lls_mutant | FIC: The Need to Apologize

Don't die of the shock... it's a fic! I know, I know.

It's a short one, and nothing I've been meant to be doing. However, it comes from a prompt from ages ago where Sirius had to deal with Marge when he was in dog form. I was in a bit of a silly mood today, so it got finished.

Heh. Poor Lily.

Title: The Need to Apologize
Rating: G, maybe PG for some language
Disclaimer: Standard
Other notes: Gen overall. Obviously James and Lily are attached, and you can read it that Sirius and Remus are together if you want, but it's not at all required.

Every glass jar in the kitchen had shattered, and a few tins had exploded too, just for good measure. The dishes were in shards and the glasses were now shrapnel in the walls. Lily stood in the center, coated in raspberry jam, diced tomatoes, and soy sauce, her hair matted with honey.

"Get. Out," she hissed, long and slow and dangerous.

Sirius just grinned at her, wiping a smear of vegetable oil from his cheek. "Come on, Lily. You’ve got to admit it was pretty funny."

"Uh-oh," Remus said to Peter as they (wisely) cowered under the table.

"Funny?" Lily said, her voice cracking with stress. "FUNNY? THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THIS! My dishes are destroyed, my glasses are irreparable, and all this food…! And the party is tonight! And you think this is FUNNY?"

Sirius shrugged. "Well, yeah."

"GET OUT!" she screeched, and only James’s hand gripping her wand and his arm pulling her back kept Sirius from becoming a human pincushion of some sort. "GET OUT!"

"You’d better go, mate," James confirmed, struggling to hold her back. "You, too," he said to Peter and Remus.

"Do you need help with-" Remus began, but James cut him off.

"Just get Padfoot out of here. That's the most help you can be." As Lily fired off a hex and Sirius ducked, Peter scurried over and grabbed Sirius by the arm. "We'll see you tonight."

"It really was pretty funny," Sirius defended himself as he was tugged out the door.

Remus and Peter rolled their eyes.

***

Three o'clock. James had slowly mended the plates, which took great concentration, and had ducked out for more glasses. Lily had scrubbed the kitchen back down again, but she was still fuming.

"Lily?" he said, very tentatively.

"What?" she snapped.

"He didn't mean it." Lily's glare cut off any further explanation. She was no idiot. "All right. But he didn't mean for it to be this much work for you. Sirius is just… he's like a big kid sometimes. He doesn't think."

Lily brushed sweat off her forehead. "He's immature."

"Yes."

"Inconsiderate."

"Yes."

"A complete prat that doesn't appreciate anything that isn't his, and doesn't appreciate half the things he has. An utter berk. He hasn't changed much since Hogwarts. He's a filthy, lying, stinking-"

"Lily." James's voice was low and even- a clear sign of annoyance.

"Egotistical, pampered, devil-may-care-"

"LILY!" James snapped. She sat back on her heels, eyes wide in surprise. "He might be all those things," James said through clenched teeth, "but he's still my best friend. All right?"

She seethed down to a low boil, her face flushed red and her knuckles clenched white. "All right," she finally said. "But I get revenge."

James was far too intelligent of a man to argue.

***

"You really should apologize," Remus told Sirius for the fifth time as they stood on the doorstep of the Potter's cottage.

"Why?" Sirius asked, also for the fifth time. "It was just a joke. She didn't even make me clean it up."

Remus shook his head.

James greeted them, dressed in his best Muggle clothes and looking none too thrilled. "Lily's still in a state," he warned Sirius as he let them in. "And she's recruited Peter."

"Ha! I'd like to see them try to take us on!" Sirius shrugged out of his leather jacket. "So who all's coming to this posh affair tonight?"

"The usual," James said. "Plus my parents and Lily's family."

"Lily's family?" Remus said, eyes widening in surprise.

"Yes. Her father, her sister and her husband, and his sister. And I'd really appreciate it if you two wouldn't scare the wits out of them." James fixed them both with his best Head Boy glare, which had absolutely no effect on either Sirius or Remus.

"We'll see," Sirius said, tossing his jacket. "Am I allowed back in the kitchen?"

"At your own risk."

