FIC: A Lot to Live Up To (Part 7)
Jun. 11th, 2009 10:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lls_mutantIt's close enough to Friday, right? I think there are going to be three more chapters of this. Possibly four, but at least three. I know where I'm going, I just never know how long a section will take.
Title: A Lot to Live Up To, Part 7
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lls_mutant
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Dee and Hoshi
Pairings: Dee/Lee, Hoshi/Gaeta, and past Hoshi/Narcho.
Summary: Secrets have to come out sometime.
Spoilers: Eventually through the end, but this part just through The Woman King
Author's Note: Thanks to my awesome betatrovia!
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6
Dee woke up. Her head was swollen and sore, and her mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton. Not a good feeling. The world began to resolve a little more clearly, hearing coming back first.
"It's okay," someone said, and she could have sworn it was Felix's voice. "You all done? Whoops, guess not."
Unfortunately, the next thing she heard was the sound of vomiting. It wasn't her… she was fairly certain of that. She decided to pry her eyes open. When she did, Lee, not Felix, was sitting there, waiting. And she remembered where she was, and why she was here, and wished she was the one vomiting, because it seemed like a good idea now.
"Hey," Lee said, reaching out and taking her hand. "Welcome back."
That helped a little. "Hey," she said. "You're home."
"Yeah." He nodded, and she saw his eyes were tearing over. "I am." He glanced out of the little curtained cubicle. "Cottle told me what happened."
"Oh." Dee's heart twisted and she started to look away, but Lee cupped her cheek.
"I'm so sorry, Dee. I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you needed me."
Dee closed her eyes. "It wasn't your fault," she whispered, and it was true, it really wasn't. Even though he'd volunteered for that guard duty, if he'd known, he would have been back in a heartbeat. Dee knew that. She knew she should apologize for not letting Felix try to call him home, but the words wouldn't come. Lee's forehead was against hers, his fingers tight around her hand, but it didn't help.
Eventually, Lee drew away, but his fingers were still entwined with hers. "Cottle said," he began, and Dee could see just how much every word of this was hurting him, "Cottle said it was an ectopic pregnancy?" Dee nodded, and Lee exhaled heavily. "How far along?" he asked. "When did you find out? Was it…" he shook his head, his voice cutting off as tears choked his throat.
"A little over seven weeks," Dee answered. Her voice was clinical and cool. "I've wanted to tell you, but the right moment just never came up." She was careful not to sound accusing, because it really wasn't his fault. "I thought I'd have more time."
Lee wiped at his eyes with his free hand, nodding. "And the cyst?"
"Cyst?" Dee vaguely remembered Cottle saying something like that, but she couldn't remember the details. She shook her head. "I don't know anything about that."
Lee's hand tightened around hers. The gentle constriction made her remember the frantic, agonizing moments when she'd entered the sickbay, and Hoshi. She looked around, but there was nothing to see but the curtains of her own cubicle. She looked back at Lee.
"Lee?" she asked. "Was Hoshi here before I had surgery?"
"Hoshi?" Lee looked at her blankly. "I don't know, Dee. I got in after you were out of the surgery. But I-"
Lee was cut off by the curtain being parted, and Doc Cottle entering. "Good, you're awake," he said. "How are you feeling?"
"All right," Dee said cautiously.
"Well, that won't last long," Cottle said. He checked the machines and jotted down some numbers. "You've got a narcotic in your IV at the moment, but when that runs out, no more. We'll be able to give you some pain killers orally, but you're going to be stiff and sore for a few days." He pulled back the sheet and pulled up Dee's gown. "The good news is that we were able to resolve the ectopic pregnancy and remove the cyst."
"You mentioned it might be cancerous?" Lee asked.
"There's a small possibility, yes," Cottle allowed. "We're doing a biopsy, which will take another twenty four hours. But the majority of these sorts of cysts are benign, so I wouldn't lose too much sleep over that yet." Lee nodded. "More serious is the pregnancy. We had to do a salpingostomy, where we only removed the ectopic tissue and the cyst itself. As far as I can tell, it all looks okay. But we still want to keep a very close eye on you after this."
"What about future pregnancies?" Lee asked. Dee swallowed hard at that thought.
"There are risks, but nothing certain. When you're ready to try again, come talk to me and we'll do a thorough exam and discuss it then."
Lee nodded, like it was all very factual and dry. "And what happens now?"
"Now? It should take a couple hours to recover from the anesthesia. Since the procedure was lacroscopic, she'll be able to be on her feet today. However," Cottle said, and his bushy white brows met in the center of his forehead, "on your feet doesn't mean 'ready for duty', as half this crew seems to think it does. You need rest, and you need sleep," he ordered Dee. "I'm not in desperate need for your bed, so we'll keep you in here for the next forty eight hours, just to keep you off your feet. After that, we'll monitor your hGC levels to make sure they return to zero, and then we'll go from there. The physical recovery is relatively straightforward. And if you need help with the emotional recovery, we can work on setting something up." He stood back up.
Lee stood up as well, extending his hand. "Thank you, Doc," he said, shaking Cottle's hand firmly. Dee was silent, but Cottle didn't seem to expect her to speak. He nodded once more and then left, leaving them alone again.
"Well," Lee said, "that sounded like it was all good news." But Dee knew him well enough to know there was a false brightness in his voice. "I-"
"Dee? Oh, I'm sorry, Major."
Lee cut off and turned to see Felix poking his head in. "Hey, Gaeta," he said stiffly.
Felix realized he was interrupting. "I need to get back to my lab, but I just wanted to see how Dee was doing."
"I'm fine," Dee told him. "Cottle was just in here, all sweetness and light."
Felix snorted his disbelief. "Do they know what was wrong?"
"Paraovarian cyst," Dee said simply.
"Oh." He looked from Dee to Lee and then back again, and then smiled perfunctorily. "Well, I'll see you later, then." With a quick salute at Lee, he ducked back out.
"You didn't tell him about the pregnancy," Lee said.
"Now, or earlier?"
"Both."
Dee shook her head. Lee sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I assume my father doesn't know," he said.
"Of course not." Dee bit her lip.
"He wants to know if it's all right to visit," Lee said. She hesitated, because the idea of the Admiral coming here seemed… not right. Lee saw her hesitation. "He doesn't have to," he said hastily. "I'll make something up, keep him away for a while if you want."
"No," Dee said. "It's all right." She forced a smile. "I'll have to see him sometime, right?"
Lee patted her hand. "You look tired," he said. "Should I let you rest?"
"Stay," Dee begged. "At least until I fall asleep."
"I can do that." Lee's fingers laced through hers again, and comforted by their gentle pressure, Dee drifted back to sleep.
***
When she woke up again, Lee was gone and she felt considerably worse. Her head was pounding, her mouth was dry, and her abdomen was sore. It took her a moment to remember where she was and why she was here, and when she did, that cold sense of unreality flooded her again.
It was only a few minutes before Ishay came in. "How are you doing, Lieutenant?" she asked.
"Not so good," Dee admitted.
Ishay checked her watch. "We can give you some more pain meds in an hour," she said. "I imagine you really need the head."
Dee nodded, and Ishay came over and helped her sit up. "We'll do that, and then do your vitals," she said, "and then you can have some dinner."
"I'm not really hungry," Dee said.
"I imagine not, but that's okay, you're not getting real food," Ishay said with a smile. "Come on." She helped Dee to a sitting position, and then out of the bed. Walking was painful, but Ishay was firm. Once they were back to Dee's bed, Ishay said, "You also have a visitor, if you want one."
"Really?" Dee looked around the room. "Felix or Noel?"
"Neither. Louis Hoshi."
"Hoshi?"
"Do you not want to see him? I can tell him you need more rest."
Dee thought about it for a moment. "No," she said. "It's all right."
Ishay helped her sit in a chair, and took a few measurements. "I'll go get your dinner," she said as she left.
Dee eased herself back. The pain in her abdomen wasn't bad as long as she sat still, and her head was even starting to feel a little better. And when Ishay returned with a tray with a pitcher of water on it, Dee almost kissed her, even if Hoshi was close in tow.
She'd glimpsed him before the surgery, but his appearance hadn't really registered. Now that her mind was clearer, it did. He was wearing his tanks and a pair of sweatpants, and had an IV pole that he was pushing. He looked like he hadn't shaved in a week, and surprisingly, that flattered him. He smiled sheepishly at her as she stared at where the IV fed into his arm.
"I am so frakked, aren't I, sir?" he asked her, his smile twisting from sheepish to sardonic.
She snorted, recognizing what was essentially the first non-duty related words he'd ever spoken to her. "I guess so," she said.
"I won't stay long," he said, "but do you mind if I sit?"
"If you want," Dee said.
"Fifteen minutes, Louis," Ishay said. "And you can eat with Dee."
"I'm not-"
"It's broth. I want it gone, do you understand me? Don't give it to anyone else, don't switch your cup with another patient, and if I catch you dumping it into the head this time, so help me I'll tell Cottle that you took apart another heart monitor." But despite her stern tone, a smile toyed at the edge of Ishay's lips.
"I'll be good," he promised. "I'm really sorry," he said.
"Well, at least I got you to think about wasting food like that. I'll be back in fifteen minutes." Ishay moved on to another patient.
Dee took a sip of water. The cool, clear liquid was pure relief, and she drank thirstily. Hoshi watched her, fiddling with his spoon.
"I'm sorry," he finally said when Dee put the empty cup down and picked up her own spoon. "About the baby, I mean."
Dee didn't answer. Instead, she took a spoonful of the broth. It smelled and tasted extremely good, despite the fact it was several steps removed from any natural animal. "Are you going to eat yours?" she finally asked.
Hoshi looked down at his cup and wrinkled his nose. "It sounds like it, although I have absolutely no desire to. Everything I've eaten today has only come back up."
Dee looked at the IV again. She could spot the drug name on the bag, but cytarabine/daunorubicine meant nothing to her, and she couldn't think how to ask. Hoshi saw her looking, and sighed.
"Will you promise not to tell anyone?"
Dee nodded.
"Acute myeloid leukemia," he said. "Stage two."
"Oh. I'm sorry. How long-"
"Diagnosed nine days ago," Hoshi answered. He put the spoon down and just picked up the cup, sipping the broth. He winced. "I'll be done this round of chemo in a day. I appreciate it if you don't tell anyone. Anyone."
"It's not something to be ashamed of," Dee said.
"Of course not. But if people know I have cancer, they treat me like I'm dying."
"Well, it's cancer," Dee said.
"Exactly. I'm sick, not dying." Hoshi shrugged. "Cancer isn't incurable. I'll do my chemo, get better, have my life back for a few years, and then do it again." His voice was factual. "No need to make it into something more than it is."
There was something about his tone that brooked no argument, and Dee nodded, and then went back to her broth. "Does the Admiral know?"
"The Admiral, the Colonel, Felix and Noel, and now you. Probably Helo. That's it." Hoshi took another sip of his broth, and put it down very deliberately. "And what about you? Who knows you're in here?"
"Lee, you. Noel will probably figure it out, and I think the Admiral will as well. Felix. Probably Helo." She frowned, noticing suddenly that their lists were nearly identical. How had that happened? "If you could also…"
"Of course." He sat back in his chair. "I'm not quite sure of what I wanted to say," he admitted. "I just…" he grimaced, and shifted uncomfortably and paled. "You understood when we lost the Pegasus," he said in a rush. "I saw that. I guess I owed you."
"Thank you," Dee said quietly.
Hoshi stood up hastily. "I hate to leave so abruptly, but I'm going to throw up any minute, and I'd rather not do it on a post op patient. See you." He moved out of the cubicle, and less than a minute later Dee heard him vomiting. Judging by the low, reassuring voice an orderly or a nurse or doctor had caught up with him, but it seemed to go on for a long time.
Dee winced and went back to her soup. The vomiting ended, and the infirmary seemed quiet again. She focused on eating, and finished her broth just as Ishay returned.
"Is Hoshi all right?" she heard herself asking.
"He's fine," Ishay said comfortingly. "He's in bed now." She gathered the dishes together. "I see he didn't eat much." Dee shook her head. "It's been an hour," she told her. "You can have pain meds now. You might want a sleeping pill as well. Sleeping in the infirmary isn't easy."
"Thank you." Dee took the pills Ishay handed her.
"How are you doing emotionally, Dee?" Ishay asked, sitting down for a moment. "Do you need someone to talk to?"
"No, I… actually, I'm doing okay," Dee said, nodding. "I know it sounds strange, but I guess I just didn't have time to get used to the idea that I was even pregnant."
"Hmm." Ishay waited, and then nodded. "Well, if you change your mind, I'm more than willing to listen."
"Thank you."
Ishay helped her to the head and then back into bed. As she returned to her cubicle, she caught sight of the clock. It was 2200 hours. Forty eight hours ago she'd still been puzzling over how to tell Lee as he lay beside her. Twenty four hours ago she'd been laying down to sleep, worried but still happy. And six hours ago, she'd entered the infirmary for the last hour of her pregnancy. She stomped down on the thought and gratefully entered her own cubicle, easing into bed.
The pain meds helped, but the sleeping pill must have been especially powerful. Dee was asleep two minutes after her head hit the pillow.
***
Much to Dee's relief, Lee dropped off a few of her own clothes when he stopped by, so despite the fact she was confined to the infirmary, she at least didn't have to stay in the hospital gown. She was eating breakfast when Adama pushed the curtain aside, and impulsively, Dee glanced down to make sure she'd remembered to change. If nothing else, it was easier than looking at her father-in-law.
"How are you doing?" Adama asked.
