Self-indulgent whining

[lls_mutant]

You know what sucks the most about being a stay at home mom with a husband that travels? It's fucking lonely. And I don't swear often, so you know I mean it.

I'm not the most social person by any means. Never have been. I'm shy, awkward around people I don't know, and shit at small talk. But there's a difference between anti-social and reserved and being a complete hermit, which is what I feel like now.

But being at home... I rarely see people, and I'm going nuts. I know that part of the problem right now is simple: it's winter, and no one in the development is outside. And I'm not crazy about taking Toby out in the cold. (Or taking him someplace that's not a quicker errand, because it's a pain to do it alone.) But it's more than that.

My husband has lived in this town all his life. I, however, moved here in 2002. I've tried a few ways to start putting down some roots- I got active in church, I made a few friends at work, and since we've moved to this development I've been playing Bunco. But I've yet to find that connection with someone. What I crave- really crave- is a female "best friend." I've always been the type to have a few very close friends rather than a lot of friends, and I miss having that little group. I have a few of those people... but they're scattered. They live in places like Wisconsin and North Carolina, and while they're wonderful, popping over for an hour's chat just doesn't happen. And with Toby, my computer time has become extremely limited. My two good friends from work (who I miss intensely) are going through some really tough personal things right now and are working, so visiting is hard.

But more than that, while I really like my neighbors and my development, everyone has sort of set up their little cliques here already. We were the last couple to move in, and we were the in the last five couples that didn't have kids. It's not that people aren't friendly, it's that it's up to me to do all the work in forming friendships, and that's something I've never been good at.

On top of that, I feel boring. Because I'm home all day with Toby, I rarely have anything to report, or anything to say. I don't really know what's going on in the world, and my day- feeding, burping, playing, changing, etc. doesn't lead to much exciting conversation. And when Toby does nap, I do one of three things: write, work out, or clean house. Again, not very interesting conversation. There just isn't much for me to talk about.

Howard asked me if I wanted to go back to work, and I said no. I do feel strongly that staying home is the right thing for me, as we have the means to do it. But I do miss the contact with the real world. I sometimes miss science, although not as badly as I thought I would. I miss being someone important to more than just one person. I miss dressing up (erm, not that I ever did for work, given that I worked with diesel fuel and an engine), I miss being taken seriously, I miss being called Doctor. I miss having interesting things happen at times, I miss arguing with people, I even miss the stupid silly office annoyances.

I know things will get better. Spring will come, and Toby and I can get out more. Toby gets bigger every day, and within a month he's going to really be doing more and more, and being more interactive. Right now, I can play with him and all, but he's not able to really interact still. There have been about 10 little boys born in our development in the past two years, and so eventually Toby will have playmates and I'll get to know their parents, and that's how I'll make my friends in the development. I will lose this weight and be able to dress nicely again. (Of course, then I'll have another baby, but hey.) One of these days I'll finish my paper and get writing freelance. (Okay, HOW does JKR write with kids? Seriously?) I know things will get better- it's just the getting there that's hard.

Thus ends my little whining session. I should get back to writing my remix.

Comments

[brieza.livejournal.com]

Sometimes whining is the best way to get things out. (And I actually like to read whining, for some odd reason.)

You're right that things will get better, but I know how hard it is to make friends. Especially post-school and in a new town. The people in my neighborhood are all either retirees or people with school age kids. I'm just a 27 year old programmer/grad student with pets, so I don't have much in common with them.

In response to how does JKR write with kids? I wish I knew as well! I babysit my nephews occasionally and can't get anything done while they are around. i'm still trying to catch up on homework that was put assign when I babysat them on Monday.

Feel free to whine. It'll make you feel better.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :) That's exactly what I figure- whining just gets it all off your chest and is kind of a release. Spring comes soon... really... :)

[medicinal-mirth.livejournal.com]

Whine away. No one's going to mind. Especially those of us in very similar situations. You pretty much just described my life. And for a few years there, every time it got a bit easier, I had another kid. :S (I was only planning on two, but Danny was insistant on conception.)

