The Entomology of Mommyhood

[lls_mutant]

I was thinking about this little rant today as I mopped the floors. Actually, it's been on my mind for a while. But hey.



I try not to take part in the Mommy wars. You know, the factions that go so hard at each other about a woman in the workplace vs. a woman staying at home with their kids. I consider myself something of a feminist, and to me, the feminist movement meant that women should have a choice as to what they want to do with their lives. Work or stay home or (if you're REALLY lucky) something that mixes the two- it's for you and your partner to decide.

That said, obviously I do have strong feelings about me staying home with kids, or I wouldn't have done it. I do think children benefit from a parent at home, and I do think that a lot of kids today are such brats because parents are so busy they do what's easy instead of right. However, I don't think that the two are inherently connected. I know parents that both work outside the home full time that have wonderful children, and I knew plenty of brats when I was growing up that had stay-at-home moms. What it really comes down to is that I think different things work differently for different families, and each family must independently decide what the best arrangement for them is. I do think it's sad that it's so hard to make it on one salary any more, even if people want to live within their means. (Do you know how HARD it is to find a house in the low-to-mid 200 range in the Northeast? That's what my sis wants, and she can't find one that's not 50 years old and in need of major repairs. It's insaaaaaaaaaaaane.)

But someone asked me what I do the other day, and when I said "Oh, I'm home with my son," they said "oh, so you're a full time parent?" Well, yes, but not because I stay home. ALL parents are full-time parents, whether they work outside the home or inside it. Just one of those things that gets my goat. I might do it this way, but I'm certainly not going to throw stones at families that do it another way, and I'm REALLY not going to say that those women care less about their children than I do just because they go to work and I stay home.

That said, the other word I just can not bring myself to use is housewife. It drives me nuts in someways, because guess what, Liss? It's exactly. what. you. are. I am a housewife. And yet, I cringe just writing that. Why? The term "stay at home mom" (my preferred) doesn't bother me at all. "Housewife" sets my teeth on edge like nails on a chalkboard. It conjures images of 50's hairdos and sad country songs about men who don't appreciate all that their women do for them.

I think there's several reasons I really hate the term. To me, it IS a 50's term, and yeah, I don't like the imagry that goes with it. There's also something to be said about the country song thing, too. I actually have a husband that, I feel, for 85-99% of the time, fully realizes and appreciates how much I do around the house. There's something about the mental image of housewife that conjures up the Al Bundy husband- the one who comes home and sits on his ass and drinks beer as his wife slaves away. We all have our days where we feel underappreciated, and I'm certainly no exception (I'd also bet he isn't, either!), but I feel like the term "housewife" is somehow disrespectful to my husband, as well.

I think, too, there's the fact I don't plan on doing this all my life. Once the kid/s are in school, I fully intend to go back to work outside the home. And finally, "stay at home mom" reflects exactly why I am home and not out earning a paycheck, whereas "housewife" doesn't.

I don't know. I guess trying to diet is bringing on an identity crisis or something. But I'd better go blow up the kiddie pool. Now THERE'S a diet incentive- it's bathing suit season!

Comments

[medicinal-mirth.livejournal.com]

Housewife makes it sound like you're married to the house. Like cleaning and cooking and all that is all you are. Bad word!

Whenever I have to fill out a form that asks for my occupation, I write in either stay at home mom or homemaker. I like homemaker. I think that encompasses everything I do without it sounding like I'm some sort of slave.

And I am so with you on the whole stupid debate about regarding stay at home vs. working moms. We're ALL working moms, whether we have an office or not. It's just silly.

[sasha-davidovna.livejournal.com]

I agree 100% with your first two paragraphs. Although I technically do work at home, I do identify myself as a writer/housewife, though. I'm terribly lazy linguistically and housewife is shorter and less awkward-sounding to me than stay-at-home-mom.