"I'm all right, sir," Dee said. She shrugged, and then pulled in a deep breath as the motion tugged on her abdomen. "Sore."
"I imagine." Adama cleared his throat. They stared at each other awkwardly. "How long until you're back on your feet?" he finally asked.
"Doc says a few days," Dee answered, realizing that Adama was trying to restore some semblance of normalcy to the conversation. "I'm sorry I didn't finish my shift in CIC." She smiled awkwardly. "You're really down on officers here, aren't you?"
Adama chuckled. "You and Hoshi are going to owe Gaeta big when this is all over," he said. "I think the man is trying to do all three of your jobs at once." Adama leaned over and patted her hand. "You're not easy to replace, Dee. In fact, I'd say it's impossible."
There was such kindness in his eyes, that for the first time since she'd woken up Dee felt something in her crack. She hastily scrambled to hold it together, not wanting to break down in front of the Admiral. The last thing she wanted was for him to see her as weak, even now. Especially now. Instead, she managed a smile.
Adama returned the smile. "Cottle told me you need to walk some this morning," he said. "Would you like some company?" He extended his arm, and Dee eased herself up and took it. His arm was warm and solid, and he tucked his hands against her, squeezing one of them tightly.
"Were you ever able to sleep well in the infirmary, sir?" she asked as they began their slow progress.
He looked at her, almost amused. "Not really," he admitted. "Too much beeping, and they never turn out the lights. I take it that bothered you as well?"
"And they woke me up twice," Dee admitted. "Just to make sure I was still alive."
Adama laughed deep in his throat. As they passed, Dee managed to glance into one of the curtained off areas and caught sight of Hoshi. He was extremely pale, but he was sleeping, lying on his back, his hand up by his face. He looked younger asleep, without the stern expression that his face seemed to assume naturally. Adama followed her gaze and his good humor faded. "When you're out of here," he said simply, "I want you to help me train Specialist Gage on some of the CIC equipment."
"Yes, sir."
"Hopefully we won't need it, but I suspect that we will."
"Yes, sir."
Adama glanced at her from the corner of his eye. "Nine months from now, we would have needed another Communications Officer anyway." His hands tightened on hers again, the equivalent, Dee realized, of a hug.
And she told herself she felt nothing.
***
After Adama left, Dee sat in her chair, staring at the heart monitor that had been hooked to her during her surgery. It was dark and silent now, just waiting, measuring nothing.
Somehow, that felt poetic and appropriate.
***
The morning ticked by, each minute stretching into hours. Dee couldn't remember the last time she'd ever been this bored. Even on the Pegasus, there had always been something to do, even if it was just paperwork.
Cottle was right that her physical recovery wouldn't be extremely difficult. Dee had gone for two walks already around the infirmary. She was on her third when she saw Hoshi sitting up in his bed, playing both sides of a game of Cripple with a deck of cards.
"Imaginary friend?" she couldn't help asking.
He looked up, and moved his table. "Come play," he said. "Please."
"I'm beginning to think that Ishay wasn't joking about you taking apart a heart monitor," Dee said, sitting down into the chair that was next to Hoshi's bed.
"It was broken," Hoshi insisted. "It works fine now." He scooped the cards up and shuffled, and then deftly dealt them both a hand. "But I've got very explicit orders about leaving broken equipment the hell alone," he said, and Dee giggled as he lapsed into a reasonable impression of Cottle. Hoshi sighed. "I offered to help him fix anything else he's got down, or at least try."
"I'm surprised he didn't take you up on it," Dee said.
"He doesn't trust me not to pass out in the middle of the job right now," Hoshi confessed. "Maybe next week."
"I thought you said today was your last day of chemo?" Dee asked, trying to keep her tone light. She had no idea of exactly how comfortable Hoshi was discussing any of this.
"It is," he said. "Remission induction comes first, that usually takes a week. Then they'll give me a couple of weeks to recover. If I'm lucky, we go to consolidation. If I'm not, I get another round of remission induction." He drew a card, made a face and then discarded it. "I'll have an idea in a few days. Cottle mentioned I get to have a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow." He rolled his eyes. "Yay."
Dee couldn't help snickering at his dry, sarcastic tone. "I take it bone marrow biopsies aren't fun?"
Hoshi held his hands a foot and a half apart. "Swear to the Gods, the needles are this big." Dee giggled again, and he gave her a cock-eyed smile. "Sure, laugh now. But if you told me you get to have what amounts to salad tongs shoved up you tomorrow as someone pokes around inside you, I wouldn't laugh."
Dee winced at that one. "You sound like you're pretty well versed in all this."
"Yeah, well, this is my fourth go-around." She looked up in surprise, but Hoshi was studying the cards on the table, and she had the impression he was deliberately not meeting her eyes.
"It wasn't in your file," she began, and then remembered all the blocking out that Cain had done. "But then," she sighed, "nothing was in anyone's file, I guess."
"Admiral Cain downplayed it a lot for me anyway," Hoshi said. "Don't know how much you would have found."
Dee found herself wanting to ask more, but at the same time, this was Hoshi, the man who'd done his best to make her life a living hell for almost the entire year. And she couldn't imagine this was an easy topic to talk about. She nodded, and then turned her attention back to the game.
Neither of them said much more for two hands, talking only for what the game required. Although one of the curtains was pushed open to allow some access into the area, the other two were still shut, closing them in. It felt cozy, and Dee had the oddest feeling of wishing she could hear rain as they played.
"Want to start betting?" Hoshi asked, as they finished up the hand.
"We don't have anything to bet."
"I'll keep track," Hoshi said. "Math soothes me."
"All right."
An hour later, Dee owed Hoshi fifty six cubits. "You count cards, don't you?" she asked.
"Yeah," he said, laying down his hand. "Like I said, numbers… they keep my mind busy."
"I want to watch you and Felix play sometime."
Hoshi grinned wolfishly. "It's not pretty."
"I'm sure. That's exactly why I want to watch."
"How did you meet Felix, anyway?" Hoshi asked, picking up the cards and idly shuffling them.
"Nothing special," Dee admitted. "We were assigned to the Galactica around the same time. We both work in the CIC. It's really kind of boring." She cocked her head. "I know how you met Felix, but how did you meet Noel?"
Hoshi smiled. "I was just coming back on to the Pegasus," he said. "I was just getting off a rotation where I was on a desk job for a year after I'd had…" he jerked his head at the IV, and Dee nodded. "Anyway, we came up at the same time. I remember watching him in the Raptor. He was the new hot shot pilot, and I really thought I didn't have a chance in hell, but for some reason he kept talking to me." Hoshi shrugged. "I hadn't ever had a lot of relationships. Between my own stellar good looks and the cancer," he grinned self-deprecatingly, "it just never really happened. But I fell hard for Noel." He shrugged. "The Admiral and Jurgen teased me about it for months."
"Why did it end?" Dee asked.
She could see Hoshi retreating. His smile faded, and the warmth left his eyes. "I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I didn't mean to overstep." He stared at her for a long moment, and she realized that he was surprised she had apologized.
"It's all right," he said finally. "I think we've completely exhausted Cripple. Want to play Go Fish?"
"Sounds good, because I don't think I have any more cubits for you to win off me," Dee said, taking the hint. He dealt, and she smiled brightly. "Do you have a five?"
***
Go fish. Do you have a seven? Bitch, but good natured. Do you have a two? Go fish.
There was a rhythm to the simple child's game, steady and droning. They played on and on, with no conversation, just the game. Dee didn't mind.
She kept stealing glances at Hoshi, covertly at first and then more openly as she realized he wasn't noticing. In the year she'd worked with him, she'd never really seen him smile at her like this, and never really heard him laugh this way. It meant nothing, she told herself. When they both got out of the infirmary- provided he didn't die- it would all be back to normal. Because nothing changed in seventy two hours. Three days couldn't change two lives. Well, it could. But this wasn't the attacks and it wasn't the Cylons.
Three days didn't change anything, and she was still the same Dee she'd been before she'd entered the infirmary, just not pregnant. And really, considering how early it was, that was barely a change at all.
Do you have a three? Go fish.
***
"Lieutenant Hoshi?" Ishay entered the little cubicle, pushing a cart. "I've got your lunch." Ishay moved around Dee and began to change the drip bag on Hoshi's IV.
"Last one," she told him, and he smiled up at her. "How are you feeling today?"
"A bit better than yesterday."
"Are you going to eat for me?"
"Not that much better than yesterday."
Ishay's eyes narrowed. "Lieutenant, do we need to talk?"
Hoshi looked down at the cards, flipping them back into action. "Should I deal you in, Layne?" he asked.
Ishay sighed irritably. "Dee, I'm going to have to chase you out right now. It looks like Lieutenant Hoshi and I need to have a serious discussion. Besides, you have a visitor anyway. Your husband is here."
Dee nodded and stood up. Hoshi sullenly studied the cards in front of him. "Good luck," she told Ishay. "After working with him on the Pegasus, I can't imagine that he's the most cooperative patient."
Hoshi stuck his tongue out at her as she retreated, and Dee snickered.
She made her way back to her own cubicle, where Lee stood waiting for her. He looked so confident and easy in his duty blues, and he smiled at Dee's slow progress.
"You look a lot better today," he said. He gestured for her to enter the cubicle first. "Ishay left us lunch." Dee smiled up at him as she moved past him, and then sat down. Ishay had indeed left a tray, with a much thicker soup and some bread for Dee, and a proper meal for Lee. Dee sat down, staring at it for a long moment.
"Dad said you were up and walking," Lee said, sitting down across from her. He picked up his napkin and spread it neatly across his lap, like they were in a restaurant. "You're doing better today?"
"Aside from owing Hoshi an insane number of cubits I don't have, I'm doing all right," Dee said. "Cottle's been giving me pain meds, and I'm walking fine."
"That's good. You look… good." He chewed slowly, and held his silverware formally. "But how are you really doing?"
Dee blinked. "I just told you I'm doing all right. I wasn't lying."
"Not that way," Lee said, staring down at his plate and stabbing his food with a little more force than necessary. "I mean, with the baby."
Dee swallowed, and studied Lee closely. His eyes were fixed on his food, but his hand shook slightly and there was a set about his shoulders that Dee recognized. He was worried, he was sad, he was uncertain of what to say and how to handle the situation. She remembered that downward spiral on the Pegasus. Whatever she did, she couldn't let Lee go there again. She took a deep breath.
"I'm doing all right," she said. "I only knew for a week or so, and it's not like we were trying." Lee nodded. "I hadn't really even adjusted to the idea I was pregnant, and now…" she looked back down at her food. "I guess I'm handling it okay." Lee smiled, but his smile was off. Dee had seen it before, when he was faced with a problem he couldn't figure out. "How are you doing?" she asked him.
"Well, like you said, I hadn't really adjusted to it. I only found out you were pregnant when you weren't anymore." He smiled again to take the sting from his words. "I wish…." He drifted off, looking away at something outside their little cubicle, and then shook his head. "You know, we'll be able to try again, and do you realize our baby could be born on Earth?"
Dee's throat closed, and she nodded.
Lee chuckled. "Can you imagine that? I mean, I have no idea of what Earth will be like, but our baby being able to see the sky and breathe fresh air and never, ever have to set foot on a space ship if he or she doesn't want to. And we'll be able to give him or her… I don't even know. But more than we can give them now." His hand was by his chin, and his eyes were wet. Dee watched him, her heart breaking. For a long moment, the cubicle felt tiny and warm and intimate. Lee picked up her hand, holding it to his face, and met her eyes.
And then something happened. Something in her face, something in her posture… something in her made him pull away. That open grief and hope retreated from his face, and he was once again strong, heroic Apollo. "I'm sorry, Dee. I shouldn't be putting you through this. You're the one who's still trying to recuperate, and I… I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she said, a little baffled.
He wiped at his eyes and sniffed, sealing up the facade. "I suppose, in many ways, it's for the best," he said lamely. "We can't… never mind."
It's for the best. She acknowledged the words as good, common sense. Because if it was for the best she could… she didn't have to…. If it was for the best there was no grief, no regret, no heartbreak. If it was for the best she could be strong.
"You're right," she heard herself saying. "Maybe it's for the best."
He smiled at her, and his smile was full of pride. But the closeness had evaporated a little, and somehow, even though it's for the best seemed like the right thing to say, Dee knew it couldn't be more wrong.
***
She was sitting alone on her bed, wondering if the baby had been a boy or a girl, when Cottle came in. "I have some good news," he said. "The cyst was benign."
Dee nodded. "It's funny, isn't it?" she said abstractly. "I keep forgetting that there even was one."
Cottle studied her. "Well, it wasn't anything to be too worried about," he said. "But still…."
Dee shrugged.
"Should I get Ishay?"
"No. No, I'm fine."
***
"So his wife says, 'Well, maybe you should try thawing the chicken first!'" Noel and Felix exploded into laughter, and Dee had to whack Hoshi.
"Don't make me laugh like that," she gasped. "My stomach can't take it."
"I'm sorry, but really. You do meet the worst idiots in desk jobs." Hoshi rearranged his hand.
"Tell them about the one about the guy who tried to use paper on an CIT projector," Noel said. "That one's a classic."
"There are still functional CIT projectors?" Felix asked, and Noel laughed.
"All right, that's enough." Cottle broke them up. "I've been lenient with the visiting hours, but it's an hour past, you four are starting to disturb the other patients, and both Lieutenant Hoshi and Lieutenant Dualla should be sleeping."
"We could deal you in, Doc," Noel tried.
For a moment, Cottle actually looked tempted. But then he firmed up again. "Go on now, all of you. Get to where you're supposed to be."
