AIL2 Commentary, Part 3

[lls_mutant]

***

Transformations without the others were no longer just exhausting; they were just short of torture. The truth was they weren't any worse than before Sirius, James, and Peter had started keeping him company, but now that Remus knew how pleasant transformations could be, unaided ones seemed much more painful.

He'd woken up on the sofa in the living room, with his wounds largely healed by his father's wand. There would be a new scar on his knee, and it looked like maybe a small one on his stomach. Remus sighed. The great thing about Madame Pomfrey was she could heal most wounds without scarring. But Remus didn't have the energy to care. He pulled the blanket around him tighter.

My Remus does have scars, and enough that you would ask him about them. However, he doesn't have as many as some Remus's do. His father IS a wizard, but he's a bit clumsy with the healing spells. Most of his time at Hogwarts, Remus didn't scar at all, because he had Madame Pomfrey. And my older Remus was able to heal most of his wounds without scarring. It's only the deep ones that left scars.

The living room was dim in the pre-dawn, and the only light came from the brightly lit Christmas tree. The twinkling lights from the tree disguised the worn appearance of the furniture and made then tiny room look cozy rather than cramped.

On the end table beside the couch there was a framed photograph of the three of them. Remus picked it up, studying it. It had been taken in the summer three years ago, when they'd gone on a trip to Brighton. All three of them were wearing Muggle clothing- t-shirts, jeans, and sneakers. Remus stood in the middle, his arms around both his parents' shoulders. The three of them were laughing- Remus remembered the portly wizard who'd taken their picture telling them an incredibly corny joke.

"I remember that trip."

Remus snapped his head around to stare at his father. "It was only three years ago."

"That long?" The colored lights were reflecting off Damien's glasses, making it hard to see his eyes.

"Between my fourth and fifth year," Remus said. "You wanted to take us to Greece but the Ministry wouldn't let us." He smirked. "Wouldn't let me."

Damien sighed and sat down in an armchair across from Remus. He leaned forward and Remus handed him the picture. "You look happy in this," his father finally said.

Remus shrugged.

"I haven't seen you look this happy for two years now. Is that how long you've known?"

"Since fifth year. Yeah."

"And Alphard knew?"

"Yeah."

"He never-"

"No. Never." Remus shifted awkwardly. "No one's ever." Damien made a face and turned back to the picture.

Although one of these days I need to write that AU where Alphard and Remus do sleep together.

"I want to see you like this again, Remus," Damien finally said, tapping the picture against the palm of his hand. "You think you might be now that it's out in the open?"

"I think it will help." Remus chewed his lip. "I've been happy at school," he said heavily. "I don't mind hiding it there. It's just hiding here. Around you and Mum. Lying to you."

"Well then."

"Yeah." Remus stared down at his blanket. "Dad?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For..." he spread his arms helplessly. "For this."

"Yeah, well. Nothing we can do about it, your mother says," Damien said sourly. "Are you sure this isn't just a phase?"

"Positive."

Damien grimaced. "There's nothing you can do about it."

"No. Don't you think I would have?"

"I guess so." Damien set the picture down and clasped his hands together, elbows on his knees. "I don't know what you want me to say."

That I'm still your son. That you're okay with this. That.... Remus stopped himself. "I don't know either."

They sat in the living room, the lights of the Christmas tree coloring their faces.

The reconciliation here is probably one of my favorite scenes in the whole damn arc. I was really, really happy with this once I finally settled on it. It's sad and it's frustrating and it's raw, but it's also got some hope in it as well, because you do know eventually they'll move through it. And they do.

***

"So he's speaking to you again?" Sirius asked softly. They were in their room after returning to Hogwarts. James was downstairs with Lily and Peter was involved in a conversation with Emily. Sirius sat cross-legged on Remus's bed, Remus's head in his lap as Remus lay on his back and stared up at the canopy. They'd never sat like this before, and certainly not on a bed, but tonight it felt natural and comforting.

"Yeah. Advantages of a transformation," Remus said wryly. "I can get away with murder afterwards."

"Don't say that," Sirius said softly, his fingers stroking Remus's hair.

"Why not? It's nice that there's a good side to it." Remus opened his eyes, blinking up at Sirius. "Might as well use it."

"Shameless," Sirius chastised. "Why did you tell them, anyway? You didn't have to."

"I know. But I really don't like lying to them."

"You've never told us."

"You know."

"You never told me."