That's really the main reason I prefer "housewife," but there's a little bit of personal philosophy contributing also. I definitely agree about the unfortunate 50's connotations, but I also see it as putting the emphasis back on what I see as the primary relationship within the family - the husband and wife. This is not to say that the parent-child relationship isn't also incredibly important and enduring, but when it becomes the be-all and end-all of the family, that's when you start to see trouble with kids running the household and turning into little monsters. I guess a few too many of the people I've known who self-identified as stay-at-home-moms suffered from that problem and I've grown biased against the term.

[shaggydogstail.livejournal.com]

*offers you a large slice of word pie*

ALL parents are full-time parents, whether they work outside the home or inside it.

Oh, yes, this is one of my pet peeves. I don't stop being a mother when I'm in the office! *gnashes teeth*

I really get sick of the pressure on woment to work or not work--as if being a mother wasn't hard enough already without all that extra pressure. Having a job doesn't automatically make you a good feminist and not having one doesn't automatically make you a better mother. I happen to think I'm a damn good mother and my daughter is all kinds of wonderful, but my way of doing things is not the only way, nor even the best. Why is it so hard for some people to realise this.

Oh, and I never use the term housewife. It gives me twitches.

[minnow-53.livejournal.com]

Housewife is the suckiest word in the language. I describe myself as a mother and editor, because that's what I am. Housewives cook and clean and look radiant for their husbands. :D Nought out of three there for me. It's so outdated it isn't even funny.

Don't ever worry about what you're doing. If it's working for you, that's amazing.

^_^xx

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Homemaker is a good work as well, although for some reason I tend to shy away from that one, too, although I'm not sure why. (However, I do think it's one of the best for forms.) I guess I'm not crazy about it because, again, everyone is, in a sense, a homemaker? I don't know. There's no other word in the English language that I get my panties in such a twist over as the word to describe my occupation right now!

[medicinal-mirth.livejournal.com]

People could call me whatever they want if I could just earn social security and health benefits. *g*

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thank you for saying that, actually, because I actually really agree with you about the primary relationship being between the husband and wife, and that point definitely helps me come to peace with the word housewife a little more!

[midnitemaraud-r.livejournal.com]

My sister (who has her Masters in Historic Preservation and Art History and her undergrad in Interior Design) is also a 'stay-at-home' mom, which is a bit ironic since she spends just as much time during the day out of the home than in it - driving the kids to nursery school, picking them up at different times (and summer camp starts next week), taking Hannah to her Occupational Therapy classes twice a week, or to her dance class or karate (and Josh starts karate in the fall), taking the kids on "play dates", food or other shopping... (She's looking forward to the fall when Hannah starts kindergarten and the school provides a bus for her!)

She and her husband chose that path, and they're lucky that they can manage quite well on his salary alone. Looking back, it's funny how much I took for granted growing up - my mom was a stay at home mom as well, but my neighborhood was full of families with young children our age who lived next door, across the street and just down the block. And when kids all need car seats, you can't exactly carpool either, or pile everyone into the station wagon (or mini van now) and take the kids for ice cream. It's a different world today.

That's the thing about "choice" - all this talk and advocating of women's rights and pro-choice, but it appears that the choice bit is only valid if you choose whatever it is that's being advocated - i.e. choose to work, choose to breastfeed, etc. - and then it's not about choice at all. And that is what pisses me off. I have friends who wanted to stay home with their kids until they were old enough to go to school full time, but couldn't afford it. Their returning to the workforce two months after giving birth was not a 'boon' for women at all because their choice wasn't voluntary - it wasn't a choice at all. Others couldn't wait to get back to work.

There's no universal right or wrong or good or bad - it's exactly as you said - it's for the parents themselves to decide, what works for them.

By the way, neither you nor my sis (nor any of the other stay at home mom's I know) come anywhere close to fitting the '50s stereotypical 'housewife'!

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

I happen to think I'm a damn good mother and my daughter is all kinds of wonderful, but my way of doing things is not the only way, nor even the best. Why is it so hard for some people to realise this.