Noel stood up and extended his arm to Dee, glancing significantly at Felix and Hoshi. "My lady," he said gallantly, "would you permit me to escort you to your quarters?"
Dee giggled, but as she stood up, she found she was grateful for Noel's support. "Good night," she said, trying to curtsey at Felix and Hoshi. She leaned on Noel, and they made their slow progress.
"You'll be there tomorrow?" she heard Hoshi say as they left.
"As soon as I'm off duty," Felix answered. "1600 hours, right? I'll get Thorton to cover for me."
"Thanks."
Noel helped her to the head, and then back to her cubicle in silence. But when they approached her bed, he asked "I didn't want to ask you in front of the others, but… what happened?"
Dee waited until they entered her cubicle and she sat down on her bed before she answered. "The pregnancy was ectopic,"
Noel's face crumpled in sympathy. "Oh, frak. Frak, Dee, I'm sorry. I figured something had happened, but…" he hesitated awkwardly. "Are you okay?"
He looked uncomfortable, uncertain of what to say. Dee didn't blame him. "Sure," she said.
"Does Lee…?"
She nodded. "Yeah. Felix got him back from that tylium mission before I woke up." She laughed hollowly. "He says maybe it's for the best."
Noel shrugged awkwardly. "Good attitude to have, I guess."
That hurt, in ways Dee wasn't ready to express. But she remembered fighting with Noel before Lee left, and right now she didn't want to go back there. So she changed the subject. "Hey," she said suddenly, "was this what your problem was when Lee was upset with your flying? Louis being sick?"
"Yeah," Noel said with a sigh.
"He says he's not dying."
"And he's probably right." Noel shrugged. "It's hard to believe it when he says he'll be fine."
They sat in silence for a few moments, until Ishay came in. She did a couple of quick checks and gave Dee her medication, and then said goodnight, although Dee noticed with amusement that she cast Noel a sly, interested glance as she left. Noel was oblivious. Dee sat back and yawned hugely. "Sorry," she said. "I didn't think a day of doing nothing could be so exhausting."
Noel smiled. "I'll let you get some sleep," he said. He watched as she lay down, and then kissed her forehead gently. "I'll see you soon, all right?"
"All right." Dee watched him go, and soon she heard him catching up with Felix. Their voices sounded happy, alive, and as they drifted away together, she envied them.
The infirmary had settled down, but she still heard people moving about, machines beeping. Like Adama had said, they never turned the lights out, and she couldn't get comfortable on the bed. The pain meds hadn't kicked in yet, and now that her mind wasn't occupied she was aware of the discomfort in her abdomen. And somewhere, under it all, she suspected her heart was breaking.
She lay on her back and stared at the ceiling until sleep finally came.
***
"We could try replacing the circuit board."
"The problem is there's nothing to replace it with," Dee said, studying the diagram spread out in front of them.
Hoshi rubbed his forehead. "Right." He traced over the symbols. "What if we-" There were footsteps outside the cubicle, and a laugh as the curtain was pulled aside. Both of them snapped to attention, and Hoshi folded the diagrams. As he registered the visitors, he paled.
"Dr. Cottle," he said, confusion in his voice. "Dr. Robert."
"Lieutenant. Nice to see you again, although it's a shame it's under these circumstances." Dr. Robert consulted the chart in his hand. "Although I suspect you're not happy to see me."
Hoshi looked frantically at Cottle, who was standing easily at the doctor's side. "Sir? My biopsy isn't until 1600 hours, and I thought-"
"Dr. Robert came over on the early shuttle," Cottle said.
"But… it's not… Felix said…" Hoshi swallowed hard, and then composed himself. "I'm sorry. I was just taken by surprise. Is there any chance we can wait until later in the day?"
"My shuttle leaves at 1400 hours," Dr. Robert said, "and I've got a surgery back on the Prometheus after that. I can't delay it. And you can't come over to me this time- you're on the no-fly list until you're in remission."
"If you wait until 1600 hours, you're going to be my first attempt at a bone marrow biopsy," Cottle said. "Is that what you want?"
"No. It's…" Hoshi took a deep breath and smiled. "It's fine. I'm sorry, sir."
Dr. Robert looked at Dee. "We're short a few medics. Can you help us hold him down?"
"She's post-op, forget it," Cottle said before Dee could agree to it. "I just finished the Admiral's physical. He said he'd give us a hand as soon as he had his uniform back on."
"Okay, then." Dr. Robert looked down at Hoshi. "Do you need the head before we begin?"
Hoshi nodded and slipped out of bed. Dee stood as well, but when she did, Hoshi turned and faced her. "Would you mind staying?" he asked. "I just really need-"
"It's fine, Hoshi," she said. "I'll be here."
"Thank you."
Adama was the first one to enter the room, as Dr. Robert was fussing with the equipment on a tray. He smiled at Dee, and then stepped to the other side of the empty bed to talk to the doctors. Dee heard Cottle giving him instructions in a low, gravelly voice.
The curtains parted again and Hoshi reentered. He'd changed out of his sweats and tanks and put on a hospital gown, and apparently had no underwear on underneath as he was awkwardly trying to hold the gown closed in the back. He glanced at the three men and then at Dee, and then self consciously climbed into the bed, lying on his side and facing Dee.
"I'm going to take a few moments to feel around for the site I want to use," Dr. Robert said, addressing Adama and Cottle. Cottle nodded, watching intently. Hoshi flinched, but didn't say anything as the doctor began to press on his hip bone.
"What do you want me to do?" she asked Hoshi. He swallowed, and then reached out tentatively. Dee realized what he wanted, and immediately took his hand in hers. "Okay," she said. "What else?"
"Just… I need to talk. Keep me talking. It keeps my mind off it, and if I don't think about it it's a lot easier."
"All right." But it wasn't easy. Dee cast around frantically for a topic of conversation, but kept coming up dry. "Should we keep discussing the communications console?" she asked.
"No. Nothing that technical- I can't concentrate on the details."
Dee chewed her lip, casting about for another topic. "You said this is your fourth time going through chemo," she said. "Is that why you're still a lieutenant?"
Hoshi nodded. "Did a lot of tours planetside at desk jobs after chemo treatments."
"How old were you?"
"Thirty-five the last time, twenty-nine the time before that, and seventeen the first time."
Dr. Robert interrupted, leaning over to address Hoshi as directly as possible. " I found the spot. I'm going to clean it."
Hoshi nodded. "Keep talking," he whispered at her. "Don't watch it."
"All right. Which one was the worst?"
"When I was seventeen. It was stage four that time, and I was largely alone."
The pieces came together. "That's why you left Sagittaron? You said you left when you were seventeen."
Hoshi winced as Dr. Robert injected an anesthetic into his hip. "Yeah, it was."
"Okay, I-"
"What the frak is that?" she heard Adama say softly.
Dr. Robert had picked up another syringe. It was huge- about two inches in diameter and over a foot long. It looked like a prop bad comedians would use. "This," Dr. Robert said, "is the syringe we use for the bone marrow aspiration. That one," he pointed to one that Dee couldn't see but made Adama's eyes widen, "is for the actual bone marrow sampling. What we need to do is put the needle through the hip and into the center of the bone. The aspiration takes a liquid sample, and then we actually take a sample of the marrow for analysis."
Adama nodded.
"Lieutenant," Dr. Robert said, "you know how this goes. I need you to curl up as tight as you possibly can." Hoshi nodded and obeyed, curling himself into a small ball. "That’s good. Now push your hip out… good. Cottle, you hold his legs, and Adama, you brace his shoulders. Lieutenant Hoshi is fairly good about staying still, but sometimes…" he gave Dee a small smile. "This is not an easy procedure. All right?"
Hoshi took a deep, quavering breath, and then another. "Ready," he told Dr. Robert, but the mute plea he gave Dee was desperate and terrified.
"Keep going," he begged her. "I can't think."
Dee realized suddenly that she had never seen Hoshi actually afraid before, and it was rather chilling. It froze her mind, and she shook her head, especially as Dr. Robert lifted the long needle. "I… I…"
"Tell us about leaving Sagittaron," Adama jumped in, helping Dee out. "Were you headed for the Academy?"
Hoshi shook his head. "Not at all. My family was farmers. My parents were true believers. So was everyone we lived near. Small community." He was staring fixedly at Dee's face as he talked, and Dee kept her eyes on his. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Dr. Robert probing again with his fingers. "I was sixteen the first time I fainted, but it was hot and I was out in the field. I fainted five more times before I cut myself on the combine, and we couldn't get it to stop bleeding."
Dr. Robert said something softly to Cottle, and Dee was vaguely aware that Cottle answered in deep, rumbling tones. Hoshi swallowed hard.
"They actually took me to a doctor in Edessa. Under cover of night, to the shame of the neighbors, the whole nine yards. I think that maybe if it was something easy to fix, they might have done it. But they told us leukemia, and my mother just started crying. She-" his hand convulsed on Dee's, and involuntarily, Dee looked to see Dr. Robert inserting the needle deep into Hoshi's hip. Her stomach churned at the sight of it, and she hastily returned her gaze back to Hoshi's face.
He didn't seem to have noticed. "She gave me up for dead," he continued, his voice a monotone, "right then and there. The doctor told us I'd have a forty to sixty percent chance of making it with chemotherapy, and I'd be dead by the end of the year if we did nothing. My father didn't say a word for the whole drive home, but when we got there, he took me out for a long walk, and talked for a long time about the afterlife and destiny and how we all have our time. And all I could think was that if the Gods actually gave a frak about my destiny, they wouldn't have stuck me on the rock I was on. At the end, I asked him if they were going to treat me, and he said they couldn't condemn my soul to burn in hell, and as hard as this was for them, the alternative was worse."
"I'm in," Dr. Robert said. "This is the aspiration. Admiral, make sure you've got a strong hold; this hurts." Adama nodded, firming up his hold.
"So I got what money I could together and…" Hoshi broke off, and he squeezed Dee's hand so tightly that she almost cried out herself. "I ran," he finished, his voice cracking. "I ran to Gemenon, because I figured they'd be the most sympathetic to a Sagittaron. But I didn't know how much a specialist cost and I…" he closed his eyes, and his face contorted. But he kept his body completely still, and he didn't cry out. "But I had no idea what a specialist cost, or how hard it was to get an appointment with one without a referral."
Dr. Robert removed the syringe, but Hoshi didn't relax at all. And when Dee saw him pick up the bigger syringe, she understood exactly why. "The aspiration is done, Lieutenant," Dr. Robert said. "You're doing well."
Hoshi renewed his grip on Dee's hand. "What did I just say?" he asked.
"You didn't know how much it would cost."
"Oh. Right. Anyway, I kept trying to get appointments, but I went about it all wrong, going to hospitals and begging to see doctors. None of the offices really took me seriously, especially because by that time I was looking worse for the wear. Eventually I met up with Jurgen. He tried to get me to go to a temple, one that specializes in outreach and helping troubled youth, but I was afraid they'd send me right back to Sagittaron." His hand tightened again, but judging by the expression on his face this part was not as painful as the last, despite the fact that the needle was bigger. "He worked some sort of deal, got me into the military. Cain helped. I had to serve after I was done the treatments. I eventually got into the Academy, so it was better than anything I would have ever had on Sagittaron. It worked out."
Dr. Robert removed the syringe, and handed it to Cottle. "Lieutenant Hoshi? We're done. I need you to stay like you are until we can get the bleeding stopped and site cleaned and bandaged, but it's over. The worst is over. Admiral? You can let go."
Adama pulled back, and when Dee looked at him, she thought he looked like she felt, pale and sick. His hands lingered on Hoshi's shoulders, gentle and fatherly, before he completely stepped away from the bed. Hoshi kept a tight hold on Dee's hand, and she squeezed back, not letting go.
Cottle broke the silence first. "I'll take these samples over to the med lab for analysis," he said. "When I have the results, we'll discuss them." Hoshi nodded, and Cottle glanced over at Adama. "You said you needed to discuss the state of our medical supplies today as well?"
"Yes, Major. Dr. Robert, if you'll join us once you're done here, I'd like to take you to see Saul Tigh. Maybe you can talk some sense into him."
Dr. Robert nodded grimly. "I'll be there in a moment."
Adama touched Hoshi's shoulder again, and then left with Cottle.
Dr. Robert cleared his throat. He deftly bandaged the site, and then gave another small smile. "You can relax now, Lieutenant. You did extremely well." Hoshi nodded, but didn't really move. Dr. Robert slipped out, and Dee was alone with Hoshi.
"Hoshi?" She whispered. "I-"
"Are they gone?"
"They're gone," Dee said.
"Good." Hoshi extended his legs, and now that they were alone, she could feel him starting to tremble. It began in his hands and spread throughout his body. His one hand stayed clasped in hers, but the other covered his face as he shook. Dee covered their joined hands with her free one, staring at the image that seemed so familiar to her, and yet so different.
It wasn't until then that she realized Hoshi was crying.
It was quiet, but it shook his body and Dee wasn't sure what to do. If she'd gone through what he'd just taken, she'd be doing the same thing, but she had no idea how to approach it.
"It's okay," she whispered to him. "You're not alone. I'm here." And as the words left her mouth, it occurred to her that she meant it. "Louis, I'm here."
She wasn't aware that she was crying herself until the tears dripped onto her hands. She moved her top hand and tentatively touched his hair. When he didn't jerk back or yell at her to frak off, she stroked it gently, the short strands soft under her fingers.
She heard footsteps, and touched him more firmly. "Someone's coming," she said, wiping her face.
