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lls_mutant***
He was still sitting there holding Remus’s hand, brushing his hair back off his forehead when Alex Sommers returned a full ten minutes later.
“Sirius, you need to go,” Alex said softly, laying a gentle hand on Sirius’s shoulder. “Go home. Get a meal, a bath, some sleep, and come back tomorrow morning. He’s going to be all right.”
“I can’t leave,” Sirius growled, shaking his head.
“You have to.” Alex tugged gently, and Sirius stood up. “You don’t have a choice. I can’t let you stay the night. I know the truth, but they won’t see it that way.”
“Can I stay?” James asked from the doorway.
Alex shook his head. “Only blood relatives. They’ll call me on it this time. Look, Potter,” he moved away from Sirius and lowered his voice, but Sirius could still hear him. “Where’s Pettigrew?”
“He had to go home. His family and all that.”
“Oh. Well, can I ask you to keep an eye on Black for the night? Get him something to eat, maybe a drink or five, and get him to sleep? He needs it.”
“All right.”
“He can come back tomorrow. Make sure he knows that.”
“All right,” James repeated, and came back over to Sirius. “Ready?” he asked, his entire posture awkward and on edge.
Sirius looked over his shoulder one more time at Remus. “No,” he sighed. “But I’ll go anyway.”
***
The night was catching up to him. Sirius had been worried and desperate on the third floor, but as they descended in the lift and walked through the now empty lobby, the pain drained away until he was left with a hot, raw anger. If it weren’t for Alex Sommers- Sommers, of all people!- Remus would have been left to die on the tile over in that corner. The house-elves (hospital-elves?) had been through, but Sirius imagined he could still make out droplets of Remus’s blood on the floor.
And Merlin only knew what had become of Damien and Mrs. Lupin.
He stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to will his pounding headache away. Next to him, James stopped walking as well, but even with his eyes closed Sirius could tell James was standing awkwardly, looking away. And that was maddening, too, because this wasn’t the time to care.
James was silent as they left the hospital. More than silent; the chill cut Sirius to the bone and froze him until he was ready to snap. Finally, they stood on the pavement looking at the traffic that whizzed by without any knowledge of the world hidden behind the dilapidated store front.
“Where do you want to go for a drink?” James asked.
Sirius shrugged.
“I don’t know where your type goes.”
Sirius had been about to suggest the Leaky Cauldron, but James’s tone stung the steel back into his spine and stoked his fury to the point of no return. “Wandwaver’s,” he said gruffly, grabbing James by the shoulder and turning him, smirking as James pulled away. “It’s a few blocks this way.”
The tiny voice in Sirius that was scrupulously fair pointed out that James was making an effort as they walked. Awkward words about Remus, talk of Death Eaters, short sentences and spurts of conversation. He was trying, the voice said. Sirius told the voice it could bloody well shut up, because his best friend shouldn’t have to try at a time like this.
The club was smoke clogged and throbbing with loud music by the time they arrived. James sat stiffly on the edge of his seat, fingers closed around a pint of beer, eyes darting around at his surroundings. Sirius sat across from him, leaning back in deliberate defiance of James’s discomfort, knocking back a whiskey.
“Sommers said Remus should get better,” James shouted awkwardly over the music.
Sirius scowled. “Yeah, I’ve heard it’s supposed to be nice tomorrow too.”
“What?”
“You might as well be talking about the weather, Prongs. You’re not really talking about Remus.”
“Look, just because I’m not screwing him doesn’t mean that I don’t care!” James blazed, but the words, spoken out loud for the first time between them, were sharp like edges of broken glass.
“Never said you didn’t.”
They lapsed into a long period of silence.
James cracked first. “Anyway, Sommers said-“
“Damn it, Prongs, that’s the fifth time tonight!” Sirius slammed the glass on the table, amber liquid splashing over his fingers. “Stop it!”
“Stop what? Stop thinking about Remus?”
“No! Stop treating me like you don’t know me anymore!” It felt good to shout it, to let the anger rip his throat raw.
James’s lips tightened. “That’s the thing, Sirius. I don’t.”
“Bullshit you don’t! I am exactly the same fucking person I have been for the past ten years! And right now Remus is lying in St. Mungo’s and I don’t need this shit!”
“What shit?” James shouted back angrily. “You and Remus have been lying to me for- for years! How long, Sirius? How fucking long?”
Sirius’s lips pressed together so hard the corners of his mouth turned white as he stood up angrily.
“It’s sick. It’s unnatural and it’s perverted and it’s-“
“Shut up.”
“It’s not right!”
“Silenco.” James’s voice stopped mid-sentence. Sirius grabbed his wrist and pulled him to his feet. “Dance with me. Now.”
James’s eyes widened and he struggled against Sirius’s grip, but Sirius squeezed James’s wrist until the bones ground together painfully, and James had to follow or risk even worse. Sirius led him onto the dance floor, where a slow, sultry song was blaring and couples clung together in the dim light. They faced each other, Sirius catching James’s hand in his and placing the other hand on his own shoulder before putting his own hand on James’s waist and pulling him flush against his body.
“Moony usually dances this part,” Sirius said in a low, husky voice in James’s ear. “No, you’re not pulling away.” His grip tightened. “We don’t go out dancing often, but I love it when we do. You like dancing with Lily like this, don’t you, Prongs? Her body in your arms, her head on your shoulder, and the whole room watching you hold her and knowing that she’s yours, that no one can take her from you, because she’s dancing here with you tonight, in public. It’s a statement when you dance close like this, isn’t it? It means that she’s going home with you tonight and no one else had better lay a hand on what’s yours. Yeah. Well, that’s exactly what it’s like for me, too. We go out dancing at a club like this, and it’s the only time I can put my arms around him in public. The only time he can rest his head on my shoulder, the only time I can stake my claim, in a gay club where no one knows us. You can dance with Lily anywhere. In the Leaky Cauldron, in the club around the corner, at Frank and Alice’s wedding… in the bloody streets if you want. You can hold her hand, touch her hair, kiss her, comfort her, tease her. You can be jealous, you can watch her with stars in your eyes, be proud of her, be hurt by her, make up with her, and everybody fucking smiles at you. They smile at you. You can hover over her bedside, you can worry, you can cry, and damn it, if it was Lily in that bed in St. Mungo’s the world would be rallying around you and I’d be at your side and I wouldn’t sleep or eat or work until I knew you were going to be okay. But Remus is… Remus is….” Sirius’s voice cracked. “The only reason I’m even allowed in the room is because fucking Sommers is a bloody pouf and he knows.”