"True, I suppose."

"It is. Would you have told me?" He kept running his fingers through Remus's hair, watching the light play on the strands.

"Maybe. I don't really know. It's not easy."

"No," Sirius admitted. "I don't imagine it is." He leaned down and kissed Remus's forehead softly- another new intimacy that might be called daring if it hadn't been intended solely for comfort. Remus smiled up at him, and Sirius stroked his hair back gently. "It's not easy at all."

At this point, Sirius is completely aware that he wants Remus, but he's not ready to fully admit it. This is also when Remus does start wondering if his mother isn't right, and if Sirius is gay. He tries not to get his hopes up, but this is definitely more touchy-feely than they've ever been, and he does a bit, I think.

***

"Hey Remus," Sirius asked on a cold Friday night in late January as he flipped Exploding Snap cards at the wall. "What are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing," Remus sighed. He was draped across the arms of a chair, hanging upside down as he tried to levitate a few gobstones. "You know, this is much harder when you have to think which way is up. I was going to do my Astronomy essay with Pete-"

For some reason, I love making my characters abuse furniture and hang upside down off of it. I have no idea why.

"Exciting."

"Yeah, I know. But it doesn't matter. Mr. Wormtail decided he's done moping about Miss Fairchild and he'd rather get up the guts to chase the lovely Miss Lovegood, and now I can't be arsed to even look at the bloody thing. Wingardium Leviosa!"

"And?"

"It's sort of bobbing. Look." (The gobstone hadn't much moved.)

"No, stupid. Did Wormtail get Lovegood to go out with him?"

"That's an affirmative. They went to Hogsmeade."

"No!"

Tina Lovegood was supposed to be what JKR considers Lily, although obviously, not quite as sweet. But beautiful, popular, and smart… and she likes wearing the pants in the relationship, which is part of why she and Peter are a good match. Peter is SO whipped.

"Yup. So Pads..." he tried again and this time the gobstone began to dance through the air. "Got any brilliant ideas?"

"Yes, actually. Why should we have to have dates to go out on a Friday night?"

"Huh?"

"Sit up and listen to me properly." Remus obeyed, his face a dull red as he put his hand to his head to stop the world from spinning. "Seriously," Sirius continued, "why should Friday nights be reserved for romance? Let's just get out of here and go to the Three Broomsticks so I can kick your arse at snooker."

He's got a point. And I do wonder (although I don't get the impression we're right) if seventh years have a little more freedom to go to Hogsmeade than the underclasses do. It doesn't really sound like it, given that Harry doesn't seem to have more freedom in HBP, but James and Lily do actually date, so…. I don't think JKR knows, either.

"Except for the fact it will be me kicking your arse, that sounds great."

Going to Hogsmeade with Remus was nothing like going out with James, Sirius thought. There would be no bugging Madame Rosmerta to sell them firewhiskey, and no loud singing in the streets. But it was no less fun, especially when they spotted James and Lily in the window of the Budding Rose and made hideous faces against the glass.

Because that's so what boys would do at this point.

"He's going to kill us," Remus laughed without the slightest bit of remorse after the maitre d' had chased them away.

"Or she will, when he tells her what we were doing to distract him," Sirius agreed with a grin.

"Oh well. Y'know," Remus said, walking on the curb and holding his arms out to balance himself, "Evans isn't half-bad."

"What, you fancy her?" Sirius teased. Remus scooped up a handful of slush and pelted him in the head. "Hey! You-" Sirius sprang and tackled Remus into a nearby snow bank. Remus tried to fend him off with a handful of snow in the face, but Sirius wrestled with him until he had Remus's wrists pinned to the snow.

Heh. I even work that top/bottom kink of mine into the flirting. Don't think either Remus or Sirius wasn't enjoying this arrangement!

"So," he said conversationally as Remus struggled to get out from under him. "Let me ask you again, now that I have you at my mercy. Do you fancy Evans?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Pads. You know she's not my type. I like a nice tight ass and a long, hard- what?" Remus demanded as Sirius sputtered with laughter.

"First, I'm not going to jump off you and let you go just because you remind me you're gay, Moony. You'll have to do better than that. And second, you sound ridiculous!"

"Gee. Thanks."

"It's just the innocent face and the prefect thing you've got going."

I have a very, very hard time making Remus talk dirty. I can do it with Sirius, but I can't so easily with Remus.

