Clean Humor

[lls_mutant]

I need help for a story I'm writing, because my sense of humor is really bad. Well, no. I just don't know many jokes that aren't corny or scientific.

What's your favorite clean joke? The funniest one you ever heard? (Yes, I could do an internet search, but I'm curious as to what people will come up with.) I have to ask because my favorites don't work for this story. But in that light...

My favorite non-science joke

A frog walked into a bank. The clerk, Mr. Paddywack, came over to help him.

"I need a home equity line of credit," the frog said.

"Do you have collateral?" Mr. Paddywack asked.

"Here you go." The frog handed over a paper bag.

Mr. Paddywack looked inside, but was at a complete loss. "Excuse me for a moment," he told the frog, and took the bag to the manager.

"That frog wants a home equity line of credit," Paddywack explained. "This is his collateral, but I'm not sure what it is."

The boss looks in the bag and says, "It's a knick-knack, Paddywack! Give the frog a loan!"

My favorite science joke

Two atoms are walking down the road when one atom says "Oh no! I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" the second asks.

"I'm positive!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

See why I need help?

Comments

[yma2.livejournal.com]

Did you hear about the two penuts walking down the road?
One was assaulted.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Heheheheh. That's adorable! I love it!

[brieza.livejournal.com]

I'm horrible at jokes, sorry. But the frog one was kind of cute.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks :) It was my dad's- he was a king of corny jokes!

[sasha-davidovna.livejournal.com]

Mine are pretty appalling, I'm afraid.

The one that comes first to mind:

-What did the chorus say to Oedipus after he put out his eyes?
-Now that's a face only a mother could love.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

That's actually the winner! :) I needed a clean joke for a (I can't believe this) Kingsley/Sirius story that may never see the light of day. Thank you!

[aome.livejournal.com]

A string walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a beer."

The bartender sneers, "We don't serve strings here."

The string goes out, then comes back in and tries again. "Bartender, give me a beer."

"I said, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back out, ties a knot in himself at the bottom, undoes himself at the top, then goes back in. "Bartender, give me a beer."

The bartender raises an eyebrow. "Aren't you that same string that was just in here?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot." (Ba-dump ching!)

* * *

Or you could do the old classic:

A man walks into a bar. "Ouch."

* * *

If you're looking for general puns, I've got a whole book full of them.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

::snerk:: That's awful in a wonderful sort of way!!!! Love it!

[medicinal-mirth.livejournal.com]

How sad is it I've been wracking my brains and can't think up one joke?

Danny could tell you a knock knock joke or two, but his punchline is always "Foo," as in:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Danny.
Danny who?
Danny Foo!

Not very helpful, I know. *g*

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Not helpful, but cute! :) (I can't see Sirius using that as a 20 year old, though!)

[medicinal-mirth.livejournal.com]

I can't see Sirius using that as a 20 year old, though!

Well, he could always claim he was under an Imperious and couldn't help it. *g*

[shaggydogstail.livejournal.com]

I know a lot of jokes, but they are all dreadful. For example:

Q. What do you call a cat that's just swallowed a duck?

A. A duck-filled fatty-puss!

or

Q. How do you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

A. A weasel is weasely distinguished, while a stoat is stoatally different.

I also have an expansive collection of lightbulb jokes.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

I love the duck-filled fatty-puss one! Most clean jokes are horrible, I've found :)

Unfortunately, it's a HP story, so lightbulb jokes probably aren't as effective. But those are great!

[krisomniac.livejournal.com]

Hehehee. The second one made me laugh far more than I should probably admit to.

I vaguely remember someone explaining the difference between comedy and tragedy. Might have been a stand-up show, or a movie, or a sit com, or a friend. Anyway:

A man is walking down the street minding his own businesss. Suddenly a large anvil falls on his head, and after falling down, he gets up and walks away. That's comedy.

Same man, walking down the same street, gets hit in the head with the same anvil and dies. That's tragedy.

budda boom ching!

----
This should not be funny either, but such is life.

