Self-indulgent whining

[lls_mutant]

You know what sucks the most about being a stay at home mom with a husband that travels? It's fucking lonely. And I don't swear often, so you know I mean it.

I'm not the most social person by any means. Never have been. I'm shy, awkward around people I don't know, and shit at small talk. But there's a difference between anti-social and reserved and being a complete hermit, which is what I feel like now.

But being at home... I rarely see people, and I'm going nuts. I know that part of the problem right now is simple: it's winter, and no one in the development is outside. And I'm not crazy about taking Toby out in the cold. (Or taking him someplace that's not a quicker errand, because it's a pain to do it alone.) But it's more than that.

My husband has lived in this town all his life. I, however, moved here in 2002. I've tried a few ways to start putting down some roots- I got active in church, I made a few friends at work, and since we've moved to this development I've been playing Bunco. But I've yet to find that connection with someone. What I crave- really crave- is a female "best friend." I've always been the type to have a few very close friends rather than a lot of friends, and I miss having that little group. I have a few of those people... but they're scattered. They live in places like Wisconsin and North Carolina, and while they're wonderful, popping over for an hour's chat just doesn't happen. And with Toby, my computer time has become extremely limited. My two good friends from work (who I miss intensely) are going through some really tough personal things right now and are working, so visiting is hard.

But more than that, while I really like my neighbors and my development, everyone has sort of set up their little cliques here already. We were the last couple to move in, and we were the in the last five couples that didn't have kids. It's not that people aren't friendly, it's that it's up to me to do all the work in forming friendships, and that's something I've never been good at.

On top of that, I feel boring. Because I'm home all day with Toby, I rarely have anything to report, or anything to say. I don't really know what's going on in the world, and my day- feeding, burping, playing, changing, etc. doesn't lead to much exciting conversation. And when Toby does nap, I do one of three things: write, work out, or clean house. Again, not very interesting conversation. There just isn't much for me to talk about.

Howard asked me if I wanted to go back to work, and I said no. I do feel strongly that staying home is the right thing for me, as we have the means to do it. But I do miss the contact with the real world. I sometimes miss science, although not as badly as I thought I would. I miss being someone important to more than just one person. I miss dressing up (erm, not that I ever did for work, given that I worked with diesel fuel and an engine), I miss being taken seriously, I miss being called Doctor. I miss having interesting things happen at times, I miss arguing with people, I even miss the stupid silly office annoyances.

I know things will get better. Spring will come, and Toby and I can get out more. Toby gets bigger every day, and within a month he's going to really be doing more and more, and being more interactive. Right now, I can play with him and all, but he's not able to really interact still. There have been about 10 little boys born in our development in the past two years, and so eventually Toby will have playmates and I'll get to know their parents, and that's how I'll make my friends in the development. I will lose this weight and be able to dress nicely again. (Of course, then I'll have another baby, but hey.) One of these days I'll finish my paper and get writing freelance. (Okay, HOW does JKR write with kids? Seriously?) I know things will get better- it's just the getting there that's hard.

Thus ends my little whining session. I should get back to writing my remix.

Comments

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It will, in a few weeks. Once spring is here....