"What?" Remus asked, lips twitching evilly. "Prefects can't talk dirty?"

Sirius snorted. "No!"

"So I can't tell you I'd go down on some guy, that I would get down on my knees and run my hands up his thighs and take him in my mouth until he came down my throat?" he said with a perfectly angelic expression.

"Nope. Wait- have you done that?"

"Yes. And since that doesn't work, I can't tell you I'd fuck some guy? Lean him over a desk and pull up his robes and pound into him until we're both shaking with it?"

"Erm..." Sirius was most definitely aware that his body was listening intently to Remus's words and liking the experience, especially the husky, deep quality of Remus's voice painting vivid pictures in Sirius's mind.

"Or I can't tell you that I'd let some bloke fuck me? Let him do exactly what I said... lean me over some desk and pull up my robes and pound into me until- Gotcha," he said as Sirius scrambled off of him.

If you can't tell, part of it is because I'M not good at dirty talk. Plus, I think while it might sound really sexy in the heat of the moment, it looks really stupid written on paper.

"Yeah," Sirius panted, his attention focused on willing a growing erection to go away. "You sure did."

"Anyway," Remus said, standing up and brushing snow off his robes, "my point is... I forgot what my point was." He pulled out his wand and sent a drying charm at Sirius. "Oh. Right. Evans. She's not half-bad."

"Have you really done all that, Moony?" Sirius asked, completely ignoring him.

"The first one, yeah," Remus muttered, looking away from Sirius. "Twice, with Alex. The other two, no. Never."

"How was it?"

"Huh?" Remus started walking towards the Three Broomsticks again, obviously doing his best to evade the question.

"How was it?" Sirius persisted. "Going down on some guy?"

Remus turned and studied him as he chewed on his lower lip and weighed Sirius's question. For a long moment Sirius was afraid Remus would ask why exactly he wanted to know. But Remus simply sighed and answered.

The second tumbler clicks into place, and Remus thinks that maybe… yes, maybe….

"It was okay," he admitted. "I mean, I liked doing it, but well... I suck at it. Hey! Stop that!" He backhanded Sirius in the chest as he snorted at the unintentional double entendre. "I don't know. I think I would have liked it more if the situation had been different."

"Did he do it do you?"

Sirius could see Remus blush in the lamplight. "Yes."

"Did you like that?"

"Nosy, aren't you? Yes." Remus knelt down to tie an errant shoelace. "Did you do it with Alex?"

"What, go down on her?"

"Yeah. If you get to be nosy, I do too."

"No," Sirius confessed. "I probably should have though."

"She did it to you?"

"Yeah."

"Did you like it?"

"It was a blow job. What's not to like about a blow job?"

Remus looked up from where he was kneeling at Sirius's feet. "Yeah. I know." They stood frozen for a moment, both aware of the suggestiveness of the position. And as Sirius watched, Remus's eyebrows quirked upwards just a little, probably without Remus even knowing it.

If Sirius had only asked, I suspect Remus might have blown him right then and there. Or maybe not. It IS cold out.

"Come on," Sirius said in a hoarse voice, putting out a hand and pulling Remus to his feet. "I'm supposed to be kicking your arse at snooker."

"Right. Snooker." Remus started for the Three Broomsticks again. This time Sirius followed.

***

Neither of them gave it much thought, or so it seemed. But on Friday nights when James was courting Lily and Peter was successfully wooing Tina, Remus and Sirius were on their own together. They became regulars at the Three Broomsticks, although nights in their dorm were not uncommon either, especially as N.E.W.T.s approached.

Because I do think they actually cared about their grades.

Remus noticed that Sirius never went out with girls. He tried not to read anything into it, and told himself over and over that Sirius was simply his best friend. But the nights they were alone together felt different. Easy, comfortable, and friendly, but with a jolt of something else that sometimes sent his hair standing on end.

Sirius noticed the way Remus's eyes lit up when they were alone. He noticed the tentativeness, the hesitancy every time Remus touched him. The touches were never sexual; just a hand on his shoulder or brushed over his hair. But there was more there, and Sirius knew it. Remus was still interested, and very much so.

He didn't know what to do about it, or even what he wanted to do about it. Remus was not someone you slept with just to sort out your sex life, and not someone just to use and discard. It didn't have to mean everything, but it couldn't mean nothing, either. Because that was how Remus operated, and the consideration Remus deserved. It was because of Remus's insecurities and Remus's fears and Remus's desires. Right?