His voice was fading fast, harsh and rasping and sore. “I’ve wanted to tell you, James. But every time I try to bring it up you make it clear that you don’t want to hear it. You don’t want anything to do with people like me and Remus. And I don’t know what you think we’re going to tell you.”
James tried to speak, but the silencing charm was still in effect. He didn’t look as angry now; Sirius could detect sadness and hurt mixed in as well.
“We don’t do anything disgusting and we don’t act like we think you do. Look around you. Everyone here is clothed. Nothing’s going on that wouldn’t happen in the place you go when the Wasps win. And sure you don’t want to hear about our sex life, but do you know what? I don’t want to tell you. That part’s private, just like you don’t tell me what you and Lily do and that’s fine too. It’s the same thing. The same bloody thing, Prongs.”
James patted his throat, and now that he’d said everything he wanted to Sirius lifted the charm. But when he had his voice back, he clearly didn’t know what to say. He started a few sentences, none of which consisted of more than a word or two, and then finally gave up and rested his forehead against Sirius’s shoulder.
They stood together in the middle of the crowded dance floor, neither of them moving at all.
***
He flickered into consciousness, but he couldn’t move and didn’t want to.
Voices.
“You can’t be serious about this, Dumbledore!”
“I am, Caradoc. I’ve never been more serious in my life.”
“But he’s twenty-one! That’s barely a child! You can not ask him to do this! It’s too much!”
“There’s no other choice.”
Frustration. Silence.
“Wait! Wait, I know! What if we said he bit me, and I’ve been hiding it because if the Ministry found out they’d take my funding away? Then I could be the spy, and he wouldn’t have to!”
“It won’t work, Caradoc.”
“Well, why not?”
A sigh.
“For one, it’s too quick. They wouldn’t believe it. You haven’t had time to build up resentment.”
“So? I could make it believable.”
“Two. You’re not a Legilimens.”
“And he is?”
“Unskilled and untested, but yes. That’s why I’ve been meeting with him Tuesdays.”
“Oh.”
“And thirdly, unless I am mistaken, they would not have let him live unless he already promised service. He figured it out.”
“Well, he’s always been smart.”
Gentle fingers on his forehead, pressing him back into sleep. Two last words, swirling on the edge of consciousness.
“He has.”
***
“Here.” James tossed a pair of pajamas at Sirius. “You can sleep on the sofa.”
“Thanks.” It was so stilted, so awkward, and yet Sirius was too tired to care. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Remus, lying in the hospital bed and breathing uneasily.
“Sirius?” James was hesitating in the doorway.
“What?”
“He’s going to be okay.”
“Yeah,” Sirius said, looking at his feet.
“And Padfoot?”
“What?”
“So are you.”
Sirius shrugged.
“Do you love him?”
“What do you think?” It wasn’t a scornful question, but an honest and curious one.
“I think you do,” James said solemnly. “Otherwise you never would have cared enough to keep it a secret from me.”
Sirius nodded distantly. “Yeah. Yeah, I think you might be right.”
***
His head hurt, and it felt like it had been stuffed to bursting with cotton. The traces of nightmares lingered on the edge of his consciousness, and his body hurt worse than after any full moon he could remember. But he was alive, for some reason he remembered he should be grateful for that. Remus slowly pried his eyes open to face the stark light, sun-lit windows, and white walls of a hospital room, with someone sitting over him.
"Sirius?" he croaked.
"Not quite." The man leaned forward. "Need some help to the bog?"
Now that it was mentioned, Remus was intensely aware of the problem. He accepted the Healer's help, leaning against him as they walked to the toilet. It was only a few steps each way, but Remus's legs felt like paper and he was shaking when he eased back into bed. The healer propped him up slightly and gave him a drink of water, and Remus finally got a good, clear look at his face.
"Alex?"
Alex grinned. It was the same smile Remus remembered. "The one and the same."
He smiled back. "So you are a Healer. I knew you would be,"
Alex shrugged it away, but his eyes clouded over and he leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees and fidgeting with his fingers. "Listen, Remus. There's a lot I have to tell you-"
"My parents!" Remus remembered, struggling to sit up. Alex gently pushed him back down.
"Remus, I need you to stay calm. You're still not out of the woods. Calm down, okay?" His voice became hypnotic, soothing, and as he touched his wand to Remus's shoulder an unnatural peace spread through him and he relaxed. "All right? Now. I have a lot to tell you, and no, it's not all good. But before I tell you any of it, I need to say this. I'm sorry for the way I treated you when we were together at Hogwarts."
Remus blinked confusedly. "What?"
"I'm sorry. I put a lot of pressure on you, and I shouldn't have done that. Worse, I walked out on you when you were trying to tell me something important."
Remus shook his head. "Alex, that was ages ago. Why are you telling me this right now, of all times?"
"Because right now, you really need a friend." The words were kind, but their accuracy sent chills of foreboding down Remus's spine. "But when I left you that day, you were trying to tell me you're a werewolf, weren't you?"
Remus couldn't look at him as he nodded.
"I thought I should tell you that I know. Just out of respect. Anyway. Your father is here at St. Mungo's. He was hit hard with several curses, and one completely shattered his pelvis. The Healers were able to repair it, but they think there's still some deformation there."
"He's alive though?" Remus asked, relief coursing through him.
"Yes. We'll try to get one of you to the other the next time you're both conscious."
Remus laughed. "And Mum?" he asked eagerly. "How's she?"
Alex's face fell into an impersonal, considerate mask, but his eyes spoke another story all together. "I'm sorry, Remus. We couldn't save her. She's dead."
