lls_mutant

***

He was still sitting there holding Remus’s hand, brushing his hair back off his forehead when Alex Sommers returned a full ten minutes later.

“Sirius, you need to go,” Alex said softly, laying a gentle hand on Sirius’s shoulder. “Go home. Get a meal, a bath, some sleep, and come back tomorrow morning. He’s going to be all right.”

“I can’t leave,” Sirius growled, shaking his head.

“You have to.” Alex tugged gently, and Sirius stood up. “You don’t have a choice. I can’t let you stay the night. I know the truth, but they won’t see it that way.”

“Can I stay?” James asked from the doorway.

Alex shook his head. “Only blood relatives. They’ll call me on it this time. Look, Potter,” he moved away from Sirius and lowered his voice, but Sirius could still hear him. “Where’s Pettigrew?”

“He had to go home. His family and all that.”

“Oh. Well, can I ask you to keep an eye on Black for the night? Get him something to eat, maybe a drink or five, and get him to sleep? He needs it.”

“All right.”

“He can come back tomorrow. Make sure he knows that.”

“All right,” James repeated, and came back over to Sirius. “Ready?” he asked, his entire posture awkward and on edge.

Sirius looked over his shoulder one more time at Remus. “No,” he sighed. “But I’ll go anyway.”

***

The night was catching up to him. Sirius had been worried and desperate on the third floor, but as they descended in the lift and walked through the now empty lobby, the pain drained away until he was left with a hot, raw anger. If it weren’t for Alex Sommers- Sommers, of all people!- Remus would have been left to die on the tile over in that corner. The house-elves (hospital-elves?) had been through, but Sirius imagined he could still make out droplets of Remus’s blood on the floor.

And Merlin only knew what had become of Damien and Mrs. Lupin.

He stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to will his pounding headache away. Next to him, James stopped walking as well, but even with his eyes closed Sirius could tell James was standing awkwardly, looking away. And that was maddening, too, because this wasn’t the time to care.

James was silent as they left the hospital. More than silent; the chill cut Sirius to the bone and froze him until he was ready to snap. Finally, they stood on the pavement looking at the traffic that whizzed by without any knowledge of the world hidden behind the dilapidated store front.

“Where do you want to go for a drink?” James asked.

Sirius shrugged.

“I don’t know where your type goes.”

Sirius had been about to suggest the Leaky Cauldron, but James’s tone stung the steel back into his spine and stoked his fury to the point of no return. “Wandwaver’s,” he said gruffly, grabbing James by the shoulder and turning him, smirking as James pulled away. “It’s a few blocks this way.”

The tiny voice in Sirius that was scrupulously fair pointed out that James was making an effort as they walked. Awkward words about Remus, talk of Death Eaters, short sentences and spurts of conversation. He was trying, the voice said. Sirius told the voice it could bloody well shut up, because his best friend shouldn’t have to try at a time like this.

The club was smoke clogged and throbbing with loud music by the time they arrived. James sat stiffly on the edge of his seat, fingers closed around a pint of beer, eyes darting around at his surroundings. Sirius sat across from him, leaning back in deliberate defiance of James’s discomfort, knocking back a whiskey.

“Sommers said Remus should get better,” James shouted awkwardly over the music.

Sirius scowled. “Yeah, I’ve heard it’s supposed to be nice tomorrow too.”

“What?”

“You might as well be talking about the weather, Prongs. You’re not really talking about Remus.”

“Look, just because I’m not screwing him doesn’t mean that I don’t care!” James blazed, but the words, spoken out loud for the first time between them, were sharp like edges of broken glass.

“Never said you didn’t.”

They lapsed into a long period of silence.

James cracked first. “Anyway, Sommers said-“

“Damn it, Prongs, that’s the fifth time tonight!” Sirius slammed the glass on the table, amber liquid splashing over his fingers. “Stop it!”

“Stop what? Stop thinking about Remus?”