Right.

***

"Hey Remus, can I ask you something?" James said as the two of them patrolled the corridors on a chilly March night.

"Can't stop you," Remus said with a shrug.

"Is Sirius seeing someone?"

"Huh? Why are you asking me? Ask him."

"I have. He says no, but..." James shrugged.

For all that James and Sirius were best friends, and Remus and Sirius were lovers (at least, here), I firmly believe there needs to be more fics with interactions that aren't just those two. More James-Remus, James-Peter, and Sirius-Peter and Remus-Peter. Cause they were all friendships as well, and that's canon, damn it.

"Then why don't you believe him?" Remus peered into a classroom, ostensibly to check that it was empty but more to gain a few precious seconds to control his expression.

"I do, I think, but... look. Every Friday night he actually showers and shaves and puts on aftershave before he goes out, and he dresses like he's trying to impress someone."

"He's just going out with me," Remus said, his heart taking on an odd rhythm.

"That's what he says, too. But I was wondering if there was someone else and you were covering for him."

"James, why would I cover for him? Lily's with you those nights, so it's not like he's running around with her. What could he possibly have to hide?" And when would his heart start beating normally again? Shower and shaving and dressing to impress... it was deliberate. It was. Sirius knew that Remus was gay, there was absolutely no question about that. And as thoughtless as Sirius could be sometimes, it was always that impulsive thoughtlessness, not sustained, planned jerking around that-

I truly believe this about Sirius's thoughtlessness, too, at least in regards to people he cares about. Sure, he might spend hours thinking of how to make a fool or torment someone he doesn’t like, but I think when he's thoughtless towards his friends (like The Prank), it's just that- impulsive thoughtlessness, not deliberate cruelty.

"Remus? Did you hear me?"

"Huh? No, sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I thought I heard something."

"I said, is there anyone you come across all the time when you're out?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Well, if you find out anything, tell me or get him to tell me, will you?"

"All right," Remus agreed, still in a daze.

Sirius was dressing up for him.

The next Friday night Remus made sure he took a shower before going out. He wore a red shirt that Emily Fairchild had said looked good on him and a pair of jeans that was just a bit tighter than usual, and he made sure the brown leather collar was visible at his throat. Sirius didn't actually say anything, but Remus was pretty sure his smile was a little wider and Remus didn't think it was his imagination that Sirius's eyes lingered.

He probably should be wearing robes, but I have a thing for guys in tight jeans.

No. He was not getting into this again. Alone, aloof werewolf. Alone, aloof werewolf. Alone... oh shit.

That night he paced the dorm room once his roommates were asleep, and came to several important conclusions:

1. IF Sirius was actually gay (and this was not saying that he was, mind you) and IF he was interested in Remus (which again, was not a given), then it did not have to mean they had to have sex. After all, James was friends with Tina Lovegood. She was pretty, he was good-looking, both were interested in the opposite sex and they did not date. He and Sirius could be attracted to each other and not get into anything.

2. IF they decided to have sex (yeah, right), it did NOT have to lead to any sort of relationship. Sex between friends was hardly unheard of, and if you knew each other well enough it didn't have to mess up anything.

3. IF they had sex and IF it was good and IF Sirius wanted to do it again and they could form some sort of relationship, no formal commitment had to be made. Heck- no formal commitment COULD be made. So Sirius did not have to tell the world he was having sex with a werewolf, and didn't have to deal with the shit the world would throw at him, and Remus could sleep at night knowing he hadn't dragged his best friend into a life of discrimination and hate.

4. IF there was a relationship, and IF people DID find out about it, there was no guarantee that Remus was correct in his perception of how the world would view it.

5. So all in all, Remus had nothing to worry about, because they wouldn't have to face the world because there would be no commitment because that would require the non-existent relationship which would have meant that they would have had to have good sex which would have to mean they had to have had SEX, and that would have to come from Sirius being interested in Remus and in order to do that Sirius would have to be gay, which he wasn't, so this was all for nothing and Remus didn't have to worry. Alone, aloof werewolf. Alone, aloof werewolf.

Except that Sirius was dressing for him.

I think this list is what actually started bringing AIL out into the light in some ways. I know the list format caught aome's eye when she was coding/uploading, and that's when she read the fics, and then on her recommendation heidi8 read them, almost a year ago. Between the two of them reccing me and Nimue at FAP Niffling Deny Thy Father… I really have to thank the three of them, because I think they're really the ones who made my stuff public. So thanks ladies!