***
It was late that night when Alex helped Remus to his father's room. His father was lying in bed, blindly staring out the window. "Dad?" Remus asked, once he sitting in a chair beside the bed and Alex had left them.
His father turned his head and life sparked in his eyes. Remus leaned in as Damien reached out. Then they were both crying; Remus, who hadn't been able to shed a tear when Alex told him or when he told Sirius, cried against his father's chest as Damien smoothed his son's hair with a hand that had been broken and rehealed when he'd been given the news. Nothing noisy, nothing dramatic, just silent, hot tears that mingled together, husband and son, as a huge piece was ripped out of their lives and their hearts.
***
“How’s your dad doing?” Peter asked. He was standing by the window, tossing a Muggle tennis ball from hand to hand, and it was the first words spoken beyond, “how are you feeling?” and “when are you getting out of here?”
Remus shrugged, and Sirius couldn’t blame him. He scowled at Peter. Damien had just lost his wife and was still struggling to recover from whatever curses the Death Eaters had hit him with. How did Peter think he was doing?
James was slouched in a chair in a corner. He and Sirius had had a few stilted conversations since they’d left Wandwaver’s, but everything was hanging over them so thick….
“What did Dumbledore want?” James asked, looking out the window.
Remus shrugged again, his face closed. “A lot of things. He’s got a new job for me.”
“What is it?” Peter asked.
“I can’t tell you.” If it was possible, the silence thickened even more. But then, they’d all known this day would come, when work for the Order had to be kept secret. James nodded first, and Sirius squeezed Remus’s shoulder.
“Look,” Remus said, struggling to sit up further. Sirius helped him. “Thanks,” Remus muttered. “Look. Peter. James. I know you’re both angry.”
“I’m not,” Peter said, but the tennis ball hit his hands harder as he spoke. James just kept looking out the window.
Remus sighed. “Sirius wanted to tell you,” he said, and his voice sounded very young and meek. “He really did. He said we should. But I…” he struggled, and Sirius closed his hand around Remus’s shoulder again. “Look, it’s bad enough being a werewolf. To be a gay one on top of that… what?” he demanded, as Peter snorted.
“It’s just kind of funny,” Peter said. “A gay werewolf. What? Don’t you guys get it?”
But James was grinning now, too.
Sirius shook his head, especially as James and Peter exchanged glances and lost it completely, dissolving into howls of laughter.
“Look,” Remus said, as the ruckus began to fade. “I’m really making a mess of this. But I’m trying to say I’m sorry.”
“Moony,” James said, taking off his glasses and wiping them on his shirt, “it’s…. Well, it’s….”
“Would you please stop laughing?” Remus grumbled.
“Gay werewolf,” Peter snickered, and set them both off again. This time, Sirius found himself joining in, and the circle expanded to include Remus, and all four of them were laughing. Laughing like the time when Remus had told them he was a werewolf, laughing like they had when Peter pinned Remus with the nickname “Moony”, laughing like they had late in the night when Sirius had run away from home. Laughing because they knew it was hard now, knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but knew they were going to be okay.
James got out of his chair and came over, still laughing but calming down, and draped an arm around Sirius’s shoulder. The arm was stiff and James held his body away, but it was there, and Sirius hugged the feeling of it to him greedily. Finally, James calmed down enough to speak.
“We’ll get through it. We always do.”
***
“You didn’t have to do that,” Sirius said after James and Peter had left.
“Didn’t have to do what?” Remus asked.
“You took the fall. You told James and Peter it was all your fault.”
Remus shrugged. “Sirius, James is important to you.”
“So are you. So’s the truth.”
“It’s not far from the truth. And right now, it’s just not important enough. James will forgive us a lot quicker if he thinks it’s my fault. He can’t stay mad at me right now.” Remus gestured to the bed. “And he won’t be mad at you.”
It was true, Sirius realized. Very true. But he really wished Remus hadn’t put it that way. Or even thought of it.
“Sirius?” Remus asked, his voice far away.
“What?”
“Do you know what wards my father used on our place?”
“Some of them. Why?”
“Because I keep trying to work out how they got in, and the only answer I can come up with is I answered the door.”
“You wouldn’t have. They must be stronger than we thought.” But his voice lacked conviction.
Remus didn’t believe it. “No,” he said. “I’m pretty sure of it. Either my mother or I opened the door.”
“Don’t think about it now. You still need a lot of sleep. Do you want the potion? Healer Sommers said you could.”
Remus nodded, and Sirius brought it over carefully. He sat over Remus for a long time, even after Remus had fallen into a deep sleep, until Alex came and told him visiting hours were over. Then he went home to an empty flat, and everything else was forgotten.
***
“I can’t believe how badly the place is destroyed,” James said, as they picked through the rubble of the Lupin house. He bent down to sift through the rubble, setting aside items he unearthed. A few books. A vase with only one large piece missing. A white shirt. A silk scarf that fluttered in the breeze.
Sirius knelt and picked up a mug. “They do a thorough job. We’ll have to get Damien and Remus back to go through it though. There’s still things here.” A soft, worn and sooty teddy bear, ripped and missing an eye. Sirius’s throat closed. “Wormtail?” he asked, looking over his shoulder. “You with us?”
Peter was at the other end, and even from this distance Sirius could see the tears streaking his face as he worked.
“Leave him,” James said softly. “This is hard on him.”
“His family’s safe,” Sirius said.
“Until Voldemort realizes he works for the Order.”
There was nothing to say to that.
They kept sifting through rubble, trying to find as much as they could. It was heartbreaking, exhausting work. After an hour Sirius settled on a particularly large chunk of wall, looking up at the watery late autumn sun.
James sat down beside him. “So. Moony gets out tomorrow, huh?”
“Yeah. After a week in that place, he’s going crazy.”
“And Mr. Lupin?”
“Tomorrow, too. They’re going to bury Mrs. Lupin the day after.”
James nodded. “Padfoot?” he asked tentatively.
“Yeah?”
“Can I ask you some questions? About you and Remus?”
