Baby Update and Fic Commentary
Nov. 29th, 2005 11:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lls_mutantWell, we saw the doctor this morning. I am STILL 1 centimeter dilated and about 50% effaced... which is exactly what I was this time last week. So they scheduled an induction for Friday. If the baby hasn't come on his own by then, he doesn't get a choice! Hopefully we'll be able to avoid a C-section, but we'll do what we have to do.
The good news is the baby seems completely healthy: his heartbeat is strong, he's very responsive, and frankly, he's been very active, especially at night. He's in the 8 pound range, the doctor thinks- a nice weight, a little higher than average, but not at all out of the normal range. I actually haven't been at all worried about the baby's health as far as him being late- I can feel him move pretty frequently, and there hasn't been a single scary sign. And hey, I was three weeks late, and I was my mother's first. There were a lot of people (including my darling husband) betting I'd have to be induced.
So, Friday we head down to the hospital, unless this boy decides to come before then. The doctor did say "you're not going to fight me on this, are you?", which I know he had to ask because some women want "completely natural" childbirths. Me? I'm sitting here "what is the earliest point this week you can get this kid out of me?" Natural, smatural. I'm still not convinced on the epidural, but that's because I'm irrationally afraid, not because I have Issues or anything. Ask me if I want an epidural once the contractions get going, and want to bet I overcome my fear? There are a few things I don't want- I don't want narcotic painkillers or anything- but other than that.... Meh. They know more than me about birthing, and I don't care how women have done it for millions of years. I want to do it the way they do it now.
So that's that. Now I'm debating going to see Rent, but I know I really shouldn't. It's a 20 minute drive, and what if I DO happen to go into labor? I'm trying to stay out of the car, just because it seems like a wiser idea. So I'll be good and just go to the grocery store around the corner so I can bake Christmas cookies and freeze them.
Anyway.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ladyblack_888 asked for commentary on "Ten Galleons", and as that's one of my favorites of my fics, I was only too happy to jump on that. It's not as amusing a commentary as some of my others- the fic is actually pretty short and it's definitely not a fun or funny fic. But it was interesting to do.
Commentary for Ten Galleons
I'll be honest. I have a major kink for prostitution fics. And in my head, I have a major, major kink for Remus Lupin Lost Years prostitution fics. There's just one problem… they don't work.
I'm an issues sort of girl, so if I want prostitution fic, I'm not that into the sex. I'm into the angst. I'm into the feeling of being trapped, the disgust that comes along with it, and importantly- how the person gets out of the lifestyle. I'm not into the magical brothels where it sounds more like a dream job, and all the clients are quite attractive (or Snape), and the sex is always good. To me, that's kind of like the "romantic rape" fics- you know the ones, where the victim falls in love with their rapist. (I hate that.) So why does Remus Lupin prostitution fic not work? Well, if there were magical brothels that made it more like a dream job, I can't see Remus giving up the work, and if it's prostitution like I imagine desperate prostitution to be, I think Remus is far, far too proud. I truly believe he'd rather starve than sell himself, especially that way. Remus is a survivor, yes, and I do think he'd do what he had to do. But I also think he'd come up with a hell of a lot of other things to do before selling sex.
I can't get into Harry prostitution fics. Hell, I can't get into Harry sex fics at all. It's like thinking about your little brother having sex, y'know? I think a lot of it has to do with my age, but also I think that Harry feels to me much more like a real person and someone else's character, whereas a lot of the secondary characters feel more like mine once I start writing them, because JKR never gets into their heads. Does that make any sense? Anyway, I also don't think Harry would ever do it. Snape… I can't read Snape sex fics much, unless they're really angsty, angry Snupins that take place post-OotP and don't result in anything much emotionally. And who would pay canon!Snape for sex? Seriously? Ick.
But at some point, someone mentioned there are no Sirius prostitution fics. And this is silly, because Sirius would TOTALLY do it. Not because he needs the money, but because to Sirius, it would be the biggest, loudest, FUCK YOU to the world possible, and that's exactly why he'd do it. Which is what got the plot bunny going for me.
This is (obviously) outside my Accidentally In Love universe, with one small similarity, which I'll discuss at the end. It's dark and angry and bitter, and actually, I'm quite fond of this piece. It's one of the rare occasions I've managed to stay concise and to the bare bones of a short story, it stands alone pretty well, and I like the writing in it. It's an unusual experiment for me, but I think it worked.
The tense thing, however, did not. Note to self: always stay in the past tense. You do so much better that way. And now…
Ten Galleons
The first time it happened was the summer between his fifth and sixth year.
The Blacks were hosting some sort of occasion; even then Sirius couldn’t have told you for what reason. Some formal party where guests milled about in dress robes, drinks and dainty finger foods appeared over the heads of bent house elves, loud and insincere compliments were exchanged and insults were traded in razor-edged voices sheathed in satin. The best of the wizard world, the purest of bloods- or the richest, as tainted blood could be forgiven at least in association- were present, making for a very dull afternoon.
I'm very fond of the razor-edged voices sheathed in satin description there. In my novel type stuff, I try to avoid any sort of poetic description because I often suck at it. But if I hit myself at just the right time….
As for the Blacks, I do suspect they were willing to associate with people with lots of money or prestige as well. But they weren't allowed in the bloodline ;)
A loudly whispered angry argument with his mother over his manners had sent Sirius to the library in a huff. He’d been curled up on an armchair, nose deep in a book when the door had opened and an older man had walked in.
“Well, well, Sirius. I was wondering where you were.”
“You must be the only one. I didn’t think it was much of a secret that I stormed out, Mr. Jensen.”
“No, I guess not.” Jensen wandered closer, perusing the books on the shelves. “You’ve got yourself a nice little hideaway here, don’t you?”