Hoshi took a deep breath and got himself under control, and then flipped over onto his back, wiping his own cheeks. He tried to wipe at his nose, realized he only had his bare hand, and made a face. Dee started to giggle as she hunted around for something more appropriate. He smiled, too, and then hiccuped. They stared at each other, and the shocked expression on his face was so comical that Dee couldn't help laughing.
"It's not funny," he said indignantly, and then hiccuped again. By the time the curtains pushed aside, they were both laughing.
"Do I even want to know?" Cottle asked.
Hoshi hiccuped, and they both doubled over in laughter.
***
"And so, Goddess Athena, we lift to you this prayer. We pray for those who are suffering, those who are grieving, those who are mourning. We pray for those in pain, that you may ease their burden. We pray for those struggling on, for each other, for ourselves. Help us Athena, in this our hour of need. So say we all."
"So say we all."
Hoshi was listening to the wireless, head bowed, when Dee was coming back from the infirmary shower. The service was a Sagittaron one, she realized. "Are you feeling better?"
Hoshi looked up and snapped off the wireless. "A bit." He studied her. "Do you go to services?"
"I did for a little while. I promised my parents… but after the attacks…" Dee shrugged.
Hoshi nodded and reached over and turned the wireless back on. "Sit with me," he said, and Dee wasn't sure if it was a request or an order. But she obeyed.
They listened together in silence, and Dee used the time to take a better look at Hoshi. He'd lost weight since she'd last seen him in the CIC, she realized, although it wasn't drastic. Judging by the smell of soap, he'd showered after the biopsy. He still hadn't shaved, but Dee noticed that his beard was coming in well and his hair looked the same as when he'd cropped it close. "I thought cancer patients usually lost their hair," she said.
"Not always, and not immediately," Hoshi said. "You used to pass notes during sermons, didn't you?"
"Yes."
He grinned. "Figured." But he pointedly lapsed back into silence, listening to the speaker. Dee took the hint and did the same.
The priestess was talking about the fragility of life and the world beyond. The world Hoshi's father had explained to a child he thought he couldn't help. The glory of the afterlife, where souls rested. And suddenly, Dee was hit with the image of her baby there, crawling in a garden, a chubby hand reaching towards a flower.
It was ridiculous, she knew that, and yet it wouldn't leave her alone.
"What did he look like?" she heard herself asking. "Your father?"
"My father?" Hoshi asked, his brows knitting together in surprise. "Pretty much exactly like me."
The baby's hand was intercepted by a hand with long, thin fingers, and she could see the protector clearly. Grayer than his son, with longer hair and a worn flannel shirt and tanned face. He picked the baby up, cuddling it close, pointing to a bird that flew by.
"He didn't protect you. He couldn't protect you. He wanted to, but he had to let you go, because he believed…" Dee found herself wiping at her streaming eyes. "He had to let his child go."
Hoshi's eyes lit with comprehension. "You're not like my father. You truly had no choice."
"I never said I was. I just… he lost his baby."
"There's a difference," Hoshi said gently. "You lost your baby."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"
Hoshi sighed heavily, and scooted over until he could pull her into his arms. "Don't talk," he ordered her, rubbing her arm gently. "Just cry."
It was impossible not to obey, and Dee cried against him until her ribs and her abdomen hurt and her body felt heavy. Somehow she ended up on his bed, curled against him like a child, sobbing like her heart was broken.
She finally had to stop, not because she felt any better, but because her body just wouldn't take any more. He was watching her, his own eyes red and swollen.
"Do you feel better?" he asked.
Dee shook her head.
"Can't say I blame you. Crying never helped me, either. It's just something I do when I can't do anything else." He guided her down so they were lying more comfortably on the bed, both on their sides, facing each other. His lips quirked up, and he draped his arm over her. "I don't know about you," he murmured, "but I'll take the Cylons over this morning any day of the week."
She nodded, closing her eyes. And when she did, they stayed shut. She drifted off to sleep under the warmth of Hoshi's arm, his warm breath even and gentle on her neck as he nodded off as well.
On to Part 8
Title: A Lot to Live Up To, Part 7
Author:
lls_mutantRating: PG-13
Characters: Dee and Hoshi
Pairings: Dee/Lee, Hoshi/Gaeta, and past Hoshi/Narcho.
Summary: Secrets have to come out sometime.
Spoilers: Eventually through the end, but this part just through The Woman King
Author's Note: Thanks to my awesome beta
trovia!Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6
Dee woke up. Her head was swollen and sore, and her mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton. Not a good feeling. The world began to resolve a little more clearly, hearing coming back first.
"It's okay," someone said, and she could have sworn it was Felix's voice. "You all done? Whoops, guess not."
Unfortunately, the next thing she heard was the sound of vomiting. It wasn't her… she was fairly certain of that. She decided to pry her eyes open. When she did, Lee, not Felix, was sitting there, waiting. And she remembered where she was, and why she was here, and wished she was the one vomiting, because it seemed like a good idea now.
"Hey," Lee said, reaching out and taking her hand. "Welcome back."
That helped a little. "Hey," she said. "You're home."
"Yeah." He nodded, and she saw his eyes were tearing over. "I am." He glanced out of the little curtained cubicle. "Cottle told me what happened."
"Oh." Dee's heart twisted and she started to look away, but Lee cupped her cheek.
"I'm so sorry, Dee. I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you needed me."
Dee closed her eyes. "It wasn't your fault," she whispered, and it was true, it really wasn't. Even though he'd volunteered for that guard duty, if he'd known, he would have been back in a heartbeat. Dee knew that. She knew she should apologize for not letting Felix try to call him home, but the words wouldn't come. Lee's forehead was against hers, his fingers tight around her hand, but it didn't help.
Eventually, Lee drew away, but his fingers were still entwined with hers. "Cottle said," he began, and Dee could see just how much every word of this was hurting him, "Cottle said it was an ectopic pregnancy?" Dee nodded, and Lee exhaled heavily. "How far along?" he asked. "When did you find out? Was it…" he shook his head, his voice cutting off as tears choked his throat.
"A little over seven weeks," Dee answered. Her voice was clinical and cool. "I've wanted to tell you, but the right moment just never came up." She was careful not to sound accusing, because it really wasn't his fault. "I thought I'd have more time."
Lee wiped at his eyes with his free hand, nodding. "And the cyst?"
"Cyst?" Dee vaguely remembered Cottle saying something like that, but she couldn't remember the details. She shook her head. "I don't know anything about that."
Lee's hand tightened around hers. The gentle constriction made her remember the frantic, agonizing moments when she'd entered the sickbay, and Hoshi. She looked around, but there was nothing to see but the curtains of her own cubicle. She looked back at Lee.
"Lee?" she asked. "Was Hoshi here before I had surgery?"
"Hoshi?" Lee looked at her blankly. "I don't know, Dee. I got in after you were out of the surgery. But I-"
Lee was cut off by the curtain being parted, and Doc Cottle entering. "Good, you're awake," he said. "How are you feeling?"
"All right," Dee said cautiously.
"Well, that won't last long," Cottle said. He checked the machines and jotted down some numbers. "You've got a narcotic in your IV at the moment, but when that runs out, no more. We'll be able to give you some pain killers orally, but you're going to be stiff and sore for a few days." He pulled back the sheet and pulled up Dee's gown. "The good news is that we were able to resolve the ectopic pregnancy and remove the cyst."
"You mentioned it might be cancerous?" Lee asked.
"There's a small possibility, yes," Cottle allowed. "We're doing a biopsy, which will take another twenty four hours. But the majority of these sorts of cysts are benign, so I wouldn't lose too much sleep over that yet." Lee nodded. "More serious is the pregnancy. We had to do a salpingostomy, where we only removed the ectopic tissue and the cyst itself. As far as I can tell, it all looks okay. But we still want to keep a very close eye on you after this."
"What about future pregnancies?" Lee asked. Dee swallowed hard at that thought.
"There are risks, but nothing certain. When you're ready to try again, come talk to me and we'll do a thorough exam and discuss it then."
Lee nodded, like it was all very factual and dry. "And what happens now?"
"Now? It should take a couple hours to recover from the anesthesia. Since the procedure was lacroscopic, she'll be able to be on her feet today. However," Cottle said, and his bushy white brows met in the center of his forehead, "on your feet doesn't mean 'ready for duty', as half this crew seems to think it does. You need rest, and you need sleep," he ordered Dee. "I'm not in desperate need for your bed, so we'll keep you in here for the next forty eight hours, just to keep you off your feet. After that, we'll monitor your hGC levels to make sure they return to zero, and then we'll go from there. The physical recovery is relatively straightforward. And if you need help with the emotional recovery, we can work on setting something up." He stood back up.
Lee stood up as well, extending his hand. "Thank you, Doc," he said, shaking Cottle's hand firmly. Dee was silent, but Cottle didn't seem to expect her to speak. He nodded once more and then left, leaving them alone again.
"Well," Lee said, "that sounded like it was all good news." But Dee knew him well enough to know there was a false brightness in his voice. "I-"
"Dee? Oh, I'm sorry, Major."
Lee cut off and turned to see Felix poking his head in. "Hey, Gaeta," he said stiffly.
Felix realized he was interrupting. "I need to get back to my lab, but I just wanted to see how Dee was doing."
"I'm fine," Dee told him. "Cottle was just in here, all sweetness and light."
Felix snorted his disbelief. "Do they know what was wrong?"
"Paraovarian cyst," Dee said simply.
"Oh." He looked from Dee to Lee and then back again, and then smiled perfunctorily. "Well, I'll see you later, then." With a quick salute at Lee, he ducked back out.
"You didn't tell him about the pregnancy," Lee said.
"Now, or earlier?"
"Both."
Dee shook her head. Lee sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I assume my father doesn't know," he said.
"Of course not." Dee bit her lip.
"He wants to know if it's all right to visit," Lee said. She hesitated, because the idea of the Admiral coming here seemed… not right. Lee saw her hesitation. "He doesn't have to," he said hastily. "I'll make something up, keep him away for a while if you want."
"No," Dee said. "It's all right." She forced a smile. "I'll have to see him sometime, right?"
Lee patted her hand. "You look tired," he said. "Should I let you rest?"
"Stay," Dee begged. "At least until I fall asleep."
"I can do that." Lee's fingers laced through hers again, and comforted by their gentle pressure, Dee drifted back to sleep.
***
When she woke up again, Lee was gone and she felt considerably worse. Her head was pounding, her mouth was dry, and her abdomen was sore. It took her a moment to remember where she was and why she was here, and when she did, that cold sense of unreality flooded her again.
It was only a few minutes before Ishay came in. "How are you doing, Lieutenant?" she asked.
"Not so good," Dee admitted.
Ishay checked her watch. "We can give you some more pain meds in an hour," she said. "I imagine you really need the head."
Dee nodded, and Ishay came over and helped her sit up. "We'll do that, and then do your vitals," she said, "and then you can have some dinner."
"I'm not really hungry," Dee said.
"I imagine not, but that's okay, you're not getting real food," Ishay said with a smile. "Come on." She helped Dee to a sitting position, and then out of the bed. Walking was painful, but Ishay was firm. Once they were back to Dee's bed, Ishay said, "You also have a visitor, if you want one."
"Really?" Dee looked around the room. "Felix or Noel?"
"Neither. Louis Hoshi."
"Hoshi?"
"Do you not want to see him? I can tell him you need more rest."
Dee thought about it for a moment. "No," she said. "It's all right."
Ishay helped her sit in a chair, and took a few measurements. "I'll go get your dinner," she said as she left.
Dee eased herself back. The pain in her abdomen wasn't bad as long as she sat still, and her head was even starting to feel a little better. And when Ishay returned with a tray with a pitcher of water on it, Dee almost kissed her, even if Hoshi was close in tow.
She'd glimpsed him before the surgery, but his appearance hadn't really registered. Now that her mind was clearer, it did. He was wearing his tanks and a pair of sweatpants, and had an IV pole that he was pushing. He looked like he hadn't shaved in a week, and surprisingly, that flattered him. He smiled sheepishly at her as she stared at where the IV fed into his arm.
"I am so frakked, aren't I, sir?" he asked her, his smile twisting from sheepish to sardonic.
She snorted, recognizing what was essentially the first non-duty related words he'd ever spoken to her. "I guess so," she said.
"I won't stay long," he said, "but do you mind if I sit?"
"If you want," Dee said.
"Fifteen minutes, Louis," Ishay said. "And you can eat with Dee."
"I'm not-"
"It's broth. I want it gone, do you understand me? Don't give it to anyone else, don't switch your cup with another patient, and if I catch you dumping it into the head this time, so help me I'll tell Cottle that you took apart another heart monitor." But despite her stern tone, a smile toyed at the edge of Ishay's lips.
"I'll be good," he promised. "I'm really sorry," he said.
"Well, at least I got you to think about wasting food like that. I'll be back in fifteen minutes." Ishay moved on to another patient.
Dee took a sip of water. The cool, clear liquid was pure relief, and she drank thirstily. Hoshi watched her, fiddling with his spoon.
"I'm sorry," he finally said when Dee put the empty cup down and picked up her own spoon. "About the baby, I mean."
Dee didn't answer. Instead, she took a spoonful of the broth. It smelled and tasted extremely good, despite the fact it was several steps removed from any natural animal. "Are you going to eat yours?" she finally asked.
Hoshi looked down at his cup and wrinkled his nose. "It sounds like it, although I have absolutely no desire to. Everything I've eaten today has only come back up."
