The Entomology of Mommyhood
Jun. 19th, 2006 01:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lls_mutantI was thinking about this little rant today as I mopped the floors. Actually, it's been on my mind for a while. But hey.
I try not to take part in the Mommy wars. You know, the factions that go so hard at each other about a woman in the workplace vs. a woman staying at home with their kids. I consider myself something of a feminist, and to me, the feminist movement meant that women should have a choice as to what they want to do with their lives. Work or stay home or (if you're REALLY lucky) something that mixes the two- it's for you and your partner to decide.
That said, obviously I do have strong feelings about me staying home with kids, or I wouldn't have done it. I do think children benefit from a parent at home, and I do think that a lot of kids today are such brats because parents are so busy they do what's easy instead of right. However, I don't think that the two are inherently connected. I know parents that both work outside the home full time that have wonderful children, and I knew plenty of brats when I was growing up that had stay-at-home moms. What it really comes down to is that I think different things work differently for different families, and each family must independently decide what the best arrangement for them is. I do think it's sad that it's so hard to make it on one salary any more, even if people want to live within their means. (Do you know how HARD it is to find a house in the low-to-mid 200 range in the Northeast? That's what my sis wants, and she can't find one that's not 50 years old and in need of major repairs. It's insaaaaaaaaaaaane.)
But someone asked me what I do the other day, and when I said "Oh, I'm home with my son," they said "oh, so you're a full time parent?" Well, yes, but not because I stay home. ALL parents are full-time parents, whether they work outside the home or inside it. Just one of those things that gets my goat. I might do it this way, but I'm certainly not going to throw stones at families that do it another way, and I'm REALLY not going to say that those women care less about their children than I do just because they go to work and I stay home.
That said, the other word I just can not bring myself to use is housewife. It drives me nuts in someways, because guess what, Liss? It's exactly. what. you. are. I am a housewife. And yet, I cringe just writing that. Why? The term "stay at home mom" (my preferred) doesn't bother me at all. "Housewife" sets my teeth on edge like nails on a chalkboard. It conjures images of 50's hairdos and sad country songs about men who don't appreciate all that their women do for them.
I think there's several reasons I really hate the term. To me, it IS a 50's term, and yeah, I don't like the imagry that goes with it. There's also something to be said about the country song thing, too. I actually have a husband that, I feel, for 85-99% of the time, fully realizes and appreciates how much I do around the house. There's something about the mental image of housewife that conjures up the Al Bundy husband- the one who comes home and sits on his ass and drinks beer as his wife slaves away. We all have our days where we feel underappreciated, and I'm certainly no exception (I'd also bet he isn't, either!), but I feel like the term "housewife" is somehow disrespectful to my husband, as well.
I think, too, there's the fact I don't plan on doing this all my life. Once the kid/s are in school, I fully intend to go back to work outside the home. And finally, "stay at home mom" reflects exactly why I am home and not out earning a paycheck, whereas "housewife" doesn't.
I don't know. I guess trying to diet is bringing on an identity crisis or something. But I'd better go blow up the kiddie pool. Now THERE'S a diet incentive- it's bathing suit season!
I try not to take part in the Mommy wars. You know, the factions that go so hard at each other about a woman in the workplace vs. a woman staying at home with their kids. I consider myself something of a feminist, and to me, the feminist movement meant that women should have a choice as to what they want to do with their lives. Work or stay home or (if you're REALLY lucky) something that mixes the two- it's for you and your partner to decide.
That said, obviously I do have strong feelings about me staying home with kids, or I wouldn't have done it. I do think children benefit from a parent at home, and I do think that a lot of kids today are such brats because parents are so busy they do what's easy instead of right. However, I don't think that the two are inherently connected. I know parents that both work outside the home full time that have wonderful children, and I knew plenty of brats when I was growing up that had stay-at-home moms. What it really comes down to is that I think different things work differently for different families, and each family must independently decide what the best arrangement for them is. I do think it's sad that it's so hard to make it on one salary any more, even if people want to live within their means. (Do you know how HARD it is to find a house in the low-to-mid 200 range in the Northeast? That's what my sis wants, and she can't find one that's not 50 years old and in need of major repairs. It's insaaaaaaaaaaaane.)