Sirius shrugged insolently, but he lowered his book and watched the man.
I'm very fond of Sirius-the-bookworm, and in my canon, Sirius reads more than Remus does. Especially for pleasure.
There was a current in the air he couldn’t identify, but it was strong and sent tendrils of fear and something else down his nerves and up his spine. He felt it again in a pronounced jolt when he heard the lock of the library slide shut, bidden to do so by a just barely perceptible flick of Jensen’s wand. Jensen turned to him, studying him with mud brown eyes. Sirius raised an eyebrow.
“You’re a pretty boy, you know,” Jensen said finally.
You’re not, Sirius thought. Heavy jowls, grey hair, a paunch and an oversized nose were far from attractive.
One thing that annoys me about prostitution fics in general- the number of attractive clients. If the first few clients are attractive, I know I'm not getting any good Issues stuff in that fic.
“I’ll give you five galleons if you blow me.”
There were options. There were many options. He could have gotten up, stormed out of the room and slammed the door. He could have shouted for help. He could have used magic to escape; he was underage but this would qualify as an extreme circumstance and the Ministry would forgive it. There were probably more.
“I’ll do it for ten.”
Jensen’s eyes widened in shock, but he recovered quickly. “For ten I’ll be fucking you.”
Sirius met his eyes defiantly. “All right then.”
It didn’t take long, a hurried copulation of wheezing and overeager hands, sweaty palms and bad breath. Arms wrapped around him, pulling him onto a lap and holding him steady as the man beneath him rutted into him, piercing with pain and grunting like a stuck pig. Then it was over and Jensen was buckling his belt and fishing out fifteen galleons, because he’d never had it so fucking good and he’d give Sirius more if Sirius would come by his house some night.
I really wish I could get a good grasp on how much a galleon is really worth. It doesn't help that JKR doesn't seem to really know, and it REALLY doesn't help that I don't have a good grasp on the British money system myself, and how much a pound is worth compared to a dollar. The idea was supposed to be that Sirius didn't get paid a LOT of money to be a whore, and he never really cared, either.
Sirius just laughed at him, because he hadn’t done it for money and he hadn’t done it for sex and he hadn’t done it for any reason other than he knew his mother hated Jensen with a passion but had to be polite because he kept his father funded. It wasn’t an act of desperation, but a giant “fuck you” to everyone who expected him to be the perfect scion of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. Jensen retreated, confused and sputtering, and Sirius looked at the gold in his palm.
And that was how Sirius Black lost his virginity; when some disgusting man he couldn’t stand paid him fifteen galleons for it.
Normally, I try (and often fail) to be a little more discreet or subtle about a character's motives. But here, coming out and saying it worked, because I think Sirius is a very fundamentally honest person, and he was being very honest with himself about his motives.
***
The Knight Bus picked him up outside Hogwarts on a rainy November night, a week after the full moon had almost killed his best friend, his worst enemy and a perversely innocent werewolf.
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. The words ran through his head and his lips like a mantra, and enough was enough.
Sirius Black was sick of being sorry.
He's probably sick of reading fics where he has to pine for months on months with Remus never even bending towards forgiving him, too. Does anyone else HATE the term The Prank? I use it because it's easier to sum up exactly what incident I mean, but I really despise the term. I also don't really like how much importance it's frequently given. I think Sirius fucked up, yes, but Remus doesn't seem nearly as bothered about it in canon as fanon ascribes him to be. I read his hesitancy in discussing it as "Okay, I'm trying to convince you kids that this guy ISN'T a killer, but, erm, yeah… I guess if you look at it that way he DID try to kill Snape, but don't let that sway you, okay?" He was more concerned about what Harry et al. would thing rather than with his own pain at that moment. At least, that's how I read it.
I do think Remus was mad, I just don't think it took him months upon months to forgive Sirius. Sirius doesn't think. If we all know this, wouldn't one of his best friends know it even better?
So he took the bus to London and he waited on a street corner, and when some nameless bloke stopped beside him and asked if he had a light, Sirius told him he did but it was twenty pounds for the use of it.
Sex in an alley, hot and hard and with the scraping of cheek against rough brick and the taste of blood in his mouth. Hard cutting words that he needed to hear, and then his soul was cleansed as he was left used and spent amid the garbage of the alley.
He dropped the note into the sewer and hailed the bus home.
I do like the notion of Sirius indulging in a little self-punishment for it, however. (Not that he felt at ALL guilty about Snape. But I'm sure he did about any real risk to James and Remus.)
***
The Potters’ house was warmth and safety, family and love. No darkness lingered in corners, no talks of blood and pride and nobility assaulted his ears. He had a room to himself, food on the table, and the concern of two parents and now a brother in fact as much as perception.
And yet he was at odds, because for once in his life there was nothing to hate, no line to walk.
I liked this concept, because we see how self-destructive Sirius is when he's impotent. Sirius is a fighter, I think he NEEDS to fight. It's all he's ever really known. Tossing him suddenly into a family that did love each other had to have been good in many ways, but it had to have taken some adjusting as well.
“Where do you go at night?” James asked him once, as they lay on the grass in the back yard.
“I have a job,” Sirius said.
James just laughed, and Sirius laughed with him because the idea of Sirius Black working was admittedly ludicrous.
But that night he pulled on Muggle jeans and muggle t-shirt, waved good-bye to the Potters and cheerfully announced he’d be back late, because his boss was likely to keep him. He Apparated to London and leaned against a wall, waiting on a street corner.
He’d been there an hour when Brighton happened by, pretending to just be in the area even though it was obvious he was lying. Like usual it was quick and painful- Brighton never used enough lube- and like usual he called Sirius John. Obvious. Obvious and laughably pathetic, and when he was gone Sirius chuckled over it to himself, because respect was something none of his customers deserved, this one least of all. Too bloody scared to fuck the real thing, so he paid for a fantasy and settled for trash.
