Commentary on Accio Bananas!

[lls_mutant]

I know I said I wasn't going to do this, but I couldn't resist. It's actually much more serious than you would expect. But Accio Bananas! was such a fun fic!




Without a doubt, Accio Bananas! Is the fic I get the most reviews for and the most commentary on. I don’t consider it my strongest writing, and I wrote it one afternoon while I was out in my engine lab. It’s not intended to be “real” or anything, and was mainly a joke.

I’ve said several times if Lupin eats a banana in HBP, I’ll consider that as evidence he’s gay. This is why. I seriously doubt JKR has ever read this (given that I’ve never gotten an angry “WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY CHARACTERS?” email, and the fact she probably doesn’t actually read fanfiction (or shouldn’t) because she can get herself into legal trouble if her ideas cross over something someone else wrote), but we never really hear what the adults are eating. And if Hermione or Ginny hands him the banana (or he summons it), you will NEVER shut me up.

Fortunately, that won’t happen.

So on with the commentary!

"No good," Hermione whispered. "Sirius is with him."

"Face it Hermione," Ginny hissed, "you're -never- going to get him alone. Let's just ask now!"

When this idea came into my head, it HAD to be Ginny and Hermione. I don’t slash any of the boys (although aome might manage to convert me to Harry/Ron slash), and I tend to ship where there’s canonical evidence. Plus, I love the Ginny we’re starting to see in OotP.

"But-"

"When are we ever going to get another chance? Everyone's gone, and we won't get another opportunity before the holidays end." She peeped around the door jamb. "And Sirius even looks like he's in a good mood."

He had to have had SOME happy times in OotP. That’s actually one of the reasons I like the Remus/Sirius ship- it adds some happiness to their lives in OotP.

"All right," Hermione relented. "But you ask."

"Fine. Come on."

Together the girls entered the kitchen. Sirius and Lupin were seated at the table, the Daily Prophet spread out between them and mugs of tea at hand. Lupin was reading the classified ads and Sirius was doing the crossword puzzle, sniffing as he corrected an answer. Ginny gestured with her head for Hermione to follow her and walked up to the table.

Cliché, much? Sheesh.

"Professor Lupin?" Ginny asked.

Lupin looked up with an amused grin. "Hardly Professor these days, Ginny. Call me Remus." He motioned to the empty chairs across from them. "What's on your mind?"

Again, just about every fic with the kids and Remus must include “I’m not a Professor anymore” from Remus. By the way, what DOES Harry actually call Lupin to his face? Have you noticed he never actually addresses him in OotP?

Ginny and Hermione took the proffered seats. "We have a question, me and Hermione," Ginny began. "It's kind of personal though, so we'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone we asked."

Lupin and Sirius exchanged glances, and Sirius shrugged. "All right," Lupin said. "Well keep your confidence. What do you want to know?"

"How do you give a blow job?" Ginny asked.

Sirius, who'd just taken a sip of hot tea, spat it out explosively. Lupin patted him on the back.

Poor Sirius. I think Remus is just as shocked, but he holds it in much better. Plus, he’s around kids that age more with his teaching. Or was.

"WHY do you want to know that?" Sirius gasped.

"And what makes you think I know the answer?" Lupin demanded.

A lot of people have said they didn’t think Ginny and Hermione would ask Sirius and Lupin. I say why not? This is stuff that you eventually DO ask. Now, realistically they would have asked Tonks. But that’s not nearly so funny, and it’s not like I think this fic really “happened.”

For the record, yes, I’ve been asked how to do it. I won’t tell you by who. And I gave lessons on a candle.

"Oh please," Ginny said, rolling her eyes. "The rest of the Order might be playing dumb, but Hermione and I aren't stupid. And Hermione said-"

"I told you Hermione would be the one to figure it out," Sirius said smugly, wiping his face.

"I wasn't," Hermione said, her face bright red. "Ginny was."

Hermione is very smart when it comes to books and lessons, but I think she lacks common sense. (Which Ron has in spades, which is why I think they’ll make a complimentary couple. Also, I think that’s a dynamic you see in Sirius and Remus, too.)

