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Mar. 15th, 2005 06:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lls_mutant**********
Dear Alphard-
Why is it that every time something good happens in my life, something comes along to change everything? Like I said, if there is a God He hates me. And now I know it for sure.
Because it’s one of my writing techniques. If something happy or funny happens, something rather traumatic either happened right before or will happen right after. (Not always, but I tend to be a little too predictable that way.)
This is the hardest letter I've ever written, but I need to tell someone and I can't tell my friends. Sirius is here, curled up as a dog at my feet. He knows I'm writing a letter, and he knows it's not easy, but he doesn't know who to or what about.
I'm never going to have sex. I've always told you that. You argue with me and say I'll change my mind, but it's true. I'm never going to do it.
But now I really want to, and it's with one of my friends. I only have three friends, and you've met them. You see the problem?
Yes, this is what Remus was so upset about in DTF. And while he’d never cry around the guys- Sirius included- I think it’s a safe bet that a 15 year old boy coming to this realization would probably shed a few tears like he did in DTF.
It scares me. I can't do this. I can't want this. My life will never be normal, and I knew that. I've known it since I was four. I won't do this.
Nothing's happened. No kissing, no fooling around. He doesn't even know I feel this way.
I don't want to feel this way.
I'm a werewolf! Isn't that bad enough already? I can take that. I've been that. I keep hoping one day it will go away, but I know it won't and I live with it every day.
Does this go away? Is it a phase? Can I find a way to make it right? Please, please, please... tell me this time there's a cure. Tell me I can make it all go away. Tell me it doesn't have to be this way. Please?
You know, a lot of people say “Why would you slash Remus and Sirius and add more misery to the lives of two already miserable men?” It’s times like this I can almost see their point.
However, I don’t count this as REAL angst. Sexual identity is something we all must come to terms with in one way or another. And sex in general is something we all make mistakes at. Remus actually has had a pretty nice love-life in my universe (until 1981). This is angsty a bit, yes, but it’s something that all non-straight people go through in some way, shape, or form and therefore doesn’t count as over-the-top angst to me. (Especially since Remus copes with it.) And for the record, I never thought of Remus’s relationship with Alex as angst. It’s just a typical teenage romance.
Remus
*
Dear Remus,
I know you're scared, and you have every right to be. It's a terrifying thing, to find yourself in "the other group."
I knew when I was fourteen. I was scared, like you are. I thought it was wrong. So many people tell you it is, and it's perverted and unnatural and you'll be an abomination.
But it's not a choice, Remus. How can it be? If you could choose, wouldn't you choose a nice, pretty girl that your parents would like, and the rest of the world would agree with? Who wants to live this way, always feeling like an outcast from most of society? I didn't want this either.
Which is why I never understand why some people think people “choose” to be gay. Who would choose the shit that comes along with it if they didn’t have to?
There is nothing I can say to make it go away. It won't. To tell you the truth, I've known it for a while about you. No potions, no charms... nothing can fight this. And I wouldn't fight it for you, because to change it is to change who you are. This is different from lycanthropy. This is something that is intrinsically you.
The consolation I offer you is this: you can still find love and happiness, even if the world doesn't approve. Just be smart enough to recognize it and never let it go.
Alphard
*
A-
How could you know?! Does that mean everyone knows? Is that why you write to me?
-R
*
Dearest Remus,
Please believe me when I say that this is not why I write to you. It never has been, and it never will be.
I started writing to you out of pure selfishness. You are the only werewolf I know, and I needed help. You were a child, I knew that, but you seemed so able to deal with it where I could not. I still look at you on the days we meet at the Registry and admire you. You cope. I can't.
There's a lot I've done in my life that I'm not proud of. Some of it I actually regret. Some I don't. But there are two promises I've always made myself: I will not kill as a werewolf, and I will not touch you. Not that way.
I wish I could say you are the son I never had. You're not. That's Sirius, and that's as it should be. But paternal is the closest way I can describe what I feel for you, even if it's not quite right.
Here’s were Alphard is REALLY questioning his own motives as well. Is he interested in Remus? He’s not quite sure, because he can’t put a label on it. He’s not- not really- but I think he is doubting his own intentions. Sometimes we do do things we wish we wouldn’t do, and deny it to ourselves. That’s definitely what Alphard is worried about here.
Alphard can say Remus is attractive. He can even say at this point he has some attraction to him. (And does, a little later.) But as I said earlier, Alphard never would actually act on it. But there’s a reason he felt it was necessary to make that promise, and that’s because there was some temptation somewhere in him.
Would Alphard have ever slept with Remus if I’d made things turn out differently? Yes, but only under very, very specific circumstances:
1.) Remus would have had to ask Alphard. Several times. Sober.
2.) It would have had to have been Remus’s first time, and he would have clearly wanted someone he trusted to guide him through it.
3.) Alphard would have had to be 100% positive that there was no interest between Sirius and Remus. He loves both of them, and I think Alphard did eventually want them to get together. But if he had been there first, that would have been a poison in that relationship.
I doubt anyone knows. I can't really tell you how I know... I just did. It takes one to know one, I guess.
This is who you are, like you have brown hair and look like your father, or that you're brilliant at Defense Against the Dark Arts and not-so-great at Potions. It changes nothing between us, and it really doesn't change much about you.
I think there were probably a lot of little clues- no mention of girls in what were otherwise emotionally intimate letters, Remus’s acceptance of Alphard’s homosexuality, and probably some questions that Remus thought were heavily veiled (but weren’t) that were in letters that we didn’t see. Not so sure I believe in vibes, but I think the clues were small enough that Alphard couldn’t necessarily articulate them.
I'd like to ask you to get together, but I don't want you to think it's for any reason like what you're already thinking. I just think you really need a friend who understands. And I do.
I love Alphard for this.
Let me know.
Alphard
*
A-
Same time, same place.
-R
*
Alphard was already waiting when Remus walked in. The boy's eyes were darting about nervously, he was even thinner than usual, and he looked as if he hadn't slept in weeks. Alphard remembered his own first days of coming out and thought that it was probably an accurate observation.
Remus approached tentatively, and it was all Alphard could do not to stand up and hug him. He wanted to, but he knew that Remus would worry that the embrace was something more than the comfort of a friend. Although Alphard wouldn't be able to take veritserum and say he had no attraction whatsoever to Remus, he would be able to say he had no desire at all to act on it. Instead, he smiled and gestured for Remus to sit across from him.
"Are you okay?"
"What do you think?" Remus snapped irritably. "No. I'm not. Not at all." He put his head in his arms. "This sucks."