Because that’s what he was: trash. He was under no illusions about what he was doing, and he prettied it up with no words. He fucked people for money. He was a whore, a prostitute, a slut… whatever other slang you could come up with. There was no sexual pleasure in it; if he had orgasms he didn’t remember them, and his johns were never tender or gentle. They wanted to get off, and he gave it to them. He, the little pureblooded, mannered, cultured, educated, intelligent Black let them screw him for money and didn’t think twice.
This would be Lissa being very clear about what she thinks a prostitute's life is like. None of this romantic crap that I see so often in prostitute fics- this is much more the down and dirty. Which makes sense for the premise of this fic. Sirius isn't after money and he isn't after sex. This isn't all that different than an addiction or cutting or something for him.
It's also interesting that I have Sirius frequently bottom in this. As we all know, I have a kink for Remus bottoming and Sirius more dominant than this. But this works- and Sirius is still entirely in control.
There was a certain satisfaction in that, and that was what Sirius did it for.
***
After a while that satisfaction even began to fade, and there was nothing but cold and emptiness. He didn’t need the money because he had a job and he didn’t need the defiance because he was fighting enough for three men. At one point he stopped for a whole year.
Again, I was treating this like an addiction. When he was getting his fix from another source- his fix being the outlet he needed for how fucked up Sirius Black really is- he didn't need this version. Before things got really bad, I think he was able to deal with all his anger and hate by fighting. Once people he loved started dying, fighting wasn't enough anymore.
Then the Prewett brothers were killed, and it began to hurt.
Then he found Benjy Fenwick, torn to bits.
That's so not gonna be a fun scene in Accidentally In Love, because I really like Alice.
Then Caradoc Dearborn was gone.
I HATED writing Caradoc gone missing, and was so glad I didn't have to actually write his death, although I think it's pretty heavily implied- by my fic and by JKR just in that he disappeared, that Caradoc was tortured. ::Sniff::
Then Marlene McKinnon.
And he began to do it again, because cold and emptiness were better than the burning pain that filled him when he was thinking.
***
Ten galleons. He had never raised his price. Ten for a fuck, five for a blow. For Muggles, it was twenty pounds and ten, but it was the same principle. He could command more but he didn’t, because money was never the point.
That's also why I never really cared about the exchange rates.
It's funny how unsubtle I am in this piece, but it works. I think it works because it's about Sirius, who is one of the most unsubtle men in the series. Sirius wears his heart on his sleeve, and while he's got some unintentional double standards, I think he understands himself fairly well- or at least understands some of what he does. Not every last thing, and he certainly doesn't try to work it out or reveal it all to Harry, but I think Sirius wrestles with the darkness in him more than a lot of the characters do.
He woke up one morning in a cheap hotel room, and he knew- even though there was no proof- he’d fucked a Death Eater. It gave sleeping with the enemy a whole new meaning. But he would bet money- every last knut he had- that that was exactly what Rosier was.
Well, at least that was ten fewer galleons in a Death Eater pocket.
I hate having too many canon characters be gay, but I had to have at least one confirmed Death Eater do it.
***
Things were bad. James and Lily were marked for death, and Sirius was sure he probably was too, although he wasn't as important as Prongs was. Remus was silent those days and Peter was drawn and pale, and everything was about to go to hell. Every day could have been their last, which was stupid because that was always true, and now they couldn't even enjoy it.
He knew he shouldn’t go out when he didn’t need to. He knew he should hide. But it had never been in Sirius Black to hide, and maybe he did it just to piss off Dumbledore, who insisted that Sirius, Remus, or Peter must be a fucking traitor. Well, not in those words. But that was what he meant.
So fuck them, and fuck Dumbledore. Sirius did what he wanted.
If Harry hadn't been such an issue in OotP, I think this would have been exactly Sirius's attitude. I always got the impression he stayed inside and hid not for his own safety, but because he knew Harry needed him. Fuck Dumbledore, indeed.
***
He was standing on the street corner in the cold October wind when ten galleons were pressed into his hand. The money was real and the hand was warm, so he turned and was brought up short when he met familiar brown eyes.
Brown. Not amber. Brown. Although yes, AIL Remus has amber eyes. But that's only because Damien does.
Remus simply raised his eyebrows.
“No,” Sirius said, for the first time ever, pushing the money back into Remus’s hand.
“Yes,” Remus replied calmly, extending it. The galleons glinted brightly.
“Why?” Sirius asked, breaking another rule. He’d never asked. He’d never wanted to know.
“Because.” Remus kept the rule intact, even if he didn’t know that’s what he was doing. And then there was nothing Sirius could do but pocket the money and lead Remus to the seedy inn that rented rooms by the hour.
I really liked that moment of shocked recognition, and Sirius's immediate refusal. I don't think he wanted Remus to be a part of this, because he not only had no respect for his johns, but he had no respect for himself. His reaction would have been the same for James or Peter. Peter he still would have slept with. James is the only one he would have completely resisted it. Why? Because I think his respect for James was inviolate, and his respect for Remus was slipping, and he'd never had quite the respect for Peter anyway.
He’d wanted this, and he knew it. That was the real reason he took Remus’s money. If he had known that Remus swung this way he would have seduced him sooner, but Sirius realized he didn’t know much about Remus anymore, not because Remus never told him but because he never listened.
And, of course, this is the other reason. The real reason that Sirius never did seduce Remus in this universe is because he couldn't. He didn't want a normal relationship, he couldn't handle something where he was meant to have value. He was able to sleep with Remus when he could perceive both of them were valueless, but he couldn't have managed it as a general rule on a nightly basis. And while his respect for Remus was slipping, he still loved him, although I don't mean that completely romantically.