Sirius strode into the kitchen anyway, leaving James and Remus behind and completely missing the look that passed between them.

The kitchen was unrecognizable from the war zone it had resembled when Sirius left that afternoon. The tile was gleaming, the countertops were perfectly clean… "and she even got the grout clean, finally!" Sirius exclaimed, examining the job. "See, Lily? I was actually a help. The kitchen has never shone like this. Maybe it's a secret property of vinegar or something that it cleans grout."

Lily smiled sweetly at him. "Maybe, Sirius. You should write books for witches, at this rate. Sirius Black's Housekeeping Tips and Recipes."

"Maybe," Sirius mused. "Maybe. What do you think, mate?" he asked Peter, who was sitting in a chair at the table, helping Lily letter place cards.

"It would be quite a source of income," Peter said seriously, concentrating on his calligraphy. "You could even include a chapter on pet care."

"Although your sofa is still covered with dog fur," Lily groused. "Last time I wore a yellow robe over there, I couldn't get the fur off for days."

"Put a small sticking charm on a piece of paper," Sirius said, sitting down and putting his boots on the table. "It's not that hard."

"It's still a pain," Peter sided with Lily. "Then you have to press it all over the thing. Have you tried a simple Accio?"

"Accio dog hair?" Lily said, brow wrinkled. "No. Have you?"

"Always meant to, but been too lazy."

"Which is why his mother still does his laundry for him."

Peter kicked Sirius under the table. "Git. Seriously, though, Lily. It should work."

"Hmm." Lily glanced up at the clock. "We could give it a try. Sirius, would you mind?"

"Not at all," Sirius said, perfectly happy to show off. He stood up and slipped into dog form.

Sirius was suddenly hit with four bolts of light. A warm, dizzying sensation swept over him, and suddenly he knew what had happened: he was trapped as a dog.

He whimpered, giving Peter his best puppy-dog eyed look. "Aw, come on Sirius," Peter said, grinning. "You're just going to be a dog all night. It's not that bad."

"Or it wouldn't be," James said, "if Vernon's sister Marge wasn't coming."

Sirius trembled.

"Ah yes. Vernon's sister Marge," Lily said, her face lighting with an unholy joy. "A fine woman, Sirius. You'll like her just fine. She has such an interest in dogs. I'm guessing she won't let you out of her sight all night. You'll be assessed, pawed, insulted because you're a mutt, groped, and examined. But you'll like her just fine. After all, haven't you always said you have a thing for mustaches?"

He whimpered again, and this time, the whine was real.

"He needs a name, though," James said. "Everyone knows that Sirius is a human, and people have heard us calling him Padfoot before."

"Fido?" Remus suggested.

"Laddie?" was Peter's contribution.

"How about Merlin?" James suggested.

"Oh no. No no no. You two," Lily waggled her fingers at Remus and Peter, "have no creativity and you," she jabbed her fiancé in the chest, "are too nice. Snookums."

The other three began to snicker. "Snookums," James choked. "I like it."

Sirius shrunk back under the table.

Remus sighed as he looked under. "I told you you should have apologized."

***

Snookums. Sirius spent the fifteen minutes of being confined in dog form with his chin dropped in his paws, pouting. It wasn't improved by the fact that Lily and James kept coming over to fondle his ears and scratch his stomach, cooing loudly over their new pet.

The worst was the stomach scratching, Sirius decided. The problem wasn't he hated it. The problem was he loved it. He couldn't resist it. A hand went near his stomach and there he was, flat on his back, legs sprawled, a willing and slobbering captive to whoever was rubbing. It was embarrassing. Dogs might not have any modesty, but contrary to popular belief Sirius did, and the idea of flailing like that, displaying everything in public, just wasn't one he really relished. And James and Lily were making him do it constantly.

Stupid James. Stupid Lily.

Then other people began to notice him.

The thing about pets, Sirius learned quickly, was that they were automatic conversation starters. Don't know what to talk about with this random person you don't really know? Talk about the pet! Neutral ground, easy territory, and sitting right there. And as Sirius listened, James and Lily (aided and abetted fully and enthusiastically by Remus and Peter) began spinning a tale of misdeeds that made even this old dog blush.