Dee looked at the IV again. She could spot the drug name on the bag, but cytarabine/daunorubicine meant nothing to her, and she couldn't think how to ask. Hoshi saw her looking, and sighed.
"Will you promise not to tell anyone?"
Dee nodded.
"Acute myeloid leukemia," he said. "Stage two."
"Oh. I'm sorry. How long-"
"Diagnosed nine days ago," Hoshi answered. He put the spoon down and just picked up the cup, sipping the broth. He winced. "I'll be done this round of chemo in a day. I appreciate it if you don't tell anyone. Anyone."
"It's not something to be ashamed of," Dee said.
"Of course not. But if people know I have cancer, they treat me like I'm dying."
"Well, it's cancer," Dee said.
"Exactly. I'm sick, not dying." Hoshi shrugged. "Cancer isn't incurable. I'll do my chemo, get better, have my life back for a few years, and then do it again." His voice was factual. "No need to make it into something more than it is."
There was something about his tone that brooked no argument, and Dee nodded, and then went back to her broth. "Does the Admiral know?"
"The Admiral, the Colonel, Felix and Noel, and now you. Probably Helo. That's it." Hoshi took another sip of his broth, and put it down very deliberately. "And what about you? Who knows you're in here?"
"Lee, you. Noel will probably figure it out, and I think the Admiral will as well. Felix. Probably Helo." She frowned, noticing suddenly that their lists were nearly identical. How had that happened? "If you could also…"
"Of course." He sat back in his chair. "I'm not quite sure of what I wanted to say," he admitted. "I just…" he grimaced, and shifted uncomfortably and paled. "You understood when we lost the Pegasus," he said in a rush. "I saw that. I guess I owed you."
"Thank you," Dee said quietly.
Hoshi stood up hastily. "I hate to leave so abruptly, but I'm going to throw up any minute, and I'd rather not do it on a post op patient. See you." He moved out of the cubicle, and less than a minute later Dee heard him vomiting. Judging by the low, reassuring voice an orderly or a nurse or doctor had caught up with him, but it seemed to go on for a long time.
Dee winced and went back to her soup. The vomiting ended, and the infirmary seemed quiet again. She focused on eating, and finished her broth just as Ishay returned.
"Is Hoshi all right?" she heard herself asking.
"He's fine," Ishay said comfortingly. "He's in bed now." She gathered the dishes together. "I see he didn't eat much." Dee shook her head. "It's been an hour," she told her. "You can have pain meds now. You might want a sleeping pill as well. Sleeping in the infirmary isn't easy."
"Thank you." Dee took the pills Ishay handed her.
"How are you doing emotionally, Dee?" Ishay asked, sitting down for a moment. "Do you need someone to talk to?"
"No, I… actually, I'm doing okay," Dee said, nodding. "I know it sounds strange, but I guess I just didn't have time to get used to the idea that I was even pregnant."
"Hmm." Ishay waited, and then nodded. "Well, if you change your mind, I'm more than willing to listen."
"Thank you."
Ishay helped her to the head and then back into bed. As she returned to her cubicle, she caught sight of the clock. It was 2200 hours. Forty eight hours ago she'd still been puzzling over how to tell Lee as he lay beside her. Twenty four hours ago she'd been laying down to sleep, worried but still happy. And six hours ago, she'd entered the infirmary for the last hour of her pregnancy. She stomped down on the thought and gratefully entered her own cubicle, easing into bed.
The pain meds helped, but the sleeping pill must have been especially powerful. Dee was asleep two minutes after her head hit the pillow.
***
Much to Dee's relief, Lee dropped off a few of her own clothes when he stopped by, so despite the fact she was confined to the infirmary, she at least didn't have to stay in the hospital gown. She was eating breakfast when Adama pushed the curtain aside, and impulsively, Dee glanced down to make sure she'd remembered to change. If nothing else, it was easier than looking at her father-in-law.
"How are you doing?" Adama asked.
"I'm all right, sir," Dee said. She shrugged, and then pulled in a deep breath as the motion tugged on her abdomen. "Sore."
"I imagine." Adama cleared his throat. They stared at each other awkwardly. "How long until you're back on your feet?" he finally asked.
"Doc says a few days," Dee answered, realizing that Adama was trying to restore some semblance of normalcy to the conversation. "I'm sorry I didn't finish my shift in CIC." She smiled awkwardly. "You're really down on officers here, aren't you?"
Adama chuckled. "You and Hoshi are going to owe Gaeta big when this is all over," he said. "I think the man is trying to do all three of your jobs at once." Adama leaned over and patted her hand. "You're not easy to replace, Dee. In fact, I'd say it's impossible."
There was such kindness in his eyes, that for the first time since she'd woken up Dee felt something in her crack. She hastily scrambled to hold it together, not wanting to break down in front of the Admiral. The last thing she wanted was for him to see her as weak, even now. Especially now. Instead, she managed a smile.
Adama returned the smile. "Cottle told me you need to walk some this morning," he said. "Would you like some company?" He extended his arm, and Dee eased herself up and took it. His arm was warm and solid, and he tucked his hands against her, squeezing one of them tightly.
"Were you ever able to sleep well in the infirmary, sir?" she asked as they began their slow progress.
He looked at her, almost amused. "Not really," he admitted. "Too much beeping, and they never turn out the lights. I take it that bothered you as well?"
"And they woke me up twice," Dee admitted. "Just to make sure I was still alive."
Adama laughed deep in his throat. As they passed, Dee managed to glance into one of the curtained off areas and caught sight of Hoshi. He was extremely pale, but he was sleeping, lying on his back, his hand up by his face. He looked younger asleep, without the stern expression that his face seemed to assume naturally. Adama followed her gaze and his good humor faded. "When you're out of here," he said simply, "I want you to help me train Specialist Gage on some of the CIC equipment."
"Yes, sir."
"Hopefully we won't need it, but I suspect that we will."
"Yes, sir."
Adama glanced at her from the corner of his eye. "Nine months from now, we would have needed another Communications Officer anyway." His hands tightened on hers again, the equivalent, Dee realized, of a hug.
And she told herself she felt nothing.
***
After Adama left, Dee sat in her chair, staring at the heart monitor that had been hooked to her during her surgery. It was dark and silent now, just waiting, measuring nothing.
Somehow, that felt poetic and appropriate.
***
The morning ticked by, each minute stretching into hours. Dee couldn't remember the last time she'd ever been this bored. Even on the Pegasus, there had always been something to do, even if it was just paperwork.
Cottle was right that her physical recovery wouldn't be extremely difficult. Dee had gone for two walks already around the infirmary. She was on her third when she saw Hoshi sitting up in his bed, playing both sides of a game of Cripple with a deck of cards.
"Imaginary friend?" she couldn't help asking.
He looked up, and moved his table. "Come play," he said. "Please."
"I'm beginning to think that Ishay wasn't joking about you taking apart a heart monitor," Dee said, sitting down into the chair that was next to Hoshi's bed.
"It was broken," Hoshi insisted. "It works fine now." He scooped the cards up and shuffled, and then deftly dealt them both a hand. "But I've got very explicit orders about leaving broken equipment the hell alone," he said, and Dee giggled as he lapsed into a reasonable impression of Cottle. Hoshi sighed. "I offered to help him fix anything else he's got down, or at least try."
"I'm surprised he didn't take you up on it," Dee said.
"He doesn't trust me not to pass out in the middle of the job right now," Hoshi confessed. "Maybe next week."
"I thought you said today was your last day of chemo?" Dee asked, trying to keep her tone light. She had no idea of exactly how comfortable Hoshi was discussing any of this.
"It is," he said. "Remission induction comes first, that usually takes a week. Then they'll give me a couple of weeks to recover. If I'm lucky, we go to consolidation. If I'm not, I get another round of remission induction." He drew a card, made a face and then discarded it. "I'll have an idea in a few days. Cottle mentioned I get to have a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow." He rolled his eyes. "Yay."
Dee couldn't help snickering at his dry, sarcastic tone. "I take it bone marrow biopsies aren't fun?"
Hoshi held his hands a foot and a half apart. "Swear to the Gods, the needles are this big." Dee giggled again, and he gave her a cock-eyed smile. "Sure, laugh now. But if you told me you get to have what amounts to salad tongs shoved up you tomorrow as someone pokes around inside you, I wouldn't laugh."
Dee winced at that one. "You sound like you're pretty well versed in all this."
"Yeah, well, this is my fourth go-around." She looked up in surprise, but Hoshi was studying the cards on the table, and she had the impression he was deliberately not meeting her eyes.
"It wasn't in your file," she began, and then remembered all the blocking out that Cain had done. "But then," she sighed, "nothing was in anyone's file, I guess."
"Admiral Cain downplayed it a lot for me anyway," Hoshi said. "Don't know how much you would have found."
Dee found herself wanting to ask more, but at the same time, this was Hoshi, the man who'd done his best to make her life a living hell for almost the entire year. And she couldn't imagine this was an easy topic to talk about. She nodded, and then turned her attention back to the game.
Neither of them said much more for two hands, talking only for what the game required. Although one of the curtains was pushed open to allow some access into the area, the other two were still shut, closing them in. It felt cozy, and Dee had the oddest feeling of wishing she could hear rain as they played.
"Want to start betting?" Hoshi asked, as they finished up the hand.
"We don't have anything to bet."
"I'll keep track," Hoshi said. "Math soothes me."
"All right."
An hour later, Dee owed Hoshi fifty six cubits. "You count cards, don't you?" she asked.
"Yeah," he said, laying down his hand. "Like I said, numbers… they keep my mind busy."
"I want to watch you and Felix play sometime."
Hoshi grinned wolfishly. "It's not pretty."
"I'm sure. That's exactly why I want to watch."
"How did you meet Felix, anyway?" Hoshi asked, picking up the cards and idly shuffling them.
"Nothing special," Dee admitted. "We were assigned to the Galactica around the same time. We both work in the CIC. It's really kind of boring." She cocked her head. "I know how you met Felix, but how did you meet Noel?"
Hoshi smiled. "I was just coming back on to the Pegasus," he said. "I was just getting off a rotation where I was on a desk job for a year after I'd had…" he jerked his head at the IV, and Dee nodded. "Anyway, we came up at the same time. I remember watching him in the Raptor. He was the new hot shot pilot, and I really thought I didn't have a chance in hell, but for some reason he kept talking to me." Hoshi shrugged. "I hadn't ever had a lot of relationships. Between my own stellar good looks and the cancer," he grinned self-deprecatingly, "it just never really happened. But I fell hard for Noel." He shrugged. "The Admiral and Jurgen teased me about it for months."
"Why did it end?" Dee asked.
She could see Hoshi retreating. His smile faded, and the warmth left his eyes. "I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I didn't mean to overstep." He stared at her for a long moment, and she realized that he was surprised she had apologized.
"It's all right," he said finally. "I think we've completely exhausted Cripple. Want to play Go Fish?"
"Sounds good, because I don't think I have any more cubits for you to win off me," Dee said, taking the hint. He dealt, and she smiled brightly. "Do you have a five?"
***
Go fish. Do you have a seven? Bitch, but good natured. Do you have a two? Go fish.
There was a rhythm to the simple child's game, steady and droning. They played on and on, with no conversation, just the game. Dee didn't mind.
She kept stealing glances at Hoshi, covertly at first and then more openly as she realized he wasn't noticing. In the year she'd worked with him, she'd never really seen him smile at her like this, and never really heard him laugh this way. It meant nothing, she told herself. When they both got out of the infirmary- provided he didn't die- it would all be back to normal. Because nothing changed in seventy two hours. Three days couldn't change two lives. Well, it could. But this wasn't the attacks and it wasn't the Cylons.
Three days didn't change anything, and she was still the same Dee she'd been before she'd entered the infirmary, just not pregnant. And really, considering how early it was, that was barely a change at all.
Do you have a three? Go fish.
***
"Lieutenant Hoshi?" Ishay entered the little cubicle, pushing a cart. "I've got your lunch." Ishay moved around Dee and began to change the drip bag on Hoshi's IV.
"Last one," she told him, and he smiled up at her. "How are you feeling today?"
"A bit better than yesterday."
"Are you going to eat for me?"
"Not that much better than yesterday."
Ishay's eyes narrowed. "Lieutenant, do we need to talk?"
Hoshi looked down at the cards, flipping them back into action. "Should I deal you in, Layne?" he asked.
Ishay sighed irritably. "Dee, I'm going to have to chase you out right now. It looks like Lieutenant Hoshi and I need to have a serious discussion. Besides, you have a visitor anyway. Your husband is here."
Dee nodded and stood up. Hoshi sullenly studied the cards in front of him. "Good luck," she told Ishay. "After working with him on the Pegasus, I can't imagine that he's the most cooperative patient."
Hoshi stuck his tongue out at her as she retreated, and Dee snickered.
She made her way back to her own cubicle, where Lee stood waiting for her. He looked so confident and easy in his duty blues, and he smiled at Dee's slow progress.
"You look a lot better today," he said. He gestured for her to enter the cubicle first. "Ishay left us lunch." Dee smiled up at him as she moved past him, and then sat down. Ishay had indeed left a tray, with a much thicker soup and some bread for Dee, and a proper meal for Lee. Dee sat down, staring at it for a long moment.
"Dad said you were up and walking," Lee said, sitting down across from her. He picked up his napkin and spread it neatly across his lap, like they were in a restaurant. "You're doing better today?"
"Aside from owing Hoshi an insane number of cubits I don't have, I'm doing all right," Dee said. "Cottle's been giving me pain meds, and I'm walking fine."
"That's good. You look… good." He chewed slowly, and held his silverware formally. "But how are you really doing?"