***

"Hey Padfoot," James hissed.

Sirius started out of his thoughts. "What?"

"You up for a run to The Three Broomsticks?"

"Is there enough grease in Snape's hair to make take-aways jealous?" Sirius stood up. "Let's go."

James and Sirius never had trouble sneaking out of the tower, especially now that James bore the Head Boy badge. Of course, the sneaking out had dropped off considerably with the acquisition of said badge and the Head Girl, but it was still far from infrequent.

"It feels good to be out," James said, stretching in the cool night air. "You got the map?"

Sirius consulted it. "We're fine. Not a professor in sight and Filch is in his office snogging his cat. After you, Mr. Prongs."

Within moments, a regal stag and a huge black dog were innocently waltzing out of Hogwarts without a care in the world.

I just love that image. Hehe.

"You know," James said once they'd transformed back and were entering the pub, "we really owe Remus for this."

"It does make life so much more fun," Sirius agreed. "Not too crowded tonight. C'mon. Let's get seats at the bar."

Seats at the bar might have been attractive for flirting with the barmaid or begging for firewhiskey, but Sirius and James soon decided to move. The talk at the bar was thick with another Death Eater attack.

"It's not that I don't care," James said as they sat in a booth.

"You care too much." Sirius rolled a butterbeer bottle between his hands. "They said two wizards this time. Muggle-borns."

"Yeah. Something like that could happen to Lily."

"Or to Moony," Sirius said quietly.

James bit his lip and looked down at the table. Sirius didn't blame him. It wasn't exactly his favorite subject either.

"Dumbledore's been talking to me," James said quietly. "About after Hogwarts."

"What about it?"

"He wants to know if I'll help him fight Voldemort."

Sirius whistled through his teeth. "Pretty high compliment, Prongs. You're going to, right?"

"Better believe it." James looked up and met Sirius's eyes. "You in?"

"James, I've applied to Auror training after this," Sirius explained with mock patience. "Do you really have to ask?"

Sirius and Auror-training: I know, I know. Sirius as an Auror is a huge cliché. However, it's one I'm willing to accept, because I think there's at least some canon basis for it, although I wouldn't go so far as to call it evidence. It's when Harry parrots Sirius's logic that "Mad-Eye Moody" tells him his mind works like an Auror's. There's a lot of reasons I won't take it as evidence: for one, it's not really Mad-Eye Moody there, and for two, just because Sirius can think like an Auror doesn't mean he was an Auror. But hey, it's at least a canon basis that Sirius might have headed that direction, and Sirius being an Auror is a huge plot point in my fic later, so…. Nyeh. Screw fanon clichés. Sometimes they actually aren't all bad ;)

James's face split into a broad grin. "Thought so. All for one and all that, right?"

"Right." Sirius lifted his drink and clanked it against James's. "Speaking of Moony," Sirius said, jumping back several sentences in their conversation, "What was with him today? I haven't seen him that mad since Christmas."

"He didn't tell you?"

"No."

"He walked in on Alex Sellers kissing Alex Sommers in the library when they were all meeting for their Arithmancy project."

This was supposed to set up Alex Sellers and Alex Sommers (who's bi here) getting married eventually, during the Lost Years. I had this whole Lost Years Christmas story, where Alex… well, I won't tell you what happened. But anyway, she and their baby eventually died. The story came out pretty crappy though, and so I never published it anywhere. Since then, I've changed my ideas, and Alex Sommers never did marry. He and Remus did stay in contact though until… oh screw it, look away if you don't want to know… Alex died of AIDS. Remus was there with him through it though. Of course, that's another thing that will never be canon or even close, but hey.

Sirius cringed, stung on more than one level. "Is he okay?"

"Bloody furious, but he's all right," James said. "Funny. I always thought that Sommers was a poof."

"Yeah, me too," Sirius agreed. He took a long drink. "What made you think it?"

"Heard him talking about some bloke he was seeing this semester."

"To whom?"

"Actually, Alex Sellers."

Sirius's heart, which had accelerated rapidly, slowed back down. "Oh. Well."

"Weird," James said.

"Hey Prongs?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't have a problem with it, do you?"

James shrugged. "Why should I care who Sommers shags?"

"Good." Sirius began to form the words in his head.

"You've got to admit though," James continued, "it's not natural."