I know that’s not 1970’s Brit slang. But it was so eloquent and teenagerish, I couldn’t change it.
Alphard chuckled. "I know lad. It does."
Remus looked at him with wide eyes. "So what do I do now?"
Alphard shrugged. "You go on. You live life. One day you'll fall in love, and then it will all make complete sense."
"No I won't. I'm not going to fall in love. I'm not going to have sex."
"You will some day."
"No. I won't. I've always known that, and now it's just worse. I am never going to do it. Never."
I think Remus is still grossed out and scared by the concept of sex here. Can you blame him at this age and point in his life?
"Don't shut yourself off like that, Remus. You already said you were interested-"
"He's not." Remus's cheeks were red.
"Do you know that for sure?"
"He can't be. What are the odds? He's not."
"Which one is it?" Remus didn't answer. "Sirius?"
Remus dropped his head on the table again with a dull thud. "I really am bloody obvious," he said to the table. "I should just... I don't know... quit now."
"Remus... Remus, it's not that obvious."
Yes it is. At least if you’re looking for it.
"YOU know!"
"I'd venture that I know you better than most people!"
"But not Sirius!"
"Remus, trust me. Sirius is a fifteen year old boy with problems of his own. Unless you spell it out or hit him over the head with a steel girder, he will not notice."
Hehe. Sorry to any guys reading this, but I couldn’t resist that line. Question. I wanted to use the phrase 2x4, but those are inches and they don’t use English in England. What do the Brits call a 2x4? (I also skipped “baseball bat”, which was my second choice.)
Remus sighed, but sat up again. He leaned his chin on his hand, and looked out the window, thinking. Finally, the question Alphard knew was coming came. "Do you think I would have a chance? With Sirius?"
"I don't know, to be honest. James I'd say no, Peter's a definite no, but Sirius I can't get a reading on."
Remus shook his head. "The last thing I need to do is get my hopes up."
"It doesn't matter anyway," Alphard said craftily. "You're not going to have sex, remember?" Remus turned red and stared at the table and muttered something. "What was that again?" Alphard asked.
"I might if it was Sirius."
I was very happy with Remus’s reaction here, because that’s exactly the way I felt when I started transitioning into sexual awareness. It was still gross- like Remus is showing a few minutes ago- but put it in the right context and maaaaaaybeee….
Why does so much of fandom make the teens so sexually mature? It’s so much more fun to do it the real way.
Alphard smiled. "When the right person comes along, Remus, you'll do it."
Remus sighed. "Hey, can I ask you something?"
"That's what I'm here for."
"Have you heard that thing about werewolves mate for life?"
"Yes, and it's a load of crap. I've had a few partners since the bite, and trust me, there's no magical bond or the like."
Can you tell I hate the “werewolves mate for life” cliché? I really, really, really hate it.
Remus heaved a sigh of relief.
"But Remus...."
"Yes?"
"Some people, just because of the way they approach sex, they feel bound to that first partner for a long time. I can see you being like that. Sex isn't casual to you, or you wouldn't be so worried about it. That's not a bad thing," he hastily reassured the boy, "but it's something you should be aware of. You only get one chance at the first person. Don't rush into it, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life." Remus looked troubled, and Alphard patted his hand. "You're fifteen, Remus. That's still awfully young. Take your time with sex, and wait until you're sure you're ready. Don't rush it."
Yes, this is Lissa very aware that younger kids are reading it. And she is writing it because in her experience it is TRUE. I really wish the emotional consequences of sex were addressed a LOT more in fandom, because they do exist- even if people ignore them for a while.
Remus nodded uncertainly.
"I do have something for you though," Alphard said, handing a book across the table.
"Household Pests: How To Combat Them?" Remus read, scrunching his nose.
The title was a reference to the book Sirius found on Raising Children in a Dark Home back in Deny thy Father.
"Open it up."
Remus did. His eyes widened as he stared at the pictures, which Alphard knew were in full motion and color. "This is... it's..."
Gotta love wizarding porn.
"Yes."
"If I'm caught with this...."
"Thus the deceptive jacket. Remus, they aren't going to rummage through your nightstand looking for gay sex manuals. It will answer some questions for you, I'm sure."
"Thanks." Remus put the book in his lap.
"If you have any other questions... write me any time."
"Will I get through this? That's the only question I have right now."
Alphard reached out and squeezed Remus's hand. "You will. I'll help you."
Another ending I really, really like. This is EXACTLY what Remus needed to hear… and it’s completely true.
*
Dear Alphard-
Thanks for meeting with me the other night. It helped. I'm still not feeling too great about the whole thing, but at least I slept last night and I'm eating again, so that's good.
One of the things that annoys me is I make Remus not eat when he’s really upset. I think this fits in okay, but sometimes I think I make him do this because I do the exact opposite. When I’m upset I go for the comfort food, and I really wish I didn’t.
I did look at the book a bit, but I think I'm just not going to think about it right now. I'm going to forget it and forget I feel this way about Sirius. I'm just going to forget everything. It's easier that way.
Thanks again.
Remus
*
Dear Remus-
Anytime. And you won't be able to forget. I'll tell you once more and then I'll drop the subject: it's a part of who you are and it's not something you can control. And it will be fine.
Anyway. I'm headed back to China in a few days. This time I'm going to Qufu in the providence of Shandong, where Confucius was born. It should be very interesting. I'll be back for Christmas, but as always an owl will find me there.
Speaking of Christmas, Sirius is coming to stay for the full moon that's around then. I hope you don't mind. If you do, let me know and we'll work something out.
This is more commentary for Deny Thy Father, but the scene where Sirius came and stayed with Alphard really didn’t come out the way I wanted it to. I’m sitting here wondering what I was expecting, and I think that’s exactly why it didn’t come out. Oh well.
Alphard
*
Dear Alphard-
I already knew Sirius was coming for the full moon, because I suggested it to him. I'd love it if he could stay with me, but for about eighteen obvious reasons, that's out. I hope it works as well for you as it does for me.
Gah. Every now and then Remus gets a little Lissa in his voice. The “eighteen obvious reasons” is SO me- and it’s also more Sirius to me than Remus.
One thing I have to tell you though. I've never let them see the transformation, either way. It's just too much for them to see that. I know Sirius really wants to, but I can't bear to let him see what it's really like. Anyway, just thought you should know.
I'm going home for Christmas. I kind of wanted to have Peter and his family over; I know last Christmas was really hard for them. But Peter said they need to stay home for at least one of the major holidays and get used to it being this way, because it's never going to change. I didn't know quite what to say to that, especially since he's right.