It was the first time James had brought it up since Remus had apologized. “All right,” Sirius said, annoyed at how his voice shook with hope.
“What happened? I mean, how did you know and how did it start?”
That was just like James. Ignore something for days, for weeks- really for months, because he had to have suspected- and then jump right into the deep end. Sirius talked, eagerly, the words tumbling out as James listened to a story that lasted far longer than Sirius had ever thought it would. He talked as they began to work again, as he uncovered clothing and books and dishes and pieces of the Lupins’ lives, until the sun began to set. And by the time they’d miniaturized the few bags of items they’d found, his voice was hoarse and James was nodding.
“I’m still not entirely fine with it,” James said, but it had the air of confession instead of condemnation. “But I’m glad you told me.”
Sirius shrugged. “Any time, Prongs. Just ask.”
James shook his head. “I still can’t believe I didn’t pick up on it.”
“You didn’t want to,” Sirius said sadly. “That’s why.”
“I guess so,” James said, and then looked away. “I’m glad I know now.”
***
The funeral was small; much smaller than Damien had wanted. It had taken the combined efforts of Moony, Dumbledore, and Sirius to convince Damien that having a public funeral would simply be too large a target for any Death Eaters looking to finish the job. Marilyn Lupin was laid to rest at Hogwarts, where the mourners could be protected and she could be accorded the honor she deserved.
Even then, Dumbledore allowed a small number of people. Sirius, James, and Peter, of course. Then Moody, Caradoc Dearborn, Elphias Doge, and Alex Sommers, of all people. And that was all. Even Lily was told to stay away.
It rained. Sirius thought that it was appropriate. He stood between James and Peter, facing Remus, who stood supporting his father who leaned heavily on a cane. The service was short, and the coffin was lowered into the ground.
The mourners backed away, leaving Damien and Remus to stand by the grave alone. Sirius turned to Alex Sommers. “I was never able to say thank you,” he said, extending his hand. “Both for allowing me in and for saving Remus’s life.”
“It’s my job,” Alex said, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Listen, can you do me a favor then?”
Sirius shrugged. “Sure.”
“I’m setting up my own practice, making house calls and all that. Will you recommend me?”
“Your own practice already?” James asked. “You’re awfully young.”
Alex pressed his lips together. “That’s the way things work out.”
“You lost your job, didn’t you?” Sirius said slowly. “You were fired because you saved Remus.”
“I was fired because I broke Ministry regulations.” Behind Alex, both Caradoc and Moody perked up, and Sirius was glad. They moved in, taking over the conversation. Peter joined them, wondering if perhaps factories could use a Healer on staff.
“You should go over,” James said quietly to Sirius, gesturing at Remus and Damien. “I think they need you.”
Sirius nodded.
Funny how he could feel so nervous just walking over to stand with two men he loved dearly. He wasn’t sure if he should be there, and Damien’s face was unreadable. But he took his place beside Remus, and while Remus kept looking straight ahead, his hand fumbled for Sirius’s and he squeezed. Sirius didn’t let go.
Finally, Damien turned away. “I think I’m ready,” he said in a quiet, broken voice. Remus offered him an arm, and Sirius moved over to take the other side as they walked away from the fresh grave slowly. Perhaps it was Remus’s place to support his father, but Sirius had the distinct impression that he was where he should be.
“Wait,” Damien said, stopping before they reached the others. They stopped obediently, and Damien took a step back. Sirius moved, suddenly realizing that yes, Damien knew, and this knowledge was not old and familiar. He stood beside Remus, arm around his waist as he supported him.
Damien looked from one face to the other, his eyes glazed over until he was nearly blind. “I…” he began, and then his eyes fell on Sirius, “you….”
“Dad,” Remus began.
Damien shook his head. “Just don’t hurt each other,” he whispered. He cupped Remus’s face and kissed his forehead, and then did the same to Sirius. “Please don’t ever hurt each other.” With that he leaned against his cane and walked the last few steps alone.
***
They disbanded slowly. Damien went with Alastor Moody, who was kind enough to offer a room until Damien found a flat of his own. James and Peter went home, and Alex lingered to talk to Dumbledore. Caradoc and Elphias also stayed, both saying they wanted to use the Hogwarts library. Sirius brought Remus home, holding him up as Remus leaned against him.
“Are you okay?” he asked as they entered the flat.
“Just tired,” Remus admitted. “I didn’t think such a short trip would wear me out like this.”
“Alex warned us it would.” He moved empty takeaway containers and reports from the office to the table to clear a spot on the couch. Remus smiled wryly.
“You’re such a slob, Pads.”
“Like it’s any better with you here,” he said, kissing Remus on the head. He settled him on the couch. “Tea? And maybe something to eat?”
“All right.”
Sirius went into the kitchen and fixed two cups of tea and two toasted cheese sandwiches. He came back out to find Remus deeply asleep, curled on the couch with the blanket half way around his waist.
“I should have known,” he laughed, tucking the blanket around Remus’s shoulders. “Sleep, Moony.” He kissed Remus on the head again. “I lied, you know. It might still be a mess, but it’s worlds better with you here.”
***
It arrived the next week, a scrap of thick, creamy parchment on his bed.
R.-
They’re coming to talk to you tomorrow night. They’ll ask you to help with an attack. They’ll kill your father if you refuse. I’ll help you, if you help me.
-R.B.
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 12:47 am (UTC)I especially like the way you write Peter, his personality and background work so well; his friends still trusting him because of it, but the way it's causing him to turn towards Voldemort.
Remus and Sirius' relationship is very well done too, the way they feel about each other is very realistic, as is their behaviour, and Sirius' realtionship with Damien is lovely.
And mmm, it's all marvellously plotty.
Look - now it's nearly 2am all of a sudden.
kxx
no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 01:03 am (UTC)Thanks :) I'm very happy with Peter this round, and really glad you can start to see where it's going and why he's turning in my fic. I don't think it could have ever been a very easy decision for him.
And I'm liking Sirius and Damien, too :) It's nice when they play nice and when you get along with the in-laws!