“No! Stop treating me like you don’t know me anymore!” It felt good to shout it, to let the anger rip his throat raw.

James’s lips tightened. “That’s the thing, Sirius. I don’t.”

“Bullshit you don’t! I am exactly the same fucking person I have been for the past ten years! And right now Remus is lying in St. Mungo’s and I don’t need this shit!”

“What shit?” James shouted back angrily. “You and Remus have been lying to me for- for years! How long, Sirius? How fucking long?”

Sirius’s lips pressed together so hard the corners of his mouth turned white as he stood up angrily.

“It’s sick. It’s unnatural and it’s perverted and it’s-“

“Shut up.”

“It’s not right!”

“Silenco.” James’s voice stopped mid-sentence. Sirius grabbed his wrist and pulled him to his feet. “Dance with me. Now.”

James’s eyes widened and he struggled against Sirius’s grip, but Sirius squeezed James’s wrist until the bones ground together painfully, and James had to follow or risk even worse. Sirius led him onto the dance floor, where a slow, sultry song was blaring and couples clung together in the dim light. They faced each other, Sirius catching James’s hand in his and placing the other hand on his own shoulder before putting his own hand on James’s waist and pulling him flush against his body.

“Moony usually dances this part,” Sirius said in a low, husky voice in James’s ear. “No, you’re not pulling away.” His grip tightened. “We don’t go out dancing often, but I love it when we do. You like dancing with Lily like this, don’t you, Prongs? Her body in your arms, her head on your shoulder, and the whole room watching you hold her and knowing that she’s yours, that no one can take her from you, because she’s dancing here with you tonight, in public. It’s a statement when you dance close like this, isn’t it? It means that she’s going home with you tonight and no one else had better lay a hand on what’s yours. Yeah. Well, that’s exactly what it’s like for me, too. We go out dancing at a club like this, and it’s the only time I can put my arms around him in public. The only time he can rest his head on my shoulder, the only time I can stake my claim, in a gay club where no one knows us. You can dance with Lily anywhere. In the Leaky Cauldron, in the club around the corner, at Frank and Alice’s wedding… in the bloody streets if you want. You can hold her hand, touch her hair, kiss her, comfort her, tease her. You can be jealous, you can watch her with stars in your eyes, be proud of her, be hurt by her, make up with her, and everybody fucking smiles at you. They smile at you. You can hover over her bedside, you can worry, you can cry, and damn it, if it was Lily in that bed in St. Mungo’s the world would be rallying around you and I’d be at your side and I wouldn’t sleep or eat or work until I knew you were going to be okay. But Remus is… Remus is….” Sirius’s voice cracked. “The only reason I’m even allowed in the room is because fucking Sommers is a bloody pouf and he knows.”

His voice was fading fast, harsh and rasping and sore. “I’ve wanted to tell you, James. But every time I try to bring it up you make it clear that you don’t want to hear it. You don’t want anything to do with people like me and Remus. And I don’t know what you think we’re going to tell you.”

James tried to speak, but the silencing charm was still in effect. He didn’t look as angry now; Sirius could detect sadness and hurt mixed in as well.

“We don’t do anything disgusting and we don’t act like we think you do. Look around you. Everyone here is clothed. Nothing’s going on that wouldn’t happen in the place you go when the Wasps win. And sure you don’t want to hear about our sex life, but do you know what? I don’t want to tell you. That part’s private, just like you don’t tell me what you and Lily do and that’s fine too. It’s the same thing. The same bloody thing, Prongs.”

James patted his throat, and now that he’d said everything he wanted to Sirius lifted the charm. But when he had his voice back, he clearly didn’t know what to say. He started a few sentences, none of which consisted of more than a word or two, and then finally gave up and rested his forehead against Sirius’s shoulder.

They stood together in the middle of the crowded dance floor, neither of them moving at all.

***

He flickered into consciousness, but he couldn’t move and didn’t want to.

Voices.

“You can’t be serious about this, Dumbledore!”