Why does “kind of” keep coming up as a grammar error on my grammar check? It just suggests “rather” instead. Granted, as I read it “rather wanted to have Peter stay” reads more British than “kind of wanted to have Peter stay”. Huh. Maybe my grammar checker has a point.
I'm glad Sirius is coming to your house. James, Peter and I are really worried about him. I know I shouldn't speak badly of your family, but I wish he didn't have to go home at all. He hardly ever talks about it, but we all know it's not good.
Sorry I sound so maudlin. It's just... it's just. You know exactly what it is.
Have a good Christmas,
Remus
**********
Funding made so many decisions slower than they had to be. The person that was supposed to assist Diggory didn't show up until a year and a half later than planned. The only thing that moved slower than molasses in the winter was government, Alphard thought sourly. Although he didn't like Lord Voldemort, he privately admitted that at least a dictatorship got things done. But finally, on a hot summer day after Remus's fifth year, a new Official appeared in the office.
Alphard was sitting in the waiting room, flipping through a magazine. Damien Lupin was sitting across from him with his wife Marilyn. Marilyn was pretending (badly) that she was engrossed in an article filled with symbols, and Damien was chewing on the inside of his cheek. As always, sympathy for the pair welled within him.
"What are you reading?" Alphard asked Marilyn.
Again, I had this idea that Alphard really liked Marilyn a lot. Doesn’t really come across here.
I do seem to think that Muggles would have some access to certain parts of the Wizarding World. They seem to at St. Mungo’s, anyway, so it made sense that at least something like the Werewolf Registry would be accessible.
Her laugh was thin and brittle. That alone told him she was nervous. "Just an article for my research. Rather badly written, I'm afraid. The review process for this journal leaves something to be desired."
I’m having a lot of fun writing researchers at times.
Alphard was about to respond when he heard a deep voice from the other side of the wall, booming. The words were indistinct but the message was clear, and Damien's scowl deepened. To his surprise, a younger tenor voice began shouting back, and then there was a loud crack. The entire waiting room- the entire Registry Office- filled with a thick blue smoke that left them all coughing.
The office was in chaos for the next half-hour, and Alphard only got a glimpse of his young friend leaving, face white and his father's arm clamped firmly around his shoulders. It was only when he went in for his own appointment that he understood.
The man sitting across from his was flustered and red, with hard angry eyes and rich robes. It didn't take a master of divination to know that he wasn't happy to be here. It was also a face Alphard vaguely recognized: Alvin McNair. One of the pureblooded, aristocratic McNairs, and likely serving time in the Werewolf Registry Office as a demotion. McNair's eyes were brutally cold as he studied Alphard.
Like how I misspelled Macnair? Sheesh. Yes, he’s supposed to be related to the Macnair of Potterdom. Older brother. Why can’t I remember his name? Walden or something like that?
"What did you say to Remus?" Alphard demanded.
"I believe that is of a confidential nature, Black." McNair's eyes glittered. "But I trust that, being a higher class of person, you will heed what I am telling you. The Ministry has long been too soft with creatures like you, and the world is changing. Regulations will be changing, and you will find that your kind will step in line or be exterminated."
By “higher class of person”, Macnair is referring to the fact that Alphard is a pureblood, and Remus is a half-blood. Yeah, the guy’s a Death Eater. What were you expecting?
Despite himself, Alphard felt shame was welling inside him. Shame to be what he was, shame to know there was no defense to offer; he was everything that McNair would say.
Ahh. Here’s an indication of why Alphard does what he does at the end. Remus denies that he is a werewolf in his actions- he does his damndest to be human at all times. Alphard does not exercise that control. He believes, deep down, what the propaganda says, and he doesn’t really fight it.
"The Ministry is displeased," McNair continued. "Dark Creatures are flocking to You-Know-Who every day. It's in their nature and it's not a surprise, but it puts normal people at risk. Therefore, new regulations concerning the actions and everyday life of your kind will be put into effect."
"Ah, McNair. You do realize that several Dark Creatures are turning to Voldemort because he offers them their rights?"
I so wanted Alphard to say “Well, DUH!”
"The right to run free and feed at night? The right to kill innocent civilians?" McNair's face was lit with a sort of unholy joy. "Those are the very acts we are trying to prevent, Black."
So, maybe the purpose of some of this was to set up where I’ve been going in Accidentally In Love…. (If you can’t guess the lack of werewolf rights is going to play in to the plot, you have very little faith in me.)
Alphard sighed and slumped defiantly in his chair. "Goodie. Well, roll them on out, McNair."
"I knew you'd be sensible," McNair replied, smug... and relieved. A fifteen year old boy was easy to bully; a grown pureblooded wizard with a known talent for the Dark Arts was not. Alphard only half-listened to the regulations, using all of his energy to hate the man before him.
*
Dear Remus,
No preamble today. Are you all right? I heard McNair yelling through the walls. What happened?
Alphard
*
Alphard-
I apologize for presuming to write to you in Remus's place, but Remus has not said a word for the past few days, and I have other concerns as well.
I'm not sure how the argument began, but McNair wants to bring Remus up before the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures. He firmly believes that Remus should be put down, and told him so in no uncertain terms. Remus had the audacity to argue back, and McNair subdued him, although I'm not sure how. The smoke was from unplanned magic on Remus's part, brought on by the stress of the situation.
I know we have had our differences, but I admit that you have been a great help to Remus. I've known about your correspondence for some time now (although Remus does not know this), and I must thank you as well. I also must ask you a favor. I do not have enough influence or power to get McNair out of the Registry Office. Can you help me with this?
I’m reading this, and some nagging little voice is telling me I had plans for this plotline that fizzled. I wish I could remember what they were. Hmmm. I know there was a reason I removed McKinnon, who was sympathetic, and replaced him with Macnair, but what was it? It’s been so long since I wrote Mentors that I don’t remember exactly. I think I needed a Death Eater somewhere near Remus for something I want him to do in AIL.
Oh! I remember! I wanted Remus really out of it and down at a bad time in Sirius’s life for DTF purposes. And because it was obviously important in Remus’s lycanthropic arc, I had to address it here as well.
I also feel that I should tell you your nephew Sirius showed up at our house this weekend unannounced. We're certainly willing to host him, but the boy shows signs of mistreatment and abuse. I am not sure if there is anything you can do; I am well aware that the law does not permit werewolves to be the guardians of children, but I thought you should know.
This I remember. I wanted Damien to express his concern for Sirius, and to show that he does know Alphard and Remus write. That was important for Part II of Accidentally In Love.