But someone asked me what I do the other day, and when I said "Oh, I'm home with my son," they said "oh, so you're a full time parent?" Well, yes, but not because I stay home. ALL parents are full-time parents, whether they work outside the home or inside it. Just one of those things that gets my goat. I might do it this way, but I'm certainly not going to throw stones at families that do it another way, and I'm REALLY not going to say that those women care less about their children than I do just because they go to work and I stay home.
That said, the other word I just can not bring myself to use is housewife. It drives me nuts in someways, because guess what, Liss? It's exactly. what. you. are. I am a housewife. And yet, I cringe just writing that. Why? The term "stay at home mom" (my preferred) doesn't bother me at all. "Housewife" sets my teeth on edge like nails on a chalkboard. It conjures images of 50's hairdos and sad country songs about men who don't appreciate all that their women do for them.
I think there's several reasons I really hate the term. To me, it IS a 50's term, and yeah, I don't like the imagry that goes with it. There's also something to be said about the country song thing, too. I actually have a husband that, I feel, for 85-99% of the time, fully realizes and appreciates how much I do around the house. There's something about the mental image of housewife that conjures up the Al Bundy husband- the one who comes home and sits on his ass and drinks beer as his wife slaves away. We all have our days where we feel underappreciated, and I'm certainly no exception (I'd also bet he isn't, either!), but I feel like the term "housewife" is somehow disrespectful to my husband, as well.
I think, too, there's the fact I don't plan on doing this all my life. Once the kid/s are in school, I fully intend to go back to work outside the home. And finally, "stay at home mom" reflects exactly why I am home and not out earning a paycheck, whereas "housewife" doesn't.
I don't know. I guess trying to diet is bringing on an identity crisis or something. But I'd better go blow up the kiddie pool. Now THERE'S a diet incentive- it's bathing suit season!
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no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 07:33 pm (UTC)She and her husband chose that path, and they're lucky that they can manage quite well on his salary alone. Looking back, it's funny how much I took for granted growing up - my mom was a stay at home mom as well, but my neighborhood was full of families with young children our age who lived next door, across the street and just down the block. And when kids all need car seats, you can't exactly carpool either, or pile everyone into the station wagon (or mini van now) and take the kids for ice cream. It's a different world today.
That's the thing about "choice" - all this talk and advocating of women's rights and pro-choice, but it appears that the choice bit is only valid if you choose whatever it is that's being advocated - i.e. choose to work, choose to breastfeed, etc. - and then it's not about choice at all. And that is what pisses me off. I have friends who wanted to stay home with their kids until they were old enough to go to school full time, but couldn't afford it. Their returning to the workforce two months after giving birth was not a 'boon' for women at all because their choice wasn't voluntary - it wasn't a choice at all. Others couldn't wait to get back to work.
There's no universal right or wrong or good or bad - it's exactly as you said - it's for the parents themselves to decide, what works for them.
By the way, neither you nor my sis (nor any of the other stay at home mom's I know) come anywhere close to fitting the '50s stereotypical 'housewife'!
no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 09:43 pm (UTC)If nothing else, I doubt the 50s ones read and wrote slash!!! :)
but it appears that the choice bit is only valid if you choose whatever it is that's being advocated - i.e. choose to work, choose to breastfeed, etc. - and then it's not about choice at all. And that is what pisses me off. I
Exactly. There's so many factors that come into parenting (whatever decision you make, be it to stay home or to nurse or to whatever), and because we're so concerned and worried already about if we're doing the best for our kids, it's hard NOT to listen when someone tells you you're not. I mean, I've felt more defensive about my choices in the past year than I have my entire life. I got a lot of people saying "WHY are you doing a degree in Fuel Science?" when I started, and it didn't bother me a bit. (Especially because the word 'emissions' tended to shut them up and convince them it had a future.) But while then I had no problem going about my own way, now I stop and recheck much more often. Which is fine... until I come up against someone who makes me feel like shit for chosing what I did.
I know I did let a few people down by staying home. My Mom was disappointed for quite a while, and I'm not convinced my advisor is over it. (I've noticed he doesn't answer my emails, even when I ask him a direct question.) I think my boss was a little saddened, as well, but he also knew he wasn't going to have the funding to keep me much longer, anyway. And it's NOT what I imagined when I started my degree. But who knows how life is going to turn out?
And that last sentence is the crux of it all. You just don't KNOW what you'd do in some situations until you get there. And even then you might change your mind!