cases, and Peter has to help Ogg and Hagrid with something. Wankers. Wankers all of them. THEY'RE not cleaning pantyhose.
You so owe me.
Remus
*
Dear Remus-
Oops. Sorry about the pantyhose, but it WAS worth it. And yes, I owe you, and I'll pay up some day. I promise.
We did go to the concert. Front row, and I know I'm getting old because I complained the music was too loud. But if you could have seen Minerva dancing... I wish I'd taken a camera, because that picture would have been worth all your trouble. And she did throw her undergarments at the lead singer. For the record, he is quite fit and I can understand her attraction.
Heck with giving it to Remus- I want the picture! But given McG’s behavior in… is it PS/SS when she gets drunk? I can see this happening.
We went to a bar afterwards, and got spectacularly drunk. And I told her. Pick yourself up off the floor, because I know you're shocked. I told her I'd been bitten four years ago, and she laughed. Can you believe it? She laughed. "So that's why you recruited Remus Lupin in your little panty raid," she said. I knew she had to be drunk to mention your name.
I admitted I write to you, and she turned sober for a few minutes. She worries about you, I think. I've never asked her if she's had children- it's a strange thing to ask, I know. The truth is, neither of us want to know about the other's lives now. When we're together it's as if we're in our teens again, and whatever's happened in her life that she's trying to forget and whatever's happened in mine never happened. But I do know this about her life now: Minerva McGonagall genuinely cares for you.
Heh. She’s wondering about his motives. Something that always bugs me- but I made Minerva do it because I think so many people do do it- is the assumption that gay men MUST be pedophiles. I’m attracted to men, and the thought of hooking up with any of the kids in my youth group simply nauseates me. I think (and more on this) that Alphard is somewhat attracted to Remus- or concedes that Remus IS attractive- especially when Remus is 16/17. But he would NEVER act on it. And when he first meets Remus, the draw is entirely based on lycanthropy- not on the fact that Remus is a nice-looking boy.
See you tomorrow at the Registry.
Alphard
*
Dear Alphard-
What happened yesterday? You were as pale as a ghost when you left, and you didn't say a word. Is it the new man that took McKinnon's place?
Diggory wasn't bad, although he said another man is coming in this summer. He wasn't nice, not like McKinnon. McKinnon always treated me like my teachers do, and even as he asked me questions and read off the restrictions his voice was kind. Diggory was much more formal. But I'm scared of this new man coming in as well.
So what happened?
Remus
One of the reasons I put this section in was to bring Remus back to being a friend to Alphard. I remember something my youth pastor said once about the kids. She told them she was their friend, but they weren’t necessarily hers. And I could see what she meant. A friendship is reciprocal. Now, in the case of my youth pastor, it SHOULD be the way she described it, because you’re supposed to be there to support the kids. But in this case, I wanted Remus to be a friend and a mentor to Alphard just as much as Alphard was a friend and mentor to Remus. Over the past few pages we’ve been seeing a shift in that original dynamic, which given their ages is natural. Now I’m trying to bring them back across that generation gap that’s been developing.
*
Dear Remus-
Sorry it's been so long since I've sent you a letter. I've written every day for the past two weeks and torn every letter up, because this is harder than I thought it would be.
I think you know I'm gay. You're a bright boy, and I haven't been that subtle about it. That said, I know I told you that I had a lover for fourteen years, and it ended because I was ashamed. I think that's what I told you.
I loved him, but I never said the words. It bothered him, and I suppose that's fair. It ended badly, which I guess is the only way a relationship of fourteen years can end when it's kept secret and not really acknowledged and all that. It ended ten years ago.
Problem is, ten years isn't enough to erase some wounds.
It seems completely cruel- to both him and me- that Andrew Diggory is now working in the Werewolf Registry Office.
Andrew Diggory is Amos Diggory’s brother. And for other references, Tom Weasley in Deny Thy Father is Arthur Weasley’s cousin, and Tina Lovegood in DTF and Accidentally In Love is Luna Lovegood’s aunt. Sirius did mention that the pureblood families were pretty inbred!