Take care,
Damien Lupin
*
Dear Alphard,
Well, Dad said he wrote to you. I guess he's going nuts about Sirius as well, not that I can blame him. Is there anything you can do for Sirius?
I guess Dad told you about what McNair wants. It's not that I'm worried. I know they won't let him do it. I haven't done anything wrong and Dumbledore's not going to let them. But it was just hearing it like that. I haven't really heard it since... I think since I was eight or nine, I don't remember. I don't want to remember.
Peter and James and Sirius have been great, and Dumbledore has been beyond that, and they're the only ones at school who know. Some days I forget that not everyone is like them. Well, no. I don't like my Defense teacher that well and Binns absolutely hates me, I can tell, even though he doesn't say it. But sometimes I expect everyone to act like the others. Don't know why. I just do.
Aha! THIS was the other reason!
Remus has been exposed as a werewolf to very few people at this point in his life, and many of them have been sympathetic. Because he was a young child before Hogwarts his parents bore most of the burden of prejudice and hate, and once he was at Hogwarts very few people knew. It’s lulled him a bit, made him feel secure. I needed him shocked out of that security, partly so the Prank would work as it did in my world, and partly because I needed to keep an atmosphere of oppression and hate around Remus.
Did McNair say anything to you?
Remus
*
Dear Remus-
No, but I'm a fully qualified wizard and he knows I'd best him in a duel with one hand tied behind my back.
However, he didn't say a word to me that wasn't required either. He's definitely not like Diggory or McKinnon. I miss McKinnon.
I do think I’m kind of inconsistent though. I fully admit I don’t have a very good grip on the character of Alvin Macnair. Heck, I didn’t even spell his NAME properly in this fic!
What he did say is that the Ministry is worried that werewolves are flocking to Voldemort. Well, they should be. Not all of us are quite so willing to subject ourselves to monthly self-torture, and beyond that, Voldemort is willing to give us rights. I'd be tempted, but the fact is I don't trust Voldemort further than I can throw him. A wizard's willingness to use Dark Arts means one thing: he's out for himself, and for power. Voldemort will give werewolves rights as long as we are useful to him. The day we aren't is the day we lose everything we've gained, and probably end up either in Azkaban or executed as well. Thanks, but I'll stay on this side for a while.
I did like this, because I wondered why Alphard wouldn’t go over to Voldemort. After all, he DOES believe in pureblood/Muggle segregation, and at this point Voldie isn’t too powerful yet. Not enough to phase Alphard, anyway. But you can see (I hope_ that he doesn’t hate Voldemort- it’s more that he doesn’t trust him. If he could be assured that Voldemort could be trusted, I think Alphard would have gone over. If he’d lived long enough.
As for Sirius... there's not much I can do until he's seventeen. He knows he's welcome here, but I cannot be his legal guardian- you know why. I cannot try to take him from Arden and Elizabeth. The most I can do is tell him he's always got a spot to stay here. Although from what I understand he stays with James and knows he can come to you, so I don't expect to see him much.
I write to him, and he sometimes writes back. When he does he writes long letters, but I know he's busy. I miss him. It's funny that I don't feel the same for Regulus, but then Regulus was never quite like Sirius. Or maybe it's just because he's like Arden. Or close to Arden. Or something.
An interesting question here: Remus is obviously closer to Alphard than Sirius is. So why does Alphard leave Sirius money, but leaves nothing for Remus?
It’s not the laws. Werewolves can inherit in my world, and that will be important later. I think it’s mainly because a.) Sirius is blood, and b.) Remus has his own parents. At the time of Alphard’s death, Remus is safe and protected. Sirius is not.
We need to get back onto happier subjects. What are you doing with your summer?
Alphard
*
Dear Alphard-
I'm afraid I'm not doing much. Dad has gone psychotic again, and isn't too keen on letting me out of the house. He did let me visit the Pettigrews for a weekend, and he let me go over to James's for a day, but that's been it. I'm going insane from the boredom.
Gods, I’m long-winded.
I want to tell him to back off and let me go do something. But I know he's worried with the way people are disappearing these days. He remembers too much of when I was little and people knew, and with these wonderful new fashion-setting tattoos we got he's even more afraid someone will see. Like I'd be so stupid to show it.
Oh yeah, meant to tell you, Mum completely lost it over the tattoo. I didn't think it was a big deal; so we have our numbers tattooed on our forearms, right? Yeah, well, Mum pointed out that that's what the Nazis did to the Jews during the Holocaust and then cried off and on for two days straight. Charming thought, Mum, thanks.
Interesting that Remus getting his tattoo never shows up in DTF, even though I’ve had that thought for a long time. I guess it has to do again with Sirius’s thoughts again. Remus didn’t exactly advertise.
I haven't heard a word from Sirius since he's been here either. We didn't talk much- he came at full moon and I knew something was bothering him, so I tried to stay quiet- but it's not like Sirius to hold that against me. Can you check on him when you get the chance? I'm worried.
I can't wait for school to start again. Between Dad fussing and Mum crying and not being able to see my friends, I'm going to go insane. Oh well. At least it gets my mind off being gay, right?
HELP.
Heh. Like I said, I love Remus with a sense of humor. Especially a dry, sarcastic one.
A desperate Remus
*
R-
Help is on the way. Wear your dress robes. We'll be there at 7:00 to pick you up.
-A
*
Remus was sitting in his best robes, watching the clock. The navy blue fabric felt stifling to him in the summer's heat, but worse was the depressed atmosphere of the house. His father was sitting in his chair, reading the paper and swearing softly. His mother was outside, hiding in the garden. Don't let him forget, Remus pleaded silently. Let him get here soon. Please please ple-
The doorbell rang, startling the silent household.
Remus jumped up gratefully, practically running to the door. When he opened it, he burst into a fit of laughter.
Alphard was standing in front of him, best black dress robes resplendent in the evening light. He wore a top hat and a monocle, and glanced down his nose at Remus with his best haughty pureblood expression.
On his arm was a woman, which might have been shocking if Remus didn't recognize her immediately as Professor McGonagall. She was wearing red, fitted robes that were indeed flattering, and her hair was down. They actually looked very nice together, Remus thought.
I think my version of McGonagall and Alphard would have been a good couple, if I’d at least made him bi. Oh well.
"Ah, Damien, good sir," Alphard bowed to Remus's father, who'd come to the door to see what the fuss was about. "We have decided to play 'the happy family goes to the theater', and appear to be lacking a child. Might we steal your son away for the night? I promise we will return him."
Damien smiled. The smile was tired and wary, but it was a smile nonetheless. "All right," he said, looking from wizard to professor. "He should be safe with you."