"Ha!" Lupin contradicted Sirius. "But that doesn't answer why you need to know. You're awfully young-"

Yes there are.

Sirius cleared his throat meaningfully. "Hermione's fifteen."

"We were seventeen!"

Sirius fixed Lupin with a level gaze.

"All right, all right. I was fifteen," he admitted, flustered. "But... why ask us? Why not consult a book, or...?" he trailed off.

Hehehehe. This came after I wrote “First Kisses”, which is posted over on Immeritus. Remus’s first partner in any sort of sexual forays was Snape. Yes, I’m a Snupin shipper a bit as well. But they didn’t sleep together, and as you can tell in a few minutes, Remus’s first experience wasn’t exactly great.

I did write this before even conceiving of Alex and Remus via AIL. But Remus had the same issues in AIL. Gee. I wonder why….

"It's not like they keep The Joy of Sex on the shelves of the Hogwarts library," Hermione said. "We know the basics, but..."

"You aren't actually planning on -using- this knowledge, are you?" Sirius demanded.

"Well, not right now," Ginny said agreeably. "But eventually. It's better to have the knowledge ahead of time- to be forewarned. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" she roared.

"You do another Mad-Eye Moody impression in a sexual conversation and we won't tell you a thing," Lupin reprimanded Ginny, but there was laughter in his eyes.

What’s really scary is I found a picture by Ponderosa of Mad-Eye Moody giving a blow job. Oh, that made me want to gouge out my eyeballs!

"Sorry, sir."

"Remus," he corrected. He sighed. "All right, but I won't pretend to be an expert-"

Filched right from when he’s talking about producing a Patronus….

Sirius snorted. "Don't listen to him. He knows exactly what he's doing."

Lupin blushed. "Like you don't. In fact, you can explain."

"Oh no!" Ginny protested. "Sirius doesn't explain things nearly as well as you do!"

"You're a wonderful teacher," Hermione insisted, nodding enthusiastically.

Sirius folded his hands and assumed his best "interested student" expression. "Yes. I would really like to hear the good Professor's remarks on the subject."

Hehe. I think Sirius always thought it was rather funny that Remus taught. And I can see him dying to sit in the back of his class and cause all sorts of mayhem.

"All right! All right!" Lupin held his hands up in surrender. "I'll tell you!" He studied the girls. "How much do you know?"

Ginny and Hermione exchanged glances. "Not much," Ginny admitted. "Neither of us have done anything more than kiss."

"Well, not much more," Hermione muttered.

That would be with Michael for Ginny (and yup, they just kissed) and Krum with Hermione, where a little teenaged fumbling was involved before she smacked his hands away.

"So, neither of you have, erm, seen a naked man before?"

Both girls shook their heads.

I think I was 16 or 17 when I first saw a picture of a naked man. Girls just don’t get into the porn as much… and remember they don’t have the Internet!

"All right. You know what happens when men are, ah-"

"Moony, they're fourteen and fifteen. I'm sure they understand the concept of an erection."

Thank you Sirius. I liked the way Remus gave the very academic descriptions, and Sirius added the qualifiers.

"We -do- get that part," Ginny said. "But... how big exactly...?"

It’s a valid question! I think a lot of girls are curious and nervous- especially when they get that “you want to put what –where-?” feeling.

"Depends on the man," Lupin said.

Sirius nodded agreement and held his hand up. "A good rule of thumb seems to be from the base of the palm to the tip of the ring finger." Lupin looked at the visual aid and shook his head. "Hey! Watch it Moony!"

I forget who told me that and I haven’t conducted an exhaustive survey, but in my limited experience I think Sirius might be right. Although for a man with long fingers, Lupin’s little pot-shot might be accurate too.

Lupin winked at the girls. "I think we need an example."

"Whoohoo!"

I know it’s not British and Sirius didn’t have access to the Simpsons. But that reaction just sticks in my head too strongly to do anything else!

"Put it away, Sirius. They don't need to see that!" Lupin glanced around the kitchen and brightened. "Accio bananas!"

Yes Sirius. Demonstrating on bananas is almost in character. Lupin demonstrating on you is NOT.