The meeting wasn't good. He hadn't had time to look over all of the files, and apparently he'd spent a lot of time on yours because of your unique situation. So he didn't know to even expect me. And he was appointed so quickly, I didn't know to expect him. So the first time we'd seen each other face to face in nine years was when I opened the door and walked in.
His face went white, and I stopped dead. I thought that everything I'd ever felt for him was over, but it's not. But when he saw me in his office, anything he might have felt died right there on the altar of his desk. His eyes went completely cold and when he spoke to me his voice was flat. You'd have thought we'd never known each other.
Meeting up with exes really sucks, doesn’t it?
I wanted him to scream and yell at me and tell me I'd been an idiot, or to berate me and demand to know what I'd done to get myself bitten. But he didn't even give me that courtesy, although I heard his voice break.
It was a short interview. Was yours long? I'm not sure which I'm hoping to hear.
Sorry to be so incoherent,
Alphard
*
Dear Alphard,
Oh wow. I don't think I would have come up with that in a million years. I'm not quite sure what to say. I'm really sorry. I know going to the Registry Office is hard for you anyway, and with this.... I really wish I could say something profound and useful.
My interview was pretty long, actually. I got the impression Diggory had never really met a werewolf, especially when he said I wasn't what he was expecting. I asked him what he was expecting, and he said he didn't really know. But I guess not a quiet kid with good grades and only two detentions in his life.
It was kind of embarrassing, actually. He kept asking me all kinds of questions. Some of them I didn't mind, like how my teachers treat me and where I go for transformations. But he started asking me if I have friends, and if I need help in my studies, and if I have girlfriends and if that's difficult, and all sorts of personal stuff. It was weird, like he was curious, but too curious. Invasive, almost. I didn't want to answer some of them, because it didn't seem right, but some of the questions made me laugh- especially when he asked if I like my meat cooked. No. I prefer it raw and dripping with blood. (Actually, Peter says I do. But just because he likes his charred doesn't mean all of us do.)
This didn’t come out quite right, and what I wanted to convey is coming across much better in the character of Caradoc Dearborn. Andrew was supposed to be someone who tried to treat werewolves like he treated anyone else and overcompensated. He asks all sorts of personal questions because he’s curious, but Remus can tell just how many of them are based in superstition or fear or wrong information. On the one hand, Remus is glad he’s interested and at least trying, and on the other it’s annoying, because it’s not actually being treated normally.
I miss McKinnon, but Diggory isn't a bad replacement. He's completely and utterly clueless, but he's at least willing to listen and try to help. Ugh. I don't want- never mind.
Hey, are you even in the area? If you are, we could go over to the Three Broomsticks tonight. I can sneak out no problem, and, well, and. Let me know.
Because Remus IS a true marauder. And yes, he stole James’s invisibility cloak. And no, he didn’t ask.
Remus
*
R-
See you there at 9:00.
-A
*
Remus breathed a small sigh of relief that James and Sirius were not lurking in the Three Broomsticks. It had been easy enough to ditch them- the whole "I'm going to the library" thing was more than plausible. And even though their antics might very well cheer Alphard up, a second sense told Remus this wasn't what was needed.
Alphard was sitting in a corner table, waiting for him. Remus was surprised that he hadn't ordered any whiskey, but was not at all surprised at the strained, exhausted look on his face. Wishing he knew better what to say, he slipped into the booth across from Alphard.
"Hey."
Alphard smiled. "Hey."
”Hey” probably isn’t all that British. ::Sigh:: Sadly, that’s one of areas I feel my writing is lacking: 1970’s British slang.
"How are you?"
Alphard shrugged. "As good as can be expected, I suppose."
Remus sat in silence, helpless.
Alphard raised an eyebrow at him. "What?"
"I should be able to say something. That's why we're here, isn't it?"