What's black and white and green and black and white?





two zebras fighting over a pickle

[snorkackcatcher]

I kind of like the Mel Brooks version of that:

If I scratch my little finger, that's tragedy.

If you fall in an open sewer and drown, that's comedy!

Sorry ...

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Oh my God- the zebra one is hysterical! I love it!

[mashlie.livejournal.com]

I suspect muy jokes are entirely corny...but those are the best.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know to drive this thing?"



Then, the two which my sister is ao proud of:

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead!

And...Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because somebody threw a piano at her!

(I suppose those two are funny because of their non-jokeness)

The jokes I hear around at the moment are the dead baby jokes.....which are somewhat icky and in bad taste.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

I love the fish one. Doesn't work for my story (HP universe), but I'm keeping it because it's too funny. (I got a kick out of the squirrel one as well.)

And yeah, dead baby jokes don't do anything for me- especially these days!

But the fish.... :)

[mashlie.livejournal.com]

From the same source as the squirrel one came:

Howe do you sell a duck to a deaf man?
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY MY DUCK?!"

(My sister shouted this during dinner at her college - apparently the whole room fell silent! I could picture Sirius silening a room with the punchline....)

[snorkackcatcher]

A very silly joke I happen to like:

A man's in his house, watching the game on TV -- just right as it's getting to the key moments, he hears a soft knock at the front door. He swears and gets up to answer it, but when he opens the door, to his extreme annoyance there's no-one there.

Then he hears a gentle little cough from around his feet. He looks down, and there's a snail there.

"Excuse me, sir," says the snail politely. "I'm very sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice a few very tasty looking leaves in your garden, and I wondered if you would mind if I ..."

The man's recovered by this time, and in a fury he grabs the snail, takes it to the front gate, and drop-kicks it so hard it lands in the next street. Then he goes back in and slams the door.

Anyway, about a month later he's sitting watching TV again, and there's another soft knock at the front door. This time when he opens it and sees no-one there, he curses and looks down right away.

Sure enough, the snail's there. "Excuse me, sir," it says, looking up at him, "but what did you do that for?"

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Heee. That's definitely silly! Thanks :)

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Hehehe.

My favorite non-science joke:

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

*rimshot*

I think I like it so much because you either get it or you don't, and it's funny to watch people flounder.


My favorite science joke:
Hey, what do you get when you cross oxygen and *insert losers name here*? An oxy-moron.

Yeah, my friend's chemistry teacher didn't like them. :p

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

I remember the first time I heard that first one. It took me a few minutes!

And the science one is cute, in a mean sort of way!

[serenity-ca4.livejournal.com]

Okay, you totally don't know me, but come on.. science jokes, I must get in on it, though I'll be impressed and quite pleased if you get this (I'm not sure what science degree you have, but if it includes any upper year mathematics, this should be okay.)

My favourite science joke.
A mathematician and theologian meet and during their discussion the theologian asks the mathematician, "Tell me, do you believe in one god?"

The mathemetician ponders this for a moment before responding, "Absolutely," she says, "up to isomorphism, of course."

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Hey- good way to meet! :) Welcome, btw! And thanks for the joke- it was great! (I always need more science type jokes!)

[midnitemaraud-r.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty thin on the clean jokes. Let's see:

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."


A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

I LOVE the Eskimo one! And the steaks. Hehehe.

The doctor one reminds me of a "blonde" joke. (It's technically a Polish joke, but I don't really like Polish jokes and have no problem making blonde jokes since I am one.)

A blonde scientist is doing research on a frog. She slaps her hand against the table and says "jump!" The frog does so. So she cuts off one leg and slaps her hand against the table and says "jump!" again. The frog does it again. Same after the second leg, and amazingly, even after she cuts off the third. However, when she cuts off the fourth, slaps the table and shouts "jump!" the frog does nothing.

The blonde pulls out her lab notebook and carefully writes, "it has been scientifically proven that when all four legs of a frog are removed, the frog goes deaf."