Interesting to note that I referred to them as Sirius and Lupin through this whole fic. I did that because that’s how Harry does it, and although I don’t have one specific character as a narrator here, the narration is coming more from the girls’ side than the guys. So Lupin- which is how the kids refer to him- seemed more appropriate than Remus.

A bunch of bananas flew across the room to Lupin's open hand. He separated them and handed one each to Hermione, Ginny, and Sirius. "Peel them," he instructed in his best teacher's voice. "Now, this is a bit small as far as girth, but it actually isn't too bad a substitute."

"Are they always this bent?" Hermione asked.

"Again, depends on the man. Sirius has a serious right bend, but I'm straight enough to measure walls with."

I LOVE that phrase. And the double entendre that came with it. The right bend with Sirius is a tribute (of sorts) to Alshain’s The Never-Ending Diary of Remus Lupin, where Remus comments Sirius has a “ridiculous” right bend.

Ginny snickered.

"My banana has a bruise," Sirius complained. Lupin rolled his eyes and handed him another one.

"Anyway," Lupin continued as Sirius peeled his replacement banana, "manual stimulation is quite welcome beforehand." Sirius began running his fingers up and down the banana. "It isn't essential, per se, the male body doesn't require any preparation for this act, and an erection will almost certainly be achieved once oral contact commences." Sirius wrapped his lips around the banana in demonstration. "However, a little foreplay and teasing can enhance the experience." Banana still in his mouth, Sirius nodded.

My silly secret little dream is that Gary Oldman and David Thewlis will find this on the internet and film it on their camcorder one day when they’re bored. Of course I don’t think that would EVER happen, but I would really love to see the visual of this. If I was better at portraiture, I’d try to draw it. But I also don’t want my husband to see me doing self-reference while I’m playing with a banana.

"Where's the best to touch?" Ginny asked, trying not to giggle.

"Once again, you'll find a lot of variation. It's very personal," Lupin explained. "A little exploration will give you a- Sirius! Stop the sound effects!"

Sirius was indicating just how you could figure out if a man was enjoying it.

Sirius took a bite out of his banana. "Sorry," he muttered with his mouth full.

"Hey, that's cheating!" Hermione accused.

Yeah, Hermione’s a little overwhelmed by the idea of the size.

"Honestly Sirius." Lupin handed him the last banana. "But Sirius brings up a good point- teeth have no place in fellatio. Lips and tongue are essential, but keep your teeth out of it."

"Best to wrap them with your lips," Sirius agreed. "Like 'is."

Lupin shuddered. "Ugh. You sound geriatric."

"I thought you said you'd love me even then."

I like that little insight into their devotion to each other. Like Ginny and Hermione suddenly get a glimpse through a window into the expanse of their relationship.

"Yes, but let's not get there before we have to." He turned back to the girls. "Give it a try," he suggested, gesturing to their bananas.

Hermione blushed brightly, but Ginny wrapped her lips over her teeth and obeyed, haltingly. Neither of them had counted on a practical demonstration- especially not with Sirius watching them, amusement in his eyes as he slowly took another bite.

I would be with Hermione there. SO embarrassed! How Lupin kept a straight face is beyond me.

"Not bad for a first try," Lupin encouraged Ginny when she came up for air. "What did you notice?"

"It's very awkward," Ginny admitted.

"Naturally. You're here with an audience of people that won't be there when you do it for real. And yes, it can feel awkward. The first time I did it I nearly died of embarrassment. My partner wasn't a lot of help, either, I might add. But when you are truly comfortable, it will feel natural."

"In fact," Sirius broke in, "discomfort in any sexual act is a good indication that you don't have enough trust to be doing it." The other three stared at him, and he blinked. "Wow. That almost sounded studious, didn't it?

Or like Lissa preaching again?

Lupin grinned. "It's only because of your temperament that you were never a Professor, Padfoot. Not your intellect." He turned back to the girls. "What else?"

"It was hard to breathe," Ginny said.

Lupin held up a finger. "Exactly. Breathing during oral sex is tricky."

Yes it is at first. I’d like to remind all readers at this point that I’m a married 30 year old woman, so I’ll shut up about any of the sexual aspects here.