Dee blinked. "I just told you I'm doing all right. I wasn't lying."
"Not that way," Lee said, staring down at his plate and stabbing his food with a little more force than necessary. "I mean, with the baby."
Dee swallowed, and studied Lee closely. His eyes were fixed on his food, but his hand shook slightly and there was a set about his shoulders that Dee recognized. He was worried, he was sad, he was uncertain of what to say and how to handle the situation. She remembered that downward spiral on the Pegasus. Whatever she did, she couldn't let Lee go there again. She took a deep breath.
"I'm doing all right," she said. "I only knew for a week or so, and it's not like we were trying." Lee nodded. "I hadn't really even adjusted to the idea I was pregnant, and now…" she looked back down at her food. "I guess I'm handling it okay." Lee smiled, but his smile was off. Dee had seen it before, when he was faced with a problem he couldn't figure out. "How are you doing?" she asked him.
"Well, like you said, I hadn't really adjusted to it. I only found out you were pregnant when you weren't anymore." He smiled again to take the sting from his words. "I wish…." He drifted off, looking away at something outside their little cubicle, and then shook his head. "You know, we'll be able to try again, and do you realize our baby could be born on Earth?"
Dee's throat closed, and she nodded.
Lee chuckled. "Can you imagine that? I mean, I have no idea of what Earth will be like, but our baby being able to see the sky and breathe fresh air and never, ever have to set foot on a space ship if he or she doesn't want to. And we'll be able to give him or her… I don't even know. But more than we can give them now." His hand was by his chin, and his eyes were wet. Dee watched him, her heart breaking. For a long moment, the cubicle felt tiny and warm and intimate. Lee picked up her hand, holding it to his face, and met her eyes.
And then something happened. Something in her face, something in her posture… something in her made him pull away. That open grief and hope retreated from his face, and he was once again strong, heroic Apollo. "I'm sorry, Dee. I shouldn't be putting you through this. You're the one who's still trying to recuperate, and I… I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she said, a little baffled.
He wiped at his eyes and sniffed, sealing up the facade. "I suppose, in many ways, it's for the best," he said lamely. "We can't… never mind."
It's for the best. She acknowledged the words as good, common sense. Because if it was for the best she could… she didn't have to…. If it was for the best there was no grief, no regret, no heartbreak. If it was for the best she could be strong.
"You're right," she heard herself saying. "Maybe it's for the best."
He smiled at her, and his smile was full of pride. But the closeness had evaporated a little, and somehow, even though it's for the best seemed like the right thing to say, Dee knew it couldn't be more wrong.
***
She was sitting alone on her bed, wondering if the baby had been a boy or a girl, when Cottle came in. "I have some good news," he said. "The cyst was benign."
Dee nodded. "It's funny, isn't it?" she said abstractly. "I keep forgetting that there even was one."
Cottle studied her. "Well, it wasn't anything to be too worried about," he said. "But still…."
Dee shrugged.
"Should I get Ishay?"
"No. No, I'm fine."
***
"So his wife says, 'Well, maybe you should try thawing the chicken first!'" Noel and Felix exploded into laughter, and Dee had to whack Hoshi.
"Don't make me laugh like that," she gasped. "My stomach can't take it."
"I'm sorry, but really. You do meet the worst idiots in desk jobs." Hoshi rearranged his hand.
"Tell them about the one about the guy who tried to use paper on an CIT projector," Noel said. "That one's a classic."
"There are still functional CIT projectors?" Felix asked, and Noel laughed.
"All right, that's enough." Cottle broke them up. "I've been lenient with the visiting hours, but it's an hour past, you four are starting to disturb the other patients, and both Lieutenant Hoshi and Lieutenant Dualla should be sleeping."
"We could deal you in, Doc," Noel tried.
For a moment, Cottle actually looked tempted. But then he firmed up again. "Go on now, all of you. Get to where you're supposed to be."
Noel stood up and extended his arm to Dee, glancing significantly at Felix and Hoshi. "My lady," he said gallantly, "would you permit me to escort you to your quarters?"
Dee giggled, but as she stood up, she found she was grateful for Noel's support. "Good night," she said, trying to curtsey at Felix and Hoshi. She leaned on Noel, and they made their slow progress.
"You'll be there tomorrow?" she heard Hoshi say as they left.
"As soon as I'm off duty," Felix answered. "1600 hours, right? I'll get Thorton to cover for me."
"Thanks."
Noel helped her to the head, and then back to her cubicle in silence. But when they approached her bed, he asked "I didn't want to ask you in front of the others, but… what happened?"
Dee waited until they entered her cubicle and she sat down on her bed before she answered. "The pregnancy was ectopic,"
Noel's face crumpled in sympathy. "Oh, frak. Frak, Dee, I'm sorry. I figured something had happened, but…" he hesitated awkwardly. "Are you okay?"
He looked uncomfortable, uncertain of what to say. Dee didn't blame him. "Sure," she said.
"Does Lee…?"
She nodded. "Yeah. Felix got him back from that tylium mission before I woke up." She laughed hollowly. "He says maybe it's for the best."
Noel shrugged awkwardly. "Good attitude to have, I guess."
That hurt, in ways Dee wasn't ready to express. But she remembered fighting with Noel before Lee left, and right now she didn't want to go back there. So she changed the subject. "Hey," she said suddenly, "was this what your problem was when Lee was upset with your flying? Louis being sick?"
"Yeah," Noel said with a sigh.
"He says he's not dying."
"And he's probably right." Noel shrugged. "It's hard to believe it when he says he'll be fine."
They sat in silence for a few moments, until Ishay came in. She did a couple of quick checks and gave Dee her medication, and then said goodnight, although Dee noticed with amusement that she cast Noel a sly, interested glance as she left. Noel was oblivious. Dee sat back and yawned hugely. "Sorry," she said. "I didn't think a day of doing nothing could be so exhausting."
Noel smiled. "I'll let you get some sleep," he said. He watched as she lay down, and then kissed her forehead gently. "I'll see you soon, all right?"
"All right." Dee watched him go, and soon she heard him catching up with Felix. Their voices sounded happy, alive, and as they drifted away together, she envied them.
The infirmary had settled down, but she still heard people moving about, machines beeping. Like Adama had said, they never turned the lights out, and she couldn't get comfortable on the bed. The pain meds hadn't kicked in yet, and now that her mind wasn't occupied she was aware of the discomfort in her abdomen. And somewhere, under it all, she suspected her heart was breaking.
She lay on her back and stared at the ceiling until sleep finally came.
***
"We could try replacing the circuit board."
"The problem is there's nothing to replace it with," Dee said, studying the diagram spread out in front of them.
Hoshi rubbed his forehead. "Right." He traced over the symbols. "What if we-" There were footsteps outside the cubicle, and a laugh as the curtain was pulled aside. Both of them snapped to attention, and Hoshi folded the diagrams. As he registered the visitors, he paled.
"Dr. Cottle," he said, confusion in his voice. "Dr. Robert."
"Lieutenant. Nice to see you again, although it's a shame it's under these circumstances." Dr. Robert consulted the chart in his hand. "Although I suspect you're not happy to see me."
Hoshi looked frantically at Cottle, who was standing easily at the doctor's side. "Sir? My biopsy isn't until 1600 hours, and I thought-"
"Dr. Robert came over on the early shuttle," Cottle said.
"But… it's not… Felix said…" Hoshi swallowed hard, and then composed himself. "I'm sorry. I was just taken by surprise. Is there any chance we can wait until later in the day?"
"My shuttle leaves at 1400 hours," Dr. Robert said, "and I've got a surgery back on the Prometheus after that. I can't delay it. And you can't come over to me this time- you're on the no-fly list until you're in remission."
"If you wait until 1600 hours, you're going to be my first attempt at a bone marrow biopsy," Cottle said. "Is that what you want?"
"No. It's…" Hoshi took a deep breath and smiled. "It's fine. I'm sorry, sir."
Dr. Robert looked at Dee. "We're short a few medics. Can you help us hold him down?"
"She's post-op, forget it," Cottle said before Dee could agree to it. "I just finished the Admiral's physical. He said he'd give us a hand as soon as he had his uniform back on."
"Okay, then." Dr. Robert looked down at Hoshi. "Do you need the head before we begin?"
Hoshi nodded and slipped out of bed. Dee stood as well, but when she did, Hoshi turned and faced her. "Would you mind staying?" he asked. "I just really need-"
"It's fine, Hoshi," she said. "I'll be here."
"Thank you."
Adama was the first one to enter the room, as Dr. Robert was fussing with the equipment on a tray. He smiled at Dee, and then stepped to the other side of the empty bed to talk to the doctors. Dee heard Cottle giving him instructions in a low, gravelly voice.
The curtains parted again and Hoshi reentered. He'd changed out of his sweats and tanks and put on a hospital gown, and apparently had no underwear on underneath as he was awkwardly trying to hold the gown closed in the back. He glanced at the three men and then at Dee, and then self consciously climbed into the bed, lying on his side and facing Dee.
"I'm going to take a few moments to feel around for the site I want to use," Dr. Robert said, addressing Adama and Cottle. Cottle nodded, watching intently. Hoshi flinched, but didn't say anything as the doctor began to press on his hip bone.
"What do you want me to do?" she asked Hoshi. He swallowed, and then reached out tentatively. Dee realized what he wanted, and immediately took his hand in hers. "Okay," she said. "What else?"
"Just… I need to talk. Keep me talking. It keeps my mind off it, and if I don't think about it it's a lot easier."
"All right." But it wasn't easy. Dee cast around frantically for a topic of conversation, but kept coming up dry. "Should we keep discussing the communications console?" she asked.
"No. Nothing that technical- I can't concentrate on the details."
Dee chewed her lip, casting about for another topic. "You said this is your fourth time going through chemo," she said. "Is that why you're still a lieutenant?"
Hoshi nodded. "Did a lot of tours planetside at desk jobs after chemo treatments."
"How old were you?"
"Thirty-five the last time, twenty-nine the time before that, and seventeen the first time."
Dr. Robert interrupted, leaning over to address Hoshi as directly as possible. " I found the spot. I'm going to clean it."
Hoshi nodded. "Keep talking," he whispered at her. "Don't watch it."
"All right. Which one was the worst?"
"When I was seventeen. It was stage four that time, and I was largely alone."
The pieces came together. "That's why you left Sagittaron? You said you left when you were seventeen."
Hoshi winced as Dr. Robert injected an anesthetic into his hip. "Yeah, it was."
"Okay, I-"
"What the frak is that?" she heard Adama say softly.
Dr. Robert had picked up another syringe. It was huge- about two inches in diameter and over a foot long. It looked like a prop bad comedians would use. "This," Dr. Robert said, "is the syringe we use for the bone marrow aspiration. That one," he pointed to one that Dee couldn't see but made Adama's eyes widen, "is for the actual bone marrow sampling. What we need to do is put the needle through the hip and into the center of the bone. The aspiration takes a liquid sample, and then we actually take a sample of the marrow for analysis."
Adama nodded.
"Lieutenant," Dr. Robert said, "you know how this goes. I need you to curl up as tight as you possibly can." Hoshi nodded and obeyed, curling himself into a small ball. "That’s good. Now push your hip out… good. Cottle, you hold his legs, and Adama, you brace his shoulders. Lieutenant Hoshi is fairly good about staying still, but sometimes…" he gave Dee a small smile. "This is not an easy procedure. All right?"
Hoshi took a deep, quavering breath, and then another. "Ready," he told Dr. Robert, but the mute plea he gave Dee was desperate and terrified.
"Keep going," he begged her. "I can't think."
Dee realized suddenly that she had never seen Hoshi actually afraid before, and it was rather chilling. It froze her mind, and she shook her head, especially as Dr. Robert lifted the long needle. "I… I…"
"Tell us about leaving Sagittaron," Adama jumped in, helping Dee out. "Were you headed for the Academy?"
Hoshi shook his head. "Not at all. My family was farmers. My parents were true believers. So was everyone we lived near. Small community." He was staring fixedly at Dee's face as he talked, and Dee kept her eyes on his. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Dr. Robert probing again with his fingers. "I was sixteen the first time I fainted, but it was hot and I was out in the field. I fainted five more times before I cut myself on the combine, and we couldn't get it to stop bleeding."
Dr. Robert said something softly to Cottle, and Dee was vaguely aware that Cottle answered in deep, rumbling tones. Hoshi swallowed hard.
"They actually took me to a doctor in Edessa. Under cover of night, to the shame of the neighbors, the whole nine yards. I think that maybe if it was something easy to fix, they might have done it. But they told us leukemia, and my mother just started crying. She-" his hand convulsed on Dee's, and involuntarily, Dee looked to see Dr. Robert inserting the needle deep into Hoshi's hip. Her stomach churned at the sight of it, and she hastily returned her gaze back to Hoshi's face.
He didn't seem to have noticed. "She gave me up for dead," he continued, his voice a monotone, "right then and there. The doctor told us I'd have a forty to sixty percent chance of making it with chemotherapy, and I'd be dead by the end of the year if we did nothing. My father didn't say a word for the whole drive home, but when we got there, he took me out for a long walk, and talked for a long time about the afterlife and destiny and how we all have our time. And all I could think was that if the Gods actually gave a frak about my destiny, they wouldn't have stuck me on the rock I was on. At the end, I asked him if they were going to treat me, and he said they couldn't condemn my soul to burn in hell, and as hard as this was for them, the alternative was worse."
"I'm in," Dr. Robert said. "This is the aspiration. Admiral, make sure you've got a strong hold; this hurts." Adama nodded, firming up his hold.