Thanks again :)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 01:42 am (UTC)Damien smoothed his son's hair with a hand that had been broken and rehealed when he'd been given the news
This says so much in so few words.
Hasn't Remus told Peter that Tina was behind the attack? Oh ... wait. Did they obliviate him so he wouldn't remember who was at the door? Shit.
Funeral scene, with Damien talking to S/R ... God, you'll have me crying again.
And ACK, THE NOTE. I'm sorry my review is so disjointed - just scribbling down notes as I'm reading. But MAN you broke me into a thousand pieces over and over in this chapter. Wow, it was good. The last mother/son event, the attack, the hospital, Alex (including that he sacrificed his job for what he believed was right), the funeral, and the note. *crumples* So, so good. I don't know what you struggled with, but it turned out fabulously. *tries not to envy your talent*
no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 01:57 am (UTC)I LOVED Sirius' "get over yourself" speech to James. Wow, that was fabulous.
Thanks :) That was one of those that flowed one night long before I hit the scene and I had to write it. Sirius has been waiting for that for a long, long time >:)
Hasn't Remus told Peter that Tina was behind the attack? Oh ... wait. Did they obliviate him so he wouldn't remember who was at the door? Shit.
Right in one. :) At one point, Peter mentioned that Tina had been taken on as an obliviator for the Department of Accidental Magic Reversal. (or at least he said obliviate.) That's why Remus can't work out why he opened the door.
I don't know what you struggled with
Two things- one is boring and mundane (I have to give a presentation next week at the American Oil Chemists' Society meeting and had to get a lot of data together), and the other is fic related (I didn't want to kill Marilyn). But thanks so much! I always really appreciate your reviews, because I really respect your opinion.
Glad you enjoyed :) (And thanks again for this round of beta comments!)
no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 01:58 am (UTC)But of course, I look forward to the next chapter. :P Thank you for sharing!
no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 03:31 am (UTC)I feel the same about the AU in some ways, but I know where I'm ending this fic (with a nice, happy epilogue that takes place after PoA...), so at least the whole thing doesn't end on this horribly depressing note.
Glad you enjoyed- and thanks!
no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 02:29 am (UTC)Oh.... sooo sad and oh... I can't wait to read more - it's going to really hurt isn't it *starts to prepare self mentally*
no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 03:31 am (UTC)Thanks!
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 03:24 am (UTC)Despite all the awful things that happened in this chapter (my eyes watered up a fair few times, let me tell you!) I still really, really enjoyed reading it.
Sirius taking James to Wandwaver's and dancing with him-- that just touched me in so many different ways. Both Sirius and James are very masculine, and then after such an emotional night to share that moment-- it was perfect. I have a mental image of the moment between the two and oh no, my eyes are watering again... *grabs kleenex*
The foreshadowing with Mrs. Lupin and Lily-- if I'm not inferring incorrectly, I think that Mrs. Lupin was raped (or nearly raped?) and this will be the catalyst that pushes Lily to finally confess to James. I can't wait for that scene and the aftermath (even though I know it's going to hurt so much...)
My favorite part of this chapter was, obviously, Sirius admitting that he does love Remus, and his reaction to Remus's injuries in front of Peter and James (kissing his face--!!). I really, really hope that the pups will realize they're in love, and openly admit it to each other. It'll be very intriuging to see if the dynamics change at all. It's all in the subtle things, really. :)
Absolutely gorgeous chapter-- so thick with plot (just how I like it!) I can't wait for chapter 8. ^_^
... and a small, tiny little quibble:
"I see your knuts, and I raise them two."
Sirius and Remus both guffawed, and Peter glared at them. "Honestly! Could you two please stop that for one minute? Just one!"
About the whole knuts/nuts joke-- on scholastic's website they have an audio pronunciation guide of all the words in JKR's books, and knuts is actually pronounced "kah-noots". Just thought I'd let you know-- it surprised me when I first learned that, too. You can find the pronunciation guide here:
http://www.scholastic.com/harrypotter/reference/
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Date: 2005-04-30 03:42 am (UTC)I never knew that about the knuts/k-nuts thing. (Do you start thinking Monty Python and k-niggits too?). I think I'll keep it though, just cause I like having the pair of them behave like Beavis and Butthead every now and again. ("heh heh. He said 'knuts'.")
I'm glad you enjoyed it! I knew this was going to be a hard chapter, but I also knew that there were things people were really waiting for, like James and Peter finding out. (And the Sirius in my head has been waiting FOREVER to make that speech to James!)
The foreshadowing with Mrs. Lupin and Lily-- if I'm not inferring incorrectly, I think that Mrs. Lupin was raped (or nearly raped?) and this will be the catalyst that pushes Lily to finally confess to James. I can't wait for that scene and the aftermath (even though I know it's going to hurt so much...)
You know, that's really interesting. It wasn't what I'd actually intended, to be honest- I figured it was bad enough making Remus watch his mother be tortured without adding in rape. But realistically, it could have happened. I deliberately left that part vague because I think it's best left to the reader's imagination.
The Lily thing is certainly not gone, but what's frustrating is that there have been progressions there that we don't know about because Sirius and Remus don't know about them. Which frustrates me as well- I wish I could show that right now! Between that and there's going to be a lot of Peter stuff going on that we just don't see... (can you sense my frustration there, too?) ::Sigh::
Have you read Lily Two by
My favorite part of this chapter was, obviously, Sirius admitting that he does love Remus,
::grin:: It's nice that they're finally getting it, isn't it? Remus is pretty clued in at the beginning of this chapter, too, but I think he's fundamentally a less honest person than Sirius. Sirius can't even lie to himself.
I actually kind of feel their frustration. The truth is they are in love, but they just can't figure out how to define their relationship. They don't have an appropriate model, and they're not at all ready for a real commitment. They're just way too young for it, generally speaking. But the only romantic lovers they've known have either gotten married or are close enough to being married- they just don't know where to go if they actually admit they're in love. It's really, really, really too bad Alphard's dead. ::Sigh::
Thanks again so much! :)
(no subject)
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Date: 2005-04-30 04:34 am (UTC)“His family’s safe,” Sirius said.