"Yeah. Well." Sirius swallowed both drink and confession hastily, but James wasn't done.

"It's disgusting, really. I mean, two blokes who want to get it on together..." he shuddered, and Sirius considered whacking him over the head with his bottle. "Could you imagine being roommates with one? I'll bet he watches them all and just thinks about what he could do. Or even does it."

Tell me you haven't heard teenaged boys talk like this. Seriously.

"Oh, come on," Sirius said.

"No, I'm serious," James insisted, although he was laughing. "A sleeping potion or a memory charm and bam! You'd never even remember it and just wonder why your arse is sore the next morning."

"Odd that you've got it worked out so well," Sirius said dryly.

"Padfoot, you know I'm kidding about that part, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Seriously. I don't think they're all like that. But you've got to admit it's not normal."

James's eyes were serious now, and Sirius sighed deeply, making a split-second decision. "Guess so," he admitted, all too aware he was telling the truth. "It's not normal at all."

***

"Does it ever bother you?" Sirius asked as he and Remus returned the school brooms from a pick-up game of Quidditch.

"What? That I'm not on the team?" Remus was struggling to put the school broom back in the broom shed. "Sometimes, like when everyone is cheering and everything, I guess. But not normally. Good game today, by the way."

I've always been fond of my version of Remus liking to play Quidditch and being a hell of a beater. There's absolutely no canon basis for it- I just get tired of the cliché that Remus wasn't as into Quidditch as everyone else. Where does that come from, anyway? In PoA, Remus can talk about Quidditch just fine with Harry (and does bring it up) and he's at the match. I'd say Remus likes Quidditch just as much as most other people in the wizarding world.

"It was a nice break," Sirius agreed. "That wasn't what I meant though."

"What did you mean?" Remus flopped down next to Sirius, tilting his face up to enjoy the early spring sunshine. "Lots of things bother me."

"Being... well...?"

"A werewolf or gay? With that tone, it's one of the two." Remus propped himself up on his shoulders.

"Gay," Sirius confirmed.

"Yes. Quite a bit. Why else would I hide it?" Remus was surprised to hear how light his own voice sounded.

"I guess," Sirius agreed doubtfully. "But, I mean, do you ever think it's not normal?"

Remus's snort was as eloquent a response as anything he ever could have said.

"Sorry."

"No, Pads, it's okay. It's just you're not saying anything I haven't said in my own head, millions of times. It's not normal, but there's nothing I can do about, so..." Remus shrugged. "Unless you want another round of Quidditch-"

"NO! No more of your bludgers!"

"Then let's change the subject, shall we?"

"All right." Sirius lay down on the grass. "Did James talk to you about this thing with Dumbledore?"

"Yes. You know I'm in." Remus's voice was savage, not at Sirius but with passion. "Dumbledore talked to me as well."

"Really?"

"He's going to talk to you, too, Pads. It's just he wants to talk to us separately."

"What did he say?"

"Not much, really," Remus sighed. "A lot of rhetoric about danger and responsibility and stuff we already know."

"Ugh."

"Yeah."

"Is Wormtail in, do you think?"

Remus considered. "He's scared," he admitted, "but I think he will. Pete's good that way."

I like the idea that Peter was just as devoted as any of them from the start. And I can understand his fear. Frankly, he was right to be scared!

"Yeah. I know. Hey Remus?"

"Yes?"

Sirius played with the grass, hesitating. Remus had the impression he was going to ask or say something incredibly big. But he deflated at the last minute, and shook his head.

"No, nothing. But... thanks."

Remus met his eyes, not as baffled as he wanted to believe. "Any time, Sirius. Any time."

Sirius smiled.

And yes. At this point Remus is positive that Sirius is gay, and he realizes that Sirius just tried to come out to him and chickened out. He also has a pretty good suspicion Sirius might be interested in him. But Remus knows what it feels like to be pressured, and he doesn't want to pressure Sirius at all.

***

"She said yes!"

Peter walked into the dorm room, arms held up triumphantly. James, Sirius and Remus looked up from their game of Exploding Snap.

"What?" James demanded, a surprised smile breaking across his face. "Did she really?"

"She really did. Tina Lovegood- THE Tina Lovegood-"

"Of the D cup knockers," Sirius inserted.

Knockers probably isn't all that British.

"And the long blonde hair," Remus added.

"THAT Tina Lovegood said she'd go steady with me!" Peter punched the air.