"He'll be fine," Professor McGonagall reassured him. "Come along, Lup- I mean, Remus." Remus's eyes met Alphard's, and they both grinned.
The theater was spectacular. Remus had never been, and the show had him held breathless. But even more entertaining were Alphard and McGonagall. Alphard had decided they were now from a wealthy pureblooded wizarding family from Germany. He adopted a false accent, calling himself Franz, and Professor McGonagall became Helga. Remus was amused as they introduced him as their son Augustus.
It was beyond silly as they mingled with some of the purest bloods in the land. Surely some of them had to have recognized Alphard, if not Minerva. But aside from a few snotty glances, there was nothing but the pomposity of the upper class and the magic of the show. Remus sat watching with his arms folded on the wall of the balcony, eyes shining.
They went to the Leaky Cauldron after, sitting at a small table in the corner and discussing the show at great length as they ate dessert and drank. To Remus's vast amusement, Alphard bought him a pint of Guinness, insisting that he try it and claiming that he'd gotten Sirius drunk of firewhiskey when he was only twelve. It was the first mention of life outside their little pretend family and the fantasy of the theater.
Suddenly, Remus realized what this was all about. It was a night of make-believe, a night of pretend. A night where they could be who they should have been, and escape whatever they were running from. A night to be normal.
He didn't know what Professor McGonagall was hiding, or what secrets she kept or what she wanted to forget. He didn't want to know, and she didn't tell. It was enough, just for tonight, to be lost in this world of pretend.
Several people have asked me about McGonagall. The answer is- I don’t know either. I think we’re going to learn a lot more about Minerva McGonagall in canon, and didn’t want to tread on that. (Something I’ve obviously discarded in Accidentally in Love.) But I think she might be hiding some sort of secret.
Okay, okay. In my little reality, McGonagall had a husband and children, and they were killed at some point- probably in DD’s first war with whatshisface. Grindwald or whatever. Anyway, McGonagall sort of “adopted” Snape when he came to school. His turning back to the good side came when the Death Eaters were supposed to attack her. He rescued her and brought her back to Hogwarts. In this version, the relationship between them is VERY much mother-son.
Of course, my original thought was they were going to get together. But then I found out their ages, and I can’t see 70-year old McGonagall having a 34-year old boy toy in Snape.
"He's happy tonight, isn't he?" Remus had murmured to Minerva as Alphard had gone up to the bar to get drinks.
"We all are," she agreed wistfully, unlike the stern, rigid teacher he knew. He knew she would be that same professor again when he saw her next, and this was a night outside time, but he treasured it all the same.
Even his parents seemed more relaxed when Alphard and Minerva returned him home. His father hugged him tight and his mother smiled a real smile, and as he saw the crumpled lemon sherbet packets Remus supsected Dumbledore had been here. But he let his mother tuck him in and his father sit beside the bed, despite the fact he was almost sixteen.
Everyone needed a little fantasy, a little time to pretend they were normal. Remus's parents too.
**********
Dear Alphard,
I'm not sure how to write this. I don't even want to write this. But I need to, because I've written to you about everything and especially about Sirius, and this is big. Sirius told someone else how to get into the Shrieking Shack. I nearly killed him, but James got him away, and then I guess I nearly killed myself.
He says he wasn't thinking. I believe that. I know he didn't mean it. I know it didn't mean anything. And that's what makes it so bad- it meant nothing.
This is why this fic actually got written.
It's been seven days since I came round, and every day it hurts more to not have him in my life. I'm mad at him. I hate him right now, but I still love him. I only have him and Peter and James here, and I don't know what to do. It's not fair.
I want to forgive him. I want it to all go away. I want it to have never happened, or for it to mean as little to me as it does to him. How do I do it? Can't you tell me? Please?
I can't get out of being a werewolf. I can't get out of being gay. Please tell me I can get out of losing my best friend.
Remus
*
Dear Remus,
And this was the letter that’s been in my head from the beginning. This is another instance of Lissa speaking and basically saying “THIS is why Remus could forgive Sirius. Because he came to this realization.”
I've always been grateful that we correspond by letter. Sometimes it is easier to write your thoughts down than to talk about them, even to a good friend. But today I am grateful for a different reason.
I can not express how sorry I am that you are going through this. You're right, it is not fair. It shouldn't have happened, and I can understand your sense of betrayal. You said you wanted something to make you believe that it can still work, and you can still be friends. Unfortunately Remus, I know exactly what to tell you, and that's why I am glad I have to write it in a letter, because you will not like it.
Yes, he does not understand what it is to be a werewolf. But the simple fact, dear Remus, is you do not understand what it is to be normal.
Ouch, ouch, ouch, OUCH! But he’s right.
I know I am rubbing salt in your wounds. But you have spent your entire life as a werewolf. You are painfully aware of every aspect of it. Now you cope with the burden of your sexuality as well. Nothing is easy for you.
But I've lived on the other side. I spent all but the last six years of my life as normal. Even being homosexual is not as hard for me as it is for you. I know what it feels like to not even think about lycanthropy. You do not.
He doesn't understand. How can he? He's never had to live with it, and you've never let him see it. He's never seen the transformation. He's never seen the damage you can do. He sees an exciting and dangerous playmate and grafts your personality onto the wolf. He doesn't know how wrong he is because you never let him know.
I'm not saying he has the right to see it. But if you want him to understand, you have to tell him. You have to find your voice, and you have to let him know he's gone too far. You have to explain. You have to teach. You have the choice: you don't have to do this and you can walk away. But if you want Sirius to see what he's done, then you need to show him.
Until he met you, Sirius never knew or cared or thought about werewolves. And you never had to think about what it might be like to have parents that don't love you, that put their agenda above your welfare. You both learn each other gradually, and you both make mistakes.
If this is what you want, Remus, you will find a way to make it happen. I hope you do.
This is my favorite Alphard letter in this. It came out almost exactly how I wanted it. Whoohoo!
Love,
Alphard
*
Dear Remus,
I haven't heard from you, but I wanted to let you know I got a letter from Sirius. His hand must have been shaking when he wrote it, because I can barely read the words. But I gather you showed him.
I'm proud of you.
The frustration for me here is that I was- and still am- very, very pleased with Part VI of Deny Thy Father. I think it’s the strongest part overall and I love it. This side of the fic just doesn’t do it justice, and there was no way to come up against what I wrote for Sirius’s side.
Alphard
*
Dear Alphard-
You're right. I showed him. I hated every second of it, but I showed him. He hated every second of it too. Good.
I feel terrible saying that now, actually. You were right, even though I wanted to hit you for saying it when I got your letter. I don't know what it is to be normal- not for real. Only a few vague memories and a few isolated nights.