"So I got what money I could together and…" Hoshi broke off, and he squeezed Dee's hand so tightly that she almost cried out herself. "I ran," he finished, his voice cracking. "I ran to Gemenon, because I figured they'd be the most sympathetic to a Sagittaron. But I didn't know how much a specialist cost and I…" he closed his eyes, and his face contorted. But he kept his body completely still, and he didn't cry out. "But I had no idea what a specialist cost, or how hard it was to get an appointment with one without a referral."
Dr. Robert removed the syringe, but Hoshi didn't relax at all. And when Dee saw him pick up the bigger syringe, she understood exactly why. "The aspiration is done, Lieutenant," Dr. Robert said. "You're doing well."
Hoshi renewed his grip on Dee's hand. "What did I just say?" he asked.
"You didn't know how much it would cost."
"Oh. Right. Anyway, I kept trying to get appointments, but I went about it all wrong, going to hospitals and begging to see doctors. None of the offices really took me seriously, especially because by that time I was looking worse for the wear. Eventually I met up with Jurgen. He tried to get me to go to a temple, one that specializes in outreach and helping troubled youth, but I was afraid they'd send me right back to Sagittaron." His hand tightened again, but judging by the expression on his face this part was not as painful as the last, despite the fact that the needle was bigger. "He worked some sort of deal, got me into the military. Cain helped. I had to serve after I was done the treatments. I eventually got into the Academy, so it was better than anything I would have ever had on Sagittaron. It worked out."
Dr. Robert removed the syringe, and handed it to Cottle. "Lieutenant Hoshi? We're done. I need you to stay like you are until we can get the bleeding stopped and site cleaned and bandaged, but it's over. The worst is over. Admiral? You can let go."
Adama pulled back, and when Dee looked at him, she thought he looked like she felt, pale and sick. His hands lingered on Hoshi's shoulders, gentle and fatherly, before he completely stepped away from the bed. Hoshi kept a tight hold on Dee's hand, and she squeezed back, not letting go.
Cottle broke the silence first. "I'll take these samples over to the med lab for analysis," he said. "When I have the results, we'll discuss them." Hoshi nodded, and Cottle glanced over at Adama. "You said you needed to discuss the state of our medical supplies today as well?"
"Yes, Major. Dr. Robert, if you'll join us once you're done here, I'd like to take you to see Saul Tigh. Maybe you can talk some sense into him."
Dr. Robert nodded grimly. "I'll be there in a moment."
Adama touched Hoshi's shoulder again, and then left with Cottle.
Dr. Robert cleared his throat. He deftly bandaged the site, and then gave another small smile. "You can relax now, Lieutenant. You did extremely well." Hoshi nodded, but didn't really move. Dr. Robert slipped out, and Dee was alone with Hoshi.
"Hoshi?" She whispered. "I-"
"Are they gone?"
"They're gone," Dee said.
"Good." Hoshi extended his legs, and now that they were alone, she could feel him starting to tremble. It began in his hands and spread throughout his body. His one hand stayed clasped in hers, but the other covered his face as he shook. Dee covered their joined hands with her free one, staring at the image that seemed so familiar to her, and yet so different.
It wasn't until then that she realized Hoshi was crying.
It was quiet, but it shook his body and Dee wasn't sure what to do. If she'd gone through what he'd just taken, she'd be doing the same thing, but she had no idea how to approach it.
"It's okay," she whispered to him. "You're not alone. I'm here." And as the words left her mouth, it occurred to her that she meant it. "Louis, I'm here."
She wasn't aware that she was crying herself until the tears dripped onto her hands. She moved her top hand and tentatively touched his hair. When he didn't jerk back or yell at her to frak off, she stroked it gently, the short strands soft under her fingers.
She heard footsteps, and touched him more firmly. "Someone's coming," she said, wiping her face.
Hoshi took a deep breath and got himself under control, and then flipped over onto his back, wiping his own cheeks. He tried to wipe at his nose, realized he only had his bare hand, and made a face. Dee started to giggle as she hunted around for something more appropriate. He smiled, too, and then hiccuped. They stared at each other, and the shocked expression on his face was so comical that Dee couldn't help laughing.
"It's not funny," he said indignantly, and then hiccuped again. By the time the curtains pushed aside, they were both laughing.
"Do I even want to know?" Cottle asked.
Hoshi hiccuped, and they both doubled over in laughter.
***
"And so, Goddess Athena, we lift to you this prayer. We pray for those who are suffering, those who are grieving, those who are mourning. We pray for those in pain, that you may ease their burden. We pray for those struggling on, for each other, for ourselves. Help us Athena, in this our hour of need. So say we all."
"So say we all."
Hoshi was listening to the wireless, head bowed, when Dee was coming back from the infirmary shower. The service was a Sagittaron one, she realized. "Are you feeling better?"
Hoshi looked up and snapped off the wireless. "A bit." He studied her. "Do you go to services?"
"I did for a little while. I promised my parents… but after the attacks…" Dee shrugged.
Hoshi nodded and reached over and turned the wireless back on. "Sit with me," he said, and Dee wasn't sure if it was a request or an order. But she obeyed.
They listened together in silence, and Dee used the time to take a better look at Hoshi. He'd lost weight since she'd last seen him in the CIC, she realized, although it wasn't drastic. Judging by the smell of soap, he'd showered after the biopsy. He still hadn't shaved, but Dee noticed that his beard was coming in well and his hair looked the same as when he'd cropped it close. "I thought cancer patients usually lost their hair," she said.
"Not always, and not immediately," Hoshi said. "You used to pass notes during sermons, didn't you?"
"Yes."
He grinned. "Figured." But he pointedly lapsed back into silence, listening to the speaker. Dee took the hint and did the same.
The priestess was talking about the fragility of life and the world beyond. The world Hoshi's father had explained to a child he thought he couldn't help. The glory of the afterlife, where souls rested. And suddenly, Dee was hit with the image of her baby there, crawling in a garden, a chubby hand reaching towards a flower.
It was ridiculous, she knew that, and yet it wouldn't leave her alone.
"What did he look like?" she heard herself asking. "Your father?"
"My father?" Hoshi asked, his brows knitting together in surprise. "Pretty much exactly like me."
The baby's hand was intercepted by a hand with long, thin fingers, and she could see the protector clearly. Grayer than his son, with longer hair and a worn flannel shirt and tanned face. He picked the baby up, cuddling it close, pointing to a bird that flew by.
"He didn't protect you. He couldn't protect you. He wanted to, but he had to let you go, because he believed…" Dee found herself wiping at her streaming eyes. "He had to let his child go."
Hoshi's eyes lit with comprehension. "You're not like my father. You truly had no choice."
"I never said I was. I just… he lost his baby."
"There's a difference," Hoshi said gently. "You lost your baby."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"
Hoshi sighed heavily, and scooted over until he could pull her into his arms. "Don't talk," he ordered her, rubbing her arm gently. "Just cry."
It was impossible not to obey, and Dee cried against him until her ribs and her abdomen hurt and her body felt heavy. Somehow she ended up on his bed, curled against him like a child, sobbing like her heart was broken.
She finally had to stop, not because she felt any better, but because her body just wouldn't take any more. He was watching her, his own eyes red and swollen.
"Do you feel better?" he asked.
Dee shook her head.
"Can't say I blame you. Crying never helped me, either. It's just something I do when I can't do anything else." He guided her down so they were lying more comfortably on the bed, both on their sides, facing each other. His lips quirked up, and he draped his arm over her. "I don't know about you," he murmured, "but I'll take the Cylons over this morning any day of the week."
She nodded, closing her eyes. And when she did, they stayed shut. She drifted off to sleep under the warmth of Hoshi's arm, his warm breath even and gentle on her neck as he nodded off as well.
On to Part 8
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 03:11 am (UTC)I like the changes you made to the ending. It works a lot better. :)
I won't say this chapter made me excited- because Hoshi's got cancer and that's not exactly exciting, but it's nice to see their breakthrough here. And the Admiral showing up for the procedure is a nice touch. I like seeing the caring side of Adama. But Lee...*shakes head* At least I know he's trying.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 12:02 pm (UTC)Yeah, it's not nice, but on the bright side, as you know I'm following canon you can also guess how the cancer ends up this time :) The funny thing about Adama being there was that it was originally supposed to be Tigh, given that Tigh and Dr. Robert are friends in canon. But I'm not clear on what Tigh is doing right now, but I know it involves a lot of drinking, so.... ::sigh:: I need to read over Hero and see if it answers it at all.
Yeah, I will give Lee all the credit in the world here. Lee was trying, and he was trying hard. But poor Lee was blindsided by this, and knowing what to say when someone miscarries is hard, anyway. Plus, he was trying to deal with his own grief and Dee's.... I actually feel bad for Lee in this part. And Dee. I really wanted this section to be very sympathetic to them both, even if it's going to have repercussions later.
Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 03:16 am (UTC)Adama! I know it's been said a million times before, but I miss this Adama so much, the fatherly one who feels so much for all his 'kids.'
Dee's interactions with everyone, trying to keep her emotions bottled up because she was afraid of what it would do to *them* to see her upset, were wonderful, too. It's so sad that she didn't feel she could talk to Lee, but I understand her fear of seeing him relapse. The one that hurt most, though, was Narcho. He wanted to say the right thing to her, I know he did; he just guessed wrong as to what she needed to hear.
This may be an odd comment, but I also really liked how you opened the chapter with Dee's disorientation at who is sitting at her bedside, weaving her story in with Felix visiting Hoshi in the next cubicle without ever explicitly stating what's going on. In fact, the bits of Gaeta/Hoshi were all very subtle and quiet and well done, just what I'd expect to see from Dee's perspective.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 12:07 pm (UTC)I miss this Adama, too. Amusingly, it was supposed to be Tigh, but I think he's completely drunk right now in the timeline.
He wanted to say the right thing to her, I know he did; he just guessed wrong as to what she needed to hear.
Exactly :) I've been fortunate enough that I never miscarried, but I've had lots of friends who have, and they've told me that "maybe it's for the best" or "I guess it just wasn't meant to be" is like THE WORST thing you can say, but everyone says it anyway. I heard it a lot when my father died, so I believe it. Narcho really wanted to say the right thing- he just fell into what sounds like a very common misconception. Especially since Dee said it first.
n fact, the bits of Gaeta/Hoshi were all very subtle and quiet and well done, just what I'd expect to see from Dee's perspective.
:) Thanks. I like these two because they are so subtle and quiet. It amuses me, because even though they totally tacked Gaeta/Hoshi on, it's a relationship that works for me without having the buildup. Gaeta/Narcho would have, too. I know a lot of it has to do with how minor the characters are, and that there were always hints about Gaeta's sexuality and the other two are so minor they have NO hints about their sexuality, but there's also the straightforward aspect to it, too. Two single, sexually well-adjusted gay guys meet, hit it off, get together. :)
Glad you enjoyed it!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 03:43 am (UTC)I like that he picks up on her grief over losing the pregnancy. That seems right. Oh, and there was one very subtle part that got to me too. The opening with her and Lee and when their masks slip back into place. Lee could have been the one to comfort her but no. I don't know why she pulled back but she did.
You are really good at those moments between people. Just describing how one person reacts in the moment and observes another. It's been fun reading your stories. I have hope for these two. :-)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 12:11 pm (UTC)I'm really glad you liked the Dee/Lee stuff. I was actually fond of that, and I've really been liking Lee in the past few chapters. I've come to the conclusion that Dee and Lee must have had some of their best times between Exodus 2 and Unfinished Business, when Lee had gotten out of his New Caprica depression but before Kara came back on the scene. But at the same time, while I would never blame Dee for Lee cheating on her (or near cheating), I also think that most people do cheat because they're not happy in their marriage. I can't say this is the beginning of the end, because Dee/Lee was always a bad idea from the beginning, but how they cope with this is not going to be good for their marriage, and for once I feel bad for both of them :)
Thanks so much- I'm glad you enjoyed this! :)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 05:10 am (UTC)Although: "staring at the heart monitor that had been hooked to her during her surgery. It was dark and silent now, just waiting, measuring nothing.
Somehow, that felt poetic and appropriate."
may win the award for most emo thing I've read in a while. I mean, I get it. And my heart really does break for Dee, but something about that made me giggle and I felt reeeeeally guilty about it.
And all the sick bay scenes were fantastic.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 12:12 pm (UTC)Heh, yeah, there is something emo about that, isn't there? My Lee muse must have written that when I wasn't looking :)
Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 12:18 pm (UTC)Hoshi having cancer just aches. Both because cancer treatment just sucks, even when it works and because it means that Felix's post-New Caprica 'happy time' was still full of crap like that. It works for the story, but still just ouch. I think my favorite line is, "I'll do my chemo, get better, have my life back for a few years, and then do it again." It really sounds like someone who's done two or three rounds of this.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 06:39 pm (UTC)I've been very lucky that I never miscarried, but a lot of my friends have. It doesn't surprise me how many people say the totally wrong thing, because it's so hard to know the right thing to say.
nd because it means that Felix's post-New Caprica 'happy time' was still full of crap like that.
Heh- poor Felix, huh? Actually, it could be worse. I was really surprised at the amount of time that lapses over Season 3. And let's just say that we see Hoshi in The Passage, and he's got a full head of hair....
But yeah, this poor guy's been through the wringer!
Thanks again :)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 04:24 pm (UTC)Also, you're making me regret the fact that I just joined the bone marrow donor registry...!
The line about the heart monitor being dark is brilliant and ouchy and...oh *Dee*.