“I am, Caradoc. I’ve never been more serious in my life.”

“But he’s twenty-one! That’s barely a child! You can not ask him to do this! It’s too much!”

“There’s no other choice.”

Frustration. Silence.

“Wait! Wait, I know! What if we said he bit me, and I’ve been hiding it because if the Ministry found out they’d take my funding away? Then I could be the spy, and he wouldn’t have to!”

“It won’t work, Caradoc.”

“Well, why not?”

A sigh.

“For one, it’s too quick. They wouldn’t believe it. You haven’t had time to build up resentment.”

“So? I could make it believable.”

“Two. You’re not a Legilimens.”

“And he is?”

“Unskilled and untested, but yes. That’s why I’ve been meeting with him Tuesdays.”

“Oh.”

“And thirdly, unless I am mistaken, they would not have let him live unless he already promised service. He figured it out.”

“Well, he’s always been smart.”

Gentle fingers on his forehead, pressing him back into sleep. Two last words, swirling on the edge of consciousness.

“He has.”

***

“Here.” James tossed a pair of pajamas at Sirius. “You can sleep on the sofa.”

“Thanks.” It was so stilted, so awkward, and yet Sirius was too tired to care. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Remus, lying in the hospital bed and breathing uneasily.

“Sirius?” James was hesitating in the doorway.

“What?”

“He’s going to be okay.”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, looking at his feet.

“And Padfoot?”

“What?”

“So are you.”

Sirius shrugged.

“Do you love him?”

“What do you think?” It wasn’t a scornful question, but an honest and curious one.

“I think you do,” James said solemnly. “Otherwise you never would have cared enough to keep it a secret from me.”

Sirius nodded distantly. “Yeah. Yeah, I think you might be right.”

***

His head hurt, and it felt like it had been stuffed to bursting with cotton. The traces of nightmares lingered on the edge of his consciousness, and his body hurt worse than after any full moon he could remember. But he was alive, for some reason he remembered he should be grateful for that. Remus slowly pried his eyes open to face the stark light, sun-lit windows, and white walls of a hospital room, with someone sitting over him.

"Sirius?" he croaked.

"Not quite." The man leaned forward. "Need some help to the bog?"

Now that it was mentioned, Remus was intensely aware of the problem. He accepted the Healer's help, leaning against him as they walked to the toilet. It was only a few steps each way, but Remus's legs felt like paper and he was shaking when he eased back into bed. The healer propped him up slightly and gave him a drink of water, and Remus finally got a good, clear look at his face.

"Alex?"

Alex grinned. It was the same smile Remus remembered. "The one and the same."

He smiled back. "So you are a Healer. I knew you would be,"

Alex shrugged it away, but his eyes clouded over and he leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees and fidgeting with his fingers. "Listen, Remus. There's a lot I have to tell you-"

"My parents!" Remus remembered, struggling to sit up. Alex gently pushed him back down.

"Remus, I need you to stay calm. You're still not out of the woods. Calm down, okay?" His voice became hypnotic, soothing, and as he touched his wand to Remus's shoulder an unnatural peace spread through him and he relaxed. "All right? Now. I have a lot to tell you, and no, it's not all good. But before I tell you any of it, I need to say this. I'm sorry for the way I treated you when we were together at Hogwarts."

Remus blinked confusedly. "What?"

"I'm sorry. I put a lot of pressure on you, and I shouldn't have done that. Worse, I walked out on you when you were trying to tell me something important."

Remus shook his head. "Alex, that was ages ago. Why are you telling me this right now, of all times?"

"Because right now, you really need a friend." The words were kind, but their accuracy sent chills of foreboding down Remus's spine. "But when I left you that day, you were trying to tell me you're a werewolf, weren't you?"

Remus couldn't look at him as he nodded.

"I thought I should tell you that I know. Just out of respect. Anyway. Your father is here at St. Mungo's. He was hit hard with several curses, and one completely shattered his pelvis. The Healers were able to repair it, but they think there's still some deformation there."