He undid the buttons on his jeans, the bed between him and Remus, who was undressing with shaking hands. He couldn’t look him in the eye and he was reluctant to undress, although usually he tossed his clothes aside with the arrogance of having a body worth showing. Then Remus slid between the sheets, and Sirius was in bed beside him, warm skin against warm skin.
Remus wanted Sirius to fuck him. It wasn't a request Sirius was used to, but he did it anyway. He was gentle and a little bit slow, but he heard Remus hiss with pain and suddenly he knew that this was Remus’s first time- Remus had never had sex before this. But Remus didn’t tell him that; he only ducked his head and moved awkwardly with the tempo of Sirius’s thrusts.
Because, as we know, I have a total kink for Sirius topping Remus. But also, I wanted this encounter to be completely different from any other encounter Sirius has had. I'm not fond of the second sentence- it didn't come out the way I wanted it to, and it sounds repetitive. But the rest of it, I really like.
Sirius is right- Remus is a virgin in this. I think Remus was seeing that his death was fast approaching, and he wanted to do this before he died.
They laid beside each other after, both staring at the ceiling and silent. “How did you know?” Sirius finally asked.
“Rosier was talking about it,” Remus said sleepily.
Rosier. A Death Eater. Sirius didn’t want to think about that. “What did he say?”
This is what I've gotten several questions on, and it's the one thing that doesn't quite stand alone, but it's impossible to explain. As in AIL, this Remus is a spy among the Death Eaters. I've always been convinced that Snape is not Dumbledore's only spy. I was right, although Remus does tend to be more in the werewolf circles than the inner Death Eater circles. Here, he's at least around Rosier enough to hear Rosier talk. And Sirius guessed right- Rosier was making a joke of it, and Remus didn't really want Sirius to know that the Death Eaters were laughing at him.
Remus must have thought about this a lot, and I think he realized what Sirius was doing and why. Notice that Remus never actually tries to seduce Sirius either- he just goes and pays. I kind of associate this with Remus's reluctance (now canon!) to enter a relationship in general. Like Sirius, Remus isn't ready for a healthy relationship. And so, he settles for this.
Remus shrugged. There was something about that shrug that is guilty and defensive, like Remus was hiding something, and Sirius thought maybe it had nothing to do with the fact Remus just admitted he betrayed them, but rather that Remus realized that Sirius is a joke in Death Eater circles.
There were so many things he could have done. Many options. He could have hexed Remus then and there. Bound him, turned him in, kept the others safe. He could have challenged him to a duel and gone down in a burst of green light when Remus killed him. He could have ordered Remus out, and never spoken to him again. But Sirius pulled him close, kissing him softly and coaxing him back, and for the first time he slept with someone without getting paid. And yet he knew that it wasn't an act of love but one of farewell, because one of them was going to kill the other and nothing would ever be right again.
And this is the one time Sirius assigns both himself and his partner some value. However, with the "knowledge" that Remus is a Death Eater (spy, Sirius! He's a spy!), it's more a tribute to what used to be than anything in the present. Remus knows it, too. He knew as soon as he told Sirius about Rosier what Sirius assumed, but figured it didn't matter because he'd be dead soon anyway. I think this Remus even assumed that Voldemort was likely to win.
In the morning, Remus was gone, and Sirius knew what he had to do. He pulled on his clothes and left to talk to James.
So that's Ten Galleons. Short and not sweet and to the point I've been kind of surprised at the feedback from this- one comment that stands out in my mind is that despite the fact we all know that the situation is incredibly non-canon, it's still a very in-canon and in-character portrayal of Sirius. I hug that comment to my heart because not only do I agree, I think I captured certain elements of Sirius better in this than I do in my longer works. I've always felt that one of my weaknesses of especially Deny Thy Father is I don't get Sirius's cruelty incorporated well into the fic. The reasoning of it works in my mind- I had to strip down, and plus I don't think Sirius ever THOUGHT about how cruel he could be, which makes it even crueler in my mind. But even in Accidentally In Love, I've yet to make him really explode in temper, except at James. This Sirius has that cruel streak and the temper, but I do think here I miss some of Sirius's better qualities. He's definitely not a really easy character to write!
The good news is the baby seems completely healthy: his heartbeat is strong, he's very responsive, and frankly, he's been very active, especially at night. He's in the 8 pound range, the doctor thinks- a nice weight, a little higher than average, but not at all out of the normal range. I actually haven't been at all worried about the baby's health as far as him being late- I can feel him move pretty frequently, and there hasn't been a single scary sign. And hey, I was three weeks late, and I was my mother's first. There were a lot of people (including my darling husband) betting I'd have to be induced.
So, Friday we head down to the hospital, unless this boy decides to come before then. The doctor did say "you're not going to fight me on this, are you?", which I know he had to ask because some women want "completely natural" childbirths. Me? I'm sitting here "what is the earliest point this week you can get this kid out of me?" Natural, smatural. I'm still not convinced on the epidural, but that's because I'm irrationally afraid, not because I have Issues or anything. Ask me if I want an epidural once the contractions get going, and want to bet I overcome my fear? There are a few things I don't want- I don't want narcotic painkillers or anything- but other than that.... Meh. They know more than me about birthing, and I don't care how women have done it for millions of years. I want to do it the way they do it now.
So that's that. Now I'm debating going to see Rent, but I know I really shouldn't. It's a 20 minute drive, and what if I DO happen to go into labor? I'm trying to stay out of the car, just because it seems like a wiser idea. So I'll be good and just go to the grocery store around the corner so I can bake Christmas cookies and freeze them.