Alphard snorted. "Remus, stop torturing yourself. Let me give you the answer in advance. There's nothing you can say to make it go away, or make everything better. We're here because we're friends, and that's what friends do when one of them is having trouble. They're there. You're here, and that means enough. Now want a drink?"
I like this approach on Alphard’s part, but I think I was kind of heavy handed in getting my message across. Sometimes all you really need IS a friend to listen. It’s kind of interesting though how Alphard is teaching Remus how to be his friend.
"All right."
Alphard caught Madame Rosmerta's eye and ordered two butterbeers. "How's Peter holding up these days?" he asked as the pretty landlady put the drinks in front of them.
One of those moments where it’s best if you’ve read Deny Thy Father. This happens not all that long after Peter’s father’s death- maybe 4 or 5 months.
"All right," Remus said. "A few months really helps. He doesn't talk about it much to me, but I think he does to James."
"It's got to be hard. I was lucky enough not to lose my father until late."
"I know. Mum's very sympathetic- her mother died when she was pretty young. She wants the Pettigrews to come over for Easter dinner. She says Easter's the hardest, with all the talk about Resurrections and new life."
"Yeah."
"Anyway, how are you doing?"
"Not so good."
"You didn't sound good in your letter. Tell me about it?"
And Alphard did. It wasn't an easy story for him to tell, and Remus already knew the outline anyway. He thought it was a shame Alphard and Andrew had ended, and although Alphard insisted he was over it, Remus was perceptive enough to see that this was not the case. He didn't have anything valuable to input; in fact, he barely said anything. He just let Alphard talk himself hoarse. But when they said goodnight Alphard hugged him like Remus had seen him hug Sirius- tight and long- and he knew that what he hadn't said had made a world of difference.
I really liked the hug here. Remus is reading it almost right- Alphard feels about him about 70% how he feels about Sirius. But his feelings for Sirius are much more paternal- Sirius has not put the same sort of effort into the relationship that Remus has, and it shows. Remus is more of a friend. That’s why Alphard has such a hard time defining their relationship later, because it is more reciprocal (my word of the day!) than the relationship he has with Sirius.
**********
Dear Alphard,
Egypt sounds fascinating. That's one of the places I'd really like to go someday. Maybe I will, once I'm done school. I would love to travel. And thank you for the box; it keeps certain nosy roommates out of my letters.
I really, really, REALLY want to go to Egypt someday.
You are never going to believe what happened yesterday. I still can't believe it myself. I'm not even sure I should tell you this, because they broke about a million rules and some of them are big, but if anyone understands it will be you.
When DTF first came out, a lot of people said they wished I showed more of Remus’s reactions to the werewolf conversation and the Animagus transformation. The reason I didn’t was because DTF was Sirius’s story, and also because those two things are SO done in fanfic (at least what I’ve seen) that I was having a hard time coming up with something unique, especially since Remus does tell us the general gist of his reactions in canon. But yeah, it is kind of fun to write Remus’s reactions.
Sirius, James, and Peter told me that they became Animagi so they could stay with me during full moons.
I don't know how well it will work, but it's worth a shot. But I couldn't believe it. It... Alphard, no one has ever done anything like this for me, and I would never expect them to. Not because I don't think they care about me or anything like that, but because so few wizards ever accomplish it. If I'd known they were doing it I would have killed them because they could have killed themselves. But they did it- I don't know how, and they told me last night for my birthday. I'm still in shock. It's really embarrassing to admit it, but I fainted when they showed me.
Heh. Poor Remus. Not a manly reaction, but given that he knew they were up to something but not what and then turned from animals into people, I think I’d faint too.
I still can't believe it. I really can't. Just... how many people have friends that would not only not leave them when they find out they're a werewolf, but would do something like THIS? How did I get so lucky?
Mum says whenever God closes a door, He opens a window. Not sure how much I believe that- I never really have for most of my life. I'm not even sure what I think about the concept of a God, except that He's really got it in for me if He does exist. But maybe not. To give me something like this....