I don't know, but it baffles me. I mean, there's more than one way to do just about everything, and all kids are different, and all parents are different.... People are just incredibly bizarre.

[poolman.livejournal.com]

You thought Peg Bundy slaved away? ;)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Good point! Can you tell I never watched much TV?

(In fact, today was the most TV I've watched in a long time. The whole debate on Bladestarr's getting married thread about if Al was singing Queen or Muppets got me craving Muppets Take Manhatten for a review. Yes! Review! But it was something Toby could actually watch with me. And thus ends my irrelevant aside.)

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

By the way, neither you nor my sis (nor any of the other stay at home mom's I know) come anywhere close to fitting the '50s stereotypical 'housewife'!

If nothing else, I doubt the 50s ones read and wrote slash!!! :)

but it appears that the choice bit is only valid if you choose whatever it is that's being advocated - i.e. choose to work, choose to breastfeed, etc. - and then it's not about choice at all. And that is what pisses me off. I

Exactly. There's so many factors that come into parenting (whatever decision you make, be it to stay home or to nurse or to whatever), and because we're so concerned and worried already about if we're doing the best for our kids, it's hard NOT to listen when someone tells you you're not. I mean, I've felt more defensive about my choices in the past year than I have my entire life. I got a lot of people saying "WHY are you doing a degree in Fuel Science?" when I started, and it didn't bother me a bit. (Especially because the word 'emissions' tended to shut them up and convince them it had a future.) But while then I had no problem going about my own way, now I stop and recheck much more often. Which is fine... until I come up against someone who makes me feel like shit for chosing what I did.

I know I did let a few people down by staying home. My Mom was disappointed for quite a while, and I'm not convinced my advisor is over it. (I've noticed he doesn't answer my emails, even when I ask him a direct question.) I think my boss was a little saddened, as well, but he also knew he wasn't going to have the funding to keep me much longer, anyway. And it's NOT what I imagined when I started my degree. But who knows how life is going to turn out?

And that last sentence is the crux of it all. You just don't KNOW what you'd do in some situations until you get there. And even then you might change your mind!

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Thanks :) I can cook (I love cooking), but the cleaning happens only when the place is getting gross and the radiant only upon occaison. (Although I'd really like it if that one happened a bit more!) I think that's part of why I hate the word too!

[wickedevra.livejournal.com]

Word, word, word! I despise the 'housewife' label so much. It only works with 'desperate' in front of it. Once I had to fill out this survey thing, and when asked my occupation I explained that I was currently unemployed and looking for work. The guy wrote down "housewife". Colour me LIVID! If I'd been an out of work male that would not have happened.

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

We just can't win, can we? I guess the only thing to do is keep our heads down, ignore the labels, and continue to do what we truly believe is in the best interests of our families. Whether that be work outside the home or be a stay-at-home parent, or whatever.

(And whoever coined "housewife" should be shot. Unless we can call stay-at-home dads "househusbands.")

[sambethe.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you posted this, it is interesting to read peoples comments. I turn 30 this year and, while I have no children myself, many of my friends and other acquaintances have begun to have them and are struggling with similar issues.

As for why people seem so in a twist about women's choices, I'll add my .02. I think for some the need to villianize (for lack of a better word at the moment) others' choices serves as a means to make them feel better or reassure themelves about their own choices. There are so many options out there and it can, at times, be daunting trying to come to terms with what is best for you, your family, your children, etc. In addition, so much of the information 'experts' or others dispense can be contradictory. This makes it difficult for some to receive reassurance that what they are doing is right.

It is almost easier, or more reassuring, for some if everyone does it the same way. Then there is no question of what is 'right' or 'best', it can also eliminate a person's sense of self-doubt. This applies for more than just people's choices as a parent or a women. I think it comes up in so many lifestyle many choices surrounding different lifestyles.

I am by no means advocating that there should be one option. I believe quite the opposite. However, I can see how others might find the uniformity appealing.