“Until Voldemort realizes he works for the Order.”
And the penny dropped. That's the real reason Peter turned. The tears were tears of guilt - he didn't realize protecting himself would cost so much.
The last note put ice down my spine.
I don't have time for my typical essay, but I really should cut down on those anyway. Just that you can see that this story has a huge effect on me. The emotions and the plot are so well conveyed, so enormous yet so personal and real.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 02:02 pm (UTC)Totally. I kinda hate me too. That's why I had a hard time writing this, even though I knew exactly how it all went. I didn't want to write Marilyn's death. I liked her too.
And the penny dropped. That's the real reason Peter turned. The tears were tears of guilt - he didn't realize protecting himself would cost so much.
::huge grin:: He hasn't turned quite yet, but I'm really, really glad that the biggest reason he did came through.
Thanks so much :)
(no subject)
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From:Evra again...
Date: 2005-04-30 05:16 am (UTC)Hoping your conference goes well, and looking forward to part 8.
*hugs*
Evra
Re: Evra again...
Date: 2005-04-30 02:03 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed it! (And were mentally prepared!)
A little good news- I'm not going to put Remus through that hell we talked about earlier. I might have to write it as a one shot or something, but... too much. He's safe. Sort of....
::hugs back atcha::
Liss
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Date: 2005-04-30 05:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 02:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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From:no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 07:52 am (UTC)It almost feels inappropriate to go all nitpicky after that, but I noticed two little things:
Sirius deepened the kiss, but his hands shook as they trailed down to the Remus's robes and hesitated there, and Remus's heart hurt as he pulled away and saw the questions in Sirius's eyes.
There's a "the" too much in there (...
theRemus's robes ...)Remus cupped Sirius's cheek and caressing the skin with his thumb.
I guess that's either supposed to be "... cupped Sirius's cheek and caressed ..." or " cupped Sirius's cheek , caressing ..."
And I'll go looking for more tissues now.
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Date: 2005-04-30 02:07 pm (UTC)Yeah. I didn't want to write Marilyn dying. It was hard. If it helps, while there will be more deaths in this, we do know that most of the main characters are safe. Well, except James. And Lily. (But those are NOT my fault! ;) ) And I already have the rough draft of the very happy epilogue written, so I can post it as soon as the last part is done. They'll need it!
Thanks! And thanks too for the comments- I was waiting for them before I sent the final draft to FA.
And I love your icon!
(no subject)
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Date: 2005-04-30 08:06 am (UTC)*sobs uncontrollably*
~~Jessica
P.S. Be back with real review when I'm coherent and it's NOT 4AM.
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Date: 2005-04-30 02:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 08:09 am (UTC)I'm sure I have nothing to say that people haven't already said.
but, ouch! that note! gah!
and I really really love with the dynamics you laid out for St. Mungos. very painfully realistic I think.
Again, just. really amazing.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 01:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 08:29 am (UTC)I had grown so attached to Marilyn seeing her hurt nearly made me cry. This is a fic I can't help but find myself reading and reading once a month or so. The story is so in depth and the OC's are so real it almost feels like canon.
And now theres Reg too...
*whimpers and dies*
Do you know how long the story will be when finished?
SO can not wait for the next part!!
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Date: 2005-04-30 02:13 pm (UTC)I'm really hoping I can finish by HBP, because I think HBP will blow a lot of this out of the water and into AU, just if we find out jobs and other little things like that. I suspect the next parts will cover more time, but I'm really not sure. We'll see how it goes! It's one of those things where I know the plot, but I don't know how much page space each event will get. I honestly thought there'd be a LOT more with James and Lily's wedding, but it ended up being very short, all things considered. So... ::shrugs::
Thanks!
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Date: 2005-04-30 11:15 am (UTC)And so very cruel!
I can't believe that you've done this! It wasn't enough for you to have Lily raped; to have such a nice girl like Lily spend her first night not with the man she loved, but with a horrible man!
It wasn't enough that in this story james and Lily will die and Sirius and Remus will fall apart!
You really had to do this and kill Remus's mum! This is extremely cruel and I am sorry but it doesn't have any justification!
You can say no matter how many times you want that it was important for the plot! IT WASN'T! you could have achieved things differently! Have Remus's mum very badly injures for example!
I really can't understand you! Especially as you are expecting a child! How could you kill her? If you really had to kill somone, it would have been much better if Damien had died!
Really cruel! And right now I really don't care that it is your writing and you have the right to do whatever you want!
CRUEL and unnecessary!
You made us love her, she was such a wonderful woman! Your writting is so realistic and you made us love her and now you killed her! No child should lose his mother so young!
And you know what? I will probably regret things later, but I am too much of a Sirius and this is the way I react! Right now I don't give a damn that I sound harsh! You are even crueler than Jo is, who killed Sirius, and maybe will kill Remus too!
You made me cry! I have been crying for more than 15 minutes! And I am sorry, but you are far from bgeing my favorite person right now!
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Date: 2005-04-30 01:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2005-04-30 04:53 pm (UTC)I am so glad that you did not flinch, or pull back. Writers have responsibilities to their stories, not necessarily to the readers. Yes, Marilyn Lupin had to die, just as Sirius Black had to die in canon. We know this is what Death Eaters do. (Though I thought it was interesting that Damien Lupin survived. I would have thought both parents would have died then, but there you go. You obviously have a good reason for keeping Damien alive for now. Can't wait to read it.)
Anyhoo, more comments:
I love love *love* that little scene where Sirius doubts Remus' feelings for him after the Quibbler article. Sex isn't just about pleasure. The love and comfort in this scene rang true, good job!
The little scene between Sirius and Sommers was touching too. The encounter between current and former lovers had just enough tension to be believable.
And brava for handling James' reaction to Sirius and Remus being outed! The Wandwavers interlude was an original and moving way to handle it.
The shared grief between Remus and Damien was well-handled without getting maudlin. Interesting how Damien accepted Remus' and Sirius' relationship so well given everything. Damien's kiss on both their foreheads and the plea not to hurt each other--wow.