Chasing cats, chasing other dogs, chasing cars, chasing his own tail. Things he'd supposedly eaten, from trash to cough drops to one of Lily's old nylons. (Apparently it had gotten stuck halfway out and was swinging in the breeze, flapping in the opposing direction of his own tail.) Tales of dog stupidity. Sirius was very proud of his mind, and those hurt most of all.

And just for the record, Sirius thought as he listened, he had never humped anyone's leg.

But apparently Snookums had done all that, and more.

But nothing, not the indignity of yet another tummy rub that left him spread-eagled as half the Order watched, or Peter's wicked laughing tale of "Snookums" cornering a skunk was as horrifying as what walked in.

James was right about the mustache. But that was only the least of it. The woman was large, red-faced, utterly unattractive, and clearly loud. He knew her a little bit from James and Lily's stories, and had met her once, but that had been more than enough. Marge was close-minded and flat out rude to anyone vaguely involved with Lily, although of course, she didn't know the real reason behind the rift between Petunia and Lily. Sirius cringed into the corner.

This was going to be a long night.

***

The night was waning, and Lily was staring at him, her face white with fury, her lips pressed together. Sirius looked at her and wagged his tail, innocent and sweet as possible, curled under Marge's caressing hand.

Oh sure, at first it had been terribly embarrassing. Marge had performed all the inspections one would expect. She'd examined his teeth. She'd fondled his testicles. She'd thumbed through his coat. She'd commented on the fact he was a mutt, and she'd made some comments on size and shape and fitness that Sirius didn't feel were at all accurate. James and Lily looked pleased, and Peter and Remus were having a hard time stifling their laughter.

But there was something they'd all forgotten, and that was that Marge was a dog person.

Yes, she was completely annoying as a human being… if you were another human being. If you were a dog, however….

Well, Sirius had found a new friend.

He might be a mutt, Marge admitted, but he was still a fine one, good specimen. She knew exactly how to scratch ears, and that the chest was a great spot to be scratched as well. And she was tireless. Her nails were exactly right- not to long and pointy like Lily's, not too bitten like Remus's. And even better, she believed in food.

Lily was a good enough cook, and smart enough to visit the delicacies shop. Sirius had a weakness for some of the foods she'd laid out, and the first half hour had been depressing as he realized he'd be constantly shooed from the food table. But Lily and James hadn't reckoned with Marge.

Sirius had watched her fill two plates, whimpering softly and thinking it wasn't fair. It wasn't, until he found out Marge was one of those people who considered dogs nearly human and put one of the plates down in front of him. And so, Sirius was kept supplied with a plate of food and a saucer of tea (and even some brandy) through the entire night, despite Lily and James's protests. Marge even allowed him up on the sofa, and he rested his head in her lap as she stroked his ears all night.

She might not be the most attractive woman. She might be loud and red and obnoxious. But Marge Dursley knew how to treat a dog, and Sirius wasn't going to forget that.

***

It was late when the guests finally left. Lily, James, Peter, and Remus finally lifted the binding spell, allowing Sirius to transform back. He did, smiling at them insolently.

"Oof, I'm stuffed," he said, plopping down on the sofa. "Great spread, Lily."

"I can't believe you," Lily said, fuming, her arms crossed. "This was NOT how this was supposed to go."

"Next time, you might want to find someone who doesn’t like dogs," Sirius said, smug in his victory.

"Next time," Lily growled, "I'll force you to stay human and tell her you're interested. Only there won't be a next time, will there Sirius? You won't destroy my kitchen again."

"We'll see," Sirius said, putting his boots up on the coffee table and leaning back, arms behind his head, grinning at Lily's death glare.

Remus shook his head and grabbed Sirius by the scruff of his neck. "Come on, Padfoot. Let's leave these two before Lily comes up with something worse." He handed Sirius his leather jacket and pulled on his own.

It was cold outside, and their breath came in little puffs. "Only you, Pads," Remus said as they walked home. "Only you could have pulled that off."

"You're just jealous because she had a mustache," Sirius teased. "And because you had to make polite conversation all night as I got fed, pampered, and petted."

Remus smacked him upside the head. "No wonder you never apologize," he said, laughing. "You never need to, do you?"

Sirius just smiled.