I like Peter having some good luck and reasons to be happy.

James cheered. "After a devastating crash and burn with Emily Fairchild, Chaser Peter Pettigrew has gotten up the field with this one. He swerves, he shoots, he scores, and GOOOOOOOAAAL! The crowd goes wild!"

Sirius and Remus obligingly added the required cheering crowd noises as Peter ran around the room, arms outstretched, and then collapsed on his bed.

I think I picked this up after watching Bend It Like Beckam, when Jess runs around like this after she scores a goal or something. And Quidditch announcers can yell GOOOOOOAAAL just as well as soccer announcers can.

"It was brilliant," he declared, sighing at the ceiling. "Simply brilliant. I never thought I'd pull a girl as great as Tina. She's smart, she's gorgeous, she's fun, she's... she's amazing." A gagging noise came from Remus's general direction. "Shove it, Moony. She's just got this way of lighting up when I talk to her and her smile... man."

"I think we should quarantine him," Sirius told Remus. "Obviously James's mush disease is contagious." Remus nodded enthusiastically.

"You guys are just jealous," James protested.

"Oh yes Prongs, that's it," Sirius shot back with good natured sarcasm. "I've been dying to dream up extravagant compliments-"

"And go to Madame Puddifoot's instead of the Three Broomsticks," Remus joined in.

I always snicker when R/S fics take them to Madame Puddifoots voluntarily. The only reason that Hogwarts boys go to that place is that they're hoping for some action. Seriously.

"And miss Quidditch practices-"

"And spend all my money on dinners and flowers-"

"And be asked 'what are you thinking?' all the time-"

I have it on good authority that this is intensely annoying. It's also annoying if someone does it to you.

"And have to deal with jealousy when I want to hang out with my friends-"

"And be asked 'does this make me look fat?'-"

Guys? The right answer is "I think you look beautiful." Just so you know.

"And to deal with giggling friends who talk about me-"

"And to put up with 'that time of the month'- OW! Moony!"

"Sorry," Remus said too innocently. "That time of the month."

Sirius whacked him in the back of the head. "Us against them, remember?"

"Oh yeah. Sorry, Pads."

"You two are hopeless," James said, sitting down next to Peter. "You've got it so wrong."

"Nah. We're just picky," Sirius said, slipping his arm around Remus's shoulder.

"Which is why you two have spent every Friday night for the past four months alone together while James and I have gone out with girls," Peter pointed out.

I'm not much for James and Peter pressuring Remus and Sirius to get girls. Most guys don't really care that much, and given how fucked up their lives are, I'd think James and Peter would understand that Remus and Sirius aren't out chasing, not try to pressure them.

"Exactly!" Sirius agreed. "We're very picky! What girl can measure up to you guys? Especially Moony here?" He ruffled Remus's hair and Remus blushed.

I'd fuck Sirius Black...

Sirius was conscious of Remus's thin shoulders under his arm and the softness of his hair. He was aware of the scent of him in his nostrils, the warmth of his body, and the gentle motions of his breathing.

And most of all, he was aware that given the chance, he'd fuck Remus Lupin right back.

***

"Hey Moony," Sirius said softly, walking into the room. Remus jumped and slammed the book he was reading shut guiltily. Sirius could see the cover: Household Pests. His heart leapt to his throat, because he instinctively knew this was it.

"Where are the others?" Remus asked.

"Relax. Prongs is at Quidditch all afternoon and Tina and Wormtail are studying outside. Budge over, will you?" Remus's eyes locked on him in a wary, worried sort of way, but he obeyed.

Sirius lay down on Remus's bed and opened the book back up. "What page were you on?" he asked as casually as if the pictures had been of transfiguration diagrams and not gay sex. Remus flipped the pages until he found his place. "Mind if I just read with you?" Sirius asked.

"If this sort of thing interests you," Remus said. His voice was even, but Sirius noticed his hand was trembling as he fidgeted with the page.

Remus gets the guts to ask…

"It does, actually," Sirius admitted, looking down at the book and refusing to meet Remus's eyes as a sudden unexpected wave of embarrassment flooded him.

And Sirius finally gets the guts to confess. I really didn't want it to be a big deal, long, drawn out scene though.

"Well then," Remus said after a silence that stretched far too long, "tell me when you want me to turn the page." He settled back down on the bed, laying on his stomach and sharp chin resting on his folded arms, book propped open on the pillow. Sirius affected a similar position, his shoulder and upper arm against Remus's. There was only the sound of breathing and the gentle rustle of turning pages.