I've always been socially awkward, but at least when I was working it gave me time to build relationships. At home? Well, I'm the only grown-up here. So, you aren't alone, there are lots of us out there who know exactly how you feel right now.

But you're also right in thinking that it will get better. Every month that goes by, Toby will grow and mature and it'll get easier to get out of the house. Next thing you know he'll have playdates and preschool -- I know it seems far off, but it's not really. The time flies.

Hang in there, whine to us, get out of the house whenever possible, even if it's just to take a walk -- and I really need to take my own advice *g* -- and hang on to the reasons you decided to stay home. As long as it's what you really want to do (I'm not someone who thinks all moms/dads should stay at home) it'll make the harder times easier.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't think the answer is the same for every family. If I had a job that allowed me to work part time or from home, I'm not 100% sure I'd give up work altogether. But I don't :P It really is a family-to-family sort of thing.

And yeah, if I can just hold out for a few more weeks, then it will be warm enough again to go for walks and take Toby out without it being a major project. Once I can get out for walks, that alone will make SUCH a difference!

And thanks :)

[sasha-davidovna.livejournal.com]

I don't have kids, but I feel pretty much the same right now. I love all the travelling we do, but the downside is that I can't get a job outside the home because almost nobody wants to hire someone for three months and we don't stay long enough in any one place to make friends, especially since I am shy around people I don't know well and take a long time to warm up. Except for Jama and the occasional phone call to my family or college friends, LJ is basically the extent of my social life, which is kind of sad.

Like you, I've never been a very social person. In college, I literally scheduled hours daily of "alone time" just to make sure I got enough. But it would be nice to have at least a couple good friends that I can see face-to-face more than once a year. Now that we're back in Omaha it will be better, because at least I'll have my parents, who I'm very close to, and Jama's family, some of whom I'm close to, but I miss having non-family friends.

PS - I don't have kids, but mom says she used to feel the same way sometimes when we were young, and she was a stay-at-home mom by both choice and preference.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

I suspect it's a very common problem- and I actually felt the same way in grad schiool quite frequently as well.

but I miss having non-family friends.

Amen. One of the suggestions my husband keeps coming up with is "you know you can call my Mom any time, right?" Um, yeah. Thanks hon. I love his mom, don't get me wrong, but it's having friends my own age that I'd really like.

Just a few months (or if we're all lucky- weeks! SPRING!)

[merlinssister12.livejournal.com]

It will get better. It'll be spring soon and you and Toby will get out and meet the other new moms in the park. I used to love coming out of "hibernation" and seeing how much all the neighbourhood kids had grown.

You might want to see if there is a local playgroup, I know Toby is still really young, ie. not sitting up yet, but some playgroups have playpens for babies his age. It will get you out of the house and meet other new moms who also think they are really boring. I think most new stay-at-home moms feel that way, and you have a fair bit more going on on the side than some, I know when my kids were Toby's age I really was boring, of course being exiled to Shilo, Manitoba can do that to you.

I'm shy too, and my husband is also frequently away, so I can relate to how you feel. IT WILL GET BETTER, and probably sooner than you think.

In the meantime whine to us all you want, it is a release.
Hope this helps.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

Yeah, I'm actually thinking in a matter of weeks it will start getting better. Just as soon as the weather is warm enough that we can go out walking again. There's actually another woman in my development that had a baby boy two weeks after we had Toby, so I'm hoping I can get to know her better. (I suspect I will over time!)

[aome.livejournal.com]

Yep, that's a lot about how I feel - bored, boring, and lonely. I have exactly two real friends in the area (men), but they're often busy, as are the few other moms-of-young-kids; I'm the only stay-at-home here, which is more frustrating. The moms are at work and the kids in full-time daycare. And, like you, I feel it's worse in winter when you can't go to the playground or hang out in your front yard, to possibly meet those people who *aren't* booked all day. Wish you lived closer.