The upside, I suppose, is that I no longer have a crush on Sirius. But I feel like we understand each other better, and you were right about standing up to him, too. God, I was so scared when I told him what I wanted, but he agreed. It's funny, I never realized how little I trust him and James and Peter not to turn tail and run. It's like I've asked them to put up with so much already that if I asked for anything more it would be too much. But I never hesitate when they want or need something. Faith's a funny thing, isn't it?
I am a firm believer in the idea that the Prank (TM!) was GOOD for Sirius and Remus’s relationship. In the Pensieve, we see Remus-the-pushover. In OotP, we see a much more dominant Remus… at least in regards to Sirius. When did he change? Why? I think the shift was gradual, but I think this is the event that put it in motion.
And they needed it. Before, Sirius most definitely had the power in the relationship, and I don’t think it was healthy for either of them. Now, Remus has found his voice and will speak up, and discovers that Sirius won’t leave him if he asks for something. It’s much better this way, and I think it’s what can make them the equals they really are in Accidentally In Love (and in canon) rather than SIRIUSandremus.
Anyway, Sirius says I should show James and Peter the whole thing too, and I will, next full moon. It still scares me, but maybe it will be okay.
Remus
*
Dear Alphard-
I haven't heard back from you yet, but I'm guessing you've heard and I wanted to see how you were doing: Sirius ran away from home tonight.
I just got back from James's place- that's where he went. My father, of course, completely flipped out that I was going to speak to Sirius after what he did a month ago, but tough. Some things are more important than others, and Dad can get over it on his own time. But Sirius looked terrible. He was white and shaking and he didn't even really look at any of us and... Alphard, he cried. I have never, ever- even last month- seen Sirius really cry. Yeah, a tear here or there, but not like this. He just put his head down on the table and cried for like a half hour.
Again, just doesn’t compare to Deny Thy Father. ::Sigh::
He's not hurt at all- his dad didn't hit him this time. In fact, it sounds like the whole thing was very calm. But he said his mother blasted his name off the family tapestry. Apparently that's a huge deal? Peter and I didn't really know what he was talking about, but James sure did. But it sounded bad.
He's going to stay with the Potters for the holidays and the summer. It sounds awful, but I'm glad he left home. I wish... I don't know what I wish, except that he had the kind of family he should have. But I think he does.
I know it's over the pureblood versus Muggle stuff, and there's something else big too, but he wouldn't tell me what it was. Not that it's hard to guess- I'm sure his parents had something to say about last month. But please... don't tell him I wrote you when you write to him or see him or whatever. I shouldn't have even written, but I thought you should be forewarned.
Obviously, the something else big was the way they reacted when they found out Remus was a werewolf. I understand why people do the “Sirius was gay and that made a rift” thing, but I think he would have told Harry that. Sirius keeps information from Harry, but he never deliberately lies. Plus, I think shifting the focus of that rift to Sirius’s sexuality undermines the rift and the canon reasons and the theme of JKR’s novels.
Merry Christmas
Remus
*
Dear Remus-
I've just come from the Potter's house. Sirius is back to being Sirius, as if nothing is wrong- at least in front of the Potters. Of course, no one is fooled, but we all pretended to be.
I'm going to tell you now, so should anything unexpected happen you know and can help Sirius fight it: I rewrote my will after last Christmas to leave the lot to Sirius, instead of dividing it among all of my great-nieces and nephews. With Sirius disowned and myself a werewolf, I have doubts that if anything happens to me that will will be carried out. I don't know how much you'll be able to do, given our ever-tightening restrictions, but if you can keep this letter I would appreciate it.
When he's of age, I plan on giving him some help. Right now, he's best off at the Potters. For one, he can not legally stay with me. But more than that, the Potters can give him the stability he needs. A gay great-uncle who also happens to be a werewolf can not.
I don't agree with everything he believes, but I suppose you're the last person I should tell that to. Regardless, I do respect his opinions. Honestly though Remus, I'm confused and hurt.
This was so hard to do because I knew Alphard didn’t know how to deal with it. How do you explain your anger to someone who is a product of what you hate? Alphard’s views are thrown into question again here, and he doesn’t know how to handle it. And for that matter, neither did I. :P
I've lied and hid and sacrificed who I am all my life. I've never done it so I could remain in society; I've done it to stay a Black. To stay in this family. I can't understand how Sirius can turn his back and walk away so easily. But then I don't have to live with Arden- I just have to call him family. And I can't tell him, because I've hoped from that Christmas third year when I saw Arden strike him that Sirius would leave the house. It sounds strange to want two different things, but I do.
Hope your New Year is better than mine,
Alphard
*
Dear Alphard-
Well, we're back at school. Everyone survived the holidays, and it's good to be back. Sirius seems to be doing okay. He doesn't talk about it at all, at least not to me. I think he might to James though. I hope he does.
Can I ask you a question? It seems horribly inappropriate with everything else going on right now, but maybe it's the right thing to do since us talking about Sirius gets no one anywhere. I was kind of wondering about bottoming. I know, I know. From huge things like Sirius running away to something as stupid as my non-existent and never-will-be sex life, but I keep meaning to ask and there's never a good time. So I might as well take the worst time possible. Does it hurt to bottom? Not that I plan on doing it anytime soon. But I just wanted to know.
I just really wanted to get this question in. But Remus DOES have a point. You can only talk about these things for so long, and what they needed in this situation they could NOT get from each other. Ooh, there’s an interesting theme- accepting the limitations of your friendships.
Remus
*
Dear Remus-
Okay, yes, that was a surprise, but I think you have a good point about getting on with life, because you're right that there's nothing we can do.
Yes. So. Bottoming, Mr. I'm-Never-Going-To-Have-Sex. I'm not much of a bottom myself, to be honest. Not because it's uncomfortable, but just because. Not all men are one or the other, but I do prefer to top. Nevertheless, any good top knows what's good for a bottom.
It will be uncomfortable for you until you get used to it. Hell, it will probably be downright painful. Go slow, go heavy on the lube, and if it's something you're sure you want to do, get a little bit drunk. Once you get it right, believe me, it's incredibly intense. Lay on your stomach the first time; it's much easier. And be absolutely sure you're comfortable with your partner.
I don't know why I worry about you as much as I do on that point. Yes, I do. Partly because I don't want to see you make a mistake you regret, and partly because I am worried you will. I know I've said this to you before, but Remus, don't rush into sex. And don't do it for acceptance, it's not worth it. Wait until you're ready for sure. Just be careful.