"Yeah- it is really hard." Sirius wiggled his eyebrows.

This is the only line Fiction Alley asked me to change when I submitted it. It was originally “yeah, it is really hard to breath with a cock down your throat.” Because I fully respect their rating policy and was amazed they were going to let me post this anyway, I happily complied with this change. At least Sirius gets a really bad pun. Really bad. Teenaged-boy bad.

"Thank you Professor Padfoot. See my point about temperament? Anyway, the trick is to breathe through your nose. It's natural enough- your body will do it automatically, if you don't fight it. Try it again- both of you." His smile included Hermione in the exercise as well.

If nothing else, for Ginny’s sake. If someone has to be embarrassed, they’ll ALL be embarrassed, damn it!

"Only if you demonstrate," she insisted.

"Of course. On the count of three. One, two, three..."

It was a masterpiece of control that Sirius managed not to laugh as all three of them went for the bananas. Hermione was stiff and jerky, keeping her eyes on the table, but Ginny was much more comfortable this round, watching Lupin and doing her best to imitate his quirks. Unfortunately, she tried a little too hard and gagged as he took the banana a little too deep for her.

The only reason Sirius didn’t do it was someone had to watch.

Immediately the three desisted. Sirius stood up and got her a glass of water; Hermione was watching her with more trepidation. Lupin got up and rubbed her back. "Are you all right?" he asked. Ginny accepted Sirius's water and took a deep drink, and then nodded.

"I think so," she gasped.

"Does that happen a lot?" Hermione asked.

"In the beginning, yeah," Sirius admitted. "It's definitely an acquired skill."

No comment.

"How did you do it?" Ginny asked Lupin. "How did you get that banana so far down your throat?"

"How much do you know about the gag reflex?" Lupin asked.

Ginny shook her head, but Hermione piped up. "It's much harder to set off than people realize. The throat senses a foreign object and the muscles contract, trying to expel the object from the body."

I think I’m right here. I’m pretty sure. I love Hermione countering with an explanation just as academic as Lupin’s own.

Lupin paused and then smiled. "Excellent, Hermione, except I almost said 'Five points to Gryffindor.' But you're right, and the action is not entirely involuntary. The way to combat it is to swallow against the reflex. This forces your system to relax."

"Is that what deep throating is?" Ginny asked.

"Not quite. Deep throating is an extreme, and it's very hard to actually learn."

"I can't do it," Sirius confessed.

For the record, neither can I. But I’ve read books.

"Is that bad?" Hermione directed the question at Lupin. He shook his head.

"Not at all. A good lover would never force their partner to the point of discomfort, and anyway, oral sex is such an intense sensation that deep throating isn't really necessary. It's like whipped cream on a sundae. It's great, but you'd happily eat the rest without."

mmmmmm. Whipped cream….

"Can -you- deep throat?" Ginny drawled.

Lupin blushed. "Erm..."

Sirius nodded enthusiastically. "You wouldn't believe it," he said with a grin. "Show 'em, Moony."

It’s always the quiet ones. Lupin just seems more the type to me. I have no idea of why.

"But-"

"Please?" the girls begged.

Lupin sighed. "All right." He picked up his banana again.

Hermione and Ginny watched in amazement. Even Sirius, who had had a front row seat for every occasion, had his eyes fastened on Lupin.

This fic obviously assumes Lupin has not had many lovers outside of Sirius. I waver back and forth. Because he is so contained and controlled, I think that’s very possible. On the other hand, I’ve seen versions where Remus has had other lovers- either as a way to forget, or a self-destruction mechanism. I think this can work too. A part of me loves the OOC idea of Remus being a prostitute during part of the Lost Years, but it has to be done right and I know it’s not canon. And I really like Mysid’s version where Remus seemed to have one or maybe a very few lovers in The Lost Years, and they were people he had some sort of connection with. But overall, I think I come down on the Remus didn’t have many lovers side. Not because he was devoted to Sirius- at the time he HATED Sirius and had no idea Sirius would be proven innocent- but because Remus is such a remote character in general.

"Wow," Ginny said softly.