"You know," Remus mused, twenty pages later, "for all we joke about it, it seems an odd sort of thing to want to do."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, just like... I mean... here. Would you want to stick your finger up my nose?"

"Yuck, no," Sirius chuckled. He turned on his side to face Remus, propping his head up with his hand. "That's really disgusting, Moony."

"Exactly," Remus agreed. "And that's not half as intimate as," he gestured vaguely in the directing of the book, "as sticking your...."

"Cock?" Sirius supplied, grinning as Remus turned red.

"Yes. Up someone's arse. Or having someone stick theirs up yours." Remus was red to the tips of his ears now, his eyes fastened firmly on the page.

Sirius thought about it, beyond the more pleasant aspects. "I guess when you put it that way I can't imagine why anyone would do it either," he agreed. "With a bloke or with a girl."

They have a point. Really, sex is such an odd thing. I understand why people would do it, obviously, but when you try to describe it… or when you watch it… it's really kind of silly looking.

"Have you ever done it with either?" Remus asked. Sirius shook his head. "Me neither."

"Do you think you might? Someday soon, I mean?"

"Don't know. It kind of, well, not scares me, but... bothers me, I guess. With everything my life is, I just never want to tie anyone to me. If that makes any sense."

Canon! Canon! Canon!!

"Yeah, it does, actually."

"Do you think that you'll do it soon?"

"Yes, but I'm not there yet. It does scare me, but if you tell James or Peter that I'll kill you. But you should know."

Remus turned to face Sirius. "Why should I know?"

"Because I think it's going to be with you."

Remus's eyes widened as the words hung in the air between them. Sirius's heart pounded in his chest, in his ears, in his lungs as he stared helplessly at Remus until a smile spread across Remus's lips.

"Same here. It's going to be with you," he said quietly, and Sirius could breathe again.

I'm really happy with that exchange. It's not romantic, it's not cruel, it's not sappy, but it conveys trust and friendship without being "I love you forever!"

"Not yet, though," Sirius said, his voice little more than a husky whisper.

"No. Not yet."

Because they are still scared shitless, and I don't think they'd just start shagging right there.

Their eyes locked and held, and Sirius slowly leaned in to kiss Remus.

It wasn't much of a kiss. It was clumsy and close-mouthed and their heads bumped because Remus had leaned forward at the same time. But it felt good. And it felt even better when Remus leaned back in. "Not yet," Remus whispered again, his breath glancing across Sirius's lips before his own covered them again. His hand touched Sirius's cheek hesitantly, and Sirius moved closer, cupping Remus's head with his own hand and running his tongue over Remus's lower lip.

The kiss deepened and it wasn't hot passion or overwhelming desire, not like Sirius expected, but it was better than either of those. It was warmth and it was new and exciting and sweet and tender and trust and friendship and lust and lips and tongue and Remus's hair under his hand and his hand on his hip. It felt better than anything else in the world.

They broke apart, both breathless. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus at the same time that Remus's arm tightened around his waist and Remus nestled close, fitting himself into Sirius's arms.

Yes, I'm stuck on Remus being smaller than Sirius. Oh well.

"No, not yet," Sirius whispered against the shell of Remus's ear. "But soon."

:) I so love that line. I knew that line before I knew a lot of the rest of it.

Anyway, I write LONG chapters, can you tell? But there is the commentary for AIL 2. Whoohoo!

Comments

[jlarinda.livejournal.com]

Oh yey!! I LOVED reading this! (took me about half a year, probably, but still)
I LOVE this chapter. I love the first kiss and how it's not sappy and overly romantic, but it's still cute and realistic.
But I also love the collars (duh...), all the Christmas stuff, Damien and Marilyn's reactions, Peanutbutter and Jam, Remus and Sirius starting to date and getting closer, everything.
I adore this chapter so much x3 And I love reading comments, it's by far one of the most fun stuff to read. (which is why my comics are full of little comments on the sides and extra pages with building plans and notes on character's designs and stuff like that- I love it, so I love to add it too, cause I think my friends can find it entertaining)
Thanks so much for commenting the part I asked for! :D :D
And btw, did you see my three new James&Lily&Harry pics? I know you like baby Harry a lot.
Tons of Good luck with little Toby's birth!!! I'm really excited about that! I really hope everything goes well :D :D