I really like your Peter. You've written him as a truly likable character, which makes his later betrayal all the more poignant.
Again--well done! I daresay this is your strongest, and best, chapter yet!
no subject
Date: 2005-04-30 05:13 pm (UTC)Thanks :) I hate that both Sirius and Marilyn had to die, but when you're writing war... ::sigh;: Death happens. And oh yeah, you will NOT be disappointed with why Damien is still alive >:) There is a reason, and it's a doozie.
Also, thre's the reason that I decided as soon as I read the snippet behind the study door that the Lion Man in book 6 was Remus's father. Thus the reason Damien and Remus have amber eyes. Heh.
I love love *love* that little scene where Sirius doubts Remus' feelings for him after the Quibbler article. Sex isn't just about pleasure. The love and comfort in this scene rang true, good job!
Thanks! It's funny that you point that out, because that IS an example of where someone (maybe you or
Interesting how Damien accepted Remus' and Sirius' relationship so well given everything.
One thing I really, really wanted was for Remus's parents to be okay overall with Remus being gay. Sure, Damien blew his top at first, but honestly? It was the 1970s and Remus was already a victim of prejudice. The roots of Damien's anger have always been simple: he loves Remus and wants the best for him, and every time that doesn't happen he gets upset because he can't change it. Damien is in such a hard position, because it really hurts not to be able to protect your child, and he often feels like he's failed Remus. And now that he knows Sirius much better, he really does care about him deeply, and I think at this point he can see just how similar he and Sirius really are. And he's always known how similar Marilyn and Remus are. He can see that they truly are good for each other, and right now, he's actually relieved. Remus has someone who loves him, and it's someone that- now that they understand each other- Damien thinks is good for Remus. And that's really what he's wanted for Remus Remus's entire life.
Thanks so much for your review! (And I also agree with your other comment. 9 times out of 10, when I don't like a fic I just don't bother to review. But I hate saying that, because a lot of times I DO like fics and I still don't review because I'm busy or lazy or tired or I mean to get back to it and don't. Heh.)
(no subject)
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Date: 2005-04-30 07:06 pm (UTC)This is absolutely the best chapter you've written until now, and dear God, how it must have hurt to write it! The depth of feeling and insight is amazing. I don't know where to begin listing the things that floored me, so this is random: Alex Sommers (a Slytherin, IIRC) risking his job to save Remus, Sirius speech to James, Peter crying about the terrible decision he's made/going to make, Remus laughing a moment before Alex tells him his mother is dead, Tina's betrayal (turning her name into horrible irony), Damien's reaction to R/S, the appearance of Regulus Black (I hope to see more of him!)... I love this story to distraction. Ever since I found out about the Marauders and their tragic history - the best backstory ever - I've wanted to read something like this, so I'm very grateful that you wrote it.
Don't hurry too much but use all the time you need to keep up the good work; I won't mind if it's not finished when HPB comes out. What JKR comes up with will have to resemble this, or I may not be too impressed. After she said Remus was a half-blood, I wondered what happened to his parents, and I couldn't imagine any better answer than that at least one of them was killed during the first Voldemort War. So whatever we're going to read in July, as far as I'm concerned, this is what happened.
p.s. I hope you don't mind me ranting against your anonymouse.
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Date: 2005-05-06 06:22 pm (UTC)Thanks so much!
Alex Sommers (a Slytherin, IIRC) risking his job to save Remus
Yup. Alex is a Slytherin. Like so many others, I'm convinced that not all Slytherins are evil. Alex is just very, very ambitious, but he believes in doing what's right, as well.
Remus laughing a moment before Alex tells him his mother is dead
It's really funny you point that out. Random historical comment here: right after (like, seconds after) my father passed away, we all gathered to hold hands and say the Lord's Prayer. Of course I was crying, and I didn't have a tissue, so I wiped my hand on my nose. My sister was standing next to me and she wouldn't take my hand, and we started laughing, earning us both dirty glares from all four sets of grandparents. I remember apologizing later to my mother, but she laughed and said that that was what happened sometimes. Your mind just won't absorb it and leaps to the most superficial thing, and sometimes you have to laugh to release some of the emotion. So I'm really, really glad that that part hit you, because it had a special meaning to me.
Don't hurry too much but use all the time you need to keep up the good work; I won't mind if it's not finished when HPB comes out.
Thanks :) I would like to get it finished by HBP, but I'm less and less optimistic. We'll have to see!
p.s. I hope you don't mind me ranting against your anonymouse.
As long as people don't get nasty, I really don't mind. :)
Thanks again!
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Date: 2005-04-30 11:16 pm (UTC)This is one of your strongest chapters. I really enjoy your characterizations. Even the minor characters have distinct personalities that come through, and that's hard to do when they don't have a lot of page time. The most powerful part for me was Damien's reaction after the funeral. I think if Damien had caught on to the relationship at any other time, there would've been a tremendous uproar, even though he's been positively friendly toward Sirius lately. But at that moment the uppermost concern in his mind is that they never hurt each other. It made me wonder what parts of his life with Marilyn he was reliving, what he wished he could take back. Very moving.
On to some questions...I was a little surprised that Dumbledore was so open to Caradoc. Even if Caradoc's in the Order, the fewer people who know that Remus is going to be a spy, the better, right? Is he going to be pulled away from his job, and Caradoc has to know why? And you might not answer this, but I have a sinking feeling that Regulus' note arriving on the bed is the proverbial s*** en route to the fan...is Sirius going to read it first?
Oh, and how many parts are there going to be? I thought this would be the last for some reason, but it feels like there are going to be at least two more.
Keep it up! I'll be on the lookout for part 8.
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Date: 2005-05-11 08:34 pm (UTC)First of all, thanks so much :) Second, are you someone from over at Immeritus? :)
On to some questions...I was a little surprised that Dumbledore was so open to Caradoc. Even if Caradoc's in the Order, the fewer people who know that Remus is going to be a spy, the better, right? Is he going to be pulled away from his job, and Caradoc has to know why?