Anyway.
ladyblack_888 asked for commentary on "Ten Galleons", and as that's one of my favorites of my fics, I was only too happy to jump on that. It's not as amusing a commentary as some of my others- the fic is actually pretty short and it's definitely not a fun or funny fic. But it was interesting to do.Commentary for Ten Galleons
I'll be honest. I have a major kink for prostitution fics. And in my head, I have a major, major kink for Remus Lupin Lost Years prostitution fics. There's just one problem… they don't work.
I'm an issues sort of girl, so if I want prostitution fic, I'm not that into the sex. I'm into the angst. I'm into the feeling of being trapped, the disgust that comes along with it, and importantly- how the person gets out of the lifestyle. I'm not into the magical brothels where it sounds more like a dream job, and all the clients are quite attractive (or Snape), and the sex is always good. To me, that's kind of like the "romantic rape" fics- you know the ones, where the victim falls in love with their rapist. (I hate that.) So why does Remus Lupin prostitution fic not work? Well, if there were magical brothels that made it more like a dream job, I can't see Remus giving up the work, and if it's prostitution like I imagine desperate prostitution to be, I think Remus is far, far too proud. I truly believe he'd rather starve than sell himself, especially that way. Remus is a survivor, yes, and I do think he'd do what he had to do. But I also think he'd come up with a hell of a lot of other things to do before selling sex.
I can't get into Harry prostitution fics. Hell, I can't get into Harry sex fics at all. It's like thinking about your little brother having sex, y'know? I think a lot of it has to do with my age, but also I think that Harry feels to me much more like a real person and someone else's character, whereas a lot of the secondary characters feel more like mine once I start writing them, because JKR never gets into their heads. Does that make any sense? Anyway, I also don't think Harry would ever do it. Snape… I can't read Snape sex fics much, unless they're really angsty, angry Snupins that take place post-OotP and don't result in anything much emotionally. And who would pay canon!Snape for sex? Seriously? Ick.
But at some point, someone mentioned there are no Sirius prostitution fics. And this is silly, because Sirius would TOTALLY do it. Not because he needs the money, but because to Sirius, it would be the biggest, loudest, FUCK YOU to the world possible, and that's exactly why he'd do it. Which is what got the plot bunny going for me.
This is (obviously) outside my Accidentally In Love universe, with one small similarity, which I'll discuss at the end. It's dark and angry and bitter, and actually, I'm quite fond of this piece. It's one of the rare occasions I've managed to stay concise and to the bare bones of a short story, it stands alone pretty well, and I like the writing in it. It's an unusual experiment for me, but I think it worked.
The tense thing, however, did not. Note to self: always stay in the past tense. You do so much better that way. And now…
Ten Galleons
The first time it happened was the summer between his fifth and sixth year.
The Blacks were hosting some sort of occasion; even then Sirius couldn’t have told you for what reason. Some formal party where guests milled about in dress robes, drinks and dainty finger foods appeared over the heads of bent house elves, loud and insincere compliments were exchanged and insults were traded in razor-edged voices sheathed in satin. The best of the wizard world, the purest of bloods- or the richest, as tainted blood could be forgiven at least in association- were present, making for a very dull afternoon.
I'm very fond of the razor-edged voices sheathed in satin description there. In my novel type stuff, I try to avoid any sort of poetic description because I often suck at it. But if I hit myself at just the right time….
As for the Blacks, I do suspect they were willing to associate with people with lots of money or prestige as well. But they weren't allowed in the bloodline ;)
A loudly whispered angry argument with his mother over his manners had sent Sirius to the library in a huff. He’d been curled up on an armchair, nose deep in a book when the door had opened and an older man had walked in.
“Well, well, Sirius. I was wondering where you were.”
“You must be the only one. I didn’t think it was much of a secret that I stormed out, Mr. Jensen.”
“No, I guess not.” Jensen wandered closer, perusing the books on the shelves. “You’ve got yourself a nice little hideaway here, don’t you?”
Sirius shrugged insolently, but he lowered his book and watched the man.
I'm very fond of Sirius-the-bookworm, and in my canon, Sirius reads more than Remus does. Especially for pleasure.
There was a current in the air he couldn’t identify, but it was strong and sent tendrils of fear and something else down his nerves and up his spine. He felt it again in a pronounced jolt when he heard the lock of the library slide shut, bidden to do so by a just barely perceptible flick of Jensen’s wand. Jensen turned to him, studying him with mud brown eyes. Sirius raised an eyebrow.
“You’re a pretty boy, you know,” Jensen said finally.
You’re not, Sirius thought. Heavy jowls, grey hair, a paunch and an oversized nose were far from attractive.
One thing that annoys me about prostitution fics in general- the number of attractive clients. If the first few clients are attractive, I know I'm not getting any good Issues stuff in that fic.
“I’ll give you five galleons if you blow me.”
There were options. There were many options. He could have gotten up, stormed out of the room and slammed the door. He could have shouted for help. He could have used magic to escape; he was underage but this would qualify as an extreme circumstance and the Ministry would forgive it. There were probably more.
“I’ll do it for ten.”
Jensen’s eyes widened in shock, but he recovered quickly. “For ten I’ll be fucking you.”
Sirius met his eyes defiantly. “All right then.”
It didn’t take long, a hurried copulation of wheezing and overeager hands, sweaty palms and bad breath. Arms wrapped around him, pulling him onto a lap and holding him steady as the man beneath him rutted into him, piercing with pain and grunting like a stuck pig. Then it was over and Jensen was buckling his belt and fishing out fifteen galleons, because he’d never had it so fucking good and he’d give Sirius more if Sirius would come by his house some night.
I really wish I could get a good grasp on how much a galleon is really worth. It doesn't help that JKR doesn't seem to really know, and it REALLY doesn't help that I don't have a good grasp on the British money system myself, and how much a pound is worth compared to a dollar. The idea was supposed to be that Sirius didn't get paid a LOT of money to be a whore, and he never really cared, either.