"He's alive though?" Remus asked, relief coursing through him.

"Yes. We'll try to get one of you to the other the next time you're both conscious."

Remus laughed. "And Mum?" he asked eagerly. "How's she?"

Alex's face fell into an impersonal, considerate mask, but his eyes spoke another story all together. "I'm sorry, Remus. We couldn't save her. She's dead."

***

It was late that night when Alex helped Remus to his father's room. His father was lying in bed, blindly staring out the window. "Dad?" Remus asked, once he sitting in a chair beside the bed and Alex had left them.

His father turned his head and life sparked in his eyes. Remus leaned in as Damien reached out. Then they were both crying; Remus, who hadn't been able to shed a tear when Alex told him or when he told Sirius, cried against his father's chest as Damien smoothed his son's hair with a hand that had been broken and rehealed when he'd been given the news. Nothing noisy, nothing dramatic, just silent, hot tears that mingled together, husband and son, as a huge piece was ripped out of their lives and their hearts.

***

“How’s your dad doing?” Peter asked. He was standing by the window, tossing a Muggle tennis ball from hand to hand, and it was the first words spoken beyond, “how are you feeling?” and “when are you getting out of here?”

Remus shrugged, and Sirius couldn’t blame him. He scowled at Peter. Damien had just lost his wife and was still struggling to recover from whatever curses the Death Eaters had hit him with. How did Peter think he was doing?

James was slouched in a chair in a corner. He and Sirius had had a few stilted conversations since they’d left Wandwaver’s, but everything was hanging over them so thick….

“What did Dumbledore want?” James asked, looking out the window.

Remus shrugged again, his face closed. “A lot of things. He’s got a new job for me.”

“What is it?” Peter asked.

“I can’t tell you.” If it was possible, the silence thickened even more. But then, they’d all known this day would come, when work for the Order had to be kept secret. James nodded first, and Sirius squeezed Remus’s shoulder.

“Look,” Remus said, struggling to sit up further. Sirius helped him. “Thanks,” Remus muttered. “Look. Peter. James. I know you’re both angry.”

“I’m not,” Peter said, but the tennis ball hit his hands harder as he spoke. James just kept looking out the window.

Remus sighed. “Sirius wanted to tell you,” he said, and his voice sounded very young and meek. “He really did. He said we should. But I…” he struggled, and Sirius closed his hand around Remus’s shoulder again. “Look, it’s bad enough being a werewolf. To be a gay one on top of that… what?” he demanded, as Peter snorted.

“It’s just kind of funny,” Peter said. “A gay werewolf. What? Don’t you guys get it?”

But James was grinning now, too.

Sirius shook his head, especially as James and Peter exchanged glances and lost it completely, dissolving into howls of laughter.

“Look,” Remus said, as the ruckus began to fade. “I’m really making a mess of this. But I’m trying to say I’m sorry.”

“Moony,” James said, taking off his glasses and wiping them on his shirt, “it’s…. Well, it’s….”

“Would you please stop laughing?” Remus grumbled.

“Gay werewolf,” Peter snickered, and set them both off again. This time, Sirius found himself joining in, and the circle expanded to include Remus, and all four of them were laughing. Laughing like the time when Remus had told them he was a werewolf, laughing like they had when Peter pinned Remus with the nickname “Moony”, laughing like they had late in the night when Sirius had run away from home. Laughing because they knew it was hard now, knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but knew they were going to be okay.

James got out of his chair and came over, still laughing but calming down, and draped an arm around Sirius’s shoulder. The arm was stiff and James held his body away, but it was there, and Sirius hugged the feeling of it to him greedily. Finally, James calmed down enough to speak.

“We’ll get through it. We always do.”

***

“You didn’t have to do that,” Sirius said after James and Peter had left.

“Didn’t have to do what?” Remus asked.

“You took the fall. You told James and Peter it was all your fault.”