I wanted more Dee-Felix, but considering that he's having to fill in for both her and Hoshi, it makes sense that he's not there much.
I didn't have any specifics in mind beyond "cancer" (maybe prostate), but now I want to go do some more research about leukemia. I'm such a nerd. (speaking of nerds: Hoshi fixing the equipment. HEEE.)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 07:09 pm (UTC)Also, you're making me regret the fact that I just joined the bone marrow donor registry...!
Eep! I hope it didn't scare you too badly! I've never actually had a bone marrow biopsy, but it doesn't sound like a fun procedure. (I was actually a little worried that people would think that Dr. Robert was just being sadistic because Hoshi's Sagittaron, but he's not at all.)
I wanted more Dee-Felix, but considering that he's having to fill in for both her and Hoshi, it makes sense that he's not there much.
You know, I did, too. But there's a couple of things going on. One is that this chapter takes place over less than 48 hours. So there isn't a lot of time. And I didn't want Dee to break through until the end, so I kind of kept Felix out of there. But at the same time, my Dee muse is being very shy about talking to my Felix muse. She's got something in her head about the way she treated him after New Caprica, and that she's cautious about leaning on him right now. We all know that Felix would do anything he can for her, but I think there's still some residual guilt there.
And heh- funny about the research. If my poor husband ever looked at my bookmarks, between the ectopic pregnancy site and the leukemia stuff, he'd have a momentary heart attack. Here's (http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/content/CRI_2_4_4x_Treatment_of_Acute_Myeloid_Leukemia_AML.asp) the site I've been using for treatment of leukemia. And this (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/cb/Bone_marrow_biopsy.jpg) is the syringe used for a biopsy. There are videos on line of them, too, but I just couldn't manage watching one. But what makes leukemia so nasty is that it's a cancer of the bone marrow, so it's so hard to treat. I've taken a few liberties (according to one website, recurrent AML like Hoshi's got shouldn't respond so well to the drugs once it comes back, but I figure if they can travel through space, they can be a little more advanced on their chemotherapy than we are ;) ) There was going to be a point where Hoshi mentioned a joke he'd made to Dr. Robert down on New Caprica about being "bad to the bone" and Dr. Robert laughing as he was trying to do the aspiration (which hurt even more), but I never found a way to work it in. Dr. Robert's going to have to come up more, later, so maybe I can make it happen then....
Thanks so much! :)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-13 12:07 am (UTC)(Just in case you're interested, it's free to join right now.)
We all know that Felix would do anything he can for her, but I think there's still some residual guilt there.
Aww. heart broken.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-13 12:43 am (UTC)a.) I don't think you have to have the aspiration done as a donor,
and
b.) Since a donor has to give up more bone marrow, they generally put you under for it. For a biopsy, general anesthetic isn't as likely.
I also figure
a.) the Fleet's gotta be running short on certain supplies. I'm still at a loss as to where they were coming up with all this cancer medication anyway ;) but beyond that, things like painkillers and anesthetics... I would think they'd ration them to an extent. They'd give Hoshi an anesthetic for the procedure, because yeah- pencil sized needle in your hip merits one. But they'd also give him as little as he could manage to get through the biopsy with.
b.) When he had his first post-attack biopsy done, it was on New Caprica (this the reason he tripped getting out of the Raptor). I've been debating if he had a local there, partly because of the conditions, and partly because Dr. Robert knew he was Sagittaron, and didn't know he was military at that point. There's a part that was in there and moved to the next part about how Dr. Robert "really appreciates the military" according to Hoshi, and how he got much better treatment after Dr. Robert realized he was military. >:)
I am also a HUGE coward when it comes to needles. You should have seen me get my epidurals when I had the boys. (Not helped by the fact it took her three tries to get it in with Toby, and two with Trevor. With Toby I was in so much labor pain that I didn't care. With Trevor, who was a planned C-section, I was in tears the whole time.) Hoshi's kind of getting that from me ;)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 07:29 pm (UTC)I very much like the changes you made, too, which is of course unsurprising since you're just that good and I'm just that biased. ;) It's just a shame that I couldn't fully appreciate this chapter since I knew the backstory in advance, so the surprise was lost.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 07:59 pm (UTC)I'm really, really glad you liked Lee in this chapter. I did, too. I agree, the story started at such a terrible time for Lee... if you didn't watch the show, you'd really completely hate the guy. (I really did hate him during NC.) I actually disagree with canon that their past times were on the Pegasus- I think Lee was able to be a better husband for the few months after the NC rescue. He had a purpose again, and was able to get out of that depression he was in during NC, and Starbuck wasn't an issue yet. I really wanted this chapter to be sympathetic to him because Lee's NOT a total waste of space, and while his marriage to Dee was a bad idea, it didn't have to be if he'd been able to stay away from Starbuck.
I remember one of the worst funerals I ever went to. It was one of the guys in my research group, and he and his wife had been expecting a baby. The baby was stillborn. It was absolutely awful, and I remember sitting there in the pew thinking that this was either going to tear them apart or make them unbreakable. Then they said the baby's name and the mother cried out, and the father just put his arms right around her, and I knew it was going to be the second. (As far as I know, I'm right.)
That's probably why the fact that Felix doesn't even know what happened gets to me. I doubt Felix would be very good at comforting Dee. It's sad to think that he doesn't even get a chance to try, and if he did, it still wouldn't work. Though I realize you didn't set that up at all, and I'm projecting. ;)
Heh. You are and you aren't. There are several things going on there.
1.) The literary aspect of I didn't want Dee to have to repeat the story too many times. Felix didn't know a thing at this point, and his reaction was going to be similar to Noel's anyway. Since Noel and Dee have the history of discussing this, his reaction was the more important one.
2.) The timeframe. The whole chapter does take place in less than 48 hours. I suspect she will tell Felix, although likely off screen because, again, his reaction will be too similar to Noel's. (Not so much in the words, but that he'll feel so badly for her and want to help and probably say the wrong thing.) Actually, I know she'll tell Felix. There's a big plot point about that later.
3.) I found my Dee muse REFUSED to talk to my Gaeta muse about it. Part of it was unresolved guilt on her part for how she'd treated him after New Caprica. That was kind of interesting to discover, although she wasn't self-aware enough to be aware of it at the time. She's also feeling guilty for losing the baby and undeserving of comfort, especially from someone she couldn't comfort herself.
While I love Dee-Felix as a friendship, I often find myself writing them with a little emotional distance. Almost like they don't talk about certain things because they need that love for each other. They can't bear to bring up some of the more painful topics and they always immediately forgive each other because they love each other and they can't bear to ever lose each other- they've lost too much already. Felix can talk about NC more immediately with Hoshi because if Hoshi judges him and turns his back on him, it's not as big a loss. Same with Dee and Noel. Felix could take losing Louis, and Dee could take losing Noel. But they can't take losing each other.
Of course, now my porn muse is going, too, and I've got a series of ten porn drabbles going. Can someone please shut the voices in my head UP?
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 08:37 pm (UTC)Nah, don't. I love beta'ing. But I also usually refuse to beta when a writer refuses to share their outline. It means there aren't many surprises for me, but there are a lot of other things I can appreciate all the more, like all the hints you executed while leading up to this chapter. :) (I have that friend who's been writing an epic for the last two years. She doesn't have a beta but occasionally she asks me to troubleshoot when she has a specific problem. So every time I say "Well, before I can help you, I need to know how will the story end?" And she knows. She has it all laid out. But she won't tell me! It's frustrating to navigate blindly, not to do the best editing job I could be doing, and I wouldn't mind reading the fic minus the suspense at all. I still help her out though, because she's a friend and she's very charming. ;))
While I love Dee-Felix as a friendship, I often find myself writing them with a little emotional distance. Almost like they don't talk about certain things because they need that love for each other.
That's very true and very interesting. Huh. I've never thought about it like that but I concur. It also goes a long way in explaining why they weren't there for each other in some scenes in canon, and why they apparently weren't as close as they could have been. For me as a writer, that's very useful because when I write Felix/anybody-who's-not-Dee, I usually don't want Dee to mess things up by telling Felix what he should do. ;)
Of course, now my porn muse is going, too, and I've got a series of ten porn drabbles going. Can someone please shut the voices in my head UP?
I hear there are pills for that, nowadays. :p ;)
Porn drabbles? That sounds interesting and unusual. :)
I wish I had a constructivism muse right now. I really need one. There should be a law that prohibits writing a paper after dusk. :-/
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 08:57 pm (UTC)Porn drabbles? That sounds interesting and unusual. :)
It's set in my YFL/ALtLUT universe. I don't have a title yet, and they're more ficlets than drabbles. But the structure is five spots in canon (well, four in their canon, one in mine at the moment), five ways it could have gone, and five ways it did go, all various permutations of Dee, Felix, Hoshi, and Narcho. I'm amusing myself greatly. I think I'm covering every possible pairing you can make from those four, plus solo and group. It's kind of scary, and for all that it's sexual, it's not NC-17 at the moment.
I think I need those pills :)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-12 09:15 pm (UTC)I still support all of these fics! Yes. Don't be scared. You are a woman confident in her porn skillz! (I have two words for you: awesome foursome.) I will definitely read them all and comment. And be very happy.
Vive la porn!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-13 12:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-14 04:23 am (UTC)The Lee moments hurt a lot. He has baggage, and she has pain, and neither of them are being completely honest with each other... It was hurty. Especially knowing what happens with them.
Poor Dee and Hoshi. <3 I love this so much. Now we need Felix, Louis, Dee and Noel to be the greatest friend group EVER before three of them die and leave poor Louis all alone. :) (I mean, this is YFL compliant, so yeah, Hoshi loses everyone. Poor boy.)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-14 07:27 pm (UTC)I figured that if people hadn't guessed yet, they'd figure it out by the end of the last chapter and most of the big pieces fell into place. (Just out of curiosity, at what point did you figure it out? Of course, the fact that Louis pretty much died from leukemia in one of my other stories didn't help... ;) )
I know the feeling with Lee. I'm genuinely liking Lee right now. He's trying- he really, really is. And I'll give Lee all the credit in the world here on this count. If Dee had told him she was pregnant, he would have been happy and he would have done his best by the baby. I don't think it would have saved their marriage like Dee was hoping, but I do think Lee would have tried to do his best for the baby (I'd say he learned something from the Black Market incident, and Dee is his wife whereas the other chick was a girlfriend.) He's not going about it quite right, but at the same time, neither is Dee, and dealing with a miscarriage is HARD.
(I mean, this is YFL compliant, so yeah, Hoshi loses everyone. Poor boy.)
I know. ::sniffle:: The sad part is, Hoshi's used to it. (I'm working on his backstory. I'm 17 pages in, and I am totally in love with Jurgen Belzen at this point.)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-15 02:50 pm (UTC)Babies never save marriages. I just wonder whether Kara would have continued to be a complete whore if Dee had had a baby. Knowing Kara, she might have retaliated by trying to have a baby with Sam, just to prove something. Urgh. That almost makes me glad there was no Dee/Lee baby. I can see the writers going there.
Awww. I can't wait for his backstory. From you, I'm sure I'll be left curled up bawling. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-15 03:49 pm (UTC)Yeah, a baby would almost not have been a good idea. The one reason it would have is because if Dee had had a baby, she would have not had only Earth left to hope for. I think if Dee had had a baby, she would not have shot herself. I know that people who have kids can commit suicide, but I actually saw that as the point of the whole Helo/Athena/Hera "here comes the Raptor!" scene. Helo and Athena were upset and discouraged and all that about Earth, but they could go on because their hope and their happiness was in their family, not in the dream of Earth. And I guess that's part of what broke Gaeta, too (and one of the reasons I sort of wish they hadn't added Hoshi in), because when he lost his refuge, that was when he snapped, too.
::sigh::
But a Kara/Sam baby would have been a spectacularly bad idea. (Although it's the one time I've ever found a mpreg fic funny, was a crack fic where Sam was the one carrying the baby.)
From you, I'm sure I'll be left curled up bawling. :)
Maybe :) Maybe not. I'm 17 pages in, and I only had one spot where I was like "ohh, this is sad!" I'm actually getting why Hoshi can go on after all this, and why he's so even on the surface. I'm also REALLY liking the character in my head.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-01 03:36 pm (UTC)I am such an emotional mess now. Dee's slowly-acknowledged depression and Hoshi's backstory are bad enough, but then you have them bonding and laughing and somehow it's better than when they were both more healthy. That's not right, but it's so BSG.
Lee broke my heart too. He's being elusive again, and he's trying so hard but I know he'll eventually fail and it's hard to read the beginnings of that. *flails* (I always wanted Lee/Dee to work, after Billy/Dee was no longer a possibility, and part of me thinks it could have, just the show wasn't invested in it. So I can't help but feel a little disappointed that this is staying canon, even though while not happy it makes an interesting story.)
I shivered the whole time Dr. Robert was there, so certain something would happen (and maybe it will, but I don't have time to read the next chapter yet...ack). But Cottle and Ishay are wonderful, and I loved the little bit about Hoshi fixing the heart monitor and Cottle not liking it.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 12:02 pm (UTC)Dee/Lee.... ::sigh:: I'm with you. Billy/Dee was my original OTP for the show, and I hated the way she ended that relationship and then the way he died. I've also never liked Kara/Lee. I don't hate it- I just feel like the writers were convinced that that needed to be there, and if they hadn't forced that plotline, there could have been more interesting things to do with the characters than the Quadrangle of Doom. I mean, Lee was always at odds with Adama and Dee adored him. There was a lot of potential THERE instead.
Glad you enjoyed it- thanks! :)