HOW does JKR write with kids?

She can afford nannies. :-P

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

We should really get together again sometime- that was a lot of fun. And I second the wish you lived closer motion!

I'm counting the days (hard) until spring. That will really make things a lot better!

And yeah, that's right. :P Plus, when she started Harry Potter, her oldest was old enough to play and amuse herself.

[aome.livejournal.com]

I was realizing my comment had absolutely nothing useful to add, only my own whining, which doesn't help you in the slightest. Wanted to apologize for that.

And shall we plan for another visit, then? Maybe a weekend so I can hand off the girls? What works for you?

[tesseract-5.livejournal.com]

These are all very ligitimate feelings!! don't feel bad for feeling lonely! sheesh :)

Is there anywhere indoors ala a coffee shop that caters to moms with kids? Some of my friends found a nifty coffee shop that hosts classes for new moms during the couple years. She met some sympathetic women in her neighborhood this way, that she wouldn't have otherwise.

Another friend of mine did the same thing, moved from being a professional (lawyer) to stay-at-home mom in a completely unknown neighborhood. She found a mall that had an indoor playground (she had a toddler at this point) and is trying to find friends through church.

*hugs*

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the ideas- I'll have to ask around!

I really need to meet the right people at church. The ones I know all have kids in junior high! There's a few other young families, but a few problems:

1.) we aren't going to church right now because sleep rates over church :)

2.) Most of them go to the 11:15 service. We go to the 8:30. There's a difference in the services, and on top of that, my in-laws attend the 8:30 one. There's got to be a way around this somehow....

[krisomniac.livejournal.com]

No worries. Read books. That's what I do when I feel uninteresting.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things and spring is here, in calendar time if not reality.

Friends are hard to come by, but you will. And who knows, when Toby is a little more self-sufficient you might want to go back to work. :)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

Books are good. I'm still only a third of the way through Clash of Kings.

And yeah- once kid #2 is ready for part time daycare, I am so going back to some sort of work!!!!!!

[lady-nimua.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* I've nothing good to say. I just hope it will get better for you.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It will, in a few weeks. Once spring is here....

[wickedevra.livejournal.com]

You've just described my life, but without the baby and with the need to get a job. Which makes it sound less than similar, but this is a pointless post except to say I do understand how you feel and it sucks. I get the impression over here that having a kid makes it easier to meet people - other moms anyway. Maybe there are like mothers' groups or something where you can meet at least people in the same situation as you and possibly potential friends.

Um, anyway *HUGS*

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

(Okay, HOW does JKR write with kids? Seriously?)

Nannies, I believe? :-P

You're not boring. No you're not. You're just stuck in that early babyhood rut for now. It's worse with early winter babies, because the weather is nasty and they just can't do much 'til spring. But sometimes you have to just get out and do things, no matter the weather. I took a year off with my son and I found I just had to go out or I would go crazy, even though I'm the poster child for anti-social. Are there mommy-and-baby groups at the local Y, or the library? Or a drop-in playgroup? Does the development have a mommy's club? How about starting one yourself if the development doesn't? Once you start swapping war stories you'll find you're not boring at all. *g*

Just hang in there, spring's on its way and then you'll both blossom.

[rinelk.livejournal.com]

I don't know whether this would be up your street or not, but I know that Rochester has a boardgaming group that meets every month. I've yet to go, but as I'm dealing with a similar paucity of local friends and little reason to leave the house, I've considered it and may yet. There are a lot of options which are mentally engaging enough to remind you that you're smart, and my impression of those adults willing to play boardgames is that they're less likely to make me uncomfortable than most folks. You might want to check around to see whether such a group exists in your area; if none does, I've heard good things about starting them through church. I'd be delighted to serve as a resource about what games are worth playing, and http://www.boardgamegeek.com has more information than I could ever want. A possibility, anyway. I'm finding that playing in Magic drafts on Friday nights and indoor soccer Thursday nights are doing much of what I'd want, but more would be better.