Remus shrugged. “Sirius, James is important to you.”

“So are you. So’s the truth.”

“It’s not far from the truth. And right now, it’s just not important enough. James will forgive us a lot quicker if he thinks it’s my fault. He can’t stay mad at me right now.” Remus gestured to the bed. “And he won’t be mad at you.”

It was true, Sirius realized. Very true. But he really wished Remus hadn’t put it that way. Or even thought of it.

“Sirius?” Remus asked, his voice far away.

“What?”

“Do you know what wards my father used on our place?”

“Some of them. Why?”

“Because I keep trying to work out how they got in, and the only answer I can come up with is I answered the door.”

“You wouldn’t have. They must be stronger than we thought.” But his voice lacked conviction.

Remus didn’t believe it. “No,” he said. “I’m pretty sure of it. Either my mother or I opened the door.”

“Don’t think about it now. You still need a lot of sleep. Do you want the potion? Healer Sommers said you could.”

Remus nodded, and Sirius brought it over carefully. He sat over Remus for a long time, even after Remus had fallen into a deep sleep, until Alex came and told him visiting hours were over. Then he went home to an empty flat, and everything else was forgotten.

***

“I can’t believe how badly the place is destroyed,” James said, as they picked through the rubble of the Lupin house. He bent down to sift through the rubble, setting aside items he unearthed. A few books. A vase with only one large piece missing. A white shirt. A silk scarf that fluttered in the breeze.

Sirius knelt and picked up a mug. “They do a thorough job. We’ll have to get Damien and Remus back to go through it though. There’s still things here.” A soft, worn and sooty teddy bear, ripped and missing an eye. Sirius’s throat closed. “Wormtail?” he asked, looking over his shoulder. “You with us?”

Peter was at the other end, and even from this distance Sirius could see the tears streaking his face as he worked.

“Leave him,” James said softly. “This is hard on him.”

“His family’s safe,” Sirius said.

“Until Voldemort realizes he works for the Order.”

There was nothing to say to that.

They kept sifting through rubble, trying to find as much as they could. It was heartbreaking, exhausting work. After an hour Sirius settled on a particularly large chunk of wall, looking up at the watery late autumn sun.

James sat down beside him. “So. Moony gets out tomorrow, huh?”

“Yeah. After a week in that place, he’s going crazy.”

“And Mr. Lupin?”

“Tomorrow, too. They’re going to bury Mrs. Lupin the day after.”

James nodded. “Padfoot?” he asked tentatively.

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you some questions? About you and Remus?”

It was the first time James had brought it up since Remus had apologized. “All right,” Sirius said, annoyed at how his voice shook with hope.

“What happened? I mean, how did you know and how did it start?”

That was just like James. Ignore something for days, for weeks- really for months, because he had to have suspected- and then jump right into the deep end. Sirius talked, eagerly, the words tumbling out as James listened to a story that lasted far longer than Sirius had ever thought it would. He talked as they began to work again, as he uncovered clothing and books and dishes and pieces of the Lupins’ lives, until the sun began to set. And by the time they’d miniaturized the few bags of items they’d found, his voice was hoarse and James was nodding.

“I’m still not entirely fine with it,” James said, but it had the air of confession instead of condemnation. “But I’m glad you told me.”

Sirius shrugged. “Any time, Prongs. Just ask.”

James shook his head. “I still can’t believe I didn’t pick up on it.”

“You didn’t want to,” Sirius said sadly. “That’s why.”

“I guess so,” James said, and then looked away. “I’m glad I know now.”

***

The funeral was small; much smaller than Damien had wanted. It had taken the combined efforts of Moony, Dumbledore, and Sirius to convince Damien that having a public funeral would simply be too large a target for any Death Eaters looking to finish the job. Marilyn Lupin was laid to rest at Hogwarts, where the mourners could be protected and she could be accorded the honor she deserved.