Okay, this was Lissa speaking to fandom again. One, from what I understand from gay guys I’ve discussed this with, Alphard is RIGHT. That on-the-back-staring-into-each-other’s-eyes thing? Very hard on a first timer. And second, I really do have a thing about waiting for sex.
Love,
Alphard
**********
Remus read Alphard's latest letter at the breakfast table, grinning at the vivid descriptions of Alphard's latest trip to Vietnam and trying not to blush at the frank sexual advice. He was eager for the end of the day; eager to write and tell Alphard about his classes, Sirius and James's latest adventure, and the interesting Slytherin prefect that had started sitting next to him much more frequently during Arithmancy. He had just folded the letter and put it away when a shadow fell over their table.
Hehe. Spot the Alex Sommers mention?
"Mr. Lupin. May I have a word?"
Remus glanced back at his friends, who shrugged. "Yes sir," he said, following the Headmaster from the Great Hall. Logic told him he wasn't in trouble; McGonagall would be marching James and Sirius out by their ears if that was the case. But instinct told him this couldn't be good, especially as Dumbledore led him into his office.
"A letter arrived for you today." Dumbledore said slowly after they were seated.
For some reason, I find Dumbledore very hard to write dialogue for. He has a distinct pattern to his speech, and I haven’t really cracked it yet. Probably because he’s not one of my favorite characters.
"My parents?" Remus asked anxiously.
"No. No my boy, they're fine." Dumbledore steepled his fingers and leaned back, watching Remus over them. "Alphard Black."
Remus's heart stopped. There were more secrets in those letters than the Headmaster would approve of, he was sure of that, even if he was a seventh year now and about to turn seventeen. "Sir, I can explain."
Or seventeen already, now that we know what we do about wizarding birthdays, Hogwarts, and Remus being a Pisces. He got a fall birthday because I’m a fall baby.
Dumbledore's eyebrows rose. "I do not find explanations necessary, Remus. At least, not pertaining to this matter." He smiled briefly, and then sighed heavily, picking up a sealed roll of parchment. "I have not read the letter Mr. Black has written to you, although it was suggested I do so. I have only read the letter accompanying it, from the Werewolf Registry Office."
Hmmm. Notice how EVERYTHING comes from the WRO?
He didn't need to open the letter to know the news. "Oh no."
Dumbledore handed him the letter. "Should you wish to go, I will take you there immediately, and you will be excused from your afternoon classes. Should you wish to decline, I will understand." He turned his head away to give Remus some measure of privacy.
I wrote from here on to the end before I wrote a lot of the rest of this fic.
Normally, I try to write in order. I’ve done it out of order before and I find that it can be difficult to patch things together. But Mentors got written in any order that it came to my head. Personally, I think the fic reflects this, but very few people seem to have commented.
Remus opened the parchment with shaking fingers. The words blurred before him as he read:
Dearest Remus,
I have killed. I have been captured. You know what that means. I am to be executed on October first at one o'clock in the afternoon.
It is not fair of me to ask you this, but I must. Come be with me as I die. Please. For once, there are things I cannot say in a letter.
Alphard Black
PaulaMcG on Wolfstar pointed out that this was probably very cruel of Alphard, and that a boy Remus’s age should not be seeing this. Then she mused that perhaps Alphard needed Remus’s support, and was looking for his mentor and a friend. Bingo. The fic starts with Remus being Alphard’s mentor, gradually shifts to Alphard mentoring Remus, and is bookended with Remus guiding Alphard. Along the way the dynamic shifts occasionally, showing the fluidity of the relationship, and never really settles.
What this reflects, to me, is that Remus and Alphard are never quite equal. One of them always knows more than the other, or is always the better man. Remus will never (I hope!) come to the end that Alphard does, because he practices more control and he is stronger in matters of lycanthropy. But for the duration of this fic, Alphard is older and wiser in life in general. It was a fun dynamic to play with.
Remus looked up at Dumbledore. "How are we getting there?"
*
The Death Chamber was in the Department of Mysteries, which made Remus wonder if Sirius's father knew what was happening today. The chamber was a hollow, cold room that made him shiver. He hated the room already- hated the bleak gray stone, the bleachers for people to watch executions, the dais, the archway with the ragged veil, the men standing around it.
Incidentally, yes. Sirius’s father knew what was happening that day. He bribed and used his power to hush it up, went home, and blasted Alphard off the tapestry. Sirius assumes it was because Alphard left him money (sure didn’t help his case!). but Sirius was wrong. Not that he ever knew it.
He recognized a few faces. Two wizards from the Capture Unit were familiar. Bartimus Crouch, his face set with righteous indignation would be the highest-ranking official to witness this death. Andrew Diggory and Alvin McNair standing side by side, McNair looking satisfied and Diggory trying to hide sadness. A vaguely familiar face from the Committee for the Disposal of Magical Creatures. Remus closed his eyes.
Yeah. We’re going to be seeing a lot more of old Barty Crouch in AIL!
On the bleachers sat a crying woman, huddled in her cloak. Dumbledore sat down to comfort her, and Remus wondered who she had lost. Was it her husband? Her child? Her parents? He wanted to hug her, comfort her, until he remembered he was the same as the man who'd done this to her. And the man who'd done this was the who he was here to comfort.
Husband, I think.
"Bring in the condemned," Crouch ordered.
Silver shackles binding the wrists. That was the first thing he noticed, and somewhere, deep in his mind, Remus snorted at the waste. Silver didn't burn like the Muggle legends said, and the silver in those shackles would have been better spent searching for a cure. How insane. And how stupid and terrible and awful that anyone should be wearing them. Then he met the gray eyes of Alphard Black and he couldn't be angry.
Can you tell I don’t like the silver cliché either? And that I’m getting tired?
"You came," Alphard whispered as Remus approached. He fumbled for Remus's hand.
Remus nodded.
The things that couldn't be said in a letter couldn't be said in person, either. They both knew it. They couldn't look away from each other, and Remus's hand tightened over Alphard's.
"Let's go, Black," one of the Capture Unit wizards ordered, prodding Alphard with his wand. Remus did not release his hand, but walked with him.
Every step to the death arch would be forever engraved on his mind. The sound of footfalls and the rattle of chains, the crying of the woman and the harsh breathing of the condemned. The chill in the air, in the faces, in his bones, in his heart. Alphard's hand in his, warm and clinging to him like a terrified child clings to his father. And the painful, angry, twisting knowledge that but for James Potter, they could very well be making this same walk with Remus wearing the silver shackles.
Ouch, ouch, OUCH!
They stopped at the archway, and the officials turned away giving them one last moment.