Sirius just laughed at him, because he hadn’t done it for money and he hadn’t done it for sex and he hadn’t done it for any reason other than he knew his mother hated Jensen with a passion but had to be polite because he kept his father funded. It wasn’t an act of desperation, but a giant “fuck you” to everyone who expected him to be the perfect scion of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. Jensen retreated, confused and sputtering, and Sirius looked at the gold in his palm.
And that was how Sirius Black lost his virginity; when some disgusting man he couldn’t stand paid him fifteen galleons for it.
Normally, I try (and often fail) to be a little more discreet or subtle about a character's motives. But here, coming out and saying it worked, because I think Sirius is a very fundamentally honest person, and he was being very honest with himself about his motives.
***
The Knight Bus picked him up outside Hogwarts on a rainy November night, a week after the full moon had almost killed his best friend, his worst enemy and a perversely innocent werewolf.
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. The words ran through his head and his lips like a mantra, and enough was enough.
Sirius Black was sick of being sorry.
He's probably sick of reading fics where he has to pine for months on months with Remus never even bending towards forgiving him, too. Does anyone else HATE the term The Prank? I use it because it's easier to sum up exactly what incident I mean, but I really despise the term. I also don't really like how much importance it's frequently given. I think Sirius fucked up, yes, but Remus doesn't seem nearly as bothered about it in canon as fanon ascribes him to be. I read his hesitancy in discussing it as "Okay, I'm trying to convince you kids that this guy ISN'T a killer, but, erm, yeah… I guess if you look at it that way he DID try to kill Snape, but don't let that sway you, okay?" He was more concerned about what Harry et al. would thing rather than with his own pain at that moment. At least, that's how I read it.
I do think Remus was mad, I just don't think it took him months upon months to forgive Sirius. Sirius doesn't think. If we all know this, wouldn't one of his best friends know it even better?
So he took the bus to London and he waited on a street corner, and when some nameless bloke stopped beside him and asked if he had a light, Sirius told him he did but it was twenty pounds for the use of it.
Sex in an alley, hot and hard and with the scraping of cheek against rough brick and the taste of blood in his mouth. Hard cutting words that he needed to hear, and then his soul was cleansed as he was left used and spent amid the garbage of the alley.
He dropped the note into the sewer and hailed the bus home.
I do like the notion of Sirius indulging in a little self-punishment for it, however. (Not that he felt at ALL guilty about Snape. But I'm sure he did about any real risk to James and Remus.)
***
The Potters’ house was warmth and safety, family and love. No darkness lingered in corners, no talks of blood and pride and nobility assaulted his ears. He had a room to himself, food on the table, and the concern of two parents and now a brother in fact as much as perception.
And yet he was at odds, because for once in his life there was nothing to hate, no line to walk.
I liked this concept, because we see how self-destructive Sirius is when he's impotent. Sirius is a fighter, I think he NEEDS to fight. It's all he's ever really known. Tossing him suddenly into a family that did love each other had to have been good in many ways, but it had to have taken some adjusting as well.
“Where do you go at night?” James asked him once, as they lay on the grass in the back yard.
“I have a job,” Sirius said.
James just laughed, and Sirius laughed with him because the idea of Sirius Black working was admittedly ludicrous.
But that night he pulled on Muggle jeans and muggle t-shirt, waved good-bye to the Potters and cheerfully announced he’d be back late, because his boss was likely to keep him. He Apparated to London and leaned against a wall, waiting on a street corner.
He’d been there an hour when Brighton happened by, pretending to just be in the area even though it was obvious he was lying. Like usual it was quick and painful- Brighton never used enough lube- and like usual he called Sirius John. Obvious. Obvious and laughably pathetic, and when he was gone Sirius chuckled over it to himself, because respect was something none of his customers deserved, this one least of all. Too bloody scared to fuck the real thing, so he paid for a fantasy and settled for trash.
Because that’s what he was: trash. He was under no illusions about what he was doing, and he prettied it up with no words. He fucked people for money. He was a whore, a prostitute, a slut… whatever other slang you could come up with. There was no sexual pleasure in it; if he had orgasms he didn’t remember them, and his johns were never tender or gentle. They wanted to get off, and he gave it to them. He, the little pureblooded, mannered, cultured, educated, intelligent Black let them screw him for money and didn’t think twice.
This would be Lissa being very clear about what she thinks a prostitute's life is like. None of this romantic crap that I see so often in prostitute fics- this is much more the down and dirty. Which makes sense for the premise of this fic. Sirius isn't after money and he isn't after sex. This isn't all that different than an addiction or cutting or something for him.
It's also interesting that I have Sirius frequently bottom in this. As we all know, I have a kink for Remus bottoming and Sirius more dominant than this. But this works- and Sirius is still entirely in control.
There was a certain satisfaction in that, and that was what Sirius did it for.
***
After a while that satisfaction even began to fade, and there was nothing but cold and emptiness. He didn’t need the money because he had a job and he didn’t need the defiance because he was fighting enough for three men. At one point he stopped for a whole year.
Again, I was treating this like an addiction. When he was getting his fix from another source- his fix being the outlet he needed for how fucked up Sirius Black really is- he didn't need this version. Before things got really bad, I think he was able to deal with all his anger and hate by fighting. Once people he loved started dying, fighting wasn't enough anymore.
Then the Prewett brothers were killed, and it began to hurt.
Then he found Benjy Fenwick, torn to bits.
That's so not gonna be a fun scene in Accidentally In Love, because I really like Alice.
Then Caradoc Dearborn was gone.
I HATED writing Caradoc gone missing, and was so glad I didn't have to actually write his death, although I think it's pretty heavily implied- by my fic and by JKR just in that he disappeared, that Caradoc was tortured. ::Sniff::
Then Marlene McKinnon.