Even then, Dumbledore allowed a small number of people. Sirius, James, and Peter, of course. Then Moody, Caradoc Dearborn, Elphias Doge, and Alex Sommers, of all people. And that was all. Even Lily was told to stay away.

It rained. Sirius thought that it was appropriate. He stood between James and Peter, facing Remus, who stood supporting his father who leaned heavily on a cane. The service was short, and the coffin was lowered into the ground.

The mourners backed away, leaving Damien and Remus to stand by the grave alone. Sirius turned to Alex Sommers. “I was never able to say thank you,” he said, extending his hand. “Both for allowing me in and for saving Remus’s life.”

“It’s my job,” Alex said, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Listen, can you do me a favor then?”

Sirius shrugged. “Sure.”

“I’m setting up my own practice, making house calls and all that. Will you recommend me?”

“Your own practice already?” James asked. “You’re awfully young.”

Alex pressed his lips together. “That’s the way things work out.”

“You lost your job, didn’t you?” Sirius said slowly. “You were fired because you saved Remus.”

“I was fired because I broke Ministry regulations.” Behind Alex, both Caradoc and Moody perked up, and Sirius was glad. They moved in, taking over the conversation. Peter joined them, wondering if perhaps factories could use a Healer on staff.

“You should go over,” James said quietly to Sirius, gesturing at Remus and Damien. “I think they need you.”

Sirius nodded.

Funny how he could feel so nervous just walking over to stand with two men he loved dearly. He wasn’t sure if he should be there, and Damien’s face was unreadable. But he took his place beside Remus, and while Remus kept looking straight ahead, his hand fumbled for Sirius’s and he squeezed. Sirius didn’t let go.

Finally, Damien turned away. “I think I’m ready,” he said in a quiet, broken voice. Remus offered him an arm, and Sirius moved over to take the other side as they walked away from the fresh grave slowly. Perhaps it was Remus’s place to support his father, but Sirius had the distinct impression that he was where he should be.

“Wait,” Damien said, stopping before they reached the others. They stopped obediently, and Damien took a step back. Sirius moved, suddenly realizing that yes, Damien knew, and this knowledge was not old and familiar. He stood beside Remus, arm around his waist as he supported him.

Damien looked from one face to the other, his eyes glazed over until he was nearly blind. “I…” he began, and then his eyes fell on Sirius, “you….”

“Dad,” Remus began.

Damien shook his head. “Just don’t hurt each other,” he whispered. He cupped Remus’s face and kissed his forehead, and then did the same to Sirius. “Please don’t ever hurt each other.” With that he leaned against his cane and walked the last few steps alone.

***

They disbanded slowly. Damien went with Alastor Moody, who was kind enough to offer a room until Damien found a flat of his own. James and Peter went home, and Alex lingered to talk to Dumbledore. Caradoc and Elphias also stayed, both saying they wanted to use the Hogwarts library. Sirius brought Remus home, holding him up as Remus leaned against him.

“Are you okay?” he asked as they entered the flat.

“Just tired,” Remus admitted. “I didn’t think such a short trip would wear me out like this.”

“Alex warned us it would.” He moved empty takeaway containers and reports from the office to the table to clear a spot on the couch. Remus smiled wryly.

“You’re such a slob, Pads.”

“Like it’s any better with you here,” he said, kissing Remus on the head. He settled him on the couch. “Tea? And maybe something to eat?”

“All right.”

Sirius went into the kitchen and fixed two cups of tea and two toasted cheese sandwiches. He came back out to find Remus deeply asleep, curled on the couch with the blanket half way around his waist.

“I should have known,” he laughed, tucking the blanket around Remus’s shoulders. “Sleep, Moony.” He kissed Remus on the head again. “I lied, you know. It might still be a mess, but it’s worlds better with you here.”

***

It arrived the next week, a scrap of thick, creamy parchment on his bed.

R.-

They’re coming to talk to you tomorrow night. They’ll ask you to help with an attack. They’ll kill your father if you refuse. I’ll help you, if you help me.

-R.B.