I LOVE from here to the end. More of my favorite stuff that I’ve written.
"I never thought it would end like this," Remus whispered.
"I always knew it would."
There was nothing more to say.
Alphard released Remus's hand, and with a gentle touch and tender fingers hooked his chin and tilted Remus's face to his. And standing in front of the archway, Remus Lupin had his first kiss and Alphard Black had his last.
Remus had always assumed that kisses were sexual things. But standing here in this moment, his mentor's lips against his and tears on their cheeks, he knew he'd never make that mistake again. And when Alphard pulled away, Remus knew everything Alphard had wanted him to know.
"Take care of Sirius," Alphard whispered, his forehead still against Remus's.
"I will."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
The executioner stepped forward. Alphard backed away and drew himself up to his full height, with all the arrogance and pride he'd inherited with his name. And before the executioner could push him, Alphard stepped through the veil to his death.
I love the line about first and last kisses. That’s what made me write the kiss, which yes, is not sexual from either side.
The veil. Remus sure seems to know exactly what it is in OotP. Now, logic is that DD shouted “To the Death Chamber!” and Remus, being the intelligent guy he is, figured out that the veil was death. BO-RING. I like a little more explanation when doing fanfic. (Although that explanation does work for me for canon.) I don’t think Remus can be an Unspeakable, because he’d still be at that job. Even if James and/or Lily were Unspeakables, he wouldn’t know much because they couldn’t tell him. (Although I like the idea of Lily being an Unspeakable. How the heck DID she find that hideously ancient and complicated charm to lay on Harry? I have another explanation too, but that one will show up in AIL.) And it did seem like the room was set up like an execution chamber. So it worked.
I get a lot of “poor Remus!” from this, and to be honest, no. I don’t think so. We all lose people we love in our lives to death. It’s sad, yes. But Remus is not extraordinary in this regard. He’s human. It sucks, but such is life. Poor Sirius, who thinks his great uncle died of a bout of pneumonia.
Good GOD, I’m long-winded!
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 02:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 04:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 03:37 am (UTC)Lissa.. please please please please write this AU. please. i'm begging. really. It just needs to be done. I'm sure if I were to poll the world at large, they would agree. In fact, I just did and they agree. You have to write it.
"I also skipped “baseball bat”, which was my second choice." <- you could have used cricket paddle :)
I love the line about first and last kisses. me too. my favourite part of yours, ever. thanks for the commentary :) I really want Remus/Alphard. really. really, really.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 02:55 pm (UTC)I had always been impressed how well DTF and this interlocked, but I'd missed a few of the connections. (Completely missed the shout-out to Alex Sommers, and a few others.) Nice commentary, and still an awesome fic. (I love epistolatory stories, and there's so many letters in canon that they feel very canon.)
no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 04:19 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed the fic, and DTF :) Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 04:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 05:03 pm (UTC)i don't know.. i think the emotional bond might make it hot, or at least intense.
Hmmm
Date: 2005-03-21 07:32 pm (UTC)I actually used this story (in terms of Uncle Alphard's letters to Remus) to demonstrate the notion of The Prank, and what it meant in fanfic. The essay is somewhere in my files...
here in terms of well... discussing Sirius and Remus and The Prank.
I did like your take on Uncle Alphard (in Deny Thy Name)in terms of his views towards purebloods and half bloods. He wasn't racist at all, and although I didn't really agree with him, I could understand where he was coming from.
I must admit though, the kiss between Alphard and Remus kinda squicked me. On one hand, I could see why the kiss was necessary (a sort of comfort and all that) on the other hand I was like *ick*. So, I guess on that level, I wouldn't necessarily read an Alphard/Remus fic.
Thanks for doing the commentary on this, it's nice to see where the whole concept is coming from, and I totally agree with your views on fanfic and it's treatment of sex. Preach it, sistah.
Re: Hmmm
Date: 2005-03-21 07:53 pm (UTC)Usually, I stay away from writers who are named after their favourite characters (like mrs snape, or ms.siryblack) because 8 out of 10 times, the writing blows like no-one's business.
Heh. I've since learned the same, and on that note sort of regret the name choice. But the reason I picked it is because I am prematurely grey (although I hide it) and when I'm exhausted the lines beneath my eyes become the predominant features on my face. No romantic reasoning ;)
I have seen the essay you wrote about the Prank- I very much enjoyed it because again, I agree with so many of your points. I think the Prank has been blown WAY out of proportion in fanfic- especially Lupin's feelings towards Sirius. Ah well.
did like your take on Uncle Alphard (in Deny Thy Name)in terms of his views towards purebloods and half bloods. He wasn't racist at all, and although I didn't really agree with him, I could understand where he was coming from.
Thanks. I've been playing with different "degrees" of racism, which has been fun. I think Alphard was forced to redefine a lot late in his life. the pureblood/halfblood thing wasn't something he really wanted to let go of- and he found a semi-reasonable answer. It's one my mother used when I asked what would be so terrible about my sister or I dating a guy from another race or religion. I don't agree with it either, although I can understand the concern. I think Remus's life was very different than James's, and there were a lot of questions his parents had to answer and cope with that James's parents did. However, I think if you compare the mixed marriage of the Lupins and the pureblood marriage of the Blacks, you can see that just because it might have more issues to be dealt with doesn't mean automatic failure for the kids!
I must admit though, the kiss between Alphard and Remus kinda squicked me. On one hand, I could see why the kiss was necessary (a sort of comfort and all that) on the other hand I was like *ick*. So, I guess on that level, I wouldn't necessarily read an Alphard/Remus fic.
Heh. I got bored one day and googled my name, and your FT post where you said this came up. I was too lazy to register and respond, so I'm glad I get to respond here. I can completely see why it squicked you, and it's one reason I'm not rushing to write the Alphard/Remus fic. It's definitely a little squicky and was kind of supposed to be. When you look at it from a totally non-sexual point of view, it's not- it's almost like a kiss on the forehead, which in many senses it was. But when you think about the sexual aspect- yes. Squicky.
That's actually the reason I'm kind of intrigued by writing the alternate universe where Remus DOES sleep with Alphard. Not because I think it would be hot- as I said in my comment to
Thanks for reading!
Ah FT.. *a lone tear*
Date: 2005-03-21 08:12 pm (UTC)Thanks I remember your first review from Deny Thy Father because it was the first really long review I ever got on FA.
Really? I must go back and check. I do remember there were loads of comments on it - but the thing with FA is that it's so unweildy, I just tend to comment comprehensively, because I don't know if I'll ever meet up with the writer in cyberspace again.