Either that or JKR’s got it in for you, dear. The inclusion of God here was interesting to me. I like playing with religion, because I’m semi-religious, and I always wonder how the Wizarding world and religion cope from the wizard’s side.
I want to tell them how much it means to me, but I can't. How can you put something like this in words?
It's three o'clock in the morning. I slept for a bit, and now I can't sleep. I don't think I'll ever sleep again, but it's not like it was. I feel like the whole world is open now, and like all I can see is sunlight. I don't know, that sounds corny. I can't tell you what this means to me. I can only hope you know.
Remus
sniffle. I love it when Remus is happy.
*
Dear Remus-
I'm stunned. Simply stunned. Hold on to them Remus. Hold on to them whatever may come. Friends like that don't come about every day.
I've never believed in God either. But now I think I believe in angels.
::GAG:: Corny, corny, corny! Of all the lines I’ve written that I’m not happy with, that one has to be in the top ten.
Alphard
*
Dear Alphard-
Well, last night was the full moon. And today I'm already sitting here in the common room, only having a few wounds healed. I vaguely remember it. It's not the nicest of memories, I suppose. I can actually remember warring with that hunger and being absolutely appalled that that's me. But I remember it.
I read once about how this person at Auschwitz felt when they were freed. They said even though they saw the sunlight every day in the camp, they never really felt it. It was like it was through this glass ceiling, and when the Allies freed them then it was broken and the light was real. That's kind of how I feel today. I want to shout to everyone and sing and just throw my arms up and celebrate, but of course I can't because then I'd have to explain and I don't want to do that.
I really wish I could remember where I read that.
I don't think I told you what they are. Peter's a rat. He makes a very cute rat, all gray and plump and cuddly. You ought to see his face. He looks almost comical, he's so cute. I want to take a picture and show any future girlfriends he might have. Sirius is a dog. A big, huge black dog that's even bigger than my wolf. Needless to say, he now does great puppy dog eyes. But what I find truly amusing is that he can't resist a tummy rub in dog form. And James is a stag. You should see James. It's like he stepped out of a woodland story book or something or that Muggle movie Bambi. It's almost intimidating, but believe me, between James and Sirius then can keep one wolf in check no problem, and I barely maimed myself at all.
The rat thing: everyone always says “Peter was a RAT. Didn’t that give them any clue?” Well, rats ARE pets in the wizarding world- there are a few for sale at the Magical Menagerie. So wizards must not have the same view on rats. And I like the idea of a cute rat Peter. Sort of how Tina (see my icon) draws him. Cuddly Peter is one of my favorite MWPP characterizations. And you know, James must have been so annoyed. A rat can get around Hogwarts no problem. A dog isn’t that obvious. But a stag? Outside of the Forbidden Forest (where he has to watch out to be sure Hagrid doesn’t have a hankering for venison), how does a freaking STAG blend in?
I have to stop now, or I'm going to completely lose it and I don't feel like doing that. Nothing can take this away from me. Nothing.
Hahahhaha. Famous last words, Remus. You should know better than to utter them!
Remus
*
Dear Remus-
I laugh every time I get one of your letters these days. I laugh because I have never seen you like this, so happy you're jumping off the page. It's wonderful to see.
I can see Sirius as a dog. I hope I get to one day. It must be a sight. I'll remember what you said about the tummy rubs.
I hope you're always this happy. It's a lovely thing to see.
Alphard
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Date: 2005-03-16 03:09 am (UTC)aww, I really like reading commentary. One thing > you forgot to close the italics tag here > Andrew Diggory is Amos Diggory’s brother. And for other references, Tom Weasley in Deny Thy Father is Arthur Weasley’s cousin, and Tina Lovegood in DTF and Accidentally In Love is Luna Lovegood’s aunt. Sirius did mention that the pureblood families were pretty inbred!
So it makes it hard to tell what is commentary and what isn't after that. but I really liked the insight. well done :)
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Date: 2005-03-16 03:10 am (UTC)oops, I forgot to refresh the page after i got back from school. you fixed it *g* clever girl, you!