Right in one. Actually, I needed a good, concise way to let the reader know precisely what was going on, and wasn't sure who all was going to know. Caradoc worked, because there was a plausible reason for him to know and it's exactly what you said- more time away from the job.
In theory, the fewer people that know, the better. But I had one of those ideas as well.... hehehehe.
And you might not answer this, but I have a sinking feeling that Regulus' note arriving on the bed is the proverbial s*** en route to the fan...is Sirius going to read it first?
Because it's a minor plot point in the grand scheme of things, no. Remus actually read the letter when he saw it, and he saw it first.
One of the things I really want to be clear in this is how Sirius could think Remus- the person he loves- went over to Voldemort. And a lot of the cliches never quite sit right with me. I'm hoping people will both be very surprised and also think that yes, for the way I set it up it makes TONS of sense, but I'm also hoping that I can show just how you can love someone and have to make the decision Sirius made.
Oh, and how many parts are there going to be? I thought this would be the last for some reason, but it feels like there are going to be at least two more.
I'm honestly not sure. I know most of the major events that happen, but I can never be sure on the amount of pages things will take. Most of my chapters are 20 pages (SS, 10pt TNR font) when I write them, and some events take up a lot more than I intended, and some take up a lot less. Sirius's father, for example, was supposed to be a couple paragraphs. And I thought James' and Lily's wedding would be over half a chapter. ::Shrugs:: So that's why I never know quite how many parts, even though I know exactly where I'm going!
Thanks again!
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-05-01 03:57 am (UTC)Squee.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-06 06:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-01 06:30 am (UTC)When Alex told Remus that his mother died I yelled, "NOOOOOOO! It's like OotP page 808 (U.S. edition) all over again!!!" I had to walk away from my computer to grab some tissues & chocolate. Funny how bite-size Butterfingers can help you finish reading. The whole gay werewolf/hysterical laughing scene helped cheer me up (until the funeral & then I was all sad & stuff again).
I love the exchange between James & Sirius - or should I say Sirius & the-one-how-shall-not-speak. That was perfect - seemed exactly like something he would do.
I really want to Avada Kedavra Tina at this moment but that would be too nice. She should be tied to a chair, given paper cuts all over her exposed skin, then have lemon juice & tabasco sauce dumped on her. Then Crucio .. then Avada Kedavra. *stares at passage* Wow I sound mean. *eg*
To try to wrap this up on a more positive note .. really happy that they are starting to realize they're in love. Give me the warm fuzzies inside. *snuggles the pups*
*goes in search of more chocolate*
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Date: 2005-05-06 06:25 pm (UTC)Glad you had Butterfingers with you. I'm more a Heath Bar girl myself, but right now most chocolate is making me horribly sick. It really, really sucks.
I really want to Avada Kedavra Tina at this moment but that would be too nice. She should be tied to a chair, given paper cuts all over her exposed skin, then have lemon juice & tabasco sauce dumped on her. Then Crucio .. then Avada Kedavra. *stares at passage* Wow I sound mean. *eg*
You do, but I totally agree with you >:) Tina is a psychotic bitch. She actually enjoys certain aspects of this. Honestly, she scares me.
To try to wrap this up on a more positive note .. really happy that they are starting to realize they're in love. Give me the warm fuzzies inside. *snuggles the pups*
Yeah, about time, isn't it? Boys. But since it took my husband three years to say the L-word, they can wait!!!! :)
Thanks again, and have some chocolate for me!
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Date: 2005-05-01 02:14 pm (UTC)I need chocolate.
Can't wait for the next update.
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Date: 2005-05-06 06:28 pm (UTC)Thanks again :)
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Date: 2005-05-01 02:51 pm (UTC)But no way can I not read. It is all just too funny and feels so real. Remus sequines and onion line just about killed me! Everytime I read this, all the characters just feel so right. Your characterizations have taken up firm residense in my head as canon. This is how they were!
Reading this I laugh, snicker and sniffle, and knowing what is going to happen just about breaks my heart. I'm sorely tempted to make up my "alternate ending", just to save my heart.
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Date: 2005-05-06 06:29 pm (UTC)Thanks so much!
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Date: 2005-05-01 05:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-06 06:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-01 06:48 pm (UTC)The way the sentence was structured, I was expecting to read, "this knowledge *was* old and familier," as in, Damien had known for some time but hadn't been able to speak about it. So, did Damien just figure it out, or did Sirius just figure out that Damien knew?
I think it meant that Damien had just figured it out. That's how I read it. And, I think in the context of the scene, given the circumstances Damien was just happy that Remus had Sirius to support him.
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Date: 2005-05-06 06:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-01 08:52 pm (UTC)So over two days I have been reading every chapter, and I've got to say... this is a FANTASTIC story. I'm going to rec it on my LJ.
You've done my favorite things with the boys.
They are all not the stereotypical boys that everyone writes, Peter is not an idiot, James is not perfect, Sirius is not some extreme wild child that is a "sex God" and Remus isn't sitting eating chocolates and reading books through the whole thing.
I really enjoyed reading this!
When may the next part be out?
K
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Date: 2005-05-06 06:34 pm (UTC)They are all not the stereotypical boys that everyone writes, Peter is not an idiot, James is not perfect, Sirius is not some extreme wild child that is a "sex God" and Remus isn't sitting eating chocolates and reading books through the whole thing.
::grin:: This is EXACTLY what I'm aiming for. I get very tired with certain fanon conventions, and the chocolate and books are two of the biggest! (And Peter. Peter is now becoming my pet character in a way.)
I seem to be updating about once a month right now. A lot depends on my husband (how often he's home), my work (I get a LOT more writing done when I'm doing engine tests!) and if the chapter flows or not. I'm a little worried about this next one because I think some of the parts are challenging, but I thought this last one would flow really easy and clammed up for a bit when I had to write Marilyn's death, so what do I know? :)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 01:25 am (UTC)I just started reading this again last night. I started the first part awhile back, but I just found it again and couldn't believe why I didn't finish it! It's amazing, it really is. Can't wait for the next part!
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Date: 2005-05-06 06:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 04:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-06 06:36 pm (UTC)Thanks again!