"It's a skill worth mastering," Sirius murmured as an aside. "you can't see it of course, but he's using his tongue at the same time- running it up and down the undershaft. It feels absolutely-"

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?"

Lupin's eyes flashed up to the doorway, and the others started guiltily. Mrs. Weasley was balancing a shopping bag on one hip, followed by Mr. Weasley and the twins, who were all watching with wide eyes. Mrs. Weasley had been the accuser, but Mr. Weasley was white and staring as he spotted his daughter sitting at the table with a werewolf who was (successfully) deep throating a banana.

"Banana eating contest!" Sirius declared. Lupin took the cue and bit deeply, turning red as he tried to manage chewing with a banana lodged halfway down his throat. "We're trying to see who could take the biggest single bite out of a banana," Sirius explained. "If Moony swallows, he wins!" He glanced at his friend, who was starting to choke. "However, spitting it out is also respectable."

”Banana eating contest!” Is my favorite line of this fic. There’s a picture I think fits it perfectly, but for certain reasons I can’t use it here. Anyway, it’s Tealin’s picture of Remus clapping his hands together after he’s taken the Marauder’s Map back from Snape. It’s on her webpage, on page 9 of the Azkaban Project. (If you haven’t seen her art, it’s here and you really must check it out.) I don’t link to it directly or post the picture here because she’s set down some specific guidelines about using her work, and this breaks like eight of them. But that picture of Remus on page 9 is pretty much what I think Remus might look like here… before the lack of oxygen sets in.

Lupin lurched to the sink and hunched over, trying to keep from retching.

"Banana eating contest? Honestly, Sirius, we really need to speak to Dumbledore. What a stupid idea!"

Fred and George were snickering, and Ginny fixed them with a glare that clearly said 'Open your mouths and I'll hex you to oblivion.'

Fred and George are anything but stupid, despite their lack of O.W.L.s.

"It wasn't his idea, Mrs. Weasley," Hermione leaped to Sirius's defense. "It was mine. It just seemed silly at the time." A gasp from Lupin's direction interrupted her.

Arthur waved them back to their conversations and walked over, the picture of a solicitous friend. However, as he put his hand on Lupin's back and leaned in, his words were anything but concerned.

"I know exactly what you and Black are," Arthur hissed. "And that's fine. You don't want to tell, and I'll keep playing along. But I'm not so dumb as to not know what you were doing. Next time you and Black decide to have a tutorial, leave my daughter out of it. Got it?"

Something that I’ve found very odd. I’ve had a few people say Arthur seems a bit jerky here. I’m not sure why. Arthur is okay (ish) with them being gay and with each other. It’s just he does not want his baby girl having any idea what a blow job is. Given what I know of fathers, this is realistic. Given Ginny’s age, it’s very understandable. I’d be freaked out too.

Struggling for air and turning a faint shade of blue, Lupin nodded.

"You'll tell Black?"

Lupin was frantic now. Arthur glared once more, then tapped him on the back, muttering a spell. Suddenly the banana was gone and Lupin collapsed against the sink, wheezing. Arthur put an arm around him to support him.

"Glad that's cleared up," he said in Lupin's ear. Checking to make sure Molly was still engaged in yelling at Sirius, he added, "However, feel free to show my wife that trick any time."

I was never happy with exactly how this line came out, but it appears to have worked. ::shrug::

Lupin almost choked again, but Sirius was on his feet and caught him. "Thanks Arthur," he said. "I think I'll take Remus upstairs to lie down a bit. If you all will excuse us..." With a flourish he lead Lupin out of the kitchen. Their eyes met and they both smiled.

"Man," George said as they walked away. "That was one big bite of banana...."

Sirius has REALLY impressed George.

Comments

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Urgh! I really didn't need that image in my head!!

Yeah, neither did I. Heh. It was REALLY disturbing, especially since the artist is so good....

Not having been one of those people I couldn't say for sure but I think it's the fact that he lets Remus choke, turn blue and become frantic while telling him that he's not impressed!

Heh. Remus was teaching his 14 year old daughter how to give a blow job, and Arthur never would have let him get too far. He deserved a little punishment!!!! :)