And he began to do it again, because cold and emptiness were better than the burning pain that filled him when he was thinking.
***
Ten galleons. He had never raised his price. Ten for a fuck, five for a blow. For Muggles, it was twenty pounds and ten, but it was the same principle. He could command more but he didn’t, because money was never the point.
That's also why I never really cared about the exchange rates.
It's funny how unsubtle I am in this piece, but it works. I think it works because it's about Sirius, who is one of the most unsubtle men in the series. Sirius wears his heart on his sleeve, and while he's got some unintentional double standards, I think he understands himself fairly well- or at least understands some of what he does. Not every last thing, and he certainly doesn't try to work it out or reveal it all to Harry, but I think Sirius wrestles with the darkness in him more than a lot of the characters do.
He woke up one morning in a cheap hotel room, and he knew- even though there was no proof- he’d fucked a Death Eater. It gave sleeping with the enemy a whole new meaning. But he would bet money- every last knut he had- that that was exactly what Rosier was.
Well, at least that was ten fewer galleons in a Death Eater pocket.
I hate having too many canon characters be gay, but I had to have at least one confirmed Death Eater do it.
***
Things were bad. James and Lily were marked for death, and Sirius was sure he probably was too, although he wasn't as important as Prongs was. Remus was silent those days and Peter was drawn and pale, and everything was about to go to hell. Every day could have been their last, which was stupid because that was always true, and now they couldn't even enjoy it.
He knew he shouldn’t go out when he didn’t need to. He knew he should hide. But it had never been in Sirius Black to hide, and maybe he did it just to piss off Dumbledore, who insisted that Sirius, Remus, or Peter must be a fucking traitor. Well, not in those words. But that was what he meant.
So fuck them, and fuck Dumbledore. Sirius did what he wanted.
If Harry hadn't been such an issue in OotP, I think this would have been exactly Sirius's attitude. I always got the impression he stayed inside and hid not for his own safety, but because he knew Harry needed him. Fuck Dumbledore, indeed.
***
He was standing on the street corner in the cold October wind when ten galleons were pressed into his hand. The money was real and the hand was warm, so he turned and was brought up short when he met familiar brown eyes.
Brown. Not amber. Brown. Although yes, AIL Remus has amber eyes. But that's only because Damien does.
Remus simply raised his eyebrows.
“No,” Sirius said, for the first time ever, pushing the money back into Remus’s hand.
“Yes,” Remus replied calmly, extending it. The galleons glinted brightly.
“Why?” Sirius asked, breaking another rule. He’d never asked. He’d never wanted to know.
“Because.” Remus kept the rule intact, even if he didn’t know that’s what he was doing. And then there was nothing Sirius could do but pocket the money and lead Remus to the seedy inn that rented rooms by the hour.
I really liked that moment of shocked recognition, and Sirius's immediate refusal. I don't think he wanted Remus to be a part of this, because he not only had no respect for his johns, but he had no respect for himself. His reaction would have been the same for James or Peter. Peter he still would have slept with. James is the only one he would have completely resisted it. Why? Because I think his respect for James was inviolate, and his respect for Remus was slipping, and he'd never had quite the respect for Peter anyway.
He’d wanted this, and he knew it. That was the real reason he took Remus’s money. If he had known that Remus swung this way he would have seduced him sooner, but Sirius realized he didn’t know much about Remus anymore, not because Remus never told him but because he never listened.
And, of course, this is the other reason. The real reason that Sirius never did seduce Remus in this universe is because he couldn't. He didn't want a normal relationship, he couldn't handle something where he was meant to have value. He was able to sleep with Remus when he could perceive both of them were valueless, but he couldn't have managed it as a general rule on a nightly basis. And while his respect for Remus was slipping, he still loved him, although I don't mean that completely romantically.
He undid the buttons on his jeans, the bed between him and Remus, who was undressing with shaking hands. He couldn’t look him in the eye and he was reluctant to undress, although usually he tossed his clothes aside with the arrogance of having a body worth showing. Then Remus slid between the sheets, and Sirius was in bed beside him, warm skin against warm skin.
Remus wanted Sirius to fuck him. It wasn't a request Sirius was used to, but he did it anyway. He was gentle and a little bit slow, but he heard Remus hiss with pain and suddenly he knew that this was Remus’s first time- Remus had never had sex before this. But Remus didn’t tell him that; he only ducked his head and moved awkwardly with the tempo of Sirius’s thrusts.
Because, as we know, I have a total kink for Sirius topping Remus. But also, I wanted this encounter to be completely different from any other encounter Sirius has had. I'm not fond of the second sentence- it didn't come out the way I wanted it to, and it sounds repetitive. But the rest of it, I really like.
Sirius is right- Remus is a virgin in this. I think Remus was seeing that his death was fast approaching, and he wanted to do this before he died.
They laid beside each other after, both staring at the ceiling and silent. “How did you know?” Sirius finally asked.
“Rosier was talking about it,” Remus said sleepily.
Rosier. A Death Eater. Sirius didn’t want to think about that. “What did he say?”
This is what I've gotten several questions on, and it's the one thing that doesn't quite stand alone, but it's impossible to explain. As in AIL, this Remus is a spy among the Death Eaters. I've always been convinced that Snape is not Dumbledore's only spy. I was right, although Remus does tend to be more in the werewolf circles than the inner Death Eater circles. Here, he's at least around Rosier enough to hear Rosier talk. And Sirius guessed right- Rosier was making a joke of it, and Remus didn't really want Sirius to know that the Death Eaters were laughing at him.
Remus must have thought about this a lot, and I think he realized what Sirius was doing and why. Notice that Remus never actually tries to seduce Sirius either- he just goes and pays. I kind of associate this with Remus's reluctance (now canon!) to enter a relationship in general. Like Sirius, Remus isn't ready for a healthy relationship. And so, he settles for this.
Remus shrugged. There was something about that shrug that is guilty and defensive, like Remus was hiding something, and Sirius thought maybe it had nothing to do with the fact Remus just admitted he betrayed them, but rather that Remus realized that Sirius is a joke in Death Eater circles.
There were so many things he could have done. Many options. He could have hexed Remus then and there. Bound him, turned him in, kept the others safe. He could have challenged him to a duel and gone down in a burst of green light when Remus killed him. He could have ordered Remus out, and never spoken to him again. But Sirius pulled him close, kissing him softly and coaxing him back, and for the first time he slept with someone without getting paid. And yet he knew that it wasn't an act of love but one of farewell, because one of them was going to kill the other and nothing would ever be right again.
And this is the one time Sirius assigns both himself and his partner some value. However, with the "knowledge" that Remus is a Death Eater (spy, Sirius! He's a spy!), it's more a tribute to what used to be than anything in the present. Remus knows it, too. He knew as soon as he told Sirius about Rosier what Sirius assumed, but figured it didn't matter because he'd be dead soon anyway. I think this Remus even assumed that Voldemort was likely to win.
In the morning, Remus was gone, and Sirius knew what he had to do. He pulled on his clothes and left to talk to James.
So that's Ten Galleons. Short and not sweet and to the point I've been kind of surprised at the feedback from this- one comment that stands out in my mind is that despite the fact we all know that the situation is incredibly non-canon, it's still a very in-canon and in-character portrayal of Sirius. I hug that comment to my heart because not only do I agree, I think I captured certain elements of Sirius better in this than I do in my longer works. I've always felt that one of my weaknesses of especially Deny Thy Father is I don't get Sirius's cruelty incorporated well into the fic. The reasoning of it works in my mind- I had to strip down, and plus I don't think Sirius ever THOUGHT about how cruel he could be, which makes it even crueler in my mind. But even in Accidentally In Love, I've yet to make him really explode in temper, except at James. This Sirius has that cruel streak and the temper, but I do think here I miss some of Sirius's better qualities. He's definitely not a really easy character to write!
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no subject
Date: 2005-11-29 04:56 pm (UTC)I was a little surprised at myself because I couldn't remember reading this fic before and I thought I'd read most of yours, but I agree that it's one of the most IC fics I've ever read for such a highly-unlikely-in-canon plot. And it's always so interesting to read the commentary. :)
I do think Remus was mad, I just don't think it took him months upon months to forgive Sirius. Sirius doesn't think. If we all know this, wouldn't one of his best friends know it even better?
That is pretty much how I see The Prank and its aftermath too, although I suspect that the memory of that incident did make it easier for him to accept (apparently) without question that Sirius was the traitor.
The real reason that Sirius never did seduce Remus in this universe is because he couldn't. He didn't want a normal relationship, he couldn't handle something where he was meant to have value.
I've got something of an obsession with pre-Halloween R/S and general things-fall-apart fics and this is among the best articulations I've seen of the fucked-up dynamics of that period, especially because I tend to think that Remus, for different reasons, would have felt the same.
Thanks for sharing. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-11-29 11:04 pm (UTC)although I suspect that the memory of that incident did make it easier for him to accept (apparently) without question that Sirius was the traitor.
I agree, although I always wonder how much Remus accepted it vs. how little power he had to do anything about it! But yeah, that had to have stuck in his head.
especially because I tend to think that Remus, for different reasons, would have felt the same.
Totally agree about Remus. (In fact, I think it's probably pretty canon he normally felt that way about relationships in general at this point!)
Glad you enjoyed it!
no subject
Date: 2005-11-29 06:11 pm (UTC)I love the DVD commentary meme and I'm glad you decided to comment on "Ten Galleons." You bet it's dark and gritty and painful--it was a dark and gritty and painful time. It's telling that in the end here, Sirius takes most of his cruelty out on himself.
no subject
Date: 2005-11-29 11:07 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed the commentary- I love doing them :)
no subject
Date: 2005-11-29 08:12 pm (UTC)As for money... I do think that £20 would be remarcably cheep. I don't pretend to know much about these things but I think that, on average, it would be closer to £100. But then that just gets across the idea that Sirius was doing it cheeply and not for the money. If you ever need any help/idea for what money or a pound in Britain will cost you let me know, I can give you some examples which might cross.
Generally a chocolate bar is about 30-40 pence (about 1/2 a pound). Eating out cheeply tends to be anywhere from £3-10. A loaf of bread is about 40-70p. Any other idea of exchanges? Let me know if you want any ideas.
But anyway, great fic and wonderful commenty. A pleasure to read!
no subject
Date: 2005-11-29 11:15 pm (UTC)Thanks for the perspective on the exchange rate and prices! 20 pounds then is probably about what I had in mind for Sirius- like you said, not for money.
Glad you enjoyed it! :)
no subject
Date: 2005-11-29 10:44 pm (UTC)Sneaking in before that... I have those Accio Bananas icons I promised! There here at handwashedicons (http://www.livejournal.com/community/handwashedicons/3548.html). I hope you enjoy them. *g*
(now I'm going to read this fic you're commentating provided i don't get interrupted.)
no subject
Date: 2005-11-29 11:02 pm (UTC)Thanks again!
no subject
Date: 2005-11-29 11:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-30 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-08 07:54 am (UTC)I know you don't care about the real values and that is half the point to this story. But seeing as 10 galleons is nearly 50 dollars that alone makes me glad to be a muggle since he only charges 20. Does Sirius service females as well?
Congrats on Toby coming home safe and healthy and good luck getting some sleep in the next few weeks.